Breathe
by LondonKiwi
Summary: The break-up had changed things between them. While Beck tries to adjust, Jade struggles to keep up with normal life. No one seems to notice as she slips further away, but then her life is turned upside down once again.
1. Chapter 1

It had been different since the break-up. Different since they stood on either side of the door, parting ways with what seemed like too much finality to not be taken seriously. For the most part, Jade had just tried to keep her head down since and not let the feelings in. In truth, she hadn't felt a whole lot since the initial devastation set in. There was a numbness that seemed to shroud most of her thoughts, with precious little to distract her. Still, it was easy to play off with her personality and no one bothered too much with questioning her further. She knew the students at Hollywood Arts had all assumed it was only a matter of time until they split from the day they began dating. She had tried to take comfort in the fact they made it longer than anyone said but, really there was no comfort to be taken from the loss of the most meaningful relationship she'd had.

'Everyone leaves in the end' she thought bitterly as she drove up the expansive drive of her Mother's house. Her parents had divorced when she was nine, but after years of arguments and tears the damage to the relationships between Jade and both her parents had been irreparably damaged. Beck had been something good to hold onto, a warm light in her life, as cliché as she was aware that sounded. Now she returned each day to an empty house, with an absentee mother and a lack of warmth within the marble walls.

Jade tossed her keys in a bowl by the front door, drifting through the foyer and up the stairs; too exhausted to bother thinking about food. She opened the door to her bedroom, making a beeline for her bed while pulling out her phone.

No new messages.

It wasn't that she was expecting a message off of anyone, but she frowned none the less. No one seemed to message her anymore. Of course, Beck always used to be the person who messaged her the most, but Cat used to pop up often and even Andre. Robbie had always been too scared, and she'd blocked Tori's number a long time ago. Even though Tori had nothing to do with the break-up, Jade struggled to reconcile her feelings surrounding the girl.

She was the antithesis of Jade, and from her first appearance at Hollywood Arts, Jade had felt threatened. More than that, she had felt jealous. Tori was the type of girl that a boy like Beck was supposed to go out with. She was the girl-next-door, childhood sweetheart type that got the guy at the end of the movie. The picket fence in suburbia, the two children and the Labrador. It wasn't that Jade particularly wanted all of that, but she did want Beck and since Tori's arrival she felt like he was slipping away from her. Jade wasn't blind to the fact Beck used to make her jealous on purpose, but somewhere along the line it had gone from playful to hurtful. The fights had become worse and the writing appeared upon the wall.

It hadn't helped that despite Tori's nice girl attitude, she could be genuinely thoughtless which no one else seemed to care about. Jade had assumed that after the debacle with Cat's boyfriend, their friends might understand why she was so concerned about Tori making a play for Beck. No such luck. In truth she didn't put the whole thing on Tori, she was fearful that Beck would realise that there were other options. Easier options. Easier, more attractive options with much less baggage.

Still, her relationship with Tori was no longer outright enemies but it was far from Jade being comfortable around her. Ever since she could remember, Jade had been fiercely protective of her feelings.

'The more you share, the more you've got to lose' Jade shook her head, reaching around her neck without noticing until her fingers failed to find what they were looking for.

There it was again. A pain deep in her gut, reminding her why she no longer wore a necklace around her neck. Jade tugged her cardigan around her, pulling her knees up as she tossed her phone aside. She let out a small breath, trying to find the energy start on her homework. She stared at her bag which had been abandoned in the doorway.

'I just don't care right now' she thought, aggravated. Absentmindedly picking at loose threads on her sleeve, she let her eyelids start to droop. Sleep didn't seem to come easily to her anymore, likely due to the loss of the other person who would inhabit her bed almost every night. Deciding that if she was tired enough to sleep, she should take advantage of it, Jade let herself drift off. She didn't hear the distant hum of a car pulling up the drive.

* * *

Beck sat on his couch and sighed, his finger hovering over the send button on his phone. For what must have been the 7th time he deleted the message and let his phone drop onto the cushion. Running his hand through his hair he wondered yet again how he had ended up in this situation. He should be glad that he was free of a controlling girlfriend, or so the populace at Hollywood Arts seemed to think, even his closest friends. Beck supposed he was missing the familiarity as Jade had been so engrained in every aspect of his life that there was no escaping her absence.

He was pulled from his thoughts by the chiming of his phone. He took a quick intake of breath before remembering he never actually sent the message to Jade. It turned out to be a message from Andre, inviting the group to Karaoke Dokie. Beck paused for a second, not really in the mood for socialising but neither was he feeling great about sitting around moping. Replying quickly, he picked up his jacket without much though and was almost out the door before he came to a sudden stop.

Sandalwood. He could smell sandalwood.

More specifically, he could smell sandalwood with a hint of vanilla or rather he could smell Jade. He looked at the jacket, this time recognising as the one that Jade had worn so many times, he used to joke it was practically hers. He felt a clench deep in his gut. He held the jacket tighter for a second and was overcome with the urge to sniff it more directly. With great strength he ignored it, putting the jacket back onto the end of the bed and picking up his usual jacket. Refusing to look back over his shoulder, he left the RV wondering if he'd ever be able to wear that jacket again.

* * *

Jade had been in a somewhat uneasy sleep when she suddenly found her eyes snapping open. Momentarily confused, she sat up blinking as she focused in on the noises that had woken her. A clattering downstairs and then a microwave ping. Her mother was home.

A small frown appeared on Jade's face. It was unlike her mother to be home this early, or even to be home at all. Generally, their relationship was limited to text messages and the occasional conversation in passing about credit cards and if her mother was off on an extended work trip. With a high paying job in finance, Jade was used to barely seeing her mother. In truth, she preferred it that way as the relationship was fraught. Jade's mother disapproved of her fascination with the arts and her macabre aesthetic. Jade disapproved of her mother's 'extra-curricular' activities. It had taken Jade a long time to realise that her mother's erratic behaviour was rooted in the fact she was a habitual drug user. The one time she'd confronted her over it, her mother had blamed both her and her job. The only saving grace was that her rare appearances at home meant Jade didn't have to deal with it.

Jade picked up her phone, still no new messages.

* * *

'Better bite the bullet and see what's going on' she thought bitterly as she began to make her way downstairs.

Beck walked through the door at Karaoke Dokie, taking a moment before he spotted his friends.

"Hey man" Andre greeted as Beck approached the table

"Hey" he replied as he took a seat next to Cat. "What's the plan?"

He looked around at the usual gang. Andre chilled and relaxed, Tori with a permanent grin, Robbie who appeared to be having an intense albeit quiet argument with Rex and Cat who was predictably vacant. There was only one noticeable absence.

"Well we were just waiting for you to get here and then we were gonna get some food ordered" Tori smiled "Andre said the buffalo nuggets are to die for!"

"Shouldn't we wait for Jade?" Beck questioned.

Tori's wide smile faltered for a split second and a definite feel of awkwardness descended upon the table.

"Well" she started "we, we just thought it would be easier" she trailed off meeting Beck's unblinking stare. Tori's eyes darted towards Andre who took the cue.

"Honestly man, we just thought it would be less awkward for you if we didn't invite her"

Beck frowned at this.

"We just wanted you to be able to relax" Tori interjected, reaching across to lay a hand on Becks arm in what he assumed she thought was a sympathetic gesture.

"Don't you think that's a bit harsh? Leaving her out?" Beck wasn't sure how he was feeling about his ex-girlfriend, but this didn't seem fair. For all Jade's harsh remarks and exterior she was friends with Cat and at least friendly with Andre and Robbie.

"Well it's not like she was ever that big on socialising with us to start with" Tori pointed out. Beck frowned at this too. Jade turned up at group gatherings more often than not, at least while they were going out.

"It's not fun to be left out of things" Cat had momentarily checked back into the conversation and for once Beck was glad. "My brother throws things if we leave him out"

"We'll invite her to something too" Tori switched tracks "But let's just have some fun this evening" The smile was back and pleading. Beck shrugged glancing at Cat who had checked back out and was now combing her hair with a fork.

"Soooo" Andre began, attempting to lift the atmosphere that had settled over the table. "Anyone seen the new James Bond movie?"

As Tori responded, Beck zoned out. He couldn't make sense of his feelings surrounding the whole situation. He had wanted space from Jade, he'd decided not to follow her out of the house and yet he wasn't feeling any sense of relief or freedom. On the contrary, in the month since he had felt quite detached from things going on around him. It wasn't all the time, but it was often enough that he noticed. He gave himself a mental shake and tried to focus on the conversation – currently Rex teasing Robbie for crying at Judi Dench's 'M' dying in the film – these were his friends. He shouldn't need Jade to have a good time.

A/N - Hi all, I'm just getting back into fanfiction writing after a very long break - used to use a different username but can't access the account any longer. Anyway, hope you've enjoyed this chapter - let me know if the layout works swapping between Jade and Beck. I'm planning this as a multi-chapter but any feedback would be great!


	2. Chapter 2

Jade stood in the doorway quietly assessing the situation. Her mother's behaviour was often erratic, a side effect of the drug use but sometimes, in between highs she could almost appear normal. Almost. Jade had previously marvelled at the fact she still held down a job with high responsibility but, having done some research on substance addiction, she realised that her mother must vary her drugs of choice to suit her situation.

A small part of Jade wanted to report her. That small part that wanted to scream about how unfair her life was. That she could barely remember what her mother was like before the drugs and the divorce. Needless to say, that small part was persistently repressed. Jade took comfort in the fact the house they lived in was owned by her late maternal grandfather and on his passing, he had made sure it was tied up until Jade reached 21. The original thoughts behind this had been concerning the marriage between her parents and protecting her mother's family's assets.

The irony of the situation now was bordering on ridiculous, as her mother was repeatedly spending beyond her means despite earning a considerable amount. She shifted around credit card debt and was constantly veering to and from the edge of financial crisis, but she always managed to scrape by. Jade had once approached her father for help when the cupboards had been empty and there had been no sign of her mother for almost a week when she was 11. She had been so scared at the time, right before she was supposed to start at Hollywood Arts. Her father was distant at best and completely disinterested at worst, but he'd given her a credit card which she now used in combination with cards supplied by her mother. It wasn't until recently she realised that her father was just as bad as her mother for leaving her in that situation. She needed her dad, not a credit card.

She'd never told Beck the full story, not really. Despite dating for over two years, he had only met her mother on a handful of occasions. Jade hadn't told him about the drugs, but she was sure that he had reached his own conclusions over time. She liked that he respected her dislike for talking about it and would distract her with other things when her home life got rough.

"Why are you lingering back there and staring at me?" Her mother's voice pulled Jade from her thoughts as she clattered about with a pan of water.

"I was just... never mind" Jade brushed off "What are you doing home?"

"What I'm not allowed in my own home anymore? Do you dislike me that much?" Her mother snapped

'You cannot begin to know how much I despise you' Jade thought bitterly but out loud she carried on in the same disinterested tone "You just never told me you would be home tonight"

"Well I'm your mother so why would I tell you, I don't need to tell you everything that goes on"

Jade narrowed her eyes, wincing internally as it was becoming clearer that her mother was slurring her speech.

"Forget it" She turned to leave before halting abruptly as a shock of cold engulfed her accompanied by a metallic clang. She turned around to see the pan her mother had been holding at her feet, the water now covering her. Her mother had thrown the pan at her.

"What the hell?" Jade exclaimed taking a step backward. It wasn't the first time her mother had thrown something at her when she was in a state, but this time she was at a loss as to how she'd provoked her.

"You're a nasty little bitch" her mother spat, her eyes bulging "So ungrateful, you can't even act like you're happy to see me" she swayed slightly on the spot.

Jade fought her instincts and stayed silent, a far cry from Jade's normal attitude. She knew replying would only enrage her mother further when she was like this. She briefly wondered what the others would think at school if they could see her restraint now. It was easy to be angry at school, screaming at the world because no one was listening. Not really.

"You slope around looking down your nose at me" her mother sneered "When you're no better with those clothes and that school"

Jade clenched her fists, trying to let her mother's words just roll off of her.

"and that boyfriend. Except even now he's seen sense and left you" That caught Jade off guard. "Just like your father, you managed to scare him away"

Jade felt her eyes get moist. Furiously she willed it away, refusing to acknowledge the hurt. Her mother pulled her bag towards her, seemingly no longer bothered by Jade's presence. Hoping to escape unnoticed, Jade moved slowly towards the door.

"Where is it? It should be in here somewhere" Jade's mother muttered as she rifled through her bag. "I put it in here, I know I put it in here" she began pulling things out of her bag before turning it upside down with shaking hands as the contents spilled out all over the floor.

Jade had just reached the threshold when her mother began shouting in earnest.

"Where the FUCK is it?" Jade froze unsure of what to do. This was new territory for her, her mother needing her fix but not being able to get it. Her mother whirled around and screamed

"What have you done with it? You give it to me" she advanced towards Jade who tried to back off further.

"I don't know what you're talking about, I haven't touched your stuff"

"LIAR" Her mother's eyes flashed dangerously as her hands shook. "Just give it to me, please" she ground out in what Jade assumed was supposed to be a softer tone.

"I already told you I don't have it" Jade retorted as she backed further away into the foyer. Unfortunately, her answer only served as ammunition for her mother.

"YOU'RE A LYING BITCH" her mother screeched reaching for a glass on the counter-top and throwing it before Jade had a chance to react.

A searing pain ripped through Jade's head as the glass shattered on contact. No longer caring about provoking her mother further she ran to the front door, as her mother continued to scream and smash her way through the kitchen. Shutting the door behind her, Jade made a beeline for her car but stopped short, swearing loudly, when she realised her keys were still upstairs. Deciding quickly, it wasn't worth the risk to try and get back in to get them Jade pulled out her phone as she began walking swiftly down the drive and out onto the street.

Normally if she needed space from home, she would call Beck. Jade bit her lip, wavering for a second over whether or not she should call him. She was craving his reassuring touch and becoming increasingly aware of something cold and sticky running down her hairline onto her thin cardigan. She tried to push Beck from her mind and dialled Cat instead. Cat lived on the other side of town, but her brother could probably come and pick her up; not that Jade thought Cat's fruit loop of a brother should be allowed access to any sort of vehicle but hey, never look a gift horse in the mouth.

Jade groaned with frustration as the ringing broke away to a voicemail. She hung up without leaving a message and increased her pace. She hadn't been paying much attention to her surroundings but vaguely registered that she was walking into town. The adrenaline was starting to run out now, but Jade realised she was shaking.

'It's the cold' she thought angrily 'That's all it is, the cold with my damp clothes"

But at the back of her mind she was struggling to process the events of the evening. Her mother had attacked her with a glass because she couldn't get a fix and now, she was stuck with no car and nowhere to go. She reached up and let out a small gasp of pain as she tried to dab at her head. Deciding her first course of action should be to try and clean herself up, she made a quick mental list of places with private bathrooms. She would be too conspicuous in Nozu as the lighting was bright and you had to go through the restaurant to get to the toilets. Karaoke Dokie on the other hand…

'Yes, that'll work' she thought 'low lights and toilets just off entrance hall'. It was also only a slightly longer walk from where she was.

'Hopefully by the time I've done that Cat will look at her damn phone' Jade hoped although somewhat frustrated as usually Cat was permanently attached to her phone. Jamming her phone back in her pocket, she picked up the pace trying to focus on the clicking of her boot heels on the sidewalk.

Her mind was racing. Things had escalated before, she'd had to dodge things before, but it was rare and never caused this level of damage. She was used to her mother screaming at her which was why she never really missed her when she was gone. However, she was also used to having someone to fill that gap. Now, Jade felt truly alone. Trying to shake herself out of it, Jade refocused her thoughts on the sharp throbbing that was reverberating through her head.

* * *

She lingered outside Karaoke Dokie for a moment, hovering to see if there were many people in the entrance hall. Mercifully even the security guard wasn't there so she slipped through the door, making straight for the bathrooms. She inwardly smirked as she turned the door lock.

'Who ever designed public bathrooms with locks clearly had one thing on their mind'

Her temporary good humour vanished as she caught site of her reflection. Her face was paler than normal which only served to draw more attention to the vivid red that had tracked down the side of her face to her jawline. Refusing to spend longer looking than she had to, she dabbed at her head with tissue dismayed when it came away with more fresh blood. Getting as close to the mirror as she could, she scraped her hair apart to try and get a better look. The cut didn't appear too deep, but it was at least a few centimetres in length. It had even started to re-colour one of her blue streaks, making it look more like the rest of her black hair. Her stomach churned as she saw a glistening within the cut, there were small glass crystals imbedded in the wound.

She turned her bloodshot eyes back to her face, dropping her hair and set about cleaning up her face.

'I just need to look more normal' she thought determinedly 'the cut will heal itself and probably push the glass out as it does' Her hands were still shaking as she washed her face. In truth, she had no idea about cuts or glass or head wounds, but she knew she did not want to go to the emergency room. Too many questions.

The door rattled as someone tried to get into the room. Jade's hands steadied as she took a breath. She rolled her shoulders and assessed her appearance, letting her standard mask of indifference slip back into place. Pausing for only a moment to ensure she hadn't missed anything; she threw the tissues into one of the toilet cubicles and flushed. Repositioning her hair, she stalked over to the door and out barely glancing at the girls waiting on the other side.

The security guard was back in the entrance but Jade no longer cared. The rain was now falling in earnest outside, so she lingered as she tried Cat's number again. Still no answer. Jade rolled her eyes, biting her lip. About to re-dial, she saw a flash of red out of the corner of her eye, red velvet cupcake red. Looking up Jade realised why Cat hadn't answered her phone, she was standing at the bar picking up drinks. Jade could only just see through the archway, but it was definitely Cat. It made no sense. Why was Cat at Karaoke Dokie on her own? She opened her mouth to call out to the girl as she walked away with the drinks but, it died in her throat when she saw where she was walking to or rather who she was walking to.

Maybe on any other day, Jade wouldn't have been bothered or at least she would have been less bothered. Today however, she felt the weight that had been growing in her stomach all evening double in size. Cat, Tori, Andre, Robbie and Beck were all sitting around the table eating, drinking and laughing at something Tori was saying. Jade felt like her mother had thrown another pan of water at her. For the second time that evening, Jade had no clue what to do. Part of her wanted to make a scene, storm over and get angry. Still, the little voice in her head reminded her, what good would that do when they clearly didn't want her there? She turned on her heel and headed back out into the rain.

* * *

All in all, Beck wasn't having as bad of a time as he thought he would. The light-hearted chatter and good, if slightly cheesy at times, music was serving as a welcome distraction from his conflicted feelings. It felt good to just let go and let himself forget somewhat. He wasn't completely naïve however; he knew forgetting was only easy because the object of his conflict wasn't present. As much as her absence was allowing him to distract his mind, he still found himself missing Jade. Her acerbic wit and sarcasm had become so familiar to him and, unlike many, he saw it for what it was. Affection. She often made the comments because she knew how much they would make Beck laugh. Beck presented as cool and unbothered, but the secret was, he could be as anti-social as Jade sometimes; he just didn't let it through. Beck enjoyed Jade's verbal sparring and quick-fire comments, most of which were harmless, at least in Jade's mind. Jade had an odd way of showing affection to her friends.

As the group said goodbyes in the parking lot, Beck heard Tori calling out to him. He turned, confused as to what she wanted especially given the rain falling around them.

"What's up?"

"Well" she wheedled "I noticed you've been a bit down all evening"

Beck just shrugged, not really wanting to reply, or even knowing what to say.

"Do you want to come back to mine for some cocoa? It's from Belgium!"

"Ah no thanks, I've got some last-minute assignments to finish before tomorrow" Tori's thousand-watt grin dimmed somewhat.

"Well okay then, see you tomorrow I guess"

"Yeah see you" Beck managed half a smile as he got into his truck.

Tori stood for a moment pondering Beck's actions, wondering not for the first time what the attraction was to Jade. Of course, she expected him to be sad after the break-up, but she thought he'd be mostly over it after a month or so. Frowning she idly wondered how Jade was handling things, although she had absolutely no intention of inviting Jade anywhere for a group get together if she could help it. Beck was much more fun than Jade, especially based on past experience of what Jade had been like in Canada. She mentally shuddered as she remembered Jade's attempts to ruin Prome. A blast from her father's car horn shook her out of her thoughts simultaneously realising how wet she had gotten. She made a dash for her father's warm car.

**A/N – Well this is chapter two, I was hit with the writing bug this weekend. I hope you've enjoyed it and please feel free to leave feedback – it's been so long I'm finding some bits quite difficult to write.**

**I've tried to make sure all the words used are the American equivalents (I'm British) and I referenced Prome because I still think Jade was in the right in that episode – still annoys me after all these years!**


	3. Chapter 3

Jade barely noticed the rain as she walked down the street. Gone were the hurried footsteps from before and, in their place, an almost aimless stagger. Not for the first time that evening Jade didn't know what to do except, this time, she really couldn't see a solution. The cold of the evening seemed to have penetrated right through her as she the scene she'd just left swam around her head. The people who were supposed to be her friends, all having a great time without her. They hadn't even bothered to tell her they were meeting up. Jade knew she wasn't the friendliest of people, but she thought Cat at least would want to include her.

'They probably were only putting up with me because they liked Beck' she thought 'How could I have not seen that?'

Really, it was unfair. She'd been friends with Cat first and then Robbie, who used to follow them both around after she stopped some seniors from taking Rex off him. Jade may not have held much love for the puppet or even Robbie at times, but she knew a coping mechanism a mile off. The group came together by accident when they all ended up working set design on the winter showcase. Beck had been trying to get her attention for a few weeks at that point. Ashamed to admit it at the time, Jade had continually shrugged him off as she thought it was some sort of dare, but Beck was persistent. Over the few weeks they'd worked together he wormed his way into her thoughts and slowly into her heart. His genuine nature was a refreshing change, his stability and drama-free attitude a stark but all too welcome contrast to her home life. Somewhere along the line they'd stopped being Beck and Jade and become Beck&Jade, very rarely would you get one without the other. The break-up hadn't just hurt her deeply, it had made her feel like half of her was missing. In her opinion, the better half; the half that was the warmth and the light in her life.

Jade ducked into a shop front, trying to shelter from the weather which was seemed to be getting worse. She needed to get out of the rain, but she had nowhere to go. For the second time, she briefly considered Beck as she pulled out her phone. Her battery was getting low, but she nearly dropped it as it started to buzz in her hand.

Incoming Call: Cat Valentine

Her thumb hovered over the accept call button. It would be so easy to accept but she just couldn't do it. It hurt too much, feeling like they had all cast her aside at a moment's notice. She rejected the call and jammed her phone back into her jeans pocket. Trying to gather herself, she pulled her cardigan closer and considered going back to her house; trying to calculate the odds of her mother either still being there or still being there and conscious. Without realising, she raised a hand to head where the wound still glistened in the streetlights. It felt tacky where the blood was finally starting to coagulate, much to Jade's relief. Shivering, she lamented the lack of warm clothes, even a hoodie would have been an improvement.

A Hoodie. School. She always kept a spare change of clothes at school in case class got messy, and she had a gym kit. She'd managed to get into school on a weekend once before, more for a dare than any practical reason. The window in Sikowitz's classroom opened at a push from the outside, despite having no handle on either side. There was also a severe lack of security system that had always baffled her. They had cameras on the front gate and the asphalt cafe where they ate lunch but nothing inside for some reason.

The external cameras would be easy enough to avoid, she reasoned, and school would be dry with a change of clothes. As long as she was careful to make it look like she hadn't been there all night, she would get away with it. Taking a deep breath, Jade stepped out taking a sharp left to head towards school, refusing to think any further about the events that had led to her situation.

* * *

Getting into the main building had been even easier than Jade had anticipated. Normally she would probably have paused to take in the dramatic backdrop of school at night, as there was something infinitely creepy about schools in the dark; but Jade was too wrapped up in her thoughts to notice her surroundings beyond making sure she was walking the right way. As she opened her locker, she felt a slight release for the first time that evening. Stacked at the back was a spare set of clothes she'd tucked away last semester, in case her method acting elective got messy. It beat having to wear gym clothes and then field inevitable stares and questions as to the change in style. Grabbing her gym shower bag and the clothes she took off for the changing rooms.

As she stood under the warm spray of the shower, Jade realised she still hadn't stopped shaking. She was turning pink as the hot water met her icy skin, cold from where the rain and wind had penetrated her thin cardigan. She carefully washed her hair out, wincing every time she came into contact with gash left by the glass. Her skin felt like it was burning and yet cold at the same time. She willed herself to stop shivering, angry at the loss of control.

Loss of control. That basically summed up her life for the past month, before that if she was being honest. As her relationship with Beck had started to deteriorate it felt like everything started slipping from her control. School used to be easy for her but even that had become more difficult. She didn't get roles anymore, not important ones. Her scripts either lay unfinished or were rejected by teachers for being too 'disturbing'. An infuriating double standard she had noted, given the content of some other people's work. Even Sikowitz didn't seem to have time for her anymore. He used to embrace her darkness, her twisted creativity and encourage it. Now he barely engaged with her, more interested in Tori which had not escaped Jade's notice, not by a long shot.

A sharp pain shot through her upper arms. Jade realised she had been digging her nails into her upper arms. She should probably be annoyed at that, concerned even but she didn't have the energy. It had been a long night and it wasn't over yet. Turning off the water, she pulled her towel off its hook, walking into the changing area. She purposefully positioned herself with her back to the mirror. Jade prided herself in being strong, in being tough, in having a rock-hard attitude with an emotional wall to match but she didn't think even she could stand looking at her reflection right now; not after earlier in the evening. Pale and breaking. That's what she had seen, and she didn't think she could see it again. Not right now.

She pulled the undershirt over her head, taking in a sharp breath of air as she caught it on her cut. She angrily kicked out at the bench as the pain radiated through her head. The overshirt she was more careful with, only tugging it once it was clear of the top of her head. It was only as she started to cautiously brush out the ends of her hair that she noticed. She could smell Beck. For a second she was filled with an all-encompassing ache, a longing for the person who had always offered her safety and security. She felt moisture spring into her eyes, threatening to spill over. When had her life become such a mess?

Angrily she abandoned the hairbrush and was halfway through taking the top back off before she remembered the rest of her clothes were still soaking wet. She jammed it back down and started gathering her stuff, shoving it into her bag. She left at speed, still refusing to look in the mirror.

* * *

Beck sat back on his bed, restless and somewhat irritated. He scrolled through the slap, not really taking in much of what had been posted. He couldn't kid himself; he was looking to see if Jade had been posting. She hadn't really posted in a long time, not since that first weekend after they broke up. Jade was pretty much non-communicative with him at school for the last couple of weeks. In the beginning she'd almost completely ignored him, helped by Beck trying to avoid her as much as possible, but that had settled into quiet tolerance. The last few weeks though, something had changed. The others didn't notice, but then they didn't know Jade like Beck. She had been slowly withdrawing, closing in on herself. As such, she'd been occupying more of Beck's thoughts than he thought ex-girlfriends probably should, especially when he was the one who instigated the break-up. Beck sighed. He had thought that breaking-up was the solution, things had been so fraught in their relationship for a while and the constant tension wore him out. He hadn't meant for it to be so dramatic in the end, but he thought it would bring relief for both of them. However, he was no longer convinced and, while he couldn't really speak for Jade, he knew that he'd had more than his fair share of second thoughts. He was conflicted though, as the last few months of the relationship had felt suffocating to him. Jade, and his relationship with her, was a conundrum to most but definitely to him now. He briefly wondered if she had actually been shutting down for longer than the last few weeks. He shook his head, almost on a reflex.

'No, I would have noticed' he thought, swiftly pushing that line of thinking to the back of his brain. He reached out for the latest script he needed to learn lines for. It wasn't all that interesting for a role, a cookie-cutter 'bad boy' for the latest school production. Tori had been cast as the female lead and love interest with Cat cast as the antagonistic younger sister, who spends the whole play trying to stop the Beck and Tori's characters developing a relationship.

Beck flipped through the pages, uncaring. It didn't really hold his interest, he wanted something more complex that would provide real experience. He missed reading Jade's scripts. They were always interesting, especially in terms of characterisation. Sure, they could be a little disturbing, but Beck always thought that if you looked past that you could see the subtleties of well-written characters with multifaceted personalities and the interesting situations that she wrote them into. There she was again, entering his thoughts without him even realising. He idly wondered if it was just the fact that they'd dated for so long, that he automatically thought about her almost like a habit. He quietly hoped that wasn't the reason, he hoped it wasn't just habit as deep down he knew how much he really missed her.

* * *

Jade tried her best to settle down on one of the couches in the library.

"These were definitely not designed for comfort" Jade thought bitterly "Probably to stop us all sleeping in her during the day"

She shuffled around, finding a semi-comfortable position. The rain was still battering itself against the windows and the temperature was lower than she found comfortable. She had pilfered a blanket and cushion from the Blackbox theatre, unfortunately the main props cupboard was locked. She had found a spare phone charger, allowing her to set an alarm so she would be up before the students started to arrive. As it was, Jade wasn't sure she would get much sleep anyway. She was hungry, her head aching and still cold but most of all she felt unsettled. Staying at school was not going to work beyond tonight, so she would have to go home tomorrow but she had no idea what she was going to find. Another feeling seemed to have joined the gaping emptiness inside her, something she hadn't felt in a long time and wouldn't readily admit to feeling under normal circumstances.

Fear. Jade West was scared.

She pulled the blanket tighter around her, trying to build a warm cocoon, bringing her arms up to curl under her head, nose almost touching her sleeve. Despite herself, she inhaled deeply allowing the comforting smell to surround her as she squeezed her eyes shut. She pointedly ignored the small amount of moisture that leaked out the corner of her eyes. She hadn't cried herself to sleep in years, but tonight was just too much.

**A/N – Well here is the next chapter, I would say Happy Valentine's Day but it's not a particularly happy chapter! This one is taking its time to develop but I hope you are all enjoying it anyway. Thank you very much to everyone who has reviewed/favourited/alerted so far – it makes me smile at the end of some very long days! **


	4. Chapter 4

Jade willed her eyes to focus on the textbook in front of her. Normally theatre history was something that could hold her interest but after only a few hours' sleep, she was struggling to stop her eyelids from drooping. She'd settled in the library to distract herself from the events of the night before. Every time she'd woken during the night, the altercation with her Mother played on a loop in her head occasionally interspersed with the memory of the group having fun together, without her.

To her relief, her plan to avoid detection in the morning had gone off mostly without a hitch. The only obstacle had been the morning janitorial crew who arrived first thing, but she'd managed to sneak back around to the entrance and appear as though she was just very early for school. Combined with her trademark 'don't talk to me' expression, they'd barely spared her more than a glance. She'd picked up some breakfast from the grub truck, but it was laying only half-eaten on the desk next to her. It was odd, she noted, that she'd gone past hunger and now just seemed to have no energy. It was going to be a long day.

Tori strolled in through the main doors towards her locker, cup of coffee balanced precariously among an assortment of books and her bag. She hummed under her breath as she fiddled with her locker combination. Tori Vega was many things, but a morning person was not one of them. She wouldn't usually be in this early, but she had a particularly tricky science essay to complete. She had tried to work on it last night, but Trina had been rehearsing for her new vocal class at an alarming volume. Needless to say, getting up early to find some peace and quiet to work was the only alternative. Armed now with considerably less books, she wandered down the corridor towards the library, idly wondering if anyone else would be in this early. She came to a sudden halt outside the doors. Of all the people she thought would be in this early, Jade West was not one of them.

'Uggh it's a conspiracy' Tori thought glumly 'Jade and her attitude at this time in the morning'. Steeling herself, she opened the door and headed towards the table Jade was sat at.

Jade, who had barely registered the door opening almost jumped as she heard her name called out.

'Oh great, just what I need right now' Jade thought as she looked up, resisting the urge to roll her eyes. She chose to ignore Tori's greeting, refocusing on the book in front of her.

"Jade?" Jade stayed quiet. After the previous night she no longer felt any obligation to keep the peace for the sake of it.

"Hello Jade, you can't just ignore me'

"Watch me"

"Ha! I knew you wouldn't be able to do it" More silence. Tori frowned; Jade was normally cold, but she thought that there was quiet understanding between them now. She tried one more time

"I like your hair today, have you tried something new?" It wasn't a lie; Tori liked the different style. It was rare to see Jade with parts of her hair pinned back. Jade just glared in response.

"Gank." Tori huffed, taking a seat in the opposite chair to Jade setting out her books and pear pad.

Jade was inwardly fuming as Tori clattered about. She was somewhat relieved she had side-stepped the questioning about her hair, it was too much to hope that no one would notice. Pinning back the sides had been a compromise to cover up the mess that the glass had created. The wound was still very much open and tacky, causing her hair to stick to it and become congealed. The blood had also tainted one of her streaks, which she had dyed by hand. Twisting it back had allowed the cut to be covered and the tainted streak to be buried.

It had gone quiet as Tori had settled and Jade willed her insides to unclench as she re-focused her efforts on understanding 18th century French theatre as a vessel for political expression and debate. However, the brief silence was interrupted as Tori's phone rang.

"Hello?" Jade didn't even attempt to hide her glare, staring straight at the other girl

"Oh hey Cat!...no I'm at school already…yeah I have actually she's with me in the library"

Jade's glare strengthened. Cat had sent her a message after she ignored her call last night, but Jade had ignored that to. She knew she was probably being a bit harsh, but she didn't have the capacity to care, there was too much going on to try and find a way to tell Cat what was going on. That, and she was still hurt that no one had invited her to their get together at Karaoke Dokie.

"Cool, see you soon" Tori ended the call and met Jade's stare. "That was Cat, apparently you didn't return her call last night?" Jade didn't even bother to dignify that with a response, it was none of Tori's business. Tori raised her eyebrows questioningly.

"Well she's on her way in now, I think her brother is giving her a lift" Still pretending she couldn't actually hear Tori, Jade put her head back into her book.

"You know you're being ridiculous" Tori stated, her voice holding a bit more of a bite than normal. "You're just being rude for no reason"

Again, Jade gave no response. Tori became even more confused as usually Jade would have passed out a cutting retort by now. Instead Jade just started shoving her stuff into her bag before pushing back her chair from the table with no small amount of force.

"Where are you going?" she called out as Jade stormed towards the door

"Away from you" Jade huffed under her breath. Normally she would have stayed and argued, hell she would have forced Vega to be the one to leave her in peace but not today. She headed off to her normal bolthole, the janitor's closet, quietly hoping that she would be left alone.

* * *

Tori sat staring at the door for almost a full minute after Jade had stormed out. In truth, she felt quite aggravated by Jade's behaviour towards her, she was only trying to be nice. Tori had always known that Jade didn't like her, but she was never sure why. No one else at the school had ever had a problem with her, she mused, and she liked to think that she had the sort of personality that meant she got along with everyone. Shaking her head, Tori turned her attention back to essay which was still no closer to getting finished.

Barely 10 minutes later she was interrupted again, this time by a much more cheerful person in the form of Cat bouncing through the door followed by Beck.

"Hi" Cat greeted, stretching out the 'i' in her trademark fashion

"Hey Cat! Hey Beck" Tori looked up, resigning herself to the fact her essay was probably not going to be finished this morning either. She noticed Beck hadn't responded.

"Beck?" She questioned "You alright?"

"Hmm? Oh yeah sorry my mind was somewhere else"

"Somewhere good?"

Beck just shrugged before sloping off to a bookshelf by the window. Tori frowned at his retreating back, despite their chat last night he was still acting weird.

'It can't just be because of Jade' Tori thought 'He can't still be this upset when he was the one who ended it' She absentmindedly started putting her books back into her bag. 'Besides, his life must be so much calmer now she isn't in it, she never seemed to be very nice to him anyway'.

It was a bit of a catty thought really, but Tori dismissed the momentary guilt with ease. Beck was a very nice guy, she reasoned, him and Jade were fundamentally incompatible for that reason alone.

'Besides, Beck is my friend, of course I care about his happiness" Tori had originally harboured a crush on Beck when she first arrived at Hollywood Arts, but she liked to think she'd let that go over the last year. While she'd initially been sad for him at the end of his relationship with Jade, Tori genuinely thought it was in his best interest to move on and find someone better suited to his personality.

'Hell' she thought 'Even Jade would do well to find someone better suited to her dark personality". Tori shuddered a little, Jade still freaked her out from time to time.

"Well what do you think?" Cat's voice cut through Tori's thoughts, as she realised belatedly that Cat had been talking the entire time

"Sorry Cat, what do I think about what?" Cat's bottom lip quivered

"You mean you weren't listening" she squeaked

"No, no I was" Tori insisted "It was just such a good story that I want you to tell me again"

A strange look crossed over Cat's face, but it was gone in a flash, replaced with the familiar bright smile

"Okay! Last night my brother was running around our yard in my old gym clothes pretending he was on the run from the police – although he has been on the run before so he is really believable, and then" Cat prattled on with gusto as Tori attempted to keep track of the latest of bizarre stories concerning her brother's antics.

* * *

Beck scanned the bookshelf, running a finger across the spines as he searched for a particular copy of a script. The library itself was pretty useless with only a small section of books, scripts making up an even smaller section but, it's redeeming feature was it did stock some of the classics. Beck was searching for a copy of Doctor Faustus, a play dating back to the 1600s written as a comic tragedy of a moral tale. Still wanting to be challenged in ways he hadn't been before Beck had remembered this particular play late the previous evening. It had been an attempt to stop his mind straying to … things he'd rather not think about which had worked until he made the connection as to why he knew about the play to begin with. A story of magic and a devil with dark humour and death; the play could have been written for Jade it was so perfect.

Beck had reached the end of the shelf with no luck. It seemed this was another play that Hollywood Arts didn't bother to keep a copy of. Somewhat deflated he re-joined Tori and Cat by the table.

"And then my brother threw the vase out the window onto the" Cat was abruptly cut off as the chaotic tones of the bell signalled the first lesson of the day was about to start. Cat bumbled off in front of them as Beck fell into next to Tori.

"Thank chiz, I was really struggling to follow that story" Tori murmured to Beck, Beck smirked.

"Her brother is seriously messed up" Not for the first time Beck pondered what Cat's home life was actually like. Her brother must take up a lot of her parent's time, and everyone knew that Cat could be more than a little odd herself. Still, while Cat didn't always appear to have a firm grip on reality, she noticed a lot more than people tended to give her credit for.

They filed into Sikowitz's classroom, looking around to find their eccentric acting teacher had not yet arrived. Neither had Jade, Beck noted, inwardly cursing that he apparently couldn't even walk into a room without looking to see if she was there. He took his usual seat and waited, listening to the people around him engaging in chit-chat but feeling no desire to participate. Just as the second bell went, Andre came bursting through the door practically throwing himself into the spare seat next to Beck.

"Thank God, I made it" He puffed, leaning over so he rested his elbows on his knees, trying to catch his breath. At Beck's questioning glance Andre continued

"My Grandma had another episode this morning, thought my clothes were infested with rats so she threw them into the garden"

"Dude, is that why none of your clothes match?" Andre was in fact wearing dark green cargo trousers with a red printed t-shirt and his blue HA jacket; a far cry from his usual sleek style.

"This is all I had that wasn't covered in mud" Beck chuckled at this, shaking his head.

"GOOD MORNING CLASS" Sikowitz boomed, his arrival masked by Andre's more dramatic entrance. "I hope you are all well rested as today we are going to be learning about method acting" he crouched, pleased to have the whole class's attention as he started the lesson.

Jade had slipped into the back of the classroom just after Andre had burst through the door. She simply wanted to fly under the radar for the day, not wanting to engage with anyone. She had considered skipping this period entirely, but really it would cause more problems than it would solve. Being missing would be noticeable, sitting in the back and avoiding participation, less so. She sat low in her seat wearing her usual scowl, practically daring anyone to talk to her. She tried to listen to Sikowitz, she really did but it all felt like too much effort when she was so tired, not to mention her head was beginning to pound; whether it was from the tiredness or the wound she wasn't sure.

"Quick fire round" he shouted animatedly across the students, scanning their bewildered faces.

"Jade give me an example of a famous method actor and a film they used it in" Jade's head snapped up as she heard her name, inwardly cursing as she hadn't been paying attention. Screw Sikowitz for singling her out. She opened her mouth and closed it again, rapidly realising she had no idea what the question was, she didn't even have her normal sharp retort ready to go.

"Ah HA I knew I caught you napping!" Sikowitz' voice increased in volume as he started jumping around the stage.

"My class is not for napping, it is for acting" he proclaimed proudly "unless of course you are acting napping in which case you can pretend like you're napping, but anyway" he trailed off for a beat "method acting Jade!"

"Maybe I was method acting napping" Jade snapped. Realistically, she knew she was in the wrong, but she didn't really care. Sikowitz blinked, momentarily thrown off by the anger behind the sharp retort.

"Jade, there's no need to be so crabby" Jade's blood started to boil. Maybe it was the fact she'd had such an awful night's sleep, maybe it was the fact her mother had borderline assaulted her or maybe it was the fact that everything in her life had seemingly turned into a Greek tragedy overnight but she was rapidly losing her cool exterior.

"you need to let go of the bad feelings, acting is removed from your person and in this room, you should be abstract" Sikowitz had been carrying on, gesturing emphatically around the classroom. "Honestly Jade you'll go nowhere in life being such a gank".

A sharp intake of air rippled through the class as, while it wasn't odd for Sikowitz to be absentmindedly insulting to his students, insulting Jade felt like dodgy ground; student or teacher. Jade felt like she had been punched. She felt like Sikowitz's words had obliterated what was left of the wall she built around herself. Simultaneously it felt like the wind had been knocked out of her, taking all of her fight with it.

"Fine" she muttered, picking her bag and jacket she walked straight out of the classroom, without so much as a glance over her shoulder.

She walked straight down the corridor and out of the door towards the front gate, it was only as the sharp, gusty breeze hit her that she stopped, realising she was walking with no real destination in mind. She bit her bottom lip, tightening her grip around the strap of her bag.

'It's a choice between the lesser of two evils' she thought. Jade was exhausted, beyond caring what happened to her at this point. 'Still, better the devil you know than the one you don't'

She hitched her bag a little higher and continued towards the gate, fully intending to leave. Skipping school wasn't usually her thing, despite what her reputation would suggest, but right now she wanted out. School was suffocating. Just as she reached the gate, she heard someone shouting over the wind, without thinking she turned slightly to see who it was.

* * *

**Okay, so I do feel a bit mean leaving it there. I think this is the longest chapter so far, although admittedly less dramatic than the last few, but it is important in building up the plot. Thank you again for all your lovely reviews/follows/favourites; I got some rather bad news this week, so it's been really nice knowing people are actually reading and enjoying this. **


	5. Chapter 5

She supposed she shouldn't have been surprised to see Beck half walking, half jogging towards her. The universe really did seem to have it in for her. She briefly debated just carrying on and ignoring his shouts but if she knew one thing about Beck it's that he could be a persistent as hell when he wanted to be. She used to think she knew lots of things about Beck, but after the break-up she really wasn't that sure anymore.

He came to a halt in-front of her, slightly too close for Jade's liking. The wind was still blowing strongly around them, remnants left over from the previous night's storm. Jade looked at him, revealing nothing. It was a trick she'd learnt from interactions with her Dad following the fallout from her parent's divorce. If you just refuse to speak, it forces the other party to do all the talking; it can make them uncomfortable, so they say more than they want to, and are less likely to lie in the process. Either that or they get caught in their own lies; and all of this without Jade ever having to give anything away. The realisation that she'd never really had to use it on Beck before cut her like a knife.

For his part, Beck seemed unperturbed by her lack of engagement with him. In truth, he'd been stunned when she'd been caught not paying attention to Sikowitz, and then not even attempting to argue when Sikowitz had been incredibly rude. He loved Sikowitz, he was easily Beck's favourite teacher at the school, but his remarks had been below the belt. Sikowitz could quite often be insulting, but usually in a comedic way that felt harmless enough. However, he'd never known Jade to back down from a fight quite like that. Jade had never been above picking a fight with a teacher who she thought was in the wrong, hell, a teacher who was simply getting on her nerves had been enough to provoke a reaction in the past. He hadn't really thought about his actions before he was already out of his chair and halfway out of the classroom; the rest of the room still sitting motionless and silent in shock.

Now he was standing in front of her, he almost wasn't sure what to say. Face impassive, he remembered for the first time since leaving the classroom that her actions weren't really his concern anymore; and yet, they somehow still were.

"Are you going to say something or just stand there staring at me" Jade took even herself by surprise, her tactical high ground obliterated with one snarky comment. It did the trick, however, snapping Beck from his thoughts.

"What the hell was that all about?" he questioned, a bewildered look creasing up his forehead.

"What was what about?" Jade countered, trying to maintain an air of indifference. Becks eyebrows narrowed.

"You know very well what" he raised his voice, exasperated "Storming out of class to, what" he paused looking around "skip off home in the middle of the day?"

Jade could feel the anger rising again, simmering just below the surface. How dare Beck act like he has a say in what she does. He made his feelings perfectly clear when they broke up, or rather when he didn't open the damn door. Why should he feel like he any right to muscle in on her life right now?

"Why would I want to stay?" Jade snapped, her eyes flashing "Or more importantly, what's it got to do with you?"

Beck opened his mouth but shut it again, rapidly. She was right, it really didn't have anything to do with him.

"I just" he began, not really knowing where it was going "It's against school policy to leave in the middle of the day" he was internally wincing before he even finished the sentence. If it hadn't been such an odd situation, he would have laughed at himself.

"Like I care" Jade muttered before turning on her heel, hair whipping furiously around her face and resumed her original path; this time she didn't stop for anything and she certainly didn't look back.

* * *

Beck watched her go, calling her name one last time but not remotely surprised that she ignored him. He watched her retreating figure disappear out of the gate and around the corner, carding his hands through his hair as the wind messed it up. He felt oddly unsettled about their interaction. As he made his way back inside, he belatedly realised that it was the first actual interaction he'd had with Jade in weeks. He walked back into the classroom and took his seat, shrugging when Sikowitz asked if Jade was coming back. As Sikowitz resumed the lesson, albeit in a more subdued manner, Beck's head remained firmly outside, replaying his conversation with Jade. She presented as she always had and yet she seemed so different to him, he just couldn't quite put his finger on it. It was like she was there, but she wasn't. Her words had been normal and with conviction but lacking the fire behind her eyes. His brow furrowed, there was something odd about the way she walked away as well. Maybe he was overthinking it. It wasn't until the bell rang that it clicked into place, with astounding clarity. It wasn't the way she walked away; it was the fact she walked away. Jade always drove to school – so where was her car? It was like an electric shock shot straight through his body, he leapt out of his seat.

"Cat? CAT!" Beck called out to the bubbly red head who was already in the corridor.

"Oh, hey Beck" she smiled for a beat before her expression fell "Did you talk to Jadey? She won't answer my texts"

"Yeah but forget it for a moment, did you give Jade a lift in this morning?" This time it was Cat's turn to frown.

"No, my brother gave me a lift, he always does on Fridays because he has his special doctor's appointment" She shook her head. "Do you think something has upset Jadey, 'cause Sikowitz was pretty mean to her" Beck was about to respond when he was interrupted.

"Have you guys seen Jade?" Tori exclaimed "I mean, I can't believe she left like that!" Tori didn't know what to make of her odd behaviour, especially considering the morning's interaction (or lack thereof).

"She just walked out the gate" Beck stated, somewhat frustrated that he wasn't making progress. He knew it really shouldn't bother of him, but there was an odd feeling he couldn't shake about the whole situation.

"Walked?" Tori picked up on the unexpected verb "She didn't drive in this morning?" At this, Cat frowned

"I already said that" she stated and then at a higher pitch "no one ever listens to me."

"Sorry Cat, I don't think I was here for that" Tori said apologetically as Cat pouted. Beck mentally rolled his eyes at the whole situation, trying not to lose his patience.

"Has Jade seriously left campus?" This time Beck couldn't supress the groan as Andre wandered over, followed closely by Robbie.

"Yeah and she wasn't even driving" Tori replied "She's been acting kinda weird recently" At this, Beck turned towards her.

"What do you mean 'weird'?"

"Well" Tori began awkwardly, was there an etiquette for telling a friend's ex about said friend's odd behaviour? She inwardly winced at what Jade's reaction would have been to Tori calling her a friend if she'd been here.

"She was in the library, like, really early this morning, before you and Cat got there" Tori fiddled with her hair as she continued "but she barely said more than a few words to me the entire time, even though I spoke to her"

"Yeah but she doesn't really like you anyway" Cat piped up and Andre smirked, he could always count on Cat for comedy value.

"Thanks Cat" Tori frowned "She was there when you called me and left right after I hung up the phone"

"She didn't return either of my calls last night either" Cat stated forlornly "But I don't know why he'd be mad at me"

"Maybe she just didn't get enough sleep last night, that always makes me grumpy" Andre suggested. Tori shrugged, smiling ruefully but Beck wasn't convinced.

"Why did you call her Cat?"

"Because she called me, like 5 times" Cat looked down at the ground, scuffing her trained on the floor "while we were at Karaoke Dokie". Beck's stomach twisted sharply.

"She couldn't have seen us, could she?" Robbie tensed up; a vengeful Jade scared him more than he wanted to admit.

"No way" Tori was incredulous "How could she have seen us, she would have no reason to be at there, and it's not like anyone posted anything on the slap, did they?"

The group shook their heads making noises of agreement and a somewhat uncomfortable silence took over the group.

Beck's mind was starting to race. It was safe to say he knew Jade a lot better than the rest of the group. He had been in tune with her for so long it was like second nature. Despite her coming across as unpredictable to most, Beck usually knew how Jade would act and react to situations before she did. He wasn't ashamed to admit that he used it to his advantage when they were going out, from landing her with surprises to winding her up on purpose. Now, all his senses were starting to tell him that something was different this time; he'd never known Jade to act like this. Sure, he was the open book in the relationship, and she was his closed counterpart. No matter how much Jade had opened up to him over the course of the relationship, it wasn't until the last few months that he occasionally got the sense there were things he didn't know; things she didn't want to tell him. What those things were, he never really gave it much thought, too busy becoming frustrated with their ailing relationship.

The bell cut through his musings, signalling to the entire group that they were about to be late to the next class.

"She's going to be in so much trouble" Tori mused

"Yeah well we shouldn't say anything if they ask" Andre pointed out, feeling a bit guilty that Jade might have found out that they had all socialised without her.

"We'd better get going, or we're going to be in trouble too"

The group split, heading towards their classes but Beck lingered.

"Yo Beck" Andre called out over his shoulders "You coming?"

"Huh? Oh yeah I'm right behind you".

* * *

Jade half-heartedly kicked a random garden wall as she stood waiting for her bus. The foggy anger had started to lift, and she was pondering whether leaving school had actually been the right idea. Initially she'd thought she should just get some air and go back in but, after the altercation with Beck, she really didn't have the motivation. She'd then intended to walk home, which would have been a good hour and a half, however her body had chosen that point to remind her of the lack of food intake in the past 24 hours. She looked up just as the bus crested the hill.

'At least one thing has turned out right' She thought, generally public transport was unreliable at best and non-existent at worst. She idly wondered what was going to be waiting for her at home, it hadn't passed her by that she was going to have to break-in to her own house. Luckily that wasn't anything she hadn't done before, granted she hadn't done it so much in the last year as her mother had been steadily more and more absent. More often than not, Jade had stayed the night at Beck's anyway. Her house was just that, a house. Her bedroom was in many ways her sanctuary, but it didn't compare to the safety and feeling of home she had in Beck's RV. While her room was still her hideout, especially when her Mum was home, the house held too many bad memories for her to feel any real emotional attachment to it. Returning to long stretches in her room following the end of her and Beck's relationship had been unsettling, and in some ways quite distressing for her. Jade had thought she was coping but after the previous evening and her mother's actions, she was incredibly apprehensive about returning home to start with.

"But I have nowhere else to go" The thought hit her with a depressing clarity. She was 17 and alone, no real options and no one to rely on. Involuntarily, moisture sprung to her eyes and Jade wiped it away furiously. A feeling of disgust bubble to the surface, disgust and inadequacy. She felt so weak and she hated it.

All to soon she was walking up the driveway to her house. She eyed her Mum's car warily although she concluded it meant nothing as her mother got cabs almost as often as she drove. She veered left, heading for the gate that separated the garage from the fence; it was an easy climb. She carefully made her way around the back of the house, pausing to look through the sunroom window but all was quiet. She tried the sunroom door, but it was locked.

"No such luck" she thought ruefully. Taking a deep breath, she stepped back and tossed her backpack up onto the roof; she'd learnt long ago that it was easier to carry as little weight as possible when attempting this particular manoeuvre. Wedging her foot between a drainage pipe and decorative vine that crept up the side of the sunroof, Jade hauled herself up the wall and wiggled onto the roof. From there she was within stretching distance of the Juliet balcony that graced the spare room on the second floor. While the balcony was technically a faux balcony, it was just wide enough for Jade to balance before getting though the French doors, which had an inherently dodgy lock which would release if you gave it a shove in the right place.

As Jade reached out to grasp the railing, now with her backpack firmly in place, she was reminded of all the times sneaking in had been worth it. Her small acts of rebellion against a miserable situation. Jade appeared incredibly rebellious to many of her peers but really her parents weren't around enough to care. Her piercings annoyed her Dad the most, but she hardly saw him anyway. Her mother had long since stopped paying attention unless it was to throw snarky comments her way about her clothes and make-up choices. Really it was quite ironic that her Mother had objected so strongly to Beck and the thought of Jade staying out late, heaven forbid if she stayed until morning. Jade had only vague ideas of what her mother got up to outside the house but given the drug habit alone she doubted she was virtuous. Once or twice she had nearly been caught out when her Mother had arrived home unexpectedly, hence her knowledge of the dodgy lock on the second-floor balcony doors.

Jade was balancing precariously on the outside edge of the railing, her leg mid-swing when her heart almost stopped as her grip on the railings stuttered and her foot slipped. Crying out, she reached out desperately, managing to secure one hand around the bottom of the railing. She had been overcome with a dizziness completely out the blue, causing her lapse in both focus and balance. With her vision still dark at the edges, she gritted her teeth and dragged herself up and over the top of the railing. Dropping down ungracefully to the other side, she tried to catch her breath, willing her vision to sort itself out. The consequences of neglecting her diet and probably some complementary dehydration.

Jade pinched the bridge of her nose as the world stopped spinning around her, becoming aware of a sharp stinging up her arm. Turning it over, she realised she'd scraped up her arm on the brickwork as she slipped.

'Well, what's another one' she thought bitterly. She almost wondered what else could possibly go wrong but caught herself quickly. While she wasn't that superstitious, today was not the day to try tempting fate. Carefully getting to her feet, she shoved the door in the particular spot, breathing a sigh of relief as she heard the lock release. She slunk in through the gap, trying to ensure she made no noise as she closed the window back up. The house seemed to grow in magnitude as she stood there listening cautiously and hearing nothing. It was already a big house, sprawling over three and half floors as there was a mezzanine level over the main living space.

Deciding she had really better check out the whole house as she couldn't skip out on food any longer, Jade crept towards the staircase and headed downstairs. She could feel her heart thumping against her chest and felt the irrational anger spike for her lack of control. Thankfully, she made it to the kitchen without incident, but she stopped short at the door. The scene that greeted her was worse than she remembered it. Broken glass was strewn across the floor from the island to the doorway but that had been added to with various pans and broken crockery. Apparently after she left her mother had started on the plates. As she picked her way through the debris, Jade wondered what the endgame was going to be here; just how long was her Mother's behaviour going to last before there were some actually serious consequences. Jade nearly laughed at the fact she didn't consider her own cut head and sleeping at school as a serious consequence.

She poured a glass of juice and managed to drain it in one go before immediately pouring another. She surveyed the mess around her, realising she should probably do something about it. They did have a cleaner who visited once a week, but this was too suspicious and would invite too many questions for Jade's liking. Her life was screwed up enough, she didn't need anyone else sticking their nose in. Also, with all the mess it wasn't going to make preparing food easy. Less concerned about the whereabouts of her mother and somewhat resigned to fact it needed clearing up, she grabbed a broom from the hall closet and started sweeping.

With every sweep, Jade felt a little more anger creeping up on her. On the one hand, she was so tired, but anger seemed the only emotion she was capable of. It was a hollow anger, that would burn hot and fast. She put more force into her movements, frantic and barely controlled and she swept the mess into the bin with a dustpan. Starting on the counter tops, she grabbed a cloth practically launching it at the surface in resentment. If she hadn't thrown it, she might not have seen it.

The white powder sitting on the countertop. It drifted slightly from the breeze created by her throwing the cloth. Jade started to tremble, hitting her for the first time the enormity of the whole situation because she knew the white powder wasn't sugar. It wasn't salt or baking soda or washing powder. It was a highly addictive, highly illegal substance. Jade stood, almost unaware of her surroundings. Like the scenes in movies where the main character almost dissociates with their surroundings. Except this wasn't the movies, and no one was coming to rescue her. Barely giving herself time to change her mind she wiped the cloth over the powder, almost frantically washing it off into the sink as she turned the tap on full force. She repeated the action over and over until she was certain there was nothing left on the counter, and then she did a few more times for good measure. She finished straightening the kitchen almost in a daze, hardly realising what she was doing.

On autopilot, she finally turned to the cupboards gathering an assortment of snacks she could take to her room. It was like the kitchen had started to provoke an allergic reaction within her and she couldn't stand being there any longer than she had to. Shoving the food in her bag she tried to squash the rising panic, hurrying back out into the hall and upstairs towards her room. Unfortunately for Jade, her bad day was about to get just a little bit worse.

**Okay, so this was one really long chapter, but the word count was beginning to get ridiculous, so I've split it into two – hopefully it won't be too long until I get the next one up. Thank you for all your reviews/favourites/follows they really do help, so please keep letting me know what you think. **


	6. Chapter 6

Jade stood frozen in the doorway to her bedroom. Still trembling, she tried to take in the scene before her. It was not an exaggeration to say that it looked like a bomb had gone off in her room. Books were strewn across the floor, together with smashed glass from the frames of her butterfly display collection that had previously hung on the wall. Ripped paper surrounded her bed like confetti, the bed which had been torn apart and was no longer covered in the black silk sheets she loved. The longer she stared at it, the worse it looked. She supposed she shouldn't be surprised that her mother was capable of this, but really, she was. Her behaviour had been increasingly erratic in the past year, but the events of the past day had been a complete escalation beyond anything Jade had seen before.

"But why would she do this?" Jade thought desperately. Was it anger after what happened in the kitchen? Was it a continuation of her desperate search for the drugs that she was so sure that Jade had taken? Jade became aware of a sharp stinging in her arm, without realising she had been digging her fingernails into her scraped up arm. Upon looking down, she carefully loosened her grip. In the back of her mind she knew it wasn't a normal thing to do but, at that moment in time, she desperately wanted to feel grounded and the pain managed to do just that.

Tentatively, Jade took a step into the room, wincing as she felt the crunch of glass under her boot. Trying to remain calm, she cast a critical eye over the mess trying to identify if anything was even salvageable. She picked her way to her bed, mindlessly reaching out to right the overturned bedside table; a slightly pointless endeavour given the state of the room, but it was more impulsive than anything else. Jade perched on the edge of the bare mattress; vaguely aware she was trembling as she twisted her hands together as an attempt at distraction. This was beyond unknown territory for her. Her bedroom had been her safe place for so many years and it physically hurt as she looked around. What scared her more was the hurt was rapidly being replaced by a numbness. It was suffocating and terrifying, feeling as though she could barely breathe. She pressed her fingernails back into her arm, trying desperately to keep a hold of reality. Could she even stay here now? That was the question at the forefront of her mind. She had no idea whether her mother was going to be in the same frame of mind next time she saw her. Would she even remember the events of the previous evening?

Jade raised her gaze to survey the room again, trying to come up with a game plan. The smartest course of action would be to try and straighten the room out but pack a bag and go stay with Cat or someone till it blew over. Maybe even her Dad. Unconsciously, Jade shook her head at that. Too many questions and her Dad never bothered before when she had problems with her mother so why would he care now?

'Come to think of it, Cat might not want me either' Jade thought, her stomach twisting as she remembered the red head ignoring her calls last night in favour of socialising with people that Jade thought were her friends. Deep down, Jade really hoped she was just being too harsh on Cat, as Cat had eventually called her back, but Jade hadn't been in the right frame of mind to answer. She'd been planning on doing it after school but now she was definitely not in the right headspace. Almost as though that thought had given her a burst of energy, she pulled her bag towards her and retrieved her phone.

2 New Messages from Cat Valentine.

1 New Voicemail from Cat Valentine.

Jade raised her eyebrows in spite of herself. She opened the text messages, scanning them briefly as she realised, they were closer to essays than text messages. The first was from before school which was generic Cat ramble and the second from the breaktime following Sikowitz's class asking where she was and if she was coming back. Her thumb hovered over the button to listen to the voicemail, before ultimately deciding against it. She still wasn't convinced that Cat was the person to turn to in all this, but she wasn't sure what other option there was. Trying to muster up some energy, she ripped the wrapper of one of the cereal bars she'd grabbed from the kitchen and determinedly took a bite. It tasted like she was chewing cardboard, which was unusual given that these were one of her go to snacks. The more she chewed, the more her stomach churned as if protesting in advance to being fed. She forced herself to swallow just for it to feel like it was stuck in her throat. She didn't take another bite.

Jade moved up from the bed and tried to find a place to start. She crouched to start gathering up the paper scraps, attempting to crumple them into a ball before she realised, she didn't know where the paper had come from. She turned one of the larger pieces over and caught site of a typed sentence and her messy scrawl over the top. It was a script she had been working on for the past month or so; it was said writers did their best work when they were hurting.

Jade sucked in a breath.

All her hand-written notes had been lost. She ran her trembling fingers across the carpet, trying to gather up as much of the paper shreds as she could. Trying not to think about all the hard work lost. She jerked her hand back as it made contact with something sharp. Looking down, she realised it was more of the glass she had trodden on as she came in. Inspecting her hand, she realised she had escaped further injury; a small mercy given her current situation. Brushing back some strands of hair that had fallen across her face, she carefully lowered her knees to the floor attempting to locate the source of the glass. She didn't even remember having any glass by her bed. It wasn't until she saw the back of the upturned picture frame, she realised where it had come from. She gingerly picked up the remains of the frame and turned it over, this time unable to stop the tears that started spilling onto her cheeks.

As a rule, Jade didn't have photos in her room as it was too much of a reminder of what she didn't have. A loving family. For Beck, she'd made an exception. To most it was an unremarkable photo but to Jade it was everything. Or at least it had been. When she'd cleared her room of everything connected to Beck in a rage following their break-up, the photo she hadn't been able to part with. Hence, she'd stuffed it into the bottom of her bedside drawer, so she didn't have to look at it with the pain still being far to fresh. It had obviously fallen out and smashed when her mother had ransacked the room. As she looked at the photo, at the big smile on her face, at Beck's arms circled around her waist as he kissed the side of her head, her vision started to blur. The tears were now turning into full on sobs and Jade was powerless to stop it. She couldn't get a grip on what her life had become, in just a few short months. She felt so lonely and with no reprieve in sight. In her head, she knew she needed to get up and finish so she could be clear before her mother made a re-appearance, but she couldn't. Her limbs felt heavy as she buried her head in her knees, drawn up to her chest.

'What did I do to deserve this' she thought bitterly, gripping her legs as tight as she could, desperate to feel something. What felt like a cacophony of voices whispered in her head, idly chewing out every insecurity she had ever had as reasoning. She felt a tired self-hate rear up inside her.

'I always deserved this, I never could get it right' It should have been a devastating thought, but all it did was add more weight to that already sitting in her mind. She kept her head down, hoping that it wouldn't be too long before she finally cried herself out.

* * *

Beck hadn't really been giving school his full attention since Jade's sudden departure from Sikowitz's lesson. It was now lunch and he probably couldn't tell you much of what had happened in the intervening lessons. Standing in the queue for the grub truck, he half-heartedly berated himself for being so preoccupied with his former girlfriend. It was one of the reasons that they had broken-up, he reasoned, he didn't think relationships should be so difficult when you were seventeen. However, he wasn't sure the gaping hole her absence left in his life was any better. Particularly not on days like today.

"Beck were you even listening to a word I said?" Tori's voice cut through his thoughts.

"Hmm?" Beck looked up and met her questioning gaze "Uh no, sorry my mind was elsewhere". There really wasn't any point in lying to her as he had not been listening at all.

"Or was it with a certain someone?" Tori asked, raising an eyebrow. "You're not her keeper you know Beck" she carried on when Beck didn't reply "You guys haven't been together for over a month, you don't owe her anything".

Beck frowned at that. He knew Tori meant well but she really didn't understand. Something he had grown to understand, maybe more after the break-up but it had also occurred to him while they were dating, was that he and Jade had quite a mature relationship compared to others their age. Sure, they had done all the normal things couples did but they had very much become a unit. They shared a lot with each other and, despite the bickering and occasional short-lived breaks, there was a feeling that they were in it for the long haul.

"You just don't get it Tori" Beck stated plainly. "I'm sorry" he added at seeing the slightly hurt expression on her face at his remarks "but I can't just stop caring about her, even if I sometimes really wish I could".

Tori wasn't really sure what to say to that. She wanted Beck to be happy, but she was beginning to think that he wasn't ready to move on at all, perhaps just the opposite.

"Have you ever known Jade to do this kind of thing before? Just bunk off school?" Tori tried a different approach.

Beck shook his head.

"She actually really likes school, for the most part, despite what she says" He got a faraway look on his face "It was always somewhere she could let the creativity out and just run with it".

"Maybe Andre's right, maybe she just didn't feel great and Sikowitz made her snap"

"Yeah but she would've shouted, or just gone to the janitor's closet or something" Beck countered "and that doesn't explain why she didn't drive to school this morning".

"Maybe her mum grounded her and took her car" Beck shook his head again.

"Her mother isn't like that, they're not exactly close but she wouldn't take the car because Jade uses it for school and her mum can't take her".

"I just wonder if you're reading too much into this"

Beck fell silent again, picking up his panini from Festus as Tori paid for hers. He wandered over to the usual table and took the space next to Cat.

"Have you heard anything off of Jade, Cat?" Beck asked, despite already knowing the answer.

"No" Cat said sadly, a pout gracing her lips "She's being really weird, she always answers my messages". Beck's frown deepened.

"She obviously wants to be left alone" Andre pointed out, mouth full of chips, only to falter when Beck glared at him.

"Well let's look at the facts, she isn't answering our messages, she stormed out of class and has decided to spend her day somewhere other than school" He shrugged swallowing the rest of the mouthful. "Maybe she did know about last night, maybe she didn't, either way she clearly wants some space right now".

Andre had always been strangely fond of Jade, at least when she wasn't scaring him. While her personality could often be larger than life, Andre had appreciated her talent and he had often used her vocal range and style as a muse when writing his songs. It hadn't been for quite a while now though, not really since Tori joined the school he realised. However, even after crushing on for a time the previous year, he never really understood her. He'd always left that to Beck, but now he wasn't sure why his best friend was so convinced this went deeper than Jade simply being herself.

"Oh, come on, Jade has never acted like this before" Beck was starting to get frustrated, which was not helped when the other people sat at the table all adopted looks of varying levels of incredulity, Tori included.

"Taking things personally, storming off? Yeah, she has" Andre didn't hold back this time. "It's basically her MO". Tori, on the other hand, frowned.

"I don't know though" This time it was Andre's turn to raise his eyebrows "She didn't really shout, or storm anywhere. She just got up and left". Andre let this bit of information sink in.

"And Sikowitz was really mean" Cat sounded almost close to tears; Andre's eyes widened as he through an arm around her in comfort.

"He didn't mean to be rude to her, you know how he is" He tried to explain, although in retrospect he did agree.

"But that doesn't make it hurt any less" Cat said quietly "That's what we always have to tell my brother".

A difficult silence settled on the table, broken only as the bell rang to signal the final lesson of the day. The group rose slowly, there was a sense of unfinished business surrounding them as if no one really wanted to be the first to leave.

"What's your last lesson Beck?" Tori questioned, unable to stand the awkward silence.

"Free study" he replied shortly, his mind still elsewhere and mildly frustrated that he seemed to be the only one taking Jade's actions seriously.

"Oh, well see you tomorrow?"

"Yeah, yeah" He wandered off toward the study rooms, vaguely wondering how he was going to convince his brain to forget about his ex-girlfriend so he could actually get some work done.

* * *

The hallways were clear as he walked through them. It registered in the back of his mind that he should be grateful it was free study so they would be more lax about punctuality. They didn't seem to care where in the school you studied, as long as you had something to show for it. As he passed his locker, he paused to pick up the last of his books when a thought struck him. He knew the combination for Jade's locker. He felt an overwhelming urge to look, followed almost instantly by a hot shame for even considering it. She wasn't his girlfriend anymore. Even if she was, going into someone's locker is crossing a lot of privacy lines if they haven't given you their express permission. He closed the door to his but lingered still, it was tempting. Very tempting.

Beck looked around and listened carefully, the only noise was far off from the various classrooms down the corridor. He tried to appear casual as he sauntered over to Jade's locker, although while he hoped it was a saunter it was probably just making him look guilty. He still wasn't sure he could do this, if Jade knew she might actually kill him. Or worse, she'd probably feel like he violated her privacy.

'That's because you would be' a small voice in the back of his head pointed out. Beck leaned back against the adjacent wall, groaning softly. What was he even doing? He was working off what was basically intuition, not even that, it was just a feeling he had telling him something was wrong with Jade. He eyed up the locker suspiciously, as though it was about to morph into Jade's face and yell at him for even thinking about breaking in.

'It wouldn't really be breaking in' he reasoned 'Jade gave me the combination last year'. She'd done it more for practical reasons as they often swapped stuff between both their lockers for convenience. At first it had seemed like a random date; however, she had informed him it was the date her parent's divorce was finalised. He'd been taken aback at the nonchalant attitude she'd had when she told him, but Jade had just shrugged. She'd pointed out she did have many memorable dates or numbers in her life, and everyone used their birthday, so she didn't want to use it and have random creeps breaking into it. He'd thought it very weird at the time but put it down as one of Jade's eccentricities. Now, looking back, he wasn't so sure what to make of it. One thing he had realised since their break-up, was that Jade had actually been much more private than he ever realised. She had opened up to him more than anyone else, she'd told him as much on one particular evening when they'd recognized they wanted their relationship to be serious, but he now realised that didn't mean he knew everything about her. Maybe it was because he was such an open book in the relationship and dealing with someone as guarded as Jade was a new challenge for him. He never put pressure on her to share more than she felt comfortable with, thinking it was the best way for them both to deal with it.

Now though, now he was wondering how well he really knew her at all. When he had mentioned her mother earlier, he realised he didn't actually know whether she would take her car, just because he'd never known her to take it before didn't mean she wouldn't. Or even what Jade would have done to have her car taken off of her. Sure, he knew Jade used to sneak in and out when they started sleeping together but, in the last year, she had just started staying the whole night at his, not bothering to return in the mornings. He'd just figured Jade and her mum had reached an understanding as Jade was older now. He thought about Jade's tattoos, he knew her mother disapproved of her tattoos and her piercings as did her Dad, but she never mentioned any repercussions to him. He hadn't really ever thought about it.

'This is getting ridiculous' Beck thought upon realising he'd been standing, staring at Jade's locker for a good five minutes. He lurched towards it, making a snap decision. If it was the wrong one, he'd gladly take Jade yelling at him if he knew she was okay. He squashed down any thoughts about how invading her privacy might actually cause her more hurt rather rapidly. With one last quick look around to ensure he was alone; he opened the door.

Given the build-up to get to this point, the sight that greeted him was rather anti-climactic. She had the usual stack of books, gym kit at the back and a jacket hung up. He felt a sad pang as her smell engulfed him, that sandalwood and vanilla mix that made him ache a little inside. He idly pushed the books aside, realising as he did so that something had been squashed to the back. He carefully stacked the books on the other side of the locker and reached out to pull what looked like clothes forward. They were clothes, he realised, and something damp. He pulled them the rest of the way out the locker, confusion only increasing when he realised the damp item was a towel. Why did Jade have a damp towel in her locker? They hadn't had gym that morning and even if they had, there was a dedicated space to dry towels as wet towels in lockers had a habit of being forgotten which resulted in some really bad smells and mould. He re-folded the towel and set it down, turning his attention to the clothes. He immediately recognised her cardigan; it was one of her favourites owing to its softness that had come with regular wearing. It too was a little damp, although not like the towel.

He looked at the other items of clothing until it dawned on him that he was looking at the clothes Jade was wearing yesterday. He didn't even scold himself this time for paying too much attention to what his ex-girlfriend was wearing, if he hadn't, he probably wouldn't have made the connection. He still wasn't understanding the bigger picture in all of this. He was mystified as to why Jade had damp clothes and an obviously used towel in her locker on a day on which they didn't have gym. Also, why would she have clothes from the day before and then got them wet by stacking them with a damp towel? As he turned it all over in his head, he started to replace the items carefully, praying that if there was a difference that Jade wouldn't notice. He shut up her locker, mind still chewing over what he'd found when Lane walked through the foyer.

Inwardly cursing, Beck tried to look as natural as he could given he was hanging out at a locker nowhere near his own. Luckily for him, Lane seemed to not be paying much attention, muttering under his breath about something Beck couldn't quite hear about. He looked up, clocking Beck and turned towards him.

"Oh Beck, good" Lane said in lieu of an actual greeting "You haven't spoken to Jade have you?"

Beck inwardly panicked; he knew he looked too suspicious next to her locker.

"No, no I haven't" He almost stuttered, cursing his inability to apparently call on his acting abilities when they were actually needed.

To his surprise, Lane took on a much more sympathetic expression.

"Of course, I forgot you two aren't really a 'thing' anymore' Lane sighed "You kids change so fast".

Beck felt somewhat indignant at that comment, given that him and Jade had been together for just over two years, but he squashed his reaction to it.

"Is this about earlier?" Beck questioned cautiously.

"Mm hmm" Lane confirmed "Sikowitz told me she left, and we think she's gone home but no one answered when we called the house. She's going to be in a lot of trouble if she isn't careful" Lane had taken on a grave expression. Beck's nerves flared; he really didn't want Jade getting into trouble.

"I don't think she was feeling well" he blurted without thinking "You know how she can be; I think it was just more than she wanted to put up with"

"Well that may be, but she can't just leave school in the middle of the day" Lane pointed out. Beck knew that he did have some understanding when it came to Jade, not always but he had cut her slack on occasion before.

"I'll see what she says tomorrow" he sighed "I think her mother must be on a trip again or something". He looked at Beck questioningly.

"I wouldn't know" Beck answered honestly.

"Of course," Lane went back to sympathetic and understanding. "Well you better run along; I've got a conflict resolution seminar for the freshmen artistic debate elective". Beck nodded in understanding, briefly wondering whether Lane even liked his job given the lack of enthusiasm.

He checked his watching, realising there wasn't that much time left until the end of the day, he felt unsettled and like he was missing the bigger picture. He had a nagging feeling that you get when something is glaringly obvious, but you just can't see it. He tapped his hand against his thigh in frustration as he realised he really should put in an appearance in a study room to avoid any trouble.

'If I could just talk to her again, I'd know she was okay' Beck thought desperately. It was a slightly ridiculous situation, for him to be so concerned about his ex, based on a few titbits of detail. However, deep-down Beck knew he wouldn't be able to relax until he knew she was okay. It was in the same deep place that, when he was lying awake into the small hours of the morning feeling like something was missing, reminded him that his feelings for Jade were still very much there. Putting extra power into his stride, trying to work out the frustration before reaching the library, he resolved to go and see her after school. He reasoned a text would be ignored and, if he wanted to get to the bottom of this, he had to talk to Jade properly.

* * *

**Okay, so that was even longer than the last one! It's really picking up pace now and I'm very much enjoying writing the two of them in a very angsty way. Thank you so much for the lovely reaction to the previous chapter, really spurred me on. In answer to Lucy (hi!), I actually started planning something in my head this week for a second fanfiction with Beck and Jade but it will probably be a while before it makes it onto paper. Thank you to everyone else who reviewed, please do keep letting me know your thoughts :) **


	7. Chapter 7

Jade moved swiftly around her room, chucking items in a bag that vaguely resembled what she was looking for. She had forsaken any thought of turning the room back to a normal state and just wanted to get as far away as possible. Glancing into the bag, she took a quick inventory of the contents trying to cut through the fog which seemed to have descended through her head. Her movements were hurried but, to Jade, it felt like she was moving through glue. Her focus on packing distracted her from her phone which was lighting up on the side of her bed.

Incoming call: Beck Oliver

However, Jade's attention was firmly elsewhere to the point at which Beck's call wasn't the only thing she didn't register. A quiet hum of an engine just outside the house. Jade cast one last glance over her shoulder, realising she'd left her phone on the bed she doubled back to grab it. Just as she reached the doorway for a second time, she froze. This time she didn't miss the sound of the front door being shut as someone came in.

Jade could feel her pulse racing, hearing her heartbeat as though it was beating out of her chest. Trying to get a grip, she listened carefully desperate for any sign that the person who had just entered the house was not her mother. Any hope was shattered as she heard the tell-tale click of heels on the marble entrance way floor.

'She might not be in the same mood' Jade tried to reason with herself. 'She may not even come up here, I can just sneak out like I've done before'. Unfortunately, the feeling of dread that had settled deeper into the pit of her stomach did not make it seem all that likely. Indeed, Jade's intuition was proved correct as the noise of her mother's heels got louder and then sounded on the stairs, slightly muffled by the carpet runner. Even from her position, she could hear the sloppiness of the steps being taken; the lack of rhythm of the glamourous heels betraying the state of their wearer. Jade looked around the room, making the decision to duck behind her door.

'Out of sight, out of mind' she thought, trying to ignore the ridiculousness of hiding from her mother in what was supposed to be her home. She peered through the gap between the door and the door frame, holding her breath as she waited for her mother to come into view. She barely had to wait a beat before her mother staggered into sight. She hadn't really noticed the previous evening, just how bad her mother looked. She was almost unrecognisable with dark bags underneath her eyes, hair much thinner than Jade ever remembered that was now unkempt and hanging half up, half down. Her mother swaggered to a halt opposite Jade's door, Jade sucked in a breath.

'Just keep moving' she thought 'Don't stop, keep going please'.

Unfortunately for Jade her mother had no such plans. She moved towards Jade's room, mouth moving but no real sounds coming out. Jade tensed up even more, there was nothing she could do.

"Fucking mess" Jade's mother was now speaking more loudly, although not entirely coherently. She wobbled through the doorway, kicking out at the mess on the floor.

"all her fault" she muttered. Under normal circumstances, Jade would have been confused as to what her mother was blaming on her, but for now she remained frozen; praying her mother wouldn't turn around. Her mother bent over, whether to pick something up or examine it Jade neither knew nor cared, but she took it as a chance to dash out the door. In her hast to escape without detection, she was unprepared for the bookcase in the hall outside her room and knocked her bag straight into it. The resulting clang as the decorative ornaments shook wasn't particularly loud, but in a silent house it may well have been a clap of thunder. Jade winced, once again frozen in her tracts.

"JADE" her mother bellowed "JADE, GET IN HERE NOW?"

The game was up. Making a split decision, Jade turned on her heel, she wanted out and she wanted out now. However, she only made it to the second stair before she heard her mother back in the hallway.

"You stop right there" her mother slurred. Jade paused, gathering her resolve she turned around to face her mother.

"I'm leaving" she stated plainly "and I'm not coming back" Her mother scoffed.

"You're not even an adult, you can't make that decision"

"I don't care"

"You think something's better out there, waiting for you?" her mother questioned. Jade didn't know how to respond and just stared at her.

" 'cos there isn't. No one wants you and 'vryone leaves you, and they always will" Her words slurred together.

"Look at yourself" Jade spoke before she could stop herself, the familiar anger making a reappearance "What happened to you? You're a mess"

Jade knew it was probably not a good idea to antagonize her mother, but she was tired. She was sick and tired of her mother hurting her and making her feel worthless, re-enforcing every insecurity she had ever had. Now she had started, she couldn't stop. She wanted to hurt her mother as badly as she'd been hurt by her.

"No wonder Dad left you, why would he want to stay with a drugged-up, washed-up mess" Jade practically spat the insult out, taking a step up and towards her mother without realising. Her mother's eyes narrowed, anger flaring behind them.

"You think he left because of me, he left because he had a freak for a daughter"

Jade laughed, almost manically, despite the lack of anything humorous about the situation.

"You keep telling yourself that, maybe believing your own bullshit makes you sleep better at night but the rest of us know the truth" Jade shook her head. She had often wondered how much of her Dad leaving was her fault, especially given his extreme disinterest in her now, but that didn't stop her blaming her mother as well.

"Us? WHAT DO YOU MEAN US?" Her mother suddenly shouted, advancing towards her. Jade was momentarily bewildered.

"This was your doing? WASN'T IT?" Her voice was almost a screech, but Jade was still unaware as to what her mother was referencing.

"I don't know what you're"

"DON'T LIE" her mother cut across her, now standing right in-front of her. Jade could see her pupils blown wide her face pallid underneath the angry flush.

"I really don't" Jade started but was again cut off, this time by her mother grabbing her arm, yanking her closer.

"You rang John didn't you" she hissed; her face almost pressed up against Jade's own. Jade was starting to panic as she tried but failed to free herself from her mother's vice-like grip.

"I didn't talk to anyone" Jade tried, wanting to put distance between them or at least talk her mother down.

"Lying bitch. You're the reason they just fired me". Despite it all, Jade blinked in surprise at this news. In retrospect, it also explained why her mother had arrived home in the middle of the afternoon.

"You're a snake" her mother, it seemed, wasn't finished. Tightening her grip on Jade's wrist causing Jade to gasp in pain.

"and an unlovable one like that. I can't believe you're even my daughter". That one sentence hurt Jade more than the pressure on her wrist. Despite everything her mother had put her through, that cut Jade deep. Without thinking, she retaliated.

"I would rather anyone else was my mother but you"

Her words had the intended effect as her mother momentarily froze. It was like someone had paused time as she saw a flash of hurt in her mother's eyes, the first real emotion she had seen on the woman in a long time. In some ways the moment seemed like it stretched out forever but in others it was over in a flash.

Her mother screeched, actually screeched this time, in anger followed by a hard shove with the arm she was using to hold Jade as she raised her other backhanding Jade across her face. For a woman who had experienced so much trouble in trying to climb stairs and hold a conversation, the blow was direct and powerful. Enough to cause Jade to lose her footing and fall backwards down the ornate staircase.

Shock at her mother's sudden and violent action, Jade was caught off guard and found herself falling. She desperately tried to grab the railing but missed. The last thing she registered was a blinding pain splitting through her head before the black engulfed her.

Jade's mother stood at the top of the stairs, as though stunned by her own actions. She looked down at the mess of limbs in the foyer that was her daughter, slowly walking downstairs towards her. Her mind should have been awash with panic, with regret; but, she was having trouble registering what she was seeing. She reached the bottom of the stairs, with some degree of stumbling and looked at Jade more closely. A dark red puddle was growing by her head. Her mother reached out with her hand, pulling Jade's chin towards her as though to inspect the damage. Jade's head moved limply, her face pale and eyes shut. Her mother jerked her hand backwards, recoiling as though she had been burnt. She straightened up and staggered backwards, panic starting to flood her body. On reflex, she reached for her bag, needing the fix to calm the feelings. Her bag was nowhere to be found. Cursing, Jade's mother started to panic in earnest her eyes settling back on her daughter's unmoving frame.

"This is her fault" she mumbled, wringing her hands "I need more now". Aware that without her bag, she had no money to speak of Jade's mother crouched down and pulled at the pockets on the jacket Jade was wearing.

"Come on, come on" she muttered, patting down Jade's jeans pockets just in case, but still coming up empty. Her hands shaking, she finally saw the bag Jade had packed not thirty minutes earlier. Abandoning her search through Jade's clothes, she pushed Jade away from her as she reached for the bag. She emptied it upside down, shaking it in desperation until Jade's wallet fell out. Momentary relief flooded her body, scooping the wallet up and pushing herself back to her feet.

She paused for a moment more, looking back down at Jade and the mess surrounding her. There should have been conflict for her. There should have been conflict, and guilt and disgust at her actions. Instead her mother felt almost nothing, the need for her next fix thrumming through her veins and deciding her next course of action for her. Without so much as a glance over her shoulder or stopping to pick up a coat, Jade's mother walked straight out the front door.

* * *

"You've reached my voicemail. Don't bother to leave a message as I probably won't want to call you back" Beck groaned in frustration as he hung up the phone.

'No point in leaving a message if she doesn't want to talk to me' he thought. He'd tried to call Jade against his better judgement, but he figured it was a good attempt at an olive branch before just turning up at her house; plus, there was some residual guilt over breaking into her locker and going through her things earlier that afternoon. He tapped the steering wheel of his truck impatiently; he was seemingly getting caught at every red light possible on the way to Jade's house. Really, Beck didn't know what to expect when he got to Jade's, he didn't even know if she'd let him in. He really hoped that all of this was just his imagination running wild and had decided that he would quite happily accept Jade yelling at him just so long as he was wrong, and she was okay. The 25-minute journey felt like a lifetime, serving only to tighten the knot in Beck's stomach. As he pulled up the drive, he noted Jade's car was still there.

'Is that a good sign?' he wondered. He couldn't see her mother's car but that would make sense as it wasn't yet the end of the workday. He got out the truck swiftly, not wanting any more chances to change his mind. He looked up at the impressive façade as he approached the front door, Jade's room didn't have a window to the front of the house so unfortunately there were no clues to be had there. He rang the doorbell, listening to it echo throughout the building. He pulled out his phone and pulled up Jade's contact number. He tapped his foot, frowning as the door went unanswered. He rang the bell again, twice in quick succession. Still nothing.

He pressed his ear up against the door, wondering whether he would hear normal noise through a thick wooden door. He ran a hand through his hair, frustrated and questioning his sanity for what felt like the hundredth time that day.

"Jade?" he called out, cautiously "Jade, it's me, can you open up the door?" No response. "I just want to make sure you're okay, then I'll leave" he called, hoping it would convince his ex-girlfriend to make herself known but to no avail.

Deciding to bite the bullet, he pressed the call button and raised his phone to his ear; the other ear still resting on the front door. As before, he got continuous ringing and then her voicemail.

"Come on Jade, please just let me know you're okay" he banged his fist on the door in frustration, jumping when he realised the door was not on the latch. Beck frowned as this was now incredibly out of character. Jade always kept the door locked, even if she was home, as the house was so big you couldn't necessarily hear if someone came through the front door.

Beck put out his hand and twisted the big brass handle, holding in a breath as it creaked slightly as it opened.

'I'll just have a quick look and then leave' he thought 'just to make sure' however, those plans were dashed as he stepped through the doorway and took in the sight before him.

"Oh my God, JADE" Beck went white as his eyes fell upon the pale body splayed out at the bottom of the stairs. Moving so quickly he didn't realise he was moving at all, he found himself dropping to his knees next to his ex-girlfriend.

"Jade, can you hear me?" his tone was frantic, picking up Jade's wrist trying to find a pulse. He squeezed tighter upon finding nothing and registering just how cold she was. He tried again, pushing two fingers onto the side of her neck, breathing a sigh of relief when he felt a gentle although thready thrum. The relief, however, was short-lived as he found that the wet substance he was kneeling in was blood. Beck wanted to vomit.

"Jade come on you've got to wake up" he pleaded with her, gently pulling her up into his arms, trying desperately to work out where the blood was coming from. He ran his fingers through her blood-matted hair, keeping a close watch on her face for any sign of life. His hands were rapidly becoming covered in Jade's blood.

'I've gotta call an ambulance' he thought, panicking, but the thought of putting her down to get to his phone was almost unbearable while she was still bleeding. His search suddenly came to fruition as he found the source of the cut, indicated as Jade let out the smallest of whimpers as his fingers made contact.

"Jade, Jade can you hear me" He tried again, tears sitting in his eyes without him even noticing "Jade I need you to open your eyes if you can hear me" He looked at her anxiously, hoping to see movement.

"Please" he breathed. He found the wound again as he grabbed a shirt lying on the ground nearby, desperate to staunch the flow of blood coming from her head. This time Jade gave a slightly louder groan.

"That's it Jade" he coaxed "open your eyes".

With what seemed like a colossal effort, Jade's eyes fluttered open to meet Beck's.

"Oh, thank God" Beck breathed with no small amount of relief, although it was quickly curtailed when it was obvious Jade was having issues focusing her gaze on him.

"Jade what happened?" Jade's face wore a mostly vacant and only slightly confused expression.

"Beck?" she murmured

"Yes, yes it's me, I'm here" He transferred her weight, so she rested against his knee, keeping one hand applying the pressure to her head and used the other to pick up Jade's hand that was closest to him.

"Why're you here, what's going" but the slurred speech never got finished as her eyelids started to shut again, her hand going limp in Beck's.

"No, no, no" Beck was now panicking in earnest "Jade wake-up". Left with no choice, he set Jade back onto the floor, trying to keep as much pressure as he could on her head wound, while he yanked his phone out of his pocket.

Pinning his phone between his ear and his shoulder, he fumbled to re-discover Jade's pulse point, his only indication that she was indeed still alive.

"911, what's your emergency?"

"I need your help, my girlfriend is bleeding from her head and she won't wake up and I think she fell but I don't know and she won't wake up and"

"Okay sir, I'm going to need you to calm down and answer some questions for me" In the back of his mind, Beck realised he had rambled, but he was frantic. Didn't they understand that Jade could be dying?

"Yes, but you need to hurry"

"We'll be there as soon as we can, what is the address?" Beck rattled off Jade's address without thinking.

"Okay, now can you see where the blood is coming from?"

"Ye-Yes" Beck stuttered "I've put pressure on it but it's soaking through"

"Okay, that's good head wounds often bleed a lot so keep the pressure as much as possible, the ambulance has been despatched and will be with you soon"

"Okay" Beck's throat was drying up as he watched Jade, desperate for her to show any sign of life

"Are her airways still clear?"

"Yes, but she's on her back"

"Okay, Beck I need you to try and get her onto her side"

"How do" Beck started but abruptly stopped when Jade started to convulse, her whole-body twitching.

"Jade, Jade can you hear me? Oh my God"

"Alright Sir I need you to calm down and tell me what's going on" The dispatcher remained calm and clear.

"I think she's fitting; she's shaking but she's still not awake" Beck watched in horror as Jade's body twitched and jerked in a grotesque manner.

"Is she vomiting?"

"No, she's just-t" he couldn't finish the sentence

"Okay is she still fitting?" The operator continued. Beck didn't know how she could remain so calm.

"I don't know" Beck wasn't lying as while the movement had reduced, parts of Jade's body remained stiff.

"Okay if she is no longer moving, roll her onto her side gently" the operator stated firmly "She may vomit after fitting so, if she stays on her back, she is at risk of choking".

Beck placed his phone on the floor, switching it onto loudspeaker, and tried to roll Jade towards him without reducing the pressure on her head. Her body complied, flopping almost lifelessly as Beck tried to guide it carefully. It was then Beck realised he was shaking too.

"Okay she's on her side" he called out to the operator "And I've still got pressure on her head". It was much more awkward angle but a small mercy, nonetheless. The operator's reply was obscured as Beck registered the loud whine and flashing lights of an ambulance arriving in the driveway.

"IN HERE" he yelled out, desperate for them to arrive "WE'RE IN HERE". He could here doors slamming, and he wanted to feel relief at their arrival, but he couldn't.

"Hang on Jade, help is coming" he whispered, not entirely sure whether it was more for his benefit or hers.

As the Paramedics came through the door, Beck had a second surge of adrenaline as he desperately tried to read the expressions on their faces.

"Hi, do you know what's happened to her" The first paramedic, a mature man probably in his 40s, greeted without preamble.

"I don't know, I just found her like this – I guess she fell" Beck realised for the first time, he had just assumed she had fell but he had no idea how. The paramedics wasted no time trying to rouse Jade.

"What's her name?" The younger paramedic, a woman, asked.

"Jade"

"Okay, we're going to need you to move back" On the one hand Beck was reluctant to leave her side but he knew he was woefully outqualified in terms of actually being able to help Jade.

"Jade can you hear me?" The male paramedic was now shining a light in her eyes, having pulled back each eyelid in turn.

"Sluggish response, minimal constriction" the male called out "How long has she been like this?" he addressed Beck again.

"I-I don't know, she left school this morning and I was just coming to check on her" he scolded himself, that was of no use to the paramedics.

"The front door was open, and she was just laying here, but she was fitting, I think, just before you got here"

"She's severely hypotensive" the female paramedic called out as she adjusted the blood pressure cuff.

"Fitting?" the male questioned as he continued the examination

"Yeah her whole body started jerking, but she didn't vomit"

"Anything else?" Beck shook his head, clutching the rag he had previously been holding to Jade's head a little tighter. The paramedic inspected her head wound, Beck didn't like the look that crossed over his face.

"This is going to be blue call" he addressed the female paramedic "Board and collar, and an IV she needs fluids asap"

"I think she's got a fractured clavicle as well" Beck hadn't even noticed anything wrong with Jade's shoulders, having been preoccupied with the blood and lack of consciousness, but now he saw the odd shape to her left shoulder blade.

The female paramedic had disappeared out to the van, talking on her radio as she went.

As the man dressed Jade's head wound with a temporary gauze, Beck was dismayed to see how quickly the pristine white was turning a bold red. The paramedic caught sight of Beck's gaze and tried to offer some reassurance.

"Are you her boyfriend?" he asked, offhandedly

"Yeah, well" Beck paused, realising that wasn't even slightly true "Yeah I am". He knew Jade would be mad if (when) she woke up, but Beck was worried they wouldn't let him stay with her if he didn't say yes. He would later realise that on the 911 call he had also called her his girlfriend, but for now he was far too distracted.

"Well, she's had a pretty nasty fall, but I'm most concerned about the head as it looks like the wound is an older one". Beck snapped his head to meet the paramedic's eyes.

"I don't know, I didn't get to speak to her this morning, but she wasn't acting normally" he said, wondering if this was the missing information in the Jade puzzle.

"Do you have her parent's contact details?" Beck shook his head.

"I think her mum is out of town, and she doesn't really talk to her Dad"

At this point, the female paramedic had returned with the board and collar which, between the two of them, they manoeuvred Jade onto.

"Okay the hospital will contact them; I take it you want to stay with her?"

Beck nodded without hesitation as they gently lifted Jade on the board, up off the floor.

"It'll take us a minute to get her settled and with her IV fluids, you may want to put her essentials in a bag"

Again, Beck nodded, barely taking in what was being said as the image of Jade being carried out on a stretcher became burned into his memory. He stood still for a moment as they left before jumping into action starting with the upturned bag that had been discarded. He briefly surveyed the debris and realised Jade must have been packing to go somewhere. He was halfway through picking up her clothes when he realised some of them were stained with her blood. His stomach rolled. Making a split decision, he raced up the stairs to her room, casting a quick glance at the front door to make sure the paramedics weren't about to leave.

He stopped dead in the doorway, not comprehending the mess before him. Jade usually had an immaculate room, she liked things in a particular way. Why would she have done this? He shook his head, realising he didn't have time for pondering, and he made a beeline for the closet. Luckily, he knew Jade's wardrobe choices inside out and was pretty good at identifying her clothes as he scooped them off the floor. Grabbing her phone charger as well, he dashed back downstairs throwing the items into the original bag, along with some toiletries that he'd salvaged from the floor. Making sure he had her house keys, he slipped out the door just as the male paramedic was exiting the back of the ambulance.

"Time to go" he called, and Beck jogged over and into the back where the female paramedic was adjusting a tube which fed into Jade's arm.

"Strap in" she said, trying to bring Beck back to himself as he'd stopped, simply staring at Jade; he couldn't get over how small she looked.

"I'm Alison, by the way"

"Beck" he replied distractedly as he fumbled with seat belt, eyes still focused on Jade. He jumped as the siren wailed above him.

"I can't tell she's going to be fine, but she is stabilising, they'll know more at the hospital" Alison said warmly. Beck swallowed what felt like a lump the size of his fist in his throat. He was trying very hard to keep it together as he watched Alison move around, adjusting and tweaking different monitors.

"So, you two been together long?" An attempt to break the ice, Beck suspected.

"Over two years" he replied, still clutching at the bag.

"Nice, you guys must be pretty solid huh?" When Beck didn't respond to this, Alison reached over and place a supportive hand on his shoulder.

"You'll get through this" she said, again trying to offer comfort. It was useless though, as in that moment Beck had realised he wasn't just holding Jade's bag. He was still holding the rag that he'd picked up to try and stop the blood flow from her head, a rag which he assumed had originally been in the bag he now carried. Except, it wasn't a rag at all, it was his old red and black, plaid shirt. A shirt Jade had appropriated about a year into their relationship, and some weeks wore almost constantly around his RV when they were chilling out. He'd never asked for it back when they split up, he had thought of it as hers for a long time now and he knew that it was something she wore when she wanted comfort. Now it was barely recognisable as the blood had seeped into the red stripes, turning them a dark, muddy colour. Beck felt his hands start to shake ever so slightly, his eyes stinging as they watered. What had happened to Jade to put her in this state? Something was clearly very wrong.

"How could I not have noticed?" he whispered to himself, looking up at her vulnerable figure lying, still unconscious, on the back board.

* * *

**Okay, so I updated this quicker as the last chapter it started to kick off and this felt like a natural continuation. I had to do a surprising amount of medical research for what ended up being a small amount of dialogue – to anyone who knows better sorry if it wasn't accurate!**

**I'm not really that great with dialogue but hopefully this comes across well. Also, apologies for any grammatical errors – as much as I try to catch them all, some always seem to slip through. Please carry on reviewing if you feel like it, as it lets me know that people are actually reading it :)**


	8. Chapter 8

Beck stood numbly in the corridor, staring at the wall in-front of him without really seeing anything. The harsh fluorescent lights bounced off every white surface, giving the corridor what would have been an almost ethereal glow, if the overall aesthetic hadn't been so clinical. Beck idly wondered whether the lack of natural light affected the staff in the long term. Did the corridor feel so oppressive to everyone in it, or was it just him? They had taken Jade away, told him to wait in a sitting area further down, but Beck couldn't bring himself to leave the restricted access doors they'd just taken his ex-girlfriend through.

Jade's condition had not improved on the short journey to the hospital, with her failing to regain consciousness and a second fit. He knew from the look on the female paramedics face that the prognosis was serious. They'd taken her straight through for a CT scan, throwing around terms like 'intracranial pressure' and 'swelling'; all Beck knew was that he was terrified. The nurse had tried to get information out of him, but beyond Jade's basic information he felt unable to talk. It was like his throat had shrunk and what remained felt like it had been stuffed with cotton wool. All he could do was stare at the doors and hope.

In total, Beck stood outside the doors for just over an hour, barely moving a muscle, until the Doctor came out.

"Family of Jade West?" she called out, although lowering her voice as she saw Beck

"That's me" Beck croaked, his throat dry from underuse. He cleared it nervously as the Doctor gave him a sceptical look.

"You're family?"

"Her boyfriend" Beck answered shortly, frustrated that she wasn't already telling him about Jade's condition.

"I'm sorry I can't divulge information to anyone who isn't a blood relative" The doctor was apologetic but firm.

"But her parents aren't here, and probably haven't answered their phones" He said desperately, meeting her eyes to silently plead for information.

The Doctor frowned at this and headed off towards the reception desk with Beck in tow.

"Do you have the parental information and next of kin for Jade West?" she addressed the nurse behind the desk, a bubbly woman with wide framed glasses that kept slipping down her nose.

"Yes, Yes but I can't seem to raise either of her parents on their numbers" she chirped

"At all?" The Doctor prodded

"I told you" Beck reiterated "She barely sees her Dad and I think her mum left the state on a trip or something"

The Doctor spun on her foot, giving Beck a look that felt as though he was being x-rayed. Without breaking her glance, she continued directing the other woman behind the desk.

"I take it the next of kin is one of her parents then?"

"Oh, you know I didn't think to check, how silly of me" the woman tittered, and Beck ground his teeth; having to almost bite his tongue to stop himself from snapping at her. As it was, he was sure that Jade's next of kin was her mother but at least the stern looking Doctor seemed equally as unimpressed at the woman's accidental blunder.

"Oh, the next of kin is unrelated, how odd for a minor" This caught Beck's attention and he snapped his head towards the woman.

"Is there a contact number?" The Doctor huffed, clearly annoyed at the extra time being taken up.

"Yes, yes there is a mobile for a Mr Beck Oliver" Beck's heart skipped a beat, Jade had named him as next of kin?

"That's me" he blurted out "I'm Beck, the boyfriend"

The Doctor narrowed her eyes, but Beck was one step ahead, pulling out his wallet and showing his driver's licence.

"See, I really am here for Jade, I need to know how she is" Beck pleaded, letting out a small breath as the Doctor's eyes softened almost imperceptibly.

She inclined her head, motioning for Beck to follow her back down the corridor.

"I'm Dr Griffiths, I've been in charge of Jade's care"

"Is she going to be alright, is she-" Beck was cut off as Dr Griffiths held up a hand to stop him.

"Most of her wounds were superficial, but her clavicle is fractured which will take time to heal" Beck almost began to breathe a little easier, until he realised the Doctor was not done talking.

"Her head is a little more complicated. We suspect she has a cerebral edema as a result of trauma to her skull, what that means is that fluid has started to develop in her brain and it's increasing the pressure inside her skull"

Beck swallowed, struggling to keep up with what Dr Griffiths was saying.

"We've attempted a controlled hyperventilation to reduce blood flow, but it made no real difference; we've now got to the point where I'm seriously concerned about the reduction in the flow of oxygen to her brain and the long-term damage it could cause"

Beck was nodding, still struggling to get to grips with what the Doctor was telling him.

"So, what are the options?" he said, voice hoarse

"I want to try a Ventriculostomy, it should help drain the excess fluid and start releasing the pressure to her skull"

Beck nodded

"Then what are you waiting for, what haven't you done it yet?" He didn't understand why the Doctor was standing out here chatting when Jade was somewhere behind those doors with what sounded like a serious brain injury.

"We need the approval of her next of kin or parent, as it is an invasive medical procedure that involves drilling a hole into her skull".

Beck winced; his eyes wide.

"Isn't-t that risky?" he stuttered

"No procedure is without risk, that's why we consult with family and next of kin but, in my opinion, she is at much more risk of stroke and permanent brain damage if I do not proceed"

Beck found himself nodding again.

"Do it, whatever you have to do just do it"

Dr Griffiths inclined her head in understanding and turned to leave.

"Can I see her" Beck blurted it out without thinking "I mean is she even conscious?"

"She's been drifting in and out since she arrived, she most likely won't know you are there"

"Please?"

"You can have a moment while we are prepping" she acquiesced "I'll have one of the techs fetch you once she's in the operating theatre – it will only be through the glass mind you as we will put her under a general anaesthetic owing to her condition"

Beck nodded again, not trusting himself to speak as Dr Griffiths disappeared through the doors again. Beck felt like his head was spinning with all the information he'd just heard. Swelling? Oxygen deprivation? Potential brain damage? How had they even got to this point? He wasn't even supposed to be going to her house, it was against his better judgement at the time. His blood ran ice cold at the thought of what might have happened to Jade had he not shown up.

* * *

All too soon he was being ushered through the doors by a man who looked not that much older than Beck. He was led into a room which consisted of two big sinks and a large window which backed onto the surgical theatre, he'd watched enough of Grey's anatomy to know exactly where he was. His gaze immediately fell onto Jade, who was almost unrecognisable amid the swaths of surgical cloth, tubes and bright lights. Beck was struck with how small she looked. Jade had always been a larger than life character, at least to him, although he was often quietly honoured that he had seen her softer side as well when they were alone together.

Without realising he was doing it, Beck reached out a hand and pressed his fingertips on the glass. Almost as if he thought he could somehow touch her, bought back to reality when he felt the cold glass beneath his fingers instead of Jade's warm skin.

"It won't be long" a sympathetic voice sounded behind him "Once the drain is in and she's stabilised she can go to the ward"

Beck looked behind him, trying to offer a grateful smile to the young man but it came out as more of a pained grimace. He allowed himself to be guided back out, this time going down the corridor to sit on one of the little plastic chairs. He pushed it so he could still see the doors, wanting to know the minute Jade was out.

Taking a deep breath, he pulled her bag towards him and started carefully pulling out the contents. He was well aware that when he hastily shoved it all in there, it was a real mess, so he wanted to make the effort to fold it. Jade always hated it when her clothes looked scruffy. As he pulled the last layer out, a piece of paper fluttered to the ground. Beck frowned, finishing the last of the folding and carefully stacking the clothing back in the bag; he reached down to pick up the paper. While it was blank on one side, he flipped it over and realised it was actually a photo print. A very specific photo print of Jade and him, taken early last year while they were on a day out hiking a coastal trail. The photo was one of his favourite ones, taken by a stranger on Beck's request who had happened to be passing by, it really showed how happy they were. This time when Beck felt his eyes start to sting, he couldn't hold it back. Tears started tracking down his face as he stared at the picture, at the smile on Jade's face and half smile on his as he kissed the side of her head. He ran his hand over his face, trying to dislodge the remaining moisture while placing the picture almost reverently back into her bag.

'Why would she have it in her bag?' he wondered 'Did it mean she missed him too?' he scolded himself almost immediately for thinking of something so trivial while Jade was facing life changing injuries. At that thought, he pulled out his phone realising he'd been uncharacteristically out of touch with the rest of the world.

"Shit" he muttered as he realised just how many notifications trying to bring his attention to messages he had missed, including three from his parents. His blinked in disbelief when he realised it was just past 7 in the evening. It simultaneously felt like an age had passed but also no time at all since he'd found Jade at the bottom of those stairs. The scene swam before his eyes again with excruciating detail; something he didn't think he was ever going to forget, burned into his memory.

Blinking hard, he turned his attention back to his phone starting a triage with the messages from his parents. His parents were back in Canada for a few weeks, combining his Aunt's birthday celebration with the wedding of long-term family friend. Luckily for Beck, he hadn't had to go this time as the school really would have frowned upon any more time off. Also, the family friend was an old work colleague of his father's and no one Beck actually knew. As expected, they were asking whether he was home, and then whether he had a good day at school, the latest one from his mum betraying worry that her son hadn't replied. He started tapping out a response, starting with a complete fabrication about spending the night at Andre's to work on a project before deleting it and trying the truth. His parents had never really warmed to Jade and were almost cheerful when they discovered they were no longer dating. They didn't really understand her, and after the mishap with the Rottweiler his Dad really didn't like her. His Mum had tried over the years but never really understood what he saw in her.

It had been a big part of why he'd moved out of the house and into the RV. He never felt like he could relax with Jade under their roof, and while they didn't outright ban him from seeing her, they had made it incredibly difficult on occasion. He maybe could have tolerated it, until he saw how distant Jade was from her own family. Quite early on in their relationship he'd overheard a conversation between Jade and her Dad on her phone. While he only really heard Jade's half of the conversation, he immediately got a sense of the hurt he caused in her with his deep dismissal and disapproval. He had decided then and there that he never wanted to cause Jade that kind of pain even it was indirectly through his parents. His mother had eventually accepted the situation, and unlike his father had the grace to stay neutral when Beck had broken the news of their split.

On his fourth attempt at typing out a message, Beck groaned and hit the call button without giving himself time to re-consider.

"Hello, Beck?" His mother's warm voice greeted him almost immediately

"Hey" Beck croaked, sounding every bit as broken as he felt.

"Beck? Beck, honey, what's wrong" The panic was evident in Abigail Oliver's voice

"Its-" Beck took a deep breath, trying to steel himself "It's Jade"

"What is it? What's happened?"

"Mum there was so much blood" and at that, the last of Beck's self-control left him as he broke down in tears. His breaths got shorter as he tried to explain to his mum the events of her afternoon. He gripped his phone so tightly his arms ached as he kept it pinned to his ear, finally allowing the tears to flow freely. Abigail Oliver listened half in disbelief, half distraught at the pain her son was in and her being so far away and unable to make him feel better.

In the end, Beck was on the phone for around 40 minutes, eventually calming down enough to satisfy his mum that he would be okay. He stopped her from flying back then and there, told her he would let her know when Jade was out of surgery. As much as he knew his Mum wouldn't wish this upon Jade, he had no desire to try and navigate the complexities of that situation before he even knew how Jade was going to be. Beck briefly flicked through the remaining messages, an assortment from Andre and Tori as well as a few off the wall ones from Cat. He chewed over what he should reply, or even if he should. His eyes flicked to the large clock in the waiting area, it was getting late.

'No, they can wait' he thought. It wasn't like there was anything constructive to tell them until Jade was back out. He knew how they'd all respond anyway. Andre would be concerned but awkward as he wouldn't know what to say, Tori would freak out and he really didn't have the energy for that and as for Cat, well. Cat was the only person apart from him that he thought really should know, but her psyche probably wasn't strong enough for that. Beck never really knew what went on with Cat's brother, and Jade had never been that forthcoming with the details, but he knew it was the cause of the girl often retreating inside her own mind. He didn't want to cause her any more upset, especially as at this point there was nothing he could tell her in terms of Jade's prognosis.

He jammed his phone back into his jeans pocket, sighing and looking down the corridor his heart jumping as he saw movement through the frosted glass panels. He leapt to his feet as he saw Dr Griffiths and an orderly pushing a still unconscious Jade down the corridor.

"It's gone about as well as we could hope" Dr Griffiths greeted him as he almost ran up to them, falling into step with ease.

"The fluid had started to drain, and the swelling has now started to reduce, but it's going to be slow going".

Beck looked down at Jade who had several tubes attached to her, one at the base of her head and a breathing canula under her nose. Her arm had also been supported in a contraption of supports with a sling, to immobilise it an allow the fracture to heal.

"When is she going to wake up?" He asked, somewhat nervous of the response.

"The effects of the anaesthetic have almost worn off, so she should come around in the next hour or so". At this Beck breathed a sigh of relief, feeling as though at least some of the weight on his shoulders had been lifted.

"We are taking her to a private room, not only is she classed as a minor, but her insurance is pretty extensive"

"Her Dad sorted that" Beck said absentmindedly. It was one of the few ways her father actually fulfilled his duties as a parent.

"Well if either he or her mother doesn't put in an appearance soon, this will probably get escalated" Beck frowned at that.

"Escalated?" he questioned

"She's a minor who was in what was a pretty serious accident at least one of her parents should be in contact". Dr Griffiths eyed Beck as though he was holding some secret information that he wasn't willing to share. In truth he was but at that point in time, he wasn't interested in explaining Jade's home life to a doctor. He was reasonably sure her mother would be reached soon as, surely, she couldn't ignore all the missed calls from different numbers.

After Jade was settled in the room, Beck pulled a chair next to the bed. He no longer found it in him to care about boundaries, he was just glad that Jade was still here beside him. He listened intently to every beep of the monitor that signalled that her heart was still beating. He watched her chest rise and fall with each breathe, feeling just a little more relief with each one. He studied her face as every so often her eyes would twitch. He gently took her free hand in his, relishing in the warmth and steady beat of the pulse in her wrist.

It was while he was holding her hand that he felt her fingers twitch in his. Beck blinked, wondering briefly if he'd imagined the movement. He hesitantly tightened his own grip, waiting with bated breath, until

"Jade?" he had felt it again. Beck rose up from the chair, leaning slightly over Jade's slight figure. "Jade, can you hear me?" Unlike his frantic tones of this afternoon, this was softer although with a similar level of urgency.

Jade's eyelids fluttered, a small moan escaping from her lips. Beck held his breath, trying not to squeeze her hand too hard in anticipation. Blue-green eyes met brown.

"Beck?" it came out mumbled and confused. She tried to lift her hand up to her head which was thumping, causing a searing pain across the base of her skull, but it was too heavy. Confused, she attempted the other hand, finding she couldn't move it all but not understanding why it felt strapped to her chest.

"It's okay, you're okay" Beck spoke softly, not wanting to spook her more than she already was. Jade's attention drifted back to him; her confusion having momentarily made her forget he was right there.

"Where?" she croaked

"LA Memorial hospital" Beck squeezed her hand without realising "You fell and hit your head quite badly, there was some swelling, so they had to" he paused unsure of the best way to describe it "do a thing to fix it" Jade's attention had drifted during his pause, finding it difficult to focus with the pain that was radiating through her head.

"My head hurts" Beck reached over and pressed a little button clipped onto her bed rails.

"They didn't want to give you anymore while you were out, but you can press this for pain relief – pretty neat huh?" Beck attempted a quiet smile, but Jade was struggling to follow.

"Out where?" her confusion would have been adorable had it not been for the continued seriousness of the situation.

"General anaesthetic, they had to put you under because of your injuries" Jade frowned followed swiftly by a whimper as the movement caused the pain in her head to spike further. Beck pushed the button into her spare hand, momentarily sad that he had to release his hold on it. Jade was quiet for a moment as the pain relief started to trickle through. Her eyelids drooped.

"Why are you here?" It was asked without malice or spite, simply confusion.

"Where else would I be?".

* * *

Jade felt like she was floating. No, that wasn't right. It was more like swimming; except she wasn't moving but the water around her was. Except she couldn't feel the water, just the odd sensation of weightlessness. Her head was foggy, seemingly unable to process complete thoughts. It felt like a tight elastic band had been wrapped around the base of her head and was constantly squeezing. It was unsettling, and yet she couldn't panic. She waited, patiently, for something to change. If she'd been more aware, she would have found the idea of her waiting patiently for something laughable. Or maybe she was aware, had that thought come from her?

She tried to focus on her surroundings, but nothing was making sense. She imagined she could hear voices, distorted as though she was standing on a cliff edge and the voices were caught in the wind. How could she be on a cliff if she was in water? Her brain struggled to grasp reality. She could see the cliff now, approaching the edge but without ever taking steps towards it. For the first time, she was aware of herself, but her body didn't feel right. It felt strange, like it belonged to someone else. She couldn't move. A small wave of panic moved through her, but it dissipated within a moment or two. It could have been five minutes or five hours, Jade wasn't sure. Wherever she was, time didn't seem to have much meaning.

She was at the cliff edge now, looking down she could see the rough waves throwing themselves against the rock. There was no noise though, just the pressure around her head, maybe a buzzing, she wasn't sure. Nothing made sense. The voices were back, mere snatches of disembodied speech that weren't quite clear enough for Jade to decipher what they were saying. She wanted to call out to them, see if they could hear her too, but her mouth wouldn't obey. She stared down at the rocks as the waves continued to crash against them, trying to imagine the noise. The water below appeared enticing, but only for a moment. Jade was confused.

She presumed she was standing, but she couldn't quite work it out. More of her surroundings were becoming clear to her, a horizon had appeared that wasn't there before and clouds in the sky. They were dark and stormy, usually something that would appeal to her. As she took in the new appearances, she imagined, under normal circumstances, this was a beautiful place. Except she still wasn't sure if she was really there. Slowly, the pressure in her head was releasing being replaced by a pain. She could feel a tingling in her arm but still couldn't move it. She mused that the feeling returning meant she must be there for real; she couldn't be dreaming all this. But she was still unsure of how she had got there.

The intensity of the pain was slowly increasing, creeping up inside her. At the same time, she became aware of a soothing warmth enveloping her left hand. A soft voice carried on the wind. She tried to move her hand, trying to grasp the warmth as the wind whipped around her. Somehow, she knew what was going to happen. She looked down at the rocks one last time before closing her eyes as she fell.

Bright lights flooded her eyes, she squinted trying to ease the pain that was lacing itself through her head like a red-hot poker. Beck was there, in front of her, talking to her. Why was Beck there? She could barely understand him as he pressed something small and round into her hand. A hand, she noticed, that was no longer warm. She was talking but mostly unaware of what she was saying. A fog had started to flood her brain again but this time there was no unsettled nature to it, just an overwhelming calm as the pain receded. A drowsiness started to overtake her, enough to frustrate her as she tried to focus on what Beck was saying.

"Where else would I be?" Jade blinked slowly, losing the battle against the drowsiness falling into the comforting black.

"Where else would I be?" the simple yet strangely comforting phrase echoing softly throughout her mind as she fell back to sleep.

* * *

**Okay so not as long as the last one but it felt like a good place to leave it. Thank you so much for all the reviews/favourites/follows, they really kept me motivated to get this one up today! I'm really glad people are enjoying it – makes me all warm inside haha. **

**I'm trying to keep the characterisation as accurate as possible, but given the show never really did deep angst it's a bit tricky at times to balance it with as much realism as possible. Please feel free to carry on sharing your thoughts! **


	9. Chapter 9

The second time Jade woke up, she did so with much less confusion. The lights were dimmer and while there was still pain in her head, it was much less pronounced. She blinked a few times as the room came into focus. Upon realising it was a hospital room, a small frown appeared on her face.

'Why am I here?' Jade wondered, unable to remember arriving at the hospital, or even being taken into this room. She tried to recall the last thing she could remember doing, blinking hard as she recalled hiding out in her house from her mother. A cold set in as she remembered the argument with her mother and the subsequent fall. A dull shock spread through her body as she connected the dots, realising that clearly whatever had happened as she fell had been serious enough for hospital admission.

As her awareness increased, she realised something must have happened to her arm as it was strapped to her chest. She went to move her other hand and realised it was trapped under a warm weight. She experimentally twisted her neck so she could look down, becoming confused for the second time as she saw a hand holding hers. She snapped her neck to the side trying to see who the other hand belonged to. Unfortunately, she regretted it almost immediately as pain shot through the base of her skull causing her eyes to slam shut as they watered in agony.

Taking a deep breath as she waited for the pain to wane, Jade slowly turned her head a second time, her eyes falling upon Beck's slumped form in the chair next to the bed. The first thing that struck her was that he did not look remotely comfortable in the chair. He was half sitting, half-laying with his neck rolled to one side, his head partially resting on the arm that was outstretched to her bed where he held her hand. He didn't look at all relaxed, a far cry from how he usually looked when he slept. Jade had never been a great sleeper herself, sure she hated mornings, but it was unusual for her to sleep through the night without waking up several times. As such, she had spent a lot of time studying Beck as he slept. Beck was a very good sleeper and, as Jade grudgingly admitted to herself, he tended to look great while he did it. She figured it was the uncomfortable sleeping arrangements that were preventing his usual calm sleep expression right now.

'But how did he get here?' the question flitted across her mind; Jade's general confusion was only growing at this point. If her Mother called an ambulance, why would her ex-boyfriend be with her at the hospital. A small siren went off in her mind, why on earth was Beck holding her hand? It felt nice, although she hated to admit it, as it was calming and almost grounding her in the confusion; except, in some ways, the gesture was only complicating matters further. Deciding it was best to end the handholding she carefully tried to start extracting her hand from Beck's, which turned out to be more effort than she expected, requiring more focus than moving a hand ever really should. Jade's lack of coordination resulted in her gently jostling Becks fingers, bringing him out of his uneasy sleep with a start.

Beck sat straight up, as though hit with an electric current, stopping with a groan as his body protested the sudden movement. He blinked, wiping a hand down his face as he tried to work out what had interrupted his sleep. He turned to Jade's still form, momentarily startled when he realised she was awake and looking at him.

"Jade?"

"Hi" she croaked, frowning at how her voice sounded after what must have been an extended period of non-use. Beck leapt into action a second time, reaching for a jug of water on the table at the end of the bed, pouring some into a cup with a straw.

"Here, drink this" he offered it to her, but held back ever so slightly, giving her the choice as to attempt to lift it herself with her free arm. Being Jade, she tried to lift her arm, but she couldn't get her hand to grip properly. She gingerly accepted the straw as Beck moved it closer to her mouth.

"The nurse said that might happen, apparently it won't last long it's just because you've been out for so long"

"How long?" She questioned, her voice sounding slightly more normal but still gravelly.

"About 12 hours, I think". In truth, Beck still had no idea how long she'd been on the floor unconscious before he'd found her. He held onto the cup, absentmindedly twiddling the straw, there was a definite awkward feeling settling around them. Knowing Jade's stubborn nature, he realised he was probably going to have to be the one to break the silence.

"Jade, what happened?" he raised his eyes to meet hers again, not expecting to see the vulnerability in them that was reflecting out sure as day. Jade shook her head slowly, having learnt from earlier, not ready to go there yet.

"Jade" Beck tried again but Jade cut across him,

"What did you mean out? What's wrong with me?".

Beck swallowed anxiously, trying to find the words.

"You had swelling in your brain, you were fitting and unconscious" he swallowed again "and there was a lot of blood" Jade just stared at him, it would have been in disbelief except she knew there was no way Beck was making this up.

"They had to uh, drill a hole into the base of your skull to relieve the pressure and stop the swelling" His eyes drifted to the small patch of shaved hair, barely visible behind her ear.

"You've also got stiches on the other side where your head was cut open" To Beck, that was some of the more gruesome damage, the stitched area still looked messy as while the nurses had done a small clean up, there was still a fair amount of blood matted into her hair.

"You woke up earlier, but you weren't really with it"

"My arm?"

"Fractured clavicle" he said shortly "It's gonna take 6-8 weeks for that one to heal" Jade took a moment to absorb the information.

"Where's my mother?" Beck winced

"They haven't been able to raise her, or your dad" At this Jade's brows furrowed in confusion.

"She didn't bring me in"

"Uh no, I did" For some reason, Beck couldn't meet her eyes and kept them firmly focused on the straw, rolling it back and forth between two of his fingers.

"I came over after school and found you, I called an ambulance" he trailed off, not really sure how to continue. Thrown off by Jade's lack of reaction, he raised his head to try and gauge her mood. He was confused at the absence of emotion on her face. It was like someone had wiped her face clean of all expression; even her eyes had fallen stone cold.

Despite the outward projection of a blank slate, Jade's mind was racing. Beck was the one to find her and call an ambulance, not her mother. Where had her mother gone? Had she fallen too and also been unconscious? Why wasn't it her mother who called an ambulance? The thought that her mother had just left her there was hanging at the forefront of Jade's mind. She didn't want to believe it. For all her mother's faults and despite the fact she was the reason Jade had fallen, Jade was almost certain her mother wouldn't have just left her daughter there without getting help. Almost.

"Jade?" Beck's voice brought her back to the present.

"Was my mother there?" Now it was Beck's turn to furrow his brows in confusion.

"No, no one was, they can't get your Dad either" he repeated, wondering if she was having trouble understanding. A flash of panic arose in him as he wondered if this was a side effect of her head injury.

"So, where did you find me then?" There was a hint of her normal bite to the question as panic rose inside her.

"At the bottom of the stairs in your foyer" Beck was bewildered at the line of questioning.

"You're lying" she snapped. Beck felt a spike of irritation at that, he'd been through enough in the last day without Jade arguing with him as soon as she woke up. It was irrational but he couldn't help it.

"I'm not. What's going on? Jade do you understand what I'm telling you?" he tried to stay calm.

"I'm not a stupid child" Jade snapped again "Nothing is going on" she fell silent for a moment before taking a deep breath.

"Look, thanks" she said shortly "Thanks for the ambulance and waiting while they sorted me out, but you can go now".

Beck sat still, stunned into silence at the obvious dismissal.

"Are you su-" Beck started only to be cut off

"Just go" she snarled. Beck opened his mouth to retort before thinking better of it. He threw his chair back and stormed off to the door without looking back.

He made it halfway down the corridor before he began to calm down a bit. In his haste to leave, he'd forgotten that it was gone 3am, he really didn't fancy trying to get a cab home this early. Really though, he didn't want to leave Jade on her own, no matter how angry she got at him. There was definitely something going on there, about that Beck was certain, and he was almost sure it wasn't a repercussion from her head wound. She'd reacted so impulsively when he'd clarified that her mum wasn't at the house, the reaction far too heated for it to be nothing. Deciding he'd just take a small walk around the rest of the floor to give her time to cool off, Beck started to wander slowly turning over the conversation with Jade in his head.

* * *

Jade lay on the cold hospital bed, staring blankly at a spot on the far wall without really taking in what she was seeing. She felt like she was crawling out of her skin trying to digest what had happened to her and take stock of a body that no longer felt like her own, courtesy of the cocktail of drugs being fed through her cannula. The pain in her head was steadily increasing but Jade didn't care, it barely even registered as she grappled with the fact her mother may have left her to die. Normally she would have cringed at the cliché nature of the phrase, but it was a sobering thought given what Beck had told her. Despite what she'd said when she lashed out, she knew Beck had no reason to lie, no reason to make up such a fantastical story. Even if she had doubts, the state she was in now would easily have disavowed her of them. At best, her mother had left her not understanding or processing what had happened or at worst had simply left, too high to care if she lived or died. She could remember the events leading up to her waking up in the bed more clearly now. She remembered the argument, how her mother's words had cut her deep and how she'd baited her in return. She remembered the momentary shock as her mother's hand hit her face and shoved causing Jade to lose her balance. Most of all she could remember the split second of panic she felt as she started to feel, followed by an all-consuming pain before the black.

Despite what Beck had said, she didn't remember waking up earlier in the day. Jade had the vague feeling that she had memories of being unconscious, but she couldn't recall them. Now she lay in the bed, trying to absorb her new reality and not fall apart. She almost scoffed at the thought of not falling apart; Jade didn't really think there was anything left of her to hold together at this point. Even with her increasingly erratic behaviour, she never thought her own mother would be capable of this. Not just causing harm but then leaving her alone. Jade felt a cold numbness set in throughout her body. She felt tears start to leak out the corners of her eyes, completely involuntarily. Furious, she tried to wipe them away only becoming more frustrated as she was met with pain as, without thinking, she tried to move her fractured arm. She moved her remaining good arm, trying successfully not to jostle the cannula, but she failed to stem the flow of tears now tracking down her face and resting on her jaw.

Beck paused outside the room, a little hesitant to just walk in after how Jade (and he) had acted right before he left. He'd always said he wasn't scared of Jade, but this was entirely new territory for the both of them. Steeling himself, he transferred the caffeinated peace offering he'd collected from the coffee machine to his right hand so his left could operate the door handle. He peered cautiously through the small window and saw Jade had barely moved from where she had been when he left. Just as he started to open the door, he realised something was different. She was staring vacantly at the far wall, unmoving and he could see faint moonlight bouncing off of her cheeks. It took him half a second to realise the reason he could see this, was because it was bouncing off of something wet; tear tracks, he realised after a beat.

Jade was crying.

An overwhelming urge that he didn't fully recognise flooded his body, and without realising what he was doing he was through the door and halfway to Jade's bed before she even managed to look over in his direction. Beck didn't even give he the chance to pretend she wasn't crying and wipe the tears away before he was at her bedside, hastily dumping the coffee on the table and enveloping her in a tight hug.

The swiftness of his actions meant the actual angle he was holding Jade at was quite awkward. She felt stiff in his arms, whether in shock or discomfort he wasn't sure, but Beck was determined to make it stick. His intuition was right, something was seriously wrong, and every fibre of his being was screaming at him to make it right for her. He shifted so he was sitting properly on the bed, not just perched precariously on the side, changing the angle allowing him to draw her closer to him without jostling her bad arm. He tucked her head almost directly under his chin, turning his head towards her as his furthest away hand tangled gently in the hair at the bottom of her head. It was at this point he felt the stiffness leave Jade's body, almost as though she was melting into him, her good hand grasped his t-shirt and didn't let go. Her cannula had snagged on his shirt and was now pulling at her skin, but it didn't even seem to register with her. Beck's other arm was wrapped around Jade's waist and he tightened it in response, just wanting to make her feel safe.

"Shhhh" his voice was barely a whisper, murmuring into her hair as luckily the bandages for her the open wound they'd found were on the opposite side. He was still trying to be mindful of the entry site for the Ventriculostomy which was closer to him, but fortunately located at the base of her head which was now resting on his chest.

"It's going to be okay, I promise" Beck's chest squeezed as he spoke, dreading that he'd just made a promise that he had no idea if he could keep as, so far, the situation had been anything but under his control. However, it did have an effect on Jade who transitioned from silent crying to full-on, body shaking sobs as her emotions finally got the better of her.

"It's okay, it's okay" he repeated, holding her as tight as dared, gently rocking back and forth in attempt to calm her. Without thinking, he pressed a kiss onto the top of her head closing his eyes as he did so. He didn't think in all their time of dating he'd ever seen Jade cry properly, and definitely not like this. He'd seen her cry for an acting role right after they started going out, but that was a completely different type of crying. Once or twice he'd had the feeling that she had been crying, when he knew things were rough at home, as her eyes would be red or her face a bit puffy. She'd never talked about it though, she'd just accept his comfort and distraction as long as he didn't make a big deal out of it, and she'd carry on. Now though, she made no effort to hide anything; in fairness, Beck didn't think she could have even if she wanted to.

Jade didn't know how long she stayed in Beck's arms, only that the warmth had made her cry even harder. She was furiously embarrassed at the way she'd dissolved into his arms. Furious at herself for being so weak, furious at Beck for being the one person who managed to make her feel so vulnerable and be unable to hide it. However, the anger was only secondary to the onslaught of grief that was pouring out of her. If you'd asked her then and there why she was crying, Jade wouldn't have been able to give a direct answer. The emotional pain was raw, rivalling the pain that was slicing through her head. Once it started coming out, she felt like she couldn't stop; ugly sobs pushing up through her throat making it feel like she was suffocating. She clung to Beck, screwing his shirt up in her good hand in a desperate attempt to regain control over her emotions. She gulped in air, trying to ease the pressure on her lungs but it only seemed to make it worse. She started gasping in-between the sobs, struggling for air. The steady beeps from the pulse monitor suddenly picked up in pace.

"Hey, come on now, you're going to make yourself sick" Beck's soft voice reached her ears as the shaking started.

"I can't" Jade managed before reverting to the gasping-sobbing cycle

"You can, just breathe with me" He removed his hand from her waist, bringing it up to untangle hers from his shirt. He moved it to his chest, directly over his heart, before covering it with his own so they could both feel the beat of his heart. He took a deep demonstrative breath, still swaying ever so gently trying to calm her down.

"Just breathe" he murmured, free hand stroking her hair carefully.

Slowly, Jade's breathing began to even out and her sobs quietened to almost whimpers before disappearing altogether. Despite his calm exterior, Beck's mind was racing. He chanced a look at the pulse monitor, which had now returned to a steady beat. For a moment he wondered why no nurse had been in to check what was going on, but he dismissed it as no alarms had been triggered. His mind quickly refocused on the problem at hand, or rather the problem that was tucked up against him and bound to shut him out as soon as she had her wits about her again. Deciding that was not an option, Beck decided to tackle it head on.

"How are you doing?" The words made Jade tense and she almost immediately started to move to extract herself. Beck held tight.

"No, we're not doing this again. You're not shutting me out" His words were quiet but firm. They had the desired effect as Jade's movements paused although, whether it was in compliance or shock at being told what to do, Beck wasn't sure. She didn't relax back into his embrace, but Beck figured it was a solid start.

"Jade?" he questioned gently. He didn't want to put pressure on her, especially not in this state, but he needed some understanding of what she was feeling or even thinking.

Jade hiccupped quietly, face still partially buried in Beck's shirt.

"We had an argument" Beck almost had to strain to hear the words "She came home while I was there and we argued and" Jade broke off, not wanting to finish the sentence and hear the words out loud, as though hearing them would make all of this more real.

"And?" Beck prodded again, in the same gentle voice.

"And she hit me, and I fell" the words were barely above a whisper but to Beck they may as well have been shouted through a megaphone.

"She" Beck paused, grappling with his shock at what had just been said "She hit you?". Beck didn't really know that much about Jade's mother, other than that Jade preferred it when they weren't in the same space for very long. He had always thought her relationship with her Dad was the more fractious of the two.

Jade had yet to speak another word, but Beck couldn't let it finish there.

"Jade, has she hit you before?" He asked in a determinedly measured tone.

Jade's silence spoke volumes. Beck took a sharp intake of breath through his teeth.

"It wasn't often" Jade offered quietly "And mostly it was throwing things, usually because she's high". Jade let the latest detail just hang in the air around them. For the first time she felt somewhat awkward at the fact she'd never told Beck about her mother's spiralling drug addiction. The longer he stayed silent, the more an anxiousness twisted in the pit of her stomach. Jade couldn't explain why, but she really didn't want him to be mad at her for not telling him.

Beck's mind was racing. Never once had Jade mentioned her mother doing drugs throughout their entire relationship. She barely mentioned her mother at all except for the occasional off-hand comment about her disapproval. Beck felt sick. How could she not have told him?

'How come you never asked?" a snide voice retaliated somewhere in the back of his mind. An overwhelming wave of guilt hit him suddenly, he closed his eyes trying to will it away. Without realising he had started slowly rocking again, although whether it was for Jade's comfort or his own, he wasn't sure. Beck's eyes snapped open as he remembered what the paramedic had said about her head wound, that he thought it had occurred prior to the fall that left her incapacitated on the floor. His eyes locked onto the jagged stitching that had been sewn across the large gash on the other side of Jade's head. On reflex, he raised his hand from her waist, carefully pulling back some of her surrounding hair, hair that was still matted with blood.

Jade took a sharp intake of breath as a hot stinging emanated from the area Beck was touching. She knew Beck wasn't stupid and he knew where it had come from. A deep shame flooded her body followed by the piercing numbness she was all too used to feeling.

"Jade" Beck started but it went no further as he had no idea what he was going to say. Jade stayed silent, unable to trust herself to say anything at all. She wasn't sure how long they stayed like that, but she was becoming more aware of the pain in her head which was now accompanied by a pain radiating out from her collarbone, which she guessed was the fractured clavicle. Gingerly, she removed her hand from Beck's chest where it had been curled into his t-shirt and reached for the button which controlled her painkillers. For a moment she missed the steady thrum of his heartbeat under her fingers and the warmth of his skin, but the dulling of the pain as the medication got to work almost made up for it. Almost.

"You need to get some more sleep" Beck murmured. He wasn't sure of the protocol here, he was pretty sure they'd now blurred almost all the boundaries you could as exes, but he didn't regret it, not even for a second.

He went to move away but noticed almost immediately that Jade didn't and stiffened ever so slightly. Despite the situation, his heart skipped a beat, did she want him to stay? He paused, briefly debating the best course of action. He didn't want to assume what she wanted but then again, Jade would never ask for what she wanted, at least not on an emotional level. She was stubborn as hell and hated appearing weak, or at least what she thought of as weak.

'Although, that ship has well and truly sailed tonight' Beck thought ruefully.

"Do you want me to stay?" Asking outright was the best course of action, Beck had concluded, as it removed the ambiguity. The last thing he wanted to do was to make Jade feel more uncomfortable. The beat it took Jade to respond seemed to stretch out before him almost indefinitely; he tried to ignore the snide voice which was now reminding him how terrified he was that she would reject him. He needn't have worried however as Jade gave the smallest of nods into his chest.

"Okay then" Despite everything, Beck felt strangely light at her response. He swung his legs carefully up onto the bed, so he was in a more comfortable position, and then gently helped Jade re-position herself. She still had yet to meet his eyes, but he heard her inhale deeply and she tucked herself into him. It was reminiscent of so many evenings they had spent together in his RV, although this was logistically more complex trying to accommodate both the cannula and the cast, while not knocking her head. Regardless, Beck found both relief and longing at having Jade back in his arms. He closed his eyes, trying to banish all thoughts of what had led them to the hospital bed and just focus on the warm weight settled on his chest, on the soft hair cascading down his arm and the steady breathing which was synched up with the quiet beeping of the hospital machinery. He listened as Jade's breathing evened out, getting ever so slightly deeper signalling she had fallen back to sleep. It was only now he chanced a look down at her face. Her skin was paler than usual, not helped by the last of the moonlight that was filtering through the industrial blinds. Dawn was not too far away, Beck noted. He frowned as he took in the dark circles around her eyes, her cheekbones seeming a bit more pronounced than usual. Was Jade losing weight? His eyes skimmed down her frame, but the hospital gown and sheets obscured her figure. He filed the thought away for the morning. He knew he should probably get some sleep too; his eyelids were beginning to droop but there was something stopping him. Or rather, someone.

The guilt that had been plaguing Beck at the back of his mind had now taken on a life of its own, stopping him from being able to sleep. As irrational as it may have seemed to others, Beck didn't want to fall asleep in case Jade woke up and needed him. The snide voice was delighting in reminding him every few minutes that, clearly, he hadn't been there for Jade when she needed someone before. Always too caught up in his own life, the voice taunted. Now he was here, he would be damned if he let her down again. He found himself not caring that they were no longer dating, not agonising over whether or not he was feeling too strongly for an ex and he just wanted to be there for her. He settled back against the rather flimsy pillow, tightening his grip around Jade as he did so. He looked at clock on the far wall, squinting as the numbers were only just visible in the pale dawn light. It wouldn't be too long before the nurses came in for the morning rounds, he guessed. His eyes flicked back down to Jade's face; she wasn't moving but he wasn't sure she was resting peacefully either. He gently stroked the back of her hand, the one that had found its way back to gripping his shirt. He would stay awake, guarding her, for as long as she needed, he vowed silently.

* * *

**Okay, this one took a while to put together but here it is. Weirdly, this was one of the first scenes I imagined when I started thinking about writing this fic, so I'm glad to have finally got there! I also want to say, this isn't going to be a smooth sailing situation from here – there's still a lot to happen and I don't want their relationship to just fall back together because stuff is happening. I'm hoping to approach it from a more mature angle :) That being said, it felt nice to finally write a somewhat positive scene between them… **

**Please carry on reviewing as I love knowing other people are reading it and hearing other people's thoughts as well as whether or not they enjoyed it. As always, any mistakes are my own – checking my own grammar has always been difficult!**


	10. Chapter 10

Beck laid on the bed, dozing quietly. Despite his best efforts, he hadn't managed to stay wide awake since he had convinced Jade to get some sleep. The girl in question was still firmly snuggled into his arms, the intravenous painkillers having enabled her to fall asleep and, more importantly, stay asleep. Beck had slept in 15-20 minute chunks, too keyed up to really let go of his surroundings for very long. This time, however, an unfamiliar noise pulled him from his sleep, a rustling that he couldn't place. With trouble, he opened his eyes, squinting in the bright morning light that was streaming through the window.

"Ah hem"

Beck jumped, startled by the noise signifying someone else was in the room. He looked up, eyes focusing on a nurse who was standing at the end of the bed, one eyebrow raised.

Beck felt his cheeks start to burn as they filled with colour. It wasn't exactly the most ideal position to be found in.

"Err" he struggled to find his voice, although he wasn't really sure what he was going to say anyway.

"You must be the boyfriend?" Her tone wasn't too intimidating, stern, but not unfriendly. Beck simply nodded in response, taking care not to jostle Jade.

"They said you hadn't left her since she came in" The nurse inclined her head toward the door as she spoke, clearly referring to the other medical staff who had been handling Jade's care. She started shuffling around with Jade's monitors, taking down notes on a chart.

"I take it she woke up again during the night?" The nurse enquired.

"Yeah, but properly this time, I think it was around three"

"And you didn't think to inform one of the night nurses?" Beck's stomach dropped.

"No, I did-" Beck took a breath "I didn't I don't know why, I just" He broke off again, dejected. The nurse looked up and, seeing the expression on his face, decided to cut him a break.

"You were just glad to see her wake-up and you didn't think about it" She had adopted an understanding tone.

'I should have though' Beck thought furiously, feeling frustration at his own negligence. What if Jade had needed serious help? As though the nurse could read his mind, she interrupted his thoughts,

"If there had been something wrong, you would have remembered" her tone was firm again, managing to provide Beck with some relief.

"From the sounds of it, you've both been through a lot in the last 24 hours, you need to cut yourself some slack". Beck nodded again, not trusting himself to speak.

"How was she when she was awake?"

"She didn't remember waking up before, she didn't even know how she got here" Beck's tone was strained "But she remembered how she fell".

The nurse nodded, sensing that now was not the time to probe any further.

"Did she mention any pain?"

"No but I'm sure her head was hurting as she used the button a few times and she was squinting a bit as well"

"That's to be expected, we will keep tabs on it but it's not unusual" She handled Jade's IV, deftly changing the bags.

"Right, I'm going to need you to move now so I can wake her up" Beck half wanted to argue but the Nurse's tone brooked no argument. He carefully started to untangle himself from Jade, no easy feat between her injuries, the cannula and trying not to wake her up before the nurse could.

* * *

Jade felt a twinge of annoyance as something started pulling her from the comforting blackness of her, albeit partially drug-induced, sleep. She felt a sudden loss of warmth, as though she'd been sleeping under the thickest of blankets and someone had just ripped it off of her. She tried to reach out, but her limbs were too heavy to lift.

"Jade" a voice was calling her name, a female voice she didn't recognise. Jade tried to ignore it, wanting to cling onto the blissful unconsciousness for a moment longer, but the voice was insistent.

"Jade, time to wake up"

Jade opened her eyes with some difficulty. The bright light of the room caused a burning which sent shooting pains around her skull. She closed and reopened her eyes several times, each time hoping that the pain would lessen somewhat. Upon feeling no release from the pain, she slammed her eyes shut, screwing them up tightly. She raised her hand to her head in a futile attempt to try and stop the pain which now felt like a burning rope was being tightened around her forehead.

"Jade can you hear me?" The woman talking was obviously in the room with her, probably a nurse, Jade's brain supplied.

A nurse. She was in hospital. Beck was there? She tried to open her eyes again but to no avail as the pain only increased, she took a sharp intake of breath.

"Jade, you need to tell me what hurts" Jade felt a frustration rise within her, it wasn't that simple as her brain didn't seem to want to communicate with her mouth.

"Jade is it your head?" she managed a nod as she felt movement on the bed next to her, followed by a clicking sound. After what felt like an eternity, the pain started to ease, ebbing away enough that Jade risked opening her eyes again. The person, to which Jade assumed the voice belonged to, was the first thing she saw, standing in front of her with a concerned look on her face. She was holding Jade's wrist, fingers clamped over pulse point as she watched a machine behind Jade's head. Jade's eyes flicked around the room, now realising the blinding light was simply daylight spilling through the window. Her eyes fell on Beck who was standing on the other side of the bed, he looked tired and a little pale but managed to offer up a small smile as her eyes met his. Jade almost reciprocated, but she wasn't sure she knew how to smile anymore. She maintained eye contact for a moment before the nurse drew her attention back.

"How is your level of pain now, on a scale of 1-10?"

Jade paused, trying to take stock but she again had an overwhelming feeling that her body was not her own; she knew the pain was there, but it was like she had disassociated from it.

"About a 5" Jade decided a middle figure was a good bet. The nurse nodded with a small frown, finally relinquishing her wrist.

"That's to be expected, it should improve in the next 24 hours or so. Your head has gone through some severe trauma so residual pain and prolonged headaches are par for the course" She took out a small torch and went to place her hand under Jade's chin.

"I'm just going to check your pupil constriction" Jade consented, although not really feeling like she had a choice at that point. "You need to let me know if the pain gets any worse or if the painkillers are not keeping it under control"

The nurse drew back, seemingly satisfied with what she'd observed.

"I'm Emma, I'll be responsible for the majority of your check-ups during your stay, but Dr Griffiths will be along shortly to give you some more information and check on how you're healing up".

Jade stayed silent, trying to keep up with everything that was being said.

"We still haven't managed to make contact with either of your parents, do you know any numbers we could reach them on?".

Jade's throat constricted at the thought of either of her parents arriving at the hospital. She didn't have much to choose from between a violent mother who would probably get arrested on entry and a disinterested father who, as far as she was concerned, acted like he didn't have a daughter most of the time.

"Jade, couldn't they reach your Dad through his work?" Beck's soft voice broke through her thoughts and her eyes snapped to him equal parts desperate for him to shut up and furious for even bringing it up.

"I don't remember the name" Jade croaked; throat dry again after sleeping. Beck's brow furrowed, wondering if she was being difficult on purpose but upon realising his expression was mirrored on her face became concerned. Emma also realised what was going on and interjected,

"It's normal for you to have difficulty recalling small details after a head injury, it shouldn't last indefinitely" she assured Jade "Just try not to force it, and we will keep an eye on it".

It only served to frustrate Jade, however, who couldn't understand why she could remember plenty of other things perfectly, things she would rather forget.

"It's on a card in my wallet" Jade replied quietly "The name of the firm". Beck moved closer to the bed and into Jade's direct eye line.

"I, uh, I packed your bag up, but I didn't see your wallet" he looked a little guilty, as though the act of packing her bag would upset her.

"What bag?"

"The one you had next to you when I found you" Beck said softly "But all the stuff had fallen out, and some of it, well, some of it couldn't be saved which is probably where your wallet is". Jade paused, taking in what Beck had said, still frowning as she struggled to think of the name again even though it felt like it was on the tip of her tongue.

"What does his company do?" Emma asked, trying to prompt her memory.

"It's a law firm, criminal law" Jade responded without really thinking.

"I'll get the front desk to do some searching, we've been trying the number on file throughout the night so I'm sure it won't be long before either he or your mother are in touch".

Jade simply scoffed in response.

"The doctor will be along shortly" and with that Emma left, leaving Beck and Jade by themselves.

Jade could feel Beck's eyes on her, but she kept her own fixed determinedly on the hospital sheet, her free hand playing with a loose thread, unknowingly the same thread Beck had been playing with earlier. Beck was studying Jade carefully, similar to how one would study a nervous animal, trying to decide how best to approach the situation without spooking her. There was no denying Beck was worried about Jade's inability to recall the name of her father's company, but he also wasn't sure how much of that was linked to Jade not caring in the first place. She was so far removed from her father; she didn't even see him regularly despite a court order which supposedly required visitation every other week. Jade's outward air of indifference towards this had been adopted once she realised that her father didn't even realise when her visits stopped. He made no effort to contact her or fight to get her to see him. As far as Beck was concerned, there wasn't a paternal bone in his body. He thought that Jade had relied on her Mum as the sole parental influence but now he was questioning that to.

Realising that Jade wasn't going to offer any conversation any time soon, Beck took a breath.

"How are you feeling?" It was supposed to be a light question but instead it ended up being loaded and emotionally charged.

"Fine" Jade answered automatically, not missing a beat.

"Jade, cut the crap" Though the words were harsh, Beck's tone wasn't "I'm not asking you to bare your soul, I just want to know how you're feeling".

Jade pondered this for a moment, still refusing to lift her eyes from the bed covers.

"I don't know how I feel" She answered honestly "My head hurts and it's too bright in here, that's about it".

Beck opened his mouth, ready to serve a sharp retort but caught himself before he actually said anything. He realised Jade even attempting to answer the question honestly was an improvement on her standard, shut-down mode. He moved closer to the bed, still being mindful not to make her feel crowded.

"Do you remember waking up last night and what we talked about?" He asked gently.

Jade nodded slowly, twiddling the thread faster between her thumb and forefinger.

"You're going to have to tell someone, you know that right?" Jade yanked sharply at the thread, effectively tearing it off of the sheets leaving a large snag in the fabric as it pulled at the surrounding threads. Her insides had frozen at Beck's words and she instantly regretted ever telling him. Regretted and hated the weakness that had made her tell him in equal measure.

"I don't see why" She said quietly, still not meeting his eyes. Beck took a step towards the bed, crouching down to put himself directly in Jade's eye line.

"Jade" he began with a forced sense of calm "Your mum pushed you down a staircase and then left you there"

"Yes, I know, I was there" Jade hissed at the bed covers

"Except you weren't there Jade" Beck was unable to keep the frustration out of his voice "You were unconscious in a puddle of your own blood".

Jade winced at this, the pain in his voice hitting too close to home.

"What would've happened if I hadn't come by? Huh?" He didn't want to say it, but the implication was hanging in the air between them. For Beck, the realisation that Jade could have died last night was something he wasn't going to forget easily. Still, as horrifying as it had been for him, Beck was trying to keep in mind that it was even worse for Jade.

"Please look at me". Reluctantly Jade turned her head, finally meeting Beck's gaze.

"I can't imagine how awful you must feel right now" he laid his hand on hers. Jade tensed but didn't attempt to move her hand away.

"But whether your mum was high or not, no matter how much her actions were influenced by something she took, you have to know this isn't right" his eyes looked imploringly into hers, practically begging her to agree with him.

Jade had always hated when Beck fixed her with one of those gazes. It felt like he was staring straight through the mask she usually had in place. Even when they were dating there were some times she still felt the need to hide behind it, like with her mother's drug habit. Part of Jade wanted to give in, part of her wanted to tell Beck he was right but deep down she knew it wasn't that simple. There was no getting out for her now, she felt trapped in the situation which she was sure was somehow of her own making. There was no alternative option for her, hell, her Dad must have had at least a few missed calls and voicemails from the hospital by now and he was still uncontactable. He'd checked out years ago, before the divorce was even on the cards. She forced herself back into the present, focusing on the very specific shade of brown that were Beck's eyes. He was still crouched by the side of her bed, hand on top of hers.

Just as the silence was beginning to become completely overwhelming, the door opened causing both of them to jump. Dr Griffiths strode purposefully into the room, resisting the urge to raise an eyebrow when she saw Beck crouched on the floor next to her patient's bed.

'He's committed' she thought 'I'll give him that'.

"Ms West I'm Dr Griffiths, I've been overseeing your treatment here" Jade nodded, barely meeting her eyes. A little warning flag waved at the back of the Doctor's mind. Call it intuition, call it years of patient interaction but something felt very wrong about the situation to Dr Griffiths.

"You were bought in unconscious with a severe head injury and scans revealed swelling and increasing pressure in your skull". Jade sat impassive and indifferent; Dr Griffiths frowned.

"We performed a procedure called a Ventriculostomy, simply put we drilled a hole into the base of your skull to release the fluid build-up and ease the pressure".

Concerned at the lack of reaction, Dr Griffiths was struggling to assess her patient's mental state.

"You've lost a small patch of hair and have some staples in place which we will take out in a few days, luckily the drain was completed while you were sedated". For the first time since Dr Griffiths entered the room, Jade made a movement. She flinched involuntarily, raising her good hand to her head feeling the foreign stubble as she ran her fingers lightly over the entry site. Beck looked on, worried. Jade's lack of reaction had not escaped his notice either.

"You also have a deep cut on the other side of your head, which we've stitched but it will take a while to heal, the nurses will clean it up later" Dr Griffiths paused, watching as Jade's expression blanked out again, her hand just hanging loosely by her head until Beck gently took it in his.

"Your clavicle is fractured, we've strapped it up but that one is a waiting game" Dr Griffiths was rapidly becoming concerned about Jade's cognitive function, struggling to ascertain whether the lack of reaction was being caused by repercussions from her injuries.

"I'm going ask you to do a few things now so I can assess your brain function" Jade nodded a second time.

"Can you show me your teeth?" Jade complied.

"Raise your good arm, good, stick out your tongue?" Beck snorted in spite of himself. Jade's eyes flicked to him, finding their familiar glare for a moment.

"You're brain function appears fine, are you in any pain?" More silence.

"Jade" Beck prodded quietly.

"My head hurts" Jade knew if she didn't say something Beck would, she would normally be livid at his intervention, but she was struggling to find the energy to pay attention, let alone get angry.

"Some pain is normal, your head has been through some severe trauma, use the morphine drip but if it doesn't improve in the next 6-8 hours then you need to tell me"

"Okay"

"Do you have any questions?"

"When can I leave?" Another red flag popped up in Dr Griffiths head. This one more prominent.

"It's going to be a few days at least, and you won't be going anywhere until we make contact with your parents" She turned her glance to meet with Beck's "I'm sure your boyfriend has told you we've been having trouble with that".

She looked back at Jade who was now staring fixatedly out of the window, biting her lip. Beck met the Doctor's eyes again, nothing but worry in his gaze. Dr Griffiths thought she was beginning to piece the puzzle together now.

"The nurse will be in shortly to help you freshen up and change the dressings" and with that she left as swiftly as she'd come in.

Jade stared out the window, feeling as thought the cheerful sunshine and fluffy clouds in the distance were existing simply to mock her. She slipped her hand free of Beck's, missing the warmth almost instantly so she tucked it back under the sheets. The thin sheets were a poor substitute. Suddenly, something struck her.

"Why did she call you my boyfriend?" Jade asked quietly, still looking out the window. Beck froze, he had been hoping she hadn't picked up on that particular detail.

"Uh, when you came in, they wouldn't tell me anything because I wasn't family" Beck swallowed, trying to gauge Jade's reaction.

"So, when they couldn't get your parents, they assumed, and I didn't correct them". Surprisingly, Jade seemed to accept this without comment.

"Jade about what we were talking about-"

"Can we not do this right now" Jade retorted, finally looking at Beck. "It's, it's just too much right now, everything hurts and I'm tired and I just can't right now" her tone was strained and perilously close to tears, much to her frustration.

"I'm not trying to start a fight I just-"

"Okay, okay" Beck said hurriedly, realising he may have been pushing too far "We can wait and see which of your parents they get first".

Now it was Jade's turn to snort, although hers was one of derision. Despite the situation, Beck allowed himself a wry smile at the small glimpse of Jade's personality that had managed to slip through. He went to carry on talking but felt his phone start to buzz. His mom was calling.

"Oh, I gotta take this" he mumbled, stepping towards the door and nearly getting smacked with it as the nurse, Emma he recalled, re-entered the room with a water basin and dressings.

"Hi Jade, ready for a clean-up?" Emma's cheery voice quietened as the door swung shut. Beck was somewhat relieved at the timing as it meant Jade could have her privacy.

* * *

"Hey Mum" he answered

"Oh, Beck thank god you picked up, how are you doing?"

"How am I doing? I'm not the one in the hospital bed"

"I know, I know but you were so upset last night. I've spent all night worrying about you" his mother started to ramble. Beck knew she meant well but he intensely disliked the way his parents treated Jade. His mother had always made more of an effort, but she could still be rather insensitive without realising. He answered her questions carefully, not wanting to reveal anything Jade wouldn't want shared. In retrospect, Jade wouldn't want any of this shared, but it was definitely too late for that. Hanging up with the promise to keep his Mom updated, Beck headed down the corridor wanting to take the opportunity to freshen up himself.

As the cold water made contact with his face, Beck savoured the moment, keen to feel more awake and refreshed. As he reached for paper towels to try off, he caught site of himself for the first time in the mirror. The first thing that struck him was just how tired he looked, his eyes were partially ringed by dark circles and somewhat puffy. His hair looked unkempt, although not outright messy, but a far cry from his usual appearance. Beck was surprised, after all it had even been a full day since it all started, but he put it down to the added stress. He ran a hand through his hair, trying to introduce some semblance of order to it; it was only partially successful but, it reminded him of Jade's teasing back from when they first woke up together and her glee that his hair wasn't always effortlessly perfect.

His mind was full of Jade. Everything he thought about came right back to her. He was so full of worry and uncertainty he could barely think straight. He never would have imagined everything that was apparently going on with her mother, never would have thought that the reason she avoided her house went deeper than the standard teenage resentment towards her divorced parents. The guilt was overwhelming as he thought of every time he could remember when she'd been in an unexplained bad mood and he'd given her grief for it, had something happened at home each time? He felt sick as he realised that the cut on Jade's head can't have been the first time it had become physical, he still wasn't sure how the cut had occurred and he was almost afraid to ask, too afraid of the answer. Gathering himself, he looked at himself hard in the mirror.

'You may not have been there for her then, but you can be now' he thought firmly. He found himself not caring about whether or not Jade would let him be there for her. The situation was no less complicated by the fact they were still broken-up, but Jade meant far more to Beck than a 'break-up' could make him forget, something the recent events had made him realise with a sharp clarity. Whether she loved him, hated him or merely tolerated him, Beck was determined he would not abandon her now.

'Everyone else in her life walks out and I'm not going to be that person'

_'You've already been that person'_ the snide little voice was apparently not done tormenting Beck. He stubbornly ignored it. He left the bathroom with a renewed purpose, striding purposefully back towards Jade's room until he had a flash of inspiration and diverted down another corridor.

* * *

Jade laid on the hospital bed, although now she had been raised into a sitting position so the nurse could clean the area surrounding where the glass had cut her head.

"This is going to sting a bit, but if it feels sharp you need to let me know". At Jade's lack of response, Emma prompted her.

"Jade? Did you hear me?"

"Yes" Jade answered shortly. It wasn't that the nurse had done anything particularly offensive, but Jade wasn't a fan of bodily contact at the best times and the nurse was completely within her personal space. She closed her eyes and tried to focus on anything else, choosing instead to home in on the stinging as the anti-septic swabs made contact with the stitches.

As Emma started trying to free some of the blood from Jade's hair, she felt pity seeping into her, she was obviously in a far bleaker situation than was immediately apparent, given her reluctance to engage with anyone. Emma frowned as she felt something grit-like under her fingers, through the swab. She inspected the swab, tilting it into the light as she noticed the light bouncing off the surface.

Glass fragments, she realised and suddenly it was clear to her exactly what had caused the injury to her patient's head. She looked more closely at Jade's hair and saw several small shards trapped by the blood that had matted her hair, previously covered by the dressing. Despite her many years of experience as a nurse, it didn't stop her heart sinking further. Determined to stay professional, Emma worked carefully to remove all the glass and rinse Jade's hair as best as possible, quietly hoping it would help her feel just a little more human.

"Right, that's done. I'm going to take your vitals and then, if you want, I can help you get changed". This did get a reaction out of Jade, who looked up in mild surprise.

"Changed?"

"Yes, you don't have to stay in your surgery gown, they're not the most comfortable and you have a bag of clothes" Emma motioned towards the bag that Beck had stashed under the chair.

'Would you like to get changed?" Jade paused momentarily, not keen on the idea of having to undress in front of someone and accept help but, with her arm strapped up it wasn't going to happen on her own any time soon.

"Yes" she said shortly "Please" it was added as an afterthought, but Emma took it as a positive sign. She passed Jade the bag, unzipped so Jade could pull clothes out with her good hand.

Jade felt a small twinge of relief as she thumbed her way through familiar clothes. Even better, they were comfy clothes that she'd prepared for a night away. She pulled out a loose, black, long-sleeve top and dug around for the loose cotton pants she usually wore it with. She felt around with her hand but couldn't find them, she groaned inwardly as she remembered Beck mentioning that some of her things couldn't be saved. She pulled at the opening, trying to get some light into the bag so she could see more of what was in there; a hazard of having mostly dark coloured clothing. She stuck her arm in again, trying to find anything that felt like trousers but paused when she felt a soft, fleecy material. She jerked it free with some effort, as the material had created a static force, sticking it to the surrounding clothes. The item in of clothing was, as she had suspected, her fleecy pyjama bottoms. Pyjama bottoms she knew she didn't pack. They were usually stashed at the back of her closet for really crappy days, usually at a certain time of the month, for ultimate comfort.

'Beck must have packed them' she thought, the realisation crashing over her with more force than perhaps it should have. For a moment, she was overwhelmed with gratitude towards her ex-boyfriend, but it soon gave way to an all-encompassing fear. If Beck had packed these pants then he'd been in her room. If he'd been in her room, he'd seen the state it was in and he wouldn't let it go; she knew him too well to even try to kid herself that he would turn a blind eye.

"Jade?" Emma interrupted her thoughts "Are you ready to get changed?". Jade nodded, still caught in her spiralling thoughts.

Getting changed was a rather slow affair, what with all the tubes and dressings which had to be negotiated. It was also quite painful when the nurse released Jade's broken arm from the harness, gently coaxing it into the top.

"It actually won't be too long until you have to start moving your shoulder" Emma commented as she noted Jade's screwed up face as she breathed through the pain. "Within a few days you should start moving your fingers as well, to stop the joint from freezing up". Jade grunted in response.

"I'm also going to replace your harness with a sling, they're much more comfortable and easier to deal with now you are awake".

After what felt like an age, Jade was sitting back on the bed disproportionately exhausted for the amount of movement she'd actually carried out. A small part of her did recognise that she felt more comfortable in her own clothes compared to the thin hospital gown.

"We're also going to start easing you off the constant pain relief" Emma mentioned as she tidied away the gown.

"For now, I'll lower the dose, you can still use the button but if your pain goes through the roof you should call for a nurse".

Jade was back to nodding in response, but Emma chose not to push it, she knew how exhausting normal movement could be for patients recovering from trauma. She was also still pre-occupied with the glass she washed out of Jade's hair.

"I'll be back in the afternoon".

* * *

Jade watched her go, noting that this was the first time since she woke-up that she'd been left on her own. She watched the door for a moment, half expecting someone else to come waltzing through. After a minute, she adjusted and tried to lay her head back on the pillows, but she couldn't quite get comfortable. She raised her good arm again, this time having a good feel around her head, trying to get a picture of what things looked like. The shaved area felt foreign, and the staples there were not covered in a dressing. On top, her hair was still a little damp, but the dressing was fresh and felt smaller on her head than the one that had been their previously. Jade shivered, the wet patch of her hair making her feel colder for a moment. She tried to feel across her shoulder and clavicle but that was still too painful.

Jade felt restless and exhausted at the same time. Her legs twitched. Her brain was still struggling to get a grip on everything that had happened and everything that was still happening. It felt like a page out of someone else's life.

'No' she thought 'It's more than that, it feels like a badly written soap'.

An anxious feeling rose up and twisted in her stomach. Her free fingers twitched. The clock on the far wall sounded amplified, the rhythmic ticks resonating through her head. Jade's eyes darted around the room, desperate for a distraction. The bag. Her bag was just within reach and Jade made a sudden grab for it which she regretted almost immediately as pain shot through her head and her broken shoulder. Gritting her teeth, she pushed it to one side pulling the bag onto her lap. The contents was now quite messy after Jade had struggled to pull out the pants earlier but, she managed to have a good look through. Mercifully, her toiletry bag was still in there and she found her phone caught up in her spare bra. The indicator light was flashing, indicating she'd missed a call or message from someone. She put the phone to one side, deciding she would deal with that in a moment. She wasn't sure who the message or call would have been from but was certain that, while she didn't know who she wanted it to be from, she would be disappointed whoever it was.

Taking one last feel around, Jade felt a small piece of card that she didn't immediately recognise. Mildly curious, she carefully pulled it out only for her heart to stop when she saw what it was. The photograph of her and Beck. She fought the lump in her throat violently, refusing to cry anymore. As she stared at the photo, she vaguely remembered finding it in her room and stashing it into the bag, while trying not to think about it. Jade realised it was a good bet that Beck had seen the photo by now.

'No wonder he's being so nice' Jade thought 'It all makes sense, he's pitying poor, broken-hearted Jade with the broken home and the fucked up mother". The numb feeling was returning, faster than Jade could even understand. She took one last look at the photo before shoving it back into the bag.

* * *

**Wow, this ended up being incredibly long. Well I'm now 'socially distancing' which is … boring but hey we've got to do what we've got to do. I hope you're all keeping safe and well in all of this. Good news is I have two days annual leave next week and now I'm not supposed to leave my flat, I'll probably do more writing. Something big is coming up in the next chapter. **

**Thank you for all the lovely reviews – really helps and makes me cheerful when at the moment the world feels like its crashing and burning!**

**Small note – I found a big typo in the previous chapter where I left one of my notes in, so I've replaced it with a different version. I know I don't catch all my SPaG errors but that one really bugged me! So, some of you may have had two notifications for new chapters when there is only one today, sorry!**


	11. Chapter 11

"Mr Oliver"

Beck almost didn't register that the voice calling down the corridor was addressing him; he didn't think he'd ever once been called by anything other than his first name. Fortunately, he paused and turned to see Dr Griffiths walking swiftly towards him.

"Can I have a word?" She indicated towards a side room, just offset on the opposite wall to Jade's room.

"Sure" Beck had a feeling this was going to happen soon "Can I drop these off first?" He was holding a take-away cup of coffee in each hand, a second attempt after the earlier coffee was left to go cold on the side.

"It won't take long" Her tone brooked no room for an argument, and she was already opening the door to the small room. Beck followed her in, setting the coffee down on a small shelving unit. He took a seat on one of the two chairs in the room at Dr Griffiths gesture.

"Mr Oliver, I'm going to need you to be completely honest with me"

"It's Beck and uh, sure"

"I'm sure you know we are concerned about Ms West's situation; she has offered no information as to the cause of her injuries which were clearly neither accidental nor self-inflicted". Dr Griffith's fixed him with a hard stare.

"Did you have any knowledge about these injuries before Jade was brought into us?"

"None at all" Beck answered quickly "I hadn't seen her since the morning and, even then, it was only briefly" Dr Griffiths didn't move an inch.

"Did you lose your temper with Ms West when you saw her yesterday morning?"

"What? No! Why would you think I'd have…" Beck trailed off as he realised exactly what they were asking. He sprang to his feet, nearly causing the chair to fall over.

"You think I did this to her? I would never, I could never" he caught his breath, the concept of causing physical harm to Jade making him feel momentarily sick.

"I swear I've never laid a finger on her, I couldn't" Beck's distress was written across his face at the fact that the Doctor even thought he could be responsible.

Dr Griffiths visibly relaxed a bit, her expression softening.

"It's okay Beck, I believe you, but I have to ask these questions you understand". Beck was thrown off by her sudden U-turn in attitude but nodded nonetheless.

"Please, sit back down" He collapsed back into the chair, nearly missing it entirely where it had moved as he'd got up. His heart was still racing.

"Given the lack of communication from her parents, it is pretty clear to us that this is in some way related to them" She looked to Beck for confirmation, but Beck gave nothing away.

"Beck, you're not helping her by keeping it secret, even if she's asked you too".

"There was a lot going on that apparently even I didn't know about" Beck said softly, suddenly finding his shoelaces particularly interesting to look at.

"Well aside from the state you found her in which you already know about, would it surprise you to know that when we cleaned her other head wound, we found fragments of glass?". Beck's eyebrows shot up as he snapped his head up to look at Dr Griffiths.

"Glass?" His voice caught as he grappled with the new information. Dr Griffiths nodded gravely,

"The wound looks like it occurred around 24-36 hours before she was brought in".

Beck felt sick to his stomach.

"I didn't know" he said quietly, Dr Griffiths went to speak but Beck kept on talking "I mean I knew she had a rocky relationship with her parents, but really it was focused on her Dad" He took a breath, knowing he had no choice but to tell Jade's story for her.

"But she hasn't been right for a while now, we'd actually separated a few months ago, but she told me last night after she woke up that her mum had a drug problem". Beck was looking at his shoes again, hating himself for betraying Jade's trust.

"They had an argument and her mother pushed her down the stairs, I don't know about the glass she didn't mention it, but she said it wasn't the first time things had turned violent".

Dr Griffiths sat quietly, letting Beck get it all out.

"Her Dad has always been an absentee parent; she never really spoke about her mum, so I thought they just didn't get on that much. I should have paid more attention".

"There is no guarantee that she would have mentioned it if you asked her, regardless, you cannot change what has happened so I wouldn't waste time beating yourself up over it".

Dr Griffiths was very much a no-nonsense person who saw the world in black and white; if something was in the past you couldn't change it so she firmly believed you should learn from it and move on. Unfortunately for Beck, this was much easier in theory than in practice.

"Jade is still 17 so we are looking at potential CPS involvement if neither of her parents show up in the next hour or so, although almost definitely based on what you've just told me about her mother". Beck nodded numbly, trying to remind himself he'd done the right thing.

"You can go now and sit with her"

"Do I need to tell her?"

"Due the nature of her injuries I'd like to try and avoid too much stress, but she doesn't strike me as someone who is stupid". Dr Griffiths went with a non-answer but did elaborate "Someone from the hospital support services will be paying her a visit in a bit so she will find out either way".

"Okay" Beck got up, retrieving the still warm coffee and heading towards the door. "Err, thanks for looking after her". Dr Griffiths inclined her head in acknowledgement.

* * *

"I brought coffee" Beck hoped it would be a suitable bribe and ice breaker, but it barely seemed to get Jade's attention. Her gaze was fixated on a spot on the back wall, but he got the feeling she wasn't really seeing what she was looking at.

"You changed your clothes? Did I get the right pair of pants?" He drew the chair up to the edge of the bed, sitting down carefully so as to not spill the coffee.

"I tried to get your most comfortable ones, but I was in a rush and your room was, well…" Beck was aware he was rambling and now getting into uncertain territory. Jade had yet to even acknowledge his presence, seemingly caught in her own world.

Beck fell silent, unsure of how to continue while Jade was still staring vacantly at the wall. He took a moment to really take in her appearance, still thrown by the fact he'd never seen her look so vulnerable. Her hair was as unkempt as his own, if not more so, as it hung limply over her shoulders, dark brown waves poorly formed and missing their usual bounce. The blue streaks had been removed by the medical staff; Jade tended to alternate between clip-ins and dyes depending on her mood. Beck had always been strangely fascinated for Jade's hair, which while they were dating Jade had often joked was because they both had such great hair. He'd loved it in every colour it had been, although when she first cut it short and dyed it black, he had missed the length, in particular running his fingers through it. The dark brown was a more recent change, and much more subtle than the jump from light brown to black. Beck, of course, had noticed straight away although he had been loath to admit it at the time. He was also struck by just how pale she was. Jade was naturally incredibly light skinned, but now it looked different as her usual glow was missing. She looked white as a sheet, no colour even in her cheeks. He was almost certain now he looked at her in her own clothes that she had lost weight. Not masses, but enough that her clothes weren't quite sitting right on her frame.

Beck sighed internally, yet again at a loss as to how to start the conversation. He noticed she had her phone out on the side, the indicator light flashing.

"Have you tried calling your Dad from your phone?" Beck couldn't stop himself, thinking even Mr West wouldn't be able to ignore a call from his daughter on top of all the other calls.

"Why are you still here Beck?" her voice was quiet but unwavering.

"What?" Beck was caught off guard, not following her line of questioning.

"Why are you still here?" She repeated plainly.

"Do you not want me here?" Beck fired back, equal parts curious and worried about her answer. Jade pondered Beck's response for a moment, unsure of how she felt, until she realised he'd deflected her question.

"You're not answering the question"

"Neither did you"

"I asked first" It was petty but true.

"Don't be like this, I'm trying to be here for you" Beck frowned "No matter how difficult you make it" he muttered almost as an afterthought. He didn't know why he said it, it certainly wasn't a part of his 'being supportive' plan. It was almost a reflex, as if he hadn't yet moved beyond their bickering back and forth. The same back and forth that had escalated to constant fights and the end of their relationship.

The effect was instantaneous as Jade flinched, almost imperceptibly but enough for Beck to immediately regret saying it. Silence fell again, Beck wanted to apologise but something told him it wouldn't do much good right now.

"You still haven't answered the question" Jade's voice startled Beck, he hadn't expected her to try and continue the conversation. She turned her head to look at him, meeting his eyes, unblinking. Even her eyes were pallid, although still managing to be a striking shade of green. Jade's eyes were something else that always fascinated him. Typically, they were a blue-green colour, but they could sometimes become more one than the other. Usually it was early in the morning or last thing at night he noticed it; Jade had always brushed him off thinking he was losing it when he told her, but Beck was certain of it.

"Why do you think I'm still here?" More deflection.

"Why won't you answer the question?" Two could play at this game.

Beck huffed out a sigh of audible frustration.

"I don't understand why you're asking" his voiced raised slightly "What do you want me to say Jade? Huh?"

"Well the truth would be a good start" Jade dead-panned and Beck deflated, slumping slightly in his seat.

"It's complicated, I guess"

"I'm pretty smart" Jade shot back.

"I just" Beck started before pausing, realising if there ever was a crunch time, this was probably it; he wanted to get this right. He struggled to maintain eye contact, his gaze flitting to and from hers and the floor.

"I know since we broke-up things haven't been good between us" Jade had to hold back a snort at what she decided may just be the understatement of the century.

"But I still care about you, like a lot, and probably more than someone should about their ex" He swallowed.

"I do feel guilty" He felt Jade tense up "But not in a beholden type way" he rushed to clarify "I can't believe I didn't notice the entire time we were together that things weren't right at home"

Jade didn't relax but she didn't move any further away, so Beck continued.

"And I'm mad, I'm furious with you that you never told me that, you never trusted me enough to tell me" He took another breath

"And yet, I'm equally as mad at myself for not being able to be that person for you because you didn't deserve that, I should have been that person". Beck chanced a look at Jade who was still staring at him, her face unreadable. Figuring he was already in about as deep as he could go, Beck had one last thing to say

"I've been worried for a while, I tried to ignore it but I couldn't and then when I found you at your house…" he trailed off, involuntarily seeing images of Jade surrounded by her own blood in his head causing moisture to spring into his eyes. He almost jumped out of his chair when he felt a small hand rest on his shoulder. For Jade, it had been a natural movement, she hadn't even thought about it. He covered it with his own in a heartbeat, holding it tight while he fought to regain his composure.

"I've never been so scared in my life" his voice was hushed as he squeezed Jade's hand. Despite herself, Jade squeezed back.

"So, to answer the question, I'm here because I really care about you Jade, I don't think I ever stopped, and I don't want you to feel like you're alone" he ended firmly, once again looking into Jade's eyes before looking away but without ever letting go of her hand.

Jade was stunned into silence. She didn't really know what she had expected his answer to be, but it was nothing like what Beck had said. It went against everything she had assumed. It was the first time that Jade was realising that maybe Beck hadn't been coping as well as she had thought. She had often gotten angry at how Beck had quickly returned to normal in the weeks following their separation; at the time, it had only compounded the destruction of her confidence as she took it as an indication of how little she had meant to Beck. People always assumed she was the emotionless one in the relationship, well as long as you discounted jealousy, but Beck was equally as disengaged from his feelings. Sure, he was affectionate, but he never really dug deep and Jade had never seen him in this state before.

"Please say something" the words were almost whispered but the plea was palpable.

"I don't know what to say" Jade struggled "I don't even know what-" She broke off, audibly strained. Her mind was running in circles, trying to process everything Beck had said. How was she meant to respond to Beck baring his soul when she couldn't even understand how she was feeling?

Beck's mind was also racing, first at Jade's unresponsiveness and then at the strain in her voice.

'_Good job not making her life more difficult_' the little voice had apparently woken up again.

"Jade I'm sorry, you don't need to say anything" Beck backtracked "You've got more than enough going on right now without me adding to it".

For a moment, it felt like some of the weight on Jade's shoulders had been lifted. The relief was obvious as her body relaxed slightly, allowing some of the tension to bleed out of her posture.

"I'd like to be here for you, if you want me to" Beck spoke cautiously, wanting to give her choice but not put any pressure on her.

"No expectation or anything, we can worry about that later or not at all if you don't want". The words were rushed and clumsy and Beck was inwardly cursing at his seeming inability to convey what he actually meant.

Now it was Jade's turn to get emotional. She almost didn't believe what she was hearing was actually happening. A lump grew in her throat.

"Okay" she whispered

"Okay?" Beck questioned, wanting to be sure there was no miscommunication. Jade nodded.

"Okay" Beck repeated, a small smile breaking out on his face. "In that case" He let go of Jade's hand and rose up from his chair, turning his body towards her. Jade watched him, confused.

He positioned himself all the way up the bed and drew her into a hug, still mindful of the various tubes and dressings. Beck felt an overwhelming need to reassure himself this was all real, that he wasn't going to wake up and find himself back in the hallway with Jade unconscious.

Jade was caught completely off guard but waited only a beat before allowing herself to sink into Beck, bringing her good arm up around his waist to hug back. Beck took this a definitive sign of encouragement and tightened his grip, burying his face in her hair and letting out a shuddering breath.

"Sorry" Beck mumbled into her hair

Jade let her face fall into Beck's shoulder, breathing his familiar smell in deeply and simply allowing herself to be held.

* * *

If Beck could have, he would have stayed like that for the rest of the day. For the first time since this all started, he felt like he was approaching a calm state. Jade was still trying to unpack everything in her mind. The familiarity of Beck's embrace was a comfort, that much she could work out, but there was a strangeness that lingered. It was all overshadowed by an uncertainty and an emptiness that even Beck's comforting arms couldn't seem to overcome. Still, she didn't want to let go.

Unfortunately for both of them, the position was rapidly transition from 'mildly uncomfortable' too 'extremely uncomfortable and one of us may fall soon'. Beck carefully withdrew, avoiding eye contact for a moment as though he was embarrassed by his sudden need for touch. He settled back into the chair, this time positioning it so he was directly engaging with Jade. He cautiously picked up her phone and placed it on her lap.

"You can't ignore it forever".

Jade bit her lip, staring at the phone as though it may bite her if she got too close.

"Do you want me to do it?" Beck offered.

"No, I will".

Jade picked up her phone, tapping in her passcode while being grateful it was her left hand that was out of action, not her right. As her phone flickered to life, she winced at the 20+ notifications that littered her home screen. As she went through them, she realised most were unimportant either updates from the slap, emails and the like. She had 4 messages and 2 missed calls from Cat and a missed call from Andre which confused her slightly but, nothing from her father or her mother.

She opened up the chat from Cat, scanning the messages of which, three were rambling Cat-style messages but, the fourth was more to the point asking why Jade wasn't answering and if she'd done something wrong. Jade felt a twinge of guilt, flicking quickly to Cat's slap page she realised that at least half of her slap notifications were Cat tagging her in things and putting up statuses asking if anyone had seen her. Jade felt the sinking return to her stomach. Did it look too suspicious to everyone as to why she wasn't answering Cat? Jade desperately wanted to keep this on a low profile, with one of the few reprieves being that it was now the weekend so no one would notice the absence from school.

"Everything okay?" Becks voice was soft and a little bit hesitant.

"Cat's been trying to get in touch" Jade worried her lip between her teeth, unsure of what to do.

"Are you going to message her back"

"I don't know"

"Maybe circle back to it, you don't have to do anything right this minute".

Jade seemed to accept that and resumed scrolling through her phone. Dispensing with the rest of the notifications, she pulled up her contacts and her finger hovered over her father's office number.

"Would you like me to do it?" Beck offered again.

Jade shook her head furiously, brow creasing as yet again she was reminded why sudden moves involving her head were a bad idea. Without giving herself any more time to change her mind, she jabbed the call button and raised the phone to her ear.

The electronic ringing tone seemed to last for an eternity, mocking Jade by making the wait as tortuous as possible.

"Gage Whitney Pace, Johnathan West's office" Jade screwed up her eyes as the unfamiliar voice of a secretary reeled off the greeting, wondering how she could have ever forgotten the name.

"Hi, is Mr West available?"

"Who's calling?" Jade winced, although she knew this part was inevitable.

"It's Jade, his daughter"

"His daughter? I wasn't aware-" The woman at the other end of the phone stopped herself but the implication of her words hung thick between them.

"Yes, I need to speak to him" Jade said curtly "Please" she added as an afterthought. It wasn't until Beck place a hand on her arm that she realised she was gripping the phone so tightly she was shaking.

"I'm afraid he's unavailable right now, he's flying back from New York but if you leave your number then I'll have him call you"

"He has it." Jade didn't even attempt to curb her attitude this time and there was a pregnant pause at the other end of the phone.

"Okay well I will have him call you when he gets in". Jade couldn't stop herself from ending the call then and there. Emotions assaulted her thick and fast. Humiliation, disappointment and sadness to name but a few. Beck watched her worriedly as she clenched her phone tightly.

"Who did you get through to?"

"His secretary, apparently he's flying back from New York"

"Well at least that explains why he hasn't answered the phone" Beck tried to sound optimistic, but they both knew the flight time was only 5 hours, far shorter than the time Jade had been in hospital for.

"So, now we can wait" he offered a reassuring smile, but Jade didn't return it. In fact, she had reverted to that state where she was staring but not really seeing.

"Jade? What happened?"

"Why do you think somethings' happened?" Jade asked quietly

"Because I know you"

"Obviously you don't" the words were bitter and probably uncalled for, but Jade didn't care, not right now. She was hurting and she wanted someone else to hurt too, fed-up of being the universe's punching bag. Beck wanted to retort but swallowed it, recognising the attempt at deflection.

"Jade?" he tried again, content to just wait until she was ready to talk.

"She didn't know he even had a daughter".

The silence was deafening.

"Jade"

"I don't even know why I'm surprised" Jade interrupted, but the heat was missing behind her words.

"I mean, he was never going to win an award for his parenting skills but" She trailed off, and Beck swore he felt his heart breaking for her. He watched as she started to shut down, absorbing all the hurt and shoving it as far down inside her as she could, so it wouldn't hurt her anymore. Except, as Beck was now beginning to see, it didn't stop her hurting at all, it just managed to allow her to function day to day.

"Jade it's okay to feel upset by this, he is your Dad" Beck desperately wanted Jade to understand that her feelings were valid, to stop her from burying them and to stop the inevitable self-hate that he now understood came only to easily to her.

"It shouldn't hurt but it does" Her tone was emotionless, but her eyes were telling another story. Beck went to rest his hand on her arm, but Jade shook him off.

"Stop pitying me" the words were short and bitter. Jade knew she was being unfair, but she'd always been envious of Beck's parents. They always wanted the best for their son, they really loved him as parents should love their child. She knew there had been rough patches between them, which included his relationship with her, but they always came through and stuck together. Jade had never known anything like that. Her house had been filled with fighting and bitterness for as long as she could remember, until it became empty and cold with the divorce. Hell, her own father hadn't noticed that she'd stopped visiting and now had a secretary who didn't even know she existed.

Beck sat silently, completely out of his depth. He badly wanted to say something that would make it all okay, but he knew there were no words to fix this. He gently removed Jade's phone from her still tight grasp and set it down on the table, taking her hand in his again; all without saying a word. He waited with bated breath to see if Jade would shake him off again, but she didn't. In a small corner of his mind, Beck saw that as progress, especially when he realised that she was, albeit loosely, holding his hand back.

* * *

Emma sighed as her pager went off for what seemed like the hundredth time that shift. Silencing it, she recognised the number for the front desk and set off down the corridor quietly hoping this was something important this time and not another admin error. However, her question was soon answered as she saw two uniformed police officers standing at the desk.

"Everything okay here?" She breezed, having realised that their presence was causing a lot of stress for the receptionists.

"My name is Lieutenant Harper, and this is Officer Hayes" The taller of the two greeted "We're here about a patient we believe came into your facility late last night, a Ms Jade West"

"Ms West is one of our patients, can I ask what this is about as she's currently recovering from a traumatic head injury?"

"We've got some bad news" The Lieutenant removed his hat "Her mother, a Mrs Amanda West, was found dead in her car just off of interstate 5 by Northridge precinct". Emma's stomach plummeted and her hand rose to her mouth.

"She was pronounced dead at the scene and taken to Northridge Medical Centre, Ms West's wallet was in the car with her. She was listed as a dependent and flagged for her admission to hospital yesterday afternoon".

"That would explain why we couldn't raise her mother on the phone, was there anyone in the car with her?" Emma's calm mask of professionalism had slipped into place.

"Not as far as we are aware"

"And the other car?"

"There was no other car" Office Hayes clarified "Mrs West was found with a collection of drug paraphernalia and initial assessment suggests she died from an overdose".

Emma blinked as Jade's odd behaviour suddenly slotted into place. She bowed her head for a moment, allowing herself a moment just to gather her thoughts in what was rapidly turning into a tragedy. She wasn't usually this affected by patients' stories but this one just seemed to go from bad to worse.

"In that case her father is still unaccounted for"

"Are you talking about Jade West?" A voice from behind startled the three as Dr Griffiths walked up.

"Yes, and it's not good news" Emma filled her in briefly, watching as Dr Griffiths professional exterior never once faltered.

"Right, her boyfriend informed me her parents are separated so her father may still be in-touch yet"

"We still need to relay the news to Ms West, unless you believe it will cause her further harm?".

For a split second, Emma prayed that there was a good reason to keep the news from Jade, just for a little longer so her whole world didn't continue to crash down around her but, she knew it was wrong.

"The injury wasn't directly to her brain so she can be told, although we do advocate for minimal stress to aid recovery this isn't something that should be kept from her" Dr Griffiths was already one step ahead. The police officers nodded.

"I'll take you to her room" Dr Griffiths led the policeman off down the corridor as Emma hung back.

"Awful business" the receptionist chimed in "That poor girl".

"Yes, awful" Emma agreed absentmindedly as she watched their retreating figures.

* * *

**Well here it is, I originally intended to have Jade find out in this chapter too but then her and Beck decided to have a long heart to heart instead. So this is the result of two days annual leave stuck inside. No idea if any of you watch The West Wing, but there are two hidden references to the show in this chapter as when I wasn't writing I watching The West Wing. The next chapter is already underway as when this one hit 6000 words I decided to split it in two... **

**I'm really glad people are enjoying this - makes me feel all gooey inside! I read every single review so please carry on leaving them if you want to. With all the 'social distancing' going on, writing is a nice escape :) Hope you're all keeping healthy. **


	12. Chapter 12

Beck knew the moment he saw the two police officers standing behind Dr Griffiths that something terrible had happened. He turned to Jade, who had dozed off not five minutes before and, for a moment, he didn't want to wake her; he didn't want any more bad news to shatter her already fragile peace.

"Jade wake up" he said softly, squeezing her hand as the three adults shuffled into the room.

Jade's eyes flickered open, focusing first on Beck and then on the newcomers.

"What's going on?" Her voice was groggy but the surprise of seeing uniformed officers had shocked her into alertness.

"Ms West I'm afraid I've got some bad news" Jade's hand clenched Becks as her whole body tensed.

"Your mother, Amanda West, was found dead this morning".

Jade blinked, looking at the officer who'd just spoken, her face blank.

"She was found in her car, but we suspect the cause of death was a drug overdose".

In his 15-year tenure at the police department, Lieutenant Harper had administered more death notifications than he would have ever liked. He could pretty much remember each one, it wasn't the sort of thing that he could easily forget, but some he remembered more than others. However, telling the young girl in-front of him that her mother had died was unlike any other death notice he had delivered. He'd had people collapse in front of him, had people who'd passed out at receiving the news, people shrieking, people looking away while shaking with silent tears, but Jade West had absolutely no reaction. The boy next to her was visibly shocked at the news, indeed he honestly looked distraught as he turned to her and put both his hands around hers, but Jade didn't move. She didn't break eye contact with Lieutenant Harper either.

"Jade, do you understand what Lieutenant Harper has told you?" Dr Griffiths now spoke-up, eyes full of pity and concern.

Jade nodded in response, her gaze not shifting. The Lieutenant was thrown, unsure how to proceed with the absence of a reaction. He was convinced it had to be a shock reaction and he continued, deciding it best to get everything over with in one go.

"Your wallet was found in the car with her" He produced the wallet from his pocket, sitting in a sealed polyethene bag, and held it up for Jade to see. She didn't react at all, bar looking curiously at the wallet. Office Hayes took the bag and walked it over to Jade, putting it on the bed next to her.

"You can have it back but, do you know why your mother had it in her car?" Jade didn't even blink, dropping her gaze to the wallet but making no move to pick it up herself. The two officers shared a look with each other, the kind of look that says what cannot be said out loud; something wasn't right about the situation.

Jade sat, now staring down at her wallet. Lieutenant Harper's words replayed in her head, but Jade didn't think she was quite grasping them. Except she was. She knew her mother was dead, she understood what that meant but she felt nothing. Inside her head was a deadly calm, no racing thoughts or disbelief, no pit of dread in her stomach; not even shock or guilt of any sort. It was like someone had flicked a switch inside her and turned all her emotions off. She was aware the entire room was watching her; she was intensely aware of Beck stroking her hand, but she didn't want to look at any of them. She was sure the effort to lift her head back up would be too great anyway. She didn't want to talk to any of them, feeling like she was a zoo animal on display as they awaited some reaction from her.

"They all know now" was her only thought "I really am as cold-hearted as everyone says". Even the thought lacked the emotion, the bitterness with which she usually regarded other people's opinions of her. For Jade was certain in that moment that there really was something wrong with her. She'd been told her mother had died and yet she had no reaction, no emotions to speak of. Unlike earlier in the day when she'd been wrestling with dread and numbness, now it was emptiness and indifference. Jade was realising she'd become the monster she'd always feared, the person who she was convinced her father was on the inside. She vaguely registered that the police officers were talking again but she blocked it out, not wanting to be engaged unless they questioned her and her lack of reaction. It felt like invisible walls had begun to close in around her, suffocating her but she couldn't make a sound. She didn't want to make a sound.

"We do have a few questions, but they can wait for now" Officer Hayes was explaining, looking away from Jade to address Dr Griffiths. "Has her father been contacted?"

"Yes, but we have yet to hear back from him"

"Jade called his office a while ago, they said he was on a flight" Beck interjected, not taking his eyes of Jade. "They'll have him call when he lands".

Dr Griffiths nodded, taking this as a positive sign for the young girl.

"In that case, I'd ask you leave for now and come back when her father has made contact, as she is still technically a minor" She directed to Lieutenant Harper who nodded in agreement, motioning to his colleague that it was time to leave. With their departure, Dr Griffiths approached the bed.

"Jade, I know this must be difficult for you but there are grief services available in the hospital should you decide you need them" Beck frowned but it went unnoticed.

"Try and get some rest" and with that Dr Griffiths also left, deciding the young girl would probably benefit from some space to try and absorb what had just happened.

Beck was fuming. At the back of his mind he recognised this was probably more a reaction to the situation rather than a rational response to what Dr Griffiths had just said to Jade.

'But seriously' he thought angrily '_I know this must be difficult for you_ – who even says that to someone who's seriously injured and just found out their mum is dead'.

Jade still hadn't moved an inch, head down looking at the wallet the police had left behind. It was unmistakably Jade's; he would have recognised it anywhere for the tiny silver studs and black lace trim. He'd been there the day she bought it for herself at a small thrift store tucked away in a back alley of Los Feliz. It had not escaped Beck's notice that it was odd the wallet had been in her mother's car. Of course, Jade hadn't answered the officer's question either but to Beck that made sense. He didn't understand why they would think she would be able to answer their questions just seconds after being told her mother was dead. He watched her carefully, hoping for any slight movement that might give him some indication of what she was feeling. Her initial reaction hadn't worried him as such, he knew it had concerned the adults in the room as they had all been exchanging glances and knowing looks which Beck had also found incredibly insensitive. Jade was processing life changing news; she hadn't suddenly disappeared from the room. Now though, Beck felt the anxiousness creeping rapidly back in the longer Jade sat, unmoving.

"Jade?" he said tentatively "Is there anything I can do?".

Jade didn't even flinch, for a moment Beck wasn't even sure she had heard him. Despite having been holding her hand for a good while now, Beck noticed it was cold. He gently ran his hand up her arm, stroking lightly as he realised her whole arm was cold to the touch.

"Jade you're freezing" he said softly, getting up from the chair to lift the blanket from the bottom of the bed up to cover the thin top sheet. He had hoped it would get her to move, if only an inch as he arranged the blanket, but she didn't. As he moved the blanket, he picked up the bag containing her wallet and moved it to the table, again he expected Jade's eyes to move with it but he was left disappointed. He settled the blanket, so it covered as much of her as possible, positioning himself so he sat on the side of her bed.

"Jade please say something" Beck pleaded, desperate for some sign that she was still in there somewhere.

Jade sat motionless, her head remaining tilted downwards, now staring at the space on the blanket where the wallet had previously lain.

As such, Beck nearly jumped of the bed entirely when his phone began to buzz in his back pocket. Casting a glance at the still unresponsive Jade he yanked his phone out frustratedly as his heart continued to race at the interruption.

_Incoming Call: Cat Valentine_

His brow furrowed, unsure for a moment as to why Cat would be calling him on a Saturday, until he remembered the messages that she'd sent to Jade that were still unanswered. Making a split-second decision, he tapped the green icon and allowed the call to connect.

"Beck?"

"Hey Cat"

"Hi!" Beck winced as her signature greeting burst through his phone's speaker. He looked at Jade again, becoming increasingly concerned as there was still no reaction.

"What's up Cat?" he asked, not unkindly.

"Have you spoken to Jadey?" Cat's voice was her usual high pitch but there was an underlying hint of concern. "

I've sent her a bunch of messages, but she hasn't replied, and it even shows her as inactive since like yesterday, which is really weird 'cause she loves stalking people on the slap and looking at those creepy videos" Cat's ramble petered off and Beck sighed internally, realising that he couldn't keep this to himself. It was saying something if Cat, who seemed to have her head in the cloud around 80% of the time, had noticed something was amiss with Jade; meaning it wouldn't be long before the rest of the gang started asking questions.

Beck got off the bed and walked over to the door, careful to keep his eyes on Jade at all times.

"I'm with Jade at the moment Cat" There was a slight pause on the other end of the phone.

"Can you ask her what I did wrong? 'Cause if it's because of what my brother said last time she was at my house he really didn't mean it" Cat said forlornly

"It's a bit complicated Cat" Beck took a breath "Jade has just had some really bad news and she's not up to talking to anyone right now".

"What kinda bad news?"

"Really bad".

Beck didn't want to explain any further, unsure what Jade would want and only too aware he was still in the same room as her, even if she was unresponsive.

"Why are you there? Ooh did you and Jadey get back together?" Beck had to pull the phone away from his ear as Cat squeaked.

"No, we're not back together Cat, Jade had" he paused, unsure of the best way to explain the events of the past 24 hours.

"Jade had an accident, and I've been in the hospital with her". The effect was instantaneous as he heard a sharp intake of air on the other end of the phone.

"She's doing better now" he said quickly, wanting to reassure the red head somewhat "But she doesn't want to talk to anyone".

"Jadey's in the hospital?" Cat's voice had dropped about half a tone, it was a great deal quieter too.

"Yes Cat" Beck confirmed gently "But she'd appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone"

"Jadey's in the hospital" Cat repeated "My brother goes into hospital all the time; he hates it and he screams every time, I think they hurt him in there".

Cat's voice was full of tears and Beck started to panic slightly. He knew Cat's family was complicated and an unintended consequence was her childlikeness which she used to escape from her day-to-day life.

"Jade is safe Cat, she's being really well looked after I promise" Beck tried to reassure her "And I'm here with her, I won't let anything happen to her, you know that".

"Did her mother do something bad?" Cat asked quite plainly but Beck could have sworn his heart skipped a beat.

"What did you say?" Cat paused, potentially realising she'd said too much.

"Cat, why did you ask about her mother?" Beck prompted; vaguely aware his palms had started sweating.

"I can't tell you, Jade made me pinkie promise I wouldn't tell anyone"

"Cat you have to tell me" Beck felt bad pressuring her, but he needed to know

"But you can't break a pinkie promise"

Beck felt a surge of irritation at Cat's response, frustrated that her childishness was seemingly stopping her from understanding the gravity of the situation at hand.

'_And the fact that you don't want to believe Jade told someone before you' _Apparently the snide voice at the back of Beck's head had taken up permanent residence there. Shaking it off, he pressed Cat further.

"Cat, this is a thing where pinkie promises don't count, this is serious"

"Pinkie promises are serious" Cat sounded indignant and Beck clenched his fist, willing himself to remain calm.

"Cat, please, Jade's not very well and what you know could help her" Beck cringed as he stretched the truth slightly. Sure, more information was helpful, but they already had the basics covered and he couldn't tell how much of this was from his desire to know more about what he had missed.

"Cat?"

"Well, a few months ago Jade called me really late and said she was going to come sleep at mine" Cat paused. Beck waited, holding his breath hoping she didn't lose her nerve.

"I thought it was odd because she doesn't like staying at mine when my brother's home because she says he's a freak, but she said she was coming anyway, and I was really happy" Cat paused again as if gathering herself.

"But right before she hung up, I heard her mum screaming at her, like really screaming and there was a loud banging but then she hung up" Cat trailed off, and Beck felt another pang of guilt at making the seemingly innocent girl relieve this.

"Did she still come stay that night"

"Uh-huh"

"Cat? Come on, what happened?"

"I saw her getting changed for bed and she had this big bruise on her shoulder, she saw me looking and told me I could never tell anyone. She said it wasn't a big deal as she'd fallen out of bed in the morning but I think her mum did something bad" Cat rushed through the rest of the story and Beck pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to stave off the overwhelming resurgence of guilt. He looked at Jade again who still had yet to move, unsure of whether she was aware of what was going on around her.

"Thanks for telling me Cat"

"Jadey is gonna be mad at me"

"She won't" Beck assured her, although he really had no idea "I'll make sure of it".

"Can I come see her?" Realistically, Beck knew that had been coming since the moment he'd picked up the phone, but he was unsure of the answer. On the one hand, Beck knew Jade hated people knowing her personal business and there was nothing more personal than this. Equally, Cat was Jade's best friend from years before he'd even met her and, despite Cat's outward appearance of immaturity, he wondered if support from someone other than himself would be easier to accept. Invariably they wouldn't be able to keep it from the rest of the world indefinitely, so Cat seemed like as good of a place as any to start. Then again, as Beck looked at Jade's almost catatonic state, whether she was up for visitors was also up for debate.

"I'm not sure Cat, Jade's not in a great place"

"I'll be really good" she promised "I've been in loads of hospitals and I'll bring Mr Long Neck as he always makes me feel better".

Despite himself, Beck smiled as Cat's young attitude provided a small breath of fresh air.

"Alright" he found himself agreeing "You probably won't be able to stay long though" he warned.

"See you soon!" Cat's voice had perked up a bit and, for a moment, Beck questioned the wisdom of his decision. He ended the call after telling Cat the hospital name and to call when she was outside, figuring Cat bursting into the room unannounced and bouncy wasn't what Jade needed right now.

He focused his eyes back on Jade's still form, rubbing his neck agitatedly as he realised, she still had yet to move.

"Jade? That was Cat, I hope you don't mind but she wants to come and see you" Still nothing.

"Jade?" He said softly approaching the bed and sitting as far up as he could, taking her hand in his once again.

"Come on, talk to me". He noticed her blinking a few times, without thinking he reached his arm out and gently cupped the side of her face, running his thumb over her cheek. She still felt cold to him and didn't even flinch as he made contact. He carefully tilted her head up to meet her eyes. His insides clenched as he saw the blank expression behind them, tinged with what could only be described as despair. They'd started to fade into their blue-green shade, devoid of the vibrancy they'd had when she had woken up that morning.

"Jade, I'm so sorry this has happened. I wish I could do something to make it all better" Beck almost whispered, afraid if he spoke too loudly, he would spook her further. She'd retreated inside herself, shut down from the outside world and he was scared she wouldn't be able to shake it. They sat like that for a few minutes, Beck stroking her cheek soothingly trying to maintain eye contact as she stared vacantly ahead, desperate for some indication that she was still in there somewhere.

* * *

Jade felt cold. Feeling cold wasn't unusual for Jade, she usually joked to Beck that it was to match her cold, dark soul. What was alarming Jade was that she couldn't feel anything else. There was no emotion, nothing tactile, not even the bright lights shining out of the hospital ceiling. Her chest felt tight, not so tight that she couldn't breathe but tight enough to be exerting pressure on her lungs. She thought about whether she needed to tell the Doctor. Was the Doctor even still here? Jade didn't know, and she seemed to have temporarily lost the ability to hear, or even to move. A sliver of panic ran through her, and for a second Jade almost rejoiced in the presence of a feeling. Almost.

The policeman's words replayed in her head, distorted, like they were on a loop on a poor-quality radio. Her mother was dead. Was that right? Her mother had over-dosed and it had killed her, or did she kill herself. Jade idly wondered if that was a distinction that should be made. Did she kill herself or did the addiction kill her?

Jade tried to open her mouth, thinking the question should be asked, but her mouth didn't seem to want to obey her brain. She tried to listen to the room, wanting to know what was going on but it was like something had covered her ears, muffling them to ambient noise. She strained to focus on a small noise she could hear, but it made no sense. If she held her breath, she could hear what sounded like waves crashing against rocks. The sound was familiar, but she couldn't place it; for some reason it provoked a very specific reaction in her, despite the sound being quite generic. A wave of confusion pushed through as she remembered she was in a hospital room and nowhere near the sea. At least, she thought she was.

She wasn't sure how, but she was certain something had just changed around her; wherever she was. She suddenly felt overcome with tiredness, completely draining as though she had been up for hours.

'I haven't been up for ages' she thought 'only a few hours since I woke-up in that room'. With that it all came flooding back again and hit her with the force of a Tsunami; the fall, her injuries and her mother's death. How had she momentarily forgotten everything? Nothing made any sense. Jade mused as to whether she was going mad.

'There it is' she thought suddenly. The sense that things were changing had happened again. She fought for awareness, eager to understand what was going on. Jade had always hated being on the back foot, hated things she didn't understand, and her current situation was infuriating. Or was it? She wasn't sure but it seemed to her like it should be infuriating to her. That was the same thing, right?

She suddenly felt warmth on her cheek. It was like a gentle heat was radiating out from a single spot, not enough to warm her but enough to provide a small sense of comfort. For a second, Jade longed to lean into the warmth, to let it grow and envelope her, but then she remembered she couldn't move. She took a deep breath, feeling her chest squeeze uncomfortably, and focused solely on the warmth.

* * *

It happened slowly, and if Beck hadn't been paying such close attention, he would probably have missed it. A small twitch of her mouth as she swallowed. He couldn't quite describe it, but it seemed from that small movement like she was suddenly more aware.

"Jade?" She blinked and looked up at Beck, her eyes still empty but seemingly more focused.

"Jade do you need me to get the nurse?" Beck wondered realising that after the news about her mother, he'd forgotten that she was still in an extremely fragile state physically.

Jade opened her mouth to respond but only a small croak came out, her mouth and throat dry from lack of use. Without thinking Beck picked up the now lukewarm coffee from the side and offered it to her.

She winced as the usually hot beverage hit her taste buds, Jade was no lover of cold coffee unless it was served over ice. Beck, who was almost beside himself at Jade finally responding to him, panicked thinking swallowing was hurting her.

"Shit Jade I'm sorry, did you need the straw? Or maybe it was too soon for coffee? There's water in the jug, do you want some of that? And a straw?" He was halfway out of his seat before he felt a small tug on his hand.

"Was cold" Jade croaked, watching him as if he'd grown a second head.

"Oh" Beck said quietly, fighting the rising redness as he realised, he'd completely over-reacted. Jade continued to watch him but didn't say anything further.

"Do you remember everything that happened?" Beck prodded tentatively, still unsure as to whether Jade had been mentally present for the last hour. "Like, with the police and everything?"

Jade nodded slowly, releasing Beck's hand and resting hers back on the polystyrene coffee cup which she'd wedged into the bed covers to prevent it spilling. She fiddled with the top, picking at the lip until it started to come away in her fingers.

"Do you-" Beck paused "Do you want to talk about it". It was feeble, he knew, and only served to compound his overall feeling of uselessness. Jade shook her head again, this time it was more decisive. Beck knew she was shutting him out but for the first time it didn't make him mad. He couldn't even begin to understand what she was going through.

"It's okay you know" He said quietly

"Whatever you're feeling, I'm sure this has to be really conflicting for you and difficult to process" He suspected her silence was that she didn't know how to feel about the death of her mother who was the same person who had thrown her down a flight of stairs and left her to bleed out.

What he didn't know was the Jade had yet to feel anything other than numbness when she thought of the whole situation. Jade was carefully going over events in her head, all of a sudden clocking her wallet on the side and remembering the police handing it over to her.

"My wallet?" she addressed Beck who quickly scooped it up, opening the bag and holding it out to her.

"Can you check it?" Beck was momentarily puzzled but gave the wallet the once over, nonetheless.

"Looks good to me – all in-tact" A strange look flitted across Jade's face but it was gone almost as quickly as it appeared.

"The inside" She clarified

"Oh" Once again, Beck felt slightly embarrassed having been too wrapped up in excitement at her being responsive to understand what she meant. He unfolded the wallet carefully, glancing at Jade's usual assortment of cards. All seemed present, except her bank card was upside down for some reason. With a growing feeling of dread in his stomach, he hesitantly pulled open the notes section praying his intuition was wrong. Unfortunately, his prayers were not answered as an empty pocket stared back at him.

"Did you have cash in here?" He met Jade's eyes and saw the pain filling them once again. He needed no answer.

It didn't take a genius to understand what had happened. Her mother had pushed her down a flight of stairs, she must have been around long enough to see the blood and her daughter unconscious and instead of phoning for help she'd emptied the bag and stolen a wallet so she could get her next fix.

Beck had been angry before; he had been fuming but never had he felt a rage like the one that he felt now. It was hot and uncontrollable, burning straight through him with a voracity he didn't expect. For a split-second he was glad she was dead. He felt the tug of guilt immediately after he thought it, but he shook it off as the anger burned. How could a mother do that to her daughter?

On the other hand, Jade sat quietly. She had a feeling she'd known before Beck even started looking in the wallet what he would find, or rather, what he wouldn't find. Again, she remained strangely calm the initial pain fading back as she added this latest information to the pile of 'stuff' that had been accumulating at the back of her mind. Beck looked angry, angrier than she could ever remember seeing him although anger wasn't something Beck did often. Frustration and irritation yes, but not anger. Jade thought she should be angry, she thought she should feel pain and betrayal but for some reason all she could feel was tiredness.

"Jade I'm so sorry" the words felt woefully inadequate, but he didn't know what else he could say at this point. To his surprise, Jade actually replied.

"Why? It's not your fault"

"I know but you don't deserve this".

Jade shrugged.

"Jade, you don't deserve this" Beck suddenly became firm, baffled as to why Jade could even indicate this was something she deserved. He put a hand on her shoulder and squeezed, desperately wanting to know if she believed him.

"Your mum was seriously fucked up but that's no excuse, you are the victim here".

Jade flinched, she hated the word victim and hated the thought of being one even more. All of a sudden, she wanted Beck to stop talking. She moved to take his hand off her shoulder and place it on the bed beside her.

"Jade" Beck tried one last time.

"Just don't" she replied quietly "Not right now".

Beck bit his tongue, fighting against his instinct to keep going, reminding himself Jade didn't need him adding anymore stress to her right now. He settled back down into the chair but kept his hand where she'd left it, quietly hoping she'd pick it up and hold it if only for comfort.

* * *

**Okay, so this one took longer to get together than I'd hoped. Still not entirely sure I'm happy with all of it but it now carries the story forward nicely. I had such a lovely response to the last chapter so thank you to everyone who reviewed, it really made my day waking up to all those comments; please carry on if you want to :) I know a lot of people were wondering when Cat was going to make an appearance, so here she it!**

**I hope you're all ****surviving the current state of affairs and staying safe! **


	13. Chapter 13

Jade laid alone in the room; Beck had stepped out for a moment mumbling something about Cat. The sun was sitting high in the sky but no longer bleeding directly into the room for which Jade was grateful. Despite people's pre-conceived notions about her dark character, she didn't really mind the sun but at the moment the brightness made her head ache. She twitched as her skin itched at the site of the IV placement, she tried to resist the urge to scratch and settled for rubbing the area roughly. She idly wondered how much longer she would have to put up with it, she wanted to know when she could go home; a few days seemed far too long. Her heart panged as she thought of home as she remembered she didn't really have a home now. While living with her mother had been no picnic, her room was her sanctuary, admittedly more so in the recent months when she'd stopped inhabiting Beck's RV.

Thoughts of her mother suddenly came thick and fast, the emptiness returning in a blink and spreading throughout her body. She felt a sharp pain in her arm which, upon looking down, she realised she'd inadvertently been digging her nails again. Her mother's death didn't yet seem real to her. On a practical level she understood but it was too big for her to really grasp; what was scaring Jade further was that she understood this. She knew she was struggling to process it but couldn't seem to do anything about it. Her brain still felt foggy and would lurch from thought to thought with little to no logical progression. Every time she tried to think it was like her brain would shut down. She didn't understand what she was supposed to feel but at the same time didn't understand why she wasn't feeling anything.

She cast a glance at the door, waiting for Beck to return, potentially with Cat. She hadn't quite managed to follow his last conversation with her or what he'd mumbled when his phone rang right before he left the room. She supposed she should be mad at him for telling Cat, but the overwhelming tiredness seemed to be stopping her. On some level, she knew if there had to be someone else who knew what was going on then she was most comfortable with it being Cat. They'd been friends for years, meeting only shortly before Jade's parents divorced and in the midst of Cat's brother being sectioned for the first time. They were both different back then, not completely different as Cat had been quite juvenile for her age and Jade had already developed her tough exterior, but they'd been through a lot together. Jade never said much about what was going on, but they had an unspoken understanding between them.

Jade shut her eyes for a moment, willing the pain in her head to go away. It was an odd headache; unlike any she'd had before as the pain seemed to come in waves. It was a constant pain but would flare-up and down like tides on a beach.

'Odd imagery' she thought, only mildly interested as she accepted her brain was probably only a few cells away from losing it completely. Nothing made much sense to her anymore.

"JADEY" the shout of her red-headed friend made her wince, eyes still tight shut.

"Cat" Beck admonished "Remember what we talked about?"

Guild flooded Cat's face as she clapped her hands to her mouth.

"Hi" She whispered as she approached Jade's bed, drawing out the 'i' until it was almost a squeak. She struggled for a moment as she took in the various dressings and the IV, suddenly apprehensive about approaching Jade any further.

"Hey Cat" Jade's words were short, and she kept her eyes shut, not wishing to make the pain in her head any worse. She was also rapidly discovering that there was also safety in the darkness; she couldn't see the pain on Beck's face, the worry that she was sure was painted on Cat's face or the expression of any other spectator who ended up at her bedside.

"How are you feeling?"

There was that question again. Jade wanted to scream. She didn't know how she was feeling, why couldn't everyone just leave her alone?

Beck watched Jade, his initial happiness at her responding to Cat's greeting so rapidly abating as she kept her eyes shut. As Cat asked her how she was feeling, he picked up her hand again, unable to help himself.

"Jade are you in pain?" He asked quietly, not wanting to upset Cat if he could avoid it, but there was no hiding anything in such close quarters.

"A little"

"Have you pressed the button?". Jade's silence told him all he needed to know. He picked it up and placed it in Jade's hand and then curled his hand around hers. He didn't want to push it for her, as that seemed like crossing a line, but he really wanted her to do it. He knew Jade, knew her well enough to know that she would likely just leave herself to suffer as some form of punishment. He didn't even think she knew she did it, but he'd seen it a few times in their relationship. Once or twice after a fight there would be little indents in her arm which he had assumed were from her nails digging in. He'd also known her to not take any symptom-relieving medication when she got sick or when her period came to visit. It wasn't every time, but it was sometimes she just seemed to be lax in self-care some days. She always said she couldn't be bothered and that it never did much any way, but Beck was beginning to wonder if it wasn't part of a bigger picture. He'd never thought it was self-harm but more self-neglect.

Beck breathed an internal sigh of relief when he felt Jade's thumb push down on the button. He glanced up at Cat, who had now positioned herself on Jade's other side. Cat was scrutinising the dressing on Jade's head, her face tight and eyes shining with unshed tears. Her favourite purple giraffe was stuffed under her arm.

"I bought you Mr Long Neck" Cat's voice was quiet, amplified only by the quietness of the room itself. She carefully took him out from under her arm and moved to tuck him into the blanket on top of Jade's chest. Jade's eyes slowly opened, purple fluff now tickling her neck from the giraffe's head. She detached her hand from Beck's, intending to move the fluff to a less irritating position but her hand got stuck on the way up as it grasped the soft body of the purple giraffe. Jade felt a lump form in her throat as her fingers made contact with the soft material; it was almost too soft, too comforting for her to bare. Cat watched quiet but not scrutinising, she met Jade's eyes and a silent understanding passed between them.

"So yesterday at school, you know I worked for ages on that project about unicorns for biology? That thing about ovulation" Cat piped up, her voice returning to more or less its usual sunny tone.

"Evolution" Beck prompted, smiling despite himself. Cat's eyes lit up with recognition.

"Yeah that!" She flicked her hair over one shoulder "Well Mr Agard said that it was all wrong. He said that unicorns didn't exist but even if they did, they didn't evolve from dinosaurs"

Cat wiggled herself onto the small space between Jade and the edge of the bed.

"So, I asked him to explain Rhinoceros-ses, because they're just non-magical unicorns but then he started to get all red faced and that vein in his neck was sticking right out, and then Rex"

* * *

Beck quietly backed out the room, feeling a sense of proper relief for the first time he could really remember. He glanced through the little glass window, feeling as though he was almost intruding on a private moment between friends. Cat was merrily chatting away and Jade was listening, well at least half listening. However, her eyes were open and flicking between watching Cat and staring at the far wall. Her fingers hadn't stopped stroking the fur of Mr Long Neck since Cat had placed the stuffed giraffe under her blanket.

Gathering himself, Beck remembered he had come out to find a spare chair so both he and Cat could sit. Walking towards the reception desk, he quickly checked his phone which had been put back on silent.

_1 Missed Call: Andre Harris_

_2 Unread Messages: Andre Harris, Tori Vega_

Beck frowned. As much as he wanted to believe it was a coincidence, he couldn't help but think that maybe Andre and Tori knew something was up. Sighing, he idly wondered how long he would be able to keep them off the scent. Having Cat know was one thing, but Andre and Tori was something else entirely. Jade made no attempt to hide the fact she didn't like Tori, although over the past 2 years Beck liked to think it had improved somewhat since Tori's disastrous arrival at the school. As for Andre, well he was Beck's best friend really but, he wasn't that close to Jade. In fact, sometimes Andre could act really weirdly around Jade, which Beck had always put down to him being slightly scared of the girl. He knew if he told Andre even a little bit of information, he wouldn't be able to keep it from Tori; Andre was useless at keeping secrets. Deciding to wait just a little longer, Beck returned his phone to his pocket and looked up to talk to the nurse, stopping short as he saw the tall, dark haired man standing in front of the desk.

Beck had only met Johnathan West once, right after he and Jade had started dating. His work office was having a Christmas party and Mr West had made a point of inviting Jade. Jade hadn't wanted to go and had used Beck as an excuse, claiming she wouldn't go without him. In actual fact it was a ploy on Jade's part, given how new hers and Beck's relationship had been at the time, she didn't expect him to go with her. No, she had made the demand as a means to get her Dad to uninvite her for being too difficult, which Beck had only figured out later. They'd ended up going to the party, which was every bit as dull and excruciating as Jade had imagined it would be. It quickly became obvious that the only reason Mr West had been insistent on inviting Jade was that his new boss was big on family, as almost everyone had brought their children. Beck reckoned Jade spent no longer than a minute in her father's company that night, which was tense, as beyond greeting them, all he did was make a thinly veiled disparaging comment about Jade's dress followed by one about her attitude when the comment was not well received by Jade. For what it was worth, Beck thought Jade looked like something else that night, something really beautiful and he had told her so. Her dress was not traditionally festive as it was black, but it was well fitted with a lace trim and long sleeves, falling to a slight swing at her knees. She'd even taken out her eyebrow piercing for the night, something she later admitted to regretting to Beck months later when they'd been laying in the dark, wide awake in the small hours of the morning.

"I don't know why I bother trying to change myself to get him to accept me, it never works" She had said, so quietly Beck wasn't even sure for a moment it was meant for his ears. Nonetheless, he'd pulled her in close, no mean feat in the early stages of their relationship, and told her that he thought she was perfect. She'd elbowed him in the chest gently and called him a sap in retaliation, but he thought it must have had some impact as she went to sleep straight after and, come the morning, she was visibly more relaxed around him than she ever had been before.

The memory flashed fleetingly through his mind as he now started at Mr West, who was chewing out the receptionist for not being able to answer his question. Beck realised the receptionist wasn't the same one as early and was probably just starting the new shift.

"And dammit I pay a lot of money in insurance so if you can't do your job kindly find me someone who CAN" Mr West enunciated his statement by slamming his fist on the desk.

"Mr West?" Beck decided to step in before the woman behind the desk burst into tears. Johnathan West turned on his heel, facing Beck with confusion, his anger momentarily forgotten. He seemed to be struggling to place Beck.

"I'm Beck" at the continued confusion, Beck had to restrain himself from rolling his eyes "Jade's boyfriend". He vaguely realised he'd referred to himself as her boyfriend again but that was swiftly pushed to one side as recognition finally dawned in the eyes of the man standing in-front of him.

"Beck, of course, do you know what's going on because no one in this place seems to" He shot a dark look at the receptionist who was now frantically typing away, trying to get the information he was after.

"Jade was brought in yesterday with a broken clavicle and severe head trauma" Beck recited, having now read the notes at the end of the bed so many times he didn't even have to think about it.

"She had to have surgery to release the pressure in her skull but she's doing much better now"

"Who authorised that surgery? What wasn't I notified?" Beck felt a familiar anger flare within him as Mr West snapped.

"With all due respect, Sir" Beck kept his tone neutral, but his inflection betrayed that he clearly thought Mr West was due no respect at all.

"No one was able to reach you and they did check with her next of kin"

"Amanda is here?" Beck paused, wrong footed as he wondered whether he was really the right person to break this kind of news. As luck would have it, Dr Griffiths approached from behind and smoothly took over the conversation.

"Mr West, I presume?"

"You presume correct, are you the Doctor who has been looking after my daughter?" Dr Griffiths nodded and indicated for him to follow her down the corridor. Beck resisted the urge to roll his eyes as Mr West pushed past him as though he wasn't even there.

"The situation has become quite complicated Mr West, we are only lucky Jade's next of kin was present with neither of her parents contactable"

"Neither of her parents, Jade's mother is her next of kin?"

Dr Griffiths didn't even blink.

"No, Mr Oliver is the listed next of kin"

"WHAT?" Mr West stopped short, nearly causing Beck to walk right into him.

"He's not even 18 yet"

"Age is irrelevant, and it wasn't technically asking for permission, we don't require that to deliver life saving treatment"

Beck frowned but didn't say anything, as far as he remembered he had been asked whether or not they should proceed with the Ventriculostomy. However, he pushed it aside, as Mr West was not keeping quiet about his displeasure.

"You should have made more effort, this is outrageous, we will be suing you and your entire medical staff".

To her credit, Dr Griffiths seemed unfazed.

"Yes because 5 phone calls to yourself and 8 to Ms West's mother in 20 minutes was really not a decent attempt at contact and we should have tried harder" Dr Griffiths raised her eyebrows as her tone took on a dangerously flippant edge

"I probably should have left her to bleed out on the table as her brain was starved of oxygen, but I took oaths as a doctor and the medical board tends to frown on you breaking them just because you couldn't get in contact with family". She fixed Mr West with a hard stare, who actually looked slightly chastised.

Beck on the other hand could feel his heart racing again as visions of Jade surrounded by her own blood flashed in-front of his eyes. They were worse than before, now with her laying pale and lifeless on a cold metal surgical table. He tried to force himself back into the present where Mr West seemed to have recovered and was now demanding to see his daughter. Beck looked up, alarmed. He was sure Jade would not want to see him, not right now and Mr West didn't even know about his ex-wife yet. Dr Griffiths was evidently one step ahead of Beck as she cut him off.

"You can see Jade in a minute, there are some things we need to discuss first and I don't want to disturb her rest". Her tone brooked no argument and Mr West conceded, allowing himself to be led into the same side room that Beck had been. Beck hung back and Dr Griffiths gave him a subtle nod as she shut the door. Beck took a breath and re-entered Jade's room.

"and then Sinjin took his shirt off and started running around the grub truck shouting that he was King Louis" Cat giggled as she recalled the memory "Lane had to chase him for like 5 minutes before he caught him".

Jade didn't laugh with her, or even crack a smile but she listened none the less. Cat had been talking at her for, well, she wasn't sure how long, but it was a welcome relief from the silence or the constant questioning. Cat was happy just to talk; it was how Jade and her had become friends in the beginning. Cat had been sat next to her in class in Middle school and started talking to her and no amount of Jade's sass or dismissive attitude had stopped her. As it was, Jade's rough attitude just rolled off Cat even then and Jade had no choice but to tolerate her. Jade liked to think she didn't like Cat in the beginning. She'd deny it under oath but, even then, the girl's incessant cheeriness was hard not to love even if it was rather annoying at times. Their friendship had been cemented when Jade had rescued Cat from being bullied by some girls from the older years in the toilets. They'd been saying nasty things about her brother and stopping her from leaving, they'd just started to get rough with her when Jade walked in. Despite the rumours, that was the first time Jade had ever actually punched someone, but it did the trick. After that, Cat and Jade were pretty much stuck with each other.

Jade turned her head as she heard someone walking through the door, not unsurprised to see Beck.

"Beck! You're back!"

"Yeah, sorry I was gone a while"

"No, you weren't" Cat looked at him almost comically.

"Oh okay" Beck was struggling to find words and Jade found herself frowning, false cheeriness was never Beck's strong suit.

"Hey, Cat do you wanna go hit up the cafeteria?"

"I'm not hungry" she stated plainly

"How about a drink?"

"I'm not thirsty". Beck had to bite his tongue, why couldn't Cat understand what he was trying to do. As though Jade had been reading his mind, she surprised both Beck and Cat by opening her mouth.

"I'm a bit thirsty"

"Oh really?" Cat jumped to her feet "We can go get you something?"

"How about just you Cat" Beck suggested gently "I've already been like 4 times and I think they're getting suspicious"

Cat gasped.

"Beck you weren't stealing, were you?"

"What? No! I just-" Beck gave up and shrugged

"Because you can be incinerated for that"

"Incarcerated" Jade couldn't help herself and Beck barked out a laugh, a genuine laugh with a smile that lit up his face. Jade didn't smile but her eyes met Beck's and she basked for a moment in the warmth of his gaze. This had all passed Cat by who now agonizing over what to get Jade and Jade was of little help when she replied

"I don't care" as Cat's face fell, Jade closed her eyes "Something fruity" she ground out, finding the whole interaction exhausting.

"Kk!" With a renewed sense of purpose, she bounded out the room as Jade and Beck watched. There was a beat.

"She turned the wrong way, didn't she?" Jade's voice was quiet and gravelly

"Yup" Beck shook his head. He turned to Jade, wondering how best to break the news but Jade beat him to it.

"What now?" Beck was slightly taken aback.

"You're giving me that kicked puppy look that means you have bad news"

"I don't have a kicked puppy look" Beck was indignant but Jade merely raised her eyebrows.

"Okay maybe I do, but I resent that". The moment of levity was brief but welcome.

"Come on then, it can't get any worse, can it?" The statement was meant to be flippant, but Beck could sense rather than hear the edge in Jade's voice. The small glimmer of dread in the corner of her eye.

"Your dad just got here"

"Wow, I guess I was wrong then"

"Huh?"

"It can get worse" Jade closed her eyes, fighting the weariness once again. She could feel a tightness around her temple as the earlier headache started to make a reappearance.

"Maybe it's a good thing" Beck tried "He sounded worried"

"You spoke to him?" Beck gulped.

"Briefly, he's with Dr Griffiths right now" Beck watched Jade absorb the information, she was playing with the soft fur of the giraffe again.

"He, uh, he didn't know about your mum".

Jade felt like she'd been hit by a freight train as the reminder of her mother's death swept over her. It wasn't like she'd forgotten exactly, how could she? But it was more as though it had been held behind a dam and unbeknownst to Beck his words had burst the dam. Beck did notice her reaction, but he wasn't certain what had triggered it. Her face had lost the small amount of colour it had recently gained, and her hand stopped stroking the giraffe.

"Try not to worry, I think Dr Griffiths is going through it all with him now" He sat on the edge of the chair and laid his hand on her arm.

She looked at him, eyes piercing and somewhat blank, but Beck was aware there was now a pain present that hadn't been there before.

"and I know he's not been a great father, but he is your Dad and he loves you".

Jade scoffed before she could stop herself.

"Just give him a chance" Beck pleaded. He knew their relationship was rocky, but he desperately wanted Jade to have a proper parental figure in her life, and maybe this would be the moment where Mr West was finally able to fulfil that.

"A chance to do what? He knew" Jade's tone was dark "He knew, and he didn't care".

This caught Beck's attention.

"What do you mean he knew?"

"Why do you think they divorced in the first place?". Beck bit his lip, realising he'd never really thought about it.

"He didn't care then I don't see why he would now, besides I don't want him too" Beck nearly retorted that he knew that was rubbish, but he caught himself, reminding himself that he was there to be helpful and not stress her out. He knew Jade and, as much as she hated it, there was still a little girl somewhere inside of her that desperately wanted her father to love her.

A commotion sounded in the corridor, causing both Beck and Jade to turn their heads.

"I can't do this" Jade mumbled, so quiet Beck wondered if she meant to say it out loud at all.

"Yes, you can" He turned his attention back to her

"I don't want to do this" Beck felt his heart clench as the gravity of the situation dawned on him yet again.

"I know and I'm sorry you're going through all of this" He picked up her hand again "It's bitterly unfair but I'll stay with you, you don't have to do this on your own if you don't want to".

Not for the first time, Beck wished he had a magic wand which he could wave a fix everything for her. Jade looked small and lost among the bedclothes surrounding her and, before Beck realised he was doing it, he had bent over and pressed a kiss to the side of her head. He froze with his lips still in place and shut his eyes as he winced, castigating himself for shattering the tenuous boundaries they had put in place earlier that day.

"Sorry" he mumbled against her hair, now resting his head against hers. The act was no less intimate, but he couldn't bring himself to look move and look Jade in the eye. His heart nearly skipped a beat when he felt Jade push back against his head over so slightly.

"S'okay" she replied just as quietly, unwilling to say anything further and destroy the moment. Jade had been taken aback by Beck's actions but between that and his soothing words, she was feeling something other than dread and despair. She didn't know what it was, and nor did she care, but she was clinging onto it as proof she hadn't completely died inside.

Unfortunately, the moment was broken when the door to her hospital room was flung open, and any hope Jade had that it was Cat was dashed as her father strode purposefully into the room. Beck returned to the chair but did not release her hand. The silence was almost unbearable as Beck watched Mr West who was watching Jade who was staring at her favourite spot on the far wall. Dr Griffiths had not entered the room, but Beck could see her over Mr West's shoulder lingering behind the door.

"Jade?" Jade didn't react to her father's voice, content to stare in the other direction.

"How are you feeling?" His tone wasn't unfriendly but there was no warmth to it. It wasn't the tone of a concerned father whose daughter's life has just been turned upside down and it made Beck angry, he could feel it simmering just below the surface. He glared at Mr West, using his thumb to stroke the back of Jade's hand.

"Beck you can leave us now" Mr West tried a new approach.

"No" Beck said simply.

"I wasn't asking, I will be talking to Jade alone, you are not family"

"I'm more family to her than you've ever been" Beck said heatedly.

"Now wait just one minute" Mr West's eyes flashed dangerously

"It's fine Beck" Jades quiet voice stopped Mr West's oncoming tirade in its tracks. Beck turned back to Jade who was now looking at him.

"Are you sure?" Beck felt slightly thrown at the apparent U-turn in Jade's attitude. "I can stay if you want me to"

"No, it's fine" Jade felt torn herself. She was touched that Beck was apparently primed to rip her father to shreds on her behalf however, she didn't think she could handle balancing the emotions of more than one person right now. The conversation needed to be had but it was going to be painful and messy, of that she was sure.

"Okay then" This time Beck kissed her very deliberately on the side of her head, squeezing her hand as he did so. "If you need me, I'll be right outside". Jade nodded and watched him go, aware that her father was only becoming increasingly exasperated and a tiny part of her was relishing in it. The door shut with a quiet click leaving Jade and her father alone.

Jade waited quietly. She wasn't feeling particularly patient, but she'd be dammed if she was going to be the one to make the first move. In truth, she wasn't entirely certain why her father had shown up. She wasn't lying when she told Beck he didn't care; he wasn't the warmest person before the divorce but after then he'd become so distant that he was a complete stranger to her. The ticking of the clock seemed amplified throughout the room as the silence between the two grew increasingly uncomfortable. Jade chanced a look at her father who was standing stiffly a few feet from the bed. His expression was pinched and unreadable. They shared the same brown hair, but she'd gotten her eyes and her jawline from her mother.

'As for the bad attitude, it could have been either' Jade thought derisively.

Caught up in her thoughts, she nearly jumped out of her skin when her father made a sudden movement. Apparently deciding that standing was no longer appropriate he had moved to sit down in the chair Beck had vacated, although he still sat stiff, shifting uncomfortably.

"Well, are you going to tell me what happened?" his tone was brisk. Jade regarded him blankly, aware that normally she would be feeling angry and someone like him pushing in on her personal business she felt a little unsettled.

"Why?"

Whatever answer Mr West had been expecting, that wasn't it.

"W-What? What do you mean why?" he sputtered, not used to being questioned.

"Why?" Jade repeated just as calm. She didn't want to tell him anymore than she knew and, as it was, she didn't even know how she could tell him what had been going on in his absence. As far as Jade was concerned, he had lost all privilege to that kind of information a long time ago.

"Because I am your father and apparently now your sole legal guardian"

Jade felt her stomach clench at his words, the angry bitterness that had bled into his voice. There was no compassion, nothing that suggested to her that he found the situation anything other than an inconvenience. Jade refocused on the back wall, all of a sudden finding it a lot harder to stay in the present.

"I didn't mean it like that" Mr West continued, trying to take a softer approach "Obviously what has happened is terrible but you're not doing yourself any favours by acting all stubborn".

Unfortunately, Mr West's attempt at an apology fell short as he still managed to get in a jab at his daughter. He was floundering and unsure how to navigate the situation.

'But then' he thought 'Who even knows how to deal with this situation'. He was angry at Jade, furious with the fact she was being uncooperative, seeing it as her asserting herself as the problem child he'd always know.

'Why can't she let the attitude go and recognise that, unlike her, I am trying here' he fumed.

"Well if you don't want to talk about that, Dr Griffiths gave me a run down on your condition, you should be able to leave hospital next week" Silence. Jade felt a sudden rush of anger go through her.

"Of course, you can't really go back to your mother's house for now as I don't know how the legal side will work" More silence. Mr West let out a huff. Jade felt like her skin was itching, straining under the effort to keep the anger at bay, out of sight.

"You could at least acknowledge me Jade, this isn't only difficult for you, you know"

Jade took a slow breath in, still not taking her eyes of the wall.

"I really don't care how difficult this is for you" She said slowly, her nerves brittle but determined not to snap.

"How DARE you? She was my wife once and you are my daughter".

"Oh, so NOW I'm your daughter?" Her voice was raised, and her eyes flashed, finally meeting Mr West's.

"Now you've decided to care but, when I actually needed my dad, you were nowhere to be found".

"Are you trying to suggest this is my fault?" Mr West was indignant and rose out of the chair, drawing himself up to his full height "Because I can't _possibly_ see how you could put the blame for your mother's actions onto me".

All of a sudden, like a bullet from a gun, Jade felt the tenuous grip she had on her control snap.

"You _knew_ what was going on you just blocked it out, you pretended I didn't exist, you never even questioned why I stopped visiting"

"Well, I" Mr West started to respond but Jade didn't give him the chance. It was like someone had opened a door on all the emotions she'd been clamping down on for years. The Jade West manoeuvre, angry at the world because no one listened to her, starting with her parents. Every bitter thought, every sliver of resentment she'd ever had was seemingly unleashed.

"No, if it wasn't to show off your daughter you weren't interested in me and even then, you disapprove of everything I do, so I didn't even have that for you after a while" She let out a maniacal laugh.

"You _knew_ she was going off the rails when I asked you for help all those years ago, but you just _threw_ money at me and carried on living your life" She stopped suddenly, trying to catch her breath. Mr West stood unmoving, somewhat shocked by the vitriol that Jade had just unleashed upon him.

"You were happy to sacrifice your daughter to her drug addicted mother if it meant your life could stay normal" Jade was quieter now.

"I can't work out what's worse; whether you knew something like this would happen one day or whether you didn't spend long enough thinking about it to care" She shook her head, aware that the pain was increasing ten-fold.

"You've not been a father to me for a long time, so please, don't insult us both by pretending any different now". She reached for the button and jabbed it impatiently, refusing to even look at him. She didn't trust herself not to do something stupid, like cry.

Mr West stood for another 10 seconds, of that Jade was painfully aware as she counted, before abruptly turning and leaving the room. Jade squeezed her eyes shut and jabbed at the pain relief button again, as her head got tighter and tighter. It felt like something was trying to break out of her skull. A sharp wave of nausea suddenly surfaced, and Jade made a barely in-time grab for a cardboard basin as the meagre contents of her stomach made an appearance. The force of her retching on an empty stomach caused her shoulder to explode in pain, stars started to appear before her eyes and the corners of her vision began to blur. Her face was hot and wet; whether it was sweat or tears she wasn't sure.

Jade started to panic as her stomach continued to roll but was unable to bring anything other than bile up. Her throat was burning but the between her head and her shoulder she was in so much pain she could barely think straight. She was gasping for breath in-between each heave, desperate to stave off the dizziness that was now threatening to overwhelm her. She didn't hear the door open or the hurried footsteps running over to her, but she felt the warm hand on her forehead, gathering her hair out of the way and the comforting hand in the small of her back. She was vaguely aware of a voice shouting for the nurse as she continued to heave and gasp.

"It's okay, it'll be over in a minute" the words were soft and comforting, if slightly out of breath "Just breathe slowly".

Something cool was being pressed to her forehead. There were other people in the room now, and the retching was starting to ease. She still couldn't catch her breath and her vision was like looking through frosted glass. The voices were chattering around her, but she only focused on Beck's, she would have known his touch anywhere. An unexpected wave of calm suddenly flooded her body, the drowsiness was back but this time it was too strong too fight. She felt her head start to rock as her eyelids shut of their own accord and a gentle pair of hands lowered her down. She was asleep before her body had been lowered flat onto the bed.

**Okay, so I really apologise that this was later than my usual update. The weekend was unexpectedly busy with admin… you know for a lockdown! But, I also really took my time with this chapter as I really wanted to get it right – dramatic but not unrealistic. It's also super long as once I got going I didn't want to split it up! Sorry!**

**Thanks to everyone who left their reviews before, it's quite interesting that two people have now identified songs that this story makes them think of. I actually had the idea for this after listening to a sing, and I listen to a few while I'm writing as it's on a bit of a theme; but I won't reveal what they are ****just yet. I have listened to the two suggested though so thanks for that **

**Anyway, I hope you like it and please let me know what you think! The story is entering the third act now!**


	14. Chapter 14

Beck sincerely hoped that this would be the last time in his life he was sitting waiting for an unconscious Jade to wake-up. He was back to listening to the machine beeping, meticulously counting the few seconds between each one to make sure they were perfectly timed. Nurse Emma had assured him that Jade would be fine, and that they'd only administered a mild sedative so she would be awake again in about 30 minutes. Apparently, they didn't want to take any risks with her head injury. So now Beck was reduced to the silent sentry, sitting and stroking her hand while he counted the seconds between beeps.

He hadn't seen Cat; he'd text her telling her to go home for the day, citing the reason that Jade wasn't feeling well, but had no response. He was knew it probably wasn't fair, but he couldn't bring himself to care. Mr West had also disappeared and frankly, Beck wasn't interested in where. He'd heard most of the argument between Jade and Mr West, in fact he'd been halfway through the door when Mr West had left, unknown to the both of them. He couldn't understand how a father could be so emotionless, how he could not know his daughter. Beck didn't always get on with his parents, hence the reasons that led to him living in the RV, but he couldn't imagine either of them saying what Jade's father had to her. He recalled Mr West shoving past him as he made his exit, Beck had actually kept up with him for a few paces only to be ignored. He had shouted at him down the corridor, not caring that it was inappropriate behaviour for a hospital.

"So, you're just going to leave again are you?"

Jade's father hadn't even so much as faltered, he gave no indication he had even heard Beck shouting. Beck had opened his mouth to continue shouting abuse at the man, keen for an outlet for his frustration, when he'd heard a strange noise from behind him. The sound that a moment later he had identified as Jade throwing up. He'd gone tearing into the room only to find Jade in a state, gasping for air as she'd heaved over a cardboard sick bowl. He vaguely remembered yelling for the nurse as he'd tried to hold her hair back and offer some comfort. When it became clear to the nurses that she wasn't able to calm down they'd given her the sedative. She'd become a dead weight in his arms as, with the help of Emma, he'd laid her back down onto the bed. He so wanted her to wake-up, he needed a visual confirmation that she really would be okay. However, there was conflict there as well because, well, what was Jade even waking up into?

* * *

She'd been here before, of that Jade was certain. She wasn't sure where 'here' was exactly, only that it was familiar. Everything around her was blurry, indistinct but she could hear a rhythmic rushing which was somewhat recognisable. She was aware that nothing hurt and even though she wasn't sure why, she knew that was departure from normal. She tried to remember how she got here, but her memory wasn't that forthcoming. Jade was confused.

'You were arguing' the thought almost came out of nowhere 'You were arguing and then you woke up here'. Jade felt herself frown; her father's face swum in-front of her for a moment. She remembered she'd argued with him, but not what they'd argued about.

'Not that arguing with him is that unusual' the thought passed through her mind like a gentle breeze, barely lingering long enough to be noticed.

She felt like she was missing a piece of the puzzle. The rushing was becoming clearer, now sounding like waves crashing into rocks. It struck her as odd that she would have fallen asleep outside. Or did she fall asleep and was moved here?

A wind appeared out of nowhere whipping her hair in-front of her face. On reflex, she went to move her hand to tuck it back behind her ear but found her arm was uncooperative. She looked down, confused as her body swam into place and she recognised the sling that had prevented her arm from moving. She looked around, interested to see if her surroundings were any clearer. She was overcome with a feeling deja-vu as she realised, she was standing close to a cliff edge, the turbid blue waters of the sea several hundred meters below but stretching far out to the horizon and beyond. Despite the wind, she wasn't cold, but she was more aware of herself now. The aching in her head, the soreness of her chest.

'I can't have woken up here' Jade thought, becoming slightly concerned that she still didn't know where 'here' was. She tried to look behind her but found she couldn't turn around. She tried to move her free hand but that didn't seem to want to work either, although it felt different to her other side as it felt like a gentle weight was pulling it down. Jade looked out to the horizon, wondering briefly how far away it was. The wind was starting to roar, only to be drowned out by the sound of the waves crashing with increasing fervour into the bottom of the cliff. She continued to stare wistfully at the horizon, it looked peaceful in comparison but so far away. She heard a distinct crash above her, perhaps thunder as it did seem like it was growing darker. She felt her eyes start to close, and desperately fought against the urge. She'd already woken-up here confused, she didn't want to find out what would happen if she fell asleep again. It seemed like the most illogical case of sleep walking ever.

'Or maybe I haven't actually woken up yet'.

The last thought washed over her as she lost the battle to keep her eyes open, the roaring of the wind overtaking her.

* * *

"You've got to stop doing this" Beck smiled playfully but his eyes did little to hide his worry as Jade looked at him.

"Trust me, I don't fancy making a habit of it" Jade's voice was croaky again, but this time Beck was ready with a cup of water and straw. He passed Jade the controls to the bed and she raised herself up into a half-seated tilt.

"Do you remember what happened?". If Jade had possessed the energy she would have been glaring at Beck, but she decided against it as she fought to keep her bearings instead.

"My head hurt, and it made me sick" This time Jade did frown "Gross". Beck bit back a smirk.

"And then I was in a lot of pain and" she broke off, struggling to remember anything that had happened after.

"The nurse gave you a mild sedative to knock you out" Beck filled in "They said the pain had probably made you sick and your body was going into, like a panic mode".

"I take it my father has gone again?"

Beck blinked in surprise; he wasn't expecting Jade to bring her father up casually. Jade took his silence as an affirmative.

"Well at least he's predictable" It was quietly spoken but with no malice. Beck moved to try and comfort her, but Jade shook him off.

"No, it's fine, I'm fine". Beck gave her a look of stark disbelief.

"Honestly" Jade continued "I'm used to him not being there and I'm sick of having to feel bad because of it". A strange feeling of acceptance was washing through Jade. She knew it was illogical, but her father's actions were the one thing that was normal about the situation. Deep down it hurt, and she knew some day she'd have to face that but at the moment she was just glad she knew where she stood with him.

"What's the time?" Jade squinted but couldn't quite make out the hands of the clock on the back wall.

"A little after 3" Beck replied, "It's been a long day".

Jade snorted.

"That's one way of putting it".

Beck watched her carefully, he was almost beside himself that she seemed to be approaching normal, but he couldn't help feeling concerned that she was too normal, too quickly.

"Jade I know you hate me asking but what are you feeling right now?"

Her eyes narrowed.

"I do hate it" she responded sharply but then stopped biting her lip. "But I hate it because I don't have an answer, I don't know what I'm feeling"

Beck nodded slowly, willing himself to stay quiet so she could just let it out.

"I don't know if it's just my brain trying to cope or whatever but it's hard to even think about what's happened, it's like I know my mother is dead and I accept that" Jade took a breath "But I can't feel anything about it and" Jade cut herself off, the implications of what she'd just said hanging in the air between them. With a crashing clarity, Beck realised exactly what Jade was afraid of.

"Jade, you are not a monster for not feeling anything" He looked her directly in the eyes, willing her to believe him.

"It's a perfectly normal reaction I mean, Jesus Christ Jade you're fighting a battle on so many fronts right now your brain has probably just split things up so you don't get overwhelmed"

"I'm not so sure" Jade shook her head "I hated her for the drugs, I hated that she took her withdrawals out on me, hell, the last thing I ever said to her was that I wished she wasn't my mom" Jade broke off, caught off guard as a lump filled her throat.

"Drugs change people Jade; she probably hadn't been your 'mother' for a long time"

"I can't remember a time when she was anymore".

Silence fell between them again. Jade's head felt like it had been stuffed with cotton wool as she struggled to organise her thoughts. Her hand played with Mr Long Neck, the softness providing some distraction from the mess inside. She felt unsettled and somehow bereft, but it wasn't strong enough for her to put her finger on.

A crash in the corridor caused both of their heads to jerk up. It was followed by another crash and what sounded like multiple things being dropped. Beck was just raising from his seat to investigate when a short, red-headed figure crashed through the door. It was Cat, carrying an unsteady and nearly toppling pile of brightly coloured packages. This was in addition to the stuffed carrier bags hanging off her arms. Not for the first time, Beck was forced to consider whether or not she had lost the plot entirely as he raced over to help her before something else fell.

"Cat, what the hell?" He struggled to take the items off of Cat, whose arms were now going slightly numb under the weight of her purchases.

"What is all of this?"

"Jade said she wanted something fruity" Cat stated as though it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"So, you bought the entire cafeteria?" Beck was exasperated

"No, don't be silly Beck they didn't have much, so I went to the store"

"And bought everything in it?" Beck was completely bewildered until he cracked a closer look at some of the items, he'd relieved Cat of. Fruit gummies, fruity boiled sweets, preserved fruits in juice, fruit tarts, food for fruit-bats, fruit scented air fresheners; if it had a connection to fruit, Cat had apparently bought it.

"Ah" he turned one of the packages over in his hand, fighting the urge to laugh.

"And then you text saying Jade wasn't feeling well again so I went to another one, just in case I missed something".

"Like what, actual fruit?"

"Oh"

Cat was looking at Beck so earnestly as it took all his self-control not to laugh, not wanting to accidentally hurt her feelings. A quiet snort from the other side of the room caused the pair of them to turn. Beck turned in disbelief, a wide grin spreading rapidly across his face as he caught sight of the smirk on Jade's face.

It was stupid, of that Jade was certain, but Cat was nothing if unpredictable; and there was something about seeing her best friend arguing with her ex-boyfriend about fruit supplies that sparked something inside her. It wasn't happiness as such, but it prodded at her, persistent and refusing to be ignored. Her face felt foreign as it twisted into a small smile, as though her skin no longer belonged to her. Nevertheless, she couldn't help the snort of amusement that had escaped her. She met Beck's eyes across the room who promptly burst out laughing. Cat joined in, although the red head had no idea why Beck was laughing but it seemed to be making Jade happy. For a short moment, the veil of unhappiness that seemed to permanently shroud the room was lifted and it was filled with life.

The remainder of the afternoon seemed to pass quickly, too quickly for Beck's tastes. The atmosphere had returned to being subdued after he finished helping Cat stack her various purchases against the wall closest to Jade's bed. He'd made a mental note to go through them later and check there was nothing perishable in there. None of the food had been enough to tempt Jade into trying it, even with Cat's pleas she'd given in, only to quietly shuffle the food to Beck when she wasn't looking. Beck understood, she was still recovering, and Dr Griffiths had said it may be a day or two before her appetite returned. Beck liked Dr Griffiths, or at least he had until she threw them both out just after 6pm, citing Jade needing some proper rest.

"She needs time to sleep and recover, it has been a very difficult day for all of you but especially her" Dr Griffiths was stern in her tone.

"I think you would also do well to go home for some food and rest" Her eyes had narrowed at him and Beck felt like he had no choice but to agree. Cat had left happily enough, promising Jade she'd be back to see her soon and that she could keep Mr Long Neck for as long as she wanted when Jade had made a half-hearted attempt to return the giraffe. Beck felt more conflicted, lingering by her bedside until Nurse Emma has threatened to escort him out personally.

"I'll see you first thing in the morning" He'd promised, and Jade had simply nodded, not really meeting his eyes as she closed in on herself again. Even then, he dawdled outside the door for a moment; watching as Emma started her checks. His chest felt unusually tight at the thought of letting Jade out of his sight, he couldn't shake the feeling that something else might happen. Gathering himself, he tried to push the feeling away as he headed out the hospital. The orange glow of the sunset blinded him, and he winced as he thrust his arm out to hail a cab.

* * *

He barely registered the journey back home and all too soon found himself opening the door to his RV. He pulled out his phone to text his mom, having promised he would let her know how things had gone, and found more missed calls from Andre and Tori. He ran a hand through his hair, unsure on what to do but ultimately recognising he couldn't put it off any longer. It was clear his friends were already suspicious something was up. Without giving himself any longer to change his mind, he jabbed at the call button.

"Hey Beck, I've been trying to call you all day, where you been man?" Andre's chilled voice carried loudly down the phone.

"Sorry, I've had some stuff happen and I turned my phone off"

"Yeah, we figured it was something serious, is everything okay though? Because I thought your parents were away this week?"

"We?" Andre's use of the word had not escaped Beck's notice.

"Yeah me and Tori, because we agreed we'd be working on our screenplay this weekend, that's why we were calling you all day"

"Shit, sorry man" Beck was sounding off a more extensive list of curses in his head. He vaguely remembered agreeing to something like that on Friday but at the time he'd thought it more of a suggestion than anything else; he hadn't really been paying attention.

"Beck, what's going on?" Andre's voice had lost its normal cheerful lilt.

"Are you still at Tori's?"

"Yeah I am, you're not on speaker though" Andre lowered his voice, although he was clearly bewildered and wondering why it mattered if Tori heard something.

"No, it's not that" Beck said "Well, I don't know, I mean she wouldn't want anyone to know but that's not an option really"

"Beck what are talking about, what's going on?"

"Look I'm going to tell you something and you need to tell Tori too, but I need you both to not freak out okay?"

"Andre, is that Beck?" Tori's voice drowned out whatever Andre's reply had been. Beck threw himself down onto the sofa, pinching the bridge of his nose as he listened to Andre explaining to Tori that Beck had gone wonky.

"Guys!" Beck interrupted, unwilling to listen to them any further "I can hear you, you know". It went quiet at the other end of the line.

"Beck is everything okay?" Tori's voice filtered through, concern evident.

"Something happened with Jade yesterday, I can't tell you what because its private but"

"Oh my God, is she okay?"

"Is she in trouble with the police?"

"She can't be my Dad would have told me, oh my God she's not on the run, is she? Because if she is, I really can't know about that"

"What? No! Guys can you just shut up and listen? Please?" The phone fell quiet again as his two friends obeyed, although it may have just been shock at the usually cool and collected Beck sounding so stressed.

"Jade's in the hospital" Tori's gasp was audible through the phone "and her mother died".

"Is Jade okay?" Andre's voice was hesitant.

"No, not really she had to have surgery, she's doing better now but then she got the news of about her mom so I don't think 'okay' is really a word she can use right now"

"Of course, is there anything we can do?"

"Not right now, you know Jade, she's a private person" he took a breath "She doesn't even know I've told you and she probably wouldn't thank me for it"

"It's okay Beck, we understand" Andre again, although his voice sounded shaky.

"Cat knows but Robbie doesn't"

"It's fine" Tori interjected "We can tell Robbie if you want?"

"Yeah okay but keep him away from Cat"

"She doesn't know?"

"No, she knows, she's been at the hospital with me today" Beck waited but nothing was said "I just, I know Robbie means well but he'll end up stressing Cat out more because she thinks this is a secret"

"Is it a secret?"

"You know what Tori, I don't even know"

"Alright Beck don't worry we've got it covered" Andre's spoke with more bravado than he felt. "Just keep us updated and tell us if you guys need anything". Beck breathed a sigh of relief.

"Thanks guys, I'll text you tomorrow". He hung up, almost overcome with how easy that had been. He wasn't sure what he'd expected, but it wasn't that. Sighing audibly, he threw his phone in the general direction of the bed and pulled off his shirt as he walked into the small bathroom, intent on taking a shower.

As he stood under the spray, Beck rolled his head back and forth trying to work out some of the knots he'd acquired from a night of sitting in a hospital chair. He felt a weird combination of exhaustion and alertness as everything ached, but his mind was sharp, too sharp for his liking. He stood for a moment with his eyes shut, letting the warm water pour over his shoulders. His thoughts drifted back over everything that had happened, filling his head with the images of Jade lying unresponsive on the floor. His shook his head vigorously, as though it would remove the images from his mind. Deciding to give up on the shower, he rinsed the last of the suds down the plug hole and stepped out. He caught sight of his tired reflection and frowned, he looked like hadn't slept in a month. Grabbing the nearest t-shirt, he all but collapsed onto his bed, hoping for some sleep but with a distinct feeling it wouldn't be coming easily to him.

* * *

Jade laid unmoving on the bed, eyes wide open and fixed on the ceiling. Nurse Emma had offered to give her something to help her sleep, but Jade had refused; given her whole situation had been fuelled by drugs she had no desire to voluntarily take anything that would make her lose control of her body. Vaguely, Jade was aware that it was irrational, but she only had to think of her mother and the sharp pain was enough to strengthen her resolve. Her mother was now filling almost all of her thoughts as her brain relived their last encounter on a loop, although the details from right before her fall were still fuzzy.

Jade tried to think back further, scraping around for every interaction she'd had with her mother recently. In truth, they'd been few and far between which was how their relationship had worked. Jade avoided her mother as much as possible, and Jade was pretty sure her mother was often doing the same thing. It was easier to avoid the fights, particularly in the last year or so. Even after her and Beck had split and she'd spent much more time in the house, she knew her mother's work-life pattern and it made her easier to avoid. In truth, many times they'd been in the house together, but Jade had reckoned her mother was too high to notice. The one saving grace was that her mother had almost always left the house to meet her dealer, often leading to her being gone for most of the weekend. Jade had noticed about six months back that her mother was high more during the week, her habits had changed, and her behaviour became more erratic. In fact, now she thought about it, Jade couldn't remember the last time she'd had a vaguely normal conversation with her mother beyond 'where are you going?' and 'is there any food in?'.

'And now I'll never have that chance again' Jade swallowed.

Despite their complicated relationship and all the bitterness Jade held, the guilt for the last words she had spoken to her mother was overwhelming. At the same time, Jade was struggling to understand why she felt this way, or at least why she felt it so strongly. Her relationship with her mother hadn't been right for years, and she couldn't remember the last time the woman had been vaguely maternal towards her. Jade had learnt to function on her own, to only rely on herself and that had started before her parents split. Even when they were all together, she often felt like an afterthought, as her parents were never around for long and hardly ever under the same roof together. On the rare occasions that they were all in the same house together, it was just arguments that Jade could remember. Except, back then it hadn't always been all bad. She could remember occasional outings with her mom, her mom was the only one of her parents that came to her dance recitals, although that had also stopped in the end. Deep down, Jade realised she'd been harbouring a small, infinitesimal hope that one day her mother would wake-up and get clean; that maybe one day she would want something different from herself and her daughter and would try to repair the relationship between them.

Jade was feeling sick again. It was different to before, as this wasn't brought on by pain, but it was all consuming. Her throat felt like it was closing up and her chest was tight although she could still breathe perfectly fine, if a little quick. She was flushing hot, but it was somehow making her shiver. Jade squeezed her eyes shut, feeling moisture pooling behind them but she didn't want to cry, not again. Her eyes didn't seem to obey and slowly tears leaked out and down the side of her head. Her unbound hand furiously wiped them away while she fought the urge to throw-up. Jade started to get angry, furious at her own lack of control, at not being able to understand what was happening to her. She lashed out, launching the nearest object to her across the room; unfortunately for Mr Long Neck it was quite a distance. Jade hauled herself into a seating position, only becoming further enraged when the various tubes prevented her from sitting up easily. A light-headedness assaulted her as she finally came upright, an unfortunate side effect of trying to sit up too quickly.

As Jade waited for it to pass, she felt the anger start to drain as quickly as it came, her breathing evened out and she was once again filled with guilt and shame. She stared at the purple giraffe, now lying upside down against the far wall; it wasn't a bad metaphor for how she felt. Jade chewed on her lip, wondering whether or not she would be able to retrieve the toy on her own. She didn't want anyone to see it, trying to kid herself that it was for Cat's benefit but really it was for hers too. To her continual frustration, the tubes were going to prevent her from even sitting on the side of the bed, let alone leave it. The urge to throw something else reared up inside her, she grabbed her phone from the table preparing to throw it to before catching herself.

'This is so fucking stupid' she seethed, hand clenched tightly around the device. She chucked it more carefully onto the bed and tried to take a deep, calming breath. Her thoughts flicked back to her mother and the anger simmered.

"This is all her fault" she whispered angrily to herself "Who the fuck shoves their daughter down the stairs and then leaves her there to go get a fix?" Her hands clenched at the thin bed sheets, screwing them up to form deep wrinkles in the material. It wasn't enough though.

"And what the hell is wrong with me because she should be the guilty one right now, not me; what the fuck was I supposed to do?" Still talking to herself, Jade was desperate for answers and the person who she thought could give them to her wasn't here. The maelstrom of emotions inside of her was becoming unbearable. An endless circle of memories and questions; questions that formed the base of what was haunting Jade, why did her mother leave her there? Had her mother hated her that much or was it a drug-induced haze that led her to it? Why was she now guilt, angry and despairing over the same woman, all at the same time? Jade sat, staring at the wall, having never felt so lost in all her life.

* * *

Mr West stood very still in the opulent foyer; his eyes transfixed on a spot of flooring at the bottom of the large staircase. The flooring to the foyer was no less grand than its surroundings, an expensive white marble tile with black flecks throughout. It seemed a million years ago that Mr West had stood there with his new bride, debating whether white was a good colour for an entryway floor. Mr West had half protested that white would be impossible to keep clean, but Amanda had pointed out that was why people employed cleaners. She had twisted his arm by insisting it would only enhance the space providing the basis for a smart, clean colour scheme. Standing there today, Mr West was hyper aware that white was in-fact a terrible colour for showing up marks, such as the blood stains apparently left by his daughter. They were vivid and brutal against the spotless surroundings. Mr West felt himself go slightly lightheaded as his last hope that this had all been an elaborate dream left him. Forcing himself to move, he slowly paced over to the bright red stains, stooping to pick-up a blood-soaked rag which he realised was a shirt. He dropped it like it had burnt him. This was all too real. He staggered backwards, collapsing onto the bottom stairs.

Dr Griffiths had taken him through what she had pieced together. Amanda's drug addiction, Amanda throwing Jade down the staircase and evidently Amanda leaving her there. The fact there looked like there was a history of physical abuse. Mr West thought of his ex-wife and tried to reconcile all the information with the image he had of her in his head. He knew she had a drug habit, but as far as he was concerned it had only ever been a habit. It wasn't unusual for high flying stockbrokers to have a social cocaine habit, at least that was what he had told himself. He had convinced himself at the time of the divorce that it was only occasional, despite the fact the habit was a consistent arguing point for them. He had ignored the potential implications for Jade, assuming that his soon-to-be ex-wife would step-up, and he'd swiftly buried any other thoughts to the contrary. When they'd split, he was convinced that his family had been something he never wanted, something holding him back. His daughter was becoming a sulky teenager before her years, and they had nothing in common. He'd pushed it all to one side, focused on his career and making a better life for himself. He acknowledged he hardly noticed when Jade stopped visiting, having concluded it was probably for the best. He had always paid over and above in child support and, as far as he was concerned, that was the limit of his parental responsibility for a child he didn't see. Even that time Jade had approached him for help, he'd assumed she was being an over-dramatic teenager, assumed that she had done something to cause her mother to cut her off temporarily so he'd given her money and sent her on her way, barely giving it a second thought. Now, he felt waves of shame flow through him, as he realised the situation was far worse than he could have possible imagined.

He dropped his head into his hands as he exhaled a shaky breath, eyes still fixed on the blood-stained floor.

**Okay, so this seemed like a good place to leave this chapter. I do hope you all like it. Thank you to everyone who left a review, I never imagined I'd have over 100 reviews and they really help the writing process. To the one guest who left a review to say they were giving up on the story – I'm sorry it didn't work for you and you didn't enjoy it but thanks for trying it anyway.**

**If things go well, I'll have a second update before the Easter period is over. As always, do let me know what you think :)**


	15. Chapter 15

Beck bolted upright, his heart racing. It took a moment for his surroundings to come into focus but, as they did, he felt a wave of relief. The RV. Not the hospital and certainly not Jade's house. Taking a moment, he stretched his shirt to mop the sweat off of his forehead before reaching for the alarm clock. The little red numbers glowed in the dim light of the RV, 4:25am. Beck groaned as he realised he'd only been asleep for two hours, and it had hardly been restful. He ran his hand over his face, trying to make himself feel more alert. He'd laid awake on his bed for hours, too wired to fall asleep. When he'd finally managed it, he'd fallen in and out of nightmares; all of which had been intent on making him re-live finding Jade surrounded by a pool of her blood. If anything, the nightmares were even worse than the real-life experience, as in his dreams he could see her but not reach her. He was either standing or sitting, unable to move but forced to watch the lift drain from her body. He couldn't even shout for help. Deciding to try for any more sleep would likely be pointless, Beck hauled himself from his bed heading towards the counter to get a pot of coffee started.

The RV was generally sparse in terms of kitchen facilities, but the coffee maker had become a necessity after Jade started spending the night there. He allowed himself a wistful smile as the thought of a grumpy, early morning Jade. While many people would associate Jade with being grumpy regardless, Beck had a special affinity for Jade's grumpiness first thing in the morning. It was the one time of day she wasn't one step ahead of him and the grumpiness was almost cute, not that Beck would ever dare tell her that. She was softer in the mornings, sleepy and usually grumbling intermittently until her first coffee was finished. He had many fond memories of the two of them cuddled up in bed, having the first coffee as the light got brighter around them. His smile faded as he realised in the last few months of their relationship that had almost completely stopped, he had no longer bothered to get up before her to do the coffee. Their quiet wake up time in bed had been almost completely disregarded in favour of a rushed morning routine where they barely said two words to each other. It had crept up on them, or at least it had crept on Beck, he couldn't be sure how much Jade had noticed before the relationship had finally given out.

He grabbed his phone as he waited for his coffee cup to fill up and was relieved to see the only message was from his mom, letting him know she was thinking of them both. His parents still weren't going to be home for a week, but they'd decided not to extend their trip any longer than necessary, for which Beck was grateful. He toyed with the idea of texting Jade, but resisted, assuring himself she would probably be fast asleep and wouldn't thank him for waking her up. He took his coffee to the door, settling on the steps to his RV. The air was brisk and clean, with the dawn light just starting to break; it had all the promise of a hot day ahead. Beck sipped at the coffee, barely reacting as it slightly scorched his mouth for, he was almost completely lost in thought. He knew he needed a plan for Jade going forward, but it had to be done in the right way. Clearly, Mr West wasn't someone that she was going to be able to rely upon but there was going to be a lot to do. Jade was still 6 months off being an 'adult' in the eyes of the law, he had no idea where they would have her live if her father wasn't an option.

'Or would he be forced to assume custody?' Beck wondered.

He knew Jade would hate and resist the idea of living with her father, but if the alternative was state homeless shelter then he wasn't sure she had a choice. He was toying with the idea as to whether she'd be able to stay with him, if his parents agreed to take on parental responsibility; but he wasn't sure. For one thing, he didn't know if his parents would agree as, while they were both now incredibly sympathetic towards her situation, taking on responsibility for her was a completely different kettle of fish. Also, Beck was well aware that nothing had really been settled between them, and Jade moving into his RV or even the spare room could just complicate things further and make both their lives more difficult. If there was one thing Beck didn't want to do it was to cause any more stress in Jade's life, that was why a plan was so important to him. Realistically, he knew the plan had to be arranged so Jade at least felt like she had a choice, or she wouldn't be receptive to it. He chewed it over in his mind, trying to understand the scope of everything that now had to be sorted, Jade's home, legal issues with her mother's death and the like. The day was only just beginning but Beck already felt exhausted.

* * *

On the other side of town, Mr West emptied the bucket for what he sincerely hoped was the last time. He forced himself to watch as the dark water swirled down the drain, providing a stark contrast to the gleaming stainless-steel sink. He used his elbow to knock the faucet on, not wanting his stained hands to spread the mess any further. As he washed his hands, he became aware of the sweat that was sticking his hair to his forehead, his face flushed with the exertion from the last hour. He scrubbed his hands with a fervour previously unknown to him, desperate to remove every trace of his daughters' blood from them while simultaneously wondering if the blood would ever disappear. He'd spent the last hour meticulously cleaning the blood stains from the floor, unable to stare at them any longer. He felt taunted by its presence, as though it was a reminder of his own negligence, his own failings.

Mr West couldn't remember the last time he'd done any more than wiping a cloth over a counter. He had an expensive two storey house on the other side of the hills, it was luxurious and had far more room than he'd ever needed. As a result, he had a daily cleaner and housekeeper to stay on top of things. In truth, he was barely home and even rarer was it that he entertained there. He had never really had regular visitors, women had come and gone from his life after the divorce; he had liked the company they provided, but it was a temporary stress relief which ultimately turned into a distraction from his work and so they would leave, realising he wasn't in it for the long haul. Now as he stood at the sink, scrubbing his hands so hard his skin was starting to sting, he was finally starting to wonder what it was all for. He was angry, that much he was certain. Angry at his ex-wife for making such a mess, angry at his daughter for not forcing him to take action; However, deep down, there was a much harsher anger simmering but he couldn't quite acknowledge it, not yet.

* * *

Jade sat staring into the dim light of her hospital room. She wasn't sure how much time had passed, only that sleep had not come easy nor stayed for very long. She looked at the stuffed giraffe, still laying haphazardly on the far side of the room and felt a small shift in the weight that had settled in her chest. She was back to feeling like someone had switched her emotions off; in some ways it should have been a relief, but the numbness was not at all comforting. She wanted to reach for her phone, to find a worthwhile distraction from the silence but everything seemed like too much effort. Her eyes would periodically flicker shut as the tiredness became overwhelming, but it never led her to sleep. Her thoughts felt like a hamster stuck on a wheel, an endless rotation with no end in sight. A soft golden glow was filling the room as the sun began to rise, but Jade was too far gone to appreciate the sight.

She could hear the noise picking up outside the room as the footfall increased but no one had come in yet. If she squinted, the clock on the wall just about became clear enough to read; it was a little after six. Mustering up some energy, she reached for her phone and the screen flickered to life. Mercifully, there were no more notifications or messages. She'd disabled notifications from the Slap, the constant flashing of her phone light had become annoying during the night. She checked back though the call log for the previous day, vaguely remembering Andre had called her but unsure as to whether she was remembering correctly. She frowned as she was proved correct, unsure as to why Andre would have called her. A slight panic spiked in her mind, did Andre know something? Jade chewed on her lip, not comfortable with the idea that any of her wider circle of 'friends' know anything. Beck was unavoidable, given that he had been the one to find her, but she couldn't help but wonder whether she would have contacted him at all had he not been there.

'Or whether I even would have been alive to contact him' she thought darkly. It was those thoughts that had plagued her throughout the night. Thoughts about what would have happened had Beck not found her, thoughts that scared her but for all the wrong reasons. As in the dark of the night, Jade had come to the realisation that she was almost disappointed that Beck had found her. She sat staring at her phone, although she was no longer really seeing it. It felt like the world was slipping by her and she could see it but not stop it.

Beck checked his watch has he walked through the main doors of the hospital; it was still far too early for hospital visiting but he'd been climbing the walls of his RV. He had a vague plan to slip into the ward undetected or else go sit in the coffee shop if he was discovered. In truth, he was hoping the nurses at the ward reception desk would take pity on him, he wasn't above tapping into his acting ability to play the poor, devoted boyfriend if it got him into Jade's room early. It did occur to Beck, that it wouldn't be too much of a stretch to act but he brushed it away. The longer he'd sat inside the RV, the more the little snide voice had eaten away at him; it was intent on telling him how he'd abandoned Jade for the night.

'_She's hardly stable'_ it had whispered '_And you just left her, anything could happen'_. Unable to stand it, Beck had grabbed his car keys and headed off to the hospital without so much as a backward glance.

Now he approached the ward cautiously, stopping to peer through the double doors. Thankfully, the nurse's station was unmanned and so he quietly slipped through, hastily shuffling down the corridor to Jade's room. He didn't bother to look through the window before entering, expecting Jade to still be asleep. As it was, he found Jade sitting bolt upright, but her head tilted down, it took her a moment to look up when he came in.

"Hey" his voice was soft, betraying the relief he felt at finding her pretty much as she'd been when he left. Jade looked at him, eyebrows suddenly furrowing.

"It's early" an observation

"Yeah" for a moment, Beck looked guilty. "I, uh, had trouble sleeping".

Jade seemed to consider this carefully but didn't respond. Beck slowly approached the bed, taking in the dark circles underneath Jade's eyes. It was becoming apparent to him that he wasn't the only one who hadn't slept.

"You didn't sleep either, did you?".

Jade stared at him for a moment before shaking her head. Beck sat in the chair, wincing slightly as he the knots in his back took up residence again. Why were hospital chairs always so uncomfortable?

"I'm not going to insult you by asking why you couldn't sleep" Beck offered. He could see Jade was visibly tense and wanted to remove any expectation she might have that he expected her to talk about things.

"Thanks" Jade spoke so softly, Beck almost missed it. He tried to feign relaxation, stretching back in the chair only for his back to let out an almighty crack. Beck squeaked.

"Okay, that hurt"

Jade waited a beat.

"You can have some of my morphine, if you want".

Beck turned to her, half horrified and ready to gently but firmly point out why that was an awful idea but caught her meaningful look instead. It wasn't a classic Jade smirk; it was barely a glint in her eyes, but it didn't escape him.

"Very funny, I'm just going to see if there's a spare pillow in that cupboard".

He stood up gingerly, letting his back straighten slowly as he reached the cupboard. He pulled out a spare blanket with a half-smile and turned back to Jade, just as something pink caught his eye. He bent down and retrieved Cat's stuffed giraffe, bemused as to what it was doing so far from the bed. He opened his mouth and turned to look at Jade but shut it again rapidly as he noticed Jade was staring fixatedly out the window. As the pieces slotted into place, he quietly shut the cupboard and carried both the pillow and the giraffe back over. He set the pillow onto his chair and then, without speaking, placed the giraffe back onto the bed. Beck didn't quite know why she'd thrown the giraffe, but he was almost certain it was a spur of the moment action. He set about busying himself by arranging his pillow, finally settling with it folded into the small of his back; he chose not to comment when he looked back at the bed and saw Jade's hand playing with the soft fur of Mr Long Neck. He placed his hand next to Jade's and let his head fall back against the chair.

Jade wondered whether it was Beck's intention to fall asleep so soon after returning to the hospital. Admittedly, she was curious as to why Beck had encountered such a problem sleeping but she brushed it off. She was glad he hadn't questioned the giraffe on the floor, it was one of those moments where it brought home just how well he did know her; at least, in some respects. Jade let her eyes roam over him, he didn't look good. Jade played with the fur at her fingertips, alternating between the fluffy mane and soft body. She was acutely aware of his hand lying next to hers but felt torn as to whether she should pick it up or not. A small part of her really wanted to but a bigger part was too busy lambasting her for the weakness. It was intent on reminding her that Beck wasn't her boyfriend anymore, that he had left her, and she had no reason to trust him not to do it again. Her hand tightened around the giraffe, squeezing it, desperate to stem the tide of anxiety building up in her chest. It wasn't working, the giraffe was soft, but it wasn't enough. Impulsively, Jade relinquished her grip on the giraffe and slipped her hand under Beck's, carefully curling her fingers so she was holding it loosely. Instinctively and without so much as stirring, Beck's hand closed firmly around hers.

Jade sat and waited, expecting the wave of panic to break any second now. Beck's hand was warm and gentle over hers. His pulse point was resting on her wrist and she could feel the steady thrum as his heart worked tirelessly. The longer she sat, the more she realised that the tightness in her chest wasn't going anywhere. A deeper panic began to set in at the prospect of there being no real cure to what she was feeling.

'_How could you be so stupid?_' her inner voice was cold _'Why would you think holding someone's hand would solve anything?_'.

She looked down at their joined hands, pale skin against tan. It was like looking at night and day. Angry, she tried to extricate her hand from Beck's only to freeze as he stirred at the movement. She relented, not wanting to wake him up and she didn't actively dislike the feeling of her hand in his. Jade tried to re-settle into her pillows, shutting her eyes and taking a deep breath in an attempt to calm the unease which had now taken up residence inside her. She could hear Beck breathing quietly, and tried to match her own to it, counting the seconds of each inhale and exhale in her head. It wasn't the same as sleeping, but it was somewhat restful in comparison to all her attempts at sleep so far.

* * *

Mr West almost threw himself into his office chair. On autopilot he turned on the computer, opened his emails and started sorting through his inbox. He was about 6 emails deep before he was really aware of what he was doing. He paused mid-reply and looked around his office; it was an impressive space, designed to give the occupier a sense of power and intimidate visitors. The tall glass window that ran the length of the external wall provided awe-inspiring views of the city skyline and the bay beyond, but Mr West had never really spent time looking out; instead he opted to sit with his back to it all. Now, he sat staring at the opposite grey wall, listening to the hustle as the cleaning staff made way for the employees. For the first time he felt lost in the office, as though it was somehow bigger than him.

"Oh sorry, I didn't realise you were here"

The voice of his assistant, Carol, broke through Mr West's thoughts. He snapped his head towards her.

"Why wouldn't I be here?" he was unnecessarily brusk, irritated at his presence being questioned. Carol took a step beck, flustered.

"Sorry Mr West, but you're not often in this early on a Sunday" her eyes flicked to her watch, as if to confirm she'd read it correctly.

"Well I have important things to do" It was a juvenile defence and Mr West felt himself flush hot under the collar. Of course, she didn't know about Jade, she was just questioning about him being earlier than usual. Come to think of it, he wasn't even sure Carol knew he had a daughter; she had only been with him for the past six months.

"Have you spoken to your daughter?"

"What?" he snapped, the brief feeling of relief dissipating as quickly as it had come. Carol winced.

"Your daughter called yesterday, she asked that you return her call and I did leave a message on your cell" Carol trailed off, she was getting the distinct impression that she was treading on extremely fragile ground.

Mr West was momentarily stunned into silence. The fact that Jade had called his office herself had taken him completely by surprise. When he'd returned home the previous evening, he'd given his phone a cursory glance and ignored the hospital calls as they'd shown a withheld number. He had seen a missed call from the office but ignored it in favour of a shower. It was only when the 4th phone call in a row from the withheld number that he'd finally answered, intent on giving the caller a piece of his mind.

"Mr West?"

"That'll be all Carol".

Carol was surprised by the obvious dismissal but obeyed none-the-less, dropping his days files onto his desk and then heading back through the doorway.

Mr West felt a now familiar resurgence of anger, why had Jade not called him directly? She must have known she wouldn't get him at the office.

'She set me up to fail' he thought, it was the only way he could reconcile his daughter's actions in his mind.

'Well, she got what she wanted' he yanked the files towards him, practically ripping open the cover of the top document. His hand was shaking and, try as he might, he couldn't quite get the words to focus on the page in-front of him.

* * *

Jade heard the door open but kept her eyes closed, unwilling to break the quiet scrap of peace she'd managed to cultivate. She felt, rather than saw, the judgement of the newcomer who paused quite deliberately by the bed before letting out a small cough. Giving up, Jade opened her eyes and was met with the raised eyebrows of Nurse Emma who was looking half accusing, half exasperated between her and Beck.

"I thought I sent him home" she commented

"He hasn't been here all night, if that's what you mean"

"Hasn't he?" It was clear Emma didn't entirely believe her. As it was, Emma was not that bothered by it. She was more concerned for her young patient who had been through more than most. She was slightly bemused as to how he'd gotten into her room undetected, but she would take that up with the other nurses later. She moved to wake the sleeping boy, but Jade tried to stop her.

"Don't, he's only just got to sleep". Emma's eyebrows nearly disappeared into her hairline.

"I need to change you bandages, take your vitals and go through some exercises with you" her tone left no room for argument. It didn't escape her notice that their hands were interlocked.

"Mr Oliver, time to wake-up" she laid her hand on his shoulder and shook.

"Huh" Blearily, Beck opened his eyes and started when he was met with the stern glance of Nurse Emma. He looked across at Jade who was watching him quietly.

"Morning?" he questioned.

"I don't remember leaving you here last night Mr Oliver" Emma was unable to hide her accusatory tone. Beck's face flooded with guilt.

"I know, sorry, I did go home and sleep" he rushed "Well, sort of, but I woke up and" he left the end of the sentence hanging there, suddenly noticing Jade's hand in his.

"May I suggest you go and wash up whilst I do my job" It wasn't a suggestion, but her tone wasn't angry. Beck nodded, looking quickly at Jade who refused to meet his eyes but relinquished her hold on his hand; it was hard to get a read from her at that moment.

After Beck departed, Emma turned her full attention to Jade giving her a scrutinising glance. The purple bruising under her eyes stood out against her pale skin, betraying her lack of sleep.

"How much sleep did you get last night?"

"I don't know" Jade wasn't in a cooperative mood.

"Hmm, you need sleep, or you'll take longer to recover". Jade stayed quiet, opting to avoid eye contact, however Emma wasn't fazed.

"I'm going to give you some exercises to do with your arm, which should help your collarbone to heal" she produced a bag of ice "It'll hurt but after we will ice it, and we'll keep icing it throughout the day".

Jade maintained her silence as Emma took her through each exercises, only allowing herself the occasional wince. Emma hadn't been lying as pain radiated throughout her chest and arm, but Jade gritted her teeth, refusing to let it get the better of her. After it was done, Emma helped her have a quick wash of her face.

"Dr Griffiths will be along shortly to check your incision site, and you may get your other head dressing off for good". Jade barely acknowledged the words, her arm still on fire from the movement Emma had forced it through.

"You should try eating and drinking today, that way we can finish your IV's and get rid of some of the tubing". Jade nodded briefly.

"Don't force it though, drink small amounts and regularly and stay away from heavy or dairy rich foods". Emma eyed the stack of fruit-themed items left behind by Cat.

"Just see what you fancy" and with that she was gone.

* * *

Emma caught up with Dr Griffiths just outside her hospital room, she beckoned the nurse into the side room.

"How's Ms West doing?"

Emma gave her a brief run down on her physical condition, Dr Griffiths noticed immediately what was left unsaid.

"Did she sleep for long last night?". Emma shook her head.

"No, I don't know if she slept at all, it certainly doesn't look like it, but she refused a sleep aid".

Dr Griffiths frowned.

"Her boyfriend came back at some point though I'm not sure when, he was asleep in there this morning".

"I'm concerned that boy is her only support at the moment"

"It certainly seems that way" Emma agreed.

"I was concerned but after the altercation with her father yesterday, as long as he isn't causing a problem, we can probably relax the rules slightly, at least for now".

Emma matched her frown; she didn't know the details of exactly what had happened yesterday, but she understood that Mr West's visit had not been a harmonious one.

"Are the police going to be involved?" She questioned.

"Not at the moment, it's being seen as a tragic accident and while her father is absent he has come forward" Dr Griffiths rubbed her forehead "Unless we have a reason to suspect she is unsafe with her father, it goes no further as far as they're concerned"

"And do we have reason to suspect?"

"Not at the moment, but I will raise a concern if he doesn't reappear soon". Emma looked at her in disbelief, how could Dr Griffiths be saying she wasn't concerned based on everything that had happened. Dr Griffiths held up her hands in a surrender.

"I know, I know but in terms of box ticking and form filling, we don't actually have a basis for lodging a concern right now" She sighed.

"This all happened with her mother and, as much as an absentee father is despicable it isn't a crime".

"It should be"

"I agree but for now, we watch and wait".

They left the room just in time to see Beck returning to Jade's room. Emma lingered, watching through the window as Jade looked up. She was glad that it looked like Jade had someone who was there for her.

* * *

"I bought juice" Beck smiled weakly, proffering a cup in her direction. "That nurse told me off yesterday for supplying you with caffeine" he explained when Jade shot him a confused look. She took the cup from him but didn't show much interest in it.

"You feeling tired?"

"What do you think?"

"Alright, no need to get snappy" he made sure to keep his tone light and teasing, trying to pull her out of the funk, but as the words left his lips he winced; it definitely didn't come out right. However, Jade didn't really react.

"I had a conversation with Andre last night". That got a response as Jade turned to him.

"What did he want?"

"Mainly to know where I was, I forgot we were supposed to be working on a project yesterday". Jade considered this quietly.

"I had a missed call from him"

"Ah, he must have thought we were together"

"I don't know why" Jade spoke before she realised it, the words tumbling out of her mouth. Beck frowned, confused by her comment.

"It's not a total reach" he commented "I mean, we used to spend a lot of time together and what with you leaving school so suddenly as well".

Jade chose not to respond to that, unwilling to be drawn into a pointless argument. She couldn't help but feel a bit disappointed at Andre's reasoning for calling her, and it confused her. It was superficial really, which frustrated her, but she'd thought that maybe he'd been concerned about her. It was at war with her not wanting anyone to know her private business but, on the other hand she'd always considered Andre as something of a friend. She'd sung a lot of his songs for him in the early days and he'd always joined in with her and Beck on a laugh. Jade started to get angry again, angry that something so stupid was upsetting her.

"Jade, what's wrong?" Beck had noticed Jade's fist had clenched and her jaw was set.

"Nothing" she muttered.

"Don't lie to me, tell me what's going on in that head of yours" Again, he tried for levity and fell slightly short of the mark.

"Of course, Andre was only calling to find you" she said darkly. The image of the group at Karaoke Dokie flashed to the front of her mind. She'd all but forgotten with everything else going on but now, for some reason, it was shoved to the forefront of her thoughts. Unfortunately, Beck was still struggling to follow what Jade was thinking.

"Well it kinda makes sense" Jade's eyes flashed dangerously, her irritation growing.

"Yes, because you're all such good friends" This time, Beck didn't miss the venom in her voice.

"What are you even talking about?" his own irritation was starting to spike.

"Well you were all having such a good time at Karaoke Dokie the other night" Jade met Beck's stare full on as his confusion dissipated into a wince. How did Jade know about that? Perhaps Cat had told her?

"Wait, how did you even know about that?"

"Doesn't matter" she brushed off "It just made it clear where I stand in the group, or rather where I don't".

"It wasn't like that Jade" It was feeble, and Beck knew it. Hell, he'd spent time that evening feeling guilty that he was there, and Jade wasn't.

"Don't lie to me" Jade threw his earlier phrase back at him.

"We weren't trying to be mean, but they just thought it would be awkward with us both there"  
"They?" Beck gulped.

"Andre and Tori". That hurt, Jade couldn't deny it.

"Yes, and clearly, they chose you, so at least I know where I stand".

"Don't be like that, they do care about you, even Tori" Jade scoffed

"And they were both really worried when they found out" Beck suddenly shut his mouth.

"Found out what?" Jade's voice had dropped into a deadly calm, but her wrath was simmering just below the surface. Beck opened and shut his mouth a few times, wishing more than anything he could take back the words he'd just spoken. He'd had no intention of telling Jade the others knew, at least not yet. Still, the cat wasn't going to jump back into the bag.

"I called Andre last night and had to tell him, Tori was there so knows too"

"And what exactly did you tell them?"

"That you were in hospital, that you had surgery" he took a breath "and about your mom".

Jade sat stock still for a moment, barely even breathing. Beck held his breath.

"You shouldn't have told them" her voice was barely above a whisper.

"Oh, come on Jade, what was I supposed to do?" Beck's own frustration started to bleed through.

"How about nothing?" Jade raised her voice, turning her upper body towards him. "How about making something up? You had no right to go and spread my personal business around".

"Jade they're your friends!"

"Clearly they aren't" she was nearly shouting at him now, vaguely aware of the burning pain the straining was causing in her chest.

An uneasy silence fell between them as they wore almost identical glares. Beck took a few breaths to steady himself.

"They were going to find out at some point Jade" he spoke softly, as though afraid of her setting her off again.

"But you couldn't have asked me first? You couldn't have asked whether I wanted them to know?" her voice was quieter but had lost none of its bite.

"I'm sorry, I didn't think, and I screwed up" Beck apologised, he didn't completely understand but, he accepted he may have crossed a line; regardless of whether it was the best thing to do at the time.

Jade didn't respond but he could have sworn he saw some of the tension leave her body.

They stayed like that for a moment, but Beck's mind started to race, trying to pull together what Jade had just said about Karaoke Dokie. It had struck him as odd that she'd brushed off how she knew, instead of simply admitting Cat told her; unless Cat didn't tell her? He thought back to her storming out of the school, to him going through her locker and all of a sudden it was like Beck had been slapped around the face.

"Jade, how did you know about Karaoke Dokie?" He watched her carefully and saw as her face flinched. It was an almost imperceptible movement, but he knew Jade very well, he knew the tells when she didn't want give something up.

"Jade" his voice was firm.

"It doesn't matter"

"I think it does, because Cat didn't tell you anything". Jade moved her gaze back to the wall but shook her head.

"You haven't told me everything, have you?"

"I've told you the important bits" she snapped, still refusing to look at him.

"So, tell me the unimportant bits?" Beck took her hand, but she shrugged him off. "Please?".

Another moment of quiet but then Jade started to talk.

"I was passing by, I needed to use the bathroom and I saw you all in there"

"Why were you passing by Karaoke Dokie? It's nowhere near your house?"

"I was trying to get hold of Cat" her voice wavered slightly on the last word. Throwing caution to the wind, Beck moved onto the side of her bed and perched awkwardly but forcing her to look at him. Jade went quiet but Beck wasn't giving up that easily.

"The paramedics said this looked older" he'd reached his hand up and gently traced the area around the dressing of the gash on the top of Jade's head. The wound that had been caused when her mother had thrown the glass tumbler at her. Jade moved her head just out of Beck's reach, now meeting his eyes. In that moment, she hated him. Hated how much he cared. Hated that he couldn't just leave her alone.

Reluctantly, she started to tell him about her mother coming home high and the argument, the throwing of the glass. To his credit, Beck tried hard not to react, not wanting to interrupt and put Jade off. Guilt filled him as Jade described trying to call Cat, ending up in the bathroom at Karaoke Dokie and then spending the night in school. He chose not to mention that he'd been through her locker, that one he'd save for another day. He opened his mouth, although unsure of what exactly he wanted to say when Jade cut across him.

"I don't want your pity" her voice was curt and cold.

"Why didn't you call me?" The question caught both of them by surprise. Jade fixed him with a look that was reminiscent of the ones she used to give him when he'd done something that she found particularly idiotic.

"Why would I? We broke up months ago" Her words were plainly stated, almost emotionless but Beck felt as though he'd been punched.

"That doesn't mean you couldn't call me if you were in trouble?" Jade just stared at him and Beck felt the irritation spike again.

"Jesus Christ Jade we were together for over two years; doesn't that mean anything to you?".

Jade blinked, caught off guard at Beck's audacity to lecture her about the sanctity of their relationship when he was the one to end it.

"You're kidding me, right? We've barely spoken in two months and you expected me to call you up and tell you, what exactly?" She was breathing heavily now, glaring at him.

"You ignored me as much as I did you, I thought you wanted to space?"

"Me want space?" Jade snorted derisively "You were the one who felt the need to announce you weren't happy in our relationship".

Beck internally winced at that particular memory, something he'd regretted several times since he'd said it.

"Well I suppose it makes sense, you apparently never trusted me enough to share this with me anyway" Beck's mouth was starting to run away with him, but now they'd started it was like he couldn't stop himself. The anger and insecurity that had been simmering away for the past two days was finally bubbling over, and there wasn't anything he could do to stop it.

Jade was stunned at the mixture of venom and hurt in his voice. Contrary to popular belief, Beck had always given as good as he got in their numerous arguments in their relationship. Still, while they'd bickered a lot of the time, the big arguments were few and far between. She wanted to empathise with him, but Jade was far too angry for that.

"Oh, right so this is my fault, just like everything else was in our relationship" she spat "You know what Beck, it's no wonder I didn't tell you because you did exactly what everyone does, you left".

The accusation was thrown, and Beck felt like he'd had the wind knocked out of him. His anger dissipated within seconds as it finally dawned on him the depths of the insecurity Jade had been facing. He'd been busy quietly nursing his wounded pride that she'd not trusted him, but not until now was he actually starting to understand why.

"Am I interrupting something?"

Beck and Jade had been so caught up in the argument, they'd failed to hear Dr Griffiths come through the door. As it was, the Doctor had been making her rounds and was alerted to the raised voices within the room. The silence now filling the room was charged and awkward. Dr Griffiths surveyed the two, quickly trying to get a read on the situation.

"Mr Oliver, could you step outside I need to do a check-up".

For a moment, it looked like Beck would object but he made a sudden move towards the door.

"How are you feeling today Jade?"

It was the first time the Doctor used Jade's first name, which succeeded in getting her attention. Jade looked at the doctor still unsure how to answer the question that she hated so much.

"How is your pain level?" Dr Griffiths prompted "Better or worse than yesterday?"

"Better" Jade said shortly.

"The nurse said you didn't sleep much last night" Dr Griffiths kept her tone breezy as she inspected the surgical incision at the base of her skull; it was beginning to heal nicely. She carefully removed the dressing from the wound on the other side of Jade's head, pleased to see that the stitches were doing their job well.

"Jade, I'm going to schedule you a session with the mental health and trauma team".

"I don't need one" The words were automatic, and Dr Griffiths was almost caught off guard, certain that was the most she'd heard Jade say in one go so far.

"I disagree" her tone was firm "You haven't slept, you don't seem to want to engage with anyone and you've been through something most people wouldn't even dream of". Her gaze softened

"I'm not doing this to punish you, I'm doing it because I know it will help you".

Jade glared at the Doctor for a moment, before firmly refocusing her eyes out the window. Dr Griffiths internally sighed.

"I've taken the dressing off of the top of your head, the stiches are healing, and it will do better exposed to the air" She flipped back to her business-like tone. Jade ignored her, finding an unusual amount of interest in the clouds resting in the sky.

"One last thing, I don't know what I walked in on between you and Mr Oliver but" Dr Griffiths paused, trying to ensure she got her wording right. "This hospital should be a safe place for you, if that becomes not the case then you need to tell either me or one of the nurses".

She waited a beat but got no response. She was halfway across the room before Jade spoke.

"Beck's not like that" The words were softly spoken, and almost bitter in tone. "He's just upset because he thinks I wasn't fair to him".

"And were you?" Dr Griffiths knew she was taking a risk, but she felt compelled to try.

"Maybe".

Dr Griffiths bowed her head in understanding and left the room, unsurprised when she passed Beck standing right outside in the corridor.

* * *

**So, I had a bit of a drama with this chapter, as I wrote loads and couldn't work out if I liked the pace or not. It's a difficult journey for both Jade and Beck trying to sort out through a lot of complex emotions, so I hope I'm conveying that. Anyway, I finally decided where I wanted to split it so hopefully you all have enjoyed reading the next segment in Jade's story. **

**Thank you so much for the lovely reviews people left on the last chapter, and everyone who reads it whether you leave a review or not. It means a lot to see people reading your work. So, do let me know your thoughts if you fancy **** Hope you're all staying safe and healthy!**


	16. Chapter 16

Beck re-entered the room, the pit of guilt and frustration weighing heavily in his stomach. Jade didn't look up as he entered but he took his place on the seat next to her anyway. The silence was still awkward, but the atmosphere no longer charged. A part of Beck wanted to launch straight back to where they'd left off, but it was wrestling with an instinct to keep quiet; Jade clearly wasn't ready to carry on and he didn't feel like he should force it. He could tell Jade was thinking about something, although he wasn't sure exactly what. Her face was twitching every now and then, forming half frowns that would disappear almost as quickly as they came. He'd lost count of the amount of times he'd woken before her and watched her do it in her sleep, dreaming he'd always deduced. He felt something snap inside him, like a coiled wire springing free as it reminded him of the numerous reasons, he missed her.

'But' he chastised himself 'Now is not the time for that'. As far as Beck was concerned, he'd already created enough issues today by drawing her into an argument.

"The doctor wants me to see a therapist".

Jade's voice caught Beck by surprise; he hadn't been expecting her to say anything to him at all, for a while at least. He considered her statement.

"Do you want to see a therapist?" Beck went for the non-confrontational approach.

"No" The response was somewhat predictable. Beck decided to push it no further.

"But I think I have to". Beck's inner monologue nearly passed out, as that was the last thing he thought would have come out of Jade West's mouth. He tried desperately to play it cool on the outside.

"Okay" It was simple and somehow just what Jade needed. They looked at each other. Beck gave her a small smile, supportive and friendly. Somewhere deep inside Jade, she felt a small burst of gratitude. She didn't smile back but she did feel the corners of her mouth lift slightly before she resumed staring out of the window. Beck settled back in the chair, content now to sit in comfortable quiet with the girl who he thought meant more to him than he'd ever previously realised.

The day passed relatively quickly compared to the previous one. Cat hadn't made it in to visit but had been blowing up Jade's phone with almost minute-by-minute updates sometimes as to what she was up to. Beck read most of them out to Jade and composed a lot of the replies. Jade hadn't spoken much beyond occasionally commenting on Cat's antics, but she had made an effort to eat some lunch. Beck never thought he'd be so happy to see someone consume a fruit cup and some orange juice. He'd only seen her check her messages herself a few times and each time she would tap her father's contact button, but nothing ever showed up. Beck felt an equal mix of fury and hopelessness every time she did checked but stopped himself from commenting; she didn't need to deal with his emotions alongside her own. As the sun finally started to dip below the horizon, Beck's thoughts turned to the next day which was, unfortunately, a Monday. He didn't want to leave Jade alone for her own benefit as much as his, but he wasn't sure whether he had a choice in the matter. He had been meaning to phone his parents but had been putting it off, unsure of how understanding they would be if he told them he wanted to skip school for his ex-girlfriend.

Jade had lost all track of the day and wouldn't have known the time if it hadn't been for the clock on the wall. She had been alternating between dozing and being awake throughout the day, leaving her disorientated; she realised she could tell how tired she was by how in-focus the numbers on the clock face were. She was mildly surprised that Beck had barely left all day; even when he'd gone for food, he'd been back in what seemed like no time at all. She was glad that he had been content to sit in quiet for most of the day and hadn't initiated any further conversations about their relationship; she didn't have the energy for any more arguments. She turned her head to see him deep in thought, almost unblinking as he stared off into the distance.

She opened her mouth to say something but was interrupted by Nurse Emma walking through the door. Beck jumped like he'd received an electric shock.

"Right Beck, time for you to pop off now"

Beck felt his heart sink, after the previous night he was even less inclined to leave than he had been before. Jade was also unimpressed at Beck having to go again, there was something about his presence that was making the situation just a little bit easier to bare. She felt slightly more grounded and, dare she say it, calmer while Beck was sitting in the chair beside her bed. Her brain was still caught in a fog of its own making, she had more lucid moments where thoughts were easier to form and track, but they were overshadowed by the constant feeling of exhaustion and an emptiness that she just couldn't shake. Having Beck sitting there with no expectation was just taking the edge off of the fog. Jade would never admit it, but the thought of having to spend another night alone and staring into the darkness was terrifying.

Emma surveyed the situation as Beck made no move to get up and Jade's face had taken on a subtle tension. She thought back to her earlier conversation with Dr Griffiths about relaxing rules and decided it was time to throw them a bone.

"How about you get off home for a few hours?" She directed to Beck "Shower and sort a change of clothes then I'll see about getting you a better chair".

Beck looked up at Emma in surprise, momentarily unsure what to say. He turned to Jade, looking at her for any confirmation that she was okay with the idea. Jade had been listening, but it took her a moment to understand the implications of what the nurse was saying; when she did, she felt her insides unclench slightly. Suddenly aware that the other two people in the room were watching her, she looked up to meet Beck's gaze.

"Okay then"

"Okay" Beck smiled, feeling relief from a tension he didn't know he was holding. After a day of relative silence following their argument, Jade's agreement felt like more of a confirmation that she didn't entirely hate him. He grabbed his wallet off the side and was halfway out the room before he spun around on his heel.

"Jade, do you want me bring you anything?" At her confused look he clarified, "I could swing past yours and get some bits for you". There was another moment of that all too common silence they kept experiencing, only this time it was as they both remembered the last time they'd been in the house. Sensing the awkwardness, Emma stepped in.

"Perhaps you'd like some toiletries and another set of pyjamas?" Addressing Jade directly.

"Uh, yeah" Jade agreed quietly, struggling as she remembered the state her room was in.

"It's alright, I'm sure I'll know where to find things" Beck met Jade's gaze and an understanding passed between them; Beck knew exactly where Jade's apprehension had come from.

"Right, get going then" Emma ushered him along with a small shake of her head. Jade watched him go, eyes fixed on the door for a few moments after it had shut behind him. She didn't realise Emma had started to speak to her.

"so if you're happy then we can just change it in the morning?" At Jade's blank expression, Emma realised she hadn't been with it.

"Your clothes?".

Jade simply nodded, leaning her head back onto the bed.

"We need to do a few of those exercises from this morning again, but then you're done for the day with that". Emma took her through them but was becoming increasingly concerned by Jade's apathy. As they finished, Emma moved into the chair previously occupied by Beck, sitting on the edge under the guise of checking her remaining head dressing.

"Jade, did you manage to eat and drink today?"

"A little"

It wasn't a lie, Jade had drunk the juice Beck had brought, and she was sure she'd had a cup of water at some point as well. She even remembered eating a fruit cracker from Cat's fruit-themed hoard.

"Have you slept at all?"

Jade had to think about that, genuinely unsure as to whether she'd slept or simply had her eyes shut. Emma mistook Jade's silence for a refusal to answer and an implication of no sleep.

"Jade, I can't imagine how hard this is for you, but you need to try harder to rest and look after yourself, or it will take so much longer to heal"

Heal.

Healing seemed like an odd concept to Jade. How could she heal if she could barely remember the last time she was whole?

Normally, a lecture such as Emma's would be met with a sarcastic comment and rude attitude from Jade but for some reason it never left her mouth. Instead she found herself saying something entirely different.

"I can't remember, is that normal?"

"What can't you remember?" Emma's clinical brain was suddenly on alert.

"I just" Jade struggled to find the words "I feel like everything is foggy and I keep forgetting what's going on around me" she bounced her fist lightly off the bed covers in frustration "but other times I can't stop thinking about it and it's like my head is screaming and I can't shut it up".

Emma felt her heart go out to her.

"Unfortunately, that's all part of the process". She tentatively laid a reassuring hand on Jade's still clenched wrist.

"You've gone through more than physical trauma; you've had emotional trauma and grief as well and your brain is struggling to make sense of it all and find the best way to protect you"

"I don't feel protected" Jade said quietly

"No and that's one of the worst things about it" She paused, regarding Jade carefully "But, you will eventually come out the other side".

Jade looked at her and there was no hiding the look of blatant disbelief within her eyes.

"Would you like something to help you sleep tonight"

"No" Emma could have predicted the answer.

"Okay, that's fine for now but if you carry on having trouble, you may have no choice"

Emma rose and left, leaving Jade feeling decidedly uneasy. It wasn't in her nature to open up to strangers, or anyone really but something about the fact Emma was a relative stranger seemed to have forced her hand. Strangely, she felt no relief or even reassurance from Emma telling her that her reaction was normal. The way she's spoken of 'coming out of the other side' seemed completely foreign to Jade. At this point she couldn't even see the other side, let alone get to it.

* * *

Beck drove along the highway into the hills, his improved mood steadily dispersing as he got closer to Jade's house. He'd been in and out of his RV in almost record time, practically jumping through the shower and packing a bag with little thought beyond the essentials and his Pearbook. He'd felt practically uplifted at the thought of not having to spend a night alone with his thoughts in the RV, he'd even remembered to text his Mum an update; although he'd been sparse on the details as to his sleeping arrangements and his reluctance to attend school in the morning. However, now faced with the prospect of returning to the place which he saw every time he closed his eyes or let his mind wander, he was struggling to hold on to his more positive outlook. All too soon, he was pulling up the large drive, now with only Jade's car parked on it. He dug Jade's keys out of his pocket and took a deep breath as he pushed open the door.

The first thing that struck Beck as he crossed over the threshold was the still and imposing quiet of the house. The second was the absence of the puddle of Jade's blood. Beck blinked, not believing what he was seeing, or rather what he wasn't seeing. Forgetting his reason for entering in the first place, he walked over to the bottom of the stairs, feeling completely dazed. There was no blood and none of Jade's clothes which hadn't made it to the hospital because they'd also been covered in blood. Beck staggered backwards, his heart racing. For a short moment, Beck wondered if this really had all been a very elaborate dream but that was dashed almost immediately as he caught site of something shiny out of the corner of his eye. Plastic wrapping from one of the various dressings used by the paramedics.

'Maybe their cleaner has been in?' Beck wondered, although mildly horrified at the thought of a cleaner walking into a pool of blood. Who knows what they might have thought?

Still feeling a little unsteady, Beck diverted to the kitchen for a glass of water. The kitchen looked normal enough, although Beck had never really spent that long in there. As he reached for a glass, he realised they looked like that had been hastily stuffed onto shelves. Beck frowned. As he approached the faucet, he saw the still-damp bucket standing in the sink and he realised that someone had definitely been cleaning up. Refusing to look at it longer than he had to, he filled the glass and then drained it in a few gulps. Trying to get his head straight, he resumed his original plan and headed upstairs.

Unfortunately, Jade's room was exactly how he remembered leaving it, if not worse as he now had time to take in the scope of the mess. He wasn't sure how a mess of that scale had been caused, or rather by who. He'd seen Jade get angry and lose her temper, he'd even seen her throw things on occasion but trashing her own room almost beyond repair didn't seem to fit. Realising it would be impractical to try and sort through Jade's things with the room as it was, Beck pushed his long sleeves out the way and crouched down, attempting to sweep the broken glass to one side with a book. He ignored the pang he felt when he recognised the cover of the book as an early edition of 'The Pit and the Pendulum' by Edgar Allan Poe, a gift he'd bought for Jade from a rare book shop in Vancouver. Jade had claimed that day that the book was only the second thing Canada had in its favour, and it had taken until Beck had returned home that evening to realise the first 'thing' she was talking about was him. The memory now seemed worlds away as Beck wrestled with overturned furniture, wincing every time something else crunched under his feet, He was under no illusion that he could not return the room to its normal state, but he wanted something that was at least workable.

* * *

Mr West sat staring fixatedly at his computer screen despite the fact it had been showing the same text for the last half hour. He was vaguely aware of the sounds of the last of the staff who had been in the office packing up; no one was required to work weekends but, working for an elite corporate criminal law firm, it was pretty much a given. Carol lingered by her desk, peering through the doorway but keen to stay out of sight of her boss. She was no longer a green employee, but she didn't feel like Mr West was the sort of boss you got to know very much about. He never offered comment about his life outside of work, to the point at which she wasn't entirely convinced he even had one. At the same time, he never responded to the odd comment she made about hers; He was all business, all the time. However, still being in the office at 7pm on a Sunday was out of character, even for him. He usually preferred to work from home on the weekends and would only pop into the office for a few hours in the middle of the day if he needed to. As it was, Carol never usually stayed this late either but with Mr West's sudden appearance and then lack of disappearance, she had assumed a new high priority case had arrived and needed his attention. Yet Mr West had never left his office or had any meetings to brief juniors, nor requested anything of her all day.

'It as all very odd' Carol thought thoroughly perplexed and a little irritated at having wasted the last of her weekend. Gathering herself, she decided to show face one last time and see if she could get an inkling of what was going on.

"I'm off for the night Mr West" She breezed walking into his office "I'll see you in the morning".

It took a moment for Mr West to respond.

"What? Oh, have a good evening" he said distractedly. Carol paused, concerned by the vacant expression on his face.

"Mr West, is everything okay?"

Unlike her previous statement, that got a reaction.

"Everything is fine" he snapped "Goodnight Carol".

Recognising the dismissal for what it was, Carol beat a hasty retreat waiting until she was out of sight to shake her head, wishing he would stop taking his odd mood out on her.

Back in his office, Mr West sat angrily clicking around his screen but not really achieving anything. His mind was far too distracted, internally ranting about the audacity of Carol trying to poke her nose into his personal business.

'She doesn't know anything about me, how dare she try to get involved' he was fuming, his temper burning fast and bright.

'It'll be all over the building by tomorrow lunchtime'.

Mr West had always maintained a professional distance from the employees under him, and to some extent those above him too although being familiar with the rest of the partners was unavoidable to ensure a smooth ride. Still, he detested distractions and embarrassing gossip about his personal life was definitely a distraction from the hard-working image he'd crafted over the last 8 years.

Practically throwing his chair back, Mr West strode over to the window, resisting the urge to throw something in his frustration. He felt like a stranger in his own skin, a feeling he wasn't at all familiar with, and it had started the second he'd stepped out of his daughter's hospital room. No matter how hard he had tried to focus his mind all day, it kept straying back to Jade. The blood had been shocking enough but the image that really haunted him was of his daughter in the hospital bed. She was pale, paler than he'd ever remembered seeing her. He'd always found her to be a tough and obstinate individual, uncommunicative and defiant in equal measure. He saw her as someone who would go to any lengths to get under his skin. However, seeing her swamped by hospital sheets, bandaged and unable to maintain eye contact had affected him more than he cared to admit. To him, she had suddenly seemed much younger than her 17 years.

As he stood in that hospital room, he'd barely heard the words she'd shouted at him, unable to focus on anything other than her eyes. For some reason he'd been transported back to the day he'd walked out of the home for good, the very same day he'd filed for divorce from her mother. He'd been packing an overnight bag and had seen a pair of big green eyes peering at him through the crack between the bedroom door and doorframe. He'd ignored her, letting her watch him pack in silence, not knowing what to say. He'd all but finished his packing when she finally spoke.

"Please don't go".

The words should have stopped him in his tracks, should have overwhelmed him with guilt at the family falling apart, but Mr West had long since shut his heart off to those kind of emotions.

"It's time to grow up Jade" he'd replied shortly "I'm leaving, nothing lasts forever" and with that he picked up his bag and walked out of her life.

The last thing he remembered was hearing the slam of her bedroom door as he'd made his way down the stairs. At the time he'd filed the whole interaction away, boxed it up into a far corner of his mind but now it was all he could think of. He couldn't shake the similarity between his nine-year-old daughter pleading with him to stay and the broken 17-year-old yelling at him, telling him exactly how he'd failed her. He'd left the room with a buzzing in his ears, an almost tunnel-like vision as he almost ran towards the nearest exit. He knew her boyfriend had followed him, shouting something but he hadn't stuck around long enough to find out what. Now, as he stood looking out over the city, Mr West struggled to keep a hold on his emotions, emotions he'd spent years supressing; he felt like his life was spinning out of control.

* * *

Beck drove back to the hospital somewhat calmer than his previous journey home. The manic energy was beginning to dissipate, and a tiredness was creeping back in. A bag of Jade's things sat safely on the back seat. In the end he had struggled to decide what to pack, between the situation being unprecedented and the chaos of her room, but he was reasonably happy that he had made some good choices. He made sure she had comfortable clothes, her phone charger, laptop and some of her favourite books. He'd deliberated over packing her favourite pair of scissors, but he ultimately decided that it wasn't a good idea, who knew what trouble they would cause if the nurses found them.

He arrived back at Jade's room to find her almost exactly how he'd left her, but with the addition of a dinner tray. Looking at it, Beck felt his stomach grumble slightly, reminding him he hadn't had all that much in the way of food today.

"I got your stuff" it was said in lieu of greeting, as Jade hadn't looked up at him as he came through the door.

"Thanks" he could see her fiddling with something, but not what. He wandered over to the bed, trying to act casual as he set the bags down.

"Anything good for dinner?" He asked but with raised eyebrows once he saw most of the food was still in its little packets on the plastic tray, the hot main also apparently untouched.

"It smells like rotting baby sick"

Beck couldn't hold back a snort at that, the aroma from the food was suddenly making him less interested in eating.

"Do you want something from Cat's hoard?"

Jade finally met his eyes, only to glare at him.

"I ate the fruit and drank the juice, what more do you want?"

Beck backed up, realising he had sounded like he was nagging.

"I didn't mean anything, just thought you might want something more appetising than, well, that" he gestured to the tray. Jade dropped her glare but didn't say anything further.

Beck placed the bag of her things on the bed and was about to ask if she needed more help when the door opened to reveal two orderlies carrying in a larger looking chair to the one that was already sitting by the bed. Without speaking, they swapped the chairs over and presented Beck with a blanket before nodding at him and leaving.

"I guess that's me sorted for the night then" Beck said, staring at the now shut door, slightly bemused. He turned back to the chair and noted it's obvious reclining mechanism, giving Beck hope that this chair would be more tolerable than its counterpart. Realising Jade hadn't said anything in all of this, he looked at her concerned when he saw focused on her hand again.

"Are you sure you're okay with this? Because I can go if you'd rather be on your own?"

Jade looked up again, this time not missing the insecurity in his voice.

"No, it's fine" Beck didn't move, still looking unsure.

"It's fine" Jade insisted "I don't think I want to be on my own for another night" she admitted quietly. Beck almost bit his tongue as he resisted the urge to provide instant comfort and reassurance, instead settling on a half-smile and then became almost comically involved in organising the few things he'd brought in his own bag.

Jade watched him for a moment before turning her attention back to her phone. She didn't know how long she'd been doing it, but she had got into a ritual now. Turn the phone onto its back, then onto its front and then back again, hit the button to light the screen up and then flick it off and repeat ad infinitum. It was tiring and she didn't know what she was expecting to see, if anything, but there was a small comfort in repeating the action over and over.

"Do you want me to get rid of that?" Beck gestured to the tray. Jade nodded, not wanting to have to smell her 'dinner' for any longer than possible. Using her good hand, she pulled the bag towards her and sorted through until she found her toilet bag. Emma had helped her clean her teeth and wash up earlier, which was mildly irritating given it was before she was supposed to eat, but she was glad for the familiar items.

"Thanks"

"No worries" Beck had been hovering, hoping he hadn't forgotten anything.

"Do you need a hand with anything?"

"I want something warmer, did you-"

"Yeah I put your big jacket in there" Beck interrupted "It's at the bottom".

Jade yanked and a large black and fluffy monstrosity emerged; it was the kind of jacket Jade swore she'd deny owning if under oath. The jacket had been a joke between her and Beck, sourced from a thrift store in Northridge, Beck had pulled it from the racks claiming she should buy it as she was always cold in the evenings. Jade had taken it off him, with the intention of throwing it back at him, but had been distracted by the extreme softness of the faux fluff. After 10 minutes of playful back and forth, a few death threats and $15 dollars later, Jade and Beck had left the store with the jacket and Beck sworn to secrecy. It didn't stop his smug smile every time Jade would slide the jacket out of her closet but that was, until she informed him that if he kept it up, she would replace him with the jacket permanently as it did a good job of keeping her warm.

Now though, a very different scene was unfolding as Jade struggled to position the jacket to even get her good arm in.

"Can I help?" Beck asked tentatively and Jade froze for a moment, before nodding. Beck approached and carefully moved the jacket behind her, enabling her to slide her good arm in.

"Do you want your other arm in?"

"No that'll hurt too much"

"Okay"

He gently lent over and moved the jacket around her sling, as it was roomy enough to encompass her whole arm and still meet in the middle. Jade found her head suddenly inches away from Beck's chest, she swore she could almost feel the warmth coming off of him. It had always been a source of amusement to her that Beck often seemed like he could generate more heat than the sun whereas she was almost cold-blooded. Beck must have noticed how close his movement had put them as she saw his pulse on his neck jump slightly. He withdrew, making sure the jacket was almost closed around her front. Beck cleared his throat

"Do you want it zipped?"

Jade shook her head again, settling back against her pillow.

"I'm going to go get changed".

The door to the corridor closed and Jade let out a breath. She was feeling distinctly unsettled again. The sun had long since set and the harsh lights of the room were making her head hurt again but she didn't want them turned off. Her mind kept wandering back to the previous night and the continuing cycle of thoughts that had tormented her all night. She remembered the numbness and the darkness and was in no rush to revisit any of it. She pulled the jacket closer with her good hand and then felt around for her phone, resuming her earlier pattern of flipping and button pressing. Flip, Flip, click.

She could hear the damn clock again. The ticking against the silence, the rest of the hospital beginning to fall quiet as the nightshift began. A shiver ran through her; Flip, Flip, click.

Her thoughts betrayed her in a heartbeat, sending her back to the last argument she'd had with her mother and then to every other one. It was jumbled, snippets stretching back across the years; she moved her phone more forcefully. Flip, Flip, click.

It was like every harsh word, every time she'd ever lashed out at her mother was replaying through her head; the guilt was overwhelming. It was jarring against the backdrop for memories of all the insults her mother had thrown at her, at every time she tore her down. The weight in her chest was getting heavier. Flip, Flip, click.

How could she live like this?

Jade was so distracted by her thoughts, Beck's return to the room had gone unnoticed. A familiar frown graced his face as he noticed Jade seemingly transfixed by the wall while her hand flipped her phone repeatedly, obsessively.

"Jade?"

Concerned by her lack of response Beck moved swiftly across the room, planting himself on the opposite side of the bed and firmly in her eyeline.

"Jade?"

Her face suddenly jerked towards him, her hand never faltering. The vulnerability in her eyes hit Beck like a freight train. The fire that he was so used to seeing, to fighting, to loving was long gone.

It frightened him.

They stayed like that for a moment, Beck was only aware of her penetrating gaze and the soft thumps as her phone hit the mattress. Jade tried desperately to break out of her thoughts, exhausted from the continuous torment. She could see Beck in front of her, the concern practically bleeding from his eyes, but it all seemed just out of reach.

"What are you thinking? Tell me where your thoughts are?" his soft voice broke through, but she continued just to look at him. Flip, Flip, click.

Firmly yet gently, Beck moved his hand across and set it down on her wrist, effectively ceasing her movements. Almost as though she didn't immediately notice, Jade's wrist jerked until it realised it was restrained. The spike in anxiety brought her crashing back to the present.

"Let go"

Beck hesitated, warring inside himself over her wishes against what might have been her best interest. He relaxed his grip but slipped his hand down into hers and held it. Jade looked down at them.

"Where did you go?" he asked

"Somewhere I can't seem to escape"

Beck was surprised she'd answered him, even more shocked that she'd answered honestly and not just tried to brush him off.

"All I can think about is all the awful things I said to her, and everything she said to me" Jade's voice came out in a rush, her words almost tripping over each other.

"and it's like I can't breathe because of the guilt but then I get so angry and I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to be feeling" she bit out the last of the sentence, feeling the anger coming over her again in waves.

"She was my mom" her voice caught "but she nearly killed me". Jade's head snapped up, her grip on Beck's hand suddenly tightened almost unbearably.

"What's wrong with me?" the desperation in her voice was plain and Beck felt his chest clench painfully.

Without thinking he drew her into a tight embrace, tucking her head under his chin. He tried to be mindful of her sling, but it seemed like Jade was too far gone to care.

'There is nothing wrong with you" the words were low but firm. "There's no script for this, whatever you feel, you feel".

The words felt almost too philosophical to provide any real comfort, and Beck felt woefully inadequate as he held her slightly trembling body close to his.

Jade could feel the steady beat of his heart under her head, the comforting warmth bleeding from his body to hers as she accepted his embrace. It wasn't a movie, nothing was miraculously solved but, for the first time all day, Jade felt something akin to hope break through for a split second, before the emptiness chased it away again.

They must have stayed like that for a while. Beck was vaguely aware of the tightening of various muscles in his back from the odd angle he was sustaining over the bed, but he ignored them, determined he would stay there all night if he had to. Eventually, Beck felt her tense and he knew she would be withdrawing inside herself again, but he let her go. To his surprise, she didn't move to release his hand and only loosened her grip slightly.

"Thanks" her lips barely moved

"You're going to get through this Jade"

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because I know you and you are strong"

Jade couldn't bring herself to meet his eyes. He had such belief in her, something she couldn't even fathom anymore; it just added to the weight in her chest. She just wanted everything to stop, a release from everything.

Beck felt the change in her again but was determined not to let her slip back to that place.

"Right, what shall we do now?"

The words we so unexpected, Jade couldn't help but look at him with confusion. He shrugged.

"It's painfully clear that neither of us want to sleep right now, I mean-" he checked his watch "It's gone 11 we might as well find something to distract ourselves with".

He moved away and started rifling through his bag. Jade missed his hand almost immediately, but she couldn't quite hate herself for it like she had earlier.

"Ah ha" Triumphant, Beck pulled a battered paperback from its depths.

"You still have that?"

"Of course" he replied cockily, casting his eyes over the book adaptation of Jade's favourite movie, The Scissoring. He knew Jade's obsession with the movie went beyond the gore and horror, although that helped considerably. The script had been adapted exceptionally well, and the film was expertly done. When they'd first started dating, Beck had wanted to impress Jade with his knowledge of the film, but he tried to watch it on his own and barely made it past the first half hour. Not wanting to seem like a wimp, he'd found the book adaptation of the script online and ordered it, it was almost identical to the film but more palatable without the accompanying visuals. It had worked well in the beginning, he studied it harder than he'd studied for most of his classes, but he'd come unstuck when Jade went into detail about imagery and staging within the film.

Jade had laughed at him when she'd found out, having found the copy hastily stuffed down the side of his couch. She'd been in disbelief that anyone could not like the film and made him watch it with her. Beck still didn't like the film at the time but found that it was greatly improved than watching it on his own. Even then, he'd spent more time watching Jade react to the film than watching it himself, finding something that was completely captivating about her when she was so absorbed in it. By now, the film didn't bother him at all but Jade still held a love and fascination for it. It was an odd comfort blanket if ever there was one, but Beck knew that it was her go to film. He opened it to the first page and settled into the chair, reclining it slightly.

"Ready?"

Jade just stared at him.

"What?"

"You're just going to read it all night?" the disbelief was written across her face.

"That's my plan, any objections?"

Jade opened her mouth before shutting it again rapidly. She shook her head.

Beck allowed himself a small smile before starting to read aloud. He knew he was no great narrator, preferring specific parts to act over third person prose, but he knew it so well it was hardly an effort.

Jade let his voice wash over her, the words familiar and the tone soothing, an interesting juxtaposition to the gore he was often describing. She followed the story with ease, remembering her favourite scenes from the film as though she was watching them for the first time. Jade felt her eyelids start to droop at the beginning of the second act, as Beck's voice started to melt away around her and the darkness enveloped her.

* * *

**Okay, there it is. I hope you all like it. As always thank you so much to everyone who is reading, and everyone who is reviewing, you guys really do help the process go faster and make me smile. Please Carry on leaving feedback, I love hearing your thoughts. **

**To the reviewer who suggested Beck bring her scissors, I did really consider it but then figured that would cause a lot of problems if found by the nurses so I settled on the book of her favourite film instead. **


	17. Chapter 17

Mr West sat glaring at the revolving door. If anyone else had been around, they would have wondered what it was about a door that could incur such a wrath from a man. Although potentially, given that it was a hospital entrance, they would have suspected inner emotional turmoil as the reason behind his vicious stare. As it was, at 5am there were not that many people around, and those who were barely noticed his tense figure occupying the bench. Even Mr West wasn't sure why he was there. He'd come to the hospital with every intention of just ensuring the paperwork was sorted but now he was sat outside the main doors, fuming quietly, although he wasn't entirely sure why. His hands were clenched around the bench, feet fixed to the floor.

'This is ridiculous' he thought 'I just need to go in there and sort the paperwork, there's nothing else I need to do' His grip tightened, and he felt a sweat break out under the collar of his previously crisply ironed shirt.

'That's all she expects anyway, all she thinks of me, the bank roll' his thoughts were bitter but traced with doubt. Her words from over a day ago still ringing in his ears, reminding him that the narrative he'd spent years building was crumbling around him.

He was confused, and that only angered him further. Confused as to how he could feel so guilty when as far as he was aware, he hadn't done anything wrong. Sure, he'd exited her life at a young age, but how was he supposed to know Amanda had come unstuck? Neither of them ever contacted him unless they wanted money. Once or twice he'd tried to include Jade but she'd acted out every single time, clearly wanting nothing to do with him. At least, this was what he repeated over and over to himself almost constantly. It was only when he'd been lying in his bed the previous evening, staring at the ceiling as sleep eluded him that the doubt started to creep in. He'd brushed it aside, eager to replace it with the familiar anger but it hadn't made his sleep come any easier. It all led to him sitting outside the hospital, staring at the doors, just as the sun was peaking over the horizon.

Giving himself a physical shake, he launched to his feet and strode towards the entrance; no time to change his mind.

* * *

Beck had carried on reading out loud for at least twenty minutes after he'd thought Jade was asleep, wanting to be certain she wouldn't wake up the minute he stopped reading. He'd turned the overbed lamp on in favour of the harsher ceiling lights, angling it so it wasn't too bright on her, but she wouldn't wake up in the dark; he was in no rush to sit in the dark either. He'd carried on reading to himself, more out of habit than anything else. He had thought he wasn't ready to fall asleep, but his eyes had closed before he even realised what was happening, book slumped open on his lap and one hand laying on Jade's mattress. Now, neither of them so much as stirred as the golden light of the sunrise filtered into the room.

It was the sight of the two sleeping that greeted Mr West as he lingered outside the still closed door, peering through the small Perspex window. He'd taken advantage of the change in shift and slipped undetected past the nurse's station, his feet acting almost of their own accord, not allowing his brain to catch up and protest. His hand had frozen at the sight of the teenagers, his eyes immediately pulled to his daughter who, he noticed, looked even younger asleep. Her boyfriend next to her had obviously stayed the night, and this realisation bought a fresh anger for Mr West; not at the impropriety but at the feeling of failure and guilt that he was slowly becoming more aware of. Of course, his brain did his best to redirect it, insinuating that Beck was there purely to show him up and Jade knew it, but it was slowly starting to lose the argument to the rational part of his mind.

"Excuse me, can I help you?" A voice jerked him out of his frozen stance, he released the door handle almost guiltily. A nurse he vaguely recognised stood beside him.

"No" he said shortly, still recovering from being caught off guard.

"Visiting hours don't start until 8am" Emma chided quietly, unsure what to do with the sudden appearance of Jade's father. Technically, he should have more flexibility as her parent but given that Jade already had Beck in the room, and the relationship she'd observed was rocky at best, Emma wasn't keen on giving him access unrestricted access to her patient.

"Yes, I realise that, I just got the time wrong" he said flatly.

For a moment, Emma felt something akin to sympathy for the man before her. He looked and sounded wrong footed, like he didn't really know what he was doing.

"You can go and wait in the cafeteria" she directed although not unkindly "They'll already be serving breakfast".

"No, I think I'll go now" Mr West said it more to himself, starting to shuffle off down the corridor but Emma frowned and fell into step beside him.

"With all due respect Mr West, I really think you should stay and see your daughter".

Johnathan West jerked backwards like he'd been slapped clean across the face. He whirled around, eyes on fire.

"What did you just say to me?" his voice was raised but Emma refused to be intimidated.

"We are not doing this out here, patients are resting, if you'll please come this way" There was nothing about her tone that indicated any part of what she'd said was a suggestion as she led Mr West far down the corridor, sliding into an unoccupied single room. On the brief walk, Mr West had gotten over the shock of her words and was ready for an all-out argument to be had. However, all his best arguments for his behaviour died on his tongue as Emma faced him, calm and almost passive.

"I've been a nurse for almost eight years now Mr West, I've seen a lot of things, but there have only been a few on the same level as your daughter's case and I don't think you understand just how serious this is" She stared him down, almost daring him to interrupt her before continuing,

"Jade was attacked and left for dead by her drug addicted mother, who died herself not 24 hours later" She took a quick breath, trying to keep the frustration from bleeding too much into her voice.

"I'm not sure if you understand the seriousness Mr West, but if Mr Oliver hadn't found her when he did then Jade would probably not have survived her head trauma" Her expression grave, she refused to break eye contact with Mr West.

"You are her father, obviously I don't know the history and I can see the situation is complex but you need to step up or the authorities will be involved" Mr West's face shifted from stunned silence to outrage but Emma cut across before he could interrupt.

"It took you over 24 hours to even make contact with the hospital and you haven't exactly been present since" she ground out "Combined with a drug addicted mother and the fact that Jade is showing all the classic signs of an unstable and possibly abusive home life, it doesn't look good Mr West".

Mr West stood there, absorbing every word Emma was saying. He felt like a fraud and the petite nurse in front of him was the first person in a long time to see straight through him. He swallowed, trying to gather his wits back together.

Emma didn't let up her gaze, determined to get through to him for her patient's sake. She didn't care if she was overstepping her professional bounds, Jade already had one dead parent and she couldn't stand by and watch the other step away without trying to help.

Mr West ran a hand through his hair.

"I don't know what to do" he uttered.

"I do" Emma replied, plain and non-nonsense "You go to the cafeteria now to get some coffee, some breakfast and you think about how you're going to support your daughter" Emma wasn't pulling any punches.

"You then come back at eight and start trying to sort this out for _Jade's_ sake"

Mr West nodded, looking slightly lost but nodded and Emma stood aside to let him out the room. She watched him wander off down the corridor and sent up a small prayer that he would pull through for his daughter.

Emma returned to the ward and slipped quietly into Jade's room, resisting the urge to raise an eyebrow when she saw Beck sprawled out in the chair, light still on and book still open. The night nurses had told her that he'd read out loud into the earlier hours of the morning. Emma didn't much understand the relationship between Jade and Beck, in some ways it seemed a lot more mature than any relationship she'd had when she'd been their age. Still, there was also an odd tension in the air, albeit intermittently, and Emma couldn't work out how much of that was situational or whether something else was going on.

From her professional standpoint, while she avoided too much personal entanglement, these were the sort of cues she still had to look out for to ensure her patient's safe recovery. She'd taken extensive training in trauma and the effect it can have on both the body and mind, the way it can change relationships between the subject and their support network. Still, despite their age, Emma was quietly rooting for Beck being the support that Jade clearly didn't have elsewhere. While her chat with Mr West had gone about as well as it could have, Emma was only too aware that people cannot change overnight. After all, she only had a small snapshot of the situation, there was clearly a long and painful history between Jade and her father. Emma sighed as she realised that Jade's was a case that was testing her normal 'professional distance' code to its max.

* * *

Beck wasn't sure what roused him but as he came to, he had the distinct feeling he was being watched. He blearily opened his eyes, only to find Emma staring straight at him. Shaking his head to fight away the sleep, he turned his head to check on Jade who was still fast asleep. A wave of warmth spread through him as he realised that, at some point in the night, her hand had found his. In retrospect, this was also a source of burning in his arm as it maintained an unnatural angle to her bed, but he couldn't find it in himself to care.

Emma coughed quietly under her breath to get his attention. She motioned towards the door as he made eye contact. Beck frowned, not feeling inclined to get up but carefully disentangled himself and followed her all the same, yawning as he went. Once outside, Emma gently let the door close but kept an eye on the window.

"You managed to sleep then?"

"Yeah better than the other night" Beck spoke without realising and suddenly looked sheepish, but Emma spared him the embarrassment of addressing the comment. In her mind there was nothing to be embarrassed about anyway, but Beck was keen to keep the attention on Jade.

'She's the one in the hospital bed after all' he thought guiltily.

"Jade fell asleep around 1am I think" he continued "She was out like a light most of the night"

"Most?"

"I think she was dreaming for a bit around three, but it didn't disturb her enough to wake her up" Beck was almost talking to himself at this point, scrubbing a hand through his hair as he recalled Jade's shifting and the subsequent rustling of the sheets waking him briefly.

"That's good, the more she sleeps the easier her physical recovery will be" Emma tried to be visibly upbeat in an effort to instil some positivity into Beck, who still looked outwardly quite anxious.

"Now, it's Monday and you should be off to school, yes?"

Beck stayed quiet, not wanting to commit to leaving when he didn't feel even slightly okay with leaving Jade yet. Emma noticed his reluctance almost straight away, but she wasn't letting him off the hook that easily.

"I know you probably want to stay with her, but you should go to school if only for part of the day" She eyed him closely.

"Jade will be alright for a few hours"

"I just don't think she's comfortable yet, with being on her own, that is" Beck said truthfully, the part left unsaid was that he didn't feel ready to leave her either; just thinking about it caused his stomach to tighten in unease.

"She won't be on her own Beck" Emma replied, somewhat sternly but still with some compassion "The nurses will be just outside" she paused, unsure of how much she should share.

"And, her father will be here as well" Emma took the plunge and Beck's reaction was instantaneous as his head snapped up, eyebrows narrowing.

"With all due respect, I think that's a strong reason to stay".

Emma could see the anger written plainly across Beck's face. Whatever was in Jade's history with her father, it was enough that Beck clearly held no affection for the man.

"You can discuss that with Jade when she wakes up, but I don't want any unnecessary stress for her"

"Well then maybe you should keep her father out of her hospital room then" Beck was getting riled now, turning around to rest his hand on the door frame as he looked through the window.

"I don't have that power and neither do you" Emma took on a stern tone "He is her parent"

"He doesn't know the first thing about being a parent" Beck scoffed "Was there anything else?"

The sudden change in Beck's demeanour caught Emma off-guard but she knew when to back off.

"No, visiting commences at eight but we will be in to do our rounds from around seven".

Beck gave a single nod before walking straight back into Jade's room. On any other day he would have felt guilty for his dismissive attitude, but he was too aggravated to care.

'How could they let him back in here after last time?' he questioned angrily, all but throwing himself into the chair, but remaining bolt upright his eyes resting on Jade's still form. How would she take another meeting with him? He could remember her extreme reaction to the last one, and he hadn't even been in the room for most of it. His foot was tapping quietly, anxiously on the vinyl as he watched the steady rise and fall of Jade's chest.

* * *

The remaining time passed too quickly for Beck's liking and all too soon Emma was back in the room, waking Jade from her sleep. Unbeknownst to both of them, Jade had been awake for a while but had opted to feign sleep to avoid interaction.

Jade had woken up with the same large weight on her chest that she'd gone to sleep with, only it seemed heavier in the morning light. Beck had been deep in thought when her eyelids had briefly fluttered open, so she'd gone undetected. She was beginning to really hate waking up, as every time she was momentarily disorientated until the events of the previous few days came back to her in drips and drabs. As each bit of information came back to her it was like finding out for the first time, the pain was still fresh and raw. Jade was beginning to wonder if it would be like this every time she woke up. Now though, there was no hiding as Emma started to chivvy her through a morning routine. Beck had been strangely non-communicative since she'd 'woken-up', barely saying more than a few words to her before leaving to get dressed and affording her some privacy.

Emma, on the other hand, was decidedly cheery and Jade wasn't sure which of the two was worse. She gritted her teeth through the shoulder exercises where the only reprieve was the wash and use of her own toiletries that followed.

"I think we can go without the IV today, as long as you keep up with the drinking" Jade nodded, anxious to be rid of the restrictive tubing; even though her jacket had been bulky enough to accommodate the line she was aware of it tugging uncomfortably throughout the night. Emma removed the empty bag and tubes but left the cannula, which she explained to Jade was for ease of access in case they needed to give her something quickly.

"For the most part though, we should be fine swapping you to oral medication"

Jade flexed her arm experimentally, the freedom of movement was nice, but the insertion site was still irritated where the cannula remained. She was glad to also be rid of the heartbeat monitor; the intermittent beeping had become really grating the previous day. She looked up; aware Emma was hovering by her bed instead of leaving.

"What?" Jade practically growled, acutely aware that she was about to be given some more bad news of some kind. The irritation and anger from the previous day was returning, as she watched the nurse clearly prevaricate over telling her something.

"Your father will be coming by shortly" Jade blinked "He turned up early for visiting so has just gone for breakfast"

Jade felt like the wind had been knocked out of her. Why was he back? Emma watched her carefully, trying to pick up on any hints of a reaction but Jade stayed silent.

"Jade?" Emma prompted

"Are you sure you've got the right person?" Jade commented darkly

"What do you mean?"

"He's been out of my life for eight years, now he wants to see me twice in two days? I think you have the wrong West" Her tone was bitter and full of resentment.

"Well, he's here to see you anyway" Emma tried for breezy but Jade just glared at her.

"I obviously have no idea of the history between you"

"Obviously" Jade interrupted, sincerely regretting opening up about her emotions to the nurse the night before, as clearly the nurse now thought she had a right to poke her nose into Jade's personal business.

"But, as your father, he is still legal responsible for you until you are an adult"

"That's not something that's bothered him before" Jade muttered under her breath.

Emma sighed, frustrated that after the progress of the night before, she had seemingly forced Jade to close herself off again.

"Unless there are reasons for a case to the contrary, but at this point there isn't anything" she added, hoping Jade would pick up on her meaning; she wanted Jade to know she was still on her side.

Unfortunately, while Jade picked up on the hidden meaning, she was getting to ramped up to care. Why was it that years of neglect and disinterest were not enough to keep him away from her? She barely knew the man, and his only attempt to talk to her so far had ended in him storming out. Jade didn't understand why, with everything else going on, she also had to deal with him.

"If it gets too much, press the call button and I'll come in" Emma offered, but Jade had to hold back a scoff, unwilling to engage with the nurse any further.

She was saved from having to reply by Beck returning, who took one look at Jade and guessed that Emma had broken the news about her father's visit. Emma busied herself with gathering the last of the litter from Jade's IV and then left, unsure her saying anything else would be useful at this point.

"She told you then?" Beck didn't see any point in sugar coating it, but Jade's eyes narrowed.

"And how do you know?"

"She pulled me out when I woke up this morning"

"It would be really nice if everyone stopped having conversations about me when I'm not there" Jade ground out. Beck stayed quiet, he thought she was being slightly unreasonable but knowing it was like the result of redirected anger at having to see her father.

"I'll stay with you" He offered after a beat, the statement coming out as more of a question, but Jade shook her head almost straight away. Beck felt more disappointed than he was expecting, and more than a little concerned.

"It's your choice but-"

"You're right it is my choice" Jade interrupted, her frustration rising.

"But" Beck carried on "last time you spoke to him didn't exactly end well".

They both knew that what Beck had said was putting it mildly, as it had ended in Jade becoming so stressed her pain had skyrocketed and the Nurse had sedated her.

"No, it didn't" Jade conceded, somewhat quieter than before "but, this isn't a conversation I want to have in the first place, much less want anyone else to be there to witness it".

Beck bit his lip, trying to work out his next move. He really wanted to respect Jade's wishes, but his instincts were screaming that he should stay, the snide little voice tearing him to shreds for not being supportive, highlighting that she clearly didn't want him there.

Jade was tense, suddenly hyper aware of her surroundings from the stupid clock on the wall to the way her top pulled over her skin. She could tell Beck wasn't convinced in her decision, but she was still trying to work out how she felt about that. On the surface it was the familiar frustration, the feeling that she wasn't being listened to, but underneath she didn't know if she should be angry or even grateful to him for obviously caring.

The truth was, Jade had never really opened up to Beck about her family, and now it felt like too much had passed between them for her to feel comfortable doing it now. Every word she'd spoken to him about both her father and her mother in the last few days had cost her emotions dearly. People had always loved to parrot the sentiment that talking about things and opening up was a way to set yourself free but Jade whole heartedly disagreed. All she'd felt was shame at the mess she had ended up in and guilt at the look on Beck's face, at his obvious anger that she'd never told him any of it before. From what he'd said before, she knew she had caused him pain and was still causing him pain as he continued to beat himself up for 'not noticing'; Jade saw it as a stark reminder of just how good of a person Beck was especially when compared to her. All in all, Jade didn't think she could handle any more guilt right now, so it was easier to send him out.

"Right, I guess I better get going then?"

Beck's words pulled Jade from her thoughts and her stomach dropped. Was Beck just going to up and leave after all this time because she didn't want him in the room while her father visited?

Beck watched Jade's face tense and realised what his last sentence sounded like.

"It's just I will have to pop into school today at some point, I can go while he's here" he trailed off "Or I can wait until after if you want?"

Jade's anxiousness morphed into confusion.

"School?"

"Yeah, it is Monday after all" Beck smiled slightly, although it quickly froze when he realised Jade must have completely lost track of the days of the week.

"I didn't realise" Jade's words were soft, but her mind was racing. Did the school know? Did she have to tell them? Who had to tell them? Was there any way to avoid any more people knowing?

"Jade?"

"It's fine, just go" She brushed him off and, for once, Beck saw straight through it for what it was. He picked up her hand again, ignoring the slight stiffness, and squeezed it.

"I'll do whatever I can to keep this all lowkey, I don't even think the school knows yet"

Jade looked at him, caught off guard for the second time in almost as many minutes.

"I'll tell them you're sick or something, and the others won't say anything"

Jade felt her stomach twist unpleasantly as she remembered that Cat, Andre and Tori already knew.

She was about to say something when the door to her room opened and her father walked in. Without realising, her grip on Beck's hand suddenly tightened. Beck felt it and squeezed back almost immediately before looking her directly in the eyes, asking the unspoken question. Her answer was unchanged, although with somewhat less conviction that before.

"I'll be off then" he said quietly, squeezing her hand one last time before getting up. He didn't even bother to acknowledge Mr West who was standing awkwardly in-front of the cabinet.

* * *

Jade heard the door shut and let out a shaky breath as quietly as she dared. Her eyes flicked over to her father who looked oddly out of place, she noted his scruffy shirt and unkempt hair against the pristine white walls of the hospital room. The harsh fluorescent lighting did nothing to help the bags that had collected under his eyes.

As Jade stared at him, Mr West stared back. He was still struggling to reconcile the image of his daughter in her hospital bed compared to the angry girl he remembered leaving behind. He noticed some of the monitors had been taken away, but she was still pale and too thin. Amanda had always been slight, but Jade looked like she was in need of a good meal. With some people's children, you could see one of the parents clearly, but Jade was an almost perfect balance of the two. If you saw her with just one of her parents, the resemblance wasn't immediately obvious but if the you knew both of them, then it was glaringly obvious. It was only then the realisation crashed over Mr West that Jade would never be seen with her mother again and he suddenly felt an inexplicable chill.

"Did you actually come to say something or are you just here to stare at me?" her voice was bitter, and it riled him, but he couldn't find it in himself to blame her this time.

"I wanted to apologise" his words were clipped but not altogether insincere. "The way I spoke to you the other day was out of line and I'm sorry for it"

Jade's eyebrows narrowed in response. She didn't know what he was really here for, but she didn't belief it was for a half-arsed apology. If he wanted to apologise for something, she had an extensive list of things that were more important to her than the altercation the other day.

"Okay" she replied, although her tone indicated it was anything but. Mr West steeled himself, trying to keep control of the temper threatening to spike within him. It was different to before, as he did have more control maybe it was because he'd had more time to think about things, maybe it was his conscience reawakening or maybe it was the memory of scrubbing his daughter's blood off the floor only 24 hours before.

He moved slightly closer to the bed and Jade had to muster her self-control not to automatically flinch away from him. She refused to appear weak in-front of him.

"I'm not going to pretend like we have a good relationship"

"We don't have a relationship at all"

"No, we don't" he breathed slowly "but I'm trying to take responsibility for my part in this"

Jade stayed silent, genuinely surprised at the hint of sincerity in his voice.

"It's becoming clear to me that I haven't fulfilled all my duties as a parent, I knew your mother had a drug habit when we divorced but I chose to bury it and any implications that it might have had for you".

Jade let his words wash over her, unsure as to whether she was more surprised or incensed at his words. They were the same detached tone she could remember from all those years ago, a lawyer through and through.

Mr West started to feel rattled by his daughter's silence.

"There is water under the bridge on both sides I admit, you never made things easy for me" he conceded, maintaining an air of finality but Jade felt the familiar anger win the fight inside her.

"Wow, for a moment there you nearly had me" she stated refusing to let her voice rise, not wanting to give him the satisfaction.

"You can't even apologise without telling me it's my fault"

Mr West tensed.

"Don't be obtuse, I've admitted there has been fault on my part, but this isn't a single person issue Jade"

"How big of you" it was taking all her control not to shout at him, her tone gaining an acid-like quality "I'm sure that took a great epiphany to even consider yourself as having done something wrong".

Mr West felt his recently acquired patience was rapidly slipping away. Why was Jade baiting him like that? Why couldn't she just accept his apology?

"Believe it or not Jade, you are hardly a perfect individual" His tone even but stern nonetheless, but he attempted to steer her towards more neutral territory "and in case you're forgetting, your mother also had a role in this".

Jade could feel her heart thumping so strongly she was surprised her father couldn't hear it also, it felt like it was about to beat right out of her chest; she could feel the vibrations radiating through her broken shoulder. She felt so stupid for even believing that maybe he really was apologising when he'd started talking but it was all the same as before, reinforcing her of his low opinion of her.

Unfortunately, Mr West took her silence for acceptance of his point.

"Amanda clearly had far more extensive issues than I ever gave her credit for but it is not an excuse for the way I brushed you off when you asked for help a few years ago" Mr West was ashamed to admit that until Jade had brought it up with him the other day, he'd completely forgotten she'd come to him for help once before.

"I just can't understand why you never came to me since, if things really were that bad" He let the statement hang in the air between them.

"Six" Jade stated quietly

"What?" Mr West blinked

"It was six years ago when I came to you for help" Jade's voice was unusually even "You make it sound like it was just the other day"

Mr West swallowed, momentarily at a loss for words.

"I hadn't seen Mom in nearly week, she'd left without actually telling me anything, I got a barely readable text message on the second day" Jade's eyes drifted to the wall as she recalled what had, at the time, been one of the worst weeks of her life.

She had been truly scared as to where her mother was, she'd spent a whole day frantically calling her, agonizing over whether she should report her missing to the police. When her mother had finally text her, and Jade had realised that she'd gone on a binge, she'd thrown her phone at the wall so hard the screen had smashed. By day five, there was no food left in the cupboards and Jade had spent the only cash she'd had on food at the beginning of the week; she'd vowed it was the last time she wouldn't have access to money. She knew there was some form of trust set-up by her grandfather as well as an account set-up by her parents, but she'd never had access to it. Usually her mother would withdraw money from it for her or give her an allowance; although this had become rarer and rarer as her drug usage increased.

She'd called her father a handful of times before she got through to him, and he'd brushed her off saying he'd send a credit card for her. Jade had learnt the tough lesson that day that she couldn't rely on either one of her parents. She'd asked her father if she could come and see him hoping, just for a moment, that he'd pick up on her tone and realise something was really wrong; but, he'd dismissed her like someone would a junior employee. He hadn't even seemed overly bothered when she told him that Amanda had gone for the week and not left anything for her.

"I went as long as I could before calling you" She continued, still not making eye contact "I was afraid of what you would say, what you would do" She chuckled darkly "In the end I needn't have bothered as you weren't even slightly concerned"

"Now wait just a minute" Mr West interjected "I was concerned I just didn't think it was as bad as it was, I assumed it was a planned trip"

Jade scoffed.

"You saw what you wanted to see, whatever you could rationalise to make sure your life remained unaffected"

"Hey, now that's unfair" Mr West raised his voice feeling his cheeks flush in anger, or was it embarrassment? Jade was hitting a little too close to home for his liking.

"If you thought everything was fine, why didn't you let me come and see you like I asked?" her eyes snapped back to him, she saw right through him, and he knew it.

"If you thought nothing was amiss, why did you give an eleven-year-old a practically unlimited credit card?"

Jade had him and they both knew it. Mr West couldn't hold her gaze any longer and he dropped it to the floor, shame filling him once again.

"That's what I thought" Jade finished quietly.

She'd thought with the confrontation she'd feel better, lighter somehow but there was none of that. She surveyed the figure in front of her, a man she'd grown to loathe the very idea of. She could remember all the times she'd tried to make contact, inviting him to her plays when he's still only ever been to one, going along to his stupid work parties until the last one with Beck where everything had fallen apart; not dramatically, but quietly as the last hope she'd had of a relationship with him and trickled slowly down the drain.

Mr West flopped down into the chair next to the bed, still finding himself unable to look Jade in the eyes.

"I've been a pretty terrible father, haven't I?"

Jade said nothing, refusing to dignify it with a response. In her mind he'd gone straight from the defensive to throwing himself a pity party.

"The question is, where do we go from here?"

Again, Jade said nothing, not entirely sure whether the question was for her or more to himself. He surprised them both by looking up at her.

"You won't be discharged for at least a few more days, if not the end of the week, but I guess you can choose where you want to stay" His tone suddenly became business-like and Jade struggled to keep up. The confusion must have shown on her face as Mr West clarified.

"You can go back to your mother's house and I'll move temporarily, or you can move into mine, which would be more practical, but I understand if you want to be somewhere familiar".

Jade stared at him. She didn't want to move anywhere with him, she didn't even know him. She'd managed pretty much alone all this time, why should it have to change now.

"Think about it" he stated firmly, although there was a flicker of doubt in his eyes. He stood, straightening his still hap-hazard suit before turning to look at her.  
"I've got to get to work now and" he paused, thinking of the best way to phrase his thoughts "I know we've got a long way to go, if we even get there, but I'm going to try".

Jade sat motionless, trying to catch up on what had just happened. Maybe it was a side effect of her head trauma, but she couldn't quite get her head around it. Her father had changed tack so quickly she could've sworn she had whiplash. He'd almost been emotional towards the end of the conversation, but Jade wasn't easily convinced. She didn't trust him, not in the slightest, and she didn't know what to make of his practically insisting they would live together when she was out of hospital. Logically, Jade knew she was still a minor but that hadn't made any difference before.

The door opened again and Jade looked up, half expecting to see her father returning; instead she became confused when she saw a slightly sheepish Beck walking towards her.

"I thought you were going to school?"

"I am" he said "But I didn't want to leave without, you know" he trailed off but Jade just looked at him bewildered.

"I didn't know how it would go with your dad" he looked slightly uncomfortable "I didn't want you to be alone if it didn't go well" he punctuated his statement by lightly scuffing his shoe against the lino, jamming his hands into his jeans pocket.

Jade didn't know what to make of Beck either; between him and her father she could feel a whole new headache forming. She reached for the button only to be disappointed when she remembered the IV had been taken away.

Beck didn't like that Jade looked so surprised at his actions; it hadn't occurred to him that she wouldn't guess he would stay anyway. He was beginning to wonder if Jade had any idea just what she meant to him, he thought he'd told her often enough when they were going out and he didn't understand how she thought those feelings must have disappeared the moment they broke-up. Had her feelings for him evaporated that quickly? He quickly pushed the thought away, now was not the time.

"How did it go?"

Jade shrugged in response, still struggling to unpack the interaction in her mind.

Beck saw the tension in her face, recognised the squint in her eyes.

"Are you in pain?"

"My head hurts again" There was no point in denying it.

"Do you want me to get the Nurse?"

Jade shook her head for a second time, unwilling to run to the nurse every time her head so much as twinged.

Beck stood feeling a little out of place, the easy interactions of the previous evening suddenly seemed so far away, and a new awkwardness prevailed. Jade was closing in on herself again, Beck was certain. Hate wasn't a word Beck often used, but in this moment, he hated Mr West. It wasn't just for him being an appalling father but for having such a strong hold over Jade. He didn't really know what to do to help and it made him feel completely useless.

Jade was struggling to keep a grip on reality, the fog from the previous days threatening to make a reappearance. The fog felt safer, less complicated and it was tempting. She just wanted to shut her eyes and be anywhere else. Just as she allowed her eyes to start to shut, she registered Beck was still watching her from the foot of her bed. Wasn't he supposed to be going to school?

"Yeah, I'll go now then I guess".

Jade didn't realise she'd spoken her thought aloud. She scrutinised him briefly, he looked tired and almost forlorn. Her mind felt like it was moving through glue, she couldn't quite fit the pieces of the puzzle together again, a feeling that was now all too familiar.

Beck still hadn't moved as he was watching Jade carefully, unsure as to whether she was about to say something else. She looked mildly confused, her brow slightly furrowed, and on the edge of vacancy.

"Are you coming back?"

It took Beck a moment to realise Jade had spoken to him.

"Yeah, I'll be back in a few hours" He smiled faintly, somewhat reassured that, on some level, Jade wanted him to come back. Jade seemed to absorb the information slowly, staring back at the wall and once again Beck felt unease at the thought of leaving her.

"Do you want anything before I go?" he asked, trying to delay the inevitable.

"No"

"Okay then, I guess I'll see you later" He looked at her one last time, hoping for some indication that she'd heard him and was rewarded with a slight bob of her head. He was almost out the room before a thought suddenly struck him.

"Jade" he called out "If you don't feel good or whatever while I'm gone, you can call me".

The words were not eloquent, but the meaning broke through Jade's headspace, a small warm feeling nudging her slightly. This time Beck was rewarded with a half-smile,

"Thanks".

* * *

**Okay so this one took me a lot longer to put together, but hopefully it was worth it in the end. Not so much direct Bade as the last one, but that's all coming I promise. I originally had the rest of the gang brought back in this chapter, but after this hit 6000 it's been moved to the next one. Also, a big thank you to Rockets Love who helps me make sure I get the American side of things accurate!**

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed and told me what you thought, it helps me stick with it when it isn't flowing naturally haha. I really love hearing people's thoughts about the story so please do continue if you feel like it. **


	18. Chapter 18

As Beck pulled into the Hollywood Arts parking lot, he felt apprehension stir within him. He'd replied to a text from Andre shortly before leaving the hospital to confirm he was coming in, and Andre had said he'd try and get everyone together; the group had a project elective in second period which allowed them some more freedom. Beck was fairly certain they wouldn't be missed from their respective groups for ten minutes or so, and he didn't want to have to tell them individually. He actually didn't plan on spending that long in school at all. Beck was still uncomfortable with having left Jade alone, particularly given the dissociative state she'd seemed to be in as he left; he'd lingered long enough to see one of the nurses going into her room before he had allowed himself to actually leave.

On Andre's instructions, he made a beeline for the Blackbox theatre but was stopped before he was barely through the main doors.

"Beck!"

Lane's voice made him wince, he'd been hoping to avoid teachers for as long as possible. It wasn't an altogether smart decision, given he would have been found out for skipping eventually, but Beck figured if he flew under the radar then he could at least pretend he was sick for a few days.

"What's up?" He turned, trying to play it as cool as possible.

"Step into my office for a minute?"

"I'm kind of late for a group project already, can we do this later?"

"No, this is concerning what I'm almost certain you were about to go and do" Beck felt momentarily confused as Lane's face gave nothing away. Surely Lane didn't know about Jade? Unless Andre, Tori or Cat had said something?

He followed Lane into his office trying not to panic as he realised, he may have to go back on his promise to Jade about keeping things under wraps sooner than he expected.

Lane sat down and indicated to Beck that he should do the same, Lane's expression now more of the practiced calm he was used to seeing on the guidance counsellor. He felt his phone buzzing, probably Andre asking where he was, but he ignored it in favour of trying to re-arrange his features into a more relaxed expression.

"Beck, I know what's gone on this weekend, or at least some of it"

"What's gone on about what?" Beck tried to play dumb, but Lane simply raised his eyebrows.

"Regarding Jade and why she hasn't shown up to school this morning" he spoke plainly, not wishing to waste time "Regarding why if I called Jade's house right now, she wouldn't be there".

Beck felt himself deflate, his continuing tiredness overwhelming him for a beat as he realised something else had just slipped from his control.

"Who told you?"

"Your mother"

That caught Beck my complete surprise.

"My mother?"

"Yes, and then more recently Jade's father"

"What?"

Beck was lost. Lane gave him a sympathetic look before handing him a cup of coffee from the table which had previously gone unnoticed by Beck.

"Your mother called the school first thing this morning, explaining why you may not be coming to school today" Lane filled in "She assumed we knew of course, but was light on the details as she could only tell us what you had passed on" Beck sat in silence, trying to take on board everything Lane was saying. He hadn't told his mom he didn't want to go to school, specifically because he thought she wouldn't approve, so how had she known to call the school?

"When you didn't show up for home room, I was about to call you when Jade's father rang and updated us as to the situation" Lane's expression turned very grave.

"How is Jade coping?"

"Uh, not great" Beck struggled to find the words "I mean how would anyone cope with nearly dying at the hands of your mother who then accidentally kills herself"

Lane nodded.

"I understand you were the one to find her, and you've been there all weekend? So how are you coping?"

Beck stared at him.

"What do you mean, how am I coping? Jade's the one in hospital!"

"Yes, meaning she's not here now and not the one I'm asking the question to" Lane was infuriatingly calm to Beck, who opened his mouth with some choice words concerning Lane's priorities, but Lane cut across him.

"Beck, this hasn't got anything to do with Jade right now" He stated "She's gone through unimaginable trauma and I will be on hand to help her wherever I can but, in this moment, I'm more concerned with the person sitting in-front of me who has also been through the wringer this past weekend".

Beck felt like someone had knocked the wind out of him.

"I don't really know" he answered slowly "I'm just really tired I think".

Lane raised an eyebrow, clearly not believing Beck.

"Sorry was that the wrong answer?" Beck's unusually sarcastic tone took Lane by surprise, but Beck found himself unable to stop, irritated by Lane's reaction.

"What is it the books say I'm _supposed_ to be feeling?" he bit out, now clearly agitated. "Huh? Am I supposed to be angry because she didn't trust me enough to tell me? Or is it overwhelming guilt that we dated for over two years and I never noticed her mom was an abusive drug addict?"

Beck was on his feet now, pacing up and down.

"Or the fact that I can't even leave the fucking room without being terrified that something's going to happen to her while I'm not there? Or how it feels like my heart is breaking every time I see her in pain, trying to make sense of the complete and utter shit going on around her?" He was almost shouting now, seemingly powerless to sensor what he was saying.

"So, come on then? How the hell am I supposed to be feeling?!" He turned back to Lane, breathing heavily as he finally managed to stop any more words from spilling out.

Lane just sat quietly, allowing Beck to let it all out and regarding him with patience and a sympathy that still irrationally irritated the teenager. Beck abruptly collapsed back onto the sofa dropping his head into his hands, feeling completely and utterly drained.

"Sorry" he murmured, shame filling him for the way he'd just shouted at Lane.

"There's nothing to apologise for Beck, you needed to let it out" Lane's voice was kind and soothing "I knew from the minute I saw you in the corridor you were like a pressure cooker just waiting to explode".

Lane pushed the coffee back in-front of Beck, finally satisfied when Beck reached out to take it.

"You need to recognise that you also have been through something traumatic these past few days, and it's totally normal to feel these extreme emotions but bottling them up is dangerous".

Beck nodded uncomfortably, not wanting to meet Lane's eyes.

"You having these feelings doesn't somehow invalidate Jade's or what she went through" Lane continued, determined to try to get through to the teenager in-front of him. Beck considered what Lane had said for a moment, weighing it up in his mind.

"But it seems so wrong for me to be feeling all of this, when it didn't even happen to me"

"Has Jade escaped emotionally unscathed?"

Beck looked at him like he'd spontaneously grown a pair of antlers.

"Of course not, I told you that, how could you even think that-" Lane held his hand up to pause Beck's tirade before it could take hold.

"So, if Jade isn't okay, why are you expecting to be fine?"

The question stumped Beck but he couldn't quite explain why.

"You care about Jade a great deal, so it's normal that you would be impacted by the situation" Lane explained "Add to that, the fact you were the one to find her in an incredibly traumatic situation, why are you expecting yourself not to be affected by it?".

Beck sat quietly for almost a minute, turning Lane's words over in his head one-by-one; it did make sense, but he couldn't quite shift the guilt. Lane watched him closely, relieved to see that it looked like Beck was accepting at least some of what he was saying.

"Beck, you do know you're not responsible for what happened?"

Beck's head snapped up, momentarily concerned that either Lane had gained the ability to read minds or that he'd been speaking his thoughts out loud.

"It doesn't feel that way" he stated plainly "I was her boyfriend for over two years and I never thought it was odd she barely mentioned her mom? How did it never once occur to me that the days she came in moody or barely talking that something might have happened at home?".

He wasn't shouting anymore; in fact, his strained voice was only just audible. This was something else that had been haunting Beck at the back of his mind. How many times had he written Jade's behaviour off as her being difficult, even berated her for it without ever questioning what could have caused it? As with what Beck knew now and Jade's whispered confession that it wasn't the first time her mother had been violent towards her, he couldn't help but feel guilt for never looking further. Worse than that he felt an almost physical pain, as he thought of the amount of times Jade might have found herself hurt and with no one to tell about it, starting with the other night. The question as to why she didn't feel she could trust him was tearing him up almost as much as the guilt.

Lane reached across the table and put a supportive hand on Beck's shoulder.

"Beck there is no blame here for anyone, except Jade's parents" When Beck didn't react, content to stare at the coffee cup, Lane tried a different approach.

"Well, I mean it's also Jade's fault I suppose" Lane took on a purposefully disdainful tone, trying to provoke a reaction out of Beck "After all she didn't tell anyone, and she must have known one day it would escalate"

Beck raised his head in disbelief at what Lane had said but stopped short as he realised what Lane was trying to do.

"I don't think that's going to work with me Lane"

"It was worth a shot, but do you see my point?"

"Sort of"

Lane furrowed his brow.

"I don't blame Jade, but I am angry at her" Beck sighed "But as much as I feel angry I think I feel almost the same amount of guilt, not just because I didn't notice but because the last thing she needs right now is to deal with me being angry over something we can't even change" Beck carded a hand through his hair, his emotions threatening to overwhelm him.

"Exactly" Lane replied promptly

"Exactly what?" Beck was lost again.

"You just said it" Lane stated, his tone almost smug "It's something neither of you can change, you now have to work out how to live with it"

Beck just stared at him and Lane fought the urge to sigh, reminding himself it was unprofessional.

"I'm sure it is something you and Jade will have to talk about, and I agree it's not something that should be a priority between you two right now" he conceded "But, either way and for whatever reason, she didn't tell you and neither you or her can change that now, no matter how much you might wish it".

Beck nodded slowly, Lane's words finally making more logical sense to him. It didn't necessarily make the situation any better, or even fix anything but it suddenly made it more bearable. The finality of someone else pointing out it couldn't be changed somehow broke through the emotional gymnastics which had been occupying his brain.

"You need to try to stop beating yourself up for how you feel" Lane said, somewhat sternly. "Jade is going to need support, probably fairly extensive support if her father is anything to go by" he threw the comment in darkly and immediately looked guilty.

"You didn't hear me say that" he countered quickly "What I'm trying to say is, if you want to help Jade though her recovery, it's in both of your interests to accept that you have a lot of emotions surrounding these events and pushing them away or getting angry at yourself over them is of no use to anyone" Lane took a large breath, fixing Beck with a firm but not unkind stare, encouraged when Beck seemed to be accepting what he was saying.

"What did Jade's father say?" The question caught Lane off guard.

"I can't tell you that Beck, it's between the school and him"

Beck ran his hand through his hair again, feeling the stress bleeding through once again.

"Is there something wrong, something the school needs to be aware of?"

Lane was suddenly concerned. As it was, he didn't know much about Jade's parental situation other than the fact they were divorced. The fees were paid from an account held by Mr West, but her mother had always been listed as the sole point of contact. Lane had tried to broach the topic with Jade once or twice, in the various 'guidance sessions' he'd had with her over the years, but she'd shut him down or simply left. If he was being honest, even Lane felt a small amount of guilt that he'd pigeon-holed her behaviour as standard teenage rebellion tied in with a broken home; he'd never been too concerned about pursuing it further. Now though, Beck behaviour was concerning him. He'd not spent much time with Beck but knew he was a largely affable guy, who wasn't prone to the dramatic behaviour that a lot of the other students at Hollywood Arts tended to display.

"Beck?" Lane prompted.

"Her father isn't a nice person" Beck started "He basically abandoned her in the divorce, even though he apparently knew her mom had a problem" he shook his head; he was still trying to get his head around the fact a father could willingly leave his daughter in that position.

"He's not just estranged, he's pretty much non-existent, the hospital nearly called child services because he was unreachable, hell, his damn assistant didn't even know he had a daughter" Beck was starting to raise his voice again, the familiar anger towards Mr West growing once more.

"Alright Beck, take a breath" Lane chided "Mr West gave the impression on the phone he was with her in hospital?"

Beck snorted.

"Yeah right if you count two visits as being with her, the first he was barely there before he'd started an argument and stormed off" Beck took another breath "He left Jade in such a state she had to be sedated".

Lane frowned at this new information, while Mr West had kept the phone call brief and strictly professional, he'd given off the impression that he was both fully involved and in-control of the situation.

"And the second time?"

"Huh? Oh, that was literally this morning" Beck replied, shaking his head "It went better I think, but Jade wasn't ready to talk about it, she seemed really spaced out when I left but she's been doing that a lot anyway".

Lane nodded in understanding, now increasingly concerned for Jade's welfare as the situation was clearly far more complex than it looked.

"Thank you for telling me Beck"

"Yeah, well, Jade will probably kill me for it" Beck was rueful but, on the inside, he wouldn't mind if she did try and kill him for it, at least it would be something akin to normal. Lane allowed himself a small smirk at Beck's words before standing up.

"I'm going to go and see the principal, get some details sorted and then I'll be back" He gathered some papers from his desk "Might I suggest you go and tell the others what you came to tell them, best to get them in here as we don't want this going around as idle gossip".

"Uh, sure" Beck was slightly embarrassed that not only had his original plan to remain undetected had been foiled but also that his plan was so obvious, Lane already knew the reason he'd turned up to school in the first place.

Beck pulled out his phone, which had not stopped its intermittent buzzing throughout his entire time in Lane's office. He winced as he saw the stack of notifications from the Andre, Tori and even Cat. After checking there was nothing from Jade, he gave Andre a quick call to get him and the rest of their friends to Lane's office. No sooner had he slumped down onto the sofa to finish off the now rapidly cooling coffee, the door was thrust open to reveal a slightly out of breath Cat, backed up by Andre, Tori and Robbie sans Rex. Everyone was wearing similar expressions which seemed to balance confusion with concern.

"Hi Guys"

Becks weary tone only caused his friends to become more concerned.

"BECK" He had only to take in Cat's shout before he ended up with the smaller girl practically wrapped around his mid-section.

"Oof" he felt the air get knocked from his lungs and he realised Cat was more solid than she looked.

"Hey Cat" he patted her back gingerly, which only made her squeeze harder.

"Beck I promise I didn't tell them, Jadey will be so mad"

'Ah' Beck thought, Cat's sudden movement now making a lot more sense. With the help of Andre, he managed to loosen Cat's clingy grip.

"Cat I know, I told them and Jade's fine with it" He mentally winced as he remembered Jade's initial reaction to Andre and Tori finding out, but he figured it was acceptable to placate the upset red head.

"Told them what?" Robbie was clearly exasperated as the only one of the group to not yet know. Beck was mildly surprised that neither Andre nor Tori had told him yet.

"What are you guys all keeping from me? What's going on with Jade" Robbie was practically whining at this point, but he really hated feeling left out.

"You guys didn't tell him?"

"You said it was a secret!" In almost complete unison, both Tori and Andre were indignant.

"Believe me, if I thought I could have I would have" Andre continued "He's been so annoying" the last part was stage whispered but earnt him a scowl from Robbie anyway.

"Moving on" Tori interjected to avoid the inevitable bickering "Beck what's going on, how's Jade doing?"

While Tori didn't particularly feel close to Jade, in fact she downright scared her a lot of the time, Jade had been on Tori's mind most of the weekend. Tori had been quite lucky throughout her life; she'd not really known anyone to be involved in extreme accidents or life/death scenarios. Her Grandma had died when she was younger, but she was quite elderly, and Tori didn't remember much about the whole affair. After listening to Beck sound so out of sorts on the phone and the thought of someone who usually appeared bullet-proof being in hospital, requiring surgery no less, Tori hadn't been able to shake the unsettled feeling all weekend.

"Why don't you all sit, and I'll tell you what's been happening, or at least some of it" Beck added the last part somewhat belatedly, wanting to try and deliver on a least part of his promise to Jade. Robbie practically threw himself onto the sofa, equal parts curious and excited that he'd finally know whatever the grand secret was. Cat was almost the exact opposite, curling her knees up tightly into the hanging egg chair, half burying her head so only her eyes peeked out. Beck sat closest to Cat, nudging the chair gently with his foot to try and in an attempt to make the girl smile.

"So, Jade's in hospital" he started and nearly rolled his eyes when Robbie's jaw dropped open. He held up a hand to stop the onslaught of questions "Not yet, let me get it out first". Andre fixed Robbie with a stare until he reluctantly shut his open jaw and nodded his conformity to Beck.

"She had an accident at home on Friday afternoon, she hit her head and broke her clavicle - her shoulder" he clarified. "She had to have emergency surgery to stop the swelling in her head which it did, and she's been mostly conscious since Saturday afternoon" Beck paused to take a breath, surveying the various expressions on his friends faces. It was almost comical how they ranged from Robbie's outright shock to Andre's pinched concern; Cat was still refusing to show more than her eyes.

"She then found out on Saturday morning that her mother had died, from an accidental overdose".

Cat's sad squeak broke the silence and Beck put his hand on her knee, unconsciously mirroring Lane's earlier gesture of support. While to this wasn't new information to Cat, she was still struggling to come to terms with everything that had happened to Jade.

"Did you find out how Jade hit her head?" Tori asked quietly, assuming the quiet meant Beck was finished with his story. Beck ran a hand through his hair yet again, he'd been trying to avoid parting with this particular bit of information.

"Well, her mother had, what turns out, was quite an extensive drug problem" Beck rambled, trying to find the words and Tori's hands flew to cover her mouth as she anticipated the nature of what Beck was about to say.

"She got into an argument with Jade and evidently they were standing at the top of the stairs" He let the sentence hang, not want to have to spell it out. As it was, there was no need as everyone in the room picked up on the implication. The silence that now blanketed the room was sobering.

"So, how is Jade doing now?" Andre's low voice was the first to break the quiet.

"A bit better, they took off her IV this morning but she's not always awake even though she is, if you know what I mean"

"How long do they think she'll have to stay in for?" This time it was Tori.

"At least till the end of this week I think" Beck couldn't remember for sure but that sounded about right.

"Where's she going to go when she is released? Surely she can't go home?"

"She'll go to her Dad's, won't she?" Andre replied before Beck had the chance, but Tori pulled a face.

"Yeah but, I mean I don't think they have that kind of relationship" Tori remembered seeing Jade and her Dad interact at Jade's play, Well Wishes; it had been uncomfortable for everyone involved. She remembered Jade saying she'd never seen her Dad so happy, but he hadn't even cracked a smile. She hadn't really thought much of it at the time, but now it struck Tori as odd, given that clearly Jade wasn't close with her mother.

"Yeah but he is her Dad, and now she doesn't have her mom anymore" Andre trailed off, still working through the idea that one of his friends had lost a parent. Andre had lived with his Grandma since he started Hollywood Arts, his parents and little sister lived about an hour away, but it had made sense at as his Grandmother was starting to need more frequent care. Mostly she just needed a companion to help keep her grip on reality and it had the added bonus of making Andre's life easier when he got into Hollywood Arts. He couldn't imagine losing either one of his parents, while he didn't see them as much as school and work kept them all busy, he knew they were always there when he needed them.

It felt odd to Beck, as Tori and Andre were unknowingly rehashing a broader version of the ongoing debate that he'd had in his head most weekend. It struck him as quite telling that neither of them really knew what the relationship was like between Jade and her Dad but that Tori, of all people, was thinking it might not be a good idea.

"I don't think Jade will want to stay with her Dad" Robbie spoke up, having been uncharacteristically silent since he had rapidly gotten over his indignation at being the last to know. Robbie spent most of his time being terrified of Jade, terrified but quietly admiring. In his mind, Jade was never afraid to be who she really was when he needed Rex to talk for him most of the time. He knew she couldn't be all terrifying because Cat was her best friend, and Cat was to sweet in his mind to be friends with a truly terrifying person.

"She doesn't have a choice" Beck interjected, wanting to end the speculation as, even though Jade wasn't there, she wouldn't have thanked them for discussing her personal life like this. At their confused looks he sighed lightly.

"She's still a minor, and her father has parental responsibility so that's that effectively"

An uncomfortable silence fell again, Tori chewed nervously on her lip and Cat rocked ever so slightly in her spot.

"Does she need any more fruity things" Cat's voice was barely above a whisper, but she'd unfurled slightly. Beck mustered up a smile.

"No, she's still working on the pile you got her" he replied, please when a tiny smile tugged at the corner of her mouth.

"Fruity things?" Robbie questioned, somewhat bewildered.

"I left Mr Long Neck with her to look after her as well" Cat's voice was still quiet, but she didn't give Beck the chance to answer.

If at all possible, Robbie looked even more confused.

"Cat called me because Jade wasn't answering her phone, she came to the hospital to see her" Beck explained.

A wave of guilt swept through Andre at Beck's words, realising he'd done the reverse and called Jade to see why Beck wasn't answering his phone. He had found it odd enough that Beck had forgotten they had project work to do, calling Jade had been a last resort. In reality, he'd even been a little relieved she hadn't picked up in case Beck wasn't there and she got angry at him for assuming he would be.

"Is there anything we can do for her?" Tori asked, now feeling woefully inadequate that both Beck and apparently Cat had been shouldering this on their own. Beck shook his head.

"Not at the moment, she probably wouldn't have even wanted you all to know if you hadn't already found out"

"Ain't that the truth" Robbie snorted,

"Don't be like that" Beck said sharply "This is a hell of a lot for her, why would she want everyone to know?"

Robbie backed off realising his comment hadn't come across as he'd intended. Tori gave him a sympathetic look.

"How are you doing Beck?" Andre looked at his friend, scrutinizing his appearance; the bags under his eyes were clear indication that he wasn't doing too well himself.

"About as well as I can be, I think" Beck shrugged "I stayed at the hospital last night and I'm going back once I'm done here, but Lane asked me to hold on until he was done talking to Principal Eikner".

Andre stayed quiet for a moment, wondering how wise it was that Beck carried on spreading himself thin. After all, while it was obvious from the last few days events that Beck still cared deeply about Jade, they were broken up; Jade wasn't his responsibility. It was only then Andre realised a piece of the story was still missing.

"How did you find out Jade was in hospital?"

Beck visibly tensed, Andre's words immediately triggering the same image that he was sure had been burned into his skull from the moment he saw it.

"I, uh" Beck swallowed, fighting to keep his mind on track "I was the one who found her". Tori let out an audible gasp as Andre momentarily shut his eyes, allowing the new information to wash over them.

"Oh my god, Beck" Tori was almost speechless, but Beck shook his head. He couldn't deal with this now.

"I went looking for her after school, something didn't feel right" he rubbed his neck agitatedly "I found her, called the ambulance and then I've been at the hospital most of the time since".

Tori nodded, still shocked but suddenly even more understanding of her friend's haggard appearance.

"But it's good that you found her Beck, I mean" Tori grappled, trying to find some positivity "I mean, who knows what would have happened if" Tori broke off, practically slamming her mouth shut as she heard what she was saying. Luckily, Beck didn't seem upset by her accidental crassness.

"According to the Doctor it was just in time"

"Beck I'm sorry" Tori started but Cat cut across her.

"I know Jadey would have been glad it was you who found her".

Beck felt his heart clench at her words, as soft and sweet as they were. He managed a small smile at Cat but inside he was increasingly aware that he was unsure whether Jade was happy she was found at all.

Another silence fell upon the room, no one really knowing what else there was to say. Each person in the room was caught up in their own thoughts, trying to reconcile everything they'd just found out, well, apart from Beck. He was back to feeling the overwhelming tiredness that he'd come to know all too well although there was an underlying angst to it; he was hyper aware of the fact his phone had not buzzed again and therefore Jade had not tried to contact him. He tried to assume that no news was good news, but he couldn't be sure, not when he'd left her in such a vacant stake. Despite Lane's words only a few minutes ago, the little voice in the back of his head had already begun to berate him; it took a perverse glee in suggesting what might have happened to Jade while he wasn't with her.

As a result, Beck was not the only one who jumped as Lane re-entered the room. Lane cast a quick glance around the room, his eyes drifting from student to student in an attempt to gauge the mood. He tried not to get overly hung up on the friendship dynamics of his students, but this particular group had always registered as slightly different with him. Typically, in high school, students tended to band together because of their similarities not their differences. Whether those similarities were sports, drama, science and, even though Hollywood Arts was a performing arts school, Lane had always felt it still rang true regardless. The group of friends in front of him, of which Jade was a member no matter what she said, was different. They had a few things in common running across various members but nothing really uniting all of them like you would usually find, as far as Lane could tell.

Beck was an actor, Jade was a writer, Andre a musician through and through. Cat, she was a creative all-rounder and Robbie, well, as far as Lane was aware Robbie was still figuring out what interested him the most, but Rex was an indicator of a performer. Tori was also a performer, although singing seemed to be her chief interest, with less emphasis on writing of the music and more on the performance. No doubt, there were complementary interests across the group, but they were all very different people. They all ranked differently on the complex social hierarchy that made up the high school; With Beck and Tori ranking among the top in terms of popularity, Jade ranking highly but more for fear than popularity. Andre was lesser known, but his talent tended to speak for itself. Cat and Robbie were much lower, with Robbie almost an outsider had it not been for his connection to the others. The social dynamics of high school often made Lane want to shake his head in disbelief. Age afforded a wisdom that just didn't normally exist among large groups of teenagers for, as he looked around the room, he saw a group of five talented individuals worried for their equally talented friend, and nothing else mattered.

His eyes finally landed on Beck, who was looking up at him anxiously awaiting whatever he had to say.

"How are we all doing?" He started sympathetically but almost regretted it when his response was a handful of expressions ranging from confusion to annoyance. Retrospectively, it was a slightly pointless question, Lane admitted to himself.

"Obviously what you've heard is no doubt upsetting and if you want someone to talk to about it, my door is always open".

Again, he received no real response apart from a faint attempt at a smile from Tori.

"As it is, I do now need to speak to Beck and you should be getting onto next period" he gave them all a meaningful look. Tori looked like she wanted to object, but a quick look at Beck's defeated figure halted her complaint. She was the first to rise, tapping Andre on the arm as she went who joined her promptly.

"You'll keep us in the loop Beck?" She asked

"Yeah" Beck was only half listening, too busy thinking about what Lane might have to say to him.

"C'mon little red, time to go"

Beck had been so caught up in his thoughts, he hadn't realised that Cat hadn't attempted to move from her spot in the hanging chair. Cat's uncertain gaze flicked back and forth between Andre and Lane before finally settling on Beck.

"I'll text you when I get back to Jade's room" he said

"Promise?"

Beck nodded reassuringly.

"And I'm sure Jade will want to see you again soon" Beck hoped he wasn't pushing it too far by saying that, but he was certain that Cat's visit had helped Jade somewhat, even if all it did was provide a distraction.

Somewhat reluctantly, Cat unfurled herself and allowed Andre, who had walked over in the interim, to pull her to her feet. Lane held the door open as Andre, Cat and finally Robbie exited the room, the latter throwing one last conflicted look over his shoulder at Beck before the door shut.

Lane made his way over to the unoccupied sofa, Beck was now leaning forward on the cushion and Cat chewing on the end of her sleeve.

"I've spoken with Principal Eikner, who seems to appreciate the gravity of the situation" he addressed Beck with quite a grave tone "However, he isn't too pleased about your choice not to attend school".

Beck winced, it wasn't that he thought he'd get away with skipping without any issues but, he'd just hoped he wouldn't have to deal with it just yet.

"I managed to broker a compromise, given that Jade's recovery is going to take a while we were already thinking about arranging substitute coursework so she can study from home and he's making some of that available for you too".

Beck blinked in surprise, feeling like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

"Really?"

"Don't get too excited" Lane warned "You can study from home this week and then he expects you in at least two days of the week"

Beck deflated a little but still felt a little bolstered by Lane's news.

"You'll have to work hard to keep your grades up, honestly, if it wasn't for her Dad and your Mom, I'm not sure he would have gone for it".

"My mom?"

"Yes" Lane said, momentarily confused "When she called to tell us you wouldn't be in this morning and she'd given her permission?" Lane drew back, somewhat suspicious.

"You didn't know she was going to call, did you?"

Beck paused, considering the merits of lying but he couldn't bring himself to, not now Lane was fighting in Jade's corner. He shook his head.

"I called her on Friday, I needed someone to talk to after" he broke off, his brain threatening to take him there again "and I kept her updated over the weekend, but I didn't tell her I wasn't planning on coming in".

Lane almost rolled his eyes at the teenager's behaviour.

"Well, lucky for you, your mom clearly knows you better than you do".

Beck gave a small smile, suddenly filled with gratitude for both his mother and the eccentric counsellor.

"Right, keep an eye on your emails as the teachers will send work when they have it" They both stood, and Lane guided Beck over to the door but stopped him, holding out a folded slip of paper. Beck took it, somewhat confused.

"This is my mobile number" Lane explained "My personal phone, I wouldn't normally give it out to students, so it goes without saying I'd appreciate it if you didn't share it around".

He watched Beck unfold the paper, his student's expression now unreadable.

"If either you or Jade need someone to talk to, day or night, I want you to contact me" Beck looked up in surprise; he had not been expecting that.

"Thanks" Beck's voice was muffled with emotion, unsure how to properly show his gratitude for the guidance counsellor's gesture but Lane understood.

"Give Jade our best, someone will be in touch soon" he patted Beck on the back and watched him leave. A slight headache pulled at his temples.

'What a mess' he thought "Somehow I don't think this is going to be an easy ride'.

* * *

**I had a lot of fun writing this chapter, so I hope you've enjoyed reading it. No Jade, she's back in the next one but now the whole gang is coming into play as well. **

**As usual, a big thank you to everyone who reviewed – you make my endless working from home all that more enjoyable when I check my emails at the end of the day! Feel free to carry on sharing your thoughts! I hope everyone is still staying safe and healthy! **


	19. Chapter 19

Jade hadn't moved much since Beck had left. A nurse had been in with some breakfast which she'd picked at. Drinking wasn't so much of an issue, but she never seemed to feel hungry. Still, she'd eaten the fruit and some of the yoghurt to keep the nurses of her back, if nothing else. She'd returned to idly playing with the fur of Cat's beloved giraffe to distract her. More than once she seemed to have dozed off without actually falling asleep; she would notice the hands on the clock had shifted without her realising.

Jade hated it.

Her father's words were still replaying in her head on a continuous if random loop. She hated him too, or, at least she thought she did. Despite how he'd ended the conversation, Jade couldn't stop revisiting how he'd sounded when he'd told her she didn't make things easy for him, how he was trying to take responsibility for his failings. She now kept feeling a sliver of doubt within her; Was she part of the reason why their relationship had failed?

She tried to think back to nine-year-old Jade, the angriest little girl in her grade. Had she really made it so hard for her father to love her? Before the divorce, she'd heard her name thrown around in their arguments. When she was really little, she'd hidden under her bed with her hands clamped over her ears, trying to pretend she was anywhere else. Often, her mother would come up after the argument was finished and coax her out. She'd lure her out with the promise of ice cream, and they'd sit on her bedroom floor eating strawberry ice cream out of her mother's coveted fancy china bowls. Until one day, Jade's mother didn't bother to come up anymore and Jade would be left lying there for hours after, just waiting in the hope someone would come.

As she got older, she started to get angry. Angry at the fact she didn't have a normal family, as even then she could tell the difference between her parents and the other parents at her school. She'd channelled her anger and resentment into destruction, reaching for the nearest pair of scissors and unsuspecting notebook when the yelling started. Sometimes a notebook wouldn't be enough, sometimes she would reach for a shirt of her father's or a book of her mother's. The satisfying click of the scissors with the repetitive cutting motion made everything just about bearable until the shouting ceased and the uncomfortable quiet resumed.

When she'd started cutting up things, she'd got in a lot of trouble but overtime they ignored it, like they did everything else. The day her father left Jade had shut herself in her room and shredded the bottom of the curtains, after watching her father's car back down the drive. She'd gone into his closet and been halfway through cutting up his remaining ties before the first tear escaped her as she happened upon the tie she'd given him for his last birthday, in his favourite colours. She'd taken a twisted joy in cutting into as many pieces as she could. To this day, she didn't think he'd ever even noticed it was missing; she couldn't even remember him coming back to get the rest of his stuff.

She had shut herself back up in her room after that, lying on her bed and quietly hoping her mother would come up to her like she used to. With every passing hour her mother didn't appear, Jade had realised more and more that she couldn't rely on either one of her parents. It was the small hours of the morning when she stirred at the sound of her bedroom door opening, but she resolutely kept her eyes shut. She could remember her mother walking over to the bed and tucking the comforter in around her. She could remember the feel of her mother's hand as she'd brushed some errant hair off of her face. She could remember the almost too quiet to be heard voice as her mother had apologised to her supposedly sleeping form. Jade could even remember the surge of longing she'd felt, wanting to open her eyes and fold herself into her mother's arms but even then, she'd resisted; the first of many walls sliding firmly into place.

Things had never been the same after that. Her mother had started working longer hours, being out of the house at odd times. They had a housekeeper for a while who kept things ticking over, but she'd left after only a year; Jade suspected her mother had been too inconsistent with her wages. Slowly her relationship with her mother had fizzled down to the bare minimum and her father was practically unreachable. Now, sitting in her hospital bed, Jade couldn't help but let her mind wonder how much of this was her fault. She clutched harder at the soft fur under her fingers, feeling her chest start to tighten once again. She shut her eyes and tried to take a deep breath in, she held it for as long as she could finally letting it out in a rushed and painful exhale. It had achieved nothing. She drew her knees up closer, trying to move herself up the bed only to cry out in pain when she slipped and landed awkwardly, jostling her sling.

She stilled, waiting for the deep throb in her shoulder to subside somewhat. She was now lying in an odd position, balanced but only just. She felt another wave of frustration pass though her only for it to be quickly replaced by exhaustion. Everything was too much of a fight for her. Jade couldn't remember the last time something had come easily to her, and now she was all out of energy to care. She let her head drop onto the pillow, the rest of her body slumping into a still awkward but more stable position; the pain in her shoulder had settled to a dull roar. She idly thought about calling the nurses for some more pain relief, but the button lay just out of her reach and she couldn't bring herself to reach for it. The empty feeling from the previous day was creeping back in and this time she didn't even want to stop it.

* * *

When Beck walked in thirty minutes later, he was momentarily confused to see Jade's back facing him with what looked like one leg hanging off the opposite side of the bed.

"Jade?" He tried to announce his presence to not make her jump, but he didn't get an immediate response. Assuming she was asleep, he quietly approached the bed, taking a moment to get rid of his bag which was now weighed down with books and his jacket on the chair. Jade hadn't moved but her position was now making Beck frown.

'That cannot be comfortable' he thought, making his way to the other side of the bed only to be surprised when he found Jade was not only awake but almost lying on her broken shoulder.

"Jade, what are you doing?" he tried for a calm and measured approach.

Jade looked at him, eyes not giving her mood away.

"I got stuck" was her only explanation, and Beck had to fight not to smile.

"Need a hand?"

"No"

"Doesn't that hurt?"

"No" She answered to quickly, too emphatically for Beck to believe her even for a second.

"Come on" He reached out and grasped her good arm, allowing her to use it to pull herself up, albeit rather reluctantly. She all but shoved him off once she was righted, but Beck ignored it, all too aware that she probably wasn't in the greatest headspace. Instead he opted for settling back in the chair, pretending to occupy himself by sorting through the new books in his rucksack while really keeping an eye on Jade. As it was, Jade saw right through his attempts at nonchalance but swallowed her retort, too weary to care.

"Are you going to sit there all mysterious or share why you went to school for basically no time at all?"

Beck raised his eyebrows and pondered her words for a second. Her snarky attitude should have been a welcome return to normal, but there was something missing from it.

"I didn't think you would have wanted me to be gone for a long time?" He replied using the same calm tone as before. Beck was aware he was treading a thin line between not letting her get away with pushing him but also not pushing her too far himself.

Jade nearly snapped straight back at him, ready to counter his smart-arse comment by pointing out he didn't normally take into account what she wanted, but she held back. No matter how bleak everything felt, deep down she was grateful that he had come back so soon. Once again, she was reluctant to admit to herself just how much Beck's presence was keeping her from slipping completely into the empty void inside her head.

Jade purposefully schooled her features into what she hoped resembled a less angry and more irritated expression.

"You might as well just come out with it?"

"Come out with what?" Beck tried to play dumb but this time it was Jade who saw right through him.

"Who else knows?" Beck was caught off guard by the resigned tone, he had expected fury and indignation not a weary resignation.

"Well now Robbie, Lane and Principal Eikner" Jade flinched.

"Lane already knew as your dad rang the school, he cornered me on the way in"

"Wow, he really is trying to be parent of the year, I'm surprised he even remembered where I went to school" Jade's dark expression set Beck on edge, still ignorant as to the details of the conversation between the two.

"I tried not to go into too much detail" Beck broke the silence, suddenly overwhelmed with a need to reassure Jade he hadn't broken his promise completely. To his disappointment, Jade shrugged seemingly indifferent.

"It's not like it matters anymore" she picked at the threads of the bed sheet "Everyone was going to find out in the end" Jade yanked particularly violently, widening the hole that had been started just a few days earlier.

"They won't talk about it with anyone else" Beck spoke with a determined conviction, but his gaze was also distracted by Jade's handiwork.

Jade scoffed but didn't say anything further, still fiddling with the newly exposed threads.

"Lane said they're going to organise some stuff so you can do distance learning while you're recovering" Jade didn't react to this at all, the thought of something as normal as schoolwork seemed completely foreign to her now.

"And Cat wants to come and visit again" Beck let it hang there for a moment, unsure as to how Jade would react.

"Not today" Jade said quietly.

"No" Beck hurried "She didn't say anything about today, she just wants to see you".

Jade nodded slowly, tugging the threads more gently now. Beck watched Jade, somewhat encouraged by her lack of reaction and decided to test the waters a little further.

"They all wanted me to tell you that they're thinking of you".

Jade tried hard to supress her reaction to that, only an involuntary twitch of her eyebrow made it through. Beck frowned but Jade didn't care. She was still too hung up on everything that happened, the bitter feelings that they'd all quietly chosen Beck's side after the break-up; even Cat to some extent but for some reason she was easier to forgive. Maybe it was her wide-eyed innocence, maybe it was the long history between them or maybe it was the fact the Cat's life could be almost as fucked up as her own, Jade wasn't sure.

"Jade they do care about you" Beck wasn't willing to let it go so easily. He felt annoyed that Jade would be so dismissive but somehow, he was also desperate for her to believe there were people out there who genuinely cared for her.

"Is it too much to ask that I'm just responsible for my own feelings today? And not everyone fucking else's?"

Beck was thrown off by the bite that accompanied her words and quickly attempted to back off.

"Jade I didn't mean to make you feel-"

"I know" Jade cut across him, agitated "I know, but just not right now, okay?"

"Okay".

Silence fell again, and Jade tried hard to get herself back under her control. She hadn't mean to snap at Beck, but it was like she couldn't help herself; the minute he mentioned the others it had got under her skin far more than she would have ever anticipated. Of all of them, Beck was only trying to help, and she couldn't face the idea of driving him away now but at the same time the mention of the others had felt almost suffocating. Jade didn't understand it.

"So, you know the lights down at the intersection by Nozu?"

"What?" Jade was pulled from her introspection, blindsided by the sudden change in both topic and tone.

"The traffic lights by Nozu, you'll never guess who I saw while I was stopped at the lights"

Jade just stared at him.

"Four-eyed Arlo! I haven't seen him in so long I thought he'd found a new spot to inhabit".

When Jade didn't say anything further, Beck launched into a tale of the first time him and Jade had encountered four-eyed Arlo, a local spectacle-wearing hippie whose main past time seemed to consist of standing on street corners offering to read tea leaves, palms, tattoos, hairlines, stress lines and more; as far as Arlo was concerned if you had five bucks, then he would use something about you to get a reading. Jade and Beck had known of Arlo for a long time before they actually met him, he was something of a local celebrity. People joked about him but not unkindly, despite the fact that most of his predictions ended in doom, gloom and rather horrific deaths. Jade had been so amused by his display; he'd let him assess her future through the two pairs of scissors she had on her that day. Beck had declined but watched with fascination as Arlo did his thing and predicted an intricately dark future for Jade, which had made her smile all the wider in amusement.

Jade sat listening to Beck tell the story, trying to recall the day in her mind as he spoke but found that it was a little too much effort. Instead she just listened as Beck retold the story and then meandered from one topic to the next, upbeat but not annoyingly so. She knew what he was doing. He was running interference so she couldn't get lost in her own thoughts and it was working. He was just finishing a recollection of the first class they'd ever had with Sikowitz, which had been an eventful hour to say the least, when the door to the hospital room opened admitting a middle-aged woman. This women stood out as she wasn't wearing a nurse's uniform, but a long flowing skirt and blouse with her curly brown hair pulled into a loose bun.

"Jade West?" she asked in lieu of greeting

"Depends who's asking"

Jade looked her up and down, feeling an instant dislike for the woman.

"Jade" Beck admonished her but without any real intent. If anything, he was somewhat encouraged by her attitude asserting itself. The woman chose to ignore the exchange.

"I'm Dr Carolyn Williamson, I work with the hospital as a licensed psychiatrist with a specialism in trauma therapy".

Beck swore he could feel the temperature in the room drop with the woman's introduction. He could practically feel Jade shutting down next to him, the atmosphere now icy and hostile.

"They should have told you I'd be visiting today for an assessment".

Jade was now doing her best impression of a grey rock. Despite what she had said about maybe needing to talk to someone, every fibre of her being was screaming at the woman in front of her.

Carolyn didn't seem phased by Jade's lack of response; indeed, she came closer and thrust her hand out to Beck who waited a beat before shaking it lightly. Beck really did want Jade talk to a professional about everything, especially with it coming to light that she'd apparently been keeping everything inside for a lot longer than he originally thought. However, as he took in the woman in-front of him, he wasn't overwhelmed with a feeling of confidence. He knew you shouldn't make assumptions based on appearance but there was something about this woman and the way she presented herself that made him question how successful this would be.

"And who are you?" her tone was still brisk and business-like

"I'm Beck Oliver, her boyfriend" Beck shot Jade a look, but she didn't react.

"Ah, shouldn't you be in school?"

"They've given me permission for a leave of absence" Beck tried not to frown, but he wasn't sure what his school attendance had to do with anything.

"Well, this will probably take an hour or more so you should head off for the day" her tone brooked no room for argument, but Beck wasn't backing down that easily. He shifted so his back was to the newcomer and he was now facing Jade whose fingers had found the loose threads of her sheets again.

"Jade?" he asked quietly

"This isn't up for debate Mr Oliver" Carolyn interjected "These appointments are confidential"

"I'm not doing anything Jade doesn't want me to" he stated plainly without turning around.

"Jade?" he asked again, finding her eyes.

"You'll come back?"

"I'll wait right outside if you want" he could see the struggle in her eyes. The endless war between trying to squash her emotions and not wanting to be left alone in a room with a stranger when she felt this vulnerable.

She nodded almost imperceptibly, and Beck smiled at her, reaching out to squeeze her hand briefly.

"I must insist Mr Oliver, it's highly inappropriate for you to be loitering outside, listening into the appointment"

Beck felt his temper edging close to the surface, egged on by stress and lack of quality sleep, threatening to break his usually calm demeanour.

"Look, Ms Williamson, I understand you have a job to do but if Jade wants me to sit in the corner and take notes I would do, it is her decision" he stressed, taking a small amount of pleasure in the affronted-expression she was now wearing.

"As it is, I'll be outside doing my schoolwork, not listening in or loitering for that matter" he shook his head at the ridiculousness "The medical staff are happy for me to be here so I don't see why you think there is an issue". When she failed to respond, Beck gathered his bag and checked with Jade one last time.

"You know where I am if you need me" he said as he deliberately placed her phone into her lap. Without thinking he placed a kiss on her cheek before spinning on his heel to leave. As the door shut, he winced as he realised, he'd overstepped the boundaries again.

'Stupid, stupid, stupid' he berated himself, playing back the interaction in his head. He even now regretted getting smart with the therapist as surely it would only backfire on him. What if she stopped him staying overnight? He laid his head back against the wall, sighing deeply and shutting his eyes tightly. Kissing Jade's cheek had just felt so natural, he hadn't even thought about it as he put her phone down and she had tilted her head towards him.

His eyes snapped open.

_She tilted her head_.

The thought crashed over him a second time; he was certain she'd tilted her head towards him. The way she always used to when she was fishing for a kiss to her cheek or her head. It was one of those things that people didn't expect of Jade, for all her tough exterior she was a sucker for small gestures of affection. Was Jade acting on instinct as he was? Had she realised what she'd done? Or did she do it on purpose? Beck's thoughts were racing, caught between excitement and caution. He tried to calm them down, reminding himself that it wasn't really the time or the place. Yet, in some ways Beck couldn't deny just a small amount of hope for himself. Between the snarky response to the therapist and, knowingly or unknowingly, inviting affection there was hope that Jade was still in there somewhere.

* * *

In Jade's hospital room, the atmosphere had deteriorated with Beck's absence. Despite any motivation she'd had to actually speak to a professional was rapidly draining from her as she took in the woman standing in front of her. Jade could practically fill her anxiety rising, a growing hostility deep inside her as she looked the woman up and down. Her outfit was clearly designed to be non-threatening, a contrast to the formal and uniformed medical staff but it was having the opposite effect on Jade. It was as though everything about this woman was screaming at her to shut down, to say nothing. It was an almost visceral reaction and Jade couldn't explain it any more than she could fight it.

"As I was saying, my name is Carolyn and I received your referral from Dr Griffiths, who I believe is the doctor overseeing your treatment?" She looked at Jade, who gave nothing away.

"I'll be seeing you each day until we reach a point where I can come less frequently" she continued, her tone authoritative.

"In general, these sessions will last between one and two hours, although as today's is the first it may run longer".

Jade's face remained unchanged, a look of deep distrust. She couldn't imagine spending two hours every day with this woman.

"My job is to gain a thorough understanding of your particular issues and devise a treatment plan". Jade just stared at her.

Carolyn Williamson fought an internal sigh, recognising that the girl in front of her was not going to be an easy patient. Her file was sparse on exacting details, Dr Griffith's account having mainly come from other people, none of which were Jade herself which made sense now she was standing in front of the uncommunicative teenager. Carolyn moved to the empty chair, dragging it slightly so she could face Jade directly. Perhaps in retaliation, Jade directed her gaze towards the back wall. She chose to ignore it and plough on.

"I understand talking to a stranger is intimidating but everything you tell me is strictly confidential with the exception of if I believe you are a danger to yourself, others around you or in a legal capacity – do you understand?"

Still nothing.

"We're going to start off by simply reviewing the information in your file".

This piqued Jade's attention and she turned her head; she was unaware she had a 'file'; the very idea felt violating. What had the nurses and doctors been writing about her?

"You were brought in Friday afternoon with severe head wound and a broken shoulder, correct?"

Jade gave a short nod before she could stop herself. The file Dr Williamson was holding was less than ten sheets of paper thick, but Jade found she desperately wanted to know what was written on them. Encouraged by Jade's response, Dr Williamson continued,

"You received emergency surgery to stop the swelling in your head from which you are recovering well, although you are still suffering with intermittent, high intensity headaches"

Jade have a second nod of acknowledgement.

"You were brought in by Mr Oliver, who is also listed as your next of kin" This made Dr Williamson raise her eyebrows, she'd missed this particular detail in her preliminary reading of Jade's file.

"That's a bit unconventional, especially as he is also a minor" She looked at Jade, who didn't seem keen to divulge any information. Filing it away in her head for further investigation, she continued to read simply retelling Jade's first day in hospital from Dr Griffiths perspective, including the news of her mother's death.

"You've had a lot to deal with these last few days Jade"

Jade waited dutifully for the 'and how does that make you feel?' question, prepared to ignore it but it never came.

"Dr Griffiths has written that she was informed you sustained these injuries from an altercation with your mother, particularly as you had an additional injury that looked to be at least 24 hours old"

Jade's face split into a glare, completely unwilling to even discuss her mother with a complete stranger.

"She has reason to believe your mother has displayed abusive and neglectful behaviour to you over an extended period of time, would you agree with that assessment?".

'Yes' was the simple answer that Jade's mind supplied almost immediately, but the word never left her mouth. Jade could barely focus on the woman in-front of her as a deep shame filled her at the thought that the Doctor had been making these assumptions, maybe even talking to Beck. Now everyone was finding out how pathetic her life truly was.

Dr Williamson paused for a moment; Jade wasn't giving much away. The glare that had arrived so quickly had disappeared even faster, and now her face was impassive. Dr Williamson could see straight away that Jade had a long history of using emotional suppression and distancing to cope with her environment. This was not going to be easy.

"Your father has been generally uninvolved, following his divorce from your mother in 2004, so you would have been nine years old at the time?"

This time Jade didn't react at all, back to staring at the wall but with one difference as she had resumed fiddling with the loose threads. Dr Williamson spied it out of the corner of her eye but purposefully ignored it.

"Jade I need you to give me some indication here" Dr Williamson's tone became almost stern "I understand this is difficult, and I understand you don't want to talk but you need to understand that if you only talk to one person, it should be me".

Jade felt the familiar anger rising quickly inside her, except this time it was different to the past few days, fuelled by a strong bitterness as the Doctor's words. Did she really think she understood her situation so well?

"You seem to have everything you need to know in front of you" The words were stubborn, deflective and bordering on hostile. Indeed, Jade wouldn't have said anything at all, but she got the feeling Doctor Williamson wasn't going to simply leave her alone.

"Except I don't" Dr Williamson countered "These are cold hard facts; I don't know how they've affected you beyond the attitude you are currently displaying"

"And what attitude am I displaying?" Jade wasn't falling for that trick; she knew enough to know the Doctor was trying to provoke; to get her angry enough that she'd start to talk. Jade was angry, but she'd had many years of practice at harnessing the anger and redirecting it.

In retaliation, Dr Williamson raised her eyebrows, the anger taking her slightly by surprise as she had assumed Jade would continue ignoring and avoiding her enquiries, refusing to engage with her directly.

"Well you're angry and uncommunicative, you show all the classic signs of a person who supresses emotions that they don't want to deal with" Dr Williamson had decided to meet Jade's challenge "You also have developed a potentially unhealthy co-dependency with your boyfriend". Dr Williamson had spoken at length with Dr Griffiths about the young boy who featured in Jade's profile, somewhat concerned for his welfare as much as trying to understand his role in her patient's life.

Despite Jade's best efforts, the comments about Beck hit her hard. Notwithstanding the fact that her and Beck were technically no longer together, she really did appreciate how he had been since the incident. The idea that she had become dependent, or even co-dependent on him made her want to throw the stupid file right at Dr Williamson. As far as Jade was concerned, she wasn't dependent on anyone, that was basically her MO. Her whole life had shown her she could only really depend on herself. Right?

"I'm not dependent on Beck" Jade spoke before she could stop herself, although the words weren't completely directed at Dr Williamson.

"He stayed because he wanted to, he could leave any time" the anger had faded from her words, replaced by a quiet urgency as she tried to reassure herself. The thought of Beck leaving made her chest tighten unpleasantly.

Dr Williamson stayed quiet, studying Jade as she attempted to work through her thoughts. She had been trying to provoke a reaction but had actually been targeting something related to her parents. It was interesting that Jade had homed in on this particular detail, especially considering the wider context of her situation.

"I'm not dependent on Beck" This time she was firmer, some of her previous anger returning.

"Okay"

The reply was also designed to trigger a reaction and, unlike Dr Williamson's earlier attempt, this one hit its mark.

"Who the hell do you think you are?" Jade started to raise her voice "You have no idea what my life is like, what I'm like and you can fuck off if you're going to sit there and pass judgment, pretending like you have a clue what's going on" Jade was breathing heavily now as she seethed, glaring daggers at the impassive face of Dr Williamson. She was all too aware that her head had started to throb again in earnest, reacting to the rise in blood pressure.

"I didn't say I knew who you were, but you don't seem to want to tell me, so I drew my conclusions like you asked me to" Dr Williamson was treading carefully, albeit masterfully hiding it behind an almost flippant tone. It was fine line with patients between getting them to open up and pushing them too far, making them unlikely to trust enough to open again.

Jade gritted her teeth, still glaring at her as she realised, she'd played straight into her hands.

"Jade, I'm not here to pass judgement on you, I'm here to help you get the help you need".

"I don't need your help" Jade snapped.

"Well the medical staff at the hospital disagrees with you, and I'm afraid their opinion is taken very seriously"

'_Here we go again'_ Jade thought '_It's the same old story, what I want doesn't count for anything'_.

Almost the same way someone flicks a switch, Jade felt herself checkout. Her gaze drifted back to the opposite wall, faltering only slightly as her gaze crossed over the door and she saw a swish of brown hair outside the door. Her insides lurched before she frantically squashed it down, refusing to acknowledge the reaction, as her brain taunted her that she was only proving Dr Williamson's point.

Dr Williamson tried several times to refresh the conversation, but Jade refused to engage; it concerned her more than she could show, wondering if she had pushed too far too soon. She went through the rest of Jade's file to no avail, with Jade acting as though she wasn't even in the room, let alone rehashing the details of what had happened to her on the previous Friday. After just over an hour, Dr Williamson decided it was time to call it a day and that maybe Jade would benefit from some reflection time.

"We should leave it here for now, I'll be back tomorrow though" Jade remained unresponsive.

"Jade, I know you don't feel like it at the moment, but you will never be able to heal unless you start talking" Dr Williamson stood, trying to capture Jade's attention but was ultimately unsuccessful. "It's something you should think about".

Beck hastily re-opened his textbook as he heard footsteps approaching the door as Dr Williamson made her exit. She used the guise of leafing through the file to avoid interacting with him as she walked off down the corridor and, no sooner had she turned the corner, Beck was shoving the book back into his bag and returning to Jade's room. He hadn't heard most of what was said, although he did feel a little ashamed after he had been so clear that he had no intention of eavesdropping. He really had tried to focus on schoolwork, he'd even text his mom to bring her up to date and thank her for ringing the school but the minute he heard Jade's voice raise, his good intentions had been shattered. He still didn't know what had caused her to almost shout, but he had heard his name thrown around, so he assumed it wasn't good. Jade didn't look up as he returned to his chair, but he noticed almost immediately that her fingers on her good hand were bright red and the sheet had a considerably larger hole than earlier. Even now, she was still alternating between tugging on the threads and wrapping them around her fingers and tugging again.

"Jade?"

He wasn't surprised when she didn't react, but it didn't stop his stomach from dropping slightly. He didn't expect her to react brilliantly to the shrink, but he had been hoping it wouldn't be this bad. He had never really seen her go into herself like she had since the incident, sure he had known her to throw a mood or attempt the silent treatment, but this was like something else entirely. As it was, he had down a cursory google search for some tips and context on Jade's behaviour. It all seemed to agree that in the immediate aftermath, not to put pressure on the victim; he knew Jade would have hated to be called a victim, but the advice seemed to make sense to Beck. He settled back into the chair, pretending to be content to wait until Jade was ready to talk. His only slight indulgence was to pick up the hand that was still, almost obsessively, tugging at the threads and hold it in his own. She gave an involuntary twitch but nothing else, including no attempt to remove it. Beck gently stroked the back of her hand with his thumb, hoping she'd come back to him soon.

Unknown to both of them, Dr Williamson lingered outside the room, standing at an angle so as to peer through the window without minimal risk of detection. She needed to understand more about the relationship between the two, and the role Beck played in Jade's life. She studied Beck's interaction with interest, the way he picked up on her signals before even speaking her name but also the defeated body language when Jade didn't respond. She was surprised Beck was able to hold her hand without Jade reacting, no longer convinced Jade's unresponsiveness was purely active avoidance but perhaps disassociation, a recognised although not all too common symptom of PTSD.

Dr Williamson frowned as she watched Beck watch Jade, her concern now extending to him although there was little she could do as he wasn't under the hospital's jurisdiction.

'Still' she thought 'That might become a conversation at a later date'.

She carefully backed away from the door, keen to avoid sudden movements which may bring attention to her observations. She finally headed off down the corridor to find and brief Dr Griffiths.

* * *

The first thing Jade was really aware of was the warm feeling encompassing her hand. After some time passed, although she wasn't sure how much, she realised it was the sort of warmth she'd come to associate with someone holding her hand. Beck, her mind supplied. She slowly started to become more aware of the room around her but with a degree of confusion; when had the irritating head doctor left and Beck returned? She blinked a few times, trying to work out how much time had passed. The clock on the wall showed it was just after 1pm, lunch time she realised after a moment's thought. She gingerly turned her head to look at Beck who was engrossed in tapping something out on his phone with his free hand. As such, it took Beck a moment to realise he was being watched and looked up.

"Hey, you're back, how are you feeling?" His phone was almost immediately forgotten as he turned his full attention to her, a small smile appearing on his face.

However, Jade was confused at his words.

"Back? I didn't go anywhere, did I?" She couldn't remember leaving the room, but she supposed that might explain how she missed Beck returning and the other woman leaving. Beck's smile faded replaced by a tight concern.

"Well you didn't go anywhere exactly but you've been sort of out of it". Jade looked at him, brow furrowing, she couldn't really remember much beyond a roaring in her ears that had made it kind of hard to focus. If she really concentrated, she thought she could remember Doctor Williamson talking to her but after she'd accused of dependency, she couldn't really remember what was said.

"I think I'm losing my mind" It was more to herself than to Beck, but Beck squeezed her hand a little tighter, nonetheless.

"You're not Jade, I think this is all part of experiencing trauma" Jade physically winced at the word trauma, it seemed like such an exaggerated word.

"How can you say that?" Beck was astonished but Jade hadn't even realised that she'd muttered her thoughts aloud. Beck suddenly became agitated, the same feeling he'd experienced in Lane's office but this time it was almost on her behalf as opposed to his own.

"Jade you nearly died, and your mother overdosed and did die, and your father has once again proved that he has all the paternal skills of a saucepan, like how can you even think trauma is an overreaction here?"

Jade blinked, still struggling past the saucepan metaphor, as she took in Beck's clear outrage. His hair was sticking up as he'd brushed a hand clumsily though it, his eyes open wide and his eyebrows raised. Before Jade knew what was happening, a strangled sound escaped her; a laugh, she realised belatedly.

Beck just stared at her as a second sound escaped her, her hand involuntarily raising to her mouth to stifle it. Beck found he couldn't fight the corners of his own mouth quirking before a full belly laugh escaped his own mouth. It was complete madness to them and to anyone else, had there been anyone else present but, in that moment, they just couldn't stop.

The laughter only lasted for a few seconds but in some ways, it felt like hours, subsiding as Jade's head started to protest the vigorous movement and reduced breath intake.

"I think that was inappropriate" Jade mused although she didn't sound in the least bit regretful "I'm definitely losing my mind".

"I think it's all part of it too, loss of emotional control" Jade quirked an eyebrow but looked vaguely threatening,

"I'd stop right there, Beck" Her voice was neutral enough, but Beck knew a warning when he heard one, and he didn't want to spoil the lighter mood that the laughter had brought. The quiet was comfortable for a moment before Beck realised, he was going to have to break it, one way or another.

"I take it, it didn't go well with Dr Williamson?" Jade's expression darkened almost instantly.

"I know you don't like her, but it's her job to help". His words did nothing to soothe Jade, who had felt the anxiousness spike alongside the anger at the thought of the Doctor's promised return.

"She was rude" Jade bit out, cringing slightly at how childish it sounded.

"How was she rude?" Beck was trying to tread carefully, not wanting Jade to feel she had to divulge private details, but he was still anxious to understand how his own name had come up.

"She just was, okay?" Jade felt her heat beat faster, why didn't anyone listen to her?

"Okay" Beck backed off

"I don't get why I don't get a choice"

"What do you mean 'a choice'?" Beck questioned carefully, well aware that she probably wouldn't like the answer as to why teenage trauma victims couldn't choose their own treatment options.

"I don't want to talk about it, especially not with a complete stranger" Jade ground out, her fingers scrabbling for the bed sheets again. Beck noticed the action and frowned but resisted the temptation to intervene.

"You said the other day that you thought talking to someone might help"

"Well I was wrong" Jade said flatly, her fingers now resuming the abuse of the hospital sheets.

"So, what are you going to do? I mean, she'll be back tomorrow, right?"

"I'm not talking to her"

"Jade I think you have to"

"There you go again" her voice was raised and angry "I don't _have_ to do anything".

Beck thought he was beginning to get a better understanding now. His research, while it was admittedly brief, had covered key signs and symptoms of PTSD as well as common thought patterns and feelings, and the feeling of being powerless was a key theme. He tried to see things from Jade's perspective, her life had been decimated overnight, she had years of abuse that had gone unnoticed and even now things had been noticed she had far less agency than before. He stuffed his hands into his pockets, frowning as he wondered how they could get past this. It was when his hand hit something that rustled that he had an idea.

"How about a compromise?" he said suddenly, catching Jade off guard.

"What do you mean?"

"Well" Beck swallowed, wondering whether Jade would actually go for this "If you see Dr Williamson in the morning, and she does her thing, diagnoses you or whatever, and then you can ask to choose your own therapist"

"I don't want any head doctor" Jade replied stubbornly "Anyway who would I pick?"

"Lane"

"No way" Jade shook her head firmly, barely wincing as the pain laced through again.

"Wait a minute, I did say compromise, isn't it better to talk to someone who already knows you?".

Jade's glare remained in-tact, her face set in disagreement.

"Look, he gave me his phone number before I left and said if either of us wanted to talk to call him, at any time" Beck pulled out the bit of paper, showing Jade he was telling the truth. He could have sworn he saw her expression shift slightly.

"Just, think about it" Beck reasoned "Please?".

Jade nodded, her eyes now focusing on the crumpled paper which Beck set down on the side. He wasn't sure if it was progress or not, he didn't even know if Lane would be an option but at least it gave her something to think about. If she really didn't want Lane, it might make Dr Williamson look like the better option anyway. Try as he might, Beck couldn't quieten down the worry at Jade's continuous zoning out, especially as she didn't always seem to know she was doing it. His thoughts were disrupted as an orderly entered with a trolley, containing what Beck assumed was left of lunch after everyone else on the floor had been served. None of it looked particularly appetising but Jade hardly noticed, her gaze still fixed on the flimsy scrap of paper resting on the bedside unit.

* * *

**Sorry it's a day later than usual, I struggled to get this one going in the middle and I'm hoping it's come across okay. Things are moving back and forward for both Jade and Beck, but they're still hanging in there. **

**Thank you very much to everyone who read the last chapters, and those who left reviews. Please carry on sharing your thoughts on the story, I really appreciate it. **


	20. Chapter 20

The remainder of the afternoon passed quietly by, with Jade content to sit in silence inadvertently forcing Beck to log on and start some of the schoolwork he'd been set. He passed comment a few times on various assignments, but Jade didn't really seem to want to engage and Beck didn't push her. Between her father's early visit and the psychiatrist, he wasn't surprised Jade wasn't in the mood for any more interaction. He was almost certain that she had completely checked out a few times throughout the afternoon, but it wasn't constant. He'd spent practically the whole afternoon with one eye on his Pearbook and the other on Jade's face, trying to glean any indication of where her mind was, of whether she back in that place where no one seemed to be able to reach her. Unfortunately, beyond when she was irritated, Jade's expressions had never given much away and that was only exacerbated now.

Still, he was somewhat comforted with the fact she seemed like she had made a slightly better effort in eating some of the lunch that was served; it hadn't looked nearly as bad as the previous night's dinner. Beck had come up with a new plan to try and entice Jade to eat, and had spent the whole afternoon snacking intermittently, ensuring there was always something available. He hadn't yet had any success but, Beck was in it for the long haul, still concerned with how thin Jade looked now she was in her own clothes. Now he was trying to pretend he was interested in solving the quadratic formulas that their maths teacher had set him as an interim assignment. Beck wasn't bad at maths, but he didn't care for it, and the work was proving just too difficult for him at that moment. Jade had much more of a brain for maths than he did, there was something about it that just clicked for her, not that she had much of an interest in it either.

With a sigh he shut the lid of his Pearbook and stuffed it into his bag. His stomach took that moment to grumble loudly, as though it was reminding him that spending the afternoon snacking was no substitute for missing lunch and dinner.

"I was thinking I'll run back to the RV when you have your dinner and get some other stuff"

To his immense surprise, Jade turned her head almost immediately.

"Didn't you go this morning?"

Beck shook his head in response,

"Didn't even occur to me for some reason"

"Oh"

"Is that okay?" Beck prodded, unsure what to make of her reaction.

"It's fine, you don't have to ask my permission before you do anything" her tone was instantly snarly.

"I know" Beck tried to placate her, thrown off by the sudden U-turn in attitude "I know I don't have to, but I want to"

"Well don't".

Beck swallowed his reply, not wanting to be drawn into an argument.

"Do you still want me to come back this evening?" Beck swallowed, hoping her agitation was general and not directed solely at him. Jade paused a moment.

"I don't want to inconvenience your day any further" the bitterness practically seeped out of her words filling the room and Beck felt a weight appear in his stomach.

"Don't be like that"

"Like what?"

"I'm not going to fight with you" he stated plainly, recognising Jade's attitude all too well. The motivation may be different now, but he knew when she was looking for an argument and Beck wasn't playing.

Shuffling in the corridor signalling the evening meal was making its way around, simultaneously drowning out Jade's angry, albeit under her breath, growl. Beck rose out of the chair and gathered his stuff, aware that despite her anger Jade was watching him out of the corner of her eye.

"I'll see you in a couple of hours" Jade barely inclined her head in acknowledgement, but Beck brushed it off. He probably should have been more concerned about how she was blowing hot and cold but, given the nature of the day she'd just had, it was easier to just accept it.

* * *

Jade sat alone picking at the rather uninspiring selection of food on the tray in front of her. She still wasn't really bothered by food in general, having only really made an effort with lunch as she knew Beck was watching her. He'd snacked practically all afternoon and at times the smell of the sweetness had almost made her want to vomit, but she didn't say anything. In truth, she was struggling to recall the entire afternoon; it was like she had blank spaces in her mind and some if had just passed in a blur. Sometimes she could have sworn that she wasn't asleep, but it was like she had no connection to the room at those times either. She'd been trying to sort through things in her head, trying to think of the accident and her mother after Dr Williamson had forced them to the forefront of her mind earlier that morning. She tried to think about Beck, about whether she was too dependent on him, was she really that pathetic? But it was like every time the thoughts were within her grasp, they slipped through her fingers and before she knew it, the hands on the clock had changed again.

She felt a stab of guilt as she recalled how she'd lashed out at Beck before he left.

'He didn't deserve that' she thought 'He doesn't deserve any of this'.

Jade wondered how as she'd managed to wreck her life, she'd also managed to drag her ex-boyfriend down with her. That was the one thing Jade had managed to establish in her more lucid moments, despite what Beck had said, she'd had a hand in this destruction. It had gone on for so long and she'd done nothing but avoid and aggravate the situation with her mother, with her father, with all of it. Beck had broken up with her to get away from drama and now she'd just pulled him straight back in. She knew the right thing to do would be to let him go, to tell him to leave and she knew he would. Nevertheless, no matter how relentlessly her mind berated her for it, called her out on her selfishness, Jade couldn't bring herself to do it. Beck was the one thing she felt she could depend on, which both comforted and angered her in equal measure. Hadn't she learnt that depending on anyone but herself was a dangerous game?

When Emma came in to help Jade get ready for the bed she found her patient both silent and angry. After her previous attempts to help Jade open up had turned sour, Emma kept her distance but decided to try something different.

"Right, how do you feel about walking to the bathroom?"

Jade looked at her, as if not quite understanding.

"You should be fine to move, and you must be getting sick of washes in bed?".

For all her apathy, Jade felt something move inside her at the thought of moving from the bed and maybe even having a shower. She nodded and Emma bit back her smile at the small victory.

"We'll have to go slow, your muscles haven't been used properly in a few days" She carefully helped Jade manoeuvre herself to the edge of the bed, getting her feet secure in a pair of hospital-brand flip flops.

Despite Emma's warning, the weakness in her legs caught Jade off-guard and she nearly fell straight back onto the bed. She felt her anger simmering away at the surface, finally at risk of boiling over after Beck had refused to argue with her earlier.

"Come on" Emma was relentless, having caught her under her good arm. She laced her other arm around Jade's back, ignoring the automatic tension in Jade's muscles at the action.

Every step felt like the last of a marathon, her muscles felt like she hadn't used them in a year let alone a few days and a persistent light-headedness kept threatening to overwhelm her. They didn't even manage to make it to the door before Jade stumbled. Usually Emma would have placed her patient into a wheelchair, but her intuition told her that was not an option Jade would even consider.

"Normally I'd say don't push yourself" Emma said wryly "But you're angry, so use it"

Jade glared at her, although the pounding in her head gave her such a squint it didn't have the usual threatening power.

Between the two of them, it took about 10 minutes to get Jade out of the room and 10 meters down the corridor to the patient shower room. Before Jade had always laughed at the foldable shower seats, making jokes about the elderly, but as she collapsed onto the hard plastic, she had a whole new appreciation for the safety equipment. As she caught her breath, Emma busied herself gathering bits and pieces together before helping Jade out of her sling and her shirt.

"I'll wait outside of you're happy to do the rest?" Emma knew how easy it was to lose all dignity in a hospital.

"Knock when you're ready to start showering".

All of a sudden, Jade was alone. She carefully raised herself out of the chair on still shaky legs, using her good hand to push down the elasticated waistband of her pants. It took a little bit of wiggling, but she managed to push them free, feeling a small tug of satisfaction as she kicked the last leg off. It was only after she'd disposed of her underwear in the same way and tried to pull the flimsy curtain across, that she realised her clothes were still in the firing line for the water.

Gritting her teeth at as pain laced across her shoulder, she bent down to pick them up before shuffling them across the room to join where the nurse had left her shirt on a peg. It was only as she turned that she saw it. A pale girl with dark circles rimming her eyes and hair hanging limp down her face looking at her. It took Jade almost half a minute to realise the girl she was looking at was her reflection in the small mirror on the adjacent wall. Jade stared, trying to take in the reflection who was all but a stranger to her now.

Without even realising, she shuffled closer to the mirror until she was so close her breathe cause a small mist on the reflective surface. She couldn't believe how different she looked; it was as though all her features were wrong. She was there but she wasn't. Her eyes were pale, having taken on an almost glassy quality, rimmed by dark circles that had nothing to do with her unusually absent eye liner. Her cheekbones seemed almost too prominent against her pallid skin and her hair hung lifeless and dull. She could see clearly where the glass tumbler had sliced open her head, as the surrounding hair was greasy and clinging together. The site of where they had drilled into her head was less conspicuous, only given away by the difference in thickness of her hair and the way it fell there.

Jade swallowed, hardly daring to breathe in the hope that the reflection wasn't real, hoping that it wouldn't move with her, only to be disappointed. It was just another thing in her life that had slipped beyond her control.

"Jade, you okay in there?" Emma's voice was tinged with concern.

"Yeah" Jade continued to stare at her reflection for another moment, wondering how she could tell Emma she was okay, when she felt like the furthest thing from it. With what felt like a colossal effort, she pulled herself away from the mirror and back to the shower area, pulling the flimsy curtain and turning the water on. She heard Emma re-enter the room and clear her throat.

"I'll stay here until you're done, unless you want to wash your hair"

"You don't have to stay" The words were out of Jade's mouth before she processed it, something that had been happening a lot recently.

"Nice try but you barely made it in here without passing out" Emma's forthright response surprised Jade but she found herself oddly appreciative of it.

Letting her good arm test the water before stepping under. As she stepped under the spray Jade felt a strange feeling come over her as the warm water ran down her body. The water was soothing in a way she couldn't identify, just allowing it to wash over her she found a few tears leaking out of her eyes, only to be washed away. Jade carefully lifted her good arm up to swipe at them, confused to find no more were coming. She turned her face further into the spray, simply allowing the feeling to fill her up before she began to clumsily wash her body. She was lucky enough to forgo the generic hospital toiletries in favour of those that Beck had brought with him. The familiar smell of her vanilla flavoured body wash prompted another wave of emotion for Jade, the familiarity again making her feel oddly soothed. She eyed up the shampoo, unwilling to ask for Emma's help despite her rapidly tiring body. She manoeuvred herself into the chair and twisted so the spray was aimed at the wall, allowing her to awkwardly spread shampoo onto her roots. All the time she was aware that her broken shoulder was becoming more uncomfortable, but Jade felt a new determination; If she managed nothing else, she would do this.

It took over twenty minutes but finally Jade was satisfied she was clean. Emma had stayed silently on the other side of the curtain, tracking her movements in the shadow on the curtain to be sure she didn't need to intervene. She was impressed at the grit and determination in her patient, even if she was a challenge to nurse at times. Emma readied a towel as the water turned off.

"You might want to get your boyfriend to bring a better towel, these hospital ones aren't all that" she commented casually, helping Jade secure the towel around her. Emma was quick to step back and let Jade take the lead.

"I've got your clean clothes, your boyfriend said on the way out he'd bring some more for tomorrow". Truth be told, Emma had cornered him on the way out to ask for Jade, and Beck had warned her then that Jade wasn't in a great place.

Getting Jade dried and dressed was a somewhat slower effort than getting undressed, the whole thing left Jade a type of exhausted she hadn't felt before. In the end, it was easier to just let Emma help rather than trying to do it all herself, it was uncomfortable to be so vulnerable in front of someone, but the tiredness overrode that quite quickly. Emma towelled her hair off gently, being extra mindful of the two wounds, glad that they had held up with the dressings now removed.

As they made the slow journey back to her room, Jade could practically feel herself trying to fall asleep. It was a relief when she settled back into the bed, tucking herself under the thin covers almost immediately. Emma moved her puffy jacket within her reach and shook her head as she watched Jade's eyelids droop.

"Someone will be here in a bit for your evening medication"

"No sleeping pills" Jade murmured, still fighting to stay awake.

"Not if you don't want them, besides today I think you're tired enough"

"I don't know why though" Jade's response was more to herself, but Emma made a noise of understanding,

"It all comes back to trauma, your body has gone through extreme stress and all your energy is being directed to recovery. Add to that the fact that you're eating very little and haven't been out of the bed since Friday" Emma paused as Jade looked up at her properly, seemingly understanding what she was saying.

"It's going to take time Jade, that's why you need to take it easy, focus on small steps".

Jade gave a small nod and Emma excused herself.

Alone again, Jade couldn't help but let her mind wander back to the bathroom, to the girl in the mirror. Her reflection looked like the epitome of everything she despised, weak and pathetic. She didn't want to be that girl; she hated that girl, was it really who she had become?

When the nurse came in with her final pills for the day, Jade took them without complaint, somewhat eager to dull the pain in her shoulder. Before she knew it, Jade found herself drifting off to sleep, taking some comfort in the clean feeling that resided after her shower.

* * *

When Beck returned to the hospital a little after eight, the last thing he expected to see was Jade fast asleep in her bed. He paused for a second, taking in the sight with a somewhat bemused expression, before continuing with slightly more caution than before. He surmised she had showered from the dampness of her hair, but he was surprised she wasn't wrapped in her jacket as she always complained wet hair made her cold. He quietly made the chair up for the night and switched the main lights off, swapping to the overbed lamp as he pulled out his Pearbook to continue with his schoolwork.

It was several hours later that Beck became aware that something wasn't right. The first thing he realised was that someone had turned the lights out, he scrambled for the switch before realising the lights weren't out, but rather his eyes were shut. Like a bolt of electricity had shot through him, his eyes snapped open and his body tensed. He moved suddenly to stop his Pearbook from hitting the floor as his movement jolted it from its precarious position on his lap. Sliding it onto the floor, Beck shook his head trying to work out what was going on, still disorientated as his eyes blinked to accommodate the light from the lamp. He hadn't realised he'd fallen asleep, apparently in the middle of his schoolwork, but now he didn't know why he was awake either. He ran a hand through his hair before the next piece of the puzzle slot into place with a movement to his left.

Jade was tossing in her sleep, her legs tangled up in the sheet. Beck frowned. He had seen her do this the previous night, but not quite to this extent. He studied her for a second, hoping that she would settle before he heard it, a barely there whimper, accompanied hardly a second later with another frantic movement.

"Jade" he tried to call quietly, not wanting to jerk her from her sleep "Jade".

It wasn't enough to break through her sleep, as her stilted movements continued with a second whimper, this one slightly louder than the first. Despite everything Beck had observed and experienced with his ex-girlfriend in the past few days, there was still something deeply unsettling about hearing her make such a pitiful noise.

"Jade" he tried again, now louder as he rose from the chair waiting a beat before he put his hand over her good arm and shook.

"Jade?"

Jade frantically tried to yank her arm from his grasp, yelping in pain as she tried to move her other hand, still bound by the sling. The pain was enough to jerk her from her sleep, sitting bolt upright breathing heavily as the pain overwhelmed her.

"Shit, shit, shit" She ground out, eyes squeezed tightly shut as the light-headedness flooded her. Beck felt both guilt at her pain but relief that she was now awake. He rubbed slow circles on her back, trying to provide some comfort. Slowly, her breathing evened out and some of the tension started to leave her body.

"You good? Do you want me to call the nurse?" Beck asked, although he had a feeling that he already knew the answer.

"It's fine" Jade breathed, gingerly moving her good shoulder "What time is it?"

"A little after three" Beck watched her carefully, wanting to be satisfied that she really was okay.

"What happened?"

"I'm not sure, you looked like you were having a bad dream".

Jade frowned at this, unable to remember even falling asleep let alone whether or not she had been dreaming.

"I don't remember anything" She tried to dismiss it, but Beck didn't want to let it go so easily.

"You were twitching and tossing" he gestured to the tangled sheets around her legs "And you also started, well, whimpering".

Jade felt her face flush with embarrassment. Jade West did not whimper. At least, she never used to. Beck could practically hear her internal beratement for something beyond her control. He stayed quiet, knowing nothing he could say would really help at this point, and continued his slow circles on her back.

"I don't know how much longer I can do this" Jade admitted quietly "It's only been a few days, but this is unbearable".

Beck tried to take in what she was saying, the words only serving to grow the dread that was so often settling inside of him.

"But Jade, that's the point, it has only been a few days, you can't expect things to suddenly be normal"

Jade understood what he was saying, she really did, but it seemed impossible. When she'd been under the warm spray of the water earlier, just for a moment, things had seemed infinitesimally better, but it hadn't lasted beyond the bathroom. Now it was 3am, she was having nightmares she couldn't remember, which apparently went hand in hand with the large chunks of the day she seemed to be losing.

"I just can't see it changing" she confessed with a worrying finality, her eyes searching out Beck's as though she was begging for him to say everything would be okay with a certainty that she wouldn't be able to ignore.

Beck stayed quiet, his heart slowly breaking yet again for the girl in-front of him. He wanted to offer her promises that things would improve, but the words died in his throat. They would seem cheap and meaningless, as he could promise nothing of the sort.

"Jade, I can't tell that everything is going to be okay" His own admission seemed to make her wilt, her walls sliding back into place. He used his spare hand to hold hers, now holding her gaze intensely,

"But you can only try, and I promise I'll be here for you every step of the way".

A flicker of emotion danced across Jade's eyes, unidentified by Beck, before she looked down at their hands. The guilt from earlier was tying her stomach in knots at the thought of Beck becoming any more involved in her mess. She swallowed trying to gather herself for what she needed to say.

"Beck, I don't want you to be a part of this"

Beck felt like his stomach had dropped out through the floor, like he'd been punched and dropped into a bucket of ice-cold water all at once.

"What?" It was about all he could manage as the rejection ricocheted through him.

"I just-" Jade struggled for words, grappling with the obvious hurt written across his face "I just think it's best if I do this on my own" She tried to sound firm, but her tone wavered ever so slightly "I don't want to be dependent on you and we're not even friends, Beck". She took her hand out of his.

Her words stung like nothing had before as Beck tried to absorb what she was saying. His eyes narrowed, as he realised, she was using the same argument as before, pretending that their relationship meant nothing anymore. Something wasn't adding up, he liked to think he always knew when Jade was lying. Granted, recent events made him realise he didn't always know when she was holding information back, but he was pretty certain she wasn't being honest with him now.

"Okay, I'll go but, only if you tell me what this is really about"

"I just did?" Jade was agitated now.

"No, you didn't, or at least not all of it" Beck was nearly glaring at her "I know you, Jade, even if you don't want to admit it and you're telling me what you think will make me leave".

Jade's breathing quickened at Beck's frankness. Deep and meaningful conversations with heavy emotions had never really been their forte, but now she felt like he had ripped the floor out from beneath her.

She stuttered but fell silent, feeling anger flood her at her inability to find the words she needed to let him go.

"Jade, tell me what's really going on and then I'll do whatever you want"

"I don't want you tangled up in my mess" She managed finally, dropping her gaze to her lap. Beck exhaled.

"Jade, this isn't your mess" He was beginning to understand now, the endless cycle of blame in her head. She didn't reply and he practically sat on her bed, trying to catch her attention.

"This is a mess, but you didn't cause it and" he paused, preparing to throw caution to the wind "and I want to be there with you"

"You don't really mean that" Beck snorted at that.

"Can you not let me decide what it is I do and don't mean?"

"Beck, there is nothing about this situation that isn't fucked up" She looked up at him again, searching his eyes for any wavering, any hint of insincerity but found none of it.

"I know" he said simply "But that doesn't change how I feel"

"If you're doing this out of guilt-"

"This has nothing to do with guilt" Beck interrupted her "I mean, yes, I do feel guilt that I never noticed but that isn't why I want to do this" his eyes pleaded with her, desperate for her to believe that he meant every word he said.

"I care about you a lot, more than you'll probably ever know, and even if all we are is good friends, I want to be there for you, as your friend"

Jade felt something in her crack slightly at his words, the voice that was yelling at her to get rid of him was being somewhat stifled by something else. A feeling that she couldn't quite identify.

"I don't care how many times we have to have this conversation" he added "I'm not going to leave you unless you really mean it" Beck's eyes bored into hers.

Jade didn't say anything else, struggling now to keep up with him. His unwavering loyalty was confusing her, but she didn't have it in her to argue any further. The thought of having him there was reassuring, that she couldn't deny and maybe it would be just enough to muffle her guilt. She hoped it would.

Beck interpreted her silence as acceptance and gave her a reassuring smile, looking up at her from under his mop of unruly hair. His felt like his heart would burst when the corners of her mouth quirked up in response.

"So, ready for the rest of The Scissoring?" Beck was determined to move on and quickly dug out the book from the previous evening. Jade didn't say anything but settled back down onto the pillows, shutting her eyes as Beck opened to the marker and began to read.

* * *

"Tori, what do you want? It's like 5am" Andre practically groaned into the phone, only really answering in case it was an emergency.

"No need to be so rude" Tori tried not to be offended but, given that she had been up since 4am, she didn't really see what Andre's problem was.

"It's 5am, if you want nice Andre you can ring back at 7" Tori rolled her eyes

"Are you finished complaining, I need your help, it's about Jade"

Suddenly Andre was alert.

"Is something wrong, did Beck call?"

"No, nothing like that" she said hurriedly

"Then what?" Andre was exasperated

"I thought we should do something for her, something to help her feel a bit better"

"She doesn't want us-"

"I know, I know she doesn't want us visiting" Tori cut across him impatiently "But that doesn't mean we can't do something to make her feel better"

"Like what?"

"Well, I've been looking online" Andre groaned at this "about what people need in hospital and I've got a few ideas"

"And you couldn't wait until you saw me at school to tell me?"

"Will you stop whining? Jade is our friend and she needs our support"

Andre paused, suitably chastised.

"So, what were you thinking of?"

Tori smiled in victory as she started to talk Andre through the various hampers she'd found, and which ones Jade would prefer. Jade was tricky to buy for, of that Tori was certain, meaning the traditional self-care products would not really be appreciated. Instead Tori had stumbled across a mix-and-match type service which she thought would be perfect but wanted everyone's input on items. She'd already called Robbie, who had given her much less attitude than Andre had as, like Tori, he hadn't slept as well following the news about Jade. After much discussion, Tori hung up, happy that they had a few more items sorted out.

'Just Cat to call now' Tori thought, as even though she had already seen Jade in person, Tori knew Cat would like to be involved in something like this, possibly even having some better ideas.

"Hiiii" Cat's signature greeting was somewhat sleepy but no less enthusiastic.

"Hey Cat! You got a moment?"

As predicted, Cat was incredibly enthusiastic about the present, offering several ideas although Tori had to gently talk her down from a 10kg sack of Bibble.

"What about a soft and cuddly?"

"Soft and cuddly?"

"You know, like Mr Long Neck?"

"Oh, a cuddly toy? I'm not sure if that's really Jade's thing"

"Well she kept Mr Long Neck" Cat protested "And she doesn't have one of her own"

"Okay, I'll have a look" Tori scrolled down the page, frowned as all the toys were predictably juvenile or designed for newborns.

"I'm not sure Cat, what animal were you thinking of?"

"It could be a giraffe, then he could be friends with Mr Long Neck and Mr Purple".

Tori frowned as the only giraffe was one holding a blanket proclaiming 'It's a boy!'

"They don't have any – wait"

At the very bottom of the page was a small, almost cartoon-like bat. It was black all over apart from green rings in its eyes and green piping on the wings. It reminded Tori of Jade's green streaks, and the devious expression of Jade herself; at least, before all of the drama had started. She thought it was perfect and so did Cat after she'd explained it to her (and suggested it could be a distant cousin for Cat's giraffe family).

Satisfied the had all the items they needed, Tori finished her conversation and placed the order, excited that it would be delivered within the next day or two. She rubbed her eyes, finally feeling the impact of her early start. She had wanted to sleep for longer, but thoughts of Jade's situation had kept bothering her. Tori was very much a fixer and, even if her and Jade weren't particularly close, she wanted to do something to help.

She'd never seen Beck so worried, scratch that, she'd never seen him so emotional and that had stuck with her. She finally felt like she was understanding the depth of their feelings for each other a bit more and what with her mother's apparent drug addiction, even Jade's general demeanour was beginning to make more sense to her. Tori checked her watch only to find that her usual alarm would sound in just twenty minutes. Deciding it was worth an attempt at a power nap, she dove back under the covers of her bed and shut her eyes.

**Okay, well I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I know it's a bit shorter than usual but things are just starting to move forward and Jade's starting to turn a corner. A lot is happening in the next chapter, but I hope you liked this one, nonetheless. **

**Thank you to those who left reviews of the last chapter, they really do help get the next bits written and it's just nice to know people are actually still reading and enjoying it. I hope you're all still staying safe and healthy. **


	21. Chapter 21

Much like the previous day, when Jade woke up, she kept her eyes firmly shut. The momentary disorientation was still present but didn't seem to last as long as it had on previous days. She supposed it should make her feel glad and that maybe it was a sign things were changing but, in reality, the disoriented feeling was preferable to the weight of everything that had happened. She tried to focus her mind on the main issue at hand, what she'd named the great shrink debate although the very word 'shrink' made her cringe. A small part of Jade had hoped that the therapists visit the day before would have started to help her sort out the mess in her own head. While she mostly wanted to reject anyone who tried to delve into her brain, that small part of her that had told Beck that maybe she should see someone, had for a moment been quietly hopeful that it would go well. Jade had to stop herself from shaking her head as she thought back on the events of the day before, and the mess she had been in after Dr Williamson departed. Jade supposed it was her fault, from the very moment the woman had entered the room she'd taken an instant dislike to her. She'd become defensive and uncooperative, her attitude only heightening after the way Dr Williamson had dismissed Beck to the corridor. Maybe if she hadn't let her father's visit affect her so much that morning, she wouldn't have been so dismissive. It felt like even now her brain was sabotaging any attempt to try and help herself.

Still, no matter how much she twisted the blame around in her mind, Jade couldn't shake the feeling of complete dread at having to sit through another session with Dr Williamson. She thought back to what Beck had said, about asking to swap therapists, about considering Lane. Lane wasn't a fancy trauma therapist like Dr Williamson, but Jade knew he was licensed a psychotherapist, alongside his role as a guidance counsellor. She'd had infrequent sessions with him during her time at Hollywood Arts, although she wasn't sure they'd ever achieved much. She usually sat in an angry silence as Lane tried to get to the bottom of whatever the most recent complaint about her was. The last time was after the school had refused to show Well Wishes, and Jade had been so enraged at the fact that Sinjin's cannibalism play barely made them bat an eyelid, but her play was apparently 'too disturbing'.

Lane had tried to get her to understand but, as far as Jade could see, she was being penalised for no reason. The meeting had ended abruptly when she'd thrown the mug on his coffee table at the wall, shattering it into hundreds of pieces, and stormed out. For what it was worth, Lane had let her go and on a small level Jade did appreciate that about him. He was annoying and could be persistent but mostly knew when to back off. Or was it that he never really cared that much to make it worth pursuing? Jade wasn't sure but given that she was one of many students at the school, she knew she'd probably been written off as a troublemaker. Jade was suddenly struck by the fact that if Lane was disinterested, it could play to her favour, and get her out of having to actually talk about any of this for any length of time. The more she thought about it, the more it looked like the most attractive option, but she felt a small twinge of anxiety; was avoidance only going to make things worse? She tried to squash it almost immediately.

'I don't want anyone poking around my head, I've made it this far on my own, I don't need Lane or Dr Williamson or anyone else pretending they know what my life is like'

She tried to be resolute, determined that if she was strong enough, she could do it on her own. Hadn't yesterday's appointment already demonstrated that Dr Williamson was only going to sit there and assume just because Jade didn't want to bare her soul to a complete stranger? Still, as hard as she tried, the anxiety sat quietly in the back of her mind, ignored but not gone.

"Jade, I know you're awake" Beck's voice startled Jade, her eyes snapping open before she could even think about it.

"Huh?"

"Look I know you may not want to be awake, but fiddling is a dead giveaway" Beck tried to inject some humour into his tone, but Jade was still baffled. Beck gave her right hand a pointed look and it was only then Jade realised she'd been playing with the loose threads of her sheet again without even realising. She stopped abruptly and frowned, what had started off as a small pull a few days ago had not turned into an intricate network of pulls surrounding a rather substantial hole.

"Don't worry, I'm sure if the hospital wants to, they can charge it to your insurance"

Jade's frown didn't disappear entirely, but she tried to ease it, if only to acknowledge Beck's second attempt at humour.

"How long have you been awake for?"

Jade shrugged, truthfully not knowing as she hadn't bothered to check the time. She was still trying to piece something together in her mind, something was different. She looked more closely at Beck, scrutinising his appearance.

"You've changed?" The observation only confused her further, but Beck was no longer in his night-time outfit of sweats but in a more typical day time ensemble of jeans, and white t-shirt with a plaid overshirt shirt. He looked suspiciously well put together, if you ignored the slightly dark half circles under his eyes; even his hair was looking more normal than it had done for the last few days.

"Yeah, I just went and changed" Beck frowned "After I tidied up the chair".

Jade looked at the chair only to see it confirming his words, the blanket and pillow were stacked neatly on the floor next to it and the chair was no longer reclining. Her eyes flicked back to Beck, still struggling to understand why she hadn't heard anything.

"You really didn't know I left? I clanged the door and everything because I thought you were awake?"

Indeed, Beck had watched her fiddle and decided to leave her to it if she wasn't ready to talk. Instead he made no effort to keep the noise down, wanting her to know that the day was starting, and he was awake if she wanted to talk.

Jade shook her head, now frowning again in earnest. How could she not have heard anything? Had she been asleep that entire time she thought she was awake?

No, she dismissed the idea almost immediately, she'd had a full-on debate with herself there was no way she could have actually been asleep.

"Well that explains why you didn't answer the first few times I called your name" Beck wanted to take it as a comfort, the fact she hadn't been ignoring him on purpose, but he was more concerned with the fact that Jade's zoning out was persisting.

"I didn't hear anything" she stated, still trying to understand it herself.

"Weird" Beck commented, a forced lightness to his tone as he tried to play it off as not a big deal.

"Your phone's been flashing" He passed it to her "I haven't looked at it, in case you were wondering" he clarified. Beck had been tempted but stopped himself, continually reminding himself not to treat her like a victim. He'd spent a good hour the previous night doing more research on trauma and PTSD after he'd finished his reading of The Scissoring.

Jade took her phone from him but didn't bother to check the messages just yet. Instead she squinted at the wall clock, realising it was just before seven and still early which explained the absence of any nurses.

"Did you sleep alright?"

Her question surprised Beck, given that she'd barely said anything so far.

"Yeah, not too bad actually" he chuckled slightly awkwardly, raising his arm to rub the back of his neck "The chair is surprisingly comfortable for hospital furniture, you?"

Beck hadn't actually slept as well as he made out, still hyper aware of his surroundings and roommate but, after their conversation the previous evening, he wasn't going to give any indication that things with him were anything other than perfectly fine.

"Alright, I think" Jade was aware her sleep had been somewhat disturbed, but she couldn't really recall how long she was asleep for altogether. Beck had, of course, noticed Jade's restlessness during the night, although he didn't think it had ever been enough to wake her up.

"I've been thinking"

"Oh? What about?" Beck tried to stop his heart jumping into his mouth on reflex.

"About the shrink thing"

"Therapist" Beck corrected.

"Whatever" Jade dismissed, as if the word therapist made it sound any less pathetic "I don't want Dr Williamson anymore"

"Okay" Beck tried to tread carefully "Do you want Lane, or do you just want to try someone entirely different?"

"Lane, I think"

Beck kept his face carefully neutral but inside he felt like a small firework had gone off. The fact that Jade had been actively thinking about this, and decided she was happier with someone she knew was all good news to Beck. He was still trying to reserve judgement on Dr Williamson, but after their few interactions and Jade's mood following the session, he had a persistent feeling that she wasn't the right therapist to help Jade.

"Okay, we can give him a call this morning"

Jade tensed before she could stop herself, it was one thing to make a decision but putting into action suddenly seemed intimidating, even if she was just going to use Lane as an out. Beck noticed but wasn't sure if the reaction was because Jade wanted to do it herself or whether she would rather he would do it herself or because she didn't really want to do it at all.

"Jade?"

"It's just-" she broke off, unsure how to communicate what she was feeling, it seemed so stupid to her; it was only a phone call.

"I could call him this morning, if you want, he said he'd be in touch anyway?" Beck said, now realising what the issue was. Jade considered him for a second before nodding and Beck gave her a reassuring smile. A comfortable quiet settled between the two which was only broken by Beck's stomach growling loudly. He chuckled sheepishly and even Jade managed to crack a small smile.

"I think that's my cue to go and grab some breakfast"

"I have to wait for whatever slop the hospital kitchen comes up with" Jade commented darkly, although she wasn't particularly hungry, the unappetizing smells that wafted from the tray tended to decimate what little there was of her appetite.

"Do you want me to bring you anything?"

"Coffee?" Jade surprised herself, realising for the first time that she actually wanted the caffeinated beverage.

"Doctor says no caffeine just yet" Beck was apologetic, feeling guilty as he watched Jade's expression darken.

"Then no".

After Beck left, Emma appeared to help Jade wash and change. This time they didn't attempt a trip to the bathroom, but she did have Jade stand up and do more herself. The Nurse was quite impressed by Jade's progress, adding a new exercise to her regime for her broken shoulder, expounding the need to keep doing them in order for her shoulder to fully recover.

A second nurse appeared shortly after with breakfast, and Jade willed herself to eat some of it. If only to keep people off of her back, she reasoned with herself. She ignored watery mixture masquerading as porridge, instead opting for yoghurt and the slightly battered banana. She took a sip of the milk but spat it straight out, not ready for the offensive tepid temperature of a fluid that should usually be served fresh out the fridge. Shuddering slightly, she shoved the tray onto the bedside cabinet now turning her attention to her phone.

Most of the messages were from Cat, with the content varying between ramblings about her day and thinly veiled demands for information on how she was. She tapped out a brief reply, trying to sound normal but not really wanting to be drawn into a conversation. With that sent, she scrolled through the remaining notifications, pausing in surprise as Andre, Robbie and her father all featured on the list.

Deciding to be just a little bit cowardly, she opened Andre's message first, deciding her father could wait until last. Andre's message was brief but friendly, simply saying Beck had told them what had happened, and he hoped she was feeling okay. It was a nice gesture, Jade admitted, and somewhat surprising given the distance she thought had developed within the group since the break-up. Robbie's message was even more surprising, and Jade had to read it twice and check the sender before she really took it in.

_Hi Jade, _

_Beck told us what happened and saying 'I hope you feel better soon' feels inadequate for everything you're going through. But school really isn't the same without you, so we are all looking forward to seeing you back here when you're ready. Even Rex. _

Her finger hovered over the reply button but didn't touch it, unsure of what she would even say. The message caused a lump to sit in her throat as she read it a third time. She'd never been particularly close to Robbie, often having to fend him off from Cat but she had sometimes felt a strange sympathy of the boy who had to hide behind an abusive puppet. No matter how much Robbie irritated her, when Rex crossed the line with his insults for Robbie (or anyone else) she couldn't stop herself from taking action, which usually resulted in the puppet being thrown a not inconsequential distance. Coping mechanism or not, even Robbie didn't deserve his psyche to air those things out in public with no recourse.

She closed the message, deciding that it didn't really need a reply, and took a breath before opening her father's message. It was chronically short and devoid of any emotion, meaning it read in his voice perfectly.

_Jade, something has come up at the office, I'll be in touch with the nurses on your progress. I won't be in for the next few days, at least. Take care._

Jade blinked, waiting for the anger to hit her, the bitterness or the disappointment but they never came. She stared at the message, as though she were expecting it to change in front of her but again, nothing did.

She sat there, staring at the message without really seeing it, as the door opened and Beck walked into the room carrying two cups of boiling water, looking quite satisfied with himself.

"Hey, so I had an idea" he started, not realising that Jade was still staring at her phone "You can't have coffee, and decaffeinated is jank but Cat got you some fruit tea bags so I thought we could try them out".

He carefully set the hot water down and moved over to the pile of Cat's shopping binge, grabbing the tea bags before he realised that Jade hadn't even looked up.

"Jade?" He saw her phone and was instantly on alert "Jade, what's wrong?"

She looked up at him, before turning of her screen and tossing it gently on the bed.

"Nothing"

"Jade" his voice turned stern, and he inwardly winced at the fact he sounded like he was telling her off, but it was over-written by his concern for what she had been looking at on her phone.

"It was just a text Beck, God, you don't have to know everything" Jade snapped at him, eyes narrowed betraying her agitation further.

"Looked like a pretty important text" Beck retorted "Given that you didn't notice me come in"

"I wasn't zoned out, I was just thinking" Jade replied angrily, although it wasn't strictly true, but she hadn't lost her surroundings, she was just trying to work out what she was feeling. Beck gave her a hard stare.

Jade glared back for a few seconds before caving.

"Fine, my father text me okay? Is that what you want to hear?"

Beck's face swapped to concern.

"What did he say"

"Nothing much, he's busy at work and won't be in for visiting for the foreseeable future"

Once again, the normally calm Beck was overwhelmed by the urge to punch a man he'd only met a handful of times.

"Jade, he's a complete dickhead" Beck started but she shook her head.

"Don't, it strangely doesn't even bother me at the moment"

"How can it not bother you?" The words slipped out before Beck could help himself. While he knew his family set-up was miles different to Jade's, if his mother had just killed herself then he would be devastated if his father was prioritising work over him, estranged or not.

"I don't know, it's just I feel a little relieved" Jade frowned as Beck took on an almost comical confused expression.

"It's like it's one less thing to deal with right now" She explained "It's the one thing that is kind of normal, even though it's a shitty thing for him to do, at least I don't have to worry about him as well".

"Doesn't it make you angry?"

"A bit, but I'm used to it from him, and it's actually less aggravating than him suddenly trying to play the perfect parent"

Beck nodded, understanding a bit better now.

"I'm sure I'll get angry eventually, but right now I don't have the energy so it is a bit of a relief" She was now speaking almost half to herself than Beck but it felt odd that for the first time in the past few days she knew what she was feeling and why.

Beck sensed she didn't want to talk about any further and went back to his original plan.

"So, tea?"

"I hate tea"

"Tough, this isn't normal tea"

Jade glared at him but there was no real heat behind it.

"Fine" she muttered generating a smug grin from Beck.

"Strawberry and Raspberry or Forest fruits?"

Jade almost rolled her eyes.

* * *

"You want to see another therapist?" Dr Williamson's words were practically dripping with astonishment and disbelief, she'd never have a patient U-turn on her after just one session.

Jade twiddled the threads of her sheets faster, not wanting to look the Doctor in the eye.

"I don't like you" It came out harsher than Jade had intended but she just wanted the woman gone. While she was in the room, Jade felt on edge, like she was expecting the fog to engulf her at any time. It made her head hurt.

"Therapy isn't about liking someone Ms West" Dr Williamson's words were clipped "Just because you don't want to deal with your emotions, you cannot simply swap therapists out like an ill-fitting coat".

Jade felt twinge of panic, Dr Williamson just didn't understand. Her eyes strayed to the door, before snapping back to the therapist, embarrassment flooding her. The look on Dr Williamson's face indicated that her shift in gaze hadn't gone unnoticed.

Identical to the day before, Beck had been dismissed to the corridor by Dr Williamson although Jade had been adamant that she could handle this. Now, Jade wasn't so sure, and she'd looked to the door hoping Beck would be looking in and she could get him back in the room. The realisation that she was looking for Beck because she didn't think she could do this made her hate herself just a little bit more. She could see the judgement on Dr Williamson's face, as Jade was basically proving what the therapist had said the previous day about dependency was correct. She gritted her teeth, shoving the embarrassment to one side, determined to try again.

"I don't like opening up to people" her voice was quiet but as firm as she could muster "Especially not to strangers"

"As I said Ms West, this isn't about likes, this is about the best path for your mental recovery"

The use of her surname was beginning to grate on Jade, it felt like a power play.

"I fail to see how my mental recovery is going to be helped by forcing me to talk about things I don't want to with a stranger who I don't feel comfortable with"

"You don't feel comfortable with me yet, we build that relationship over time"

Somehow Jade doubted that she would ever feel comfortable with Dr Williamson after this.

"You can't carry on the way you are; you need to focus on working through your issues".

The sentence hung there for a moment and Jade felt her agitation grow. Why was she assuming Jade had no idea what she needed? It was slightly hypocritical given that Jade had been considering Lane as he was a soft option, but something about the way Dr Williamson was phrasing her words was irritating to Jade. She disliked being spoken to as though she were a little, lost child. Jade held off saying anything else, determined to force the therapist to speak first, no longer wanting her to feel like she had the upper hand. She felt a small tweak of victory when Dr Williamson shifted slightly in her seat, unsettling a therapist, even slightly, had to be some sort of an achievement.

"So, how are you going to pick another therapist?" Dr Williamson questioned "Or are you hoping if you object to everyone that we will leave you alone in the end?"

Bingo. For all her training, the last few words and the tension in her tone confirmed to Jade that she was getting to the woman. For a moment, she felt like she did before the accident, in control again; time to go in for the kill. Jade raised her eyebrows slightly.

"Actually, I have a therapist I've seen before, my school counsellor" Jade kept her tone calm "I'm surprised your initial profile didn't bring that up" Jade refused to break eye contact with Dr Williamson, who now looked ever so slightly abashed.

"My understanding is that for therapy to work, you need to be comfortable with a person and as I'm sure you understand, I'm more comfortable with someone I already have a clinical history with"

The indication that her and Lane had an extensive clinical history and he was someone she was completely comfortable with was a bit of a stretch, but Beck had done some swift Google-ing in the morning. He was determined to build a water-tight argument, in case the hospital staff had an issues with Jade rejecting their therapy. When it came to mental health, both adults and minors had less control over treatment options than they would have with something like a broken arm. Jade only had one last sentence to seal the deal.

"And from this conversation, I'm certain that I'm making the correct decision".

It was harsh but Jade didn't care, she was desperate to get away from the woman. She hated feeling like she had to talk to someone, even sitting in-front of her made Jade feel uncomfortable, like she was being scrutinised. For all her lack of engagement with Lane, she'd never felt quite like that in-front of him.

"I understand what you are saying" Dr Williamson conceded, realising now that despite everything Jade had gone through, and everything she was currently suffering, she was by no means unaware of her own mind on this issue. Although, she was somewhat concerned as to whether any of this was coming from the boyfriend in the corridor.

"However, do you know if your school counsellor has any experience in trauma therapy, as an ill-equipped counsellor can do more damage than good"

"He's well qualified" In truth, Jade had no idea. They'd looked Lane up on the Hollywood Arts website, but it only had his license number, and a short quote from him about why he liked his job.

"We will need to discuss it with him before we can approve it" Dr Williamson was stern again "And by 'we' I mean the clinical team at the hospital".

Jade nodded, not trusting herself to speak. They hadn't actually spoken about it with Lane yet, Beck had called, and he'd said he could visit in the afternoon but couldn't talk at that moment, something to do with a group of freshman re-enacting The Battle of Bannockburn at the Asphalt Café with real spears.

"I take it this counsellor has a contact number?"

"He's visiting this afternoon" Jade said quickly, not wanting the hospital to ring before they'd managed to talk to him.

"In that case, we will have a meeting with him then"

Dr Williamson stood, regarding Jade carefully. Jade was exhausted, the conversation now taking its toll on her, but she tried to appear unaffected.

"Someone will let you know of the outcome by the end of the day".

Beck didn't even wait for Dr Williamson to turn down the end of the corridor before he was back in Jade's room, anxious to know whether she'd been successful.

"I really hate that woman" the bitterness in her tone shouldn't have been surprising but it was. Beck's heart sunk.

"They won't let you swap?"

"No, they'll consider it after talking to him"

"But that's good?"

"She doesn't want me to, thinks I'm trying to avoid things and she's treating me like a child"

Jade punctuated her words by slamming her good hand onto the bed.

"Hey, come on, she's just trying to do her job" Beck tried to soothe but Jade's eyes flashed.

"Are you defending her?"

"No, no I'm not, but as much as she appears to be a bit tone deaf to you, I don't think she's doing it maliciously".

Jade grumbled under her breath but didn't say anything further.

"We just need to make sure we brief Lane before they do" Beck qualified.

"That's if he even agrees"

"I'm sure he will" Beck said with certainty, although he was privately a little worried. Jade seemed to now be pinning all her hopes on this and he didn't want to think about what would happen if their plan didn't work. He sat down next to her, feeling like he could practically hear the thoughts torturing her on repeat in her head. He looked around for a distraction before noticing a small, innocuous detail.

"Hey, you drank all your tea!".

* * *

As the bell rang signalling the start of lunch, Sikowitz dismissed them but not before announcing that Tori, Andre, Robbie and Cat should stay behind. Sikowitz's lesson had been oddly subdued, the absence of two students had not gone unnoticed by anyone. No one apart from the three of them and the teachers knew what was going on, officially that was. Unofficially there was a wide range of rumours going around from the dark to the completely ridiculous.

"So, I take it you all know why there were two empty seats today" Sikowitz started and the group nodded, Cat taking on a sad look. She'd tried to stay upbeat so far but at the mention of her best friend she felt the sadness come back. Sikowitz gestured for her to approach and then put his arms out, enveloping Cat in gentle hug. He wasn't one for physical contact, especially not with students but he waived that rule for the sad red head, just this once. He'd been more affected by hearing the news than he ever would have thought. He was usually able to navigate life with a light-hearted attitude but after she'd stormed out of his class the previous Friday, he had started to become concerned. He was used to Jade being full of fire, but recently that fire had disappeared, replaced with an apathy that was wholly disconcerting. Indeed, his last remarks to her had been designed to antagonise her but had apparently backfired when she simply left the room.

"She'll be alright little one" he patted Cat kindly on the head "She's made of strong stuff our Jade".

Cat sniffled but withdrew, managing a small smile.

"Has any of you been in touch with her?"

"We get all our information from Beck" Andre spoke up, throwing an arm around Cat's shoulders in support.

"Although I texted her"

"So did I" Robbie piped up.

"Me too, but she didn't say much in her reply". Robbie quirked his head towards Cat, surprised that she had a reply when neither him or Andre had. Tori now felt worried, should she have text Jade as well?

"We've got a surprise for her though" She said "We've put together a small hamper with things in it to make her feel better"

"That's a great idea" Sikowitz proclaimed before turning to rustle around in his bag.

"Here!" he thrust two coconuts at Tori "Put these in the hamper too, coconut milk is said to have special healing powers".

Tori smiled weakly but stashed them in her bag none-the-less.

"Right, off to lunch with you all" and with that, he bounded out of the room. They stood there shaking heads until Robbie broke the silence.

"C'mon Cat, if we hurry we might get extra avocado on our tostadas"

"Ooh I love avocado!"

Cat and Robbie hurried out the door but Tori hung back.

"Come on, I know you like avocado too" Andre holding the door open.

"Andre you texted Jade, should I have text her too?"

Andre sighed and shut the door; he had a feeling he was going to have this conversation with Tori.

"Tori, what's this really all about?"

"What do you mean?"

"All this, the hamper, worrying over a text, you do realise you and Jade aren't actually friends"

Tori was slightly taken aback.

'We're not, not friends" she said timidly, fiddling with her bag strap.

"But she doesn't like you, and I didn't think you liked her at all, I mean the other day it was your idea not to invite her to Karaoke Dokie"

"Hey, you agreed with me" Tori exclaimed

"I know" Andre held up his hands "But I didn't think about it before you mentioned it, as she's part of the group"

"So, you think it wouldn't have been totally awkward to have them both there"

"I didn't really think about it all" Andre admitted "I just figured they'd get on with it like they always do"

"Well yeah, except they hadn't really been around each other in a while, not really"

Andre frowned, realising Tori was right.

"Still, you haven't answered the question, why are you going to such an effort for her?"

"Oh, because you're such a close friend of hers" Andre frowned.

"I am her friend" he qualified "I've known her a long time, we're not close but she is my friend but you're dodging the question".

Tori bit her lip.

"I just, I don't know" Tori slumped into a spare chair "I mean she's not my favourite person, but we've never really gotten on as she doesn't let anyone near apart from Beck and maybe Cat"

Andre slid into a chair opposite, listening carefully.

"And after her and Beck broke up, I think I took his side without realising, because I thought she really wasn't a good girlfriend to him but the more I think about it, I didn't really have a right to even make that assumption"

"Or any real information" Andre interjected "Like, I definitely think Jade can be difficult, but Beck wasn't perfect in their relationship either". Andre had turned into a somewhat silent observer of Beck and Jade's relationship, and while Jade often remained a mystery to him, Beck in the beginning would confide in him when they had arguments. He watched both of them step over the line on occasion but it wasn't until more recently that it pushed them away from each other.

"But it's not about that, or it is a bit as I feel guilty that she had all this going on and I never even noticed"

"None of us knew Tori, not even Beck from the sounds of it"

"Yeah but that doesn't make it better though, does it"

"So, this is you trying to make good?"

"Yeah, I guess" Tori looked a little ashamed, but Andre looked at her sympathetically.

"I'm sure Jade will appreciate the hamper"

"You really think so?"

Andre sighed again.

"Tori, Jade doesn't like you, but she doesn't hate you, if she did, she wouldn't have stayed in the group after you joined Hollywood Arts"

"But Beck?"

"Trust me, Beck was always a little whipped, if Jade had wanted to start spending time away from the group, he would have followed most of the time"

Tori gave a small chuckle, being able to see that more now than she would have if Andre had told her the same thing a week ago.

"Come on, let's go get some lunch before Festus runs out of food".

* * *

**I can't believe this is Chapter 21, when I started I was imagining 10-15 but it turned out Jade's journey was going to be longer to try and do it justice. **

**I hope you liked the chapter, please do leave a review if you feel like it, as it is nice to know people are reading. Let me know what your thoughts are :)**


	22. Chapter 22

By midday Jade was on edge. Everything around her seemed heightened somehow; the ticking of the clock, the chattering of the doctors and nurses in the corridor, Beck's fingers hitting the keys of his Pearbook as he tried to make headway into his school assignments. She'd tried to sleep but her mind was racing too much for her to even get a moment's peace. She almost longed for the blank numbness that had become all too familiar, but even that didn't seem to come. Thoughts streamed through her head like an out of control train on a continuous loop track but there was no logical order to them. Even her usual vice of the sheet threads was unable to keep her grounded. Her very skin felt itchy, like she wanted to peel it off layer by layer. She had ended up digging her nails on her good hand through the thin material of her pants but even the momentary sharp pain wasn't enough to pull her out of it.

There was so much riding on Lane, it had snowballed from a simple decision about talking therapy and now it seemed like the weight of the world would come crashing down if he didn't agree. Her thoughts would bounce from Lane to her father, and whether he would pay attention long enough to object to change in therapist, after all he hated her choice of school why would he approve of a counsellor from there over one his insurance pays for? Then there was the endless debate as to whether she would even talk to Lane, could she even talk to Lane? Jade wasn't sure she even liked him, after all he hadn't exactly been supportive of her creative outlet over the last few years, why should she talk to him? Yet, while Jade was loathed to admit it, she was frightened. Everything seemed so far beyond her control, even her own thoughts and, as much as she brushed off the times when everything seemed to fade around her, there was something about it that chilled her to the bone.

Beck had told her she looked like she'd faded away when one of the episodes happened, that her eyes would take on a glassy quality and she'd stare into the distance practically unblinking. She could see it in her mind, blue-green eyes shining but so faded in colour it was no longer clear whether they were blue-green or even a grey. She couldn't shake the image, an image she'd seen countless times in the last year when her mother had been sprawled out in the sofa after a binge, pupils blown wide but eyes unseeing. The same eyes she'd passed onto her daughter. It scared Jade beyond belief that these episodes were happening but even more the fact that she almost craved them to stop the constant stream of thoughts, the persistent questions running through her head. Was that what her mother had been trying to escape when she first reached for the pills? When she'd snorted her first line? Was that where she was destined to end up too?

Jade tried to take a breath, but it was like the weight of her thoughts had settled onto her lungs, leaving her unable to do anything but take small, shallow breaths. Her right hand shook ever so slightly, a barely noticeable tremor but it sent a stab of dread straight down into her stomach. Her fingers scrabbled for the threads, for Cat's dumb giraffe, for anything really that would give her something to hold onto. She almost jerked back in surprise when instead of the soft fur she made contact with a warm hand instead.

Beck had been trying to put a concerted effort into his schoolwork, not keen on the idea of what they might do if he failed to keep up on the very first week, but Jade's behaviour was worrying him. She had become increasingly twitchy, twice he'd seen her abandoning the tugging of the sheet threads to dig her nails into her thighs. He'd held back, not wanting to interrupt what he assumed was an attempt to stay grounded but as she continued in the same pattern, he started to doubt his decisions. Her face was taut, barely moving were it not for the occasional flinch. He had no idea what was going on inside her head, but it looked as though she was being held hostage by her own thoughts. When her hand had resumed its search for release, he'd extended his own with barely a second thought, not wanting her nails to return to her thigh.

Jade snapped her head to look at Beck, who now held gently but firmly onto her hand. The contact had just about managed to pull her from her thoughts, but she could still feel them like a dull buzz behind her ears.

"You okay?" Beck nearly winced, remembering that he'd put that question on his mental 'stupid questions to ask a hospital patient list.

Jade stared at him for a moment and for a few seconds, Beck could see the war in her mind played out on her face. It wasn't good vs evil but Jade's psyche vs itself. Her need for emotional distance and disdain for emotions against the small and so often repressed part of her that just wanted to let everything out with a scream. It took another beat before, in a movement so small it could have been easily missed, she shook her head as her teeth worried her lip.

"Let's get out of here" Beck was suddenly on his feet, still holding her hand but looking straight at her and her bewildered expression.

"Where?"

"I'm sure I've seen signs to a garden, and I think we could both do with some air"

Jade chewed it over in her head, for some reason the thought of leaving the room was both tempting and terrifying at the same time. However, it seemed Beck wasn't actually waiting for her to make a decision as he relinquished her hand only to bound out of the room. She barely had time to register his absence before he returned, now pushing a wheelchair.

"No." This time Jade found her voice a lot easier.

"Come on, you're not going to be able to walk all the way there yet." Beck had spoken with Emma on his way back from breakfast, it was the nurse who had suggested getting out the hospital room if Jade wanted to. She had warned him Jade's muscles had lost some of their mass and her energy would be low to start with; the chair was not optional.

"I'm not sitting in that" she glared at the chair, not even slightly light-hearted as it served only as a reminder of her new weakness.

"Okay, we can leave the chair here if you can get to the door by yourself."

Beck now found himself on the receiving end of the glare that had just been directed at the chair. Still, as far as Beck was concerned, if looks could kill he never would have successfully asked Jade out in the first place.

Jade was irritated, quickly figuring out that he had been talking to the nurse without her knowing. She gritted her teeth, supporting her weight on her good arm as she brought herself upright from the half-reclined position the bed had kept her at all morning. She wiggled slowly, allowing her hips to turn and bring her legs around. She paused as they dangled over the side of the bed, trying not let it show just how much the movement had already tired her out. She caught Beck's eyes who simply raised an eyebrow at her.

Git.

Fuelled by another surge of irritation, Jade manoeuvred herself to the edge of the bed and then onto her feet, gripping the cabinet to keep her steady. She straightened up, feeling somewhat emboldened by her success compared to the day before but it was short lived as after only her second shuffle forward, she lost her balance as the light-headedness returned. Spots crowded her vision and she felt an oddly familiar sensation of falling before hitting something soft and firm.

"Shit" Beck moved faster than he knew he could the second he saw Jade start to sway. He had been somewhat prepared, knowing the likelihood of her making it across the room was practically zero, but it was more than a little scary up close.

His arms were tight around her as he steadied her, her head slightly floppy against his chest as she waited for her vision to clear. Jade wanted to be frustrated but the spots were making it a bit difficult, it still felt like her head was swimming and the smell of Beck's fabric conditioner was oddly distracting and comforting all at the same time.

Once he was sure she wasn't going to fall further, Beck removed an arm to reach out for the chair, attempting to snag the corner to bring it over to her.

"No" Jade's vision was almost clear, and she started to straighten back up.

"You're not being serious" Beck was exasperated.

"Just help me walk over there" Jade snapped, if she wasn't going to be able to walk out by herself, she'd be damned if she couldn't make it a few paces over to the chair.

Beck relented, although not without a sigh, and shifted so he had one arm across her back to support her. They moved slowly but steadily, and Jade allowed him to help lower her into the chair without further protest.

"If you wheel me into a wall…" the threat hung in the air between them and Beck felt himself smirk.

* * *

Getting through the maze of corridors was more of a challenge than Beck expected, simply because of the volume of people milling around. It didn't help that he wasn't entirely sure where they were going, relying on the less than stellar signage to confirm that there even was a garden. After about 15 minutes, they arrived back at the main hospital entrance for the second time and Beck groaned as he realised, they'd taken another wrong turn. Jade was out of patience, feeling no less on edge being surrounded by too many strangers who all seemed to loom above her in the chair.

"This is stupid, just take me back to the room"

"But I'm sure it's just down-"

"Jade! Beck!"

In tandem, the pair snapped their heads up to search for the familiar voice of their guidance counsellor who was just walking through the large revolving door. On the inside, they had very different reactions as Beck felt a wave of relief, but Jade felt her insides clench unpleasantly, only adding further to the anxiety she was feeling.

"Lane" Beck greeted with a smile that betrayed the relief he felt on the inside. Jade simply looked at the counsellor, unable to find her voice. To his credit, Lane acted as though nothing was out of the ordinary and that it was the same as when he saw them in the corridor at school.

"You guys off somewhere?"

"We thought we'd try and find the garden, but we took a few wrong turns" Despite herself, Jade twisted slightly to glare at him, and Beck realised his mistake.

"Alright, I took a few wrong turns"

Lane chuckled.

"You need to follow the purple line all the way, come on I'll walk with you"

His tone was light, but Beck had the sense there was no room for either of them to object to his presence. Still, he discreetly placed a hand on Jade's good shoulder, still wanting some assurance from her that she was okay with this. Jade didn't move when he made contact and made no attempt to shake him off which he took as confirmation.

"So, how do you know where the garden is?" Beck questioned as they started walking, keen to keep the conversation light.

"My sister had quite a long stay here last year after she contracted sepsis" Lane explained "My partner and I looked after her kids as her husband had to work, they're quite young so hospital visits were easier on them if they visited the garden as well"

"Is she okay now?"

"Yes" Lane smiled "She made a full recovery"

As the conversation continued on between the two of them, Jade sat quietly. There was something about the phrase 'full recovery' that felt like a punch to her gut. She longed to be back in the bed, if for nothing else than to have something to occupy her hands again.

Lane was looking between her and Beck despite the fact the conversation was entirely with Beck. She knew he was doing it out of politeness, but it only made her feel as though she was being held under a magnifying glass.

"Ah, here we are."

Jade felt rather than saw the first rays of sunlight on her face, being too caught up in her thoughts to be paying attention to her surroundings. At Lane's statement, they'd passed through a set of double doors and down a ramp, onto paving that wound around different planters and beds of various flowers and greenery. The air was quite warm for Spring, helped by the absence of a strong breeze as the Garden was sheltered on three sides by the tall hospital buildings. The fourth side and farthest from was deep bed of greenery and trees which extended all the way back to a wall which wasn't visible. Jade could hear a gentle trickling of water and she scanned the garden before seeing a small water fountain embedded under a tree bed in the far corner of the garden.

Beck was quite impressed with both the size and quality of the garden, it looked like a lot of work had gone into making it as pleasant as possible. He looked down at Jade and saw her focus on the back corner.

"Want to go take a look?" Beck asked, not realising he was completely speaking over Lane who had been chatting on about the weather in the background. Jade gave a one shoulder shrug, but Beck knew she was more interested than she let on. He began to push the chair over, and Lane followed, shaking his head slightly at Beck's actions.

Beck brought the wheelchair to a halt next to a bench, directly opposite the fountain. This area of the garden was somewhat shielded, and away from the hustle and bustle noise that spilled out of the hospital doors. He sat down on the bench next to Jade's chair and Lane sat next to him. Jade busied herself looking at the small fountain, tracking the bubbles as they fell down the small layers in small clusters. She was only too aware of the two people staring at her, now in silence as they waited for someone to say something.

"I'm going to go grab a drink" Beck suddenly announced, and Jade looked at him, confused.

"You're going?" Beck twitched slightly before forcing a smile on his face.

"I won't be gone long, and I'll get something for all of us"

"Thanks Beck, that's a great idea".

It was with Lane's words that Jade realised what was going on, and the apparently silent conversation they must have had while she was staring at the fountain.

With what felt like a Herculean effort, Beck put one foot in front of the other and walked back towards the main doors, heading for the café. He waited until he was partially hidden behind a large bush before chancing a look back over his shoulder at Jade. He didn't want to leave her, but Lane had indicated he should, probably so he could talk to Jade about everything, but Beck still didn't like leaving any more than he thought Jade wanted him to. He knew he couldn't expect to be there for her counselling sessions, they were private, but this wasn't counselling. What's more, he knew that Jade wasn't feeling confident about what she had to ask of Lane, it was clear as day to anyone who knew her, he'd wanted to be there to support her. He also still couldn't shake the niggling feeling that accompanied him whenever he left Jade on her own, the feeling that liked to insinuate something bad was going to happen. He tried to reason with himself that Lane was probably a safe person for her to be with, but it didn't help much. As he looked at the pair now, Jade looked uncomfortable and her body language practically screamed she wanted to be alone. In contrast Lane looked neutral, almost relaxed as he sat on the bench, his mouth forming small movements indicating he was using his quiet voice. Beck frowned, not ashamed to admit he wanted to know what they were saying.

"Excuse me, can I help you?"

Beck nearly jumped out of his skin and he snapped his head up to see a stern looking orderly frowning at him.

"Sorry I was just-" But Beck broke off, unsure of where he intended the sentence to go.

"Just what?"

"On my way to get some drinks" Beck sighed "My friend has a visitor and I was just checking she was okay before I went"

"Is there some reason the visitor would cause a threat?" The orderly asked, now frowning for an entirely different reason.

"No, not at all" Beck rushed "I'm just" he sighed, more to himself than the man in-front of him

"I'm just looking out for her." With that, Beck took off, not wanting to be around for the man's response. As it was, the orderly simply looked slightly amused as he stared at Beck's retreating figure, a wry smile appearing as he thought of the perils of being young and in love.

* * *

Following Beck's departure, both Jade and Lane sat quietly. Lane was content to study Jade, to see if she was willing to take the first step without him forcing her hand. While he wasn't strictly there in an official capacity, he wasn't sure what the reason behind the phone call that he had received earlier was. While he had been planning to visit Jade at the hospital on behalf of the school, he wasn't expecting a phone call asking if he could visit so early on; he had thought it would be a fight given that Jade had never welcomed his presence in her personal life before. Now he was there, and given Jade's resolute silence since his arrival, he was wondering how much of it had come from Beck. It seemed that Beck's franticness at Jade's situation ran deeper than he first thought, and while he sympathised with the young man, forcing people on Jade without her permission wasn't going to help her in the slightest. He made a mental note to discuss it with Beck later on.

Jade's emotionless façade had yet to crack but she wasn't sure it would stay put for long. Her mind was racing once again, trying to desperately to think of a way out of her current situation. She hated Beck for leaving her there, hated herself that the trip to the garden was supposed to give her a break and she couldn't even manage that. She was backtracking like she was possessed, no longer wanting to involve Lane at all, deciding she should just take her chances with Dr Williamson.

Dr Williamson.

The thought sent a surge of panic through her, somewhat unexpected causing Jade to take in a sudden, sharp breath that Lane heard.

"Jade?" the concern was evident in his voice "Jade are you in pain? Do you need a nurse?"

Jade shook her head almost violently, wincing when her broken shoulder jolted in response.

"I notice you don't have an IV, are they still giving you regular painkillers?"

The question caught Jade by surprise, as it wasn't the probing and personal approach she'd been expecting.

"They took it off yesterday" Jade replied quietly "They just give me stuff throughout the day and something strong for the night".

"Well that's something, do you know how long they want you to stay in for?"

Again, Jade was surprised by his question, but she couldn't quite put her finger on why.

"At least until the end of the week, but they're happy so far that everything is recovering normally". Her voice caught slightly on the last word and it didn't go unnoticed by Lane, but he paused before replying, taking in her body language and the tight expression on her face.

"I wanted to be a Doctor when I started looking at clinical careers and medicine"

Jade stared at him, unable to help herself as the change in subject surprised her again. She was sure she'd known what was coming after her last statement, the inevitable probe into her psyche. Lane didn't look back at her, instead choosing to look into the flower bed in front of them.

"I always liked the idea of helping people, saving lives that kind of thing" he continued wistfully "I even thought of becoming a paramedic at one point, but I came to realise physical medicine wasn't going to suit me." A small smile appeared on his face,

"Too focused on the body and not the mind".

He twisted to look at Jade, meeting her eyes properly for the first time.

"They've told you you're recovering normally but they haven't asked you if you think you are".

Jade felt something inside her give, it was one thing for her to be thinking it but for someone else to finally say it felt almost liberating, as though it was proof, she wasn't crazy. Dr Griffiths, Nurse Emma and even Beck had kept saying that what she was going through was normal; that her physical injuries were healing well, that her mental state was normal for someone recovering from trauma. Yet no matter what they said it didn't negate the fact that nothing about the way she felt was normal. Jade still felt like a stranger in her own body, like something else was driving her thoughts of which she had no control over.

When Jade didn't say anything, Lane continued.

"So that's when I decided I wanted to train as a psychotherapist, and I tried a few different specialities until I ended up in youth counselling which led me to Hollywood Arts" he finished the story, unsure as to whether Jade was listening but somewhat encourage by the fact she was still looking straight at him.

"Have they given you some mental health support here yet?".

And there it was. The question Jade had been dreading, the question that as she had thought about it all morning had made her want to run away but, for some reason, it wasn't as bad as she was expecting. The dread in her stomach didn't worsen, and she didn't feel quite the same rush of panic as she was used to. Instead she found herself answering without too much thought.

"They gave me a shrink, but I don't think it's going to help"

"Why not?" Lane's tone was plain and unassuming, there was no accusation or judgement loaded in his words which made it slightly easier for Jade to convince herself to part with the information she wanted to hold so close.

"I don't like her" She ground out "She acts like I don't know anything, and she thinks I'm difficult".

Lane frowned slightly, unsure where the line was between the truth and how Jade was perceiving the situation.

"Well you don't have to like your therapist, most people don't in the beginning."

Jade felt her heart sink again, he didn't understand, and she berated herself for ever thinking someone else would. He probably thought the same as Dr Williamson. She didn't say anything further, but Lane noticed the subtle shift in her body language, realising the issues ran deep.

"Have you tried talking to her about your issues with her manner? Or even requested another therapist? Because you can do that if you really don't think you're going to be able to work with her"

"I tried" Jade stated, trying not to let the frustration bleed out "She just accused me of being avoidant".

"And you don't think you were?" Lane asked, taking a chance on what was quite a leading question.

Jade bit her lip, the internal battle over how much to share was unrelenting but something about the conversation she was having felt different to how it was with Dr Williamson. It felt free of judgement without launching to the other extreme of being overly sympathetic and emotional.

"I think I was, but not in the way she thought I was" She said finally, her fingers twitching reflexively as they sought a distraction that wasn't there.

"She acted as though I was trying to avoid talking about everything, and I don't want to talk but I guess I've realised that not talking isn't helping" She paused, focusing on the bubbling fountain and letting the quiet noise fill her head and distract her for a few precious moments.

"But no matter how bad it is in my head, the thought of talking to her now is-"

Terrifying. Sweat inducing. Unbearable.

All of the above.

Jade couldn't finish the sentence out loud, even with her brain filling in the gaps for her. Mercifully, Lane didn't seem bothered with trying to get her to finish it either, whether or not he understood what she was trying to say, Jade wasn't sure

Lane was considering her words carefully, unsure of the best way to help his student. Indeed, he was surprised that Jade had said as much as she had, their sessions together had never been that productive in the past. He knew she wasn't one to talk about her feelings before the incident had happened, so he wasn't surprised that the thought of opening up now, especially to someone she didn't feel comfortable with, was unthinkable.

"So how do you want to proceed Jade? How do you see this going forward?"

"I don't."

The words slipped out before Jade could stop them, later she would blame it on the surprise of someone asking her what she actually wanted. This time, Lane couldn't hide his concerned expression from the girl sitting next to him.

"What goes on in my head terrifies me, it makes me wish I'd never woken up in this damn hospital" Jade tried to explain her voice bitter, she was still looking at the fountain but no longer really seeing it.

"But if I can't talk about it, and I really can't" she stressed "Then it is never going to go anywhere, not really" She dug her nails into her thigh "So there isn't a way forward."

The finality in her tone only added to Lane's concern, the small actions of her hands throughout the conversation hadn't gone unnoticed either. His clinical brain started to whirr, matching up her actions and words to possible diagnoses, the PTSD was obvious, but it was what was accompanying it that was getting Lane's attention. Given her short stay in the hospital so far, he was concerned that she was already convinced that the therapist was not going to be a good thing for her, that she was already decided on the fact she wouldn't be able to talk to anyone. Lane had spent time looking into PTSD under the umbrella of abusive childhoods and developmental trauma as part of his training. He had ultimately decided to go into a school environment over care homes and juvenile detention centres as he found some aspects too difficult to deal with professionally; the cases could be both numerous and brutal, and it was too full-on. Schools provided more of a broader spectrum of issues and interactions which suited him more as it was a balance. Now though, it was like he'd never stepped away as the information filed into place in his mind, bringing to the forefront his concern that Jade was about to be one of far too many who were failed by the system. Especially considering she wasn't too far off being a legal adult at which point, unless there were serious grounds for concern for her personal safety, no one would be able to intervene.

As he sat thinking it all through, it didn't escape his notice that Jade sat unmoving, as though she had become unattached to her surroundings, not even reacting to the quiet noises around her. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Beck was returning but he subtly shook his head towards his approaching figure. Beck frowned, even at a distance the worry was evident on his face. He hovered for a few seconds before pointing between himself and the doors he'd just come out of. To Beck's dismay, Lane inclined his head, indicating that he should back off for a while longer. As much as Lane was sure Jade considered the conversation finished, he wasn't ready yet, and leaving the conversation in a negative place was never a good idea for someone's recovery.

"Jade" he started cautiously "Is there anything you would like me to do? Anything you think I could do to help you with this?" The phrasing was careful and appeared almost over-rehearsed in Lane's attempts to not spook her or trigger whatever part of her brain it was that was programmed to respond with mistrust and shut down when questioned.

"I told the shrink that I wanted you instead of her".

This time it was Lane's turn to be surprised, given that he never got the impression that Jade got anything out of their sessions.

"And what did she say?"

"That she'd talk to you and all the other staff about it, and then they'd decide for me".

Jade's wording didn't escape him, and Lane barely suppressed a cringe at the way things had been communicated to her. While it was clinically correct, it was clumsy for a patient to be reminded that they have little agency in their treatment decisions, especially patients who were victims of trauma.

"Why did you tell them me specifically?"

"It was Beck's idea" Jade said shortly "I went along with it as I thought it would be easier than Dr Williamson".

That made more sense to Lane, but he sensed it wasn't the full story.

"And?"

Jade shifted slightly in the chair.

"I figured it was an easier option, those times you've spoken to me in the past you were never that interested so it seemed like a better option than her and her judgement poking around my brain".

Lane tried not to let the guilt show, having already spent time wrestling with it since the first phone call on Monday morning. Guilt wasn't a productive emotion, he had to remind himself. He was conflicted now, unsure as to the best action to take to help his student while protecting her best interests.

"Would you like me to meet with your clinical team?"

Jade gave a one shouldered shrug, seemingly indifferent.

"I can, I'll also consider agreeing to fill the role of therapist but I won't be doing it if you think you can use me as a get out" Lane's tone was firm now, wanting Jade to understand he wasn't her get out of jail free card.

"Jade, you may not be able to see a way forward, but I can for you, but I'm not going to take it on unless you are willing to give it a proper chance."

Jade looked at him again, scanning his face to try and understand where his words were coming from. Why did he want to help her? She didn't understand and that meant she couldn't quash the distrust she felt. It was the same mistrust that still encroached sometimes when she looked at Beck, when she couldn't work out his motivation for staying, no matter what he told her.

"Jade?"

"I don't want to be like this forever, but I don't know if I can get past it either"

"You won't know until you try" Lane said plainly, keen not to become overly emotive.

Jade appeared to consider this for a moment before finally agreeing.

"I'll try."

It felt oddly similar to conversations she'd had with Beck, but almost like there was less pressure on her, less expectation. She wasn't sure even now if she was going to be able to try but, on some level, she wasn't sure she could carry on as she was either. In reality, she didn't feel like she had a choice either way.

Beck paced just inside the hospital doors, trying to convince himself it was a good thing that Lane wanted more time with Jade on her own. Hell, maybe she'd already started opening up to him although Beck thought it was unlikely. He peeked out again, carefully angling himself so he could see the pair through the various trees only to see Lane looking in his direction wearing an encouraging smile. With a pang of relief, Beck grabbed the bottles of water he'd picked up at the cafeteria and tried to act natural as he sped along the path to the back corner.

"Ah Beck, good timing" Lane said smoothly in greeting. Beck was less suave as he stuck his hand out proffering one of the water bottles to the guidance counsellor.

"Thanks" Lane didn't miss a beat "Well I'll be off to talk to your Doctors then Jade" he said her name a little forcefully and, to Beck's surprise, she responded by looking directly at him as he spoke.

"Then we'll sort out a plan from there"

"Okay".

Lane got up from the bench and wandered off down the path Beck had just come from, Beck waited a beat before taking his seat next to Jade.

"That sounded good?" he prompted

"Yeah" her reply was non-comitial, but Beck tried not to read too much into it, noticing the tension that had reappeared on her face.

"I'm sorry, this was supposed to be relaxing."

To his surprise, Jade snorted in response and he noticed she was flexing her good hand back and forth.

"I don't think I can do relaxing right now" Beck knew the comment was supposed to flippant, more of a brush off than anything else but he couldn't help but feel his heart sink a little at the defeated tone that was bleeding into her voice.

He shifted slightly closer to her so that there his shoulder was pretty much touching her good side. He carefully put his arm around her back, draping it down and gently spreading his fingers just over her rib cage so as to avoid her broken shoulder. Jade barely hesitated before she let her head flop onto his shoulder, accepting his comfort in a gesture she'd so done many times back when they were dating. Beck bit back a smile at the small victory but it didn't stop him from pressing a small kiss into her hair. She didn't react as such, but she didn't shrug him off either. As he rested his head on hers, he could see the slightly red, jagged scar poking out from under her dark hair where her mother's glass had made contact. Beck was amazed that after only a few days, her hair was already growing over it. The spot where the tube had gone in would take longer as they'd completely shaved it, but it was less obvious overall.

Jade shifted slightly, snuggling deeper into his embrace, although she would deny from now until the day she died that she ever snuggled with anyone. She still couldn't find peace in her mind but somehow, in that moment, it was a little bit more bearable. The conversation with Lane had gone somewhere she wasn't expecting, it now felt like she had someone other than Beck fighting her corner. She was at war with the fact she didn't want anyone else near her but, now, a bigger part of her was welcoming it. The tightness in her chest was still there but it had loosened ever so slightly as she sat, leaning against Beck. She shut her eyes, trying just to take everything in and stay present in the moment; the familiar smell of Beck's fabric conditioner, the gentle bubbling of the fountain next to her and the even gentler breeze that caught the static of her hair. Jade tried to will away the dread and just find a moment to breathe.

* * *

**Well I originally had more planned for this chapter, but in the end I wanted to try and do the conversation justice, so I hope it worked. **

**Thank you so much to everyone who has read/followed/favourited/reviewed - it honestly means the world that 22 chapters in, people haven't lost interest yet. **


	23. Chapter 23

Jade wasn't sure how long they sat outside for, only that it was long enough for the breeze to penetrate enough to make her cold; even then she didn't complain, she didn't say a word. It was Beck who noticed the raised flesh on her exposed neck and suggested they go back to her room. Jade didn't actually want to go back to the room, it suddenly felt oppressive in comparison to her time spent in the garden, but she didn't really have a choice in the matter. She managed to semi-successfully walk herself the couple of steps from the chair to the bed, without wobbling; although, Beck stayed close, ready to catch her if she fell. Jade wanted to be annoyed at the coddling, but she couldn't seem to muster up the energy for it.

A tray had been left with food on it, but it had long since gone cold. Jade barely paid it any heed, to Beck's dismay, but he salvaged the fruit and biscuits in case she wanted them later. He left to return the tray, certain the smell was getting to Jade just as much, if not more, than it was getting to him. Jade checked her phone, feeling a small pang of something she couldn't quite identify at the lack of messages. She knew she shouldn't be surprised, but she'd half been expecting her father to send another message, if only just checking in because she hadn't responded to his earlier message. With her good arm, she awkwardly placed her phone face-down, back on the side before picking up the controls to the bed to recline it slightly. It was almost laughable to Jade that she was actually considering a nap in the middle of the afternoon, it was ridiculous how much had changed in less than a week; and there it was again.

Like a high-speed freight train, the enormity of everything that had happened hit her all over again. The fact that she could barely walk under her own steam, the fact she'd never get to see her mother again, the fact her father was now popping in and out of her life at his leisure. Her thoughts drifted to the previous Tuesday, to going to school like normal, barely noticing her mother's absence in the morning. She was so used to the odd hours her mother kept, Jade had stopped registering when she came and went, so often locking herself in her room after school if she bothered to go straight home at all. Jade would try to stay out where possible, frequenting various coffee shops and secluded school study spaces until such a time as she had to go home. It made avoiding her mother altogether easier, only being home to eat and sleep from the safety of her room. Her mother barely commented on it, usually reduced to snide comments made in passing when they did see each other.

"You're a nasty little bitch."

The words from the previous week suddenly resurfaced in her mind, and Jade was unable to stop them from pulling her back to the kitchen and the argument that ended with a glass being thrown. Her mother's cutting words bouncing around her head again and again until Jade couldn't hear anything but them. Her breathing started to quicken, and she felt the same panic rise within her that she had felt that evening as she bolted from the house.

A buzzing started in her ears, low at first but getting louder as the final seconds before she fell down the stairs swum before her again.

'_Pushed.' _

'_She pushed you down the stairs._'

Jade's chest went tight, as though it was suddenly being crushed by a weight far heavier than her. Her breathing was short as the world started to swim around her, her head pounding in time with her heart which felt as though it was about to break free of her rib cage.

Her hands scrambled over the sheets, desperate to find something to ground her, something to hold onto, but there was nothing. The sheets were softer than before, too soft, and the threads she was so used to pulling were gone. As her vision continued to swim, Jade became desperate.

Was this what dying felt like?

She tried to move, practically tearing the sheets off the side of the bed as she searched for something, for the purple giraffe, or even a hand to hold but she came up empty once again. Jade was certain she was going to pass out, there was no way she could keep this up for much longer; the thought was almost comforting, the idea that oblivion wasn't too far away.

* * *

As Lane walked down the corridor, he felt reasonably optimistic, his meeting with the Jade's medical team having gone well. Dr Williamson had taken some convincing but Jade's surgeon, Dr Griffiths, had been supportive of the swap. For what it was worth, now Lane had met Dr Williamson, he understood more why Jade didn't like the therapist. It was nothing to do with her ability to counsel but more her manner, and the way she carried herself that he was realising would have rubbed Jade up the wrong way. Jade wasn't the most tolerant of people to begin with, and to have to commit to being vulnerable in-front of someone was a big ask if you didn't like them. It did leave Lane with some apprehension however, as he never considered himself to be on a list of people Jade liked; he'd never even given it that much thought. Their conversation outside had given him some hope that he could help her if she would let him in close enough but, if she didn't, they would have limited options to get her the help she needed.

Lane sighed quietly, unexpectedly weary for only the second day of a week. He never would have imagined a turn of events quite as dramatic as this would be something he had to deal with working in a school, even if it was a performing arts school. He paused as he read the room numbers, realising he'd found the correct corridor and arrived outside Jade's room. He knocked quietly on the door, not wanting to barge in unannounced but there was no response. He chanced a look through the small window and was surprised to see Jade laying on the bed with no Beck in sight.

'Maybe he's gone home for a rest' Lane reasoned with himself, pausing as he considered leaving Jade to her rest, but something wasn't quite right. He looked again, this time really looking as he took in her tense posture, even from behind the glass he could see the tension in her body, the way her jaw clenched. Lane frowned as his eyes drifted down the bed and saw the frantic motion of her free hand, partly obscured by bed railings. Instantly he recognised the movement from earlier but now it was different and alarm bells went off in his head. Realising there was no nurse in the vicinity, Lane entered the room and carefully approached the bed.

"Jade, everything okay?"

Lane wasn't sure what to expect but Jade's eyes snapped open and she took in a ragged breath which ended up as more of a gasp followed by a second shorter gasp as she struggled to get air into her lungs. Lane lurched forward, hurriedly pressing the call button for the nurse before trying to help Jade into an upright position.

"Jade, it's okay, you're safe, we need to get you sitting up" he spoke calmly, trying to make keep eye contact however Jade's eyes were pale and glazed in fear for whatever she was seeing. Lane knew a lot about panic attacks, he'd seen a fair number of students suffer with them, but this was definitely one of the more extreme he'd ever seen. As Jade failed to respond, he put an arm on her good side intending to gently guide her upright, but his action only seemed to panic Jade further. She recoiled harshly, almost pushing herself completely to the other side of the bed, her eyes darting around in a manner that only confirmed whatever Jade was seeing, it wasn't the room around her. Her slinged arm knocked into the other bed guard, causing pain to ricochet through her shoulder, only adding to the torrent of sensations currently assaulting her.

"Jade?" Beck's alarmed voice made Lane turn to see the teenager flying through the door, evidently having seen her distressed movements.

Beck rounded the other side of the bed in an instant, narrowly avoiding a collision with the still precariously stacked fruit paraphernalia Cat had bought.

"Jade" Beck said her name softly as he positioned himself in-front of her, resisting the urge to touch her after having seen her recoil so harshly at Lane's attempts. Lane thumbed the call button a few more times, frustrated that no one had yet responded.

"Come on, it's okay" Beck was still talking in the same soft tone, now holding Jade's gaze as her eyes cleared slightly. Her chest was still heaving but her breaths weren't as short. Her hand was still searching, the movement so vigorous it was as though it was entirely separate from the rest of her body. Beck saw it and gently reached across her and took hold of her hand. The effect was almost instantaneous, as Jade immediately closed her hand around Beck's, squeezing so tight Beck had to swallow against the pressure.

"That's good Beck, just keep talking to her" Lane's voice was low, and Beck didn't even glance his way as the counsellor swiftly backed out of the room.

"Come back to us Jade" Beck murmured "It's going to be alright."

Jade could still hear a roaring in her ears, still feel her pulse as though her heart was beating with the force a high-powered engine but now there was something else there as well. She could feel the warmth had returned to her hand and she could feel a second calmer, steadier pulse under it. She tried to hold tighter, only to be unable to instead feeling something soft that didn't make sense. She felt odd, almost nauseous before the same warmth suddenly encompassed her upper body; she allowed her eyes to shut and let herself revel in the feeling, trying to convince the invisible ties around her chest to loosen. She could feel soft vibrations, but she wasn't sure where they came from, an exhale of air that danced across her ears like a summer breeze. Her mind started to drift from the disjointed recollection of a dark staircase to an unidentifiable cliff edge which overlooked a vast cerulean blue sea.

The place seemed familiar somehow, but Jade couldn't remember having ever been there before. The waves crashed against the rocks but with almost no sound. Jade considered the sound was lost on the wind, but the wind was barely there. It was as though someone had simply muted the chaos beneath her, leaving her in an almost eerily quiet haze, staring out to the horizon where the blue of the sea met the ill-defined grey of the sky above. Jade stared, finding herself unable to do much else.

* * *

Beck felt a wave of relief come over him as the sedative started to work on Jade, causing her to relax slightly in his embrace. He looked up at the other two occupants in the room, taking in their expressions from the grave look on Lane's face to the resigned look on Emma's, who was still holding the now empty syringe.

"It's the same one we administered before, she should come around in thirty minutes or so" Emma informed them.

"Alert us when she does, I want to give her shoulder a check."

Lane nodded his agreement and Emma left; Beck stayed focused on the girl now slumped against his chest. He knew he should probably lay her back onto the bed, but he wasn't ready to let her go just yet.

Everything he'd been thinking, the bad feeling hanging over him whenever he left had just been proved correct, something had happened when he wasn't there, maybe even because he wasn't there. He tried to take comfort in the fact she was still there, her body warm against his as proof of this, but it did nothing to chase away the inner anger he felt for not being there in the first place.

"The nurse said this has happened before, was this what you told me about at school?" Lane questioned quietly.

"Yeah, on Saturday after her father visited" Beck confirmed "But I don't know what would have set her off this time, I thought things were going well."

Lane felt a wave of sympathy overcome him, not just for Jade but also for Beck as he took in just how lost the boy in front of him sounded.

"The brain is very complicated" he started to explain "Even now, it's one of the parts of the body that we know the least about because there are so many different layers to it."

Lane dropped himself into Beck's usual chair, resting his elbows on his knees as he continued.

"Jade's brain has been through significant emotional trauma following what I now believe were years of emotional abuse, and she's now struggling to cope."

"So, she just had a panic attack of her own accord?" Beck questioned, trying to understand what Lane was telling him.

"Essentially although these things will have triggers, although they won't always be obvious, it can be a person, a conversation with certain words or even a thought."

If possible, Beck looked even more downcast at Lane's latest admission; how was Jade going to be able to fight something like that?

"What's more is I'm not certain that was a panic attack"

"What else would it be?"

"As I'm sure you know, Jade has a working diagnosis of PTSD" Beck nodded his head briefly, while nothing had been explicitly stated, his night-time internet searches had led him to believe as much.

"Well, one of the defining factors in PTSD can be episodes where the person flashes back to the event that caused it, in a lot of ways it is more severe than a panic attack as the brain is under attack on several different levels, emotionally, neurologically and physically" Lane exhaled as he gathered his thoughts together,

"The effects are longer lived and can also fit into any of those three groups."

Beck looked down at Jade who was still resting against his chest, her head tucked tight enough under his chin that every so often her hair tickled it as he spoke. He took in the jagged cut which he could now see clearly as he was looking down on her, his eyes strayed further down to her shoulder and sling around her arm that he'd so carefully positioned even with everything going on, to make sure he didn't hurt her further. If you'd asked Beck a week ago whether Jade was a strong person, he would have said yes immediately and while his answer was still the same now, if not more emphatic, he couldn't help but wonder if she was strong enough to beat all of this.

His thoughts must have been reflected on his face as Lane started to talk again.

"Many people recover from PTSD Beck, but it does take time, there isn't a quick fix"

"It's so unfair" Beck's voice was hoarse, thick with emotion "Why did so much have to happen to her in one go?"

"Life is rarely fair" Lane commented evenly, carefully watching Beck as he tried to deal with the emotions welling up within him. After Beck's outburst in his office the day before, Lane was also concerned for his wellbeing. It appeared as though he'd thrown himself headfirst into the role of being Jade's main support, exacerbated by the fact that she genuinely didn't seem to have anyone else to fill that role, but it was a big undertaking. As it was, Lane didn't think Beck would be dissuaded from his new purpose, nor did Lane necessarily think that he should be, but he intended to watch Beck closely as well.

"I'm going to step out and make some calls, but I won't be far"

Beck nodded but didn't look-up.

"You should get Jade back onto the bed; she may be very disorientated when she wakes up".

Lane's tone was kind, but it was clear that what he was saying wasn't actually a suggestion.

* * *

After the counsellor left, Beck didn't move immediately. He just stayed still half-standing, half perching on the side of the bed just reassuring himself one last time that Jade was still there, still breathing and still alive. He didn't think he would ever forget the icy cold of her skin when he'd found her at the bottom of the staircase, the terror he felt as he waited to feel her breath or see her chest rise and fall. Beck hadn't known that he was capable of feeling a terror that great and he wanted more than anything to never feel that way again.

It was only as his back started to really complain that he carefully moved her, so she was laid down on the bed. He tried to pull the covers up as best he could, noting that the sheets must have been changed while they were out of the room. He frowned as he realised that her small hole was gone, suddenly understanding more of her behaviour when he'd returned to the room barely half an hour before. Beck returned to his usual side of the bed, spying the giraffe that had been moved on top of his bag and evidently not put back on the bed. He eyed it for a second as he picked it up, suddenly finding the lurid purple body too bright against the neon green mane, but he placed it on the bed so Jade could easily reach it if she wanted to.

He was about to sit down himself when he saw her start to stir. Immediately his hand was back in hers, reminding himself she could be disorientated. Her eyes flickered open and, for a brief moment, Beck thought everything would be fine until she bolted upright, her breathing suddenly fast and short.

"Jade, Jade look at me, it's fine, you're fine, everything is fine" Beck hurried, bringing their joined hands up to his chest again, mimicking the action that had started to calm her before. Jade met his eyes, confusion bleeding through her scared expression but her jaw was no less clenched. Back pushed her hand harder against his chest, right where his heart was beating slightly faster than usual.

"Breathe with me" he tried for a reassuring expression, desperate to help her get it under control.

Jade looked at him for a beat longer before swallowing hard and focusing in on the steady rise and fall of Beck's chest under her hand and the warmth she could feel there. Beck tried to exaggerate his breathing, wanting it to be as easy as possible for her but had to be careful not to choke himself as the air seemed to keep getting stuck in his throat. After a few minutes, Jade finally seemed calmer and Beck allowed himself to relax slightly. Her hand sagged slightly in his and he took it off his chest, keeping them joined but back on the sheets.

"What happened?"

Beck tried not to read too much into her tone, the stark vulnerability making him feel like the small progress of the last few days had been wiped in a few short minutes.

"You had an episode of sorts" he tried to explain "They had to sedate you again"

"But they never did before?" Jade was confused and still groggy, none of this was making sense.

"This was different to before, you were-" Beck broke off, unsure how best to explain it "You were almost hyperventilating, and you were really scared".

"I don't remember" Jade was frowning now, struggling to get her brain to piece together what Beck was telling her. She thought she could remember being scared but then all she could remember was feeling cold and something that made her think about sea air; nothing was making sense.

Beck watched her carefully as he hit the call button for the Nurse, this time it was barely a minute before Emma was walking through the door.

"Ah Jade, you're awake, that's good" her forced cheeriness aggravated Beck but went practically unnoticed by Jade who was still trying to process what was happening around her. As she took Jade through a series of questions about how she was feeling, Beck sat quietly, only relinquishing her hand when he finally had to. Emma left satisfied that Jade hadn't hurt herself further but leaving some extra painkillers for her headache. As if more evidence was needed that Jade wasn't herself, Beck had thought darkly when she had admitted her head hurt a lot to Emma.

Lane re-entered the room, having encountered Emma on her way out who brought him up to speed. To Beck, he appeared as the epitome of calm and reason which frustrated Beck more than he thought it should. He felt envious that Lane could be so chilled in this situation while he sat there with his stomach tying itself in ever tighter knots.

"Jade, how are you feeling?" He had approached the bed but stayed a respectful distance in Jade's direct line of sight. Jade looked at him, the debate as to whether to bother answering him played out across her face ultimately swayed as Lane stayed firm. She begrudgingly remembered the talk they had in the garden, which was almost all she could remember for the afternoon, where she'd promised o=to try.

"My head hurts" she finally said, avoiding prolonged eye contact "I'm tired" she fiddled with the fur on the giraffe by her hand.

Lane nodded understandingly,

"I expect you're bored of hearing this but that is normal – do you remember what happened?"

Jade shook her head.

"Okay, don't force yourself to remember" he instructed "You need to cut yourself a break".

Jade looked up at him surprised, as though that was the last thing she expected him to say.

"Seriously, try and get some rest – proper rest" he clarified "I'll be back in the morning to see how you're doing and to start discussing treatment with you"

"They agreed?"

"Yes" Lane smiled "I've spoken to your father as well and he is onboard as well, so tomorrow we will start off nice and slow".

If Lane had hoped the snippet about her father would have cheered Jade up a bit, he would have been wrong. A dark expression flickered across her face, it was fast and gone within seconds, but it didn't go unnoticed.

Jade stared off into the distance and Lane knew not to push it, instead turning to Beck.

"When I said rest, I meant you too" he was sterner now.

"I'm not leaving" Beck was defiant, ready to argue if he had to.

"That's not necessarily what I'm suggesting" Lane was now treading carefully "But I have a responsibility to you as well and I will be updating your mom, as you should be" He gave Beck a pointed look and Beck had the decency to look slightly abashed. Content that he had made his point, Lane departed sparing only one last glance through the window to witness Beck holding Jade's hand again. He sighed quietly before setting off down the corridor.

Jade felt Beck take her hand and didn't bother to resist, the painkillers were making her drowsy and the security from his hand was too nice to deny herself. Her last thought as she drifted off to sleep was how odd it was that something as simple as a hand hold could affect her so much.

It didn't take long for Beck to close his eyes and start to doze after Jade had fallen asleep; apparently Lane had noticed his tiredness more than he had. It didn't feel like he was out long before he was interrupted again but the arrival of the dinner round.

"She's only just got to sleep, but she didn't eat any lunch" he whispered to the man who'd brought the trays that evening. He nodded in understanding,

"The nurse arranged for her to have sandwiches for her evening meal" he showed Beck the packaged food. "She can eat it when she wakes up"

"Oh, thanks" Beck was suddenly overwhelmed with gratitude for such a simple gesture and smiled at the man's back as he left the room.

He checked Jade was still sleeping soundly and was just about to settle back down when he felt the tell-tale buzz in his back pocket.

_Incoming Call: Mom_

He frowned, not wanting to leave the room to take it but equally didn't feel as though he could ignore it, especially after what Lane had said. He accepted the call, before speaking in a hushed voice.

"I'm just leaving the room, give me a minute"

He moved quietly out of his seat and out the room but no further, content to hover outside so he could see through the window in case anything happened.

"How are you Beck? How's Jade?" His mother's tone was carefully controlled but Beck could tell she was anxious.

"Not great" he replied and explained the events of the afternoon.

"You're still sleeping at the hospital?"

"Yeah, I can't face going home right now" Beck ran a hand through his hair, hoping his mother wasn't about to object too much. She did sigh but offered no real argument.

"I know that's what you think now but you may want to consider it soon, Beck"

"Yes mom"

"Beck I know what you're going through is hard, and it's wonderful you want to be there for her, both your father and I are very proud of you" Beck felt flushed as she spoke, his eyes suddenly misting slightly. Those were not words he heard all that often and definitely didn't expect to be used when concerning Jade.

"But you need to look after yourself as well, or you will be of no use to anyone"

"I know Mom, I'll try I promise"

"We'll be home this weekend, but I want you to keep me updated, properly"

"Yes Mom"

"You'd better not be sassing me, young man" She teased him gently.

"Never, Mom" the slight smile was evident in his voice.

"Much better, I love you Beck, sleep well"

"Love you too, Mom"

The call ended making him feel lighter and heavier all at once. It was nice his parents were trying, and his mom was definitely being more lenient than he thought she would, but he supposed it was hard not to once she realised her son wasn't going to let Jade go through this alone. It wasn't that his parents hated Jade, and he was sure they never actively wished her ill will, but they didn't approve of the relationship. They saw it as Beck rebelling and trying to assert his independence, the culmination of many things that had contributed to their strained relationship over the years which included his decision to go to a performing arts school. His move to the RV had actually helped their relationship, as his parents had then realised, he wasn't kidding around about making his own rules.

Beck slipped back into Jade's room, encouraged to see she hadn't moved since he left, and flopped back into the chair. His weariness seemed to assault him, and his eyes started to shut of their own accord; barely two minutes later, Beck was asleep.

* * *

When Jade woke the following morning, she was frustrated to still feel the familiar, and painful, throb in her head. Against her better judgement, she opened her eyes wanting to know what the time was and luckily it was just early enough that it wasn't too bright. She tried to recall the events of the previous afternoon, but everything still seemed fuzzy, like a photograph where everything was just out of focus.

For some reason she felt an anxiousness gnawing away at her the more she tried to remember, and all she was getting back was a feeling of fear. It was when a sudden pain shot through her jaw and up into her head that she realised she was clenching her jaw. Jade took a deep breath and tried to bury the feeling, pushing at it until she stopped thinking about the previous afternoon altogether.

Somewhat calmer, she turned her head to look at Beck who she was relieved to see was in his normal position in the reclining chair by the bed, a copy of 'The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde' upside down in his lap. They'd finished The Scissoring yesterday evening but neither one of them was ready for sleep, luckily Beck had apparently planned for that and pulled another of her favourites from his bag. That much she did remember, she had woken up around 11pm to the sound of Beck eating a packet of crisps, her painkillers having worn off by then. Beck had made her eat something before she took her evening medication but having slept through most of the evening already, she didn't fall asleep straight away. Instead, Beck had set them up with the books and more fruit tea, that she was now grudgingly accepting as not the most awful drink in the world, although it still didn't come close to coffee.

She tried to reach for her phone, which was just out of reach, but her arm felt too heavy to move. She frowned but gave up after her second attempt, finding the muscles felt like they were on the brink of seizing. It was odd, the more she thought about it, the more she realised her whole body felt like it. She let her arm drop back to the bed with a soft thump, only for it to be followed by a loud clatter as the phone in question was bounced onto the floor.

"Whass goin' on?" Beck jumped out of his seat as the noise woke him with a start, on his feet before his eyes were fully open.

"Jade? Are you okay?" He blinked furiously, trying to wake himself up only to find Jade looking at him strangely.

"Yeah, my phone fell" Jade offered as an explanation but didn't move.

"Huh? Oh" Beck looked down at the phone on the floor "It fell?" he questioned, debating whether it was worth asking whether she had actually thrown it. Jade's eyes narrowed slightly at the implication.

"It fell, I was trying to get it."

Wisely, Beck didn't question her further and bent down to retrieve the phone before handing it to her. She clicked it to life briefly before setting it back down, another ten notifications from Cat could wait awhile. She turned her attention back to Beck, who was now running his hands through his hair and down his face, and it suddenly struck her how tired he looked. He looked as bad as she felt but lacked her reasoning for it. She surmised he wasn't getting as much as sleep as she was as he kept reading as she drifted off, he also wasn't being jabbed with a sedative when his brain got out of control, but he looked far beyond normal tired and more worn.

"Beck, are you alright?"

Beck turned to her, blinking in surprise.

"Isn't that supposed to be my line?" he half chuckled but Jade didn't so much as smile.

"You don't look good" She said bluntly but Beck tried to brush her off.

"It's the chair, doesn't give me the ten hours of beauty sleep I'm used to."

Jade had teased him relentlessly in the past about his inability to stay up late, always saying that it was because he was afraid of getting ugly if he didn't sleep enough. Now though, she wasn't so sure, was Beck suffering so much because he wasn't going home at night?

"If you'd rather go home -" Jade started but Beck cut across her immediately.

"Nope, I won't sleep as well if I go home" he stated firmly, refusing to even consider it.

"You're obviously not sleeping well here" Jade pointed out

"It'll be worse at home, at least here I know-" He broke off, unsure as to whether they were in the right place for him to finish the sentence without it becoming awkward.

"You know what?" He should have known Jade wouldn't let that go. He looked her straight in the eyes.

"At least here I know you're okay"

Jade felt something akin to a flutter in her stomach with a simultaneous gut punch of guilt, apparently revived from the other day.

"Beck"

"Nope, no guilt" Beck dismissed, almost forcibly cheery "We've been through this, more than once, and I'm not changing my mind, if anything I'm doing this as much for me as I am for you."

Jade wanted to argue but she remembered their conversation from before and shut her mouth. She knew she didn't want to send Beck away anyway, he felt like the only grounding force for her in all this, the only real stability she had.

They sat quietly again, watching the room lighten and change colours around them as the sun rose over the horizon. The stillness was slowly interrupted as the hospital began to wake-up, but it was still relatively quiet when Beck's phone buzzed.

_(1) New Message: Tori Vega_

_Hey Beck! Hope everything is going alright, and that Jade is feeling better. Can you come to the main hospital entrance?_

Beck felt his stomach lurch unpleasantly. What was Tori playing at? He said Jade didn't want visitors and that meant no one, not even Cat at the moment. And so early in the day as well?

"Something wrong?" Jade had seen his face change.

"Nope" he popped the 'p' in an attempt to appear causal, and unbothered. He stuffed his phone into his pocket, prepared to ignore the message completely before another thought struck him. What if Tori spoke to the receptionist and found out the room?

Shit.

"I'm going to go to the restroom" he announced, as nonchalantly as he could manage. It meant leaving Jade, but he was more willing to leave to prevent whatever was about to happen if he didn't deal with Tori. It didn't stop him from pressing the nurse call button into Jade's hand before he left, reminding her to press it if anything changed. He felt the same stab of anxiety, but he pushed it down as he sped off through the maze of corridors.

* * *

"Beck! Hey!" Tori called as Beck exited the door, beckoning him over to the bench she was sitting on.

"Tori?" Beck was confused "What's going on? Wait, what is that?" He motioned to the basket wrapped in cellophane sitting next to her, a giant black bow adorned on top.

"We got some bits for Jade" She explained, practically giddy. "We wanted to make sure she was comfortable in hospital"

"We?" Beck was still lost.

"Yeah, you know, Me, Andre, Robbie and Cat".

"Oh"

"What, you don't think it's a good idea?" Her voice suddenly became worried and her face fell.

"No, it's just unexpected is all"

"Oh, well, I know she doesn't want to see anyone, and we all know she doesn't do sympathy so we thought this might be a good compromise."

Beck was momentarily taken aback at the thoughtfulness of their friends. While he knew they were all shocked and upset when he'd told them the news, he didn't expect this. He felt slightly ashamed that he'd just assumed Tori was going to want to visit Jade and not take no for an answer. He was still a little confused, after all Tori and Jade were not really friends in any sense of the word, but he pushed it aside; that was something he could dwell on later.

"Will you give it to her?" Tori's voice broke through his thoughts, her expression expectant.

"Uh, yeah, what's in it?

"Oh this and that, things we thought she might need, Cat helped pick out stuff that Jade would like."

Beck took that with a pinch of salt, thinking of the differences between the two girls.

Tori picked up the hamper and passed it to Beck.

"Sorry, but I've got to get going, I've got early rehearsal at school today for the Spring showcase" She said brightly.

"No, that's fine" Beck grappled with the edge, it wasn't huge, but the cellophane made it slippery.

"And let us know if Jade likes it?" Tori asked and Beck simply nodded.

After Tori had left, he placed the hamper back down on the bench, pulling the bow aside so he could see what was inside. There were around 8 items he could see, most creams or lotions of some sort but also a little box of mints, some chocolate peanuts that Jade coveted and a small fluffy bat? Beck raised an eyebrow, deciding that was definitely Cat's influence. He deliberated for a moment, unsure how Jade would react to the hamper but ultimately decided it was worth it and carried it in.

* * *

Jade wasn't surprised when Beck returned having obviously been somewhere other than the restroom, even in her groggy state, she wasn't stupid. Also, despite being a Class A actor Beck was an awful liar, to her at least. However, she was surprised when he came back with a wrapped and bowed hamper.

"Don't tell me they're giving out gifts in the men's room now" She stated dryly.

"Ah no, I wasn't in the men's room" Jade raised an eyebrow in a classic 'no shit' expression, which was no less effective despite the tiredness in her eyes.

"I got a text that this was being dropped off, for you" He added hastily as he set it on the edge of Jade's bed. She eyed it warily, as though one might a bomb that was waiting to explode.

"Beck, what is this?" Her patience was running thin and this wasn't making sense to her. Beck reached to rub the back of his neck,

"Tori, Andre, Cat and Robbie wanted to get you some things, to try and help you feel better."

Jade stared at him and then at the hamper, her expression blank. He could practically see her withdrawing, creating the distance she was so used to using as a shield and Beck cursed himself for thinking bringing it in was a good idea.

"They just wanted to help Jade" he tried to salvage the situation "They wanted you to know they were thinking of you".

Jade's expression darkened as she stared at the hamper. Feelings were welling up inside her, confusion, anger and chiefly shame were rising up as quickly as she could squash them. The more she stared at the hamper, the worse it seemed to get. Beck watched her, wishing more than anything that he could just get it out the room and pretend it never happened. Yes, it had been a nice idea, but Jade wasn't ready for this just yet, and he saw that now. It was too much to deal with, other people's feelings, hadn't she already told him that? Especially when she was this vulnerable after the events of the previous afternoon, the last thing she wanted was to factor other people into that equation, no matter how well-intentioned the gesture had been.

"I can put it away if you want, you don't have to open it, not now" Beck was almost timid, but he wanted Jade to know she had options, not to make her feel like she was cornered. Jade regarded the hamper for almost a further full minute before her eyes flicked to Beck's in silent agreement. He moved immediately, taking the hamper and putting it down by his bag, covering it with the pillows and blanket from his chair bed. He turned back to Jade who looked like her mind was far away had it not been for the obsessive movement of her hand against the giraffe fur. He found himself biting his lip as he worried before offering up his hand again.

She hesitated; her movements stilled for a second before she took it carefully in hers. He could practically feel the hurt and confusion radiating off her in waves, the seemingly endless conflict in her head as every detail was deliberated. He moved with a quiet determination, moving the call button back to its rest before manoeuvring himself next to her on the hospital bed. She tensed but only slightly before allowing him to draw her close and tuck her into his chest, her head resuming its position from the previous afternoon.

Beck felt something tugging at his heart strings as she accepted his comfort. She may not have initiated it, or even actively moved for it but the fact she was letting him hold her was, in his mind, a significant step.

In her mind, Jade's usual discomfort at his affection had been drowned out by the overwhelming feeling of acceptance as he drew her close. There was no judgement for the fact she couldn't handle a well-meaning gift, no resentment or frustration and no pushing her to do 'better'. It was something Jade didn't even realise she needed but she realised she felt understood, and she couldn't remember the last time she felt that.

* * *

**Well I didn't think I would get it finished tonight, but here is it. I hope you enjoyed reading it, please feel free to leave comments letting me know your thoughts/if you liked it. It's quite a long one so I hope it flows okay. **

**It's a long road to recovery for Jade but she's slowly beginning to understand she isn't as alone as she has felt. **

**Thank you so much to everyone who had favourited/followed/reviewed, it really does make my day.**


	24. Chapter 24

Jade was still curled in Beck's arms when Emma arrived to start her morning routine. Beck had hoped she would fall asleep again but she didn't, although it wasn't for lack of trying on Jade's part. Every time she closed her eyes it seemed to send her brain into overdrive, but with them open it was somehow easier to relax with Beck wrapped around her. The voice was still there, whispering words dripped in poison about weakness and dependency but she was able to keep them at bay, just.

Neither of them moved as Emma walked in but Beck was quietly annoyed that the fragile peace was going to be disturbed. As Emma started with the routine, her voice cheery, Beck found himself reluctant to move, not helped by the fact that Jade's good hand had a light hold on the bulky hoodie he'd ended up sleeping in. However, Emma's pointed look had him moving off the bed as she took Jade's vitals and questioned her about her night.

"Fancy another shower?"

Jade looked at Emma, unsure as to how to answer the question. The thought of the shower was actually quite appealing, which took her by surprise, but the thought of getting all the way down the corridor seemed impossible. To her credit, Emma appeared to be on her wavelength.

"Remember you don't have to stand up once inside, and it will probably make you feel a bit less, well"

"Shit?" Jade proffered darkly.

"I was going to go with 'tired' but whatever works for you."

Beck watched the two of them with interest, surprised by Jade's engagement in the conversation, even more so as she started to shuffle to the edge of the bed. Beck held back as she sorted herself out, as did Emma, but moved forward at the Nurse's indication.

"If Beck can help you get down the hall, I'll join you in a minute" She addressed Jade who gave a short nod, now grappling with her balance on the edge of the bed. Beck moved to her good side and extended an arm around her lower back.

"Want me to fetch the chair?"

"I'd rather stick pins in my eyes." Beck was unable to supress a smirk at her words, their intended venomous impact slightly diminished by the intense concentration on her face as she found her balance on the floor.

The walk down the corridor was slow but Beck was encouraged as her steadiness appeared to have improved from the day before. It was scary to see her ability to move so diminished, something that hadn't even crossed his mind as a potential issue. However, he was soon distracted as an awkwardness arose as they reached the door to the shower room. All of a sudden, his mouth dried up and he wasn't sure whether he was meant to help her inside or wait outside; if he took her in, was he supposed to help her undress?

On the other hand, Jade was oblivious and frustrated as she worked hard not to let her legs collapse beneath her following the exertion of the short journey down the corridor.

"It's not a magic door Beck, it won't open by itself"

"Right, yes, sorry" He bumbled and opened the door with his free hand, successfully getting Jade into the room. Jade fixed him with a confused look, unable to work out what his deal suddenly was and why it was making him weird. As Jade settled into the waiting chair, Beck dug his hands into his pant pockets and busied himself looking at anything but her.

Jade started to move her arm out of the sling, shaking slightly with the effort to not move her shoulder any more than necessary. With the sling finally clear, Jade breathed a small sigh of relief, glad she seemed to be getting the hang of how to manage her newly broken shoulder. She lifted up her good arm to run a hand through her hair, pausing to feel the short, stubble at the base of her skull; she frowned at the feeling. She looked up at Beck who was now shifting his weight from foot to foot while staring determinedly at the wall with the shower head on.

"What is wrong with you?" Jade snapped, his movements setting her on edge.

"Huh? Nothing's wrong"

Jade raised an eyebrow in warning, knowing he was lying but unable to tell why. Why was he lying to her? Was he keeping something from her that she should know? She felt her stomach twist unpleasantly.

"What's going on?" Her tone was wary, and she fought not to let too much uncertainty through, determined to hold it together. At her voice, Beck finally made eye contact as he realised something was wrong.

"I, uh, didn't know if you wanted your privacy, or needed help with, you know" he tried not to stutter, tried to play it cool but all of a sudden it seemed to personal. It was insane really, he thought as he tried to rationalise it. They'd seen each other completely naked on more occasions than he could count, in numerous intimate situations. Hell, he used to be able to map out the small freckles on her pale skin, run his hands over the seemingly impossibly soft expanses of her skin, hold her close as they fell over the edge of pleasure but, just a few months on, it suddenly seemed inappropriate to even think about.

Jade felt her cheeks colouring as she realised what he was talking about, the blush only deepening as she saw how off base her own thoughts had been, how she had immediately thought the worst. She tried to brush him off.

"No Beck, I definitely don't need your help with that" Her words were no more sharp than her earlier retort but they cut deeper for some reason. Beck backed off but the awkwardness now lingered until Emma opened the door a few moments later.

* * *

Beck slipped back out into the corridor and down to Jade's room, shaking his head as he tried to get the thoughts of her from his mind; the thoughts of a happier time. He busied himself going through his bag, realising he would have to go back to the RV again today for more clothes and probably a shower himself; while he didn't yet smell he was certainly no longer fresh. He checked his phone to see a message from Tori, asking if Jade had opened the hamper yet. His finger hovered over the reply button.

How did he explain that Jade hadn't opened it?

Deciding he would deal with that later, he set about tidying up the chair and carefully moving the hamper further under the bed, so it was only just poking out. He took himself to the visitor's bathroom and changed into his last set of clean clothes while trying to tame his rather wild hair. It didn't seem to matter how much he combed it or wetted it; it was determined to look like a mess. He probably could have played it off better if he didn't have slightly bloodshot eyes surrounded by dark circles making it look less like a fashion choice and more like chronic insomnia. It was frustrating for Beck, as far as he was concerned, he was sleeping. Sure, it wasn't for as long or the same quality as a bed, but every night was better than the one he'd tried to spend on his own. As he gave up styling his hair with a sigh, Beck wondered if the issue was, he hadn't really slept well for a few months now, not since he'd lost his semi-permanent bed partner.

Beck would never usually admit it, but he was very much a snuggler. After he and Jade had started sharing a bed, he'd grown so used to having her there almost every night and curling up with her. Jade probably wouldn't admit it either but they were extremely cuddly at night. Even when they were in the midst of an argument, night was the time they could reconnect and regain the closeness that the argument stripped them of; even if the next day they were arguing again. The last few weeks before the dreaded gameshow when the arguing had been at its worst was when the nights had started to crumble as well. Beck didn't know how you could be so physically close to someone and yet feel like they were simultaneously miles away; but that was how it had been.

Just two nights before they stood on either side of Tori's front door, they'd got into bed with a distance between them that felt as though it could have been a whole country separating them. He'd been so mad at Jade that night and she was so angry with him too; he'd been surprised she'd even bothered to stay over. They'd both lain awake for what felt like hours after the lights had been turned off, neither sure if the other one was awake or not. Then, after the second hour, Jade had carefully inched closer to Beck, swallowing her pride to hook her arm around his middle in the hope he'd mirror her action as he always did. Hoping she'd settle her head on his chest as he wrapped an arm around her middle and, for the night at least, everything would be okay; but Beck had been awake and still angry. He'd felt her movements and almost as soon as she made contact and had rolled away. Jade had jerked her arm back like she'd been burned, rejection stinging in her eyes, embedding the anger and hurt deep within her. She didn't try again. She didn't bother to return the next evening and the day after that it was all over.

* * *

Jade sat, letting the almost too hot water run down her body, almost relishing the stinging sensation as it passed over her skin. She knew she'd been in a while, but Emma had yet to say anything beyond checking she was coping. She still hated how much her energy had been drained by simply washing her hair and body, this time putting her conditioner on as well in an attempt to extend the amount of time spent under the spray. It wasn't that the shower felt truly good, but it was better than every waking hour she sat in the room, watching time pass as she waited for the next disaster to take hold.

She found she was also somewhat relieved by the distance she had from Beck, a realisation that brought with it a fair amount of guilt. She knew Beck had gone above and beyond what he needed to, and it wasn't that she was ungrateful, she was extremely grateful. Looking back, she wasn't sure how she would have coped without him there, especially if the previous evening was any indication but, she found his constant presence confusing. Her feelings were overwhelming at the best of times, and she just couldn't sort through them with him so close. She rocketed between gratitude and indignance, affection and resentfulness and the continuing guilt that was a permanent part of her shadow now. It was like they were in a limbo, miles away from the quiet coldness of the previous weeks but not back in a relationship. It felt like they were balancing atop a house of cards and Jade was just waiting for the first gust of wind to bring it all tumbling down.

Jade let her head fall back against the shower wall, exhaling as she was reminded that Beck was only a small part of her problems now. Her mother's face flashed before her eyes and Jade felt an uncomfortable tug in her stomach. She tried to redirect her thoughts, but it felt like an impossible task. She was tangibly relieved when Emma chose that moment to check she was okay. Forgoing a reply, Jade turned the water off and accepted the towel passed through the curtain. Emma had been right when she'd said the other day that the towels were not all that great but, as the roughness prickled over her skin, Jade found herself savouring the sharp tingling it brought over her sensitive skin, still pink from the heat of the shower.

When Lane entered the hospital room, he was mildly surprised to find Beck but no Jade. Beck had been sitting in the chair with his eyes shut, only reacting when he heard the door shut.

"Morning" The counsellor greeted cheerfully, although he was busy scrutinising Beck's worn appearance.

"Hi Lane"

"You're not looking so good Beck"

"Why does everyone keep saying that?" Beck's frustration bled into his tone, but it didn't faze Lane.

"Probably because it's true." He replied honestly.

Beck tried to frown in response, but it quickly gave way to a weary acceptance.

"I'm going to be with Jade most of the morning, I want you take the time to go home and have a proper rest." Lane sounded like there was no room for debate but the thought of leaving stabbed Beck with the familiar anxiety.

"It's not that bad, I'll just go and get coffee or something." He tried to brush Lane off, but the counsellor was having it.

"Nope, not happening Beck" He stated, shaking his head "You need some good quality rest, need I remind you that you're still technically a minor".

"Not for much longer"

"No" Lane conceded "But today you are, and tomorrow you will still be and as your school counsellor I have more authority over you than the hospital staff".

Lane had spent some time the previous afternoon in various meetings, including a phone call with Beck's parents and his mother had outlined that she was happy for him to tell Beck to take a step back if he thought it was necessary. Beck's parents would be back on Sunday, although Lane was somewhat surprised that one of them hadn't already rescheduled a flight to support their son.

"Jade might not want me to go" Beck tried but he knew it was a weak argument, after the previous evening when she'd pulled him up on his appearance. If Lane asked her outright, he was sure she'd tell him to go no matter what she actually wanted.

"I'm sure she will understand Beck" Lane countered, his frown now deepening "What is this really about?"

Almost immediately, Beck felt cornered.

"What do you mean? About what? Nothing's about." The words were rushed, belying the nervousness he felt.

"Why are you so reluctant to leave Jade's side?"

"I'm not reluctant" Beck regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth; an obvious lie if ever there was one. Lane fixed him with disbelieving stare.

"It's stupid, really"

"I work in a performing arts high school; I see stupid every day"

Beck sighed, trying to gather himself together.

"Jade didn't have anyone, and she nearly died"

"But she didn't" Lane pointed out, having a feeling he knew where this was going "You found her in time."

"Yeah by accident but she nearly did die, and no one would have noticed for, god knows how long"

Beck was agitated now, his hand scrubbing at his neck and he tried to quell the anxiousness as Jade's unconscious form once again swam before his eyes.

"And now it feels like-" Beck trailed off, not wanting to vocalise the thoughts that had been haunting him since he'd found Jade lying, helpless on the floor.

"It feels like something bad will happen every time you leave the room" Lane finished for him and Beck's head snapped up.

"It's a perfectly normal reaction Beck, but it is irrational and completely unfounded".

"No, it ISN'T" Beck burst out "It's happened twice now" he added, somewhat quieter as he filled with a silent shame, as this was the second time he'd yelled at the counsellor in three days. Lane stood patiently, letting Beck settle back down before continuing on.

"Your presence has no bearing on what is going on in Jade's head" he reminded his student "The episode Jade had yesterday would have happened whether or not you, I, or anyone else in this hospital had been present."

Lane walked over to the empty bed, perching on the side so he was next to Beck. Out of courtesy, Beck looked up at him and Lane felt nothing but sympathy as he saw the conflict displayed on his face.

"As I told you the other day, none of this was your fault, any more than it was hers and you've got to allow yourself some slack, you also went through a traumatic event."

Beck swallowed his reply that Jade had still been through something much worse than he had, knowing it would get him nowhere. Lane seemingly read his mind though and put a supportive hand on his shoulder.

"You need to give yourself some understanding Beck, some of the same understanding that you've been giving to Jade." He gave Beck a knowing look who nodded begrudgingly in response.

The moment was broken as the door opened and Jade returned, still gently supported by Emma's arm. Lane immediately moved from the bed to give her a clear path and Beck looked up, trying to find a smile for her.

"Good morning Jade" Lane smiled warmly

"Hi" her reply was short as her focus lingered on the boy next to him. He looked even worse in the daylight. She was so distracted she almost forgot to be irritated by Lane's presence so early in the day, she'd hoped he wouldn't come by until after lunch.

"I figured I'd come by early, so we weren't in a rush, I have some meetings on campus this afternoon"

Again, Lane had seemingly read his student's mind, but Jade barely acknowledged him as she settled back onto the bed, Emma slipping out of the room almost unnoticed. On autopilot, Beck dug out her hairbrush and held it out to her. Jade took it but her fingers lingered on his for just a second, forcing him to meet her eyes and the concern behind them. He managed a small smile, more sincere than his first attempt, trying to convey in silent communication that he really was okay. Jade was not convinced and added her growing worry to the extensive pit of emotional baggage that had taken up residence in her stomach; it made a good accompaniment to what she now termed 'Beck guilt'.

"Beck's going to go home for a rest while we talk" Lane announced and Beck fought not to roll his eyes, although he had a feeling Jade knew exactly what was going on. To Jade's surprise, she felt lighter at this new information and not the stab of anxiousness she'd been expecting.

"How long are we 'talking' for?" She finally addressed the counsellor.

"As long as we want to"

Jade raised her eyebrows and Lane winced, conceding that Jade would not be picking the timeframe for their session.

"As long as we need to" Lane amended.

"I guess I'll be going then" Beck said quietly, getting up slowly from the chair and stuffing the remainder of his things into his bag. Lane had the decency to pretend to occupy himself with his phone while Beck faffed around with his things, clearly trying to prolong his departure.

"You'll be back later?" Jade's voice sounded unusually measured but the flash of doubt crossing her face told Beck otherwise.

"Yeah, I will, promise".

This was seemingly enough to satisfy Jade who nodded from her perch, legs still dangling over the side of the bed. Beck went to leave but Jade impulsively jerked her arm as though she were about to offer either a hand hold or a hug. She pinned it back at her side when she realised Beck had no such intention, embarrassment flooding her, but neither action escaped Beck's notice. He diverged and enveloped her in a short hug before he had the chance to second guess himself, which Jade returned with her working arm. Beck took less than a second to inhale the comforting vanilla smell of her shampoo from her damp hair before withdrawing.

His movement wasn't missed by Jade, who felt strangely wrong footed by the interaction. While it was hardly the first time they'd been so close in the last few days, given that earlier that morning she'd been completely curled up in his arms but, this was the first time their embrace seemed to be more for his benefit than hers. She'd taken comfort in it, of course, despite her relief that he was going for a rest and the chance for emotional distance for her, she still needed the reassurance he'd be back; no matter how much that irritated her. Beck however, had clung to her in that hug like she was a life raft. She bit her lip as she stared at the now shut door, fresh waves of guilt and concern flooding though her at the situation.

"Do you want to tell me what you're feeling?" Lane's voice pulled her from her thoughts, and she turned her head toward him pondering his question for a moment before shaking her head.

"Okay then, for now let's leave that and start with something easier" Jade eyed him suspiciously.

"Have you had breakfast yet?"

Jade shook her head, feeling even more confused that Lane had somehow jumped from the notorious question about feelings to food.

"Do they bring you a tray? Or do I need to fetch it?" Of course, Lane knew exactly how breakfast was served, her care had been covered in the meetings with her medical team which is where he got permission for what he was about to suggest.

"A tray" Jade uttered, still somewhat confused as she struggled to identify Lane's agenda, certain he had one and disliking the powerless feeling that was accompanying her not being able to work it out. As it was, Lane was trying to see how willing Jade was to provide more than single word replies or movements of her head.

"You don't sound that enthusiastic" he noted, and Jade gave a one-armed shrug, her expression now unreadable.

"I haven't had breakfast yet, so I was going to investigate the canteen, how does that sound?" It was a small lie but a necessary one.

"How does what sound?"

"Getting out of here for some breakfast."

Jade blinked, now realising Lane was suggesting they left her room for food, albeit more hospital food but still, it was more tempting to Jade than she would have expected. In the back of her mind, she didn't want to as leaving the room meant engaging with him and, despite everything, she knew this was Lane's ultimate goal; but, a larger part of her was itching to leave again. The thought of not being stuck staring at the same depressing walls, the same stupid clock as she watched the sun track across the sky and tried not to become too stuck inside her own head.

"Jade?"

"Sure."

Lane was careful not to react but quietly regarded her agreement as a step in the right direction, albeit a small one. He kept his distance as she inched off the bed, preparing to offer his arm if required but with shaky steps Jade made it over to the wheelchair without incident. As much as she hated the humiliating device, her trips to the bathroom had only enforced that walking long distances wasn't a good idea at the moment. She ran her free hand through her now only half-damp hair, wondering what she had turned into in the last few days. Last week she never would have been seen dead in public without her hair styled and proper clothes. She looked down at her baggy sweats and frowned, they only served as a reminder of how much had changed and how awful she felt.

* * *

The canteen wasn't too busy when they arrived, with most of the people there seemingly in various hospital uniforms. They all seemed oblivious to Jade and her wheelchair while her gaze lingered from person to person, her usual scowl set on her face. Her concentration meant she was unaware that Lane was watching her closely, analysing her reaction to the other people; he kept a close eye on her hand which was a clear tell as to when she was starting to become agitated.

He moved them on, starting to help himself to variety of the foods on the buffet and hot plate.

"Jade what would you like to eat?"

No response.

"Jade?"

Her hand was barely moving but a blank look had overtaken her face; she looked a thousand miles away. Lane frowned but continued, settling on a few different choices before paying and moving them over to a table. He left her sitting as he went to get napkins and cutlery, waiting across the room to see if she would react at all and feeling somewhat disheartened when she didn't.

For Jade, it felt like a buzzing had filled her head and she couldn't get it to stop. For the fact there weren't that many people in the canteen, it was noisy and felt more claustrophobic than the garden the day before. The buzzing was drowning out the noise but only to a certain level; every scrape of a chair, every clatter of a fork seemed to be amplified in her head and Jade felt on edge, her skin regaining the itchy quality making it feel like it was crawling. She tried to take a breath, realising something heavy had settled on her chest, but it was difficult. She clamped down on the panic threatening to overwhelm her and forced herself to try again. She struggled for a moment before realising something.

Sweetness.

She could smell something sweet.

It was as though the smell was somehow cutting through the buzz, making things a little clearer. She forced air into her lungs again, this time purposefully inhaling the sweet smell, without understanding what it was. She stayed like it for a few moments, trying to keep her grasp on reality by focusing on the comforting and strangely familiar sweetness.

"Jade?"

Her head snapped up, Lane was standing in front of her, his mouth moving but she couldn't make out what he was saying. She frowned, attempting to focus on the shape his mouth was making.

"Jade? Are you with me?"

This time she heard it.

"Yeah, I think so" her words were slightly slurred, but the rest of the room seemed to be slotting back into place around her. Lane tentatively took his seat opposite her, still keeping a watchful eye as he moved the food off of the tray.

"I got a selection, I wasn't sure what you wanted."

Jade looked down at the food, noticing it for the first time. It was only then she realised they were sitting at the table. She winced as she suddenly turned back to the counter in surprise, jerking her arm in the sling but the pain was pushed aside for the confusion.

"How are we over here?" she muttered, staring at the last spot she remembered being.

"Jade?" Jade slammed her mouth shut, clamming up almost on a complete reflex; Lane would think she'd gone mad.

She turned back to the table, hoping Lane would drop it, but one look at the counsellor and she knew it was futile. Unfortunately for Jade, Lane was already one step ahead of her.

"You don't remember me wheeling you over here, do you?"

"No" Jade admitted, her voice quiet but frustrated, was she that easy to read?

"Do you know why?" Jade shook her head, no longer trusting herself to speak. Lane started buttering some toast, determined to keep a somewhat low-pressure environment.

"You're experiencing something called a dissociative episode, you feel disconnected from the environment around you, you might be feeling numb to both your surroundings and your emotions and you can lose your sense of time and place which can leave holes in your memory."

Jade stared at him in disbelief, trying to wrap her head around the fact Lane had just succinctly described what was happening inside her head when she was struggling to describe it to herself.

"It's a fairly common symptom of PTSD, essentially it's a defence mechanism for your brain; it's trying to protect itself."

Lane pushed the now buttered toast in front of Jade, watching as she tried to understand what he said.

"So, I am going mad"

The words were out of her mouth before she could stop them and Lane allowed a small smile.

"No, you're not Jade, I understand that it might feel like that but, in reality, it is your brain trying to recover and understand everything while still defending itself." Jade frowned, still somewhat confused but Lane didn't let it linger.

"Eat" he stated simply, and Jade picked up a slice of toast without thinking about it, still too distracted by what Lane had just said. She chewed on the corner of it, momentarily distracted as the buttery richness flooded her mouth; she didn't quite manage to smile but before she knew it, she had taken a second, larger bite of the toast. For the first time in a long while, food tasted noticeably good.

For his part, Lane pretended not to notice, busying himself with his scrambled egg and apple juice but he was again encouraged by her actions. Dr Griffiths had briefed him that she was hovering on the border of the underweight category, not enough that they considered it a major issue but enough that they were quietly monitoring it. They all agreed that it was likely a symptom of her disruptive home life as opposed to anything more sinister.

Jade finished the second slice of toast with ease, feeling fuller than she could remember feeling in a while; it was similar to what she felt when she was in the shower, not necessarily happy but something that wasn't as awful as every other damn feeling that seemed to cross her path.

"How do I stop it?"

"Sorry?" Her sudden question caught Lane off guard.

"The dissociating, how do I stop doing it?" Her voice was streaked with impatience.

"It's not as simple as that Jade, this is one of the things that we have to work on."

"How is talking going to help?" Jade didn't see the connection.

"It will help your brain better understand the emotions, help you deal with them better and then you should see improvement as your brain won't be so quick to check out."

Jade felt an uncomfortable twinge in her chest. The mere suggestion of talking about emotions was enough to make her unsettled. Lane saw the change in her demeanour instantly.

"We will go slowly, like I said" he tried to sound encouraging but Jade was still struggling with the idea.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small foam ball, placing it on the table between them. Jade looked at it blankly, feeling the irritation rising at his sudden cryptic action. He waited for her to question it but she stayed silent.

"This is for you"

Jade still said nothing, her anger now simmering close to the surface.

"It's a squeeze ball" Lane elaborated "You can use it to give the hospital sheets a break."

The gentle humour did nothing to calm Jade who was now glaring at the ball, almost ready to snap although she couldn't explain why.

"And you know, give your leg a break too." Lane said pointedly looking down at Jade's thigh. She followed his line of sight only to realise her nails were digging hard into her thigh and she hadn't even noticed. As she looked, she finally became aware of the sharp stinging sensation, but it still took a few more seconds before she released her flesh. Even once she did, she didn't pick up the ball.

"Do you want anything more to eat?"

Jade shook her head and Lane felt himself deflate a little as he watched her practically retreat in on herself.

"Shall we go back to your room, or would you rather stay here or wander off somewhere else?"

Jade gave a one-armed shrug again.

"Jade, I'm going to need you to use your words" Lane chided.

"I don't care" her words were taught and angry.

"Why are you angry Jade?" Lane knew why, and he had a feeling Jade knew that, but he wasn't so sure that she knew why she was angry; they had to start the conversation somewhere.

"Because I don't want to talk about this." She snapped, her nails once again finding her thigh and attracting Lane's attention. She felt a surge of shame accompanied by a frustrated anger, she ripped her hand away but not before scratching a painful line as she pulled back. She could feel her heart beating fast, she wanted to run and run now but she was stuck in the infernal chair with only one working arm.

"Okay, Jade I want you to try something" Lane was rapidly realising the situation was close to becoming out of control.

"Take a deep breath with me, we're going to count it in and then hold it"

"Do I look like I'm giving birth to you?" Jade snapped, dismissing the idea as the panic started to roll through her head; why wouldn't he leave her alone?

"Humour me" Jade glared but realised she had little choice, if she tried maybe he'd leave her alone.

He counted quietly and Jade tried to follow but the first one had her feeling like her lungs were being squashed, the urge to let the breath go was almost painful as she fought against it. She gripped the underside of her chair for the second and by the third was in something close to a pattern. At some point, Jade lost count of which breath they were on but she was feeling the tension easing somewhat. It wasn't gone as such, but it no longer felt poised to overwhelm her.

As Lane finished the final breath, Jade felt herself flood with embarrassment once again; she didn't believe him with what he said earlier, she must be losing her mind.

"How are you doing?"

Jade swallowed, gritting her teeth as she tried to get the words out.

"Better, I think"

"That's good" Lane said calmly "You can use that any time you start to feel uncomfortable, it gives you something else to focus on; same as the ball".

He picked the blue foam up and held it out; this time, Jade took it. She squeezed it experimentally, letting it depress and the expand to fill her hand. It felt sturdier than it looked, but Jade was still dubious. They sat in silence for a few minutes, letting the hustle and bustle of the canteen pick up around them. Jade started to squeeze the ball gently. This time Lane started to clear their table without consulting Jade, only checking she was happy to go at the last moment. He wheeled her out the room and down the corridors, heading for the garden. Jade kept squeezing and rolling the foam in her hand, it wasn't perfect, but it was helping her stay present.

* * *

It was only a short while later Lane parked them up in the same corner as yesterday, opposite the fountain. Jade took a cautious breath, trying to let the fresh outside air fill her lungs, but the exhale was still somewhat stilted.

"I'd like you to tell me what you were thinking about in the canteen." His tone was calm and measured. Jade fought against the knee-jerk panic response in her stomach.

"When?"

"Whichever part you think was most important."

A small part of Jade could have groaned; there was a special place in hell for 'therapist speak'.

"Come on" Again his voice was calm, just calm enough that Jade managed to convince her brain to let her mouth start talking.

"I don't really remember it clearly; I was looking at the people, but they weren't looking back and then a buzzing started; next thing I know we were at the table."

"Have you heard the buzzing before?"

"I think so, sometimes it's buzzing sometimes it's different" Jade shook her head as she tried to recall a noise that seemed just beyond her reach; something she only heard in her sleep.

"Why would that make me check out?"

"It wouldn't, what you're describing is already an episode in progress so try and think back further, what were you thinking of in your room?"

Despite herself, Jade felt her cheeks colour slightly as her thoughts immediately strayed to Beck.

"Jade?" Lane prompted.

"I was thinking about Beck, he didn't look good and he was being all weird; he's been weird all morning" she muttered, recalling his odd behaviour.

"Do you spend a lot of time thinking about Beck?" This time, Jade was certain she felt herself blush harder.

"Shouldn't we be delving into the deepest darkest secrets of my traumatic past instead of talking about an ex-boyfriend?" Jade was aiming for flippant but missed the mark slightly. Lane saw the deflection for what it was.

"We'll get to everything Jade but for now I'm interested in this morning."

"Some days I guess I do, it's confusing."

"I take it this is because you and he split several months ago?" Jade nodded.

"We hadn't really talked since then, not properly" She started squeezing the foam almost absentmindedly.

"And now he's here all the time, and he's said some stuff that doesn't make sense, not to me at least; and it's really confusing as I don't know what I'm feeling either."

Lane considered her words carefully, not wanting to pry into what it was Beck had said that was causing the confusion.

"This morning I was concerned because he looked really bad but he was acting weird; like first thing was completely different to when I went for a shower" She was almost talking to herself now, trying to make sense of it all.

"And after he left and we started off to the canteen, do you remember what you were thinking about then?"

Jade thought for a moment and then snorted.

"How a week ago I wouldn't be seen dead outside with damp hair and wearing sweats."

Despite her flippant tone, she felt a familiar tug in her stomach that she couldn't identify. She squeezed harder, more rhythmically, falling into silence as she did so. She realised once compressed, it would take the foam 4 counts to return to its original shape.

Lane watched her, joining the dots in his head and only hoping she was able to do the same. When she didn't say anything further, content to stare at the fountain, he restarted the conversation.

"So, do you think you know why your brain chose to dissociate?" He pulled Jade from her thoughts, but she was still confused.

"No"

"You've just said what you were thinking about, how things were different now"

"So, I'm deeply traumatised at the thought of having damp hair in public?" Jade asked sarcastically.

"No, it's a bit more general than that; you were thinking about how things had changed." He emphasised the last few words but Jade still wasn't understanding his meaning.

"So?"

"So, you were probably about to start thinking about the events of last Friday, which is probably off limits to your brain right now, so you removed yourself without even realising."

Jade looked at him for a moment, frowning a little.

"No, that's wrong" she stated, still squeezing the ball.

"And why do you say that?"

"Because I've thought about it before in the last few days and nothing has happened."

"But sometimes it has?"

Jade bit her lip, redirecting her gaze to the fountain.

"Yeah" she said shortly, not wanting to expand that it was exactly what she'd been thinking about when she'd had been sedated the previous afternoon. She hadn't even been able to recall what she'd been thinking about when she woke up in the morning but now it was suddenly as clear as if it had only been a few minutes since the episode.

"That is, unfortunately, one of the difficulties of PTSD, it won't always be consistent, but it is possible to learn your triggers."

"So I'm just never supposed to think about it? How do I stop thinking about it?" In theory, the idea of never thinking about the previous Friday appealed a great deal to Jade, if only she could make it so.

"No, that won't solve anything, we have to tackle both the memory and the way you feel around it."

Jade's nails nearly ripped through the foam at his words but, this time, she realised what she was doing. She looked down at her hand and the small flecks of blue now caught under her fingernails. She wasn't sure if the self-awareness was better than the blissful ignorance of before.

"We're not going to sit here and do it all today, but I think you should talk me through what you remember."

"Why?"

"Because we have to start somewhere, but just stick to facts for now, imagine you were bullet pointing it for a block through of a scene."

The metaphor caught Jade's attention, in some ways it felt wildly inappropriate but the more she thought about it, the more it made sense to try and take the emotion out. The sort of flashback the previous afternoon had been confusing, not unfolding exactly how she remembered it but it was difficult trying to think about it long enough to straighten it out in her head. She resumed playing with the foam ball before taking a breath, focusing determinedly on the noise of the fountain in-front of her and the spongy feel of the foam beneath her fingers.

"I was in my room, packing a bag when she came home" Jade started, her voice strained to disguise the tremor.

"I didn't want to see her, so I stood behind the door when she came up but then she came into my room."

Jade's hand started to shake.

"I slipped out, but she saw me I think" Jade shut her eyes and, in her mind, she heard the thud as her bag collided with the bookcase, she could practically hear her mother shouting her name.

"Jade, look at me" With great effort, Jade reopened her eyes but she stayed with them fixed on the fountain.

"You're safe here, you're just remembering, take a moment and breathe like we said"

Lane coaxed her through a few breaths, concerned at the pale shade her skin had taken on, the tremor in the hand that was now relentlessly squeezing the ball.

"Ready to continue?"

"I knocked the bookcase, that was what she heard, and she came out onto the landing."

The trickling of the fountain suddenly seemed to get louder but Jade ploughed on.

"She was high and screaming and we argued, I wanted to leave but she grabbed my arm-" Jade's voice caught and she fought against the lump in her throat, recalling the vicious words and the burning anger in her mother's eyes.

"Then she pushed me and I fell backwards, I tried to grab the rail but couldn't, next thing I knew I was waking up in a hospital bed."

Lane gave her a few moments to gather herself. He had heard the story before; however, it had been a hybrid version based on what Dr Griffiths and the friendly nurse had been told by Beck.

"Do you remember waking up?"

"Sort-of, I just remember Beck really and something that was kind of like a dream."

Again, Jade tried to reach for the memory, feeling like it was on the tip of her tongue, like it was just at the edge of her consciousness but still so far out of reach. She gave up, now too tired to care.

"Okay, that's good." Lane's tone was quietly encouraging but Jade ignored him. What could possibly be good about any of this. She may not need a nurse with a tranquiliser but she felt agitated and like she was only a hair with away from tipping over into complete panic. She tried to do the breathing but it didn't seem to have much of an effect. Suddenly everything seemed like an impossible task.

Lane saw her demeanour change and decided it was best to call it quits for now.

"I think we will leave it there for today."

Jade nodded briefly, still focused on the water droplets bouncing around the fountain.

"Shall we make our way back upstairs?"

"Can you just leave me here?"

Lane frowned.

"Jade I can't leave you here alone" he stated gently "Not like this."

"Just for a few minutes" She asked, an earnest plea in her tone. Lane met her eyes, searching for any hint of a scheme but finding nothing.

"Okay" he relented "But only while I go and fetch another drink from the canteen, and you don't leave this spot."

Jade frowned at his heavy handedness, she wasn't a child.

"What do you think I'm going to do in a wheelchair with only one working arm? Spin myself in circles into the bushes?" She tried to dial back the snark in her tone, genuinely grateful he was letting her have a few minutes but unable to let it pass without comment. Lane just gave a long-suffering sigh.

"I'll be back in a few."

Jade watched him go, feeling the smallest sense of victory as she did. She examined the foam ball in her hand, the little crescent shaped indents from her nails. She felt the urge to throw it in the fountain, just to see what happened but she resisted. Her gaze drifted up to the skys, tracking the birds that were soaring high above, evidently cruising on the air pockets. She felt a tug of jealousy for their freedom, their uncomplicated lives. Her mother's face flashed before her eyes again but Jade pushed it away. All she wanted was few minutes to pretend she was anywhere else, doing anything else than the hell she was currently living.

* * *

**So, I'm sorry this is a day later than usual, I've had a pretty awful week so half of this was written on Monday and the other half this afternoon. It is very long so I hope you all made it to the end and didn't get bored, but it didn't feel right to split it up. Next up is what Beck got up to on his trip out and where he went…. **

**Thank you to all you lovely people who have read/followed/favourited/reviewed so far, the story reached 200 this afternoon which made me quite emotional. Also, to the guest who suggested Jade use writing as a creative outlet, this is something that will happen later in the story – especially as I had the idea for this story while listening to a song! **

**Please do let me know what you thought of the chapter, it brightens my currently extremely long days!**


	25. Chapter 25

Beck flopped down onto his bed, letting his legs bounce against the top cover as he shut his eyes against the pillow. It was on the drive home when he nearly missed a red light altogether that he realised that maybe everyone had a point when they told him he looked tired; it was only lucky that the junction had been deserted at the time. Still, the tiredness wasn't quite enough to offset the unease that had settled into his stomach since leaving the hospital, but he thought maybe it was more under more control than it had been. He had to keep reminding himself that Jade wasn't alone, Lane was staying with her so, even if something did happen, at least there would be someone there.

_But what if Lane leaves before you get back?_

Beck groaned audibly into the pillow as the little voice in the back of his head piped up yet again; there was always one more thing. With great effort, he ignored it instead forcing his earlier conversation with Lane to the forefront of his thoughts, trying to give himself the breathing space that Lane had so fervently told him he needed. He knew his brain was working against him, but how could he escape from his own thoughts?

He rolled onto his side; eyes still wide open although not really focusing on the switched off television in his eye line. It was as though he was caught between feeling like he should be running a marathon and hibernating for the remainder of the year. He ended up pulling his phone out again under the guise of checking messages but there was nothing there that he hadn't seen earlier. He opened and closed apps aimlessly for a few minutes before he ventured over to the file containing his photos.

Beck loved to take photographs. Photography was one of the electives he took the previous year, but he had found something fulfilling and fascinating about photography since the first time his Uncle had let him play around with his camera during a week-long family reunion. He had a proper camera but it didn't stop him taking photos on his Pearphone as he enjoyed the challenges of producing different image compositions with a reduced camera function. He scrolled swiftly back through the images, no longer trying to maintain an internal pretence as to what he was looking for.

Jade was never really bothered with Beck's photography habit. She enjoyed looking at pictures he had taken and offering a second opinion as she very much recognised his talent behind the lens but, it was rare she would stay still long enough to be in one herself; a source of endless frustration for Beck. She didn't mind what Beck called 'one-shot wonders' when they were out doing something but she had always avoided a full-on shoot. Beck had wanted her to be the subject for his final semester project, but she'd rejected the idea before Beck had even finished his sentence.

Still, Beck was sly and while he'd had to change his idea for his semester project, he occasionally had managed to catch Jade in the right mood to snap a few photos, including the photos he was now looking at. They'd been at the back of his mind since he'd seen the one Jade had packed in her bag, the day of their coastal hike. It was one of those memories that no matter how often he looked back on it, it always seemed perfect.

It had been during semester break and Jade was already in a good mood as his trip to Canada had been postponed after something came up at his mom's work she couldn't avoid. He's been the one to suggest a hike, so they'd packed up early and driven down to Malibu to chase the ocean trails. The day had been spent walking, laughing and talking interspersed with Beck taking as many photos as he could get away with. The picture Jade had in her bag was one from a series he'd taken when they'd stopped for food, having prepared a small picnic in the morning. After eating, Jade had climbed into his arms, her back flush against his chest and, as they goofed around, Beck had taken advantage of the light mood to whip his camera out. Jade had been in such a good mood she didn't mention it at the time, and it was only later when he went to text her, he found she'd sent one of the photos to her phone at some point in the day.

Now he flicked through each one slowly, his expression hungry as he took in each one. His favourite wasn't the same one that Jade had kept for herself, instead it was a photo where neither of them were actually looking at the camera at all. To Beck, everything about that photo was perfect, so much so it physically hurt to look at it now. It had almost been an accident, taken a few seconds after he'd kissed the side of her head but there was something captivating about it. Whether it was the wide grin that seemed as though it were about to split Jade's face in two, the sparkle in her eyes as she looked at him or seeing his own expression mirroring hers so effortlessly, he wasn't sure. Hell, it could even be the way the midday sun was bouncing of their skin, giving both of them a practically golden glow. Either way, the photographer in Beck recognised it as a 'one in a million' shot, in that it needed precious little enhancement; the ex-boyfriend in Beck clung onto it as proof that they had been happy once, somehow easing his burden of guilt, if only just a little.

He carried on scrolling further back until Jade's hair was much longer and his outfits became dominated with his old leather jacket. Incidentally the jacket was one of the first items of clothing he had lost to Jade, although he agreed with her when she teased that it looked better on her anyway. Beck scrolled until his eyes started to droop without him even realising. His fingers loosened around his phone as his eyes closed, the phone falling just a few inches to land with a soft thump on the mattress as sleep finally claimed the exhausted teenager. All around the RV was starting to glow with the strong morning sunlight but Beck knew none of this as he slipped further into a much-needed sleep.

* * *

It was several hours later when Beck started to surface, slow to free himself from the thick layers of sleep that had engulfed him. The RV was bright and hot, Beck swallowed a few times in an attempt to relieve his dry mouth. It took a moment for everything to slot back into place; Jade, the hospital, Lane dismissing him. He sighed as the blissful fuzziness, that only occurs in the few seconds after waking, wore off. After checking the time and realising he still had a few hours to go before Lane would probably permit his return to the hospital, he pulled his schoolwork towards him, determined to finish at least one of the assignments he'd started.

Beck found himself more focused on the assignment he would normally, finishing it in under an hour; the realisation caused Beck to frown. He didn't particularly like Biology usually and it was one of the things that bugged him as, despite going to a performing arts school, they still had to take some core subjects. However, as his eyes skimmed over his essay, he felt a sense of satisfaction at the content and promptly emailed it to Mrs Skinner.

He checked his watch again and felt the satisfaction ebb, still too early to return but he didn't feel like any more work. Deciding it was time to get organised, he stripped off his clothes leaving a small trail behind him leading into his bathroom. Standing under the spray of the shower, he rolled his head experimentally from side to side. He found his eyes closing as he simply relished the feeling of the water and the heat, taking a step back from the craziness that now surrounded him. Inevitably, it did not take long before his thoughts turned to Jade but, for once, they were not the frantic worrying that he'd come to expect.

'_Maybe Lane was making more sense than I thought'_.

It wasn't that he wasn't worried about her, just that it was no longer a suffocating, all-encompassing worry. It felt like he suddenly had more room in his brain, more room to think and more to plan. As he started to wash his hair, he considered their friends, specifically Cat who so wanted to come and see Jade again soon. Maybe if he could convince Jade to set down a firm plan, it would give her something to focus on? Deciding he would discuss it with Lane, his thoughts turned to Jade's father and almost immediately he felt some of the tension return. He'd abandoned her again. Despite what Jade had said about it being easier than him trying to be suddenly all-involved, Beck had a sneaking suspicion that it wouldn't last long. In the small hours of the morning when he was unable to stay asleep his brain would fiercely debate who he hated more, Jade's mother or her father but he could never quite reach a decision. He had tussled with the morality of proclaiming hate on a dead person, a dead person with an addiction no less, but Beck couldn't help himself. Up until a week ago, Beck would have stated outright that he did not hate anyone, but now any such statement would be a complete lie.

His subdued mood lingered as he dried and dressed himself, distracting him enough that he had to repack his bag after throwing things in without really thinking about them. He loaded everything into his truck and was almost halfway to the hospital before he remembered he wanted to stop by Jade's house to get some other bits for her. He shook his head, trying to bring his focus back and looped around the block to head towards the hills.

* * *

The air in the house was so still it was as though the property had been empty for a much longer time than it actually had. Beck was unable to supress a shiver as he turned his back on the front door and headed for the stairs. He refused to let his gaze linger on the spot where he'd found Jade, still quietly glad that someone had been to clean up although he was no longer sure who. He'd initially assumed they had a cleaner but as his hand ran up the rail it disturbed a thin layer of dust. Frowning, Beck pushed his concerns to one side and gathered himself as he walked into Jade's room.

The room hadn't changed since he was last there, his small attempt at clearing up evident but the room still looked like it had been trashed. He started sorting out some more comfortable clothes before realising that those he picked were the last options in her closet. Deciding this was something else he might have to ask Cat to help with, he stuffed the bits into a bag. He was all ready to leave but paused in the doorway, looking back for a few seconds. The mess was bugging him, although he couldn't quite put his finger on why. Checking his watch, he dropped the bag just outside the door and rolled up his sleeves.

'It's got to be done at some point' he reasoned with himself, still somewhat confused at the urge to clear things up. He started simple, putting the sheets back onto the bed and the drawers back into the bedside table and dresser. Picking through things on the floor was more difficult, the glass was still widespread, and it wasn't the only things to have been smashed or broken. The small antique chair that Jade had often curled up in to read was now missing a leg but he managed to prop it back up, reasoning no one would be around to sit on it anyway. He painstakingly sorted through a pile of glass debris to pick up each butterfly, trying to be as delicate as possible but unfortunately several of the small insects had simply disintegrated either on the floor or in his hands. In the end, only four from her extensive collection remained in-tact. He placed them almost reverently on the side of her dresser before frowning at the glass shards still littering across the floor. Figuring he still had a little bit of time before he should be back at the hospital, he diverted to the hall and began trying the various doors until he found the cleaning closet.

Beck hauled the hoover out and dragged it back to Jade's room, sneezing several times as he stirred up dust which had settled on the machine. Once switched on, Beck began to carefully use the nozzle to start sucking up the glass and dismembered butterflies embedded into the carpet. It was a slow process as he tried to avoid accidentally hoovering up anything that he'd missed which could be salvaged; at one point he nearly lost a small necklace but spotted it just in time. He was so absorbed in his task, Beck didn't hear a car pull up the drive or the front door click as someone entered the house and made their way upstairs.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

Beck very nearly jumped out of his skin, dropping the hoover with a heavy thud and then tripping over the hose as he whirled around to face the newcomer. With a strangled yelp, he landed on the floor staring up at a glowering Mr West. Beck stared at him, struggling to catch up.

"Well?" The acerbic tone jolted Beck to life.

"I was just getting some stuff for Jade." He replied shortly, recovering quickly and remembering his dislike of the man in-front of him.

"How did you get in?" Mr West barked, and Beck's eyes narrowed at the implication hidden in his words.

"Jade gave me her key" he emphasised Jade's name, feeling a vindictive when his words clearly hit their mark, although it did little to deter Mr West.

"And you thought you'd clear up the mess you made so she didn't find out?"

"Mess I made?" Beck became indignant at the assumption "This was how I found it last Friday, I don't know what happened here."

It was the truth, while Beck had assumed that Amanda West had smashed it up at some point in a rage, Jade hadn't mentioned it explicitly, but Beck was reasonably confident she hadn't done it herself.

"I know when Jade returns it will be difficult enough without coming back to a mess so I started working on it."

Again, Beck chose his words deliberately, wanting Mr West to feel ashamed at his lack of thought for his daughter's wellbeing. With Mr West momentarily subdued, Beck pulled himself up and busied himself tidying up the hose before turning back to him.

"Why are you here?"

"I beg your pardon?" The outrage was back but Beck wasn't backing down.

"Well you haven't bothered to come by the hospital and you've barely spoken to Jade, so I don't understand why you'd be here of all places."

"I don't have to explain myself to you."

Beck raised his eyebrows before he could stop himself, the childish retort hanging in the air between them. Beck barely supressed a smirk before walking past Mr West with the hoover, barely restraining himself from jostling the man and his several hundred-dollar suit with it. He returned to the room, noticing Mr West had now walked over to the window and was busy tapping away on his phone. Beck paused, it somehow felt wrong leaving this man, who was pretty much a stranger to Jade, in the middle of a room filled with her personal things.

"Are you planning to visit Jade soon?"

The words slipped out before he could stop them, and Mr West froze almost imperceptibly before recovering.

"That's nothing to do with you."

"Actually, it's everything to do with me. You see while you've spent years ignoring your daughter, I'm the one who was busy getting to know her, I'm the one she trusts or have you forgotten I'm her emergency contact and next of kin?" Beck had reached his limit with Johnathan West, he was furious at the callous way he treated Jade while all the time acting as though he had the moral high ground.

"The fact is they nearly called social services because you weren't around and given the level of neglect from her mother that you missed, I'm willing to bet it isn't off the table just yet."

"You dare to speak to me-"

"Don't even try it" Beck cut across him, countering Mr West's raised tone with one of a measure calm, designed to infuriate the recipient. "You know what's really sad? When you brushed Jade off with a text message, she actually turned to me and said she was relieved."

Mr West's mouth parted slightly, this time having no recourse.

"Can you imagine that?" Beck chuckled although there was nothing remotely humorous about the situation. "She is so far removed from her own father, you fucked up the relationship so badly she actually finds it easier when you're not around because she doesn't know how to deal with you, her own father."

Beck stooped to pick up the bag.

"I honestly don't know how you live with yourself."

Beck tried to resist the urge to run back down the stairs, adrenaline pumping through him as he replayed the conversation in his head. He was halfway down the drive when the first twinge that he might have pushed it too far arrived, but he pushed it to one side and set off to the hospital.

* * *

Johnathan West stood very still, his only movement triggered by the shallow breaths in and out. The words of his daughter's boyfriend were ringing in his ears despite the fact he had left almost five minutes before. The buzzing of his phone jolted him back to awareness, he looked down, half thinking it would be Jade only to see it was his secretary. He considered letting it go to voicemail but shook himself out of it and answered. He paced around the room as he listened to Carol bring him up to speed on their latest case, the next meeting he had to be at after lunch, the various details that had been uncovered. Mr West found himself making all the right noises but the details seemed to be slipping past him. As he paced the small cleared area, he started to really take in the room. The dark colour scheme didn't surprise him but the subtle details did, the small painted patterns up the wall behind the bed looked like they'd been done free-hand. The small pile of butterflies on the dresser made him pause. He picked one up cautiously, as though it may strike at any moment; it took a few seconds for him to connect the dots to the remainder of the glass and bits of wood that hadn't yet been cleared.

"Mr West?"

"What?" he snapped as Carol's voice pulled him from his thoughts.

"I asked if you were happy with the outline?" Carol's reply was hesitant.

"Of course I am, why you all need me to hold your hand I've no idea." He hung up, angry at being caught unaware and dropped the butterfly somewhat carelessly back onto the dresser.

He stalked out of Jade's room and back to the foyer before pausing again, this time considering his contacts list carefully. In an impulsive move, he hit the call button next to Jade's name.

It rang once, twice, three times. He felt his palms suddenly sweat.

Four times, five times, six.

He cursed as the phone passed onto the generic voicemail and hung up. He felt anger spike again; how was he supposed to help her if she wouldn't let him?

He jumped as his phone buzzed, heart in mouth as he expected to see his daughter's name pop up only to be disappointed once again as he saw Carol had emailed the details of his next meeting. He gritted his teeth and left the house, being sure to slam the door on his exit.

* * *

After Lane had returned to end Jade's requested 'alone time' they hadn't stayed in the garden much longer. Jade found she was still tiring easily which Lane had told her was linked to her PTSD episode the previous day. They'd gone back to the room and Jade had sat while Lane had explained the difference between the PTSD flashback and a panic attack; the fact she was dealing with both was not a welcome discovery.

Much to her relief, Lane hadn't pushed any further on the 'talking about your feelings' front, instead he kept things light and impersonal by recommending some other breathing techniques and a 'brain space' exercise that might help her fall asleep. Jade was sceptical but strangely not willing to dismiss his advice on principle, deciding anything was worth a shot at least once.

Lane stayed with her while lunch was served, and he switched counsellor mode off almost completely, wittering on about various happenings at school instead. Jade wasn't stupid though, she noticed she was being watched carefully but she didn't bother to address it as she was more focused on trying to get the food into her.

Jade had realised that there was no way the hospital would let her go until they were happy she was eating and drinking normally and Jade didn't want to be in that building a minute longer than she had to; although she had been desperately shoving thoughts of where she would be going when she left from her mind. Luckily, lunch was a half-decent tomato soup with bread which was somewhat easier to stomach than the unappetising 'stews' which had dominated the menu during her stay so far.

She tuned out most of what Lane was saying, instead her mind noting that Beck hadn't returned. It was odd, she concluded, as she had half expected Beck to already be back in the room by the time they returned.

"You can go if you need to, you don't have to stay." Jade had noticed Lane had suddenly started paying close attention to the clock.

"It's fine I have a little more time." It was true but he didn't have that long before he needed to be across town and back at school. Lane was conflicted as he didn't want to leave before Beck returned for both Jade and Beck's sake. While he was reasonably confident a nurse could take his place without angering Jade too much, part of his method for handling Beck's anxieties depended on the boy trusting him; Lane didn't think Beck would take kindly to leaving before he returned.

A quiet buzzing broke the silence as they both stared at the source, Jade's phone was lighting up.

_Incoming call: Johnathan W. _

Jade stared at her phone almost not believing what she was seeing; she couldn't remember the last time her father had called her. Lane watched Jade closely, concerned as her face paled and took on a tight expression. Her hand had reached for the newly acquired squeezy ball on a reflex.

"Jade, do you want to answer that?" He kept his voice purposefully calm.

"I don't think so" Jade's voice was barely above a whisper, but he could see the redness in her fingers as she grasped the ball tightly.

"Okay, would you like me to answer it?"

Jade didn't respond immediately, watching the phone move down the sheet under its buzz. It stopped ringing before she could answer.

"Jade, why didn't you want to answer the phone?"

"I don't want to talk to him"

"Do you know why?"

"I just don't" Jade was agitated now but Lane wanted her to focus.

"And that's fine, but you must have a reason?"

"He said he was too busy" Bitterness seeped into Jade's voice, a fact which Lane identified almost immediately and made him pause before he asked his next question.

"When did he say that?"

"Yesterday"

"He came to see you?"

"He texted me"

Lane considered this information, trying to build on the narrative he'd pieced together so far.

"Isn't this a positive step then?" he questioned although, in his heart of hearts, he knew it couldn't be that simple.

"He doesn't actually want to talk to me"

"What makes you say that?"

"On Monday he acted like he wanted to be involved then barely 24 hours later he's too busy and now he wants to talk? He's just trying to save face." This time there was no masking the bitterness.

"Wouldn't it be better to give him a chance to explain? This is going to be difficult for him to."

It was one of those times when Lane didn't want to be a counsellor, in that moment he wanted to be a parental figure as he did not agree with what he was saying but, he had to present it as an option. As it was, it was received about as well as he was expecting.

"If he wanted to be involved, there were eight years he could have chosen to be a father. He wasn't interested then, and he isn't now."

"He is your legal guardian"

"I don't give a shit."

Lane backed off; aware he was risking losing Jade's fragile trust in him.

"Would you be okay with me acting as an in-between, so you don't have to talk to him just yet?"

Jade considered it for a moment before talking.

"I thought medical information was private"

"To some extent it is, but you aren't an adult so while I wouldn't tell him about the content of these session, I am legally obliged to inform him as to your well-being."

Jade went quiet, refusing to look at him as she continued to punish the soft foam in her hand.

"Would it be easier if I first discuss with you what I'm going to tell him?" Lane offered the olive branch, hoping it would be enough to get Jade on side.

"Would I be able to stop you from telling him something?"

"Not on principle, but if you have a reason then yes, we can discuss it."

Jade knew it wasn't a hard yes but she couldn't see what other option she had. Once again, the control was being taken out of her hands but at least this way she'd wouldn't be in the dark. She nodded her final agreement to Lane who, she noticed, seemed to visibly deflate at her gesture.

"I'm not returning the call."

"I will call him this afternoon and tell him that we've had our first session; there's nothing else for me to say at this stage" He reassured her.

Jade's scowl didn't disappear but some of the colour was trickling back into her face. Silence fell again and Lane realised he couldn't wait much longer but just as he was about to rise to get a nurse, the door opened to reveal a slightly flushed Beck.

"Hey" he greeted, carrying both bags over to the bed and depositing them with slightly more force than necessary.

"Ah good, you're just in time Beck as I've got to get back to campus."

"And apparently I'm too unstable to be left alone" Jade retorted, unimpressed at the path of events and Lane's seeming admission that he'd only been staying until Beck returned to watch her. Beck shot the counsellor a worried look, but Lane shook his head slightly.

"That isn't why Jade"

"Well why then?" Jade growled, feeling her temper start to flare.

"It's my fault" Beck interjected, knowing all too well where the conversation would end up if he didn't. Jade looked at him, her anger temporarily replaced with confusion.

"I was worried about you being on your own while I went home, so Lane compromised by staying until I got back" he shot a look at the counsellor who nodded. It hadn't been agreed between them, but Beck had realised Lane had intended to stay until he returned.

Jade found her confusion rapidly giving way to her earlier anger, although it was now directed at both of them.

"So, you've both had a conversation between you and decided that I'm too fucked up to be left alone, well, _thanks_ for letting me know!"

"Jade it's not like that" Lane started but Beck felt his own temper start to simmer.

"Oh, I'm sorry, have I been in a different room for the last few days or wasn't it just yesterday you had to be sedated in the middle of the afternoon?"

Jade jerked backwards like she'd been slapped.

"Beck" Lane warned but Jade suddenly retaliated.

"Well I'm sorry I'm such a fucking burden to you Beck but I thought you wanted to be involved. Please feel free to use the fucking door."

"Alright, both of you CALM down" Lane cut across the both of them, stepping in-between Beck and the bed.

"Jade, no, you do not legally have to have someone with you the entire time, although I certainly wouldn't recommend you spending long stints on your own right now" Lane fixed her with a firm look "Earlier was different as we had just completed a session, regardless I didn't want to just leave before Beck was back for another reason"

"What other reason?" Jade's frustration was clear.

"Beck?" Lane prompted.

"I didn't want you to be on your own" Beck mumbled.

"So you've said, and you somehow think that's your choice?" Jade's eyes flashed and Lane now fixed Beck with a look.

"Well, no, but, oh just forget it."

Jade's eyes narrowed, she still felt as though she wasn't getting a straight answer out of either of them. What was going on? Beck stared resolutely at the floor.

"Right, I now have to go so Jade I will be back for our next session in the morning. I'll do as I said regarding your father; if something comes up I'll let you know."

Jade half nodded, still focused on Beck's uncommunicative form.

"Beck, walk with me?" Lane held out his arm, indicating Beck should leave first and he followed him out.

* * *

"Beck you should be honest with Jade" Lane wasted no time, speaking almost as soon as the door had shut behind them.

"No, she doesn't need to deal with this right now, not with everything else; anyway, it's not even a big deal" Beck's attempt to minimise the situation fell flat.

"Beck, Jade is dealing with it whether you want it or not, the difference is she doesn't know what it is she'd having to deal with from you which is probably making it worse."

Guilt flooded Beck. It seemed no matter what he did, he kept making things more difficult for her despite the promises he'd made to himself. Lane noticed his change in demeanour but wasn't finished yet.

"Tempers flare, and that's okay occasionally but that can't happen again; it won't do you any good and it certainly won't help Jade."

"I wish I could take it back"

"Well, you can't so a better use of your time would be actually discussing things with Jade" Lane said pointedly "Anyway, I really do have to go now; talk to her Beck."

And with that, Lane was hurrying off down the corridor.

Beck ran both hands through his hair, taking a deep breath before pushing the door back open.

* * *

**Sorry I've left it on a bit of a cliff hanger but it works out best. I hope you enjoyed reading this - Consider this a birthday update as it's my birthday today. **

**There is a lot coming up for both Jade and Beck in the next two chapters but they're battling their demons and Jade especially is trying to find the way forward. **

**As always, all mistakes are my own. Please feel free to drop me a review and let me know what you thought. **


	26. Chapter 26

Jade barely moved after Lane and Beck departed. At any other time, Jade would have been straining to eavesdrop on the conversation, as clearly, she was being discussed. However, after the argument with Beck off the back of her father's attempted phone call, Jade was all too aware of the tightness in her chest. Her skin was starting to crawl and the sense of impending doom had returned which, after Lane's discussion, Jade was aware were symptoms of a panic attack.

'_I need to get a fucking grip, this is ridiculous.'_

Unfortunately, no matter what she told herself, the panic continued to grow. She shot a glance towards the door, torn between the urge to be alone and wanting to scream just so someone would hear. After Beck's outburst, wanting to be alone seemed to win the war; after all, wasn't she just proving his point now?

She tore her gaze away, now focusing on the bed as she tried to regain control. She hated feeling like this, hated feeling completely powerless. As she started to shake, a feeling of despair filled her at the seemingly hopeless situation. In a last-ditch attempt Jade shut her eyes, willing herself to calm down as her brain fought against her. In her mind she could see her father, angry and shouting although she couldn't hear the words at all. She felt a sharp pain as her nails eclipsed the foam ball and dug into her palm instead, providing a moment of lucidness amongst the chaos. Lane's earlier advice on breathing was suddenly pushed to the forefront of her mind and Jade found herself following it.

_In for three, hold for three. _

At first it felt like she was suffocating, but Jade was strangely okay with that.

_Out for four. _

Her first attempt had little effect, but she tried again, nails now digging back into the ball in earnest.

_In for three, hold for three, out for four. _

The second set didn't seem to make much difference either at first, but Jade realised her father was no longer so clear in her mind; easier to ignore and push away. The weight was still settled on her chest, but Jade pushed through.

_In, hold, out; In, hold, out. _

She felt some semblance of control return to her, there was a strange comfort in the rhythmic repetition of her breaths. Her eyes were still shut but no longer squeezed tight. As she continued to regulate her breathing, she found herself imagining a breezy cliff face that looked over a cerulean blue sea. There was a strange sense of déjà vu, but Jade wasn't sure why.

_In, hold, out; in, hold, out. _

The sea was choppy, white froth churning in the tall waves as the smashed into the base of the cliff. The image was so sharp that Jade was almost certain she should be able to hear them; it was like watching a television on mute.

All at once, the image started to fade, and it was gone before Jade was even fully aware of it. Jade sat still; eyes still shut trying to take stock of what she was feeling; a routine she was starting to dread. The weight was still sitting on her chest, but it had lessened considerably. The growing dread also wasn't gone but it felt much further away, and Jade felt as though she could ignore it if she tried hard enough. She swallowed apprehensively before letting her eyes open. The room was still the same bright, clinical space, a million miles away from the seascape she had just been confronted with. Even now as Jade tried to recall the image it slipped away; it was like trying to hold smoke in her hands. Jade frowned as she struggled to remember the elusive landscape, no longer certain she had actually imagined anything at all, but her concentration was broken as Beck re-entered the room.

She looked up but instantly regretted it when she saw Beck; after his words to her not ten minutes ago she wasn't in the mood to talk to him. Despite all the conversations they'd had in the last few days, him knowing she didn't want to be pitied, he apparently hadn't been listening. She looked away, choosing to stare pointedly out of the window in the hope he'd get the hint.

Beck on the other hand, felt ashamed. He was furious with himself for losing his temper like that, and even more so for what he had said. His shirt collar suddenly felt too tight as he wondered whether he'd blown it completely with Jade, whether she'd ever trust him again now. Lane had told him he needed to explain himself to her, but Beck was afraid that was just dumping more baggage into Jade's lap; god knows she had enough there already.

He expected her to reject him but her refusal to even look at him still hurt. He jammed his hands into his pockets, letting them play with the lining as he stood awkwardly off to the side, not wanting to approach the bed just yet.

"Jade, can we talk?"

"No."

Beck was taken aback, having been expecting the silent treatment but her outright rejection caught him by surprise.

"Please." Beck wasn't above begging, he was now desperate for her to understand. This time Jade surprised both him and herself by looking directly at him, a glare fixed on her face.

"I don't have anything to say to you."

"Then just let me do the talking." he pleaded but Jade's anger was back and rising.

"Why should I? So you can tell me how unhappy you are? Or maybe a lecture on how I'm so screwed up again?"

"I didn't mean it like that, and you know it" Beck heard his own voice raise, frustration getting the better of him.

"Actually Beck, no I don't. You've sat here for days supposedly being supportive but now apparently I'm some burden, nothing more than a child you have to look after."

Jade furiously ignored the way her voice caught, still too angry to let the hurt show more than it had to.

"It's not like that" Beck was insistent.

"Then what is it like?"

The gauntlet had been thrown; Beck only had to take up the challenge. He exhaled, now approaching the bed but not yet sitting; it felt too familiar given the fight they were having.

"It's not that I'm worried about you, I mean I am, but it's not why I didn't want you to be on your own, or at least not all of it." Beck was well aware he was rambling and certainly not making himself clear, if the deep-set glare on Jade's face was anything to go by.

"I guess I've just been struggling since I found you, as it seems like every time I do leave something bad happens to you and I know it's in my head but it's just, it's difficult" he trailed off, suddenly paying close attention to the corner of the bed frame.

Jade's expression lessened ever so slightly as she looked at him, but she stayed quiet.

"I didn't want to tell you because it wasn't your problem and you've already got so much to deal with, it just didn't seem right."

Beck finally looked up to meet Jade's gaze, willing her to understand what he was saying. Jade didn't move to say anything, still chewing over what he'd said but Beck couldn't stand the silence.

"Please say something."

"You are such a hypocrite."

Whatever Beck was expecting Jade to say, it wasn't that.

"What?"

"How many times have you insisted I tell you something private, that I be honest with you about everything?"

"I never asked-" Beck started but paused as he realised there was some truth to her words.

"You made a point of telling me how hurt you were when I didn't tell you about my mother"

"That's not the same thing"

"Isn't it?"

"Not even close, your mother was an abusive drug addict who apparently made your life hell and you never even _thought_ to tell me, not once in over two years together!" Beck had intended on remaining calm, but he was rapidly losing the battle as his frustrations bubbled to the surface.

"I did think" The words escaped Jade's mouth before she could stop them, her face coloured slightly.

"What?" Beck's frustration quickly gave way to momentary confusion.

"I mean, I did think about telling you" Jade mumbled, and her hand quickly found the foam ball, but she refused to look away.

"I came close a few times, but-"

"But what?"

As Jade failed to finish the sentence, Beck's frustration returned.

"What was it Jade? Didn't you trust me? Did you think I wouldn't care? Was our relationship that bad and I just didn't notice?"

Jade shook her head slowly, trying to work it out in her own mind as much as Beck was.

"It wasn't that, at least I don't think it was"

"You don't think it was?" Jade's eyes narrowed.

"Fuck off Beck, you're not the only person this is difficult for."

Jade's words had the intended effect as Beck winced, realising the anger was getting the better of him. He took a calming breath and moved himself onto the end of the bed; Jade didn't protest.

"I'm sorry." He offered.

"I'm sorry too." Jade's voice was quieter, but she still didn't look away; if they were going to do this now, they were going to do it properly.

"I need you to understand that whatever reasons I had for not telling you, they weren't anything to do with you. I'm still trying to figure out why exactly but all I know is what we had was safe and I didn't want to ruin it" Jade shook her head "Although that didn't exactly work in the long run anyway." She muttered as an aside.

Beck watched her, slightly in awe of her composure given that supposedly she should be the one who was emotionally unstable given her current condition.

"It doesn't change the fact you're still using a double standard when it comes to me though."

Now it was Beck's turn to frown, were they really back to this again?

"Don't look at me like that, you wanted to talk so here it is; you held and still hold me to a higher standard than you hold yourself and its suffocating."

"That's not true." Beck started to protest but Jade cut him off.

"Yes, it is, how many times when we were going out did you flirt or intentionally make me jealous and then act like I was unreasonable when I got angry about it?"

"That's not fair, you knew I was only teasing"

"In the beginning I did, but you never stopped, and you never seemed to care when it crossed the line from being funny to hurtful."

"You never said anything? If this is about Tori-" Jade nearly rolled her eyes.

"No, it's not, I mean yes it's about her but no more than it's about Alyssa Vaughan, or Meredith or any of the fucking others."

Beck's head was swimming, it had started as good natured ribbing when Jade had early on pointed out she thought he was too good looking for his own good. She'd been the one that had held off going exclusive, he'd been the one who chased her; he'd always taken the jealousy as a sign of affection, sometimes it felt like the only time he could get a read on her feelings. He felt guilty because, as time had gone on, he had sometimes done it to intentionally rile her up, to get at her when he thought she was being unfair or difficult.

"I guess sometimes it felt like the only way to know what you were feeling, you'd put these walls up and it was like you were there, but you weren't at the same time."

Jade felt her own guilt stabbing at her, she knew exactly what Beck was referring to, the emotional distance she used as a shield from her parents invaded other parts of her life indiscriminately. It had sometimes felt as though her relationship with Beck was a box ticking exercise. Go over to the RV, sit on the couch and make out, cuddle up and watch a film, wait for him to fall asleep and pray that she could do the same. It wasn't that she hated doing those things, it was just that she couldn't always take the same amount of joy in them that she should have, that she wanted to. It didn't make Beck's arms any less comforting but for some reason she'd hold herself back from actually feeling it.

"You're right though, sometimes I did do it to get at you and I'm ashamed now I look back on it. I'm still furious I never pushed further when I could see something was wrong, that I never realised what was going on."

"You shouldn't be." Again, Jade had managed to surprise him. "I don't think I ever would have told you."

It was strange how words could be so hurtful and yet strangely comforting at the same time. A quiet settled between the two, and although it was not wholly comfortable, neither of them wanted to be the first to break it.

Jade couldn't quite untangle her feelings, but for once it wasn't frustrating her. She felt a vindication that she hadn't been the only one sabotaging their relationship, however unintentionally. The aura of perfection that had always surrounded Beck in her eyes, the feeling that he was a goodness she could never measure up to was gone with his admission of sometimes flirting to provoke a reaction. While she'd accused him of it in their fights, thought about it into the early hours of mornings when she should have been sleeping, it was only now she realised that it wasn't actually fair of him. Before it had always been twisted in her mind, a reminder that she was screwed up, but Beck had somehow cleansed her of that blame now. His admission should have made her angry but the freedom it brought with it far outweighed any anger. For the first time she was realising that Beck wasn't perfect.

She looked at him, and really looked this time. She could see the distress plainly written across his face, his slightly hunched shoulders and the intermittent twitch of his left leg. She nudged him gently with her foot, determined to pull him from his mind as she knew only too well how horrible it was to be trapped there.

"What are you thinking?" It felt strange to Jade, for her to finally be the one to ask that question as opposed to being on the receiving end.

"Why does this feel like the first honest conversation we've ever had?"

It was as though cold water had been poured on Jade's recent calm, her insides churned as the implications of Beck's simple question sunk in. Was this really the first time they had been honest with each other? She fought the urge to lash out and fought it hard.

"I think it might be the most honest we've been in a while." Jade said slowly "But I didn't spend two years lying to you."

Beck held off pointing out that actually she had, even if it was a lie of omission; he knew she meant it more broadly. Doubt still crept in, had she loved him the same way he loved her? The same way he still loved her?

"Me neither." Beck's voice was so quiet, the distant noise from the corridor nearly drowned it out, but Jade didn't miss it.

"I guess our relationship was more screwed up than we thought."

"But we had good times though?" It was meant as a statement but ended up as more of a question, a plea from Beck to Jade for confirmation that it hadn't all been bad.

"Of course, we did." Jade regarded him with confusion; how could he think there was no good in their relationship? She saw some of the tension instantly leave his upper body, his face noticeably relaxed and Jade felt overcome with a nostalgic longing for the people they'd once been. It hadn't been perfect, but it had been them and she needed him to understand that.

"Beck, our relationship was sometimes the only good thing I had in my life."

Beck supposed he should have felt warmed by her statement, comforted and maybe even reassured, but it fell short.

"But that's not even a good thing!"

Jade bit her lip as Beck's slightly anguished retort hit home; he was right. Dr Williamson's words rang out in her mind, the accusation of dependency still fresh but this time Jade didn't even feel like she could deny it. There were so many times when she'd been dependent on Beck for her happiness, more times than she could count. A relationship should be something that adds to your life, it shouldn't be the sole determination of your happiness. Jade's chest felt tight.

"I guess the shrink was right about one thing then."

Beck's head snapped up, having been focused on counting creases in the sheets beneath him to distract from the weight of the conversation. Jade looked how he felt, as though a veil was being lifted and the past pulled out from under them. Yet, despite what they were both saying, Beck couldn't help but fight back.

"But, it's like you said we did have good times, we had a lot of them." The memory of the coastal walk was still at the forefront of his mind, but it was hardly an isolated occurrence. He had so many memories of movie nights, long walks, lunches and dinners, lazy days tucked up in the RV when they'd order food in and pretend that nothing existed outside the metal box.

"We did but I think I became too dependent on you for everything and that's when the fighting got worse." Jade admitted quietly, trying to fight the burning in her cheeks as she circled back to the feeling that this was all down to her. The meaning behind her words didn't go unnoticed by Beck for one second.

"Yeah, well, you weren't alone in that." Jade looked up at him, her eyes narrowed in blatant disbelief.

"After we broke up, I realised just how much time we spent with each other, how much I depended on you for most of my social interaction, my days felt so empty, but I couldn't remember how to fill them." Beck was almost musing more to himself now than to Jade, but Jade was paying rapt attention nonetheless, this was a whole different side to Beck than she'd seen before.

"Even when we were fighting I'd use it as an outlet, more than once I would take other stress out on you because I knew you'd fight back; I don't even think I knew what I was doing until I didn't have it anymore, until I didn't have you anymore."

Jade nearly cracked a dry joke about using your girlfriend for stress relief but realised it really wasn't the time, the impulse driven more by her discomfort at the situation than any real want of humour. Beck wiped his hands down his face, meeting her eyes once again.

"God this is such a mess."

Jade was no longer sure exactly what he was referring to, as a 'mess' was applicable to a plethora of situations including the present and their past relationship. She stayed quiet, content to watch him again while they both contemplated the next move. Where did they go from here?

Beck's mind was tying itself in knots unsure whether Jade's silence was a good or bad sign. The conversation they were having had been strangely cathartic at times, but it didn't feel finished yet, and that filled Beck with anxiety. He felt as though they were walking a tightrope and one false move would destroy everything, if there even was anything left to destroy at this point. God, Beck hoped there was. A surge of desperation shot through him; he wanted to fix this, he wanted both of them to fix this.

"How have you been since we broke up?"

His question may as well have come with a warning siren, he practically saw Jade's walls go up in defence.

"I'm not asking to make you uncomfortable and I get it seems like a stupid question with your mother and everything but, truth is, I want to know if it's been like it has for me." Beck ploughed ahead, deciding if this was the only time, they were going to have this conversation, he may as well through everything on the table.

"Because since we broke up, it's felt like there's been a massive Jade shaped hole in my life and, even after I started trying to get things back together, my life just isn't the same without you in it."

He didn't let her continued silence deter him, now holding her gaze with a half-smile on his face. For once the words came as easy as those he'd memorise from a script, only this time they came straight from his him without any effort.

"They always say teenagers don't know what real love is, that you have crushes and in ten years you will barely remember their name but I don't agree because I know I love you Jade and nothing is ever going to change that."

Jade's felt light-headed but, for once, it wasn't a panic attack or PTSD episode, simply the complete unexpectedness of the words currently pouring out of Beck's mouth. There was no trace of deception or hesitation in his face, only an unwavering gaze that was impossible for her to look away from.

"All this time apart may have shown that we had issues, that we need to work on things but really it's shown me that just because I can function without you, it doesn't mean I want to."

Jade kept her mouth shut, resisting the urge to respond in kind. It was so tempting. Jade knew how much she missed him and his presence in her life, but hadn't they just rehashed every reason why it didn't work between them? The longing in her stomach had taken on a life of its own, becoming a painful ache that only made her want to give in even more. Beck was looking at her with such hope in his eyes she had to tear her own eyes away just to keep herself in check.

"Beck it didn't work." Her voice was once again quiet, her tone resolute.

"No, it didn't." His response was honest, but Beck wasn't giving up that easily. "But that was then, this is now; don't you want to start over? Don't you still have feelings for me too?"

Doubt had crept into his tone and Jade met his eyes again, wanting to convey her feelings without having to say anything. That was the kind of couple telepathy they had excelled at in their relationship but now it wasn't good enough.

"But what if we just end up here again?"

"Then we try again, or we call it a day knowing we tried but I don't think we will Jade."

"I just don't think I can take anyone else leaving." Her voice was barely above a whisper, catching as she admitted the truth to both Beck and herself for the first time, her ultimate fear. Beck wasted no time taking her free hand in his, squeezy ball and all.

"I can't promise that no one else will ever leave, but I promise I will do everything in my power to make sure I'm not one of them."

He could see it in her eyes, the flash of emotion when he knew she believed him, that she was with him.

"Okay."

"Okay?" Beck's face split into a wide grin before he could stop it, a complimentary accompaniment to the butterflies that had formed in his stomach. Jade squeezed his hands lightly and he wasted no time in squeezing back. He shifted himself down the bed to envelope her in a hug. While they'd shared several embraces in the past days this one felt different, there was no hesitation and it was like they slotted together like pieces of a puzzle. Beck inhaled the faint smell of Jade's shampoo, the comforting scent wrapping around him in the embrace like a warm welcome home. Jade held him tight, simply enjoying the feeling of being held without the niggling doubts in her head; she was sure they would return before long but for those few precious minutes she let herself be.

Eventually Beck pulled back and went to drop a kiss onto Jade's cheek but she turned her head at the last minute, letting his lips meet hers. It was brief but after his momentary surprise Beck felt his eyes flicker shut of their own accord. He'd missed Jade.

Jade was somewhat disappointed when relief didn't immediately flood her body at the contact. There was no fairy-tale resolution as they reconciled, simply a brief feeling of something nice that melted into the background soon after the action ended. She wanted to hold onto the fleeting feeling, but it was gone as quickly as it came; an apt reminder that she was far from being out of the woods just yet.

Beck settled her more fully into his arms, a mirror of their early morning embrace, and Jade tried to relax into it but couldn't quite manage it. She shuffled slightly, trying to will away the intrusive thoughts that had taken the opportunity to restart their assault on her psyche.

"I can hear you thinking, you know." Beck's voice broke the silence, but he didn't loosen his hold on her.

"This doesn't feel right."

'_Well that didn't take long_.' Beck's stomach sunk as Jade spoke. He'd been expecting Jade to waver at some point, to question their decision further but not barely five minutes after they'd made it. He fought the rising panic inside and kept still, as though he were trying not to spook a frightened animal.

"What doesn't feel right?"

"My mother just died, I nearly died, but a few days on and I'm getting back together with my ex; fucking hell I'm so screwed up."

"No, you're not." Beck insisted "Jade there isn't a rule book, you can't prioritise your feelings, that's just not how it works."

"Well it damn well should work like that; I mean what does that even say about me?"

She pulled away from Beck, suddenly feeling suffocated. Beck let her go without complaint but didn't move from the bed. Her insecurities that had arisen earlier with Lane were back in full force; why had Beck become the focal point in a bunch of issues that had almost nothing to do with him?

"I don't know what you think it says about you but, to me, it just seems as though you're processing things as best you can."

Beck was cautious but he didn't want Jade to work herself into another panic attack; she needed a break. Jade seemed to digest his words, still agitated but more in control as the foam ball took another beating.

"Don't beat yourself up over feelings Jade."

Jade was momentarily startled as Beck saw right through her, like he always had done. She tried not to get angry, but did he think she liked this?

"I'm not trying to lecture you, I wish I could make it all go away for you."

Jade felt the anger melt away in the somewhat frustrating way Beck always managed to achieve when he wanted to. Jade slumped slightly, the exhaustion of the days activities finally setting in and she was embarrassed as she realised how little control she seemed to have over her emotions. Once again, Beck seemed to know just what to do as he pulled her back into a loose embrace, allowing her space and comfort in equal measure. He rustled around clumsily with his free arm that was dangling over the edge of the bed until he found the paperback he'd been reaching for. He positioned it into his lap and flipped to the page with the slightly bent corner.

"Don't judge, I didn't bring a bookmark." He knew Jade considered bending corners of pages to be sacrilege which Beck didn't understand as her books all tended to have marks on the spine where they'd been read so many times; the one time he'd pointed this out had not ended well so Beck just fondly accepted the ridiculousness of it all. The absence of a tut, disapproving scowl or even a frown only served as a reminder that things were far from normal, but Beck had a renewed sense of purpose. He shifted again and Jade instinctively pillowed her head on his shoulder, eyes shut as Beck started to read about the strange happenings surrounding Dr Hyde.

**Well there it is, it was time for 'the talk'. Ironically this is one of the shorter chapters I've written but has taken the longest as the conversation was written (and re-written) so many times. **

**Thanks for still being with me 26 chapters deep (I genuinely never saw it being this long!). Time is going to pick up a bit in the next chapter and some more important bits are planned. Hope you enjoyed reading :)**


	27. Chapter 27

Each day had slipped into a steady routine with little fanfare and before she really knew it the weekend had arrived and then almost completely passed her by. Lane had continued to visit each day, and even that followed the same format as his first; they'd go for breakfast and then to the garden where they'd sit for undetermined amount of time while he tried to guide Jade through her thoughts. Jade wasn't convinced she was making much progress, she felt no more comfortable now after five sessions than she had during the first one. After Lane was finished with her it was back to the room for lunch and at some point, Beck would return and sit with her; that was part of the new agreement between Lane, Beck and Beck's mother, Beck had to go home for proper rest at least once a day. His mother would have preferred it if he would go home in the evenings but Beck had flat out refused, a fact for which Jade was immeasurably grateful.

Jade had started waking up several times a night, sometimes in a panic, sometimes not, but always unable to get back to sleep easily. Beck would always try to stay up with her, to calm her and get her out of her head. He'd help her through one of the exercises Lane had taught her and be there to hold her as her breathing evened out, but her mind refused to let her go. She'd only had one more PTSD episode since the first, although she had managed to avoid sedation this time by pure force of will as she fought for control over her mind. It had been exhausting and she'd spent much of the Friday afternoon falling in and out of a broken sleep, irritable at whoever walked into the room. Beck had taken it all in his stride simply keeping quiet and doing his schoolwork, providing a presence without an annoyance, a no strings attached form of company. After he'd fallen asleep that evening with Jade wrapped in his arms, she'd spent almost a full hour studying him. She'd mapped the way his hair fell across his face and committed the random twitches of his face as he'd slept to memory; she wasn't certain why she was doing it, but it felt like a way of convincing herself that he was actually there.

Now however, the two sat bathed in the last of the daylight streaming through the window as the sun set on what had been a very sunny day. Beck had been channel surfing for most of the afternoon, the free channels on the in-room television making for some pretty awful viewing but it was just another attempt at distraction for Jade. Beck was certain she'd spent more of the afternoon zoned out than she had with her mind present in the room. He was trying not to worry too much about it, reminding himself it was still early days in her PTSD diagnosis but there was still something deeply unsettling about seeing someone who was usually so full of life go so blank. He had tuned out the bland sitcom in favour of watching Jade as she stared at the wall just beneath the television; he knew the inane chatting of the characters was little more than white noise to her at this point. The only indication that she hadn't faded out again was the infrequent glances at her blank phone screen and Beck knew only too well why she couldn't simply ignore it.

"You know you're supposed to be watching the television?"

Jade's dry tone caught Beck by surprise, but he didn't bother to try and feign interest in the television, keeping his eyes fixed on Jade instead.

"You could just text him you know."

Beck could practically feel the temperature of the room drop as Jade tensed at his suggestion.

"Who?"

"You know who, the only person who can get under your skin like this."

Jade thought that was unfair but stopped herself from snapping back that her father was actually the second person who could get under her skin, Beck being the first. She should have known Beck would notice; he'd spent more time watching her that afternoon than he had the awful 80's sitcom that was being broadcast. She didn't want to fight with him, she just wanted sleep and proper sleep at that.

"What's the point? He obviously doesn't care."

Lane had causally mentioned that morning that he had been keeping her father updated daily, at his request. Since his failed attempt at a phone call on the Wednesday, he hadn't tried to contact Jade again; not even a message to pass on through Lane. Jade thought she was okay with it, that it was easier this way but, if that were true, why couldn't she let it go?

"Maybe he just doesn't know what to say?" Beck couldn't believe what he was saying as he had no love for Mr West, particularly after his last encounter with the man, but watching Jade watch her phone had shifted his perspective somewhat.

"Oh, and that's my responsibility is it?"

"No, that's not what I'm saying. It just could be a reason." Beck kept his voice calm but backed off, recognising the warning signs that Jade was perilously close to losing her temper. Jade scoffed but didn't say anything further.

"This show really is awful; I can't believe people used to find this entertaining."

It was a weak attempt at changing the topic by all standards. Jade directed a sideways glare at him only to relent as Beck offered a somewhat guilty smile. She rolled her eyes and tried to re-settle herself against her pillows. Her bed went through phases throughout the day of being either really comfy or really uncomfortable and right now, it was uncomfortable. At Beck's suggestion earlier she'd tried sitting his chair but that was even worse with her sling. As it was, Beck noticed her shuffling again and frowned.

"Do you want to get ready for bed a little earlier?" Dinner had already been served and cleared, but Emma had yet to come around for the usual nightly change of clothes and bathroom trip.

"I want this bed to be fucking comfortable."

"I know."

"I don't want to stay in this stupid room anymore."

Beck tensed. This had become a recurring theme in the last few days, ever since she'd had the second PTSD episode. He quietly thought that Jade might have a point, that the very environment she was in wasn't helping her recovery anymore but then it threw up the issue of where she would stay, and that was more complicated.

"I don't think it will be much longer." Beck offered "Come on, I can help a little." He moved towards the bed, but Jade moved her hands out of his way.

"I don't need any help."

"Okay, okay" Beck backed up again, refusing to rise to the bait as he knew Jade was just trying to vent her frustration. She awkwardly shuffled her way off of the bed and hardly waited before dropping onto her feet. She was much more stable now than she had been and could cover small distances unaided; trips outside still required a bit of help. Her shoulder was now the biggest restriction to her movement which Jade hated with a passion.

Beck watched her as she clumsily sorted through her bag to pick out some different clothes to sleep in. Jade had argued that there was no point in changing her clothes as she wore slouchy, comfortable pieces all day, but Emma had been insistent that she'd feel better if she carried on getting 'dressed' as usual.

"Do you want-"

"No."

Beck bit his tongue as he watched her shuffle awkwardly out the door, struggling not to drop her clothes or washbag as she opened it. He sighed audibly although there was now no one in the room to hear it. He couldn't find it in himself to rise to her temper, he didn't let everything slide but he'd come to realise there was just no point in some battles.

He frowned at the mess of sheets left on the bed; it didn't look remotely inviting. He set about shaking out the various sheets, trying to fluff the rather lumpy pillows as he went in an attempt to make it look a bit more comfortable. However, he was quickly waylaid as he realised her phone notification light was flashing.

It couldn't be him? Could it?

His morals tugged at him for a moment before he pushed them aside, reaching for her phone to investigate. He wasn't sure whether he was frustrated or relieved when he saw the message from Cat. He put the phone back on the side, turning his attention back to the sheets.

'How can he keep doing this to her? She's got no one and he still can't get over himself for long enough to have a fucking conversation.'

Beck punctuated his thought by launching the remaining pillow back onto the bed. It did look better than before. He settled into his chair, content to flick through The Slap until Jade returned from the bathroom. It was only after he passed Sinjin's fourth post on what he could tell about President's diets from their teeth that he realised Jade should have been back already. He checked his watch which was showing just over thirty minutes since she'd left. He was sure she wasn't showering; she wasn't allowed without a Nurse nearby and even if Jade hated rules, that one she obeyed. Besides, she'd showered that very morning. He toyed with the idea of calling the nurse, the familiar anxious prickle running down his spine but ultimately decided against it, for now at least. If Jade was simply just taking longer than usual, in her current mood she wouldn't thank him for creating a fuss. He pocketed his phone and headed for the patient bathroom.

* * *

Jade was fuming. She was certain had she been a cartoon character like those that had been on the television earlier, she would have had steam coming out of her ears. As it was, she was laying sprawled on the floor of the bathroom with a long sleeve top caught over her head. She couldn't see anything but the floor and her one good arm was trapped with her hurt shoulder out of the sling and completely unable to move. The kicker was that the only other item of clothing she had on was a pair of panties; and she really fucking hated that word. All she wanted was to do something for herself for once, to not have to go through ritual humiliation as another grown woman helped her dress. Apparently the trying to get the top on was just a stretch too far and now she was lying on the floor, ready to kill someone.

Jade tried to roll over but with her broken shoulder, even the attempt made her eyes water. Her current position wasn't comfortable either but there wasn't anything she could do about it. She fought off the frustration as tears sprung to her eyes. She tried to roll one more time before giving up completely; someone would be along soon looking for her anyway. No sooner had she resigned herself to waiting on the cold floor, she heard a quiet tap on the door.

"Jade? Jade are you still in there?"

Of course, it was Beck. He was apparently always there to scoop her back up when something went wrong. Jade almost immediately chastised herself for thinking that, it wasn't Beck's fault and he wasn't the source of her anger, he just kept ending up on the receiving end. Still, she'd deal with that guilt later.

"I'm here." She didn't even know why she was being difficult at this point; she was hardly going to keep this from him now.

"Everything okay?" God, he even sounded timid; Had she really snapped at him that badly before?

"No."

"Can I come in?"

"It's locked"

"I have a key?"

"Fine."

She heard an odd scraping followed by the sound of the handle releasing; Beck's entrance was defined by a gasp as her current angle meant she was unable to look at anything but the floor a few inches from her face.

"Shit, Jade? Why didn't you say something?" Beck was crouched next to her in a flash, carefully twisting her so she could sit up again.

"Like what? I fell while I was putting my top on, I knew someone would be along soon."

"You weren't even going to let me in!"

"I didn't say that, I said it was locked – it's not like I could unlock it." Her matter of fact tone was confusing Beck, she was a little pale but apart from that she looked relatively unscathed. It was only then Beck realised how little she was wearing. He averted his eyes to the ceiling, trying to play it cool but missing it completely. Jade rolled her own eyes.

"You've got to be kidding me, Beck it's nothing you haven't seen before."

"I know it's just-"

"Just what?" Jade challenged.

"It's been a while and I don't want to presume just because we're, you know, that this is okay."

Jade fought the urge to roll her eyes a second time, but she couldn't ignore the small rush of affection as his explanation.

"Well right now I'd rather just be dressed and warm." She said pointedly, her shirt was now half on, half off and she was feeling the chill.

"Right, can you guide me?"

Jade nodded and helped him rearrange her shirt with the delicate process of getting her broken shoulder into the long sleeve with minimal disruption. She had started to regain a small amount of movement just one week on, but it was still very painful. Beck helped her balance as she stood to pull on her pyjama bottoms, careful not to let his eyes linger on the faint bruising around her still slightly too prominent ribs.

Jade gritted her teeth as her shoulder was jostled but she was grateful he had found her over the nurse. Beck had already seen her at rock bottom, multiple times, so while it wasn't how she wanted it, Beck was somewhat easier to accept help from without the worry of judgement. She did glare at him when he handed her the toothbrush pre-loaded with toothpaste, but he just smiled obnoxiously at her, knowing he was poking a little bit of fun at her.

It was a little over twenty minutes later they returned to the room and Jade paused when she saw the remade bed. Beck carried on as if nothing was amiss but Jade felt the same rush of affection tinged with a little sadness this time. The realisation that he really would do anything to help her feel better was a poignant one. She crossed the room quietly and buried herself into his chest as he turned, her good arm wrapping around his waist as he responded almost immediately. She pushed her face tighter against him, breathing in the familiar, comforting smell of his detergent mixed with body wash.

"Thanks." It was whispered against his shirt, but Beck squeezed her tighter.

"Any time."

It was really something to hear someone say those words and be able to believe them without any trace of a doubt.

* * *

Mr West stood awkwardly in the foyer of his own house as the last of the workmen departed through the front door. The smell of fresh paint wafted down the stairs, but it took the man a moment before he was ready to venture up there. He wasn't used to feeling so uncomfortable, particularly in a domain that was his own. He had a reputation for being in command of the room he was in, always in control, the man with all the answers. Now he stood like a stranger in his own home, the changes he'd decided on now complete but bringing with them a disquiet he couldn't quite shake.

Trying to act nonchalant, he walked up the staircase to the mezzanine floor which had previously been a bland, second reception area leading onto a balcony that overlooked the backyard. It was still a reception area, but the furniture was all different, the beige two-seater had been replaced with a dark grey sectional adorned with black and red cushions. His assistant had nearly fallen out of her chair in shock when Mr West had asked for her opinion on couch choice. At her suggestion he'd included floor lamps which would apparently create a warm glow in the evenings. Mr West had simply accepted her opinion, unwilling to admit the majority of his evenings at home were spent in his study with a desk lamp. He had to admit, it did look somewhat more inviting than before. He crossed the space slowly, pausing only to adjust the corner of the large plush rug from being a few mm off centre.

As he climbed the second, shorter set of stairs to the left, the smell of paint became almost overwhelming. As he entered the bedroom, it struck him for the first time that no one had ever actually stayed here; certainly not Jade. He had bought a simple double bed when he first moved and never touched it since. Even his housekeeper had stopped changing the sheets on it. The room looked completely different now, the addition of a plain black feature wall a far cry from the previous sterile white. The white remained on the other two walls and around the window that took up most of the fourth wall. Despite the dark shade, it somehow complimented the hardwood floor and the still-white bed linen. However, Mr West couldn't bring himself to appreciate the change. He didn't like the boldness of the wall, the way it changed the whole feel of the room; it was too much, in his opinion.

He lowered himself onto the edge of the black velvet tub chair, another new addition, as he surveyed the room. His thoughts were awash with uncertainty; had he done the right thing? Was this even worth it? It was all a gamble to begin with, an impulsive action that was incredibly out of character for him. After his run-in with Beck earlier that week he had stormed out of Amanda's house intent on burying himself back in his work, but the younger man's words had stuck with him more than he cared to admit.

He'd always rationalised his relationship with Jade much how she apparently had, that it was better when they were apart but something about hearing that was how she felt had shifted his perception of their relationship, if you could even call it that. From their own talk in the hospital, he knew that Jade was angry at him but actively preferring life when he wasn't around seemed like an invisible line had been crossed. He'd returned to Amanda's house once since the altercation with Beck, spending his time almost exclusively in Jade's room, desperately trying to get an understanding as to who his daughter was.

He spent an evening continuing Beck's clean-up efforts and, although the room was far from finished, he felt no closer to understanding Jade at all. He knew she was creative; he knew she had a penchant for the dark and macabre but there were no revelations that occurred, no special information he could glean. He left after almost 4 hours, somewhat disappointed, more than a little frustrated and extremely confused. It was only when her counsellor had called him on Friday with an update that the issue of Jade's release from hospital was raised. The hospital was hoping to discharge her by mid-week if no further complications arose and needed confirmation on where she would be staying, as she was still a minor. Mr West had been caught almost unaware, having blocked it out of his mind since his last conversation with Jade where she hadn't responded to either of his suggestions. For a moment, he almost found himself hoping the counsellor bought it up because she had made a decision, but in his next sentence the counsellor had admitted he hadn't discussed it with her yet.

Mr West had been scrolling through his morning emails when he'd found himself browsing furniture and paint almost by accident. The image of Jade's smashed up room had become ingrained into his memory and that had given him a starting point. He was consulting his assistant and entering his credit card details before the implications of his actions even caught up with him. Even after that, he'd delayed dealing with it until now it was staring him in the face. He ran a hand through his receding hair line, bringing mess to the usually slick style. He told the counsellor that she would stay with him, that her mother's house wasn't liveable, and the counsellor had agreed. It didn't make Mr West feel any better, he didn't trust counsellors and therapists, convinced half the industry was a scam as it was but he sounded decent enough over the phone.

He didn't know how it would work, his daughter living with him. They were complete strangers and he was usually out the house more than he was in it. Would that suit her? Or would she be requiring more from him? Maybe he could hire a nurse to help her, yes, that would make things less disruptive. He tapped a note into his calendar, a reminder to ask about expectations and extra requirements she might have. He still had the feeling he was missing something but he ignored it as he walked back down the staircase, determined to get some more work in before the new week started.

* * *

As per his agreement with Principal Eikner, Beck had to spend two days a week in school and Monday seemed as good a day as any. However, as he woke up that morning, he felt nothing but reluctance towards the school. Jade hadn't had such a good night and by extension, neither had Beck. She'd been restless, spending long periods awake and unable to relax enough to even doze. They'd ended up sticking on retro cartoons that were showing on the overnight channel programming, but even two hours of Tom and Jerry hadn't been enough to send Jade to sleep.

As his alarm buzzed on the cabinet, Beck toyed with re-arranging his plans as he watched Jade sleep in his arms. After their big talk the previous week, they'd spent every night since cuddled up on the small hospital bed. Beck couldn't hide the fact he much preferred it the chair. Having Jade curled up with him had been a big equalizer for him, providing him with a constant reminder that she was there and she was safe. Jade had noticed a difference too as while she still woke throughout the night, she was less likely to be in a full-on panic than before; it was also somewhat easier to calm her when she was.

Jade stirred, her eyes fluttering open to peer up at Beck who was still staring down at her.

"Morning"

"Hi" her voice was filled with sleep and Beck pressed a kiss to her forehead to hide his frown.

"Shouldn't you be getting ready?"

"I'm not sure I want to go now."

"But you have to?"

"Well, I could swap my days around." Beck wasn't certain how much flexibility there was now he had told the school his plans, but he imagined there must be some room for change.

"Wait, you're not thinking of staying because of me, are you?"

When Beck didn't say anything, Jade groaned.

"Beck I thought we talked about this?"

"I know we did but-"

"But what?" Jade demanded, now twisting to look him directly in the eyes. "But, nothing, I'll be fine and so will you." Jade was insistent but Beck still looked like he wanted to argue. Jade took his hand in her good one, forcing him to look at her.

"You can always text me if you get worried, remember?" her voice was deliberately soft as she reiterated a conversation they'd had back on Friday.

She wanted Beck to get on with his life but his anxiety over leaving her on her own for any stretch of time wasn't looking that much better. She'd been the one to suggest that he just text her and she'd do her best to reply. It didn't have to be anything complicated, just a quick message and then he would be satisfied that she was doing okay. Beck had been resistant at first, concerned that if he ended up texting too frequently Jade would just ignore him, but she had promised. What Beck didn't know is that Jade was planning on watching the frequency and forcing him to talk to someone if it became too much, something he had flat out refused when Jade suggested it. She had argued, pointing out the hypocrisy but Beck had insisted his problems were situational and already improving. Jade had left it go, for now.

"Yeah, I know." Beck's resignation bothered Jade more than she wanted to admit but she pushed it down. In an action that caught Beck unaware, she dropped a kiss on his cheek; an action that was usually Beck's. He couldn't stop the soft, slightly dopey smile the action brought and was rewarded with a small smile of Jade's own.

"Go on, go get ready."

He sighed but didn't argue further, gently disentangling himself from both Jade and the sheets. Jade laid back, content to watch him potter about with the clumsy daze he only ever had first thing in the morning. Things were far from 'back to normal' for them but Jade was hoping that was a good thing. They needed a new normal, and a fresh start. The fresh start was unrealistic what with him finding her bleeding out on the floor but a new normal was possible and Jade was clinging to the hope that they would actually make it.

All too soon for Beck, he was packed and ready to go. He lingered for a few minutes, trying to entice Jade into a conversation but she was not only wise to his ways but also still tired.

"Alright, I'll go but I'll be back after."

"You've said that three times now."

"Want me to say it one more?"

"Go!"

Jade shut her eyes, letting the tiredness overwhelm her for a moment. It was still early enough that the hospital was relatively quiet but she knew it was unlikely she'd sleep again. For one, there was now a presence missing from the bed and, as much as she hated it, she had a feeling it would be much harder to sleep for any length of time without it. There was something about Beck's warm body next to hers, his comforting smell and the reassuring beat of his heart under her that made sleeping a little easier. It was hardly new for her as it had been the same before the split up and after they had split, sleeping did seem to get harder.

'_For more than one reason_' Her brain reminded her slyly. As much as Jade tried, her mother never seemed to be far from her mind. Deciding that she was too exhausted to deal with it, Jade reached for her phone, resolute that a distraction would be enough to keep the thoughts at bay.

* * *

When Lane showed up for their usual appointment, he was immediately struck by how much more tired Jade looked than the day before. He'd kept up their appointments over the weekend as a precaution, he wasn't convinced leaving it two days when they'd only started recently would be in Jade's best interest. Jade didn't even protest at the wheelchair, beyond throwing it a disgusted look that is. They arrived in the still quiet cafeteria with no more than a few words exchanged, and Jade seemed reluctant to even attempt the toast in-front of her.

"You're quiet this morning."

"I didn't sleep well last night."

"Anything in particular?"

"I don't know." Jade was being honest, there was nothing new that had happened but the last few nights had been increasingly disturbed. She wasn't even managing to make it up during the day, it was as though someone kept pressing a button that stopped her from relaxing properly.

Lane regarded Jade for a moment, fairly certain she was telling him the truth. PTSD was a complicated condition; at times the symptoms could be so conflicting it wasn't uncommon for the sufferer to feel as though they were losing their mind.

"Did you try using the breathing techniques I taught you?"

"Sometimes."

"And?"

"Didn't always work."

"You need to practice them Jade; consistency is key here."

Jade nodded, too tired to argue or even offer a derisive comment. They finished up their breakfast in relative silence, Jade only finishing one of her slices of toast, before they headed to the hospital garden.

"Before we start with the usual, we need to talk about something."

Jade turned her head towards him, a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach; nothing good ever started with an ominous statement.

"The hospital staff are looking keen to release you this week, possibly as soon as Wednesday and we need to discuss your living arrangements."

If Jade's spirits had been lifted by the thought of being let out the hospital, they were rapidly smashed as the reality of her situation sunk back in. She had nowhere to go.

"Your father has suggested that the best option is for you to move in with him." Lane watched Jade carefully, trying to gauge her reaction.

"That being said, I want to know what your thoughts are, where you would prefer to live."

"I don't really have a choice though, do I?" Jade spoke through gritted teeth as waves of anxiousness started to rise within her. She jammed her hand into her hoody pocket, squeezing the life out of the little foam ball as she fought for control.

"You can go back to your mother's house if you'd prefer."

Jade shook her head violently, the reaction instinctive. She couldn't live there again, of that Jade was certain. The memories were bad enough but having to walk into the kitchen each day, past the stairs, having to salvage her room; it was too much to even bear. However, the thought of living with her father was no more enticing. Her stomach twisted unpleasantly as she realised how much further her father's house was from Beck's, it was on the other side of the hills to her mother's.

"I don't want to live with him either."

"Would you feel better staying in the hospital for longer?" It wasn't really an option, but Lane was trying to understand just what Jade's motivation was for rejecting both choices.

"No, I hate it here." Just like that, the weight of everything going on felt impossible again. There was no right option, no good option, there wasn't even a slightly less objectionable option.

"Why do you not want to stay with your father?"

An incredulous expression took over Jade's face as she looked at Lane,

"He's a complete fucking stranger who doesn't appear to give a damn about me, never has and never will – why would I want to go and live with that?" The words burst out before she could stop them, not that she wanted to.

"He does care Jade, not that he hasn't made mistakes, but you are his daughter."

"Made mistakes? Is that what we're calling my childhood now?" Jade lashed out "If he cares so much how come I haven't heard off of him apart from one measly attempt at a phone call? I've not even had a message through you!"

In their few sessions they had focused more on her mother than her father, but Lane had managed to pull some inferences from what she'd told him along the way. It was a complicated relationship and he wasn't certain it would ever be fixed, but he needed to get Jade to a point where she was at least accepting of the situation, or else he would be seriously concerned about her mental state when she was discharged.

"Would it help if he talked to you about it?" Jade's eyes flashed.

"You shouldn't have to force him to talk to me."

"That's not what I meant."

"Isn't it?" Just like that, the shutters had come down and Lane knew he was standing on the other side.

"We'll revisit this later." He concluded, only to get stony silence from Jade. The only sign of a reaction from her was an increase in the furious squeezing of the ball in her pocket.

"I'm going to grab a water; I'll be back in a minute."

Again, Jade ignored him, too focused on the emotions coursing through her. Lane wanted to give her space for a few minutes, to lessen the pressure albeit in a controlled manner as he watched from the water cooler just inside the door.

Jade struggled to breathe evenly; now aware she was practically ripping the foam about of the ball with her fingernails. She was so distracted that the sudden buzz of her phone made her jump. She pulled it out angrily, only calming slightly when she saw it was a message from Beck.

_Hey, I just got to school – everything okay?_

Jade stared at the message, how was she meant to answer that now?

_It's all too much._

No, she couldn't say that.

_Everything's fine._

She couldn't put this in a text, she couldn't ruin his day like that. She'd tell him when he got back.

* * *

**Well I hope you liked it - I'm just happy I managed to update on the Saturday for once! As always, all spelling/grammar issues are my own. **

**Thanks to everyone who has read and reviewed so far, it really brightens my day to read them. **

**Next chapter Cat will return along with Mr West as Jade (and Beck) continue to try and find the way forward. **


	28. Chapter 28

Jade sat quietly after Lane had left, turning on the television only to ignore it entirely. It was more for show anyway as she'd heard Lane tell Emma to keep an eye on her as he left. They hadn't made much progress when he returned to her in the hospital garden. Jade was too busy trying to swallow the enormity of the situation to even have the space to talk about what she was feeling. Feelings suddenly seemed so trivial.

One step forward, three steps back.

The phrase bounced around Jade's head endlessly, like an old record with a stuck needle that she couldn't quite reach to free it. It wasn't as though she was expecting to magically feel better, but she'd had a handful of sessions with Lane now, she'd started opening up to Beck for Christ's sake; why wasn't anything working? The hopelessness enveloping her quickly gave way to anger and, before she knew it, she was launching the nearest object at the television.

It was lucky that Jade was such a poor shot as while the object of her anger was the small foam ball, the force with which she threw it could have done some serious damage to the aging television. As it was, the only evidence was a faint blue mark on the wall where the ball had made contact. Unfortunately for Jade, the ball bounced off and landed a distance from the bed, far beyond her reach. For a moment she looked around for something else to throw, nearly grabbing her pillow before she finally managed to catch herself. What was she even doing?

She ran her good hand through her hair, her fingers lingering on the little tuft now growing at the base where they'd drilled the hole. It felt different, almost too soft compared to the rest of her hair but spikey when rubbed the wrong way. She wasn't sure how visible it was, or if she had the energy to care. All it was, was a reminder; more evidence that her life had fallen apart at the seams. It took Jade almost a minute to realise she had tightened her grip on the short hairs so much that it was making her head pound.

Breathing. That was what Lane wanted her to do. With great effort, she removed her fingers, grasping the sheets instead, and tried to focus.

_In for three, hold for three, out for four. _

_In for three, hold for three, out for four. _

Her breath felt shaky in her chest, as though the walls of her lungs were trembling under the effort of simply breathing. The heavy weight wouldn't budge.

_In for three, hold for three, out for four. _

_In for three, hold for three, out for four. _

There was no instant relief, no release of pressure or weight lifted but, after the fifth or sixth repetition, Jade realised the air was just a little easier to hold onto. Her lungs felt a little stronger under the weight on her chest and she could use it to let go of some of the anger – sort of. She opened her eyes, not having realised she'd shut them in the first place. The room looked the same as before, but she didn't feel quite as on edge as she had; however, it didn't stop her from glaring at the little blue ball in the spot it had come to rest.

Steeling herself, Jade moved to awkwardly swing her legs over the edge of the bed. Manoeuvring with only one working shoulder was something she had yet to master, as her failed bathroom trip had shown her. Still, soon enough she had shuffled to the edge of the bed and let herself slip into a standing position. She crossed the room swiftly and scooped down to collect the ball before moving to the wall to inspect her handywork. It didn't look too bad, just as though something had rubbed up against it. She gave the ball a squeeze but more in annoyance than anything else; hopefully, no one would notice. It was as she turned back towards the bed, her vision suddenly greyed at the edges and an overwhelming feeling of nausea overtook her. Jade stumbled, struggling to keep her balance as her good arm struck out in a search for support.

She made it back over to the bed, pitching dangerously as her vision shifted some more. She blindly reached for the mattress, but it was too high to get onto easily. As another wave of nausea flooded her stomach, she stumbled back until her calves hit something large and soft.

Beck's chair.

She almost collapsed into it with relief, glad she no longer had to try and hold herself up as she waited for the world to stop spinning. It was odd though; Jade thought the chair would be softer and more comfortable than it felt. Her vision was starting to clear quite rapidly, the dark edges dissipating and the nausea receding. Jade blinked a few times, trying to clear the last of it away only to become aware of a dull throb from the base of her spine. It was only as she started to become fully aware of her surroundings that she realised something was very wrong. All the angles of the room were different and why was she face to face with the underworking's of the metal bedframe? She wrestled with confusion for a moment before the situation dawned on her. She hadn't sat in the chair at all. She'd missed it and ended up sitting straight down onto the floor, hence the dull pain and odd surroundings.

Jade would have rolled her eyes at the situation, but she was still a little wary of the dizziness returning. She heard a buzz above her head, her phone she realised. She reached out awkwardly with her arm, even though it was on the wrong side and managed to jostle the mattress enough to bring her phone to the edge. The triumph felt when she managed to get it down without smashing it was a little pathetic, but Jade couldn't find it in herself to care.

(1) New Message: Beck Oliver

_No tostadas for lunch… Trina sprayed vinegar all over the grub truck. _

Jade managed a half-smile at Beck's message. She knew he was checking up on her, but he was trying his hardest to make it seem like less of an interrogation. She was actually quite impressed, this was only her second message of the day; he was doing better than she had expected, than even he had expected. The thought of grub truck tostadas made her stomach grumble, taking Jade completely by surprise. She couldn't remember the last time it had done that. It only then dawned on her that she hadn't eaten or really drunk anything since breakfast with Lane. She'd ignored her tray earlier, her mind too preoccupied and Lane hadn't stayed for lunch as he often did as he was needed on campus.

'_Well at least that explains the dizziness I guess'_ she thought, irritated by her own actions. While the world was no longer spinning, she wasn't sure she had the strength to get back up yet. She kicked a foot out in a small act of frustration only to be confused when it hit something other than the air she was expecting. Something that crinkled.

Curious, Jade shuffled within reaching distance and pulled on the sheets only to find herself looking at the hamper Beck had brought back with him. Jade stared at it for a moment. Now she looked at it, she could remember it but it was like up until that point her brain had blocked it out. She felt the same twinge of anxiety as before, but it was lesser now than before, and accompanied by a growing interest. What could the others have bought her?

The more she looked at the hamper, the more she couldn't ignore her growing curiosity for the contents of the bow-wrapped, cellophane monstrosity in-front of her.

'_Well, I'm not going to be moving anywhere anytime soon_' she reasoned.

She started to pull at the black bow, tugging hard until she realised it was actually on an elastic and could be slipped off. The cellophane rustled noisily as Jade tried to find the join in the piece without ripping it. She finally managed to remove the cellophane and pulled the basket closer to her. There was shredded tissue paper everywhere in whites and silvers, she'd already spilt a fair amount onto the hospital floor trying to get the basket unwrapped.

Jade paused for a moment, taking time to sweep what she could reach into a small pile with her hands; her curiosity was suddenly being tempered by a rising anxiety.

Why am I so anxious?

The question seemed so obvious, but she had no answer for it. She waited a few more minutes, trying to level her breathing out by sheer force of will. Deciding there was nothing to do but push through it, Jade gritted her teeth and started going through the items one by one.

Straight away she could see Tori's hand in picking the items, there were several, very feminine, 'pampering' orientated products; bath crystals, body wash, hand cream and a body moisturiser. Jade winced slightly as they were all different scents but, to her surprise, they all seemed to include vanilla. Jade wondered if Beck had been involved in this at all, he hadn't said anything but she knew he'd always liked the smell of her vanilla bodywash, to the point at which she'd nearly thrown it all out when they broke up; then again, Jade had decided it was too good of a body wash to waste it over a guy.

Jade lined up the various creams along the floor and returned her attention to the remaining items. A jar candle, this time sandalwood and Bergamot; again, Jade wondered about Beck's involvement as she used to keep Sandalwood candles in her room alongside reed diffusers. It was a calming smell for her, subtle but strong enough that it didn't fade into the background. Or maybe it was Cat? Jade suddenly felt bad that she hadn't thought of Cat before. Besides Beck, Cat was the one other person she would have said she was close too, although in a completely different way to Beck. She was Cat's confidant, especially with her brother but Jade never returned the favour, keeping all her demons locked up tight.

Still, Jade placed the candle to the side with the other items and moved on. As she stared down at the black and green cuddly toy, bright green, glassy eyes staring back at her Jade felt the lump in her throat reform. This was definitely Cat's input. She ran her thumbs over the plush black fabric, over the crazy tuft of faux fur in-between what she assumed was supposed to be the ears Jade felt hot tears spilling over her cheeks. She didn't even know why she was crying, just that it would be useless to try to stop herself. Since after the initial days following the incident, she hadn't really cried but now it seemed there was no stopping it. They weren't big sobs, just the continuous silent streaming of tears. They itched slightly as they collected along her jawline, but she made no move to wipe them off. Her vision blurred until the soft toy became just a black blur streaked with green but even then, she couldn't seem to stop, her fingers still tracing the material and almost relishing in the softness.

Jade didn't know how long she was sat there for, but her tears did eventually dry up and it was only then she moved her sleeve to dry her face. She could feel the puffiness and her eyes stung but she almost felt lighter now than she did before. She looked at the ridiculous cartoon face staring up at her, somewhat incredulous at how she had reacted to a soft toy, but it didn't stop her from placing it very carefully on the floor next to her.

Jade reached for the last two items, chocolate peanuts and a small tin of hard mints. She turned the tin of mints over in her hands, inspecting them before looking more closely at the peanuts. She was a grazer, preferring to snack throughout the day and chocolate peanuts were a favourite of hers; she always seemed to have a packet stashed in her bag for emergency cravings. Impulsively, Jade pulled the packaging apart, no easy feat with only one working hand but she managed to grip it weakly with her immobilised hand as she pulled them open.

As she popped the first one in her mouth, Jade thought it might be the first time she had actually tasted anything properly in months. The chocolate melted quickly across her tongue, almost coating it in a thin layer of sweet indulgence before giving way to the blander but somehow still buttery peanut. She chewed it carefully, unsure if she wanted to savour the moment or chase the instant gratification. Before she knew it, she'd eaten almost a third of the bag, only pausing to inspect the branding; it was something much more upmarket than her usual Walmart selection on her way to school. Calling on her willpower, she folded the top of the bag over and rested them on the floor with the other things.

She thumbed through the rest of the tissue paper, checking she hadn't missed anything, before replacing the pieces of tissue which had fallen out. Her gaze fell back on the small selection of items she'd pulled from the hamper, something uncomfortable shifting with her again. Each item was thoughtful, time had clearly been taken in selecting each one, but it didn't make Jade feel good; all the previous warmth from the peanuts was rapidly dissipating. She was confused, anxiety ebbing in waves the longer she looked at them.

Why had they done this for her?

Who even was 'they'? Was it really all of them, or had Beck just been trying to make her feel better? Or Cat?

It felt like her brain was stuttering, struggling to process the information in-front of her. It was frustrating, another addition to the rapidly mounting feelings inside her head. Jade swore her head throbbed painfully in response to that, as though there was not enough room for everything she was thinking, everything she was feeling.

"Jade? Are you alright?"

If Jade had been standing, she probably would have fallen over at Emma's voice. She snapped her head towards the door, completely surprised to see Emma standing there with a lunch tray having not heard her come in. Jade opened her mouth to answer but found she had no answer to speak of; she really hated that question.

"Why are you on the floor?" Emma's face was an odd mix of concern and slightly comical surprise as she approached Jade.

"I missed the chair and I didn't feel like getting back up."

Emma read in-between the lines almost immediately, switching straight back to her clinical brain as she moved to help Jade get up. Jade accepted her help without too much hesitation, the floor was fast becoming cold and uncomfortable.

With Jade settled back onto the side of the bed, Emma stooped to pick up the contents of the hamper.

"Where did these come from?"

"Some friends from school." The word 'friends' seemed foreign in her mouth, but any other description would have felt lacking.

"That's nice of them." Emma breezed, resting the items back into the hamper on top of the shredded tissue. "And these are some fancy products – I've always wanted to try Clinic 42 but never seemed right to spend that kind of money on something you pour down the drain, not on my wage anyway."

Jade nodded along, only half listening as she struggled to get on top of the mess that still persisted inside her head. Emma noticed that Jade wasn't paying that much attention and fell quiet. She put the hamper onto the empty chair and reached for the remote to turn off the television, now showing some rather desperate teleshopping.

"Jade?"

Jade looked up at her for a second time, the blue ball back to being squeezed firmly in her hand.

"I've brought you some lunch, which I'm going to need you to eat now to get your sugars back up."

Emma didn't like being so insistent about when her patients ate their food, firmly of the view that it was better for them to spend four hours eating their lunch than to feel pressured and not eat it at all. However, if Jade had 'missed' the chair, and taking into account her even paler than usual complexion, she needed some sustenance as soon as possible.

Jade looked at the food in-front of her, her earlier hunger somewhat disappearing even though today's offering did not look as questionable as usual. A plain but not unattractive cheese sandwich, sliced apple and grapes in a fruit bowl with a raspberry yoghurt and some sugar biscuits.

"I just ate some chocolate peanuts."

If Emma was surprised by Jade's sudden admission, she didn't show it.

"That's good but while I'm sure they tasted good, they're kind of low on the vitamin content."

Jade relented and picked up a corner of the sandwich but still resisted putting it near her mouth, her stomach turning unpleasantly as the weight on her chest dug itself in even further.

"Eating is important to your recovery Jade; it will make you feel a lot better."

"I'm not in the mood."

"But you are hungry."

It was a statement, not a question and Jade paused as she realised her own choice of words. She was hungry, maybe still as hungry as she had been when she sat on the floor but, at the same time, she didn't actually want to eat.

"I think so."

"I expect your sick of hearing this by now, but this is normal for someone in your position."

Jade wasn't able to resist rolling her eyes at the repetitive phrase.

"Your brain is still stuck in survival mode, any anxiety you feel will be putting you off eating – almost as though your body doesn't want to introduce anything else into its system that it might not be able to cope with but, the longer you go without eating, the more your sugar level drops which will only increase your anxiety as it triggers hormone release to try and kick start your liver into producing more sugar."

"Which it can't do." Jade's quiet voice surprised even herself, but Emma's words made sense; she was sure they'd covered this in biology at some point, something about adrenaline and fight or flight to allow survival. It didn't make it the cheese sandwich look any more palatable, but the explanation made her feel slightly less crazy. Slightly.

"You've got to put mind over mind on this one Jade, not mind over matter; but I promise the more of the sandwich you eat, the better you will feel."

Jade felt the familiar frustration rise inside of her, only it wasn't aimed at Emma but at herself. Did she have so little control that she couldn't even help herself now? In a swift move, Jade shoved half of the corner into her mouth, chewing determinedly. It did not taste good; her mouth was so dry the bread stuck to the roof of her mouth as the cheese disintegrated around her teeth, but she didn't stop chewing. It took several swallows to get the whole mouthful down, but Jade followed it quickly with another, somewhat more manageable bite, refusing to give in. The more she chewed, the easier it became until she'd managed to eat both halves. Emma passed her a cup of water which she accepted gladly, taking down large gulps as she tried to make her mouth feel less like a desert.

Emma was once again impressed by the sheer grit and determination of her patient; she was getting much more of a feeling as to who Jade was before the incident. She took the cup back off her as Jade moved onto the fruit.

"Don't go too fast, you'll get hiccups and you don't want to risk throwing it up."

"You said I had to eat it now."

"Yes, but you don't need to inhale it." Emma batted away her icy tone with ease and felt somewhat victorious when Jade slowed down.

It took another ten minutes for Jade to finish the fruit and yoghurt, but she paused before deciding against the biscuits. The food she had eaten was sitting a little uncomfortably in her stomach, her body probably in shock that she'd eaten anything substantial at all in one go.

"You can save those for later, have them in a few hours to keep your sugar up."

Jade nodded and let Emma clear the tray as she attempted to get slightly more comfortable on the bed. Emma walked her through some more exercises for her shoulder, adding in another new one that felt like her whole arm was about to disconnect from the socket. Despite this, Jade had noticed that the exercises that she found hard the week before were definitely easier to do now.

Emma kept up a steady flow of chatter throughout, but Jade didn't say much beyond one-word answers. She wasn't trying to be rude but she had slipped back into a place where talking seemed like too much effort and mercifully, the anxiety had lessened somewhat allowing her brain to take a much-needed breather. The thoughts of her living situation, her father and her mother still flitted around her head, but the tiredness was just enough to allow her to push them to one side, at least for now. Emma noticed Jade was suddenly very drowsy and started manoeuvring the sheets to tuck her in. Jade probably would have found this another source of frustration had she been more awake, but she was out like a light by the time Emma had finished her work.

Just as Emma started to leave an odd noise caught her attention, a violent buzz from somewhere on the floor. Emma bent down to find the source of the buzzing was Jade's phone which was pretty far under the bed. Emma retrieved the phone, only to find the phone screen lit up.

(1) New Message: Beck Oliver

_Lunch was eventful, now everything is covered in vinegar…. Going to shower before I come back to the hospital. Everything okay with you?_

Emma was certainly not in the habit of snooping on her patient's phones but when she saw it was the second of two unanswered messages, she thought she'd better intervene.

_Hi Beck, it's Emma (nurse) here, Jade's just fallen asleep after having some lunch. She'll probably be awake by the time you get back from school. Have a good afternoon. _

She read it a few times before pressing the send button, happy that she wasn't overstepping her professional bounds in any way. She adjusted the blinds right before leaving, hoping if there were as few distractions as possible, Jade stood a decent chance of a good few hours' sleep.

* * *

Beck felt instant relief as his phone buzzed and Jade's name popped up. He had tried not to worry when she hadn't replied to his first message straight away. He read it quickly, a little disappointed when he saw it was from Emma but glad when he read the content. Jade eating lunch and sleeping? That was definitely an improvement on the last few days. Unable to stop the small smile spreading onto his face, he pocketed his phone and tried to turn his attention back to the history teacher.

The general mood of the classroom was incredibly grumpy as the smell of vinegar permeated from almost every student. Beck wasn't even sure how it all started, only that Trina was now in the principal's office, and hopefully about to be sent home. Beck couldn't wait for the end of the day so he could go and change his clothes.

The rest of the day passed by in a bit of a haze, too slowly for Beck but he wasn't really paying that much attention to his lessons. The individual work was alright but for some reason listening to the teachers just caused his mind to drift. As the final bell rung, Beck almost sighed with relief, making a beeline for his truck.

"Beck!" He had reached for the door handle when Cat's voice reached him. He turned to see her running towards him.

"What's up Cat?"

"Are you going to see Jadey?"

"Yeah, but I'm going home first to shower."

"Trina got you too?" Cat's nose wrinkled as the smell of vinegar coming off of Beck's clothes reached her. Thankfully Cat had been in a dance rehearsal over lunch with Tori and had managed to avoid the vinegar debacle that he, Andre and Robbie had all fallen victim to.

"Yeah and I want to get it off as quickly as possible so-" Beck felt a bit rude, but he really didn't want to be held up any longer than he had to.

"Can I come with you? I want to see Jade."

Beck winced, having a feeling that this was coming, and he didn't really have an answer for her. He wasn't sure if it was a good idea or not.

"Cat, I'm not sure if Jade's ready."

"Please-y" Cat's eyes got almost comically bigger "I saw her the other day remember, and she was okay with it. If she isn't, I'll go, and I'll be quiet this time, I promise."

Beck didn't have the heart to disagree with her. To Cat, Jade the other day had been okay but she hadn't seen Jade in-between like Beck had, she hadn't seen the wide range of ups and downs she could go through. Still, he gestured to the other side of his truck and Cat squeaked in happiness before bouncing around to get in, chattering about how it was lucky as her mom couldn't make it to pick her up from school anyway.

Beck let Cat chatter on for the whole journey home, although he made more of an effort to listen to her than he had their teachers. Cat was quite happy just to have someone to talk to who wasn't brushing her off, covering a myriad of topics as her mind wandered from thought to thought. It wasn't until she was sitting on the couch in Beck's RV, waiting for Beck to finish up in the bathroom, that she finally paused her still external chatter to look around. She hadn't been in Beck's RV since him and Jade had broken up, with the gang either meeting at school or somewhere else. Cat still felt bad about the times Jade had been excluded either accidentally or on purpose, like the previous week. Cat knew what it was like to be excluded and it made her quite sad to think of how Jade must feel.

She looked around the RV, frowning as she realised things were different from the last time. Had Beck redecorated? Things were in different places and there were holes on the shelves, the desk that should have had things on them. It took a moment for her to realise that it was Jade who was missing. Cat was so used to seeing the RV scattered with Jade's belongings, it looked bereft without them. Cat had at one-point thought Jade had moved into Beck's RV, when she'd been there to work on a project with Jade and her stuff was everywhere; books, clothing, her coveted deluxe copy of The Scissoring. Jade had brushed her off at the time, but Beck had laughed and commented that she might as well do since most of her stuff was there. What seemed like a funny comment at the time now seemed much more sinister to Cat, she unconsciously grabbed a couch cushion and hugged it close.

"Cat, everything okay?"

Cat had been so wrapped up in her thoughts, she hadn't realised the shower had been off for a while and subsequently not heard Beck come back into the room in clean clothes with freshly dried hair.

"Your RV is all wrong"

"Huh?" Beck was even more bewildered and panicking slightly as water pooled in Cat's eyes.

"There's no Jadey here and there should be." Cat sounded angry now but Beck was still struggling to grasp her meaning.

"Cat you know she's in the hospital, they've been looking after her." Beck approached her carefully, not wanting to cause any more upset.

"I know that, but she'd not here. All her stuff is missing, and it isn't right, you two weren't supposed to break up."

Cat's voice had taken on an increasingly vulnerable quality, although it wasn't anything like the child-like tone she usually adopted. Beck didn't know quite how to describe it but it pulled at his heart strings painfully and he shifted closer to Cat, wrapping an arm over her shoulders in a half hug. Unfortunately for Cat, the gesture did away with the last of her control on her emotions and she felt tears tracking their way down her face.

"How didn't we notice that she was hurting?" Cat sniffed, guilt welling up inside her. Beck squeezed his eyes shut as he rubbed his hand up and down Cat's arm in an attempt to offer comfort. It was the same question he must have asked himself at least a thousand times over the last week but he still couldn't really answer it.

"I don't know Cat" he replied honestly "But I do know this, Jade didn't want us to know and you know if Jade is determined to do something, she really makes it difficult for someone to go against it."

"But she shouldn't have wanted to hide it from us, I always told her everything."

"I know, I know." Beck soothed "And I know how much Jade values that you trust her so much and just because Jade didn't tell you doesn't mean she didn't trust you."

"It kinda does though." Cat's tears had stopped but her voice was still thick.

"Do you think Jade didn't trust me?" Beck felt more than a little apprehensive about asking Cat as there were plenty of times he'd questioned it, both to Jade and himself.

"I thought she did." Cat was uncertain.

"I thought she did too, and then I found out and I thought she didn't but, in the end, I think it's more complicated than just trusting someone."

"What do you mean?" Cat was looking at Beck now for the first time.

"Well, Jade didn't want to risk trusting someone else with information of a situation that I don't think she even knew what to do with; it was normal for her but not for any of us so how could we understand?"

"But we would have." Cat interjected.

"Jade didn't know that and, also we don't even know that. I still don't know what would have happened if she told me at any time in the last two years, how I would have reacted or what I would have done although I've thought about it a lot in the last week."

Cat bit her lip as she thought through Beck's argument, somewhat reluctant to agree that it did make sense.

"We've spent a long time talking about it together and, the way Jade saw it, we were safe." Beck continued, realising as he spoke that the whole situation made more sense than he'd given it credit for. "We were drama free, had no connection to her family and wouldn't treat her any different, we were an escape and why would she risk ruining that?"

"I suppose it makes sense." Cat admitted, twirling a piece of her red hair absentmindedly between her fingers, the couch cushion having now flopped onto the floor.

"Do you think she's going to be okay?"

The seemingly innocent question caused Beck's heart to clench painfully again.

"I hope so Cat."

* * *

Barely half an hour later, Cat and Beck were walking through the maze of hospital corridors towards Jade's room. Cat was still more subdued than normal, although she looked brighter after taking a moment to splash cold water on her face; Beck's suggestion as it was his mother's catch all solution for most problems. He hadn't text Jade in advance, not wanting to wake her up if she was still sleeping but he felt an odd mix of anxiety and excitement at seeing her again. He was so used to spending most of his time with her over the past week, he wasn't ashamed to admit he'd missed her at school, especially now he could let his thoughts stray back into relationship territory.

He peeked through the small window and was somewhat disappointed to see Jade sitting up in bed, very obviously awake as she was scribbling something on a bit of paper with her good hand. He gave two gentle knocks so as not to startle her but couldn't stop the wide grin spreading across his face as she looked up. He opened the door, Cat close on his heels as Jade put the paper to one side.

"I bought a visitor."

"Hi!" For all her quiet manner on the ride over, Cat seemed to have returned to her bubbly self, bounding over to greet her friend.

"Hey Cat." Jade managed a small smile of her own, realising it was actually nice to see Cat.

"I'll go grab another chair."

Beck's words went mostly unnoticed as Cat had started jabbering away about goodness knows what.

Jade thought she was doing better at keeping up with Cat's chatter than she had on her previous visit, but it was taking a lot of effort. Jade never realised just how quickly Cat could talk.

"Cat, you're going to have to slow down I can't keep up."

Cat paused, wondering if now was the right moment? If it wasn't, would there ever be a right moment.

"Why didn't you tell me?" The words had left her mouth before she could stop them.

Jade stared at her. She reached for the worn blue foam on reflex. Jade had been hoping that this question wouldn't be asked for a long time, if at all. She'd already gone ten rounds with Beck but somehow coming from Cat it was almost more difficult. Beck had been her boyfriend and he'd thought confidant but Cat, Cat was her best friend who had not dissimilar family problems, problems that she'd shared with Jade. Jade had always thought there was an unspoken understanding between them, the knowledge that Jade's family was also fucked up but maybe she'd misjudged it all.

"I thought you sort of knew." Jade decided to be brutally honest, not having it in her to try and concoct a lie however it didn't stop the guilt she felt as Cat's face dropped.

"I thought you knew things were difficult, but I didn't want to talk about it."

"I just thought it was your Dad, 'cause you and he don't really talk, and he's kind of nasty to you."

For some reason, the truth about her father wasn't easier to hear coming from someone else but, Jade realised how well she had hidden the real happenings from both Beck and Cat.

"I guess I wanted to believe you knew as I didn't want to have that conversation." Jade thought it through as she spoke. Had she known that Cat wouldn't have a clue about her mother? Even after the time Cat saw the bruise on her shoulder a few months back, as her mother had just started ramping up the level of violence. In her mind, Jade had connected it with her being around the house more following the break-up.

"When we were hanging out, or at school things were normal, I didn't want to lose it by talking about my drug addicted mother."

"But didn't you trust me?" Again, the words fell out without Cat having any control over them.

Jade swallowed. Truth was, Jade wasn't certain she had trusted anyone but how did you explain that the issue was you and not all the other people?

"I don't think it's as straightforward as trust, Cat."

"That's what Beck said."

Jade frowned at that; the idea of Cat and Beck talking about her while she wasn't present was aggravating to say the least. However, the feeling didn't last long, replaced by a thankfulness that Beck really was understanding what she was saying, which was a miracle in itself given that she was also processing a lot of these emotions and feelings for the first time herself.

"Yeah, well, Beck was always the smart one."

"But you get higher marks than him?" Jade snorted

"Yeah but don't remind him of that." They were both smart and pretty evenly matched across the board. The main difference between them is that Jade tended to keep her grades to herself, sure she kept a mental list of her ranking, but she didn't tend to share them beyond her friendship group.

The momentary light mood was shifting rapidly into awkwardness, neither girl knowing what to say until Jade had a small epiphany.

"Cat, this isn't your fault."

"But I didn't notice." Cat's eyes were shining again.

"But that doesn't make it your fault, any more than it makes it Beck's fault or-" Jade took a breath, trying to be brave as she admitted something she hadn't before

"Or even my fault; and I was the one who knew exactly what was going on."

It felt like a big step, to finally say those words out loud and recognise that perhaps this wasn't her fault. Cat didn't look completely convinced but Jade wasn't giving up. In an impulsive move that was very out of character, she moved her hand from the ball and gestured to Cat to take it. Cat did without hesitation.

"Do you blame me for this?"

"No." Cat's answer was instantaneous.

"Then you definitely shouldn't be blaming yourself, understand?"

Finally, Cat nodded, and Jade gave her hand a squeeze for a moment before withdrawing. Cat hopped up onto the side of the bed like she had before, now visibly more relaxed and restarted her chatter of the day's activities.

From just outside the door, Beck breathed a sigh of relief, the plastic chair in his hands now redundant. He'd been about to re-enter when he heard Cat ask the question and, while he hadn't eavesdropped the conversation, the change in body language was a definite relief. It gave him just enough hope that maybe things could get better.

* * *

**Well, another chapter down and some more movement for Jade. I know I said Mr West would reappear but my word count was getting ridiculous so he is back in the next chapter. As usual, all errors are my own. **

**I hope you enjoyed reading it, feel free to drop a line in the box below to let me know your thoughts. Big thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter, I really enjoyed reading them. **


	29. Chapter 29

Cat ended up staying with Jade for the rest of the afternoon and a good chunk of the evening. The only break had been when Beck and Cat popped out to the cafeteria to grab some food for dinner. Beck had suggested Jade go with them, but she'd declined, too tired from the day's activities to even be interested. She had instead focused on getting through of much of her own meal as she could, happy to let Beck and Cat's easy chatter distract her enough that she didn't put much thought into what she was eating. She didn't even complain when Beck placed a steaming cup of water in-front of her and dropped another fruit tea bag in it; her caffeine embargo still hadn't been lifted by Dr Griffiths or Emma.

Still, Jade didn't ask Cat to leave and every time it seemed like the conversation was going that way, she'd say something to divert it. Cat was more than willing to keep on talking, excited that Jade was interested in her stories. Beck was a little more sceptical as he watched Jade fight to stay present and the slight panic that would play around the edges of her eyes every time the conversation got close to finishing. Luckily, he was saved from forcibly interrupting by the buzz of Cat's phone.

"Oh, I didn't realise the time, that's my alarm."

"Your alarm?"

"Time to shower!"

Beck was every bit as bewildered as Jade, not understanding the need for alarm for an evening shower. He checked his watch and winced when the small hands pointed to half past nine.

"Cat do you need a lift back home?"

"It's cool I'll get a cab." Jade raised her eyebrows, looking firmly at Beck to indicate in no uncertain terms that Cat and cab was a bad idea; who knew where she would end up.

"How about you just call your mom?"

"I dunno, she's normally really tired after my brother goes to bed."

"I'm sure she won't mind, or I can drop you home."

Cat chewed her lip for a moment before putting a call through to her mom. A short conversation later and Cat was clinging onto Jade, in the tightest hug she could get away with. Jade was tolerating it, having embraced her to begin with but after several minutes was simply enduring the red head. A second pointed look over Cat's shoulders at Beck pushed him into action and he managed to convince Cat to let go of her.

Beck was pleased that on the walk back to the main hospital entrance Cat seemed a lot happier, the bounce having returned to her step. He waved her off for only a few seconds before high tailing it back to Jade's room, still suspicious about Jade's behaviour. He was somewhat surprised when he arrived to find Jade had managed to get his big hoodie on and her bra off, evidenced by it dangling out of the long sleeve. Jade wasn't exactly a fan of wearing bras, especially when in bed but for some reason, it helped her feel more 'put together' during the day and made the swap to night more noticeable. Emma had advised her to try and have as many things as possible that helped her body and her mind differentiate between the two; being in a room doing very little for most of the day messes with the circadian rhythm. Jade had thought it ridiculous at first but, with all the trouble she was having sleeping, she was willing to give anything a try.

"I've always been impressed that you can do that."

"Do what?"

"Take a bra off without taking your top off."

"It's a sports bra Beck, it's not rocket science."

"Still, I have enough issues when there isn't a top involved."

"I remember." Jade snorted and Beck narrowed his eyes in mock offence.

"Hey, I always got there in the end." Jade couldn't stop the small smile that spread onto her face at Beck's indignance. He was right though, he always managed it even if she did sometimes have to lend a helping hand. Her smile grew a little wider when she realised this was the first time in a long time, she had thought of a memory of the two of them, and her first reaction hadn't been hurt. Beck was lost in a similar memory string as he had a goofy smile on his face, the same smile that Andre had often teased him about when he and Jade had first started going out.

Shaking himself from his thoughts, he grabbed his wash bag and headed off to the restroom to get changed one final time; he did a small sniff just once more to be certain the vinegar was all gone. He returned as Emma was leaving and the nurse gave him a kind smile as she passed. Jade was snuggled down in the sheets, but Beck could see straight away she wasn't comfortable. He toed off his shoes and grabbed their latest book, The Canterville Ghost by Oscar Wilde, and fitted himself into the small gap on the mattress that had become his spot in the last few days. While Jade moved to accommodate him, she didn't immediately turn into him once he'd settled. Usually she would re-position herself straight away with either her arm or her head laying on him but now she remained tense.

Beck squashed his concerns down as best he could, determined to act as though nothing was wrong. He had to let Jade come through some things on her own, it was wrong to push if she wasn't ready and, based on her actions throughout the evening, she definitely wasn't ready yet. He began reading, trying to resist the urge to let his eyes flicker over to her between every other line.

Beck had been reading for a solid forty minutes when he realised Jade was no closer to falling asleep than she had been when he started. Whatever was bothering her evidently not going away. He paused in his reading, at the end of the latest chapter and beginning to tire himself. He was careful not to make any different movement, waiting for Jade to react but she didn't; it appeared as though she hadn't even realised, he had stopped talking.

Beck turned his head slightly, and his eyes scanned her face, taking in the vacant expression and her slightly glassy eyes. His stomach twisted unpleasantly as he realised she'd zoned out again, completely this time. He swallowed, unsure how or even if he should be trying to bring her back to the present.

"Jade?" His voice was soft, trying to project a sense of calm towards the girl lying next to him, but she didn't even flinch. Beck bit his lip, resigned to the fact that is she hadn't heard him reading, she wouldn't suddenly recognise his voice. He twisted so he could replace the book on the cabinet, toying with the idea of turning the overhead lamp off but settling for just directing the beam away from them to reduce the brightness. He turned back to Jade's still unmoving form and carefully took her phone from her lap, so it wouldn't fall in the night. He slowly rearranged himself around her, so he was holding her like normal, still a little disappointed when even that produced no reaction. It was as his arm settled across her waist, he felt something crinkle at his movement. To his surprise, his hand closed around a screwed-up sheet of paper. Frowning he brought it closer, intent on finding out what he was before a sense of foreboding stopped him. He remembered Jade had been writing something just as he had arrived with Cat, obviously whatever was on the paper in his hands, but he also remembered her hastily stashing it with their entrance. Beck bit his lip.

Should he open it?

It was obvious Jade intended the contents to be private, but it seemed likely it would have the answers as to what had led to her current state. An overwhelming need to know had Beck halfway to unfolding the paper before another thought slammed on the brakes.

Jade needed to be able to trust him.

So many of her issues stemmed from problems with trust, with her ability to trust. Deep down, Beck knew if he opened the paper, he was throwing that away, whether she found out or not. With what felt like a herculean effort, he recrumpled the edge he'd lifted and gently leaned over her to replace the paper. Jade was still unresponsive, but he settled his arm in a slightly different place, ensuring the paper wouldn't be disturbed again. Beck resigned himself to be content to just hold her and wait until her brain set her free from her thoughts.

* * *

The first thing Jade was aware of was the light had changed. It was now extremely dim throughout the room, the one light angled up the wall behind the bed leaving the rest of the room cast in shadow. The second was the weight that was settled across her stomach. For once, it was an external weight which was confirmed to be Beck's arm; meaning the warm weight against her side was also Beck, unless she was completely mistaken. Jade blinked a few times, her eyes feeling dry and sore as she tried to acclimate to the reduced light. She shifted her head slightly to look at Beck who was fast asleep, head half resting on her shoulder and mouth slightly open. When did Beck fall asleep? No, wait, when did Beck even get into bed with her? Jade found she couldn't recall anything past Cat leaving. Anxiousness spiked as she realised the likelihood that she had simply been asleep was rapidly diminishing. She wracked her brain, trying desperately to think about what had happened, even trying to recall her own thoughts but she came up empty.

Her heart sank as she realised, she must have been out of it for a while. The familiar frustration started to well inside her, but Jade tried hard to bat it away. With everything she had learned in the past few days about PTSD symptoms, she supposed she should have expected something like this to happen after the news she had received that morning. Still, it didn't stop her from hating the 'diagnosis' and everything it brought with it, including the overriding worry that she would never be able to handle normal life again. She shifted uncomfortably, not wanting to go back down that thought path just yet. Her fingers flexed searching for the familiar comfort of her foam ball but found nothing but sheets, and more sheets and paper?

Jade's arm stretched as far as it could to allow her to grasp the crumpled paper that Beck had so carefully replaced earlier. She brought it closer to her face, studying it as she tried to remember what she'd written on it. She knew she had been writing on it, but she couldn't think of what it was. She briefly debated un-scrunching it but decided it was too much effort for the late hour; it was definitely a two-handed job or an incredibly fiddly one-handed job and, with her arm still held in a sling, Jade couldn't be bothered with either. She flicked the paper from her hand, frowning slightly as it missed the end of the mattress and hit the floor.

Deciding to ignore it, Jade closed her eyes and took a deep breath in, letting out as slowly as she had practised with Lane. Once again, she was awaiting a sense of calm, or clarity or anything that was an improvement on her current state and again she was disappointed. She huffed out a sigh, her eyes snapping back open to stare at the dimly lit wall opposite. It was then she became aware that the weight on her stomach had changed ever so slightly, that Beck's arm wasn't as relaxed as it had been. She focused for a second, listening to his quiet breathing which had been slow and steady.

"Beck I know you're awake."

"No, you don't." His reply was quiet and sleepy, but Jade raised an eyebrow as she stared at his still shut eyes.

"Asleep people don't talk, and they breathe slower than normal."

"Alright, you got me, I'm not really asleep."

"Then why are you pretending? And open your goddamn eyes!"

Beck's eyes fluttered open, meeting Jade's gaze immediately as he tilted his head upwards from its position on her shoulder.

"I haven't been awake for long, but I felt you moving and didn't want to intrude if you needed some time."

As far as excuses went, Jade had to concede that was a good one.

"Well thanks, but I haven't been doing anything other than not sleeping apparently."

"You were gone for a long time, you know, zoned out."

"Yeah." Jade still felt a reluctance to talk about it, still felt the urge to squash it down deep and pretend it wasn't there.

"Anything you do want to talk about?" Beck prodded carefully, he could see the conflict in her eyes bright as day, which was ironic given the dim light of their surroundings. When Jade bit her lip, he felt his own stomach sink. He shifted himself further up the bed and gently manoeuvred himself close to Jade, wrapping both arms around her, bringing one hand up to guide her head to his shoulder; a mirror of his earlier position. Jade's body remained stiff for only a few seconds before she let herself relax into his embrace. Beck couldn't deny he felt relief at her movement, but he didn't lower his hand, using it to gently stroke her hair in what he hoped was a soothing gesture. It took almost a full minute before Jade started speaking.

"Lane said the hospital are looking to discharge me on Wednesday."

"That's a good thing isn't it?" Beck was playing dumb on purpose, immediately sensing the problem up ahead.

"I thought I'd want to be out of here as soon as possible but now I have to move in with him."

"Do you have to?"

"I can't go back to the house." Jade blurted out. "I mean, I just can't even-"

"Okay, I get it." Beck soothed. "But you could always come stay with me." His words were tentative, but he'd been thinking about this a lot in the last few days. Jade's reaction was immediate, her body tensed in shock and she looked up at him. His hand stilled in her hair.

"You're serious?"

"Yeah, I don't know how all the legalities would work but if you want to?"

Jade paused, temporarily thrown by Beck's offer and feeling like her brain had just been put inside a blender. Beck resumed his stroking, now gently untangling the ends of her hair with his fingers as he reached them, giving Jade time to think it through.

Jade's mind was racing. The thought of staying with Beck hadn't even occurred to her – what would his parent's think? Still, she supposed the RV was his to do what he wanted with. Would her father care? Probably not if the past 8 years were any indication but, there was something else holding Jade back from immediate agreement with his suggestion. They had only just got back together. Sure, things were going alright but this was hardly a normal situation. They'd had long talks about the fact they were too dependent on each other and Jade was now certain that living in each other's pockets had only driven them closer to the break-up. Wouldn't moving in with him now just be setting them up to repeat history?

There was something else in Jade's mind as well, something that reminded her that she had no idea who she was anymore. If she was ever going to get back that sense of self, could she really do it just by picking up the threads of her old self? Still, it was so tempting to simply agree with him and remove any trace of her father from her mind but, Jade knew she had to try to be wiser, no matter how much it sucked.

"I don't think that will work." Beck's hand stilled again before moving from her hair altogether. Jade used her good arm to prop herself up enough so that she was on the same eye level as Beck.

"It means more than I can probably make you understand that you'd ask but, I think I'd be moving backwards if we did."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, come on Beck, we know half our issues from before were because we were together all the time; hell, I was almost completely dependent on you and I can't go back to that."

Beck felt his insides freeze.

"But the other day, we talked, and I thought we were-" He cut off, no longer wanting to say the slightly childish words in case he was completely off the mark.

"We did, but we also said we'd do things differently."

Beck tried not to let the hurt bleed through too much as he realised Jade did have a valid point. Still, she was actually choosing her father over him? That did sting.

"It's not that I want to stay with him, but I need to give myself a chance to see if I can do this. Do you understand?" It was like she could read his mind and, grudgingly, Beck knew that what she was saying made sense.

"I get it." His hand resumed its original motion and Jade wasn't ashamed to admit that she felt a pang of relief at his words. She settled her head back into the space on his shoulder and closed her eyes for a moment.

"Have you spoken to him?" Beck's words broke the silence as he realised, he may have missed out on a great deal by going to school.

"No, Lane called me this afternoon to say he's coming by tomorrow or that'll be today now I guess." The phone conversation itself had been short, and Jade had been quite pleased that she'd managed to hold it together; blowing off Lane's obvious concern with a feigned disinterest. She wasn't sure exactly how much he had believed but it was enough that he had left her alone for the rest of the afternoon and apparently hadn't felt the need to tell Beck either.

"And this is what's been playing on your mind all day?"

"Yeah, I still don't want to talk to him and how do we go from being virtual strangers to living with each other?"

"Can't they let you stay here for a few more days?" Beck was mostly joking but he found he was still very uncomfortable with the thought of Jade having to live with the arrogant jackass he'd been confronted with in her bedroom.

"Doubt it, not that I want to, but I also want to – fuck this makes no sense." It made even less sense to Jade now as to why she'd declined Beck's offer.

"It makes a little sense." Beck started timidly, careful to sidestep the fact she had just turned down a potential solution.

"If you think about it, even though you don't like it here you have a routine and you know what's happening, moving in with your father, or even with me or back to the other house, will change all of that."

As Beck spoke, he thought he was beginning to understand Jade better than before. He was once again reminded of the enormity of what had happened to her and the mess, she was still in. It was easy to forget about it to some extent, to minimise it in his mind while they were in the safety and comfort of the hospital. He'd turned his attention to her specific issues, worrying about lots of small things but pushing back the over-arching issues that had led her here.

"I wish you knew how strong you are." The words slipped out before Beck could stop them, but Jade didn't really react. It was a beat before her mumbled response.

"I don't feel strong."

"You will one day, you'll look back at this and realise just how much you dealt with and then you'll know."

It was oddly profound for Beck, but Jade took some comfort in his words. Oddly enough it wasn't at the idea she was strong, instead simply the reference to the fact that there would be a 'one day' for her, that there was a future for her.

Beck didn't let it worry him when she didn't say anything further, content to keep holding her until she eventually fell asleep or morning came.

* * *

Beck always found it odd that mornings that followed important events or profound discoveries dawned just the same as any other. He knew it was a fanciful idea, that the dawn would change to reflect the majesty of some event or happening, but it was something he enjoyed happening in films and books. However, throughout his life and the many dawns he'd seen, spanning beautiful sunrises to unremarkable clouds, from immense storms to continuous drizzle, Beck could never really say that any of them looked different to any other dawn of the same type. It was one of those moments where life really wouldn't imitate art. Take this morning for example, he felt like Jade had reached a small epiphany in the early hours of the morning, and he knew he had; wasn't that worthy of some fanfare with the breaking dawn? Instead the day began with overcast with clouds and a high humidity which signalled summer was well and truly on the way.

He was disappointed when he found Jade was already awake but, between her usual issues sleeping and the impending arrival of her father, Beck had half-expected it. Jade felt distant again, but Beck let her keep the distance, breaking it only to give her good hand a squeeze as he kissed her cheek before getting out of the bed and off to get changed.

Jade didn't know how much sleep she'd ended up getting, it seemed all she could remember was staring at the wall and later the gaps between the blind and the window as the light increased outside. She'd spent a long time listening to Beck's steady breathing, taking an odd comfort in the steady repetition of the quiet noises. In the cold light of day, she was rethinking her decision to stay with her father; it was taking all her conviction not to backtrack like mad, not to retreat to the safest option.

She barely paid Emma any attention as she came in to get her changed and though her physio; as a result, she missed the looks shared between her and Beck at her apparent apathy. The whole morning felt like she was moving through glue and her appetite had once again disappeared as her breakfast was placed in-front of her. She tried to eat some, if only to keep Beck from worrying but every mouthful got stuck in her throat. After the second time she nearly brought the mouthful back up, Beck moved the tray away and replaced it with a cup of fruit tea. Jade was grateful, she really was but she couldn't seem to find the words to say so.

Beck spent the entire time watching Jade, trying to maintain his distance as he worried that she'd slipped back into the person she was right after the incident. He knew this meeting would be a big deal, given that the two times her father had been in previously had both gone pretty badly, although admittedly the second had been slightly better.

"Do you want me to stay? When he gets here?" Beck had to ask, he wanted this to be as smooth as possible for Jade.

"I think Lane will be here."

"Okay." He reached out and placed his hand on top of hers, clenched over the blue foam ball. In truth, he thought he wouldn't be of any help as his instincts were still recommending that he punch the man on sight. While Jade would probably find that somewhat amusing, it was hardly the best way to start a conversation.

"Talk to me about something." Jade's quiet plea broke the tense silence as she turned her head to look at Beck.

"I read an interesting article yesterday about whether bootlegging shows is actually instrumental in bringing people to the arts who wouldn't have the opportunity to enter them normally, so a big reason cited was if they couldn't afford to."

He wasn't sure if he had actually managed to pique Jade's interest, but she looked like she was listening, leading to Beck rambling on for just over half an hour over what was actually quite a short article to distract her. For Jade, it did the trick. Listening to Beck discuss the finer points of copyright against a backdrop of societal disadvantage was just enough to take the edge of her own thoughts. At least it was, until the door opened to reveal both Lane and her father.

The atmosphere in the room immediately became tense and uncomfortable. Beck's words died out in the middle of his sentence as he noticed the newcomers and the sudden tension in Jade's body.

"Morning Jade, morning Beck!"

For what it was worth, Lane tried to breeze through the tension by acting as though there was nothing different to usual, striding with a forced casualness across the room to Jade's bedside. Mr West lingered just inside the doorway.

"Hey Lane." Beck tried to offer a jovial greeting, but it just came out tense. Jade's hand twitched under his, she was firmly refusing to look in her father's direction.

"I know we are quite early, I did plan for this to be later, but your father has to be at the office pretty soon."

Lane was trying to convey to Jade that this wasn't what he had planned, that he had hoped he would manage to talk to Jade before her father arrived. However, he'd woken up to an email from Mr West stating that he had urgent business that couldn't be moved so he would be going to the hospital early to see Jade. Lane didn't know whether or not this was an attempt to speak to Jade without him present; he found it difficult to get a read off the man.

Still, he didn't miss the clench in Beck's jaw at the mention of Mr West's need to return promptly to the office. Jade didn't react but she looked reminiscent of the girl he'd seen the week prior, someone who had retreated as far inside of herself as she possibly could. Mr West had pulled his phone out, his uncomfortableness at the entire situation requiring a distraction.

"Are you happy to talk to him here or would you rather we all go somewhere else?" Lane lowered his voice, trying to make Jade as comfortable as he could.

"Here is fine."

Jade didn't think it would make one bit of difference where she was, it wasn't like she had a choice anyway. She could see him out of the corner of her eye, swapping his weight between his feet as he tapped away on his phone.

"You still happy for me to go?" Beck's voice was even quieter than Lane's, not wanting her father to overhear although he wasn't certain why.

Jade paused before she answered, looking at him as though she was debating her answer one last time.

"Yeah"

"Alright then, I'll be back in a bit."

He'd half risen from the chair when Jade spoke again.

"Beck? Don't go far."

"I'll be right outside." He promised, a little thrown by the obvious vulnerability in her voice; it didn't stop him from glaring at Mr West as he passed him on his way out.

At Beck's leave, Mr West turned his attention back to the room and finally approached the bed with his daughter in. This time, Jade didn't look away instead surveying him as he approached. Lane retreated to the other side of the bed, half-leaning against the wall in the hope that Mr West would take the cue and sit in the now unoccupied chair. He did and a tense silence fell between the three; Lane didn't want to break it, hoping that Mr West would make the much needed first move.

"How are you feeling?" It was brusque but at least it broke the quiet, and Lane could work with that.

"Fine." Jade didn't want to tell him anything, a stubborn petulance rising up inside her but, she knew that she wouldn't gain anything by being outright rude to him; as she tried to remind herself, he didn't care enough for her attitude to have any effect. Lane was looking at her intensely, so much so she wasn't sure he was even aware of it, but she could almost guess what he was thinking.

"Better than before." She knew she'd done the right thing when Lane's face relaxed, ever so slightly.

"I'm glad." Her father's words were stilted but they didn't seem insincere "Your counsellor tells me they want to discharge you tomorrow?"

Jade nodded briefly and Lane chose this moment to interject.

"They're very pleased with your physical recovery, I had a call with Dr Griffiths yesterday evening and she's happy that you can continue with physio at home; they'll want you in for check-ups in the outpatient clinic."

"What about her head?" Her father's question irked Jade as he suddenly was talking across her instead of to her, but she bit the inside of her cheek, preventing her from retaliating.

"I believe they'll be some more medication for a few weeks, but Dr Griffiths will discuss that with you Jade." Lane said, pointedly looking at Jade who suddenly had a newfound respect for the counsellor. Mr West also seemed to take the hint and didn't question him any further.

"Are you still happy to come and live at my house?" His words were no less stilted than before and, honestly, he wasn't sure whether he wanted her to have changed her mind or not.

Jade had to hold herself back from snorting, as 'happy' didn't come into it for her at all.

"Yes, as long as it's still okay with you?" She floated the idea out there, unsure if she was actually hoping he'd withdraw his offer and turn her down or whether she wanted more reassurance. She hated that she wanted anything from him at all.

"Of course."

The conversation came to an abrupt end, neither one of them sure what to say to the other and Lane became the uncomfortable observer.

"Jade, you should probably start thinking about things you need to have from the other house." Lane was careful not to include a reference to her mother, the situation was emotional enough for the time being.

"I can arrange to have things delivered if you do not want to go yourself, or if you don't want to send your boyfriend." He threw a look towards the closed door where they knew Beck was sitting quietly on the other side.

Jade was surprised by his offer, including his reference to Beck; why would he assume that she'd send Beck?

"Thanks." It was about all she could muster, still not inclined to believe the show of generosity from a man who she associated with the complete opposite.

"It's going to be a difficult transition period for both of you." Lane started, keen to push them both a little further towards being somewhat comfortable in each other's presence. "Jade, is there anything you need from your father?"

Personally, Jade thought that was a rather loaded question. Her gut response was that a parental figure for the last eight years would be a good starting point but again she bit back the retort, reminding herself to detach; he wasn't worth it. She shrugged in response and Lane let out a quiet sigh.

"Mr West, do you have anything you want to discuss?"

"What happens to your sessions while she's with me?"

Jade blinked, surprised that she hadn't thought to ask that to Lane before.

"All the time she's on rest from home I will come by the house, as long as that's permissible, and then we will move them to my office once Jade is well enough to return to school."

Jade inwardly cringed at the thought of mandated therapy sessions in his office with the entire school wandering past at any given point, but that was a problem for another day.

Mr West nodded his agreement and the quiet fell once again. Jade was still massively uncomfortable with the idea and this conversation had yet to help her at all. How was she going to live with someone who not only did she barely know, but someone she was supposed to know as she was directly related to him? At least if she was moving in with some anonymous flatmate there wouldn't be any pressure to get to know them, unless that was what her father was thinking would happen? She could barely remember the big house he owned but maybe it was large enough for two people to coexist in without having to interact that much. That thought should have made her feel better but, for some reason, it didn't. At least she'd still have Beck. Wait, would she?

"Beck stays." Jade blurted out the words without thinking and Mr West paused. He didn't like her boyfriend, and he was sure the feeling was mutual. What's more, the thought of having yet another constant presence in his house that he didn't know was enough to set his teeth on edge.

"I don't really think that's appropriate."

"Since when were you so concerned about appropriate?" Jade didn't hold back this time, indignant at her father's refusal and fighting a small sliver of panic at the thought of having suddenly having no Beck to talk to.

"Jade-" Lane started but Jade interrupted him.

"No, if he was actually concerned about 'appropriateness' then this probably wouldn't have happened. Since when was it appropriate to leave your barely teen-aged daughter alone with a doped-up mother?" Jade couldn't stop herself, now lashing out with the intent to wound as the deep-seated anger at her whole life bubbled to the surface once more.

Mr West looked somewhat abashed before it gave way to an anger of his own.

"And you're going to hold this over me for the rest of my life, are you? Use it to try and guilt me so you can get your way?"

Jade's eyes flashed; did he really think that was what it was about? Her getting her way like some spoilt child? She opened her mouth to fight fire with fire, but Lane interrupted.

"Okay, why don't we all just take a breath; arguing isn't going to get us anywhere."

Jade closed her mouth but glared at her father who refused to break his own gaze.

"Mr West, I understand why you're against the idea of your teenage daughter's boyfriend coming and staying some nights at your house but, he has been a great and consistent support to Jade over the last week and I would seriously advise against removing that now."

Mr West looked like he swallowed a lemon at Lane's words, but he didn't say anything further. Jade was again filled with affection for the counsellor but, he wasn't completely finished yet.

"Equally, while Beck's presence has been near constant for you Jade, he will be in and out of school and I'm sure his parents will also want him home once they return this weekend."

Jade felt more annoyed than anxious as Lane managed to touch a still raw nerve, the nerve where everyone seemed to think she couldn't survive without him.

"We aren't joined at the hip." She snapped, well aware of the blatant hypocrisy in her words as they might as well be some days. "It's like you said, he's the one person who I can actually count on."

Her words were once again designed to wound, and she knew they much have had some effect as her father shifted uncomfortably.

Lane was surprised but encouraged by her unusual level of honesty, not something he would expect in-front of her father.

"I'm sure we can reach some agreement which suits everyone."

That was clearly the best they were going to get out of Mr West, so Lane let it slide, it was progress after all.

"Great, in that case I think the only other things to discuss our minor details which we can accommodate for once the medical team have given the final greenlight today."

"There is one other thing, actually." Mr West turned his full attention to Jade, angling his body to match his face. "The funeral."

Jade felt like someone had trodden on her chest as all the air seemed to suddenly leave her lungs in one swift movement. She blinked.

"Funeral?"

"Yes, Amanda's body has been released by the state and any funeral arrangements now have to be decided upon."

Lane frowned, annoyed that he was unaware that Mr West was going to choose now to mention this.

"As you know, you are the only close family apart from a few distant cousins down in Florida. I was only kept informed as your legal guardian."

Jade still felt like her lungs were being squeezed and her vision was starting to tunnel. A funeral? Did abusive drug addicts even get funerals? Her gut was telling her no, but a voice was still shouting that it was her mother and how could she not want her to have a funeral? Even Mr West noticed that Jade was very rapidly checking out of the conversation and backed off.

"No decisions have to be made immediately but it is something we need to discuss soon."

Jade managed a nod as she tried furiously to convince her lungs to open up just a little more.

"If that's everything then?" Lane had not expected that he would be the one to try and end the conversation, but he knew Jade would be at her limit. He was seriously unimpressed by her father but kept his face neutral as he saw Mr West to the door.

"If you need anything, you can call the office and they'll put you through." Mr West called out to Jade, a guilt settling in his chest as he saw her transform from angry to almost absent at the mention of Amanda. Jade turned her head towards him, regarding him almost as a stranger before nodding briefly. He said his goodbyes to Lane and ignored Beck as he walked purposefully down the corridor.

* * *

With the door still shut, Lane let out a long sigh to Beck's dismay.

"Was it that bad?"

Lane jumped, having temporarily forgotten that Beck was sitting right outside the door.

"I'm not actually telling you this, but that man has all the emotional sensitivity of a saucepan."

Beck winced; it must be bad if Lane was blurting out home truths.

"Is Jade feeling any better about the whole thing?"

"I'm not sure, I think there might have been some movement but the two of them are complete strangers; she's not out of the woods yet."

"I'm going to go sit with her." Beck rose from his seat, but Lane put a hand out to stop him.

"He brought up her mother's funeral just before leaving." Beck's eyes grew wide with surprise, quickly replaced by an anger.

"I know, I know." Lane spoke quickly to head off the heated tirade he was certain Beck was about to unleash. "Like I said, a saucepan. I don't want this to set Jade back more than it has to so I'm going to give her half an hour or so and then the normal routine will carry on." Beck looked at him, quizzically.

"We'll go for breakfast and our session while you do schoolwork and then we return to the room for lunch and I'll go back to campus – as long as she doesn't deteriorate." Lane clarified.

"You think that'll work."

"Right now, I think consistency is the most important thing in helping her maintain her ability to deal with this."

Beck nodded his agreement.

"Okay, I get it; I can sit with her now, right?"

"Yeah, just try and keep things as normal as possible."

"Nothing about this is normal." While it wasn't exactly helpful, Lane was inclined to agree with Beck. He watched the teenager disappear back into the room before digging his own phone out as he walked off in search of Dr Griffiths.

* * *

Jade didn't acknowledge Beck's return to the room, but he hadn't really been expecting her to. He settled back into the chair at an angle so he could still see Jade, but she wouldn't feel as though he was staring at her. She looked a little vacant but not completely blank, nonetheless Beck still wasn't sure what was going on inside her head. He'd resigned himself to thirty minutes of silence which is why was surprised when barely five minutes after he sat down, Jade spoke.

"Do you think she deserves a funeral?"

Beck was now glad Lane had chosen to share the contents of the conversation otherwise the question would have completely thrown him. As it was, he wasn't sure he had an answer for her. As someone who cared about Jade a great deal, his gut instinct was to say no, absolutely not; but things were rarely that simple.

"I honestly don't know Jade. Do you want there to be a funeral?" Jade gave a one arm shrug, a movement that was becoming all too frequent in Beck's mind.

"I'm not sure what the point would be – who'd turn up anyway?" Jade was back to squeezing the foam ball, but her movements were slower and more considered as she chewed over her thoughts one by one.

"Not her work colleagues as she was just fired, maybe some coke head friends if they sobered up long enough to realise that she has disappeared." Jade then snorted "Maybe her dealer as a mourner of his best customer."

Her words were suddenly filled with a venom that Beck had rarely heard from Jade. It frightened him a little and he couldn't help but think maybe this wasn't the most useful exercise.

"Would you go?" Beck asked, careful to avoid asking if she wanted to go as he knew the answer would be no.

"I've asked myself that several times now, but I still don't know." Jade admitted, the anger draining from her tone to be replaced with a confusion.

"She nearly killed me; she was abusive for years before that so why should I?"

Beck said nothing, privately agreeing with Jade but not wanting to sway her opinion.

"But, despite all of that crap, it doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel right either way; it's fucking pathetic." Jade lashed out, throwing the ball across the room at the same wall as before. It made a soft thud on impact, but Beck supressed a reflexive wince at the movement.

For a moment, the only sound in the room was Jade's heavy breathing. Gingerly, Beck turned to her and was surprised to see a lone tear had leaked out of the corner of her eye. He didn't know how many times your heart could, but Beck was sure it was always once more than he thought it was.

"Jade." He started softly, getting up to move towards her with his arms already half open.

"Don't." It was harsh but Beck stilled, understanding that she just couldn't deal with him at that moment. Instead he walked over to retrieve the ball, returning it gently to her bedside. Jade looked furious and Beck had a feeling it wasn't just at her mother.

"How can she still make me feel like this?" Jade ground out "She's dead and she's still trying to ruin my life."

Beck tentatively reached out his hand to grasp hers. She didn't shake him off.

"It should be so easy." Her words were almost a whisper now, more to herself than to him.

"No, it shouldn't Jade." Beck matched her tone, his eyes bleeding sympathy for the position she was in. "She was your mother, of course it's going to be difficult."

More silence but no more tears fell from Jade. Her face was still taut, somewhere between anguish and anger, Beck gently smoothed his thumb over the back of her hand, trying to bring her some comfort.

"I really hate this."

"I know."

There was nothing Beck could say that would make it any easier for Jade, so he sat holding her hand, content to stay put for as long as she needed him. He'd hold her hand forever if she asked.

Jade was fighting desperately to hang on to reality, fighting against the darkness threatening to engulf her. The whole world suddenly felt foreign to her again, like a stranger in her own skin.

_In for three, hold for three, out for four. _

_In for three, hold for three, out for four. _

As she breathed, as she struggled against the turmoil inside her, she found herself focusing in on the warm, slightly sweaty hand in hers; holding it as one would an anchor in a storm.

* * *

**Okay, this was going to be published yesterday but I wrote myself into a small ****plot hole. Anyway hole has been patched and I ended up writing an extra 2000 words, making this my longest chapter yet! If you made it to the end, congratulations! And thanks for reading it all :)**

**As always, all mistakes are my own. Thank you to everyone who reviewed, do keep letting me know what you think!**


	30. Chapter 30

Jade sat on the edge of the bed, exhaustion filling her that was out of proportion given it was only just turning midday. Her therapy session with Lane had not gone well, almost two hours of the conversation going in endless circles; even Lane had seemed defeated by the time he called it quits. Now she was waiting on a visit from Dr Griffiths to confirm her impending release while Beck was making the short trip to the cafeteria to get himself something for lunch; Jade had once again lost her appetite for her own lunch. It wasn't that she wasn't hungry, it was just as though her thoughts were too heavy in her mind for there to be room to think about eating. It was a welcome distraction when Dr Griffiths entered the room, clipboard in hand and a no-nonsense demeanour that Jade had grown to appreciate more than she realised.

"How are you feeling today Jade?"

Jade was certain she'd started to grow immune to that question. The question that only a week ago had set her teeth on edge, that had filled her with an almost violent impulse towards the asker but now it just passed her by with little more than a flicker of irritation.

"Alright I guess." Jade had long since learned there was no point in ignoring the question, it only made the whole process more drawn out. She had tried answering with the truth, the truth being that she didn't know, but that only seemed to invite more interference. A vague statement which was genuine enough to pass muster while positive enough that it deflected too much additional concern was the middle ground she'd discovered.

"How have the headaches been? Better or worse than last time I saw you?"

"Better." This wasn't a total lie; the headaches had been getting much less frequent and although they were still very painful when they did occur. Jade suspected the headaches were now less to do with the surgery and damage to her head when she fell and more to do with the lack of sleep she was now battling.

"Your medication chart looks quite bare." Dr Griffiths frowned unsure as to whether her patient had simply been refusing additional painkillers or whether she genuinely didn't require them; the Doctor suspected it was more likely to be the former. Still, she'd circle back to that.

Dr Griffiths meticulously inspected the surgery site and then the second stitched cut before assessing her shoulder. Overall, it seemed like good news.

"The incision is ready for the staples to be taken out, I'll let the nurse know and they can be removed this afternoon." Dr Griffiths allowed herself a small smile "By leaving them in a little longer it has improved the binding of the skin, in another 4 weeks it should be fully healed. You need to be careful going forward not to submerge it for any length of time in water and be careful while brushing your hair; no heat or strong chemicals for at least the next six weeks to be safe."

"But I've been showering?"

"Showering is fine as it is limited exposure to water, just continue to be careful not to disturb the skin as it will be delicate while it fuses together."

Jade nodded, somewhat intrigued by the visual of her skin fusing itself together.

"The stiches on the smaller cut have dissolved completely, still use some caution but within a week the scar will have started to fade back."

This didn't really matter to Jade; her hair was still thick and for the most part the cut was already obscured by her hair. She'd only seen it properly when her hair was wet and therefore clumped together.

"Emma is happy with the speed of your shoulder recovery, the physio is working well but you need to keep it up every morning and every evening, ideally you'll also start adding in some of the exercises throughout the day with your hand to prevent muscle wastage."

Jade blinked; it was a lot of information to take in. Dr Griffith's noticed her somewhat lost expression and further clarified,

"You'll be given a detailed leaflet and Emma will speak to you about it as well."

Jade relaxed somewhat; she didn't think she would have been able to remember it all even if she tried.

"We will have you back here as an outpatient once a week for a check-up for the next few weeks, we should be able to combine a physio appointment with a monitoring of your surgical incision."

"So, I am going to leave tomorrow?"

Dr Griffiths smiled, assuming Jade was asking as she was anxious to leave the hospital.

"Yes, I think so, I'm happy enough with where you are in your recovery to discharge you."

Jade didn't respond, taking a moment as she tried to absorb the information. She did feel some relief, the cabin fever was becoming unbearable, but there was still a part of her that had been quietly hoping something else would come up. Something that might mean she had to stay a little longer.

Dr Griffiths watched her with interest, slightly thrown off by her total lack of reaction to the news. It served as a reminder that there was one other thing they still had to discuss.

"There is one condition to your release."

Jade's head snapped up, a small frown knitting her eyebrows together.

"Your medication chart shows that you have not been taking anything beyond that which has been directly prescribed." Her no-nonsense tone was back, the professional façade now firmly in place.

"At the moment, I'm reasonably satisfied that this is mostly genuine but, in light of this, I will be adding to your prescription that you will take away with you."

Jade's frown deepened.

"I'm adding a different painkiller that you can take for your headaches, it is stronger than over-the-counter pain relief and specifically targeted for pressure headaches; I expect you to take it when the pain goes above a 7 on a scale of 1-10."

Jade's lips twitched, as though she was holding back from saying something, which didn't go unnoticed by Dr Griffiths.

"On a scale of 1-10, where 10 is unbearable and 1 is a mild pain, a '7' is when the pain starts to become disabling and you are unable to carry out normal tasks. Have you been having headaches that would meet that description?"

Jade waited a moment before nodding somewhat reluctantly.

"Not all of them."

Dr Griffiths seemed to accept this as the truth.

"No, not all of them will be, but if you are experiencing pain that is stopping you from participating in daily life and not treating, it will severely impact your recovery in all areas."

Jade nodded again, slightly chastised as she thought about all the wakings in the middle of the night she'd experienced where she had just laid as still as possible hoping that at some point the pain would break.

"The other medication is an optional sleeping pill."

"I don't need it."

This time there was no hesitation in Jade's voice; she didn't want anything that put her to sleep, that took away her control over her own body. Dr Griffiths held up her hand to stop Jade from saying anything further.

"Hear me out, it's based off of an anti-histamine and there has been no link to addictive or dependency behaviours. You do not have to take it every night, or even every other night but you should take it when needed; sleep deprivation can be debilitating long term."

'What happens if I can't sleep every night?'

Jade bit her lip to stop her thoughts spilling out; it would only encourage further questioning. She already knew she wasn't going to take it. Quite frankly, she didn't give a damn what scientific studies said, anything could be addictive if you got hooked on the feeling and she wasn't going to end up like her mother.

"I've spoken with your counsellor and he agrees this is the best option, it gives you control over when and if you take it."

'Yeah, until you all decide I'm too crazy to make my own decisions.' Jade thought bitterly, unwilling to be drawn into further conversation. She gave a half nod and then let herself pretend to become distracted by swinging her socked foot, so it dusted the floor.

"Your first prescription will be dropped off by a Nurse and updated at each outpatient appointment. It will include information on which medicine is which and when you should be taking them. If you have any problems in the meantime you can contact me directly by calling the main switchboard."

Jade nodded again, still not looking up. Dr Griffiths resigned herself to the fact she would probably not get much more out of the young woman in-front of her. She was reasonably satisfied that Jade would follow her instructions, no matter how reluctantly.

"In that case, I'll see you in about a week at your first out-patient appointment. Take care Jade."

"Thanks." Jade muttered although it wasn't entirely sarcastic. She almost wanted to say more to the Doctor, but she couldn't think of the words.

No sooner had Dr Griffiths left the room was Beck walking back in clutching a brown paper bag and a cup of hot water.

"Everything okay?" He didn't expect to find Jade still perched on the side of the bed, in exactly the same position as when he'd left.

"Yeah, she was just giving me a check-up."

Her words did nothing to assuage Beck's concerns as he noted her disinterested tone and blank face.

"All good?"

"So, she says."

"But you disagree?"

Beck was well aware he might be pushing it a bit too far, but Lane's earlier advice had stuck in his head; treat it like a normal day. Jade simultaneously realised she'd said too much without realising but she couldn't take it back now. It was something she was sure she both loved and hated about the new place her relationship with Beck was in now; knew so much now, it was too easy to talk to him about things she would rather not talk about at all. She bit down on her lip, worrying it with her teeth.

Beck ignored her lack of response, quietly confident she'd talk in her time, and set about retrieving the last of the tea bags from her box to drop into the water. He placed it within Jade's reach on the table and then toed of his shoes to lift himself up onto the bed next to her, sitting just close enough so their knees were touching but without crowding her.

"I don't think I know what 'okay' is anymore."

Beck stayed quiet.

"Sure, my head hurts less, and I can move my fingers with less pain; big whoop."

Beck bit back a small smile at her familiar sarcasm.

"But I can't fucking sleep half the time, sometimes my head hurts so badly l want to vomit, I hate being here but for some reason I don't want to leave either and-" Jade stops suddenly, forcing herself to take a deep breath.

"And?" Beck prompted gently.

"And my brain still feels like a complete mess." The anger was gone from her voice, now sounding like a lost child.

Beck reached his arm out and gently draped it around the small of her back, somewhat restricted by the fact he was closest to her broken shoulder. He ran his thumb up and down a small patch of skin over her t-shirt, trying to offer some comfort.

"I know it doesn't seem like it, but you are doing better."

"How do you figure that?"

"Because this time last week you could barely articulate what you felt like, it was like you were hiding in a shell."

"That doesn't sound like a bad idea at the moment."

"As long as it's big enough for two." He gave her a gentle squeeze and Jade tucked her head into him for a moment, allowing herself to relax in the familiarity that was Beck. It was only as she felt her back start to stiffen from the odd angle, she righted herself and reached for the cup, taking herself by surprise as she realised she actually wanted the fruit-flavoured beverage.

"We're going to have to get some more of those, that was the last one."

"Maybe they have something slightly less sweet?" As much as the drink had grown on her, it was occasionally overpowering.

"Hold up, is Jade West actually admitting she likes fruit tea?" Beck ribbed her playfully and was rewarded with a familiar dark scowl.

"It's only until I'm allowed coffee again."

"Did they say when?" Just like that, the mood flipped, and the momentary humour vanished.

"When I start functioning like a normal person and sleeping eight hours a night."

"It'll happen Jade, you've just got to give it time."

"How much time?" That was the question Jade really wanted answered above all others. Everyone kept saying 'give it time' like it was a soothing catch-all. Lane had said it, Emma, Dr Griffiths and even Beck but how long was 'time'? How long could this carry on for?

"As long as it takes."

"That's a really dumb answer." She tried to inject some humour again, but it fell flat and Beck pulled her closer again.

"I know."

It was another afternoon that seemed to pass Jade by without really realising it. Emma came and went without much fanfare; she was given a leaflet on physio that Beck had busied himself reading as they went through the exercises. Before Jade knew it, the sky was turning golden and she'd spent most of the afternoon caught in a daze, having half-watched some more of the '80s television show re-run with Beck in an attempt to stay present as her mind fought to send her back to the darkness. It was successful a few times as Jade realised the next episode had started without her remembering the end of the previous one, but each time she managed not to linger for too long. Her mother's snarling face was swimming around her head, stopping her from shutting her eyes in case that was all she could see. She fought hard to stay awake, even as Beck's own eyes were drooping as he persevered with his theatre history essay, too afraid to think about what she might see if she let herself fall asleep. It was only when her evening meal arrived that she finally managed to snap out of her headspace enough to try and have a meaningful conversation with Beck.

"What's your essay about?" Well, somewhat meaningful.

Beck managed to ramble on about his essay for a solid twenty minutes, suspicious that Jade was more interested in a distraction than what his essay was actually debating. She nodded in mostly the right places, a few non-comitial noises here and there but he could see her heart wasn't really in it. She kept glancing out the window as the sun finally dipped below the horizon.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Huh?" Jade confirmed his suspicions that she had in fact, tuned him out in favour of staring at the sunset.

"Your mother, or whatever has been with you this afternoon I mean, I'm guessing it's the funeral thing." Beck winced as he made his way clumsily through the sentence but, to his relief, Jade didn't lash out.

"Tried that with Lane this morning and it didn't work."

"You could try again, I may not have Lane's expertise, but I promise not to ask you how something makes you feel."

Jade managed a faint smile at that although her face had adopted a troubled expression. She wasn't sure talking about it would help seeing as it hadn't so far but yet, Beck was right; he wasn't Lane. Jade let out a resigned sigh, trying to bring herself together enough to get her thoughts into actual words.

"I don't know how to remember her."

Beck stayed quiet, fighting the want to insist Jade simply forgets her as she was an abusive addict who ruined her life; of course, it wasn't nearly that simple.

"We had almost no relationship for so long, and the last year was… particularly bad." Jade's pause fuelled Beck's suspicions that she was downplaying how bad it had been although whether it was for her benefit or his own, he wasn't sure.

"And the more I think of her behaviour before the divorce, the more I'm realising just how fucked up she always was; the addiction didn't suddenly become a thing after they separated."

Jade was realising more and more how she'd built a largely unfounded narrative in her head, about her mother's problems were a result of the deterioration of her marriage, exacerbated at the time of the divorce but she could always remember her parents arguing. When Lane had asked her what came to her mind when she thought of her childhood, the first thing to pop into her head was the arguing, followed by the loneliness she used to feel.

"But that should make _him_ the good parent." Jade's voice quivered slightly but she gritted her teeth in retaliation. She was so sick of feeling weak.

"And I have almost no good memories of him but there are a few of her and it's so fucking confusing."

"Good memories?" Beck couldn't help himself, but Jade didn't seem to mind the interruption.

"Sort of, maybe they aren't good to other people but, at the time" Jade trailed off, seemingly lost in thought again.

"Like what?"

"Sometimes, after they fought, she'd come upstairs to get me out and we'd have an ice-cream party on the floor."

"Get you out?"

Jade's cheeks coloured and she refused to look Beck in the eye, suddenly ashamed.

"When they were fighting, I used to hide under my bed."

Beck swallowed hard, fighting his own emotions as he could see in his mind's eye a small pale child with long brown hair, hiding under her bed with her hands clamped over her ears.

'_Ice cream reminds me of my childhood.'_

He'd brushed it off when she said it the first time, assuming it was more for dramatic effect than anything else but now he felt like he had been punched.

"How pathetic is it that?" Jade was getting angry again now. "My good memory is of her _sometimes_ coming to comfort be after arguing with him for hours with strawberry fucking ice cream."

Beck had to agree with Jade, it was hardly the stuff happy childhoods should be made of.

"But I still can't bring myself to make a decision, and I don't understand why." Just like that, the anger had receded, replaced by a hurt and a confusion that made Beck want to hold her as tightly as he could. Instead he tried to clear his head, he was no use to Jade wrapped up in his own emotions, this wasn't about him anyway.

"Maybe it's a closure thing?"

"What do you mean?"

When she'd been talking, or at least attempting to talk through it with Lane in the morning, he had suggested that she wasn't ready to let go of all her negative emotions, to which she's snapped at him as to whether he would have been able to if he was in her position. If that was what Beck was suggesting she might throw something again.

"When Papi William died, we all found out by a phone call from my aunt. Obviously, Mom was in bits as he was her father and Dad was really emotional too, but I didn't know what to do, or what to feel; I felt lost until the funeral when I actually said goodbye."

Jade looked at him, watching as he held back the sadness in his eyes. She understood what Beck was saying but Beck had loved his grandfather, although she felt it crass to say it out loud. As always, Beck picked up on the unspoken words.

"I know it's different between you and her." He was careful to imitate Jade's current way of referring to her mother, unsure as to whether she was doing it consciously or not. "But maybe you need to get closure in some way."

"What, like going to see the body?"

Beck recoiled instantly, he had memories of his grandfather's open casket and at nine years old, he could remember being thoroughly creeped out and the man who seemed like a poor imitation of his grandfather. Goodness knows what her mother would look like, unprepared for presentation and having died from a drug overdose.

"Not necessarily, but maybe something before her body is, well, disposed of."

"I wonder if she'll go in the family plot." The way Jade said it was almost absentminded, as though this hadn't occurred to her before.

"There's a family plot?"

"On her side, but she fell out with my Grandad when she got married, but they must have made up at some point as he let her live in the house." Jade was suddenly very matter of fact, but Beck was confused.

"You've lost me."

"As far as I know, there was an issue with credit or something when they bought the house when they were first married, my grandad helped them out by releasing some money from the inheritance early but he didn't like my father, so the house was tied up until I turn 21 so it couldn't be sold."

"You didn't know him, did you?"

"Not that I remember, I think I was three, maybe four when he died but I know the Stevensons' had a family plot where they were all buried, somewhere out in Santa Monica." Jade snorted at her own story.

"Apparently he wanted them all to be buried where he made his wealth."

Beck nodded, feeling unsettled that this seemed like the most he'd ever leant about Jade's family in on go, the familiar feeling of guilt quietly stabbing away once again.

"Maybe that's what we should find out next, if there is anything that has to happen and then go from there?"

"It doesn't help make the decision."

"It might, once a plan is made it might make it more real."

Jade didn't say anything, not wanting to ruin Beck's efforts at trying to help, but her whole problem at the moment was everything was far too real and there was no escaping any of it. They fell back into silence for a while before Beck suggested they get sorted for bed. It was only once she was settled down against Beck, listened to his quiet voice detail the climax of The Canterville Ghost that she finally realised what was still eating away at her. Beck was right, it was a closure issue but not quite the same as he had thought. Her mother had died without leaving any note behind as her death was accidental, she'd been dead before Jade probably even woke up in the hospital and that meant Jade had no right of reply. She couldn't ask her anything, couldn't scream at her like she wanted to, couldn't shout until she was hoarse or until her mother caved and answered her questions, questions she so desperately wanted answered. Why had she pushed her down the stairs? Was it really an accident or did she just want her out of the way? If it was an accident, why did she leave her there to die? Did she ever love Jade at all?

Beck's voice had faded to all but a faint buzz in the background as question after question rocketed around her mind, filling her with a hunger for answers that was met only with an equal frustration that she'd never get them. She'd never know what her mother's intentions were, what her motives were, whether the drugs were a habit that got out of control or whether she chose that path to escape her life and her daughter. It was also the end of a very small, very childlike hope that one day she would snap out it, that one day she might just be her mom again. Jade suddenly felt the loss like she'd not felt it before, like a great chasm had opened up inside of her and was swallowing her from the inside out. Amanda West was never coming back and the last conversation they'd ever shared had been filled with hate. Jade's whole body quivered as she felt tears springing back to her eyes. She was furious at the tears; furious she was still wasting them on someone who didn't deserve them, but someone she couldn't seem to let go of. In that moment, she hated herself as much as hated her mother.

Beck stopped reading as he felt Jade's body shake but his question died on his lips as he saw the glow of lamp bouncing off of the moisture on her cheeks. Wordlessly, he closed the book and moved it aside before putting his remaining arm around her, to hold her as she fought against the tears.

* * *

Beck almost breathed a sigh of relief when his phone beeped, signalling it was 7am. The night had been long, with Jade struggling to stay asleep as she fell in and out of nightmares that she just couldn't tell him about. He had settled for passing glasses of water when she was awake and encouraging her to drink. Twice, he'd insisted she got up to the bathroom to splash water on her face, but nothing seemed to work. He had no doubt the events of the previous day had brought this on, and he knew it was not a good start to what was already going to be a challenging day. He glanced down at figure, now curled away from him facing towards the window, eyes wide open but blank. He twisted and pressed a kiss to the top of her head, lingering for a few seconds in the hope of bringing her out of her head.

"Hey." Her voice croaked, whether from tiredness or lack of use, Beck couldn't be sure. She'd barely said anything all night outside of the nightmares.

"Hey" He lifted his lips slightly, so they were barely brushing her hair but didn't want to withdraw completely, relishing the closeness to her.

"Think we better get started on the day?"

"I guess." While Beck wasn't expecting any real degree of enthusiasm from her, Jade's blatant apathy still managed to worry him. After the events of the day before, he was seriously concerned how Jade was going to cope moving into her father's house. He was immeasurably glad that he was able to be with her today, although he knew he was expected in school on Thursday, for his second day of the week. He'd thought long and hard about appealing it, even skirted around the topic when he'd been texting his mom, but she'd put her foot down the minute she realised. Grudgingly, Beck knew she and his Dad had been more than flexible already and, despite the general dislike of Jade, had been firmly fighting in his (and therefore Jade's) corner with the school. Beck was determined that today would go as well as it possibly could; he wasn't going to be abandoning Jade in a strange house for anything.

He pulled away slightly, moving off the bed while surreptitiously checking to make sure Jade was actually getting up to. Her movements were slow, her shoulder obviously giving her more trouble than normal and Beck was certain it was because of the poor sleep; he'd been doing a lot of readings concerning the injury recovery and sleep was the number one thing mentioned across everything he'd laid his hands on.

Beck managed to muddle through their morning routine, trying to stay upbeat without over doing it lest Jade get annoyed with him. As it was, Jade was too distracted to really take much notice, although she did stare at him when he was slightly too enthusiastic at the arrival of her breakfast tray. Both of them kept glancing at the clock, knowing Lane would be along soon with Jade's father. The time seemed to both run too fast and too slow as Beck packed Jade's bag; Jade had protested this, but Beck had won when he pointed out she couldn't really do much one handed. He was just zipping up the bag when Lane walked through the door, followed by Emma who had a pharmacy bag in her hand.

"Good morning you two."

"Hey!"

Beck's exuberance didn't escape Lane who raised an eyebrow before shaking it off.

"All set Jade?" Jade hadn't acknowledged his presence at all but looked up at her name and gave a brief nod.

"I've got your medication Jade." Emma stepped forward "I know Dr Griffiths has been through it all with you but there is another information sheet in there that tells you when to take each one."

"Thanks." Jade reached out her hand to take it, much to Beck's surprise although he was trying carefully to look as busy as possible.

"I probably won't see you again as your out-patient appointments will be managed by Dr Griffiths or one of her team, so I just wanted to wish you well with the rest of your recovery." She then lowered her voice slightly.

"I know you've got a long way to go but I have absolutely no doubts that will get there."

Jade blinked in surprise.

"Uh, thanks and thanks for, you know." Jade gestured awkwardly but Emma seemed to understand, offering her a warm smile as she said her final goodbyes to Lane and left. Jade felt more than a bit awkward, her thanks must have seemed the opposite of sincere but for some reason the words wouldn't come easily to her; her brain still in a fog from the lack of sleep.

"Jade did you hear what I said?"

Her head snapped up, genuinely surprised Lane had even been talking, let alone to her.

"Your father has a car waiting outside for you."

"He's not here?"

"No, he's at his office although apparently his housekeeper will be waiting at the house."

Lane kept his expression determinedly neutral, but Beck could see straight away that the counsellor was once again disapproving of Jade's father. Beck was in two minds, as while he agreed it was a shitty move from her father (although he wasn't remotely surprised), he thought it might be easier to get Jade settled without him looming over the entire experience.

If Jade was surprised or hurt, she didn't let it show, simply getting to her feet and glaring at the wheelchair that Lane pushed towards her.

"No."

"Jade, it's hospital procedure."

"I don't care, I've managed perfectly fine the last two days without it."

"Jade-"

"No." Her voice was firm enough that Beck didn't even try to intervene, instead swapping the bags so they were arranged over his opposite shoulder so Jade could hold onto his arm if needed. Slowly, the trio left the room and walked down the corridor.

"I'll be signing your discharge papers, but we will forgo a session today as you've got enough on for now; I'll be by the house tomorrow at 10am and we will carry on as normal."

"Still every day?"

"Yes, for now I think that's best."

To Beck, discharging Jade seemed all too simple for the length and intensity of the visit. As he thought about everything that had happened within the hospital walls, everything Jade had been through, everything he'd been through, it seemed weird that all it took was two signatures and she could just walk out. The sunlight was intense already, causing Jade to wince just as a sleek Tesla pulled up in-front of them.

"Mr Brooks?" The window slid down revealing a man dressed in a smart suit.

"Mr Alexander, Ms West?"

"Yes, that's us."

The man jumped out and moved to take the bag off of Beck.

"I'm Mr Brooks, your father has arranged for me to take you to his house." The introduction was redundant, and Jade didn't bother replying.

"Thanks, we're glad you could be spared." Beck attempted to make conversation out of politeness.

"It's no trouble, my company provides executive transport to select firms in throughout Los Angeles and Gage Whitney Pace is one of those firms."

Beck nodded, choosing not to say anything further at the risk of being accidentally rude.

"Right, if you need me in the meantime you can both reach me on my cell." Lane looked both of them in the eye, suddenly apprehensive about leaving the two teens alone outside of the safe confines of the hospital. Jade nodded and Beck added his own thanks.

"Okay, then I'll see you tomorrow at the house Jade, and Beck, I'll see you at school." He gave Beck a firm stare.

"Yes, I haven't forgotten Lane, I promise."

"Alright then, you best be going."

As Jade slid into the expensive leather seats, she felt her stomach unsettle; nothing felt right. Her eyes took a moment to adjust to the darkened interior, coated windows preventing the sunlight from penetrating all the way through. The car even smelt new, a mix of leather and some sort of citrus scent that reminded Jade of the hospital cleaner. As the car pulled away, Beck took her free hand in his, giving it a gentle squeeze. Jade looked at him, green eyes meeting brown.

"Hey."

"Hey." Her reply was flat, her eyes betraying the disquiet she felt.

"It's going to be okay Jade."

Jade didn't answer, instead turning slightly to look out the tinted window as they joined the LA traffic. She wanted to believe Beck; she really did but, at that moment, 'okay' seemed completely impossible.

* * *

**I cannot believe we are on chapter 30! This chapter is a little shorter but it's an important chapter for Jade, and therefore quite an introspective one for her. We are firmly over half way through although I'm still not sure how many chapters this will end up being... **

**Anyway, a really big thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter (and who has reviewed and been reading so far.). I can honestly say I never would have got this far without all the support. Thanks for sticking with it and I'll see you all on the next chapter. **


	31. Chapter 31

Vera Moore had been more than a little perplexed when her one of her clients had rung not 24 hours earlier to discuss a complete change of her contract and offer a substantial pay rise along with it. Indeed, she had not let the surprise at such a seemingly out-of-the-blue request overwhelm her for long and she had rung back within the hour to confirm her acceptance of the change in terms. She had only one other client who was relatively unbothered that she wouldn't be returning, announcing that they had plans to sell up soon anyway. Vera counted herself lucky that her housekeeping and cleaning business was more a way to keep herself busy and out of retirement and she wasn't actually dependent on the income at all; still, Mr West was one of the more unusual clients she'd taken on over the years.

She'd been hired as a housekeeper with a few extra duties which included a basic weekly food shop, but he hardly seemed to be home to use it; when he was, he seemed to favour food delivery services over cooking. On a few occasions, she had taken pity on him and cooked a simple soup or stew and left it in the fridge for him, a product of a mostly dormant maternal instinct that she couldn't quite shake. Afterall, he was one of her most unproblematic clients as the house was always found tidy when she arrived, as though it had barely been lived in week to week, and she rarely saw Mr West himself and was never asked for anything outside of her the duties outlined in her initial contract.

She'd worked for him for almost three years now but was genuinely shocked at his announcement that he'd be needing her to visit the house every day as his daughter was moving in with him; there was almost nothing around the house to suggest he even had a daughter. The only inkling was a small, framed photo of a tiny baby in a pink blanket that sat in the corner of his study. Vera had initially assumed it was his daughter but later decided it was probably a niece or cousin as no child, or evidence of a child, had ever appeared. Mr West had been short on the details but from what she understood, the girl's homecoming was not going to be a pleasant one having recently lost her mother in an accident.

Vera had been even more surprised when she arrived to give the guest room a thorough preparation to see the changes in décor, having been previously under the impression that Mr West didn't even notice such things as the house had clearly remained unchanged since he moved into it. Everything was kept clean and things like paint refreshed but there was no 'personal touch', at least not what Vera considered to be personal anyway. It wasn't just the new décor, it was the very bold choices of a black wall that really caught her off-guard, wondering how he'd come to choose black of all colours. Vera knew she was bit old-fashioned in her own décor choices but surely so much black was an odd colour in a house where the overall colour scheme was very, well, beige.

The sound of a car door shutting brought Vera out of her thoughts and she belatedly realised she didn't know his daughter's name. Vera frowned as she tried to remember whether or not she'd actually been told or whether her age was getting to her on this one. Still puzzling the issue over in her mind, Vera opened the door to greet her boss's daughter.

* * *

Jade tried not to focus on the house in-front of her as she clambered out of the car; as it was, trying to get out of car with a broken shoulder was difficult enough to take up most of her attention. With more than a little effort, she was finally standing looking at the figure standing in the open doorway who she didn't recognise. Beck followed her gaze only to frown, he'd harboured a small hope that maybe her father would have changed his mind and be waiting at the house; he may not like the man but he really wanted Jade to have a chance at a relationship with her one remaining parent. Mr Brooks gathered the bags out of the boot, leaving Beck free to help Jade but she shook him off straight away. Beck wanted to protest but he swallowed it, unsure what he would actually gain from it at this point. He kept close to Jade as she shuffled toward the open door, her expression a practised blankness.

"Hello there!" Vera greeted the two as they approached the doorway, standing back to let them through.

"Uh, hi." Beck's response was stilted, unsure as to who he was even talking to. His first, slightly horrified, thought was that Mr West had remarried but before his brain could wrap itself in the implications of this for Jade, the woman spoke again.

"I'm Vera, I'm Mr West's housekeeper." She held out her hand and Beck shook it, a wave of relief spreading rapidly through him.

"Nice to meet you Vera, I'm Beck and this is Jade." Jade had yet to say anything and didn't take Vera's offered hand although it didn't seem to bother the housekeeper.

Vera went to take some of the bags from the waiting Mr Brooks but Beck intercepted her and gathered them himself, his usual politeness reasserting itself.

"As I'm sure you know, your father is at work for now, but he asked me to help get you settled in." Vera was now looking expectantly at Jade who still had yet to really react to the woman. Her eyes were roaming over the interior of the entrance hall, almost squinting in the brightness as the skylights allowed sunbeams to bounce off of the walls.

"That's great, thank you." Beck interjected upon realising Jade wasn't going to say anything. He nodded to Vera to indicate she could continue, and Vera allowed herself a moment of confusion before carrying on.

"I hope you're okay with stairs as your room is on the second level." Vera started leading them up the stairs, but Jade took a moment to start to move. Beck gently placed his hand on the small of her back to guide her forward, only to be pleased when she didn't shake him off straight away.

"I'll be in every morning to clean and tidy up, I also do some of the food shopping, so you'll have to let me know what you like and what you don't; I even do some cooking on occasion as well."

Vera chatted away as Jade and Beck slowly climbed the staircase, slightly disconcerted by the lack of engagement from her employer's daughter. She was rapidly realising that there was more to the story than the details she had already been privy too. Of course, losing your mother suddenly had to be traumatic but the girl's sling suggested she had been injured recently too, perhaps in the same accident. Vera knew she shouldn't pry but there was more than one thing about the situation that didn't make sense to her.

"Have you worked for Mr West long?" Beck attempted to prevent an awkward silence settling in.

"About three years now but I work more hours now than I used to."

Beck nodded, struggling to come up with a response but was saved by their arrival on the mezzanine level.

Jade looked around somewhat curiously, unable to miss the change in colour and furnishings from the previous floor.

"This is a small living area for you, although there is still the main room downstairs, but your father doesn't tend to use it that much; I think that's why he redecorated this one." Vera was almost talking more to herself now but for the first time it seemed as though Jade was actually listening to her.

"It's smaller but I prefer the view up here and of course, the balcony is a lovely extension to the area." Vera walked over to the half open door and showed them where the key was, the light switches for both indoors and outdoors. Jade faded out again, but Beck almost overcompensated in trying to show he was engaged so as to not put Jade under pressure.

Vera led the pair up the next few stairs to the left and into Jade's room, Beck swallowed apprehensively. The room had clearly also been redecorated as the smell of paint betrayed its newness. It was still quite empty, but the décor had a nice effect on the room overall. He looked over at Jade, unsurprised to see she was also paying close attention to her new surroundings, her eyes lingering on the large black wall. As with the living area, Vera walked around pointing out various features and things Jade might want to know. Jade seemed to be trying to listen a little more closely than before as Vera showed her the pully system for the blinds, the shade curtain covering and how to get the large windows to shut securely.

"Right, I'll let you get settled in then, if you need anything, I'll be right downstairs."

"Thanks." Jade's voice took Vera by surprised, but she didn't let it show for long.

"You're welcome my dear."

After Vera had left, it took a moment for either of them to move. Beck stayed still simply watching Jade as Jade tried her best to take in her surroundings some more. Eventually, Beck decided to break the stalemate.

"It's not exactly what I expected."

Jade shook her head in agreement before lowering herself gingerly onto the edge of the bed. Beck moved to deposit her bag next to her, before unzipping it to start sorting through it.

"Maybe he was trying to make you feel more at home?" he offered.

"That's not exactly his style."

"Well, no." Beck conceded "But, he obviously thought about what you might like."

It was still hard for Beck to try and be positive about Mr West, especially to Jade, but he was slightly encouraged by her room as it seemed possible that he had really thought about it. He supposed her father had paid more attention than he realised when he'd been in her room at her mother's house; something Jade still didn't know anything about.

It didn't take long to store Jade's few items of clothing in the wardrobe and he began scattering the other bits around; the small cuddly bat getting pride of place in the centre of the bed which caused Jade to raise an eyebrow.

"What? He can't sit on the floor, can he?"

"He?" Jade was incredulous.

"Looks like a boy to me."

This time Jade did roll her eyes which pulled a smile to Beck's face before he could stop it.

"I'm going to go check out the bathroom, want to come?" He had her wash bag in one hand and his other half stretched towards her.

"Not right now."

"Okay." He didn't manage to keep the disappointment out of his tone completely and immediately felt guilty. He was trying hard not to put pressure on her to do anything, but it was hard when he was sure that doing nothing would only slow her recovery.

* * *

With Beck gone, Jade tried to steady her breathing; a constant battle since they'd pulled up the drive. She'd been working hard to not let the struggle show, not wanting to give Beck more of a reason to fuss than he already had. She felt a bit mean thinking that, as she knew Beck only wanted to help her but there were still times where she found it stifling, and right now was one of those times. She turned her attention to the view out the window, an almost panoramic view over the city and beyond to a small strip of dark blue ocean. She squeezed the ball in her pocket rhythmically, letting it match her exhales as she pulled it out.

_In for three, hold for three, out for four. _

Even through her leggings, she could feel the luxuriousness of the duvet. It was probably filled with something expensive, some type of down but it was lacking the silky-smooth cover her old sheets had. A sharp jap of pain hit her as the image of her trashed room swum before her eyes.

_In for three, hold for three, out for four. _

Her eyes had shut momentarily but she forced them back open, the picturesque view struggling to remain in focus as her surroundings took on an almost shiny quality. She could feel the hairs on her arm prickling as her heart started to beat faster. She could hear her blood rushing by her ears, swearing she could feel her heart as it tried to beat out of her chest.

_In for three, hold for three, out for four. _

Even her exhale was shaky as the weight returned full force to her lungs. The smell of paint surrounded her, almost as though it was smothering her.

_In for three, hold for three – _

The ball slipped from between her fingers, causing a dull thump as it hit the hardwood. Panic rippled through her as she tried to reach for the ball but only succeeded in causing pain to slice through her broken shoulder joint. She swallowed hard, the smell of paint now sickening as it invaded her senses.

'Come on, get a hold of yourself.' She was trying to be kind to herself, trying to be mindful of Lane's advice but it was so damn hard when her brain seemed to fight her every step of the way.

_In for three, hold for three, out for four. _

She went to stoop again for the ball but changed her mind at the last moment, instead propelling herself forward and off of the bed. Jade staggered forward towards the vast window, her legs shaky at the sudden demand to hold her weight. She put her hand on one of the thin frames to stop herself from toppling any further.

_In for three, hold for three, out for four. _

_Open the damn window._

She grappled with the locking mechanism, her fingers less cooperative than usual as she tried to twist the lock and remove the catch. It felt like hours before a tell-tale click and sudden movement announced her success as the entire panel swung open and a warm breeze blew in. Jade paused, moving her hand back to the thin frame to support her weight.

_In for three, hold for three, out for four. _

This time she allowed her eyes to shut as she let the breeze wash over her. There was something light and a little sweet mixed up in it but it wasn't overpowering like the paint smell, that was thankfully fading fast with the new ventilation. Jade started a new mantra in her head.

'See, everything's fine, you just got all worked up over nothing. It's time to calm down.'

It wasn't perfect but slowly she felt her breathing start to slow down, her heart felt like it was settling back into her rib cage. She rocked backwards, letting her legs take over her weight and straightened her body, although not wanting to leave the window entirely. The warmth from the late morning sun was strangely comforting.

"Jade?"

Beck had re-entered the room and was slightly alarmed at Jade's sudden appearance by the now open window. Beck tried not to frown, after all she wasn't an invalid, but there was something that look unsafe about the way she was balancing by an open floor to ceiling window.

"Everything alright?"

"I was just getting some air."

Beck had the feeling there was more to it than that but chose not to say anything, walking over to join her instead.

"These are some pretty impressive windows; I've never seen something this big able to open this much."

Jade gave a one arm shrug, turning her head to look at him.

"The middle panel doesn't open, just the sides." Her voice was slightly breathless, and Beck could see evidence of a sheen of sweat across her forehead despite her face looking quite pale.

"Jade, what's going on?"

"Nothing, it was just a little warm in here and it was … hard to breathe."

Beck felt his insides twist unpleasantly at her words. He'd assumed she would still suffer these types of attacks but a small part of him had been clinging to the hope that a change of scenery would help. They'd barely even been there an hour.

He reached out to where her hand was still lightly braced on the window frame and covered it with his own, stroking the back of it before taking it in his and moving it away.

"Let's go sit in the other room, it's actually quite nice." Beck wasn't able to keep the surprise out of his voice. Honestly, he had no idea what to expect from Mr West's house but so far it was much better than whatever he had been imagining. Jade didn't resist his gentle tug but didn't allow him to do any more than hold her hand, she actively resisted letting him guide her or support her in any way.

They sat down on the sectional closest to the open sliding door that led onto the balcony deck, just out of reach of the light organza curtain that was buffeting gently in the breeze. Jade found herself snuggling into Beck's side of her own accord, something passing through her body which made her yearn for close contact, specifically Beck's. Beck had no objections to this and stretched his arm over her shoulders and rested his head lightly on top of hers.

"Better than the hospital?" The question was quiet and unassuming, but Jade took a moment before answering.

Was it any better than the hospital? It was quieter and she liked that. The sofa was comfier than the hospital sheets and she liked that. There was more freedom to move and she definitely liked that, but her mind still wasn't made up. Her thoughts wandered to the stranger downstairs who she could just about hear sounds of her pottering about, there was the absence of the man whose house she was in, the man who she'd have to talk to at some point despite having almost no interest in it. Then there was the fact that the change of venue did nothing to solve the big problems, the problems of what her life was even going to look like now, the problem of a funeral, the problem of an empty house not too far away that was full of nothing but ghosts.

In the end, Jade's answer was little more than a non-committal noise that came from the back of her throat.

* * *

They spent most of the morning curled up on the sofa with Jade showing no interest in moving. At the back of Beck's mind, his need to do schoolwork was gnawing away at him but he firmly pushed it away; he was unwilling to move and disrupt Jade while she looked somewhat comfortable. Instead the television had been flicked on, although for Jade it was more like background noise than anything, she actually paid attention to.

Vera had reappeared just before 1pm with a tray of food for the two of them, though she had joked not to expect it every day. The slightly sweet smell had caught Jade's attention as Beck had brought it over to her. It was a plain tomato soup but also the answer to what she had smelt on the breeze earlier that morning. To both her and Beck's surprise, her stomach had grumbled loudly as he placed it in-front of her and she'd managed to eat almost all of it before setting her spoon down; Beck tried to hide his smile at Jade eating food almost normally. When they'd been dating, they'd often tried out new food places. Beck was very much into trying new food and Jade was often more than happy to go along for the ride. They'd spent many weekends exploring back streets and pop-up food markets in downtown LA, sharing food cartons and trading kisses over a wide variety of cuisines and spices.

Beck took the tray with the empty bowls back down the stairs, pausing at the bottom as he realised, he didn't actually know where the kitchen was. In the end, he followed the quiet clattering and sound of running water only to find himself in an equally spacious, if rather bland kitchen.

"Oh, thank you Beck, saves me a trip up the stairs again!"

"It's no problem, the soup was delicious."

"I'm glad you like it, it was my grandmother's recipe and I like to think it's stood the test of time. It always makes so much in one batch so I've left some in the fridge for another day."

Beck smiled, finding himself warming to the smiling woman in-front of him.

"I'm going to the shops this afternoon, is there anything you have to add to my list."

"There are a few things Jade would probably like."

Vera pointed at a pad on the counter.

"Pop them on that and I'll see what I can do."

As he started to write, Vera paused in her washing up and studied him for a moment, trying to gauge whether now was a good time to try and gather a little more information on the situation at hand.

"So, are you moving in with Jade?"

Beck looked up before shaking his head.

"Not officially, I'll be coming and going; I won't create more work I promise." Beck was suddenly twinged with concern that Vera may object to a third member of the household.

"Oh, I'm not worried about that, it gives me a way to fill my day it's just Mr West was a bit short on the details. I get the feeling this has all been rather last minute." She let her statement linger for a second, hoping that the teenager would at least confirm her suspicions.

"Yeah, you could say that."

Vera could see Beck wasn't ready to share more than he had so she changed the topic.

"Well, just let me know if you are ever going to need the other guest bedroom made up."

Beck suddenly felt a heat rising to his cheeks.

"Oh, er, that won't be an issue."

"Ah, I see, we'll let me know if anything changes."

Beck nodded and tried not to look like he was bolting for the door as he made his escape. He wasn't usually easily embarrassed but he'd never really been confronted about the intimate nature of their relationship before, not by an adult anyway. His parents had been none too impressed at the implications but accepted that with his own RV and steady girlfriend, some things were inevitable. He knew Jade's mother hadn't looked on it favourably, but Jade had never really elaborated, and he had never been personally confronted by her. Now of course, he wondered what the true extent of her mother's feelings had been towards their relationship, but he resigned himself to the fact there were probably some things Jade would never tell him.

* * *

The afternoon passed in a bit of a blur as Beck finally cracked on with some of this rapidly mounting pile of schoolwork. Jade had shown a little interest in his work before settling back into the sofa cushions. She had, at one point, got up from the sofa to retrieve a pen and sheet of paper from her fluffy jacket pocket but after she had returned, she hadn't actually done anything with them. A few times he was worried she'd spaced out completely, but Beck was reasonably satisfied that she'd spent the time genuinely lost in her own thoughts as opposed to completely disengaged. He'd been almost optimistic when her eyes had shut, hoping that she would start making up some of the sleep she'd lost but barely twenty minutes later her eyes were open again.

Jade spent the afternoon feeling like she was moving through glue, despite spending most of it in the same position on the sofa. It was as though someone had pushed a slow-motion button and now everything was moving at a glacial pace; she was painfully aware of time passing as her eyes flitted to and from the digital time display on the bottom the wall-mounted television. She'd tried to do some of the though exercises Lane had given her, tried to rationalise her feelings but she didn't feel as though it had any real effect on her. She felt as though she were clinging on to her sanity by the very edge of her fingertips, so close to losing it but never quite letting go completely. She'd even tried to take a nap, but her body was still hyper aware of every little thing around it from the quiet rustle of the curtain to the scratching of Beck's pen or tapping of his fingers on the keys to his Pearbook.

Jade had spent what felt like an age analysing Beck and his movements. Was he resenting her for the disruption to his life? Was he frustrated that she wasn't getting better quickly? The familiar concern that he was only there out of guilt had returned to nip at her heels and Jade was torn between wanting to throw herself into Beck's arms and wanting to throw him out completely; one less thing to worry about. She'd been just seconds away from acting on an impulse, although which one she wasn't sure, when Beck had looked up and caught her eye, smiling at her. The effect was instantaneous and would have been unsettling were it not for the fact she couldn't discern one single negative emotion in his expression, no hidden agenda or bitterness just an ordinary smile; except in that moment, it might have been one of the most special smiles Jade had ever seen.

Her thoughts hadn't let up for long though, swapping back to her mother, the funeral and her father. Her eyes flicked back to the clock again. When was he going to be arriving at the house? Was he going to want to talk to her? Her skin prickled at the thought of their last encounter in the hospital. His attitude towards Beck staying with her, his insinuation that she was unreasonable to harbour anger at him over the situation with her mother. Jade was even doubting that now, was she being unreasonable? Was it her fault that her relationship with her father had deteriorated to the point where he couldn't care about her anymore? Jade wasn't sure.

It was 6:01 when both their heads turned towards the sound of a car breaking outside the house. Jade felt a flash of panic before squashing it down, letting her exterior harden in a practised move as she tried to convince herself she didn't care about him. Beck watched Jade, concern filling him as he watched her expression change.

"Hey, it's going to be alright."

* * *

Mr West paused in the porch of his front door. He scowled as he realised, he was anxious about entering his own house. He tried to physically shake off the feeling, but his hand remained stilled around the key, not moving to put it into the lock. He wasn't used to guests, especially guests who wouldn't be leaving after a few hours. He felt a twinge of guilt as he reminded himself that the 'guest' was his daughter and no matter how things were between them, she should rank differently in his head. Her boyfriend, who he assumed would also be present, was still fair game. He took a breath to gather himself and then pushed the key into the lock, forcing himself to move forward.

Things were not immediately different when he walked in, determinedly not looking up at the mezzanine level although he would have been hard pressed to see anything beyond the back of a sofa. He stowed his briefcase and coat as normal before turning to lock the door behind him. He walked into the kitchen and washed his hands before inspecting the contents of the fridge. Mrs Moore had left some soup, but he had a feeling he might not have been the sole intended recipient. On the adjacent counter there was a small bag of groceries with a sticky note bearing Jade's name which gave him pause. Curiosity getting the better of him, he opened the top of the bag to reveal several flavours of fruit tea bags, chocolate covered peanuts and a cartons of Ritz crackers. He didn't know what he'd expected to see but he was slightly disappointed that it hadn't really provided any further insight into his daughter. Still, how much could really be gleaned from groceries anyway.

Realising he'd now probably spent too much time ignoring the elephant in the house, he made his way back to the foyer, half-expecting that Jade would have come down by now to see him.

"Jade?" Her name almost got stuck in his throat as he called out; a name he was not used to calling, or even speaking out loud. There was a beat and then,

"Up here."

For a split second, he thought about demanding she come downstairs before thinking better of it; there had to be some compromise for this to work, right?

He made his way up the stairs, suit jacket and tie suddenly feeling tight. He normally would have loosened the tie and ditched the jacket by now but this evening he had clung to them for some reason.

The first thing that struck him as he walked into the room was how small Jade looked seated on the sofa. He hadn't noticed before, but she had inherited her mother's height, not helped by the clothes she was wearing that seemed to swamp her figure. He was so distracted that it took him a moment to even register Beck who was sitting only a short distance from her, watching Jade intently.

"Hello Jade."

"Hi"

"Beck." He acknowledged with a brief nod.

"Mr West." Beck's tone was low but not unfriendly.

Mr West suddenly felt extremely out of place in the room, as though he was intruding on their private space.

"Have you settled in okay? Mrs Moore showed you where everything is?"

Jade nodded, not trusting herself to speak again just yet.

"If you need anything, she can probably help you find it." He was aware he was perilously close to rambling, an affliction that he was usually, rarely associated with.

"I've got some work to do this evening, but I was thinking of ordering in, if you wanted to join? Both of you, that is." He hastened to add, meeting Beck's eyes briefly. Beck held his gaze for a second before turning to Jade whose own eyes were fixed somewhere just to the left of her father's head.

"Jade?" Beck prompted quietly. Jade turned her head towards him, he could see the mild panic behind her eyes and tried to convey reassurance from his own. Her eyes turned questioning, was Beck okay with the idea? He gave the slightest of nods and Jade turned towards her father, looking him in the eyes for the first time since his arrival.

"Okay."

"Good. Come down when you're ready."

Jade turned back to Beck after Mr West had disappeared down the stairs.

"That was unexpected." Her tone was steady but seemingly unimpressed.

"Maybe he's trying to make the effort, what with everything that's happened."

"I don't see why."

Indeed, Beck wanted to disagree with her but couldn't. This wasn't fitting the behaviours of the man he'd encountered in her house the week previously, or the one that had stormed out of her hospital room leaving her in a complete melt down the week prior to that.

"Well, what with the room and now dinner maybe he is making small steps?"

"I don't trust him." The words were uttered so smoothly, Beck didn't doubt them for a second. How could she trust this man after everything that had happened?

"You don't have to, not yet."

"Not ever." Her voice was firm even as her head swum. Was this what she had to look forward to now? Tense exchanges and awkward invitations to spend time with him? Pretending things were cordial and normal to mask the utter disaster that was their relationship? Without realising, her nails had dug into the sofa of her non-slinged hand, only coming to her attention when Beck shuffled closer to her, pulling her to him. She resisted almost as a matter of course but Beck was persistent and she soon relented, accepting his warmth if only for a moment.

* * *

They made their way downstairs shortly after. Beck had suggested they change and freshen-up but Jade had refused, convinced that it would fall into the category of trying too hard to impress him; a trap she had no wish to fall into again as the goal was an impossible one. Mr West had left the door to another living room open, this one looked onto the front driveway and was just as impersonal as the foyer. Beige couches with complementary double armchairs and a glass coffee table on the same white tile flooring that covered the whole of the downstairs. The furniture was so straight and ornaments sparse that the room honestly looked as though it wasn't ever used. The only evidence someone had been in the room at all was the stack of takeout menus in the middle of the coffee table, left out by Mr West.

Jade perched uncomfortably on the edge of one of the armchairs; she wouldn't have sat at all but she was still struggling to recover her energy levels fully and the day was turning into quite a long one. Beck hovered by her shoulder unsure as to what he should be doing, unsure as to what Jade needed from him at that moment. The tense silence was broken by Mr West who appeared in the doorway.

"I usually have the Chinese." His words were stilted and strained, as though he were having to force them out of his throat one by one.

"That'll be fine." Jade spoke without really wanting to but her desire to end the conversation before it went any further was stronger. Beck was already sorting through the menus to find the Chinese one, wasting no time in circling their usual order. He paused briefly to check with Jade, seeing as she wasn't eating normally at present, but she just shook her head. He made a few modifications before handing it to her father. Jade looked down at her fingernails, her chipped nail polish now a distant memory.

As Mr West left to call the order through, Beck tried to make the best of a bad situation.

"Come on, budge over."

Jade glared at him, but he wasn't cowed.

"If you don't, I'll sit on you."

"You wouldn't." Beck raised an eyebrow in a challenge, but Jade knew she had the upper hand as she indicated her sling.

"Fine, I'll just go sit by myself." He put on his best pathetic voice before taking a few exaggerated steps towards the other armchair. Jade rolled her eyes and huffed as she scooted over to one side, allowing Beck just enough room to squeeze next to her. He arranged his arms, so he had one wrapped around the small of her back, his hand resting on her thigh. It was reminiscent of a position they often used to find themselves in at school, although that was typically with two much smaller chairs pushed together. He played with her hand, trying to provide a distraction from whatever was going on inside her head; whatever it was, he was certain it wasn't pleasant.

They stayed that way for over thirty minutes until the doorbell sounded and shortly after Mr West appeared with food and a few plates, pausing only to direct a disapproving look at their seating arrangement. Beck resisted the urge to sort Jade's plate for her, only stopped as he imagined her fury at that level of fuss. As it was, she had only a small amount of rice on her plate with some vegetable stir-fry.

The only noise in the room was the sound of chopsticks hitting the plates and the occasional crunch as something was chewed. Beck almost missed the noisy clock from Jade's hospital room. Jade picked at her food, moving more of it around than she swallowed. Beck was trying not to spend his entire time staring at her, but he couldn't stop it any more than he could stop the resentment building towards Mr West. While he knew he was probably being a little irrational, he couldn't help but think if he hadn't asked them to eat together Jade might actually be eating properly right now instead of pushing her food around the plate. It was the anger that stopped him from being able to find a suitable topic of conversation, although Mr West didn't appear eager to draw either of them into a conversation as he barely lifted his eyes from his plate.

After fifteen excruciating minutes, Mr West finally broke the silence.

"Beck, I understand you will be going to school tomorrow." Beck jumped at being addressed so directly before fighting the narrowing of his eyebrows, wondering just what Jade's father was getting at.

"Yes, I need to be on campus for two days a week; tomorrow is my second day."

"And your parents are happy with this arrangement?" Jade was now also looking at her father, her expression cold.

"Yes, in fact it was mostly my Mom's idea." Jade turned to Beck, unable to hide her surprise. They hadn't really discussed his parents, really Jade hadn't even thought about them as Beck rarely brought them up.

Mr West seemed to chew this new information over as he took another mouthful of food. It seemed odd to him that parents would be willing to let their son miss school for his girlfriend, even in these circumstances.

"You don't have your truck."

The thought struck Jade suddenly causing her to speak before she even noticed she'd opened her mouth. Beck turned to her.

"Yeah it's still at the hospital, I'll get an uber in the morning and pick it up."

Mr West was even more unseated at this exchange; he struggled to understand why Beck wouldn't have just followed Jade in his own truck as now he'd created a bigger problem for himself. He watched the two as Beck reassured his daughter that it was fine there for the night, and parking costs wouldn't be that bad as he had purchased a week ticket. There was something about the exchange that set his teeth on edge but, at the same time, started to make him think he'd misjudged Beck slightly.

"What time will you be leaving?" He interjected, effectively halting their conversation and drawing another glare from his daughter.

"About 7:30."

"I'll arrange a car to get you back to your truck." Beck blinked in surprise.

"You don't have to do that." He said bluntly.

"It will be easier than getting an Uber at that time, consider it re-imbursement for some of the costs of the last week."

Beck felt his fist clench involuntarily.

"I don't need any re-imbursement." He fought not to raise his voice, but Mr West wasn't deterred.

"Regardless, it will be easier for me to organise, my company has a priority contract with the car firm."

His tone left no room for argument and, more for Jade's sake, Beck let it drop with a short 'thanks'. The remainder of the meal was eaten in silence but was mercifully short in comparison. Mr West finished first and stood up almost immediately.

"I'm going to finish my work for the evening. I'll be in my study. Good night."

Beck returned his sentiments while Jade simply nodded, her expression unreadable. As the door shut, Beck let out a sigh he hadn't realised he'd been holding in.

"Well that could have gone worse."

"Let's just go." The weariness in Jade's voice saddened him but he nodded, extricating himself from behind her before turning to help her up. He wanted to take some of Jade's uneaten food with them but figured she wasn't in the mood to finish it anyway. It didn't stop him from making a quick trip to the kitchen to dispose of the plates, shoving the remainder of the food into the fridge before grabbing the bag with Jade's name on.

By the time he arrived back upstairs, Jade had already changed into her nightclothes and was sitting on the edge of the bed again, staring into space as she clutched the foam ball tightly. Beck moved quietly around her, getting himself into his own sleeping clothes before turning down the duvet as far as he could. He left one of the floor lamps in the living area on, letting the warm glow filter under the door as he turned off the remaining lights and shut the blind but leaving the window open a crack.

"Come on, bedtime."

Jade followed his instructions wordlessly, burying herself under the duvet as Beck settled in next to her. He was still for a moment before realising his mistake and jumping out the side of the bed. Jade looked at him as he rounded the bed and crawled back in on the other side; his actions making sense as he pulled her towards him, her injured shoulder now on the opposite side to him.

"Do you think you'll sleep?"

"No."

"Do you want me to read?"

Jade didn't say anything, aware it was already getting late and Beck had to be in school the next day, but Beck saw right through her silence. He reached over to the nightstand where he'd placed their book earlier that day. He'd just settled back down in the duvet and was about to start reading when Jade turned upwards and covered his lips with her own. It was a short kiss that caught Beck entirely by surprise. He'd only just started to return it when she withdrew, still looking up at him quietly with the slightest of pink tinges colouring her cheeks before she spoke.

"Thanks."

Beck couldn't stop the small smile that spread onto his face, he leaned down and placed a brief kiss of his own before turning his attention back to the book and beginning to read.

Jade shut her eyes, letting his voice wash over her in the hope it would lead to some sleep. Her lips still tingled slightly but she had no regret over her actions. For all the maelstrom of emotions she was feeling, one of the ones she was sure of was her gratefulness that Beck was here with her, every step of the way.

* * *

**Okay, I know I'm late... only one day though - and I will always update once a week as I have since I started this fic, I promise. Unfortunately had some stuff this week that stopped me from doing the normal amount of writing during the week. Happy Birthday to the guest reviewer who said today is their ****birthday! **

**Still, here it is! I hope you enjoy it - Jade's learning to accept help from Beck but also to assert some of her own boundaries. Mr West is still busy doing his impression of a saucepan that speaks and Beck is just trying to do his best. **

**All mistakes are my own. Thanks to those who reviewed the last chapter, even if it's just a line it means a lot to read it. **


	32. Chapter 32

Jade's night was about as restful as she had predicted and, despite her best efforts, she'd managed to wake Beck up several times with her restless movements; even without her brain keeping her up, her shoulder had also been quite painful overnight. If looks could kill inanimate objects, Beck's phone would have been dead as it chimed to signal the start to Beck's day barely an hour after he'd gone back to sleep. Beck groaned quietly as his arm shot out to silence the obnoxiously cheerful music before turning back to face Jade who was looking at him, her expression pensive.

"Penny for your thoughts?"

Jade shook her head, brushing him off. Beck reached out and tucked a few strands of her hair back behind her ear that had fallen lose at her movement. He let his hand linger for a moment, aware of both the intimacy of the gesture and how natural it felt now; even more so than when they'd shared a smaller bed in the hospital.

"Did you get any more sleep at all?"

"A little."

Beck raised his eyebrows, scrutinising the white lie he was sure Jade had just told before deciding to let it go. He'd known that the last 24 hours would have been especially disruptive for her. He was hoping that now she was at her father's house, she had a better chance of getting a proper routine in. They'd had a routine in the hospital, but it had been defined mostly by the actions of others, the nursing staff and Lane in particular, whereas here they had more freedom.

"You should go shower." Her words were almost a whisper but managed to cut straight through his thoughts.

"Is that your way of telling me I smell?" Beck challenged teasingly to which Jade's own eyebrows raised.

"Well…"

Beck chuckled though his mock indignation, unable to his happiness at Jade's own attempt at teasing. There was still something missing, the familiar glint in her eye not quite there or a smirk that wasn't quite wide enough, but Beck took hope in the fact it was a step forward. With another, somewhat more dramatic groan, he tossed the covers to one side and rolled haphazardly out of the bed. He paused only to straighten the covers back out before sloping off in the direction of the upstairs bathroom.

Jade watched him go, almost envious that he had somewhere to go for the today, something to occupy his time. After another night of long periods being held hostage to her thoughts, the thought of a day spent doing the same was not remotely appealing. She heard the faint sound of running water as Beck turned the shower on, just on the other side of the living area. The thought of getting out of bed flitted across her mind but was quickly dismissed as something that would require too much energy; she buried deeper into the covers, desperate to feel some comfort in the plush bedding. An all too familiar sliver of disgust ran through her as she yearned for security in the blankets and the weakness it portrayed. Her thoughts took a dark turn as they took her right back to the brink of the staircase, holding her there upon the precipice of the fall but never quite letting her go. She could see it all again in flashes; her bag, the sunlight bouncing of the marble, her mother's snarl. It was like a wave rising up before her, threatening to overwhelm her and there was nothing she could do to stop her.

* * *

Beck felt marginally more awake as he stepped out the bathroom, running the towel through his hair one more time. It wasn't his usual styling, but he knew he had enough gel in his locker that he could make the best out of it. As he walked back into the bedroom, he was unsurprised to see Jade was almost exactly where he had left her, if slightly further down in the duvet but it was the glassy look in her eyes that caught his attention; her blank expression meaning only one thing.

"Jade?" His voice was soft, an attempt not to startle her if he managed to get her attention at all.

Jade was back on the cliff face but this time she could hear something other than waves crashing. The greens and blues around her weren't as defined and she couldn't quite tell where the sea ended, and the sky began. She could hear Beck's voice cutting through the howling wind, or was his voice the wind?

Nothing made sense to her anymore.

With a jolt she came back to herself, Beck's face swimming in-front of her, the concerned brown of his eyes searching her face as his hand cupped her cheek. She wanted to say something to him, but it was as though an invisible force was stopping her from moving, stopping her brain from sending the signals to allow the words to leave her mouth. She could see the naked concern on Beck's face, the pain in the back of his eyes as his own mouth opened to speak words she couldn't hear properly. Everything was muffled, as though someone had wrapped her head in cotton.

Beck watched her carefully, desperate for some sign that she was still in there somewhere. In his mind he was already clearing his schedule, he couldn't leave her like this. He wracked his brains to think of everything he'd read in the last week, anxious for something that would help them; help her. In a flash of inspiration, Beck suddenly backed off the bed lurching over to the cracked open window, throwing it wide open before approaching the other side of the bed. With much more care, he peeled the duvet back to Jade's ankles trying to bring about a temperature change; something he'd read could help when someone disassociated. He remembered the example being something about holding something of a specific temperature, but he wasn't about to leave the room to hunt for ice. Instead he perched on the edge of the bed, reaching over to take Jade's good hand in his own and began to stroke it with his thumb.

The first thing Jade was aware of was the hairs on her leg suddenly started to prickle; it took her a moment to realise it was in response to a breeze that had blown in through the wide-open window. She realised Beck was still there but on her other side, and nowhere near a cliff. Wait, the cliff hadn't been real, had it? For the first time, Jade could seemingly remember the cliff and the sea albeit as though it were a vague memory, but the sense that she had been there many times before was prevalent.

The second thing Jade was really aware of was the warmth emanating from her hand and light weight across her stomach that she soon identified as Beck's own hand and arm. She turned her head slightly to look at him and saw relief plastered across his face. This time when she went to speak, the cotton didn't stop her, now fading into the background.

"You look like shit." Beck wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry.

"You're not looking too hot yourself." While the romantic in Beck knew Jade would always be beautiful in his eyes, objectively she didn't look great with the bags under her eyes betraying her lack of sleep.

A ghost of a smile momentarily flickered over Jade's face at the teasing, the familiarity bringing a temporary easing to her mind.

"You're not supposed to say that." Her voice was still quiet, but Beck grinned at her, basking in the lightness of the exchange before Jade's expression changed again, a faraway look taking over her face.

"What were you thinking of?"

"Her."

Again, Beck had to bite his tongue against the urge to tell her to just forget about her mother knowing it was nowhere near that simple.

"Want to talk about it?"

"No."

He could practically see her withdrawing into herself, so he didn't push any further opting instead to move closer to her, intending to put his arm around her. However, his action was paused when he felt her stiffen next to him, clearly indicating she wasn't in the mood for physical contact. Beck tried not to feel hurt at her response, trying not to take it personally but he was only human after all.

They were silent for a few more minutes before Beck realised the car would be arriving imminently. He still toyed with the idea of staying, not wanting to leave Jade alone but his talk with Lane and thinking of his parents was enough to sway him back to school; just. In truth, he knew he was getting a lot of leeway which they had no obligation to give him at all. Beck was worried if he started trying to push the boundaries, they'd take it all back and he'd get nothing at all. No, for now at least, he had to play to their rules as much as he could, even if he didn't want to.

"Do you want me to get anything for you before I leave?"

Jade shook her head.

"Okay." Beck responded quietly, increasingly disheartened at her sudden reluctance to speak. He persevered as he drew back, moving off the bed to stand.

"I'll be back this afternoon but text me in the meantime if you need anything." At her lack of response, he grew slight frustrated.

"I mean it Jade, anything at all." His voice was almost stern, but his eyes belied his concern.

"Okay." It wasn't much but Beck would take it. He grabbed his bag hearing the faint blast of a horn coming from the front of the house, signalling his ride had arrived.

"I'll see you later." He hovered for one more moment, suddenly unsure in his actions before shoving his uncertainty to one side to place a kiss on Jade's cheek before speeding out the door.

* * *

Jade didn't move from the bed for at least half an hour after Beck had gone, unable to summon up the energy to either move or care. She felt bad for the way she'd reacted to Beck when he'd only been trying to help but the 'episode' had made her feel uncomfortable, like a stranger in her own body. It was enough to make her want to reject any outside interference as she struggled to regain control.

She could hear a shuffling downstairs for a while, and then the echoing click of the front door shutting. Had her father just left? Rapidly curiosity started to override her apathy and she shuffled out of the bed and out onto the mezzanine level. She paused at the stairs and listened intently, unsure how to feel when no noise was heard. It dawned on her that this was the first time she'd been truly alone since right before the accident. Jade wondered if the realisation should unsettle her more than it did but instead, she felt indifferent, almost relieved as the quiet surrounded her; a welcome change from the hospital where the noise never really stopped. She made her way down the stairs, re-adjusting her sling as she went; it was beginning to be more of a bother than a help. Jade stood in the empty entryway, listening again to check she really was alone. As her suspicions were confirmed, she felt herself relax a little; the anxiety that took root in her stomach somewhat quelled.

As she looked around, Jade realised she didn't really know where the other doorways and small hallway led, having only been in the living room the previous day. She could see what looked like the kitchen to the back of the house, but the rest was a mystery. Deciding she didn't exactly have anything better to do with her time, Jade tried the door of the room opposite the small living room she'd been in the previous evening. To her surprise, the door opened easily, and she found herself standing in the doorway to her father's study. It was good size room with floor to ceiling shelves covering most of the far wall. An impressive oak desk stood perpendicular to the shelves, backed onto a sizeable window that looked out onto the drive.

Jade took small steps into the room; a musty smell lingered, suggesting the windows were never opened but the man spent a lot of time in this room. She paused at his desk; it was covered with documents around a mac but they were all stacked neatly in piles. There was nothing personal on the desk, nothing to give away anything about him. She steadied herself on the luxurious office chair as she peered out the window, noting the absence of any cars as final confirmation she really was alone.

It was as she turned that a flicker of light caught her eye, drawing it to midway up the nearest shelving stack. A small photograph of a clearly newborn baby wrapped in a pink blanket encased in a silver picture frame that had slight tarnishing around the edges. It took Jade a moment to even recognise that she was looking at a picture of herself as a baby, having seen the exact same photo years before in a family photo album. Unable to stop herself, she made her way over to the shelf and reached up to take hold of the frame, noting the slight fading of the photo itself. She looked at it, almost transfixed on something that was the last thing she expected to find. It seemed so out of place in a room that was clearly dedicated to his work but yet so small it could probably go missed by most people.

She returned the photo to its shelf, still feeling unsettled as she walked back around the front of the desk. She scanned the section of bookshelf closest to her, trying to see if she recognised any of the titles. There were some classics among them but most looked like they'd never been touched, let alone read. Trying to shake the feelings summersaulting in her stomach, Jade moved back towards the door, stopping one last time to take the room in and letting her gaze linger on the small photo frame again. It finally struck her why its positioning was odd. The shelf was just above comfortable eye level and, as it was tucked to one end, it wouldn't be visible to whoever was sitting at the desk who would be facing the opposite direction.

The punch to her gut felt like someone had knocked the wind out of her. She'd gone from not knowing how to feel with some distant hope that this did mean something to the realisation that she was as cast aside in his mind as the photo she was looking at. Something tucked away in a corner, almost entirely hidden from view unless you knew to look. Jade felt foolish for even daring to think any differently. She exited the room suddenly, making sure to vent her feelings as she slammed the door, the sound echoing throughout the foyer. Her breathing was heavy and there was a renewed anger coursing through her. She brushed her good hand against the wall, leaning on it slightly as she counted her breaths, trying to restore calm before it got out of hand. A few minutes passed before she managed to straighten herself, moving down the short hallway that ended in the final door, although she had now guessed this was _his_ room.

She was proved correct as she opened the door, this time content to linger at the door. The room was smart but almost completely devoid of personality. The bed covers looked like they'd been thrown carelessly back on the bed, an empty hanger where a suit would have hung and curtains that hadn't been opened; perhaps in a very long time. An ajar door on the far side showed an ensuite bath and shower room, the faint damp smell indicating it had been used not too long ago. Despite her anger, she couldn't help but look for more photos, for anything that registered her presence in _his_ life, but she found nothing. This time her reaction was contained to several rapid blinks before shutting the door firmly. She walked back down the hallway, giving herself the lecture, she had given so many times. The reminder that she was on her own, that he wasn't worth bothering with, that putting her faith in him was only setting herself up for disappointment. Before the events of the few weeks previous, she would suck up the hurt and just let it add to the growing bitterness and resentment she felt towards her parents but now there was another dimension to it. Jade wanted badly to squash the new feeling, to banish it permanently from her mind but it was difficult to achieve when her nine-year-old self was still inside, crying out for her father's love as her one remaining parent.

She was so caught up in her thoughts, she completely missed the sound of a car pulling up the drive and it was only when a key turned in the lock Jade became aware someone was about to join her.

"Oh, good morning love." Vera's cheerful face greeted her as she walked through the door, a large bag draped on each arm. Jade looked at her, somewhat confused as to what she was doing at the house so early.

"I start at eight, easier to get the cleaning done before the heat of the day sets in. Besides, at my age I tend to be awake early."

Vera had easily read the expression on Jade's face, although she was still unsure how to talk to the girl at all. It had played on her mind much of the previous evening, each explanation she thought of for the girl's withdrawn behaviour more tragic than the last.

"Have you had breakfast yet?" Her voice was determinedly upbeat and cheerful, but her smile was genuine. Jade shook her head in response, debating whether or not she wanted to stay in Vera Moore's presence. Usually the woman's cheerful attitude and mother-hen like tendencies would have Jade making a fast exit but something was stopping her this time.

"I can bring you something up if you like? I didn't know what you and your young man like for breakfast, so I bought a bit of everything. Walmart was rammed this morning; I did wonder if they all know something I don't, but it was like they were possessed; still they had plenty of options." Vera continued to rattle of her tale of her trip to Walmart before moving on to the downtown traffic and a rude 4x4 driver who had cut her off at the interchange as she walked through the open-plan dining area into the kitchen. Jade found herself following without really thinking. Vera's chatter was mildly irritating, but it didn't bother her as much as she would have thought.

The kitchen was very much in keeping with the style of the rest of the house, although more modern looking than the small living room. The appliances were all steel with black granite worktops and a sizeable centre island complete with stools and fancy hanging lights. As Vera continued her tale, Jade eyed one of the stools warily, wondering if she'd even manage to get up onto it without falling.

"So, you can have those, or I've also got eggs, toast, cereal, bacon or I could possibly even rustle up some pancakes if you'd like; it's been a while since I've had anyone other than myself to cook for."

Jade felt slightly overwhelmed as she tuned back into the rather one-sided conversation. She knew she was hungry, but the choices felt like a step too far.

"Toast will be fine, thanks."

It was the most words Vera had heard Jade speak in on-go so far but she took it as a good sign and started bustling about with the toaster before opening the French doors to let the warm breeze in. Jade waited for Vera to return to the toaster before walking down to the doors herself, seeing the pool in the garden for the first time. She knew the upstairs deck looked over the garden, but she hadn't actually gone out onto it yet. Her bedroom offered a different view just of the hills on another side of the house.

Vera watched Jade take in the back yard, curious at the lack of reaction to her new surroundings as Jade's face remained impassive. To Vera, Jade looked lost in her own little world as she didn't even flinch at the sound of the toaster. Vera busied herself making a tray with various spreads and jams, as she quickly realised the stools were not going to be an option.

"Why don't you sit out on the table?"

Vera's voice jolted Jade back to the present as she appeared at her elbow with the laden tray before walking straight out towards a fashionable table and chairs set. Vera set the tray down and Jade simply followed, too tired to put up an argument. She would have rather taken the food upstairs, not too keen on any more company. For what it was worth, Vera seemed to sense this and after ensuring Jade had all she needed, backed off and returned to the kitchen to start with her usual duties.

By all accounts, it was a nice day as even in the shade Jade was only slightly cool, her long pyjamas keeping away the slight morning chill. As she cut her toast, Jade found herself regulating her breathing before taking in a large lung-full of fresh air; for all her hatred of the place for being her father's bolt hole, it was an improvement on the hospital.

* * *

Vera jumped when she heard the doorbell sound, a rare sound if ever there was one. As she removed her washing-up gloves, she vaguely remembered Mr West mentioning someone would be coming for Jade each today. Vera had surmised he was some sort of physiotherapist and was therefore a little surprised when a man in a shirt and waistcoat stood on the other side of the door.

"Hi, you must be Mr West's housekeeper? I'm Lane, Jade's counsellor." Vera blinked away her surprise at the new information and greeted him just the same before showing him in.

"Jade's just outside eating breakfast, does she know you're coming?"

"It was arranged but I did try to call this morning and got no answer."

Vera shrugged; she hadn't seen Jade with her phone at all which was a bit off for someone of Jade's generation. From what Vera had observed, anyone under the age of 30 seemed to be surgically attached to their phones, unable to even go grocery shopping without having them out. She showed Lane to the kitchen and watched him walk out before pulling the plug on the sink to let the water drain. For all her curiosity, counselling was something she knew she shouldn't be observing out of common decency.

LINE BREAK

Lane had known Jade's father was well off, but he was still impressed by the house. He made sure to scuff his shoes on the deck, so Jade wasn't startled by his appearance, as it was, he was pleased to see her eating breakfast.

"Morning Jade." He greeted as she looked up.

"Hi."

"Can I join you?"

"Do I have a choice?" The snark in her tone surprised Lane, not for the rudeness but for it being the type of response he used to expect from Jade as standard.

"Nope." Lane popped the 'p' as he settled himself into a chair opposite. He was about to speak when Vera came hurrying out with another plate of toast and a jug of orange juice with two glasses.

"Sorry Mr Lane, I wasn't sure if you'd eaten yet this morning."

"Thank you, that's very kind and it's just Lane."

"I'm off to clean upstairs now so I won't be bothering you."

Lane inclined his head in thanks as Vera left rapidly, grateful at her not-so-subtle hint that she wouldn't be at risk of overhearing anything.

There was quiet for a moment as Lane helped himself to some of the jam of Jade's own tray and poured both of them a glass of juice.

"So, how are you settling in?"

"Alright I guess." It didn't matter how many therapy sessions Jade had, she still started each one in the same way, never wanting to give anything away. She knew by now that Lane wouldn't let her get away with it, but it didn't stop her trying each time. Lane had learnt quickly not to let it phase him and to simply keep asking until he got her on the right path.

"How has it been with your father?"

"Excruciating." Apparently, Jade was putting up less of a fight than normal today.

"How so?"

"He doesn't want me here."

"What makes you say that?"

"He's awkward around me, the way he acts is superficial like he's doing what's expected but he doesn't want to be doing it at all." Her mind replayed the events of the previous evening, the stilted dinner, the way he insisted on paying for Beck as though Beck had been put at an imposition by his daughter and he now had to make good on it.

"Maybe it's because he doesn't know how to act around you yet?"

Lane had been concerned about this even though his own interactions with Mr West had been brief; he was worried Jade would mistake his clumsiness for apathy. As it was, she scoffed at his suggestion.

"More like he wishes he didn't have to act around me at all."

"Why do you think that?"

"It's obvious." Jade was starting to get riled. "In this whole house there is almost no indication I even exist, he wiped me from all existence, even his own damn secretary didn't know he had a daughter." The memory of the previous week still stung sharply for Jade, unable to get his secretary's surprise out of her head. Now, seeing his house, it all made a lot more sense. Clearly when her father had walked out, he decided to erase her almost entirely from his life.

Lane was caught off-guard by Jade's admission about her father's secretary as she hadn't shared that particular information before. Frustration bubbled within him at her father's painful missteps in his relationship with his daughter, or rather the lack of relationship between the two of them.

"Maybe the reminders were too painful for him? You know more than most how painful memories can be."

"And I'm supposed to feel sorry for him? He's the one who walked out, not me. He was supposed to be a parent." Jade punctuated her statement by slamming her knife onto the table.

"So, you feel he abandoned you, took the easy way out?"

"And you don't?" Jade snapped, her eyes flashing.

"I'm not here to give an opinion Jade, or take sides, I'm here to help you find your way through this." Jade scoffed again, a heavy scowl darkening her features. The truth was, Lane had a lot of opinions on Mr West's appalling treatment of his daughter, including his decision to walk out and leave his nine-year-old daughter in a potentially dangerous situation.

"Have you said any of this to him? Beyond what was said the other day?" 'Said' was a relative term given Jade had been almost shouting at him.

"He just gets defensive, like I'm being unreasonable or selfish." She replied darkly, the previous conversation flashing through her mind.

"Do you think you need to talk to him properly, sit down and hold him to account?"

"I don't want to." Her response was instantaneous.

"But do you feel you need to?" Lane pressed.

"He won't listen." She was quieter now, almost speaking to herself. "And what good would it anyway? You saw what happened last time you suggested this." The accusation was thinly veiled, but Lane pushed it aside.

"Well, even if he doesn't say what you want him to, at least you would know you gave him the chance, that you said everything you wanted to say."

"And then I learn to live with more disappointment?"

Lane fell silent, all too aware that Jade was now being more open with him than ever before. Gone was the pretence that she didn't really care about her father's thoughts, the pretence that she had already given up on him and instead he could see what he had thought all along; the Jade who had a part of her who, whether she liked it or not, still wanted her father to be a father to her.

"It's something for you to think about." He finally answered with a finality letting Jade know that this part of the conversation would be over for now if she wanted it. Lane was wary about pushing her too far given she was still adjusting to the new location.

"How did you sleep last night?"

"Fine." Lane held back at a sigh at the return to one-word answers.

"You won't help yourself by lying to me Jade."

Jade glared at her plate in response, frustration running rampant through her as her mind still lingered on her father.

"What do you want to hear? No, I didn't sleep well just like every other fucking night, what were you expecting?" Jade lashed out, no longer willing to pretend like she was even in the mood to talk.

"Did you try the exercises I taught you?"

"Yes."

"And they didn't help?"

"Well obviously fucking not."

Lane raised an eyebrow at Jade, letting her know she was walking a thin line and Jade took a breath, her hand reflexively searching for the foam ball that was still stashed upstairs.

"They sometimes take the edge off when things are getting-" Jade paused not wanting to admit to the panic even though Lane was already fully aware.

"Out of hand?" He suggested and Jade's eyes narrowed at the implication.

"Overwhelming."

"But they don't help me sleep."

"Did you consider taking one of the pills the doctor gave you?"

Jade shook her head. Lane suspected as much, but it didn't stop him from feeling a little disappointed. He needed to get her over this fear of medication.

"Why don't you want to take them Jade?"

"It feels wrong."

"Wrong?"

"I don't want to not be in control."

"And you see these pills as making you lose control?"

"Whenever they sedated me in hospital, I couldn't wake up and it was like I was stuck there."

"Where were you stuck?"

She shook her head. Flashes of a windy cliff edge and stormy sea danced in-front of Jade's eyes, but she brushed them away, not yet ready to share that particular information with Lane. It was odd how this morning was the first time she'd been able to remember it but now she could remember almost every time she'd been there.

For now, Lane accepted this was something she wasn't ready to talk about and it didn't take a genius to make the connection between Jade's unpleasant flashbacks and nightmares and her unwillingness to be put to sleep. He tried a different angle.

"I understand the way you feel, I honestly do but a big part of mental recovery requires the brain to be getting enough, good quality REM sleep or you'll struggle to make progress."

Jade chewed this over, it made sense to her, but she couldn't shake the feeling of dread associated with the little box of pills. The same dread that appeared every time she looked in the mirror and saw certain features of her mother staring back at her.

"I don't want to end up like her." Her lips barely moved, her gaze fixed in her lap, but Lane heard them; he felt a twinge of relief as he realised, they'd finally reached the crux of the problem.

"As far as I understand it, these pills have nothing in them that can cause addiction."

"That doesn't mean shit." The words were out of her mouth before she could stop them. "There isn't anything technically addictive in Beer either, but people are still alcoholics. It's the feeling isn't it?" Although her question was more of a statement, Lane trod carefully.

"Have you tried beer?"

"Once." Jade could remember a party Beck had dragged her to the previous year. It wasn't a common occurrence, but she'd had one cup that she'd nursed all night; a few mouthfuls had been enough to let her know she wasn't a fan of the bitter substance. As it was, she'd often found herself staring at her mother's liquor cabinet, wondering if it was worth it, wondering if it would be enough for her to escape her life for a few hours like it did for her mother. In the end though she always resisted, too disgusted with her mother's behaviour to justify it, too afraid she'd end up just like her.

"And you didn't like it?"

Jade shook her head.

"Then why do you think you'll end up like your mother?"

"Pills don't have a taste, neither did the powder she snorted or the crap she injected into her arms."

The powder on the counter the night before the attack had just been the tip of the iceberg. She knew her mother's drug use was varied as she'd found used syringes at the bottom of her purse when Jade had been digging for money and a flash of a memory she's repressed for the longest time; the image of her mother injecting something into the crook of her arm through a crack in the bedroom door about a month after her father walked out.

"Don't you think that your understanding of addiction now, what you've witnessed with your mother will be enough to protect you? The truth is Jade, thousands of American's take sleep aids with no problem at all."

"Addiction runs in families, it's a genetic pre-disposition." Jade had spent many hours researching over the years, frantic google searches on her phone after her mother barely made it in through the front door.

Lane frowned.

"It can be, but all that means is that you could be more likely to exhibit that type of behaviour, but it is not in any way a guarantee."

Jade stayed quiet, unwilling to consider what Lane was saying; it felt too unlikely to her.

"I take it this is also the reason that your pain medication usage chart remained low?" Jade didn't look up, confirming his suspicions. Dr Griffiths had raised it at Jade's discharge meeting, although had mentioned she was reasonably satisfied Jade was coping with the pain she was in, she still flagged it as a potential cause for concern.

"Jade are you in pain right now?"

Yes, was the truthful answer. Her shoulder was throbbing and aching as the bone slowly knitted themselves back together. She also had the same headache she'd had for many days, the kind of tension headache that arises from lack of sleep and too much stress.

"Yes." Jade figured he wouldn't believe her if she lied.

"But you won't take anything for it?"

"It keeps me grounded." Jade knew it sounded insane but if anyone would understand, she hoped it would be Lane. As it was, her hope was correct and not all that surprising to Lane now he joined up her recent behaviour in his head.

"It keeps you in the real world?" He offered and Jade felt a wave of relief at his words as she nodded.

"Not always but it's like it gives me something to hold onto."

"I understand Jade, I really do but I'm going to tell you something else now, and I want you to just listen."

Jade looked at him for a moment before nodding her agreement.

"You may think the pain is helping but when you're using in this way, you're letting it control you. It's keeping you in a place where your mind is pre-occupied and keeps you focused on negative thoughts and actions; it's also contributing to your difficulty falling asleep."

Jade felt a little stunned, she hadn't considered it like that before. Her gut reaction was to deny it but something about what he said had hit too close to home to be ignored. She had found herself wondering what would happen when her shoulder finally healed, the fear of the painkillers taking all the pain away was just another way she had managed to lose control. The realisation brought with it a fresh wave of self-loathing.

Lane had watched the emotions play out across her face, culminating in the shame and anger that made Lane sad for the teenager in-front of him.

"It's not something to be ashamed of Jade, your ability to cope is admirable and one day I sincerely hope you look back and can recognise the sheer enormity of what you are dealing with and then you'd see how well you have been dealing with it."

Jade doubted she'd ever think that, not even close but she didn't say anything.

"I want you to consider taking one of the sleeping pills this evening – not agree to it, just consider it." He added firmly as he saw the instant resistance in her eyes. "We've discussed it, you've got some more information to think about and you can still decide not to, but I'd like you to think about it; can you promise me that?"

Jade was silent for a moment before,

"Okay."

Lane gave a small smile before moving his chair backward and standing.

"Come on, let's go stretch our legs." He thought for a moment Jade would protest but she also got to her feet and followed him down the short path to the pool. The back yard was modestly sized but still large for the property as it followed around to three out of the four sides of the house. The pool was clearly the main feature, but paving slabs and various shrubs and trees defined a path a small desert scape out of view of the kitchen.

Lane spent much of the slow walk letting Jade keep to her thoughts, only occasionally commenting on various features that interested him. He had hoped to discuss the funeral with her as well, but he'd now decided to not go near it for the day for both their sakes. They walked around the garden several times before Jade turned back to the house, citing thirst as Lane looked at her questioningly.

They spent the remaining hour going through various breathing techniques and self-rationalisation she could put into use when she noticed she was starting to panic. Lane also mentioned that Jade might want to start using an outlet for her emotions, especially those she wasn't willing to share with anyone. Jade's mind flickered to a small folded piece of paper in her jacket pocket; ironically, she wasn't willing to share that yet either.

* * *

By the time Lane left, Jade felt thoroughly exhausted and a little gross, given she was still in the same clothes she'd slept in and had yet to even run a brush through her hair. Making a firm decision, Jade made her way back upstairs and into the bedroom, only a little surprised to find that Vera had been through and sorted the bed and curtains. It felt a little intrusive but that was overridden by Jade's relief she didn't have to wrestle the duvet with only one working arm. She managed to find where Beck had distributed her clothes the night before relatively easily and headed to the bathroom.

The bathroom sat on the other side of the mezzanine living space, bordered by the second guest bedroom on one side. It was an impressive family bathroom, clean tiling that boasted both a cubicle shower and a stand-alone bathtub. Jade found herself running a hand along the cool tile before she turned her attention to her reflection in the mirror bordering the sink. Beck had been right this morning when he'd joked about her appearance, she did look like hell and it was starting to really bother Jade. She carefully removed the sling from her arm, letting her elbow straighten out for the first time since the accident. It was painful but not unbearable as she slipped off her top and trousers before debating whether the shower was worth the hassle. Ultimately, she decided it was the only way of feeling less gross and she moved over to the cubicle, a warm feeling tugging at her when she saw Beck had already populated the in-shower shelf with her shampoo and body wash.

As the water poured down on her, Jade tried valiantly to give her hair the best wash possible while trying to bear in mind Dr Griffith's and Emma's warnings about being careful. It took longer than she was used to but by the time she stepped out, Jade noticed a difference in how she felt as though she were slightly lighter somehow. She stood back in the mirror, focusing firmly on her hair instead of her face as she towelled it dry and brushed it out, section by section. By the end, her good arm was aching at the strain in an odd pain that passed all the way across to her broken clavicle and Jade took that as a sign to ease up. She managed to slip into her trousers more easily than before but decided not to bother with the bra for now as wiggling into a t-shirt would be difficult enough.

Almost an hour after she'd stepped into the bathroom, Jade emerged with her hair still damp and no less tired but feeling different none the less. She paused in the living area to breathe in the warm breeze as it blew in through the French doors, bringing it with another scent that was savoury. Her stomach grumbled in response. She was about to head downstairs when she remembered her phone had been unchecked all morning. She swore quietly, hoping Beck hadn't tried to get hold of her as she had promised him, she'd answer his messages. It took a moment of searching to locate the device, but she tapped the screen on only for her stomach to drop.

(4) New Messages

(2) Missed Calls

Upon further investigate, three of the messages were from Beck and one from Cat. The first missed call was from Lane but the second was from her father. He hadn't left a voicemail, or tried to reach her again which was the deciding factor in Jade choosing to ignore it for now. Cat's message consisted of a detailed retelling of a dream she'd had the previous evening about a rabbit with superpowers; capitalising on Jade's love of the fluffy creatures as a reason to tell her. Beck's messages were a bit different.

8:15 am: _Hey, just thought I'd let you know I got my truck alright and I'm about to leave for school. Didn't even get a parking ticket! Hope you have a good day. _

10:30 am: _Hey, school is still really boring without you here. How's your morning going?_

11:30 am: _Sprinkler system went off in Jazz class, it made Trina's make-up look like she'd had a run-in with a sad clown – you would have loved it. I know things are difficult, but can you let me know you're okay please - I'm worried._

Jade was expecting his last message to annoy her but instead she just felt frustrated that she hadn't thought to keep her phone with her. She quickly tapped out a reply.

_Sorry, phone was upstairs, and I only just came back for it. Lane left a while ago and I've just finished getting dressed. Sounds like an improvement on her usual look. _

_Things are fine. _

She debated the last line, but she was never one to pour her heart out over a text message. Besides, she was sure Beck would know what she meant. She had only just placed her phone in her pocket when she felt it buzz.

_(1) New Message: Beck Oliver_

_She would have fitted into a low-budget B-movie no problem lol. Glad to hear it. I miss you. _

Jade felt her heart give a little squeeze at his last three words. Unlike her, Beck was sappy over text messages, but Jade didn't have it in her to reject him with her usual sarcasm.

_I miss you too. _

It was the truth, even if she was a little loathed to admit it. She'd grown accustomed to his near constant presence, even when they weren't talking there was something in having him there that she found calming. She stared at her phone for a moment, almost anticipating another immediate return message but nothing came. Satisfied, she placed her phone back into her pocket and bent awkwardly to pick up her laundry with her un-slinged hand as she left the room.

* * *

Vera was back in the kitchen, removing a fresh loaf from the oven as she listened along to the radio and therefore almost jumped when she turned and saw Jade standing in the corner.

"Oh, you nearly frightened the life out of me!"

"Sorry." Jade immediately felt awkward, she wasn't sure how to talk to the woman in-front of her.

"You must move more quietly than a mouse!" Vera teased as she placed the bread down on the counter side. "Although I'm sure my hearing isn't quite what it used to be either."

Jade blinked, staying quiet again until Vera saw the clothes clutched in her hand.

"Are those for me?"

"I wasn't sure what to do with them, there isn't anywhere to put them upstairs." Jade explained, unsure if she'd crossed a boundary.

"That's fine I do washing twice a week, but I'll make sure I get a basket put upstairs – your father has one, but he obviously forgot you needed one too." Vera bustled towards her, relieving her of the pile swiftly and walking it down towards the small utility room.

"And thank you for bringing it down, my sons used to leave it in a pile on their bedroom floors! I think they though a magical fairy did the laundry while they were asleep."

Jade stood quietly, letting Vera talk. In a way, the woman reminded her of Cat with her constant chatter and stories although Vera's had so far made more sense than a lot of Cat's.

"Are you hungry for lunch? I just made some bread and there's some soup from yesterday I could heat up?"

"That would be nice." Jade managed a half smile, trying to show gratitude before adding a hurried "Thanks."

"Oh, it's not a bother, now your father is my only client I can spend a little more time doing the things I enjoy about housekeeping. I've always loved to cook but now I'm on my own I don't get much of a chance anymore."

Vera carried on chatting as she heated the soup and cut the bread before laying out another tray for Jade. Jade just stayed back watching, still unsure what to make of the woman and her semi-constant presence, eventually following her back out to the table she'd eaten at in the morning and murmuring a second 'thanks' as Vera headed back into the kitchen.

Jade manoeuvred butter onto the bread, a movement that she was slowly mastering given with her one working hand. After a few mouthfuls, Jade found herself almost smiling. There was something comforting about the soup and the bread, something she couldn't quite put her finger on, but it was some of the first food she'd managed that seemed to sit well within her. Even the toast she ate in the mornings usually sat like cement in her stomach for a while before it was digested but this was different somehow. Eating with one hand was slow but Jade persevered as she realised the mystery 'something' was a genuine like for the way the food tasted.

* * *

**Oh boy, I cracked 8000 words – if you made it this far in one go, well done! Sorry it's so long but there just wasn't a good place to cut this one. It also required some very funny questions I had to google for some odd (and small) details. **

**32 chapters in and Jade is having to face herself and her psyche if she wants to come out the other side of this, but she is trying. Beck and Mr West will be back in the next chapter. **

**Please feel free to drop me a line if you liked the chapter – especially if the length was a good/bad thing. Thanks to everyone who has read/reviewed so far, it honestly helps the process move along, especially after 32 chapters! **


	33. Chapter 33

"Well Mr Oliver?"

Beck felt his face flush as he realised for the second time, he'd been caught not paying attention in his history class. His brain scrambled to try and recall what the question had even been as the narrowed eyes of Mr Brown scrutinised him.

"I'm sorry, what was the question?"

Mr Brown gave a dramatic sigh, shaking his head as he continued to glare at Beck.

"That is the second time I have asked you a question to find you not listening Mr Oliver, and I suspect you have not listened to a word I have said."

Beck opened his mouth to protest but Mr Brown cut across him; a small relief as Beck wasn't actually sure what his defence was going to be anyway.

"Still, if you can tell me what year the first new deal was signed in, I may overlook your behaviour."

Beck's brain was little more than a blank white space in response to Mr Brown's question, as though all knowledge had been rapidly shoved out of his ears. Beck could just about see Andre gesturing slyly with his fingers out the corner of his eye. Knowing he couldn't turn his head, he tried desperately to make sense of the movements.

"Err 1393?" He winced as the words left his mouth, knowing instantly that the date was far too early to be correct.

Mr Brown let out another sigh, confirming Beck's suspicions that his guess had not only been wrong, but also idiotic.

"Mr Oliver, you may not have ever listened to a word I said but did you ever think to crack open a history book? Turn on the television?"

Beck grew indignant at this. History may not have been his best subject, but he was nowhere close to actually failing it; he was just so exhausted that it was difficult to pay attention to Mr Brown's monotone. He opened his mouth to retaliate, ready to fire back but Andre gestured wildly with his hand against his throat that Beck should stay quiet.

"Well Mr Oliver?" Mr Brown was now tapping his foot angrily against the floor. Beck slumped in his chair.

"I'm sorry sir." Beck wasn't the least bit sorry and his sullen tone certainly wasn't convincing Mr Brown of his apology either.

"Well, until you learn to pay better attention, you can continue your history work in the library." Mr Brown brandished the textbook, letting it slam onto Beck's desk with more force than was necessary.

"Once you have a basic grasp of the key events in our history, I'll consider letting you back in."

Beck's face burned as he gathered up his things, shoving them angrily into his bag. He had just enough time to see Andre shooting him a sympathetic look before he left, letting the door bang loudly as a small act of defiance.

* * *

He threw himself angrily into a chair, letting the textbook land heavily on the table with a solid thud. The librarian scowled from the opposite side of the room but said nothing. Beck pulled his phone out again, re-reading Jade's last text for what felt like the hundredth time.

_I miss you too. _

He had been incredibly relieved when she finally answered his messages, having spent much of the morning in a haze of anxiousness after the second one went unanswered. Andre and Robbie had tried to help, suggesting all sorts of reasons why she hadn't answered from the plausible ("She probably left it in another room man, don't worry about it.") to the implausible ("Maybe she fell asleep, girls do that sometimes.") and the completely ridiculous ("One time, when I went to the zoo, a monkey stole my phone and texted my meemaw; she was so mad.").

As it was, Jade had just left her phone upstairs, making Andre's suggestion correct. He fought the urge to text her again now, not wanting to crowd her but feeling the return of the familiar anxiousness twisting in the pit of his stomach at not being able to check up on her. He sighed as he placed his phone back on the table, pulling the now slightly battered textbook toward him. If nothing else, he was determined to show Mr Brown that he wasn't useless at history. Unfortunately for Beck, his brain wouldn't co-operate as his attention waned with an increasing regularity; his gaze constantly flicking to his phone, to the clock on the wall, around the library at the bookshelves, to his phone again and then back to the same paragraph in the textbook.

Beck felt frustration tugging at him, directed at his realisation that he'd been there over twenty minutes and had yet to move onto the second paragraph. He couldn't have even told Mr Brown what was in the first paragraph he'd supposedly been reading. He picked up his pen in an attempt to force his concentration if he was writing bullet points to accompany the paragraph but halfway through the second, he found his gaze blurring as the tiredness set in again.

'_This is hopeless._'

He ripped the paper out of his notebook and scrunched it back up, allowing his frustrations to vent much to the displeasure of the librarian. He stared at the blank page.

'_What now?_'

He toyed with the idea of just leaving campus there and then as he obviously wasn't gaining anything from being there. He felt like he'd spent the day in a haze of worry and tiredness, as though he had sleep-walked through his earlier classes. He'd tried to join in with the chatter at lunch, but he'd ended up saying little more than 'yeah' and nodding in all the right places. He also had a feeling the group had a previous discussion about 'safe' topics to talk about in front of him as there was a forced quality to the group conversation which steered clear of Jade, or anything too serious or that he and Jade might be missing out on. They had, of course, asked about Jade but not lingered on it, accepting his non-committal response with surprisingly little resistance; Beck had been expecting to be grilled about her recovery and if she was coming back soon, but instead there had been meaningful looks shared that he simply pretended he couldn't see.

In all honesty he was grateful as it meant he didn't have to try hard to keep up with the conversation when he was having enough trouble keeping his eyes open. He thought he had been doing okay when he set off for school but between his stress at Jade not answering her messages, balancing his friends and the disrupted Jazz class, Beck felt like his energy had been quickly drained. As if that wasn't enough, he was also getting persistent stares from all the other students who apparently were not bothered about hiding it. No one officially knew what had happened but, rumours had leaked out and there were many stories being whispered around, most almost completely fictious but some that were not far off the truth either. Beck knew Jade would hate it, but he also knew it would be even worse when she came back to school. He tried not to let the whispers bother him, but it niggled at the back of his mind that at least half the rumours were nowhere near as awful as what had actually happened.

Beck sighed with the realisation that he was still stuck on the very same paragraph; he shook his head firmly in to try and re-focus, but he was interrupted by the library door opening to admit Lane.

"Beck, Mr Brown said you were in here."

"Yeah, about that." Beck had the sense to look at least slightly contrite as the guidance counsellor looked him up and down.

"Don't worry, I'm not here to tell you off, I'm here to see how you are doing." For a moment, Beck wondered if he would have rather been told off than have to talk about his feelings, but he tamped down on it quickly; Lane had been so good to him, he felt bad resisting his efforts at helping.

"I'm alright, bit tired."

"If you don't mind me saying Beck, you look more than a bit tired."

Previously that sort of comment might have bothered Beck, but he knew it was the truth and, as if Lane needed more of an indication, he was too tired to bother trying to refute it.

"I'm still not sleeping great."

"Is this you waking up or Jade waking you up?"

Beck winced, more often than not it was Jade's restless movements that woke him, but he found it difficult to fall asleep to start with and he did still surface throughout the night without meaning to, falling out of nightmares that tended to involve Jade and a vast amount of blood.

"Bit of both."

"Have you considered spending the night in your own bed?"

Beck's reaction was instantaneous.

"I wouldn't sleep any better there."

"How do you know if you haven't tried?"

Beck's frown deepened but Lane cut across what he was about to say.

"Look, I know in the hospital things were different but Jade's out of immediate danger; she's also in different surroundings, her new home." Lane broke off his sentence, but the remainder was implied. Almost all the reasons Beck had given for staying with her in the hospital were no longer valid, but Beck wasn't ready to surrender so easily.

"I didn't realise there was a time limit for this, I thought we could do whatever suits us." His tone had become acidic, his defensive streak well and truly activated.

"But that's just it, Beck, it's clearly not suiting you and Jade isn't well rested either."

"That's hardly because we're sharing a bed!" Beck exclaimed "If anything it's better when we're together as when she has a nightmare, I'm there for her." He fought a rising blush at his admission but in his mind, it made the tiredness the next morning worth it if he could make the nights even a little more bearable for her.

"And that's the only reason you want to keep spending the night?"

"No, and you know it isn't." Beck suddenly did feel angry that Lane was trying to bait him, Lane knew the rest of the reason as they'd spoken about it before. Why was he being like this now? Did he think Beck was in denial?

"I know I'm calmer when I'm with her as I don't worry about what's happening to her. I know she's safe." Beck was defiant, he was perfectly fine with admitting his anxiousness surrounding Jade. He'd done a fair amount of soul searching over the last week and, especially since he and Jade had decided to give their relationship another go, he no longer felt awkwardness at his feelings; in his mind, they were now perfectly justified.

"So, you plan to never spend another night away from her?"

Damn. Beck supposed he'd walked right into that one.

"Well, no because obviously that wouldn't work." Beck grappled with his words, trying to make it sound like he did have a plan. Lane raised his eyebrows, clearly seeing through Beck's attempts at nonchalance.

"But for now, yes, it works."

"And it doesn't matter what happens to you in the meantime? Like your schoolwork suffering? Or your own mental health?"

"My schoolwork isn't suffering."

At this, Lane looked purposefully down at his textbook and empty page of notes.

"Then why were you sent out of your history class? Why have all your teachers so far today remarked on your sudden inability to concentrate and engage in class?"

Damn. Clearly Lane had done more talking than he'd immediately let on. Beck felt himself almost deflate under the weight of Lane's argument. Lane took pity on him, satisfied that his point had been made.

"Look Beck, I'm not suggesting you never spend the night again, or even that you start this evening, but I don't think there is much more good that can come from you spending every single night in each other's company."

Beck felt his stomach sink and clench uncomfortably, the anxiety spiking in a way that made him feel sick.

"Both of you are at risk of becoming dependent on each other but I'm especially concerned about you Beck."

"But I'm not the one who-"

"I know, I know, but you were seemingly making progress with your anxiety but now you seem to have stopped."

"Jade needs support, she's still adjusting, and her father isn't exactly stepping up."

"I'm not denying that Beck, but she needs support in a healthy way and so do you. Jade is learning to be independent; don't you want to support that?"

"Of course, I do."

"And don't you also want to be happy?"

"Jade makes me happy." It was another one of those instances where the words were out before he could stop them. It was the truth, even with everything going on and all the emotions it brought with it, Beck still felt like the hole in his life that had been created when the split was slowly being filled.

"I'm not denying that Beck, but you can't honestly believe this is a sustainable way for you to live?"

Beck let out an involuntary sigh, Lane had him there. For all his acceptance of his anxiety in the short-term, he specifically avoided thinking about the longer-term implications; avoiding them because of the nausea and panic those types of thoughts brought with them.

"No." He admitted quietly, and Lane gave him a sympathetic look; he really felt for the teenager in front of him. He'd risen to the challenges of the past few weeks exceptionally well, but nothing was without a cost.

"Your parents are coming back in a few days, I'm sure they'll want to see you home."

"You've already spoken to them, haven't you?"

"Yes, they both just want what's best for you."

"They never liked Jade that much anyway." Beck muttered, wanting to vent his frustrations at the thought of his parent's interventions.

"On the contrary, your mother has expressed concern for her wellbeing as well; why do you think she was the one to suggest you went part-time at school?'

Guilt washed over Beck again, he knew he was being unfair.

"Look, it's nearly final period. Why don't you swing by my office after school and we can talk through some strategies to help with this?"

Beck bristled at the implication that he even needed help, but Lane's tone made it clear that his suggestion was not up for debate. He nodded, grudgingly. Lane rose from the table, reaching out to pat him on the shoulder in what he hoped was a supportive gesture.

As Lane left Beck opened up a new message on his phone.

_Hey, I'm going to be late tonight, have to stay behind for a thing after school. I'll let you know when I leave. Hope you're having a good afternoon (or a really great nap!). _

He scanned the message a few times, trying to decide if it was breezy enough to disguise the fact, he hadn't stated exactly what he was staying behind for. He almost told her, but he wasn't sure how that would go down, especially if Jade thought they were talking about her.

The uneven tone of the bell sounded, and Beck started packing up his bag, resigned to the fact that he would have to catch up on the lesson another time. He looked up as Robbie and Andre came bursting through the door, quickly slowing to a forcibly causal walk as they spotted him.

"Hey Beck, what's up man?" Beck quirked an eyebrow at the pair.

"Nothing much, why?"

"Mr Brown was so unreasonable; I can't believe he just threw you out like that." Robbie's statement suddenly clicked into place with their somewhat odd behaviour and Beck suddenly felt a wave of gratefulness for his friends. He fought back a genuine smile.

"It's fine, really guys – I wasn't paying attention anyway."

"He's still a dickhead." Robbie said it with such conviction that Beck couldn't stop the smile this time and patted him on the shoulder.

"Thanks Robbie."

"So, to Sikowitz's?" Andre ventured cautiously and Beck nodded, the three of them departing the library together.

* * *

Despite Jade's best efforts, she spent most of the afternoon back in the same spot on the sectional that she had spent most of the previous afternoon occupying. Her session with Lane had stirred up a great deal of thoughts and feelings that she was struggling to sort through but a new, if somewhat small sense of determination that she would sort through all of them had appeared. She had liberated a notebook she'd found in one of the kitchen drawers, aware that the screwed-up sheet of paper she had wouldn't be that useful for much longer. It was a flimsy notebook, perhaps originally intended for recipes and grocery lists but it would do for Jade's purpose; besides, this was something she didn't want to have to ask for, something just for her.

The notebook lay open on the second page on Jade's lap, the blankness of the page proving more than a little intimidating but mercifully that was nothing new. Jade was used to the apprehension triggered by a blank page whenever she started a new project, be it a play, a song or a story although what she was attempting now felt like it was entirely different. With a great deal of thought, she finally put her pen to the paper and wrote two words, one on each page.

'Father.' 'Mother.'

It was almost clinical, she realised, the way she referred to them. She'd never had a 'mom and dad', or a 'mommy and a daddy'. Hell, she'd never even had grandparents that she could know by cutesy nicknames or uncles and aunties that had their own nicknames. She stared at the words, realising just how powerful indifference could actually be before she lowered her pen to write again; noting down every word she had ever associated with the two.

Her father was cold and uncaring; a distant person who was a parent in name only.

Her mother was weak and an addict. She was violent and impulsive.

As Jade scribbled down every word she could think of, her handwriting became more and more messy, until the letters were being indented through several pages with the pressure she was applying to the pen. She didn't notice time passing until she came to a sudden halt with the final word on her mother's side.

'_Lost_.'

Jade stared at it for a moment, doubting for a split second that she even wrote it, given how juxtaposed it was to every other word she'd written that spewed bitterness and anger.

Did she think her mother was lost? Or that she lost control? Or was she lost because she was dead and never coming back? Jade chewed her lip between her teeth, unable to decide either way but aware that it had thrown up a word she was now sick of hearing.

'_Control._'

She flipped to a clean page, scribbling the word down in the centre before pausing to stare at it again.

When had she lost control of her life?

She let her mind wander back through the past weeks and months, after the split, before the split; she tried to think back across the years to try and pinpoint where everything had all started to get away from her. It was a fruitless effort. There was no one defining moment she could identify that was the start of her troubles. Even going back as far as her father leaving wasn't far enough. She drew in a shaky breath, the revelation sitting uncomfortably on her chest as she lowered her pen back to the paper to write in small letters underneath the word.

'_I never had any."_

She stared at her writing, fighting to keep the rising panic at bay as the letters stared back at her. It was almost ten minutes before she even tried to move again, carefully rolling her neck to one side to relieve the tension. She'd managed to keep a grip on the panic, to push it back just far enough so that it didn't overwhelm her, and a new feeling was slowly seeping through that she didn't immediately recognise.

Acceptance.

There was something about seeing it on paper in black and white that made it more palatable. Jade realised that maybe she was always chasing control because she'd never had any, not about the things that really mattered. She flipped the pages back and took in every word she'd written; her blame was now almost tangible in the words she'd chosen. She found herself shaking her head as her eyes raked over the page. It wasn't a new thought that her life was an undeniable mess but, for the first time, she didn't feel nearly as much self-loathing as she was used to at that fact.

The buzz of her phone jerked her from her thoughts, and she felt a little disappointed as she read Beck's message. He'd been purposefully vague about what he was staying behind for, but Jade figured it could be one of any number of things. Tapping out a brief acknowledgement, she returned to her notebook and another fresh page with her pen hovering over it. She debated internally whether she should do this, write his name down as well. She put the tip of her pen to the page, holding it still for almost a full minute before she withdrew.

'_Not now_.' She decided, unwilling to let her mind take her there today. Instead she shut the notebook, taking care to wedge it down the side of the sofa so that only she knew it was there. She knew Beck probably wouldn't do more than ask about it, if he even did that, but after almost two weeks of feeling like her innermost thoughts were public property, Jade wanted to keep it private. She gave the little foam ball a few squeezes for good measure, an attempt to dissipate the nervous energy she could feel threatening to build-up again. She reached for the remote and flicked on the television, allowing the bland programming to wash over; a brief reprieve from the continuous stream of thoughts tunnelling through her brain.

* * *

Beck felt somewhat relieved as he finally pulled up the gravel driveway to Mr West's house. The remainder of the afternoon hadn't been as bad as he'd been expecting. The whole gang was in Sikowitz's class and while he keenly felt Jade's absence, the lesson was chilled out enough that paying attention wasn't as difficult as he'd expected. Sikowitz had taken them through a recap of the semester so far and then Andre, Robbie and Cat perform a series of improvs which only became more outrageous the longer they went on. His session with Lane had felt long but had given him a lot to think about. He'd thought the 'exercises' Lane had given him were overkill but Lane's insistence had stalled his protests.

Thankfully, the front door was unlocked, and Beck realised he may have to approach Mr West about a key of some sort; a conversation he was not looking forward to. He called out as he entered and heard a small voice as Jade indicated she was upstairs. Call him a sap, but Beck couldn't stop the smile spreading over his face at the sound of her voice, hopeful that it might mean her day had gone well. He almost jogged up the stairs taking them two at a time before rounding the corner to see Jade sitting on the sofa.

"Hey!"

"Hey."

Jade offered up her own smile, although admittedly it was more subdued than Beck's, but it was enough to satisfy him that she was definitely doing better than she had been that morning. He dumped his bag on the floor and collapsed right next to Jade on the sofa, who was momentarily taken aback by his close proximity before relaxing, expecting Beck to put his arms around her. She was caught off-guard again when he moved towards her and instead of enveloping her in a hug, brought his lips to hers in a short kiss. Jade's surprise didn't last long as she gently returned the kiss before he drew back, a smile still evident on his face as he drew her into the original embrace she'd been expecting. She settled back into his arms, letting herself relax against him as she waited for him to start talking.

Beck felt a welcome relief flood his body as he held Jade. It was solid proof that she was still in one piece. He inhaled deeply, smelling her familiar conditioner that hung around her newly washed hair. He was impressed she'd managed to do it all by herself with only one arm.

"So, how was your day?"

Jade fought the urge to clam up and tell Beck to mind his own damn business, instead she took a breath and gave a shortened re-count of the day. He listened quietly, passing comment where appropriate but mostly just trying to make her feel supported. He let her pause before she started to touch on some of the topics she'd discussed with Lane without interruption.

Jade didn't want to tell him everything, but she found she did want to tell him some things, it almost helped her feel a bit lighter being able to voice some of her thoughts from the morning. Beck brushed off her apology for not answering her phone with his standard chilled attitude; it confused Jade a little, his words didn't quite match his behaviour, but she ignored it for now, asking about his own day instead.

Beck gave a somewhat sanitised version of his day, glossing over the trouble he'd experienced in favour of describing Trina's screams after the sprinkler went off and how impressed he was at Cat's British accent in the afternoon improv. He avoided mentioning what he'd stayed behind for and Jade didn't press him, although it didn't go unnoticed. It was aggravating but she was trying hard to put her trust in him, if it was something she needed to know, she wanted to trust that he'd tell her when he was ready.

They watched television for a bit, only interrupted as Mr West arrived home. This time he didn't bother to walk up the stairs instead calling up to let them know they should go ahead and sort out dinner; he had work to do all evening so would be in his office. Beck scowled, his annoyance at her father outweighing relief that they wouldn't be forced to sit through another excruciating dinner but Jade barely even blinked. She couldn't stop her mind wandering to the office and the lonely picture in the corner of the bookshelf, but she simply squeezed the foam as hard as she could, willing the flood of anger and abandonment to move on before Beck noticed.

They ended up ordering pizza that Jade struggled to do little more than pick at after the first slice. Beck pretended he hadn't noticed and dutifully ate the crusts that she left behind, earning him a half smile from Jade. The evening was an altogether quieter affair, with the only real difference taking place as Beck came back into the bedroom after cleaning his teeth to see Jade sat on the side of the bed, quietly contemplating the contents of her hand.

"What ya doing?" He tried for playful but one look at Jade's face and he could tell the situation was anything but. He approached her only to see a little blue pill was resting in the palm of her hand, the clear recipient of her hard stare.

"Sleeping pill?" He questioned quietly.

"Yeah." Jade swallowed, wondering how something that looked so innocuous could be giving her so much grief. Beck moved carefully to sit down next to her on the bed, taking care not to jostle her.

"Are you going to take it?"

Jade's lips twitched. Even now she'd taken it out the little foil packet she was still undecided.

"It's stupid really."

"No, it isn't." Beck reached over and closed her fist around it, putting his hand on top of hers in a supportive gesture and placing a kiss on the side of head. He knew Jade had a soft spot for those types of kisses in particular, she'd often proffered him the side of her head when they were dating before whether it was as one of them was leaving or simply snuggled up together either in bed or on the couch. Now, he hoped they conveyed the silent support and love she needed; letting her know whatever decision she made, he would stand by her. He got back up and went to turn down the lights and the other side of the duvet. It was out of the corner of his eye he saw Jade straighten her back and toss her head back as she swallowed the little blue capsule. He covered his surprise at her actions as he got into bed, manoeuvring the pillows so she had one extra on her side; he'd noticed her shoulder had been giving her a lot of pain the previous evening. He let Jade settle into his side and again felt himself relax in her presence as he pulled their book into his lap.

He knew the pill must have had some effect as Jade was asleep after barely thirty minutes of his reading. Deciding it would be wise to follow suit, Beck closed the book and switched off the final light before shutting his own eyes. His arm tightened slightly around Jade in the dark, a final reassurance that she was still right there beside him.

* * *

Jade found herself being pulled from her sleep before she was ready, her eyes blinking as they struggled to adjust to the darkness. The darkness.

'All that stress over a pill and I've still woken up in the middle of the night.' Jade thought, somewhat annoyed that for the amount of deliberation that had gone into the decision and it hadn't kept her asleep at least until dawn. She winced as she found she'd slipped down the pillows and her sling was caught in Beck's hand, pulling her shoulder in an odd angle. She freed the sling and tried to settle again, only to realise that she was too uncomfortable to go back to sleep any time soon. Her mind was also wide awake, filing through her thoughts as though she'd been awake for hours. With a small sigh, she carefully slipped out from under Beck's arm and shuffled to the edge of the bed. After sparing a quick glance to check she hadn't disturbed him, Jade moved quietly from the room.

She switched on the floor lamp to the lowest setting, appreciating the warm glow it gave the room. She sat back down on the sofa and thought about switching on the television or maybe going downstairs to get a glass of water although neither seemed to appeal to her. The room felt stuffy, as though the air was somehow heavier than before, making it difficult to breathe. Then there was the faint smell of paint. Jade quickly realised where that line of thinking was going to take her, especially if the new tightness in her chest was any indication and she sprung up from the sofa. She unlocked the French doors and opened them to let some of the fresh night air in, hoping it would be sufficient to distract her.

Curiosity got the better of her as she ventured out onto the balcony for the first time since she arrived at her father's house. She walked up to the railing and took several deep breathes, keen to steady her heartbeat before it got out of control. She idly wondered if this was a side effect of the pill she'd taken or just her brain doing its usual PTSD thing; either way, she wanted it to stop. She felt her agitation rise as he shoulders twinged painfully again, the ache having never really left since she woke up. Frustrated she pulled the sling off entirely, keeping her arm raised but letting it drop a little which almost immediately took the pressure of. Jade allowed herself a small sigh of relief before manoeuvring herself into one of the cushioned loungers set-up a few paces away. As she sat, she carried on the rhythm that was now becoming second nature to her.

_In for three, hold for three, out for four. _

_In for three, hold for three, out for four. _

There was comfort in the repetitions, a distraction that helped her ground her thoughts and help balance out her breathing. As she breathed, she looked out at the darkened view of the hills, the smallest sliver of sea visible in the distance if you knew what to look for, it's presence revealed through a reflection off that night's full moon. A cool breeze ruffled the bottom of her sleep shorts, but it wasn't enough to bother her just yet. An image of the cliff flashed in-front of her eyes, a white cliff surrounded by a stormy sea and an overcast sky. Jade wasn't sure if she'd just dreamed about it and forgotten or whether it was a memory from earlier in the day.

'What is the deal with that damn cliff anyway?' She wondered, none the wiser as to why she kept thinking of it, or even where it was. She re-focused her eyes on the horizon, hoping that soon enough she'd feel drowsy again.

* * *

Blood.

It was so clear he could smell it, taste it almost; the metallic twang was suffocating his senses and all he could see was red. He tried to move but his feet seemed to be fixed to the ground beneath him. He squinted, desperate to make out something among the red, his heart stopping when a familiar body came into view. Jade's body was twisted at a grotesque angle, her head tilted backwards towards him. He felt like his heart stopped as he saw her eyes open and lifeless, looking straight at him. He opened his mouth to scream but no sound came out. He tried to fight the invisible force keeping him still, frantic to get to her, but to no avail. The blood around her was growing faster and faster; Jade was dead, of that he was certain. The realisation crashed over him, yanking him from his sleep and bolting him upright in bed.

"Jade?" He all but shouted as his breathing came fast and uneven. It took a moment for his brain to catch-up, his eyes struggling to adjust in the dim light. He fumbled for the bedside light, still breathing heavily and thrown off balance as his spare hand searched for the warm body, he knew should be beside him. He slammed the lamp on, nearly knocking it clean off the stand as his other hand came up empty.

Jade wasn't there.

"JADE!"

This time he couldn't stop himself from shouting, leaping out of the bed. He stumbled backwards out the bedroom, his heart in his mouth as his thoughts started to race. His mind was filled with the visions from his nightmare, dread filling him. He almost tripped over his feet into the living area, his brain not comprehending the dim glow created by the floor lamp, instead only noticing that Jade wasn't there either. His eyes swept back and forth, adrenaline surging into his legs in preparation to run downstairs and out the front door to find her. It was only as he turned a silver glint caught the corner of his eyes, the organza of the curtains covering the balcony doors was blowing slightly in a gentle breeze.

Beck crossed the room in a matter of seconds, as his brain joined the dots as to how there was a breeze when he remembered shutting the doors before, they'd gone to bed. He almost shook with relief when he saw the outline of Jade sitting on a double lounger on the balcony. He gripped the door frame for support, finally giving his breathing a chance to start evening out; he felt like he'd run a marathon.

Jade hadn't noticed him straight away, transfixed by the crescent moon casting an eerie glow on the distant horizon. However, after a moment or two she became aware that someone was watching her and was unsurprised when Beck slipped out the French door. He padded quietly over to her and she moved almost without thinking to allow him to slip behind her. He noticed the discarded sling on the floor next to them, but he chose not to comment, instead option to carefully wrap her up in his arms.

They sat like that for a moment, Jade looking far out to sea and Beck simply taking comfort in her warm body wrapped up in his.

"Your heart is racing." The words were so quiet he almost missed them.

"Sorry." he murmured into her shoulder "Why are you out here?"

"Woke up, couldn't get back to sleep" she stated plainly "I did try so you can skip the lecture"

Usually Beck would have responded with something sarcastic, but he stayed silent, still savouring the feel of her body against his. It served as a reminder that she was still alive, that his nightmare was just that and he dearly needed a reminder just right now.

Jade frowned, suddenly aware of her boyfriend's odd behaviour and the almost desperateness to the tight hold he had on her. She shifted slightly, turning her head to look at him. Even in the dim light, she could see the tension in his face, the dampness in his hairline that betrayed his sweaty state.

"Beck what's wrong?" She was beginning to get concerned.

"Nothing, I just woke up and you weren't there." he sighed "I got worried is all."

Jade's frown deepened; this didn't seem like normal worried behaviour to her. As it was, she didn't understand why her no longer being in bed had concerned him so much. It was hardly the first time in their relationship she hadn't been there when he'd woken up. He'd often woken up in the RV only to find Jade had taken up in a chair outside, reading some horror novel or play to pass the time when she couldn't sleep. Now though, Jade sensed he was holding something back.

"Beck, I thought we were being honest with each other." She felt rather than saw him tense, her words were designed to provoke a reaction, but it didn't stop her feeling a slight twinge of guilt. After a moment, he sighed allowing some of the tension to leave again.

"I had a bad dream."

"About?" she prodded

"It's not important."

"Beck?" She looked him straight in the eyes now, trying to get a read on him. She could see the stress and anxiousness within them, and it worried her.

"It was about you." he offered, still not willing to part with all the information.

"I'd figured that much for myself, what happened?" The tension was back, and Jade felt his grip tightened, his bare chest now cool and slightly clammy against her thin top.

"And it's the same one I've had before, I go back to the moment I found you unconscious and surrounded by, by your blood." Jade took a shallow breath in, Beck had never spoken about this before.

"Except in the dream I can't move no matter how much I try and-" Beck broke off, feeling tears spring to his eyes.

"And?" Jade prompted quietly, wanting him to get it out despite simultaneously dreading what he was about to say.

"And you're almost certainly dead." This time it was Jade who tightened her grip on him, bringing her good arm up to wrap around his. Beck held on tight, shaking slightly with the effort, his face now buried in her shoulder. Usually he could just about shake the dream off, but something about waking up and finding Jade gone had tipped him over the edge.

Jade lifted her hand and took his in hers before ever so gently moving it over her chest and covering her heart, mirroring the same gesture he'd done to her two weeks ago when she first woke-up in the hospital bed. Even in his present state, Beck knew not to press too hard, but took immense comfort from the steady, repetitive thrum of her heartbeat under his hand and the warmth of her hand covering his.

"I'm still here." she said quietly, eyes roaming over his face "We both are."

* * *

**Another one down, Jade is fighting to move forward (and starting to win.) while Beck is fighting his own battles. ****I'll be honest, I've had that last section written since March... glad I finally got to write it in! Crazy how one idea can follow you around. **

**I thought it was time some of the gang made a reappearance (albeit brief); and they will be back next chapter as I'm sure Tori is dying to know what Jade thought of the hamper. Also, we will find out what has Mr West been up to (apart from being an awful human...).**

**As always, all spelling and grammar mistakes are my own - I wrote half of this recovering from a migraine so while I did check it there could be some amusing mistakes in there (sorry!). **

**Thank you to all the lovely people who have reviewed so far, never fails to put a smile on my face. **


	34. Chapter 34

Jade was still the first to wake in the morning, squinting in the brightness as a gap in the blind let the morning sun pour in. A gentle breeze accompanied the light blowing in from the open window, as evidence of their night-time interlude. When the pair had finally made their way back to bed, the bedroom had seemed unbearably stuffy in comparison to the balcony. Jade noticed Beck's arms were still around her although his grip wasn't as tight as it had been when he fell back asleep. Jade felt a frown take over her face, she'd been so caught up in her own life for the past few days she'd forgotten to keep an eye on Beck, forgotten the worries he had shared with her previously. Guilt rose within her and she shifted uncomfortably; Beck's arms tightened in response. Not for the first time in recent weeks, Jade didn't know what to do.

She carefully reached into her trouser pocket, seeking the solid lump that reminded her she'd never taken her phone out before getting back into bed. The time read 7:30 and Jade felt her mood lift slightly; despite being up in the small hours of the morning, she had slept in more complete chunks than she'd managed in the last few nights. They'd have to be getting up soon as Lane was coming a little earlier, so they had time to get to the hospital in the afternoon for her first check-up; something Jade was not looking forward to. She'd only been away from the hospital a few days and wasn't impressed she had to go back so soon. She slid the phone down onto the duvet and curled closer to Beck for a moment, not ashamed to admit to herself that she wanted just a few more minutes of peace and comfort before the day had to begin. Beck's front was pressed up against her back, a slightly different position to that of previous nights, where she was normally cuddled up to his side. He had one arm under her which Jade was sure had gone numb by now and the other draped over her middle, skilfully avoiding her broken shoulder; his head was just on his own pillow but still tilted towards her. Jade carefully moved her good arm up to take his hand in hers. She only held it loosely but, for a reason she couldn't quite understand, she was overwhelmed with the need to hold it for a moment. She closed her eyes and tried to even out her breathing using the techniques Lane had taught her in the hope she'd be able to find rest again, if only for a few more minutes.

* * *

Beck had woken as Jade had shifted against him but didn't open his eyes, exhaustion still setting in. He could see the light from behind his eyelids so knew it couldn't be long before they had to be up. It took him by surprise when Jade took his hand in hers; the intimacy of the gesture not lost on him. He stifled an inward groan as he recalled the events from the small hours of the morning; the nightmare, the panic, Jade's own reaction. They'd sat outside on the balcony for at least another hour, not talking but just sitting until he had noticed that she was getting visibly cold. Beck had thought he'd recovered from the nightmare until he was settling back between the covers and the images flashed before his mind again. He knew he'd taken Jade by surprise when he'd abandoned their normal position in favour of a tight spoon, allowing him to feel her whole body against his. She hadn't said anything but between that and his actions after the nightmare, he was certain she wasn't going to let it slide.

His thoughts were stopped from going any further by the persistent chiming of his phone alarm. He slipped his hand out from under Jade and shut it off as Jade groaned out loud. Beck couldn't hold back the snigger at his girlfriend's reaction, she never was a morning person. Jade twisted in his arms so she was looking up at him, her displeasure at the alarm sounding written plainly across her face.

"Morning."

"Yeah, it is." Beck fought back another smile at her response, instead feeling a twinge of worry at what her words meant.

"Did you get any more sleep?"

"I did actually, not loads, but I was asleep."

"That's an improvement then." Beck tried to keep his tone light, but he knew the inevitable was about to come.

"What about you?"

"I slept alright." He tried for breezy, but Jade wasn't convinced.

"Really?"

"Really!"

The look on Jade's face confirmed that his defensiveness had done nothing to convince her. Beck rolled away, wanting to avoid further questioning and Jade let him go; sometimes it was better to let him have the space to work through things. He may have missed a lot of what she was hiding during their relationship, but Jade liked to think of herself as a bit of an expert on Beck's psyche, a benefit of having such a transparent boyfriend. He was very internal, very introspective which they shared, but the difference was Beck often had his written all over his face. She could tell when he was in the middle of a deep deliberation and knew it was no use trying to get him to talk until he was ready. The previous night he had been vulnerable and needed to talk but now he was trying to come to terms with it himself, and she knew that forcing the point would only push him further away.

Pushing her own introspection to one side, Jade sat up and experimentally rolled her damaged shoulder joint. It was stiff and the pain was still present, but the aching was better, and it hadn't disturbed her during the night. She reached for the sling and manoeuvred her arm back into it, the support now welcomed. She went through the exercises on autopilot, letting her hand stretch and rotate as the muscles were moved one by one. Just as she finished up, Beck came back into the room sporting slightly damp hair with his towel wrapped around his waist.

"Bathroom is all yours."

Jade nodded, moving herself up and towards the door, all too aware Beck was watching her to make sure she didn't stumble. She pushed back at the familiar annoyance as she remembered the scene from not too long ago where she had ended up trapped on the hospital shower room floor. She left the bathroom door slightly ajar, a reluctant if unspoken compromise.

In the bathroom, she regarded her appearance critically in the mirror, still unhappy with how she still didn't look like herself. Despite the increased sleep of the previous evening, her under-eye bags looked bigger than ever, a complement to the dark shadows that marred her still too pale skin. She impatiently pulled a brush through her hair only to wince as she caught the site of her previous cut and the skin pulled. She found herself trying to take a calming breath before easing off the pressure on her hairbrush. She knew getting frustrated would get her nowhere, but she didn't know how that was supposed to help her not feel frustrated. She pulled her hair into a half-hearted parting, she wasn't missing the colourful streaks as much as she thought she would, but she noticed her dye was starting to grow out, her lighter roots becoming slightly more visible. She fought the urge to scowl at them. Dyeing her hair was not going to be a job she could do one handed.

As she returned to the bedroom, she found clothes Beck had laid out for her and her eyes narrowed.

"I know, but these are all the clean clothes you have left, they were in the drawer with mine." Again, Jade swallowed the frustration that had been rising at what she had assumed was Beck's fussing and simply nodded. She wasn't sure what the solution was to that, she knew she had to go back to the house at some point, but she didn't think she could handle it right now. If she had the choice, she would never set foot in that house again, but she had a feeling Lane would be bringing it up sooner rather than later. She quickly stamped down on that train of thought, it was veering too close to the list of currently forbidden topics she'd tried to banish from her mind.

After dressing, during which Beck had tried to make himself as inconspicuous as possible in the living area and failed miserably, they made their way downstairs only to cross paths with Mr West as he was headed out. The awkwardness was tangible. Jade remembered the missed call from the day before, wondering for the first time what he had actually wanted. He'd never left a message and barely said more than a few words to them when he'd arrived home in the evening.

"Good morning Jade."

"Hi."

Beck lingered behind her, unsure if he should say anything given Mr West hadn't bothered to address him. He met his eyes and Mr West gave him a curt nod.

"You are going to the hospital today?"

"Yes, this afternoon." She wasn't sure whether it was a question or a statement, or even how he knew.

"You'll let me know how it goes?" Jade's eyes narrowed reflexively, if he already knew about the appointment from someone other than her, couldn't he get the outcome in the same way?

"Sure, if you're around this evening?" The accusation in her words couldn't be missed and Mr West's face twitched slightly.

"We'll talk then." And with that, he walked out the door without a glance back, leaving Jade standing in the foyer unsure if she was more bewildered at his actions or annoyed. She wasn't sure why she'd even asked him if he'd be around, she would rather he wasn't as it made her life less complicated, less feelings to deal with. She didn't want to talk about anything with him.

"Breakfast?" Beck had been watching her carefully, unsure of whether he needed to pull her from her thoughts or let them continue. Jade didn't say anything but nodded and they made their way into the kitchen only to find Vera was already standing over by the sink.

"Oh, good morning you two, I thought I heard you coming down." To Beck' surprise, Jade didn't flinch at the woman's presence, instead slowly approaching her and taking one of the glasses of juice that had been set aside.

"Toast again Jade?"

"Yes, thanks." Vera smiled at her before prompting Beck.

"Young man?"

"Toast would be great, thank you."

"Oh, it's no problem dear; Jam, butter or marmalade?"

"Marmalade would be great." Beck was enthusiastic as he also took a glass of juice as Vera bustled around readying their toast.

"Have you got a busy day planned?" The question was aimed at the both of them, but Beck answered it smoothly.

"Fairly, we've got an appointment to keep in the afternoon."

"Do you need a lift anywhere? My car may not be the most modern, but it gets me from 'a to b' as they say, and the radio is second to none."

Beck smiled as he shook his head.

"Thanks for the offer but we'll take my truck."

"Well if you change your mind, just let me know."

Jade watched their interaction quietly. Beck seemed so at ease again, no trace of his earlier anxiety; he seemed so normal it didn't quite make sense. It was making her question whether she really knew Beck as well as she thought she did. He seemed to slip from one mindset to the other almost seamlessly. Jade found herself wandering out to the deck like she had the day before, followed shortly by Beck carrying a laden tray that Vera had prepared. Breakfast was a quiet affair, but Beck could tell that Jade's mood had shifted from earlier. He didn't say anything, assuming her change in mood was due to the run-in with her father and therefore she would not want to talk about it. It came as a surprise when Jade laid down her knife and fixed him with a stare.

"So, are we going to talk about last night?" All her intentions of holding off until Beck was ready to talk had swiftly gone out the window with Beck's change in attitude. Jade didn't understand it and for some reason, that fact was making her inexplicably angry.

"What is there to talk about? I had a nightmare and got a bit freaked out."

"Right, so I have to talk about my feelings and thoughts whenever anyone demands it, but the same doesn't apply to you?"

"I don't know what you want me to say?"

Their argument was quickly becoming heated with Jade frustrated at Beck and Beck was firmly on the defensive.

"How about the truth Beck? You were acting off all of yesterday evening!"

"No, I wasn't. It was just a bad dream."

"And what about when you came in from school? Huh?" Beck's mind flitted back to the precious afternoon, to the feeling of relief when he saw Jade, the way almost desperate way he'd kissed her; he could have kicked himself, of course she'd noticed.

"Oh, so I'm not allowed to kiss you anymore? Sorry I didn't realise we have rules now." Beck lashed out and Jade visibly recoiled, hurt visible in her eyes. Beck immediately felt guilty, wishing he could take the words back as soon as they left his mouth.

"Jade, I didn't mean it like that." He said softly, desperate to get her to understand. "I'm sorry I just-"

"Just what?" Jade countered "You're doing is again Beck, you're holding me to a different standard than you hold yourself to; you're expecting me to be open with you even though you won't be with me."

Jade regarded him and Beck struggled to keep his eyes on hers.

"I was going to leave it until you were ready to talk, I really was, but you seem so normal this morning and I can't work out if you are actually fine or whether you're just really good at hiding things from me."

It was the opening Beck needed to insist he was fine, and that the severity of the nightmare was an anomaly but even as he opened his mouth, the words wouldn't come out. He knew it would be a lie.

He shut his mouth, defeated and Jade felt a simultaneous relief and dread with her victory. Beck had the grace to look slightly ashamed as he started down at his toast crusts. He wanted to say something but was stopped as Jade looked slightly behind him, Lane had appeared in the doorway to the kitchen.

Jade stifled a groan at the counsellor's lousy timing.

"I'm not going to force you to talk Beck, that's for you to decide, but this isn't going to work if you can't trust me." Jade kept her voice firm, trying to keep the slight tremor out of it as the gravity of her words hit both of them. Beck wanted to protest, to make her believe that he trusted her and that this was really nothing, but he couldn't find the words.

"Morning Jade, Morning Beck." Lane approached the table with his own plate of toast in his hand and, for once, Jade chose to interact with the counsellor as Beck stayed silent.

As they exchanged muted pleasantries, Beck felt panic swirling in his stomach; was he really about to lose Jade again? He came out of his thoughts to find Lane was giving him a pointed look as he spoke about schoolwork, reminding Beck it was his time to leave so they could have their session. He moved his chair back wordlessly, meeting Jade's eyes for a second before he departed without a word. Jade bit her lip, worried she had pushed him too far and ended up pushing him away completely. Their change in behaviour did not go unnoticed by the counsellor.

"Everything okay there?" Jade didn't supress the roll of her eyes, Lane was nothing if not predictable.

"No, he's being weird." If Lane was surprised by her honesty, he didn't let it show.

"Weird?"  
"He's all clingy again, like he's terrified of leaving me alone, but he won't admit to it." Lane considered her words, concerned that his chat and brief session with Beck the day before had done little to help if he was still in denial.

"Has something brought this on?"

Jade paused for a moment before choosing to answer, unsure if this was too personal for Beck for her to be sharing with Lane.

"He had a nightmare last night, and I wasn't in bed and by the time he found me his was so panicked I thought he was going to pass out."

"Hmm."

"Really, that's all you've got to say?" Jade was now glaring at the counsellor who remained unfazed.

"Jade there is such a thing as doctor-patient confidentiality, I can't tell you what I discuss with Beck any more than I can tell him what we talk about."

"But you have been talking with him?" Jade pressed.

"Yes."

Jade felt vindicated as she realised that she hadn't been misreading the signs that badly, but it was quickly followed with concern and a fair amount of guilt. Had she been so wrapped up in her own troubles that she failed to see that Beck was also suffering? He had told her before, when they'd had the argument-discussion that had ultimately led to them getting back together but it had barely been brought up since; the only time was when Jade had suggested he text her if he was starting to worry when he wasn't there. She thought back to the previous day when she'd missed three of his messages, had that been what triggered it? The problem was he did seem so normal most of the time.

'_But then again, what is normal about the way he runs around looking after me?' _In that moment, Jade hated herself again, hated her mother and the situation she'd put her in, hated her inability to control her emotions and hated the damn weight that sat on her chest no matter how hard she tried to get rid of it.

Lane watched the emotions play across her face, slowly at first and then all at once. He was concerned for both of his students, having spent many an evening lost in a mug of tea wondering about the injustice of the world for putting two people through so much at such a young age. For now, his main concern had to be Jade, but he resolved to revisit Beck later.

"Beck is facing his own struggles, as you well know you can't just come out the other side of something traumatic with no scars."

His words offered little comfort, but a small thought did break through, the thought that at least she wasn't the only one anymore. It was strange but she felt almost like the balance between them had evened out in the last 12 hours; he was no longer the pinnacle of health and normality caring for an emotionally screwed-up mess.

Lane sensed Jade wasn't going to want to talk further about Beck and moved the conversation on, keen to discuss her mother before Mr West brought it up again.

"Have you thought any more about a funeral for your mother?"

The response was instantaneous as Jade's eyes dropped into her lap, posture tensing as her gut clenched painfully.

"No." Her voice was low and strained.

"Can I ask why?" Lane was a little surprised that she hadn't thought about it at all, as while it was an uncomfortable topic, he would have thought it would have been difficult for her not to think about. Jade was realising the oddness of her admission just as Lane was; why hadn't she been thinking about it?

"I don't know, I guess it was just easier not to and it's not like there isn't plenty of other things I've had on my mind."

Lane seemed to accept this, but Jade wasn't finished.

"I did think about her yesterday a little, but I just want to feel normal again and yesterday was the closest I think I've been in a while and I didn't want to ruin it by thinking of her."

"I'm glad to hear you're making progress and I agree, the move to this house has put a lot on your plate but you can't avoid thinking about it forever; no matter how much you might want to."

Jade sighed.

"Yeah, I know."

"What are your feelings around a funeral?"

"I don't know – it doesn't make sense to me. It'd be like glamorising death; you know that crap that when a bad person dies everyone still mourns and remembers like one good thing about them but then-"

Jade broke off, unsure where that line of thought was actually going to take her.

"But what?"

"I don't know if she really was a bad person." Her words bought with them a flash of red-hot anger and she fought against a lump in her throat. The angry words she'd written in the notebook that was still stuffed down the side of the sofa from the day before rushed to the front of her mind.

"I hate her, and I hate everything about her, I hate what she did to me and what she took from me but, how much of it was the crap she was injecting into her veins?"

Jade didn't notice but she was digging her nails into her thighs again as the agitation rose inside her.

"All the research says addicts aren't in control but that's got to be bullshit because somewhere along the line she made a decision to take them, she decided that the feeling was more important than anything else." Jade got up from the table in a sudden movement, but Lane stayed put, keen to let her work through her feelings. She started to pace fervently, nails still running up and down a patch of her thigh.

"And even if she wasn't in control, how come she never saw anything she did. Shouldn't she have realised the first time she threw a fucking plate at me that she needed to change? Or was that an acceptable price to pay for the high she got?" Jade could remember the first time her mother had thrown something at her with a vivid clarity, the shock that had rooted her to the spot and the fury in her mother's glassy eyes because Jade had eaten the last of the pasta in the cupboard.

"Or the first time she woke up on the hall floor in a pile of her own vomit? Or when her husband left her? But then he's no better than her, in fact he may even be worse." Jade spat.

"At least she can blame the drugs, what was his fucking excuse for leaving me there? After he left, I didn't hear from him for months, he never even came back for his stuff. How can I condemn her while I live with him?"

In that moment, Lane knew they'd hit the crux of the problem Jade was facing in her head. Trying to rationalise feelings towards a dead person was never an easy task, even less so when a second conflicting person was still around.

"Well?!" Jade turned on him, eyes on fire but all the while pleading for an answer that Lane just didn't have.

"There isn't a straight-forward answer here Jade, for all the reasons you've just listed."

"I thought you were supposed to be a good counsellor?" Her words lacked the earlier heat and Lane didn't let them bother him, knowing there was no real meaning behind them. Jade sat back into the chair, letting her hand run through her hair in an unconscious move she'd seen Beck do many times before.

"I think you need to have a conversation with your father, you're struggling to reconcile his role in all this which, while it is in many ways separate to your mother's behaviour, the two are very much together in your head."

Jade couldn't argue with this but the thought of even trying to talk to the living statue that was Mr West made her skin itch.

"He won't want to talk, you've seen him."

"Yes, I have." Lane said carefully, "I've seen him on the defensive and caught off-guard while under pressure; it might be different if the two of you were to sit down properly."

"Now you're making excuses for him?"

"Not excuses but I'm more impartial than you, I'm trying to be fair."

Jade scoffed in response but said nothing further; regrettable thought it was to admit it, she realised Lane might have a point. She took a deep breath before letting the familiar counting take over, determined that the thought of talking to someone wasn't going to push her over the edge, even if that someone was her father.

The rest of the session was spent discussing how Jade could approach the discussion and whether she wanted anyone else there for it; she'd ultimately decided it would be better if it was just the two of them as she might be more likely to get an honest answer out of him. They finished with more breathing and sleep exercises; Lane having been encouraged as Jade admitted she'd taken a sleeping pill the night before. By the time it was over, Jade was exhausted and ready to crawl back into bed before she remembered the hospital appointment. With a sigh, she got up from the chair and managed to balance the tray so she could carry it back in with one hand. She delivered it to a grateful Vera who was elbow deep in washing up bubbles although somewhat quieter than Jade had become used to.

As she was climbing the stairs, she remembered the awkward way things had been left with Beck that morning, the way he'd departed without saying a word from the breakfast table. The thought of having it out with him again only served to make her more tired, she wondered if it was possible to put an argument on hold for the next few hours. Beck didn't immediately hear her come up, seemingly lost in his assignment on his laptop; Jade watched him for a moment before making herself known, mustering up a smile she hoped would tell him that she came in peace.

"Oh, sorry I didn't see you standing there." Beck jumped slightly but was relieved that Jade didn't look as angry as she had at breakfast, instead just looking tired.

"We only just finished." Jade flopped down on the couch next to him, careful to keep a respectful distance in case Beck didn't want to be close to her. Beck noticed straight away but didn't comment, not wanting to disturb the fragile peace between them.

"Look I'm sorry about this morning, I of all people shouldn't have pushed it." Jade had decided as she climbed the stairs that she would be the first to try and make peace. The conversation may not have been resolved but she didn't have the energy for so much conflict, especially with the one person in her life she'd really come to count on. Beck's reaction was almost instinctive as he protested.

"No you were right, your timing might have surprised me but I had plenty of opportunity to tell you what was going on in my head yesterday and I didn't – for a whole bunch of reasons but the main ones were not the right ones." He admitted.

It had been easy to pretend he was doing it to protect Jade as she had enough on her mind but, in reality, his own sense of self-preservation was playing an equally large, if not larger, part in his decision.

"I don't want to fight." Jade admitted.

"We're not fighting." Beck said firmly. "We're having an adult conversation."

Jade quirked an eyebrow in response, the corner of her mouth tugging up ever so slightly.

"Really?"

"Yes, really. And I promise I'll talk to you about it but not right now as we have to get going or we will be late to your appointment."

"Promise?" A flash of vulnerability crossed Jade's eyes, the fear of being let down was hard to dismiss after all these years. Beck pulled her to him in a half hug, closing the distance on the sofa between them.

"Promise."

He felt her smile against his neck as they took a moment to savour each other.

* * *

The journey to the hospital was uneventful beyond the usual LA traffic. They maintained a comfortable quiet as the radio played in the background however it was as they pulled into the car park that Jade began to feel a little odd. She felt hot all of a sudden and her stomach started to roll, Beck was half out the car before he noticed that not only had she not moved, but her face had taken on an even paler shade than usual.

"Jade?" He walked around to open the door, only to find Jade digging her nails back into her thigh.

"Jade?" he repeated, gently taking her hand and trying not to wince as her nails found his skin. Beck made a mental note to place an Amazon order for more stress balls. He noticed her breathing was too quick and he started to talk to her in low tones.

"It's okay, we're only visiting remember, you're not staying here."

Jade blinked a few times, trying to force her head to clear.

"I know that it's just, I can't-"

"It's okay, we don't need to go in just yet, take your time." He squeezed her hand, comforted when she squeezed back immediately.

"It's going to be fine, just breathe deep."

Breathing. Yes. That was it.

Jade's thoughts came in fragments, but her brain finally seemed to take over at Beck's reminder, forcing her into the familiar rhythm.

_In for three, hold for three, out for four. _

_In for three, hold for three, out for four. _

She pushed at the feeling of panic, forcing herself to focus in on the soft hand holding hers and the slight breeze coming through the open door. The mantra inside her head telling her that her lungs were not collapsing and that she was still breathing perfectly fine. It took almost ten minutes before Jade felt well enough to open her eyes properly and loosen her grip on Beck. She felt shaky and a small amount of annoyance that once again she'd managed to lose control at seemingly nothing.

"Think you can walk?" Beck's voice was soft but a welcome intrusion.

"Yeah." She was still a little breathless, but the annoyance was being channelled into determination. She wasn't about to let a fucking hospital get the better of her. Beck walked closely next to her but stopped himself from putting an arm around her, trying to let her assert her independence. In truth, he'd been expecting some sort of reaction from Jade earlier as Lane had warned him that it might force her into an unpleasant headspace.

LINE BREAK

The out-patients wing was a busy hive of activity, with medical staff of all levels seemingly constantly on the move. Beck signed Jade in, and they were directed to a seating area where the physio would meet with them and later Dr Griffiths. Jade shifted every few minutes in her seat, clearly uncomfortable with her surroundings. Beck fell back on an old routine and chattered on about nothing in particular to distract her; he had almost re-hashed his theatre history essay in its entirety by the time the Physiotherapist came to get them.

Jade felt no small amount of trepidation as she followed the man into a small examination room where he removed her sling. Beck sat quietly in the corner holding their jackets, content to stay silent unless she needed him. The physio was efficient, Jade would give him that, and he was pleased that her clavicle was healing well.

"Your soft tissues have settled nicely so you can reduce the use of your sling over the next week and then stop wearing it altogether. Keep up with the exercises and add in the new ones we've talked about. I'll see you again in four weeks for a final X-Ray."

Jade blinked; caught off-guard by the fact she could be ditching the sling by the end of the following week and by the way the doctor had acted as though it would nearly all be healed in another four. For some reason, it didn't seem plausible to Jade that her shoulder would feel normal in just another four weeks. She shuffled out the room still feeling bemused as Beck chatted happily about the good news that had evidently also caught him by surprise.

"At least you'll be more comfortable at night as well, I saw you ditch it yesterday."

"It's a pain in the ass to sleep in."

"Or a pain in your shoulder?"

"Shove it." There was no malice behind the words and even a small smile managed to play its way across her face, much to Beck's delight. In some ways the last few days had been some of the most challenging but at the same time it was as though parts of the old Jade were also managing to resurface. It was a confusing confliction, but Beck revelled in every sarcastic word and scowl she threw his way.

"Jade, I wasn't expecting to see you again so soon." Both looked up to see Dr Griffiths strolling towards them, white coat billowing behind them.

"This was the only appointment the physio could give me?"

"Yes, they must have scheduled you in to see me at the same time without realising I didn't need to see you until next week; still, now you're here we might as well do a check-up."

Jade's mood deflated a little with the knowledge she might have been able to leave without Dr Griffiths poking at her if the receptionist had done her job properly. Still she didn't voice her displeasure, although the expression on her face was probably doing that well enough on its own, and followed the doctor down the corridor to another examination room. This time, Beck was offered a seat outside which he took without question; he'd learnt Dr Griffiths was not someone to be trifled with.

"How has your head been since you've left."

"Manageable." Jade said truthfully. "I haven't need anything extra beyond what I take in the morning and the evenings."

"And the headaches."

"Still having them but they are not that bad, it's easier to ignore them."

"Mmm. Have you been sleeping?"

Jade internally rolled her eyes, fairly certain that the doctor didn't believe her about the pain.

"I struggled so I started taking the sleeping pills you prescribed."

Dr Griffiths was unable to hide her surprise at Jade's admission.

'_Ha!_' Jade knew it was childish, but she felt a certain victory over the Doctors scepticism, a feeling she never thought she'd associate with sleeping pills.

"How did you find them?"

"I went to sleep quickly but woke up almost exactly four hours later."

"Did you manage to go back to sleep?"

"Yes, but it took a while." Jade was still annoyed that she'd worked herself so much over taking them just for them not to work all that well.

"It will take a few nights to settle into the routine with them but are you getting a better quality of sleep?"

"I don't know, I only took them for the first-time last night." Jade admitted grudgingly "But I think so."

"See how it goes, we can always adjust them if you don't get on with them."

Jade nodded but kept quiet; if these didn't work, she had no interest in trying something else.

Dr Griffiths inspected both her healing head wounds and was seemingly content to let Jade go with no further instructions, beyond seeing her again in a week. As Dr Griffiths watched Jade walk down the corridor, she allowed herself a rare moment of emotion for her patient; Jade might still have a way to go but Dr Griffiths was more convinced now that she'd get there in the end.

* * *

They drove back to her father's house in much the same manner they had before, although with a stop at the El Huero drive-through as Beck claimed he had a craving for burritos. In the end he had bought so much food that Jade suspected his motives were more to try and encourage her to eat so she appeased him by nibbling on a few fries as they drove back into the hills. As they arrived back, a cheerful Vera greeted them, this time without the rubber gloves Jade had seen her in earlier. It was at this point Beck invited her to eat with them, fishing out an extra burrito that he'd picked up.

"Oh, how thoughtful, thank you Beck, I'd love to."

As they were sitting outside, Jade was once again struck with the oddity of the fact she didn't seem to mind Vera's presence. In fact, she was actually beginning to like listening to her tell stories even if they seemed nonsensical and often veered off to the point where they bared no relation to the start of the story at all. She didn't feel pressure in Vera's presence to engage in anything beyond an occasional acknowledgement that she was listening. Beck and Vera seemed happy to talk at length covering any number of topics from the traffic to the weather, all the way through to what could be found in the bargain bins at Walmart. Jade found herself actually following the conversation, and even adding in an occasional comment or nod to a story Beck was telling.

After Vera left the table, proclaiming she still had work to finish before she left for the day, Jade and Beck moved upstairs and back out onto the balcony although this time on separate loungers. Beck set up his schoolwork and Jade sat with her notebook on her lap, pages safely turned to the back so Beck wouldn't see any of the other notes. It laid open but untouched on her lap for a while before she started jotting down odd words, almost like a mood board that she'd often use when she was drafting an idea for a song or script. Most of it was non-sensical but it was enough to keep her occupied as Beck chipped away at his next essay.

Several hours had gone by when the ringing of Beck's phone interrupted the quiet between the two. He pulled it out, pulling a slight face as he saw the caller's ID.

"It's my mom."

"Aren't you going to answer it?" Jade was confused as to why he hadn't already, a feeling nagging at her that this was part of something that Beck had yet to tell her. He got to his feet as he answered the call.

"Hi Mom."

He gestured to Jade that he was going inside, and she nodded briefly, still unsure as to what was going on. The conversation was muffled by the unopened section of the French doors and Jade decided against straining to hear; she was reasonably confident after the morning's discussion he would tell her what was going on soon. She shut her notebook and pulled her own phone out, she had more texts from Cat but she bypassed them to go to The Slap instead, almost out of habit. She scrolled down the newsfeed warily, unsure if she really wanted to know what was happening at school and what she was missing out on. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary, a collection of posts from Tori about the Spring showcase, a few snippets of Andre's latest songs and a creepy video from Rex where he was guessing the shoe size of passing Northridge girls. She was about to exit the app when her phone started to buzz.

_Incoming call: Cat Valentine. _

Jade started at the phone as though it had never rung before. Her finger hovered over the reject button before she made a split-second decision and accepted the call instead.

"Hello?"

"Jadeeey! Hi! I knew you'd answer as I saw your green light on The Slap" Cat's squeal was so loud she had to move the phone away from her ear. "They all said you wouldn't want to talk but I knew you'd pick up." There was a kerfuffle in the background that Jade knew was the 'they' Cat referred to trying to shut her up.

"Jadeey I haven't seen you in ages."

"It's been, like, four days Cat."

"But you don't come to school anymore." She could practically see the pout on Cat's face.

"It's not forever Cat." Jade muttered although at this point it sure felt like forever; hell, she wasn't even sure she wanted to go back for the sheer awkwardness of it. She had no idea what rumours were being said but she was certain they weren't good ones. The truth was probably just as bad as the rumours and Jade had never taken being embarrassed well.

"Are you feeling any better?"

"A little."

There was more shuffling on the end of the phone that ended in a hurried "Just ask her."

"Tori wants to know if you liked your presents, but she said to tell you she's not actually here, but I don't get it because she's standing right next to Andre." Jade rolled her eyes as she heard more shuffling on the end of the phone and harried whispers.

"It's alright Cat, the stuff was great." Jade swallowed awkwardly, expressing gratitude wasn't something she was good at. "Say thanks to… to Tori and the others for me."

As she heard Cat relay her message, Jade heard Andre speak up.

"Just tell her we all miss her Cat."

Jade found herself swallowing again at Andre's smooth yet oddly subdued tone. She had been so quick to write them off after that evening in Karaoke Dokie but she wasn't so sure now that their intentions had been quite what she thought they were. She stayed quiet as Cat repeated Andre's message more successfully than Tori's and then let Cat ramble on about the latest happenings in Sikowitz's class for a bit before she heard the bell sounding through the phone. Jade ended up having to convince Cat to hang up and get to the last class of the day, with Cat only agreeing on the condition she could visit at the weekend.

As Jade set her phone down, she could hear Beck still on the phone with his own mom; Beck's half of the conversation had gotten louder but still not enough for Jade to hear what was being said. She stared down at her phone, thinking of Tori, Andre and Robbie as she tried to figure out their motivations. It still didn't make sense to her why they'd sent the hamper given how strained things had been recently. She still wasn't sure what to think of the text messages she'd had off of Robbie and Andre in the immediate aftermath of the accident. Everything surrounding the group seemed so jumbled in her head.

She pushed it to one side, resolving to talk to Beck about it later. The past few months she'd been under the impression they were Beck's friends not hers, and Beck got them in the break-up. Although Cat was the outlier who just flitted around. Jade knew she hadn't gone out of her way to mix with them either, but she'd been hurt when communication had just seemed to deteriorate when she and Beck had split. Seeing them all at Karaoke Dokie that evening had just been the final straw in Jade's mind but now she questioned it.

Beck's return broke her train of thoughts, her own concern growing as she saw the strain on his face.

"Problems?" She questioned and Beck sighed, moving to sit on the edge of the lounger so he faced her.

"Their flight is landing tomorrow morning and they want me to get them from the airport."

"And?"

"And they don't want me staying here every night."

Jade frowned. It wasn't entirely unexpected but that didn't help the feeling of uncertainty inside of her at the thought of Beck not being there when she was so used to it. Beck looked more outwardly torn up than Jade hoped she was allowing herself to look which sparked a whole new issue in her head. Beck's nightmare from the previous evening would have been even more terrifying for him if he hadn't found her on the balcony. Jade cleared her throat slightly.

"How often will they let you come over?" Beck shrugged angrily, his frustrations starting to bubble over.

"It's complete shit, I'm nearly an adult; I don't even live in their damn house anymore so I don't know where they get off thinking they can tell me what to do."

Jade winced; it took a lot to make Beck swear.

"They just think they're doing what's best." She said quietly, although she wasn't exactly sure why she was defending them.

"Well they should ask first! Why do they assume they know what's best for me, and for you?" He kicked out at the leg of the lounger, swearing loudly again. His agitated reaction was so out of character, Jade's concern continued to grow; maybe Beck's parents had a point. She reached out and put her hand on his knee, trying to get his attention. It worked as almost immediately he picked it up to hold it in his own.

"Beck, talk to me." Jade was firm now, her words not giving Beck the option to back out. Beck swallowed, he knew he was being irrational, and his mom was only worried about him but the thought of being separated from Jade was making his stomach twist unpleasantly.

"It's like I told you in the hospital, I get worried when I'm not around you."

Jade inwardly rolled her eyes for what felt like the hundredth time that day, obviously Beck was not going to be making this easy.

"Seems to be more than worried." Jade stated plainly, fixing Beck with a hard stare. She could see his body language was uncomfortable, but he seemed to be picking his words very carefully.

"Sometimes it's a bit more, the nightmares are what makes it worse, other than that it's fine."

Jade didn't believe him for one second.

"So, when I didn't answer your texts yesterday morning, you were absolutely fine?"

Beck's posture slumped and Jade knew she had him there. Beck wanted to deny the happenings of the previous day, his distraction in class and the fact he'd considered leaving after break as his third message went unanswered. He could still feel the panic in his gut and the way it had made his hands clammy every time he checked his damn phone.

'_But how would Jade know that?_' Beck suddenly thought, an angry idea suddenly rearing in his head.

"So, is that why you didn't answer my texts, you and Lane been talking about me when I'm not here?" He was angrily echoing something Jade had accused him of just the week before, although he didn't realise it. Jade struggled to stay calm at the accusation.

"No, I told you my phone was upstairs, and I didn't realise. Therapy with Lane is kind of intense, so I wasn't thinking about my phone."

Beck immediately felt guilty at his insinuation, Jade could be vindictive but not when it really mattered. She wouldn't have wanted to hurt him, not anymore.

"Lane and I only spoke about you for the first time this morning, and he didn't tell me anything. I didn't even ask that much because I know what it's like to have people think they can discuss and debate your private life while you're not there." Jade's tone was pointed now and it furthered Beck's general feeling of shame.

"I'm sorry." He squeezed her hand tighter and Jade squeezed back before moving herself up and across to Beck's lounger, feeling the need for closeness.

"You lashed out." She stated, her tone matter of fact. "I understand, I do it all the time, but did you ever think that I might be the one person who can actually understand what you're feeling?"

Beck realised in that moment, that it really hadn't crossed his mind that Jade might get what he was feeling. He'd been so concerned with not adding to her burden and minimising his feelings to himself and everyone around him that he hadn't even considered Jade might me the one who could understand.

He shook his head in response.

"Right before I have an attack, my stomach starts to flip, and twist and it makes me feel sick. My head feels like it's been wrapped in cotton wool and sometimes it makes my vision blurry or start to tunnel. My thoughts speed up, but they don't seem to make sense and then my breathing gets short. Sometimes I swear it feels like my heart is about to bust out my chest and it's painful to the point at which sometimes I wonder if I'm dying."

Jade took a sudden intake of breath, thinking about the symptoms was unsettling enough that it made her feel anxious. Talking about them was even worse, it was information she never intended for Beck to know but now things had changed, she wanted to get through to him.

"Most of the time, it feels like I have a giant weight sitting on my chest and I have to fight to keep it from getting worse. If I start to panic, it feels like the weight is squeezing the air out of my lungs."

Beck hung on every word she said, both surprised and honoured that she was sharing this with him; the rushed quality of her tone indicating that this was definitely not easy for her.

"I kind of felt like that last night, but it was more I woke up sweating and when I couldn't find you, I couldn't catch my breath and my heart was racing; adrenaline I guess." Beck shrugged, trying not to linger on his thoughts from the night before.

"The rest of the time it's just a feeling that follows me around, it's weird it's like a little cloud of doom."

"A feeling that tells you something bad is going to happen but won't tell you what?"

"Yeah." Jade's description was spot on but as he looked at her, he knew why; she had one too.

"And sometimes it's easy enough to brush it to one side, like how it was at the hospital or this afternoon but then it isn't again, usually if we're in different places and it just eats away at me."

He ran a hand through his hair, scratching his scalp as he went. Admitting to his feelings hadn't been a magical release but it felt good to get some of it off his chest. In the after-school meeting with Lane the previous evening, he hadn't given much away, and Lane had just walked him through some thought rationalisation exercises. Beck had given them a half-hearted attempt before giving up; they made him feel ridiculous.

"Welcome to my world." Jade's soft if slightly rueful reply jerked him back to the present. On autopilot, Beck's arms went around her, and Jade extended her good arm to hold him back as they laid down onto the back of lounger. Beck found his eyes shutting for a moment as he took comfort in the embrace as Jade also relaxed against him.

"Is that why you stayed after school yesterday?" Jade murmured, twisting her head to look up at him from her place on his chest.

"Yeah."

"Did it help?" Jade tried to tread carefully, reminding herself of how intrusive she found it if someone asked about her own therapy; it was off to be on the other end of the conversation for once.

"Not really." Beck admitted. "But I don't know if I gave it a fair shot." If he was being honest, he may as well be completely honest.

"Lane might be a pain in the ass, but I think he knows what he's talking about. You should give him a chance."

Beck exhaled, not willing to respond just yet. What Jade was saying made perfect sense, but it didn't make it any easier to swallow.

"Beck." Jade prodded. "You can't carry on like this, we can't be with each other every minute of the day and night."

"I know that." Beck let some frustration bleed through into his words, but Jade ignored it, tightening her grip on him a little.

"Besides, it wouldn't work anyway."

"What wouldn't?"

"Being with each other 24/7, your brain would still find a way to worry and panic, it's not something you can just appease."

That fact was something Jade was learning all on her own. Removing triggers didn't solve anything, at best it provided temporary relief, but it was like her brain would adapt and re-focus either on something entirely new or just another aspect of what she had originally been anxious over.

Jade had found herself struggling with the sheer variety of things that seemed to evoke a panic response in her, whether it was thinking about certain topics, the smell of paint (and that one really didn't make sense to her) or just simply sitting quietly; it was exhausting trying to constantly balance things out and keep control of her response. At least earlier at the hospital made more sense to her, the hospital wasn't exactly a hive of good memories for her so while it hadn't been pleasant, her reaction had been somewhat justifiable in her mind.

Beck stayed quiet for a while, chewing over everything Jade had said and realistically he knew she was right. He couldn't carry on the way he was; it just wasn't going to work. He supressed a sigh before agreeing to talk to Lane properly and he could swear he felt Jade relax a bit more against him with his admission. He supposed he wanted to do it for her as much as for himself; he knew he had worried her with his behaviour, and he hated it.

On a whim, he tried the counting to ten Lane had suggested the previous evening, counting slowly and not letting yourself get distracted until you got to ten. He wasn't entirely sure what the point was, but he felt a little overwhelmed and needed something to focus his mind on. By the time he got to ten, he wasn't sure whether it had made a difference, but he didn't feel any worse. He opened his mouth to speak again, this time looking down at Jade, but rapidly shut his mouth again when he saw she'd fallen asleep against him. He felt his heart swell a little at the sight. It may not have been the first time in recent weeks she'd fallen asleep against him but every time it felt like a privilege that she trusted him enough to let herself fall asleep. He was glad, she'd had a tough day so far and she'd already looked tired after her session with Lane. He only hoped her brain would let her stay asleep for a while, and not wake her up with a start in twenty minutes time. Beck carefully moved his head to a more comfortable position and let his own eyes start to shut. School could wait for a few hours.

* * *

**For a chapter that I originally thought would be uneventful, I managed over 9000 words so I hope you think it was worth it. I know I said Mr West would be back again but Beck and Jade decided to have it out, as Beck definitely needed to start being more honest with himself. Mr West will be in the next chapter as Jade attempts to battle her demons head on. **

**All mistakes are my own. Thank you to those who reviewed the last chapter, I love hearing your thoughts. **


	35. Chapter 35

Mr West sat quietly in his study, his elbows resting on his desk as his head was supported by his fingers. He could feel the familiar stirrings of a headache sitting behind his eyes. He'd barely been home from work ten minutes when his daughter had intercepted him. What he'd hoped would have been a brief conversation had been even shorter as she had informed him, she was too tired to talk tonight and told him they would speak in the morning. Even then he'd bristled at the way she'd almost ordered him but there had been no opportunity to argue as she'd returned to her room soon after. Something about her manner had changed from before, she wasn't as displaced as she'd seemed on the hospital or ever during the first night's meal. He knew that when she said 'talk', it was going to be about more than her check-up appointment.

He rubbed his forehead wearily, moving to shut off the computer screen as he realised no work would be getting done that evening. He wasn't sure what Jade thought they would gain from talking, he didn't have any answers for her. Did he feel guilt over the situation? Absolutely, but as far as he was concerned there was nothing he could change about the past. He wanted to try now and make things right, but he had no idea how. He wasn't even sure Jade would let him if he tried. His usual escape was his work, but he didn't find it quite as easy to focus at the moment. He'd even tried to call her the other day, but she hadn't picked up; it hadn't been mentioned since.

He found himself turning in the chair to look up at the small photo frame which encased the only photo of his daughter he had in the house. He could still remember the day Amanda had told him she was pregnant. They'd been married for almost three years, but the cracks were already starting to show. She had argued with him about the long hours he worked away and he'd often retaliate that she was just as bad except she didn't have to take overnight trips. Nothing was ever resolved as he would disappear into his study and Amanda would drown her sorrows in something expensive out of the drinks cabinet. They'd both hoped a baby would be a fresh start but early into her pregnancy Johnathan West had found himself unsure if he even wanted a child, their relationship as fragile as it was. Despite his misgivings, he'd been overwhelmed when they handed the little pink bundle to him in the hospital only to see a big pair of blue eyes looking back up at him.

Unfortunately, it hadn't taken long for things to go downhill again. He was never a natural parent and often felt resentful towards Amanda that his life was being changed so much. He buried himself further into his work, picking up unnecessary projects to keep him sane, or at least that was how he justified it. He liked to think he did what was expected of a father, attending parent's evenings and junior shows when he was able, although he would struggle to remember how many if asked. He'd managed to overlook sometimes returning home to empty liqueur bottles when she'd stayed at home full-time, a vice to stay sane in the monotony of child rearing she'd once commented. When Amanda had returned to work when Jade was in-school, the tension between the two of them only intensified as they argued more but somehow saw each other less; Jade was collateral damage in a toxic relationship. Slowly Amanda had drunk and smoked more and the arguments reached their pinnacle. Jade was still relatively young but even then, she had been asserting herself as a difficult child, moody and withdrawn; he'd had no clue how to deal with her.

As he'd left the house, he had half a plan on how to approach the ensuing disaster that would be the divorce battle, custody proceedings, alimony etc., but it had never come. The respective pre-nuptial agreements took care of most of the issues and the question of Jade's custody was almost overlooked as it was assumed, she'd default to stay with Amanda. Mr West hadn't questioned it, agreeing he would see Jade on alternate weekends but that had petered off within a few months. On the times she had come, she never said much to him or acted as though she even wanted to be there, so he hadn't chased when she'd stopped coming. He liked to think he was doing it in her best interest but, deep down, it was simply easier not to rock the boat.

He let out an audible sigh, although the action was redundant as he was the sole occupant of the room. The emptiness had never bothered him before, it had barely even been worthy of noticing but now it seemed different somehow, colder and more prominent. He shook his head as though trying to snap himself out of it and reached for the last of the amber liquid sitting in a glass to his left. He downed the contents in one, before switching the monitor back on; maybe there was still time for one last check through his emails.

* * *

Beck was surprised when he opened his eyes to find Jade still fast asleep, head pillowed half on her own pillow and half on his shoulder; sleeping had become much more comfortable for her now she removed the sling overnight. Beck experimentally stretched his legs out as he recalled the previous night's activities; mercifully he'd had no nightmares despite his broken sleep. Jade had been less lucky as she'd slept well to start with before ending up restless and slipping in and out of bad dreams. At his suggestion, they'd gone back out to the balcony to change the scenery although not for as long as they had the previous night.

His phone buzzed quietly, reminding him that he had to pick his parents up from the airport in a few hours, something he still wasn't happy about. He looked down at Jade again and saw the tell-tale twitch that she was slowly waking up again. He was still looking when her eyes blinked open, squinting as the sleepiness cleared from them before she predictably huffed and shut them again.

"What time is it?" Her voice was half muffled by his t-shirt as she sought to bury her head from the light filtering through the blind.

"A little after seven thirty."

Jade groaned again in response.

"The first time Lane isn't around for therapy and I still can't sleep in."

Lane had agreed that weekend therapy was probably overkill, given that Jade had been making significant progress over the week. Jade was more than happy to agree, as two days off practically seemed like a holiday. While even she could no longer insist therapy was pointless, it did take a lot out of her. She was beginning to find she could be somewhat resentful on days she woke up feeling something close to normal only for it to be knocked aside by a therapy session that only served to remind her of the mess she was in.

"You don't have to get up yet." Beck suggested but he knew she wouldn't agree.

"What's the point? I won't sleep anymore anyway." The sleeping pill only seemed to give her a head start on the night's sleep which, while it was an improvement on before, also was frustrating when she'd spent the rest of the night feeling restless. Hyperawareness was a symptom Lane had spoken to her about quite extensively but apparently simply knowing your brain was on the fritz wasn't enough to combat the symptoms.

"What time does their flight land?"

"10, so I'll have to be there for 11."

"Are you going home first?"

"Na, seeing as I'll be going home with them anyway." He thought he masked his bitterness well, but Jade had moved her head back out to give him a look.

"I know, I know. It just sucks."

Jade wasn't going to argue with him there, but she didn't want to encourage his bitterness. His parent's may not have been overly fond of her, but she was envious of the fact he had parents who very obviously cared for him.

They stayed cuddled for a few more minutes before Jade's need to pee finally got the better of her and they started their morning routine.

* * *

As they arrived downstairs, Mr West had yet to emerge from his bedroom. Jade tried to pay it no attention, purposefully ignoring the conversation she knew she had planned for later. She could feel Beck's eyes on her, but she ignored that too, instead heading towards the sweet smell that was emanating from the kitchen.

"Good morning dears."

Vera was as cheerful as ever, greeting them as they walked through the door as she stood by the hob.

"I thought I'd do something special today, seeing as it's the weekend; I hope you like pancakes."

Jade found herself inhaling deeply, savouring the comforting scent of the cooking batter, a small smile breaking through before she could help it.

"I love pancakes." If Vera was surprised by Jade's remark, she didn't let it show as she carried on chatting about the pancakes she made for her grandsons when they came to stay with her. Beck took over the conversation as Jade fell quiet again, something odd tugging at her as she watched Vera bustle around the kitchen before serving the stack of pancakes with a generous helping of syrup.

As Jade tucked into her pancakes, she became aware Beck was staring at her.

"What?" She questioned in between mouthfuls, not in an entirely unthreatening manner.

"Nothing."

"Well it's obviously something?" Beck allowed himself a smile.

"It's just nice to see you enjoying something again."

Jade paused with the fork halfway to her mouth; she almost hadn't realised just how much she was enjoying the pancakes. In fact, she wasn't sure what was better, the actual feeling of enjoyment or the fact she was feeling enjoyment. She swallowed her next mouthful and found herself returning Beck's smile with a small one of her own.

Vera was visibly cheerful when the plates were returned with only small scraps left on them; the pancakes had the effect she was hoping for. She'd been hoping to tempt Mr West as well, but he'd barely been in the kitchen for more than a few minutes as he took a coffee and yoghurt into his study. It made Vera despair slightly, she'd accidentally overheard snippets of Jade's outburst the previous morning. Before she'd always assumed Mr West to be a bit of an outsider, a loner but her opinion of him had lowered somewhat. Still, she knew it wasn't really any of her business, but it didn't stop her from being happy the pancakes had been well received.

* * *

"You can call me anytime and I'll come back, or I'll come get you and we'll go to the RV." Beck was insistent as he stood in-front of Jade outside the house.

"I know, I'll let you know how it goes."

"Are you sure you don't want me to stay?"

"Yes Beck, I've told you like ten times now." Jade was trying to stay calm, but Beck's fussing was beginning to wear her down. He played with the handles of his bag awkwardly, he didn't want to end on a sour note.

"Do you know what you're going to do this afternoon?"

"Probably nap." Jade tried for some humour, but she was also apprehensive about being on her own for such a long stretch of time. She didn't want to feel like she needed Beck, but it was disconcerting knowing he wouldn't be there at all.

"I'll call you this evening?" Beck checked.

"Yeah, I'd like that." Beck managed a half-hearted smile that Jade struggled to return before he enveloped her in a hug, his stomach twisting unpleasantly.

"You're gonna be late." Her words had gone quiet, but Beck held on for another few seconds before drawing back. This time it was Jade who closed the gap between them, kissing him firmly as though reassuring herself as much as him. Beck pressed one last kiss to her before finally picking up his bag and putting in the truck.

"I'll see you soon."

Jade nodded, not trusting herself to speak as Beck shut the door and started the engine. As she watched it back out the drive, she found herself wrapping her good arm around her middle in an attempt at comfort. She took a few deep, calming breaths before turning to go back into the house. It was odd how with Beck's departure, the house seemed so much emptier than it had before.

As she stood in the foyer, Jade felt a tug of panic at what suddenly seemed like an overwhelming task. After taking a moment to steady herself, she did a quick check on her father's bedroom where the ajar door confirmed he had was awake and out of the room. A small part of Jade had hoped he would seek her out but clearly that wasn't going to happen. She paused outside the study; did she want to confront him in a room that was so decidedly his? She shook herself angrily, it shouldn't make a difference as this whole house was his. The old Jade wouldn't have cared about power dynamics, she would have gone in already and demanded he listen. Momentarily bolstered, Jade reached for the door handle, not even bothering to knock.

* * *

Mr West's head jerked up as the door to his office swung open, creating a clang as it hit the stopper behind it. He was less surprised to see Jade standing there, although the practice of someone interrupting him in his own office was still a rare one.

"Jade." He greeted, somewhat confused as to why she was choosing now to talk to him.

"What do you need?"

"I thought you wanted to talk?" Jade's eyes narrowed and Mr West supressed a sigh at the obvious attitude.

"Okay then, how did your hospital visit go?"

"Fine."

Mr West scowled.

"Is that all you wanted to say?"

"No." Jade replied simply, extracting a strange enjoyment from watching the frustration play across his face, the way his face coloured slightly as his eye twitched almost imperceptibly.

"Well?" he challenged.

"Why didn't you take me with you when you left?"

"Left where?" Playing dumb was ineffective and only caused Jade to mirror his scowl.

"When you walked out on Mum."

"Walked out?" Mr West's were suddenly alight with fury at the perceived accusation. "While she was busy drinking and drugging herself into oblivion you mean, she checked out of our marriage many years before I left it."

"And yet you though it was acceptable to leave a nine-year old child in the same situation." Jade had manoeuvred him to exactly where she wanted to him, his dumb-founded expression only confirming that she hadn't lost her ability to craft a scene. After all, that's all this really was; the right words, the right direction and he had walked straight into her trap.

She watched his mouth open and shut a few times, groping for words he couldn't seem to find as his desk suddenly seemed to dwarf him in comparison.

"You see all this time I've been so angry every time I've thought of her." Jade started, fed up of waiting for a reply that she knew wasn't going to be satisfactory.

"For everything over the years, for what happened a few weeks ago, for this fucking funeral disaster." Jade drew in a quick breath, aware of the familiar anger that was threatening to overshadow her.

"But I realised, I should be just as angry at you, if not more so, shouldn't I? Because you left me there."

Mr West swallowed uncomfortably, his throat suddenly feeling as though it had been filled with cotton as he looked at his daughter. For the first time in years he was really looking at her, seeing the family resemblance to both himself and Amanda, to his parents and to hers. Maybe it was the absence of the hospital bed and all the pristine white linens or the fact Jade had seemingly begun to put some much-needed weight back on but, even with the sling, she didn't look as weak as she had just a few weeks before. He swallowed again; the dozen excuses he had prepared over the last two weeks sitting on the tip of his tongue, but they never managed to leave his mouth.

"I have no defence." His voice was gruff, as though his throat was closing around each of the words. To his surprise Jade didn't even blink, instead she stayed deadly quiet, just watching him with an intensity that made him feel uncomfortable.

"I made what I thought was the best decision at the time."

'_And there it is again.'_ For once, Jade didn't even feel a slight twinge in her gut at his words. They were no different to what she suspected and maybe that was why they didn't seem to hold the same power over her as they had just one week prior.

"For you." She intoned deliberately.

"Yes, for me." Mr West tried not to let the anger get the better of him, feeling as though he should be on the defensive.

"I honestly regret my decision but I doubt there is anything I can do to make it better now."

"I'm not sure there is either." Jade's voice was suddenly hushed as the realisation dawned on her at the same time it did her father. She wasn't certain whether or not he was sincere in his regret as, while she thought very little of him, he couldn't be completely cold hearted; or at least she hoped not.

The fact that was more striking was something she hadn't been able to confront until that very moment; what was there that he could do about it. The decision had been made just over eight years ago and Jade was no longer a child or even a teenager desperate for her daddy to love her. A small part of her might always cling to the fantasy but the almost adult recognised it for what it was, a fantasy. Even if her father were to transform overnight and become the model parent, she'd secretly craved, would she ever trust him again? Would she ever actually be able to forgive him for the past eight years, or even every single year since she'd been old enough to understand what was going on around her?

Jade regarded the man behind the desk, as though she were seeing him for the very first time. Some of the weight she was used to carrying around on her shoulders suddenly shifted, her back straightening just a little.

"So, what do you want to do?" Mr West pushed down on the impatience in his voice, the unexpected twinge of anxiety he'd felt at Jade's admission fuelling his need for an answer.

"Keep things as they are." Jade's voice was almost a shrug in itself. "There's no point either of us trying to become something we're not."

Again, Mr West was overwhelmed with a feeling he should be fighting against her words, but she spoke with a surety that left no room for an argument; he agreed with her.

"I should only need the sling on for another week, my shoulder should be fine in another four."

The sudden change of subject caught him off-guard, forcing him to simply nod in response.

"I'm still going to be seeing Dr Griffiths weekly, but everything seemed okay."

"And your counsellor?"

"Ongoing." Jade wasn't going to give him any more than that and mercifully Mr West didn't seem to want to put up a fight.

"I'm going out for the rest of the day." Jade stated, although her plans were barely halfway formed. "I won't be in for dinner."

"Do you need me to arrange a car?" If Mr West was taken aback by her intentions, he masked it well.

Jade shook her head without really thinking, guided by the feeling she wanted to owe him as little as possible. It was silent for a moment and then-

"Have a good day."

It was like being dismissed from the principal's office, but luckily Jade had a lot of experience in that department and managed to stroll out with an air of indifference. She left the door purposefully open, again admitting the slight childishness to herself but not letting it take away from the satisfaction it gave her.

She barely managed another coherent thought until she was safely back upstairs in her room, sinking into the velvet tub chair with a slight shake to her hand. Whether it was the adrenaline from the conversation or a genuine panic she wasn't sure but with fresh determination she steadied her breathing, squeezing the familiar foam she'd picked up on the way in. It wasn't as though she'd gone into the conversation with any expectations, but she wasn't sure how to feel about it now. It was an odd situation where the conversation had somehow managed to be monumental while also being almost anti-climactic for all the feelings that had preceded it. She opened her eyes, hands now reduced to an intermittent twitch as she assessed the feeling of finality settling within her, something that was definitely new but strangely comforting. She didn't know what life was going to look like even one month from now but she felt as though she now knew where she stood with the man downstairs, and that felt like progress.

She balked slightly as she remembered telling him that she would be out all day when, in actuality, she had no plans. Beck wasn't an option, but she couldn't stay in all day now, even if she wanted to. Without giving herself a change to second-guess herself, she pulled her phone out and arranged an Uber; tapping in the destination without even thinking about it. She jammed the phone back into her pocket, refusing to think about what she'd decided as she searched around for her jacket and keys. Before she knew it, she was climbing into the taxi, letting out a deep breath as they pulled away from the house. Her phone buzzed in her pocket and she was tempted to ignore it but the thought of Beck stopped her.

_(1) New Message: Beck Oliver_

_Just got to the airport, coffee here sucks. _

Jade found herself almost smiling as she read his attempt at nonchalance before tapping out a reply, reminding him that any coffee he drank sucks as he had cream in it. She was about to put her phone away when another thought stopped her, and she quickly typed out a second message.

_To: Cat Valentine. _

_Want to hang out today? _

It was barely 30 seconds later when her phone started to ring.

* * *

Beck smirked as he read Jade's reply, in-between slurps of his sub-standard coffee; he was hoping the caffeine would give him a bit of a kick to deal with the incoming. His parent's plane had landed not too long ago and they would be thought the gate shortly. Beck usually looked forward to seeing them after they'd been away, but he was too fraught with tiredness and the emotional fallout of the last few days to muster up his usual enthusiasm. In truth, he was worried about what they would have to say to him, what they would think of the new arrangement. He thought his mom had understood when he'd been talking to her on the phone, especially when she'd arranged for him to do his schoolwork at home part-time but the insistence of him coming home with them set him on edge. He chewed the edge of his coffee cup, trying to work out what his next move should be and what possible demands his parent's might have.

"Beck!" His mother's voice broke through his thoughts and he lifted his head to see the familiar figure moving swiftly through the crowd towards him, his father trailing slightly behind pulling their suitcases.

"Hi Mom-oof." His own greeting was stifled as his mother reached him and enveloped him in a tight hug. Usually he would have slipped out of her grip, a typical teenager in disliking embarrassing parental affection in public, but this time it was barely a passing thought before he found himself hugging back just as tightly. He felt his mom exhale, no doubt reassuring herself that her son really was okay. Beck clung to his mother like he hadn't in years, allowing the familiar smell of her perfume to surround him and provide the comfort that only a parent can.

They stayed like that for several minutes until his father suggested they were getting the way of other people. Beck withdrew, somewhat embarrassed at the overt neediness but his mother seemingly understood and let him go. The topic of conversation was kept forcibly light as they walked out to Beck's truck, but Beck only managed half-answers to his mother's questions, too busy worrying that his uncharacteristic emotional display would only further his parent's belief that the situation with Jade was only hurting him. It was only after they were all piled into his truck that his mother broached the topic.

"So, how is Jade?"

"Abbie, I thought we weren't going to talk about this until we got home?" Beck's father spoke in a redundant hushed tone before Beck had the chance to answer.

"I know but it seems pointless now, it's obviously the only thing on his mind." Abigail Oliver replied an equally quiet tone, admonishing her husband and Beck fought the urge to roll his eyes at the pair of them.

"Yes, but he needs to focus on driving right now, not us badgering him."

"You guys do know you're sitting right next to me so I can hear every word you're saying." Beck pointed out in a dry tone that would have made Jade proud.

"What do you want to talk about?" Abigail asked, somewhat warily as she shot her husband an annoyed look and her son sighed in response.

"Look, Jade's recovering and she had been doing better but we can save the rest till we're back at the house?"

"Okay son." His father spoke up this time and Beck moved to switch the radio on, not wanting to sit in an uncomfortable silence for the remainder of the journey.

* * *

Jade stood looking up at the tall white walls in-front of her, finally allowing herself to second-guess her decision. For a place that she'd lived all her life, the deep feeling of unsettlement caused by simply standing by the front door was unnerving. She fiddled with her phone, the cuff of her sleeve, anything to take her mind off of the purpose of her visit. Her car was still in the driveway. Jade had thought about trying to drive it back to her father's house but, even without the sling, her movement was still limited. She fiddled with her cuff some more, wondering if it was even worth waiting but she didn't want to do it alone; of that much, she was certain. She twisted her head the second she heard what sounded like footsteps on the gravel and then,

"JADEY!" A flurry of red was suddenly running towards her, landing on her in a clumsy hug causing Jade to bite her lip against the pain as her shoulder was bashed. She waited a beat before putting her good arm around Cat and giving her a small hug in return, only making Cat cling harder.

"I missed you so much, school isn't the same when you're not there." Cat pulled back, pouting slightly.

"Yeah Beck said the same." Jade replied, unsure what the proper response was to Cat's statement; she still didn't know when she'd be back on campus. Unfortunately, her response made Cat squeal loudly, and Jade winced.

"Are you two back together properly now?" Cat questioned, eyes wide and a big smile on her face.

"Yeah."

"Yay! I knew it wouldn't last!" Her statement caused Jade to blink suddenly in confusion, had Cat really not though their break-up would be permanent?

"Why are we here though?" Cat looked up at Jade's old house in confusion, unsure as to why when Jade had asked if she wanted to hang out, she had then asked her to come over to the house.

"I need to get some stuff." Jade said shortly, finding the cuff of her sleeve again and tugging.

"Okay."

Her response was one of the things Jade liked most about Cat. She didn't need big justifications or explanations, often happy to just accept what she was told.

Cat wasn't an idiot, she knew exactly what had happened here a few weeks ago and now she realised if Jade needed things, it was probably too difficult for her to come alone. She felt a little elated that Jade had asked her and not Beck who had she had suddenly seemed to rely on a great deal. Cat had tried not to take it personally, especially when it mixed with the guilt of what Jade had been going through, but Cat also missed her friend; Jade was one of the few people who didn't make her feel like an idiot.

Jade pulled the keys from her pocket and shoved it into the front door. The air that hit them was stale and cool; not at all welcoming. Jade stood in the door for a moment before convincing her feet to move inside, her eyes immediately drawn to the top of the staircase. She could see it all again, the push and the fall in a vision that swum disjointed before her eyes. She stood frozen to the floor before a small nudge from Cat brought her back to reality. Cat linked her arm, as she had done since they were in third grade, and Jade let herself be guided into the foyer as the door was kicked shut behind them.

"Do you just want stuff from your room?"

Jade nodded, not trusting herself to speak just yet as her stomach tied itself in knots.

"Jadey? Do you wanna go up?" Cat prompted quietly, trying to get her best friend's attention. Jade didn't say anything, but she moved forward, pulling Cat with her.

Jade couldn't help but think it was stupid, she was now scared of a staircase; or at least, her PTSD brain was scared of it. She wanted to glower at the fancy marble and stomp up it like she had so many times before, but she couldn't quite find it within herself to do it. Instead she walked carefully, focusing on the warm arm connected to hers and being relieved that her broken shoulder would make sure she didn't accidentally reach for the ornate railing.

_In for three, hold for three, out for four. _

Her pulse was loud in her ears and Jade was well aware she was walking a thin line between success and total collapse. For a moment, she considered running in the other direction straight out of the house and slamming the door on it and everything in it, but she knew it was a fantasy; hiding from the issues had been something that had put her on this path to begin with.

As they walked down the short corridor to her room, Jade braced herself for the destruction she knew was waiting for her there. As they reached the threshold, both girls gasped although for different reasons. For Cat, it was the shock of seeing the usually neat room in complete disarray but for Jade it was the evidence that someone had been in there, evidently clearing things up.

Beck.

She felt an intense rush of affection for her boyfriend who had obviously been clearing it up as he kept coming to retrieve clothes for her. She bit her lip, wondering if she could ever repay him for everything he'd done in the last few weeks before scolding herself; Beck had been firm about the fact that he wasn't doing this as a favour, he was doing it because he cared for her.

She broke free from Cat's arm and made her way into the room, pausing only briefly to pick up a lone butterfly that had seemingly fallen off the careful pile stacked on the dresser. There was much less glass than she remembered, Beck had obviously made that a priority. She ended up perching on the bed for a moment as Cat made her way to the wardrobe where her clothes were either hanging or had been hastily stacked on the floor.

"Do you want all your clothes Jadey?"

"Might as well. Is there a suitcase in there?" It was the most she'd said since they'd entered the house, but Cat was just happy to have a response. As Cat started pulling out

"Yeah, right at the back." Cat replied, pulling out the black suitcase which still had their transfer stickers from the ill-fated trip to Yerba.

As Cat set about pulling out clothes, Jade went through the bedside drawers which had been returned to the cabinet. The contents was hap-hazard, evidently having been stuffed in to get it off the floor but it was odd to Jade to be going through her own drawers and not knowing what she would find in them. Cat chattered on as she sorted Jade's clothes, passing comments on things she liked or memories of when Jade had worn them although it lacked some of her usual gusto. Jade half-listened as she pulled out books, notebooks, chargers, pencils and other assorted items; trying to decide what should stay for now and what should come with her. It was dawning that she hadn't really thought things through, they had no car and only one suitcase.

"Isn't this Beck's?" Jade looked up and smiled as she saw Cat holding Beck's old leather jacket. He hadn't worn it in almost a year, and she'd forgotten it was in there. She'd managed to steal it off of him quite early on, but they did compromise that he could wear it occasionally as long as she always got it back. She held up her hand and Cat chucked it over to her. The leather was soft and worn but somehow still smelled a little like him. She looked up again to see Cat smiling stupidly at her and Jade rolled her eyes although with no genuine annoyance.

"Is there another case? I don't think it's all going to fit!"

"I think there's one down the hall." 'In _the closet next to her room'_ Jade finished in her head. "I'll go look."

Cat nodded before turning back to the pile of clothes.

As Jade found herself back in the hall, her eyes lingered on the Juliet balcony, remembering her awkward climb through the day of the incident. It seemed like another lifetime now. She made her way down the adjacent hall, heading for the closet where she knew there should be other suitcases stacked. The closet right next to her mother's bedroom. She knew she shouldn't look but it was impossible not to.

The room was in a similar state to her own, although it bore signs that it had been like it for much longer. While the once artsy pictures remained on the wall, there was thick layer of dust on top of them, the bed was in a state of disarray with one pillow split down the middle and what looked like a scorch mark on the greying mattress cover. A syringe lay discarded on the floor among other detritus, an ashtray overflowing on the nightstand and the stale smell of alcohol and weed hung around the room in haze, even after the weeks of emptiness.

Jade's eyes flicked over the room, her lack of desire to go any further surprising her slightly. Her gaze ended up on the cluttered dresser, the solid pine no longer visible under open make-up cases, screwed up clothing and an old briefcase among others. Just visible at the back was the top of a photo-frame, the picture completely obscured by the assortment of items in-front of it. Jade didn't need to see it to remember the contents, a photo taken a few years after the one that sat in the corner of her father's office of Jade as a toddler, sitting in her mother's lap in the garden; they had been wearing identical smiles. For the second time in as many minutes, Jade was surprised by the lack of a want to go and retrieve the photo, the absence of a desire to look at it even one last time. She let out a small breath and backed out of the doorway, quietly pulling the door shut as she went until she heard the final click as the catch slid into place.

Jade turned to reach for the closet only to catch Cat standing there, watching her in total silence. She offered Cat a small smile who wasted no time in crossing the small distance between them and enveloping her in a hug, which this time Jade returned without hesitation; a firm understanding passed between them.

As they pulled a second suitcase out of the dusty closet, Jade found herself longing for something she hadn't in a while; conversation.

"So, what did Trina look like after the sprinkler went off?"

"Oh my god, I think if a paint box had a baby with a clown, their children would like her face did."

* * *

Beck had barely sat down on the couch in his parent's front room when a mug of tea was being pushed into his hands by his dad. Evan Oliver was not a conflict-averse person, he believed that you should face problems directly and sometimes that caused conflict, but he would never forget what his mother drilled into him about the conciliatory powers of a good cup of tea. He had hoped to never be in a position where he had to start a conversation with his son with a cup of tea designed to appease him, but some things could not be helped. He was worried about him, more so than he had been when they'd been in Canada as he could now see that Beck did not look good; the bags under his eyes belying the lack of sleep that his son's uncharacteristically short attitude had suggested.

He watched as his wife sat nervously next to their son, her eyes glued to his face as he took a sip of the tea. He wasn't sure there was a 'good' way to have the conversation that needed to follow but, as his parents, they needed to understand the situation at hand. As much as Beck had his independence, they were still legally responsible for him for a while longer and, more than that, they loved him a great deal.

"How is Jade?" Abigail repeated the question from earlier.

"Recovering. I think she's starting to make good progress; she talks a lot to Lane but it's a lot to take in as well."

"And she's still staying at her father's?" Evan questioned.

Beck nodded in response and Evan frowned.

"I didn't think they got along." He stated neutrally. In actuality, he hadn't really been that much involved when his son was dating Jade; he hadn't thought much of her or her parents, given the piercings and tattoos that adorned her body. He had assumed it was part of Beck's attempt at a teenage rebellion and therefore decided it was better to ignore it entirely. Abigail had taken a different tack, actively worrying about Jade's influence over Beck which had only led to a distance between the two of them and their son.

However, Evan did remember a conversation he had overheard when Beck and Jade had arrived back at the RV late one night the summer they started dating. The heat meant he had been restless and all the windows in the house were open and he caught snatches of a conversation where Beck had been reassuring Jade about something involving her father. Evan had put two and two together quickly and thought that a disinterested father would definitely explain Jade's own rebellious attitude. He had been shocked when Abigail had told him that Jade was in hospital and exactly how she got there.

"They don't, he's useless." Beck said shortly, a warning in his tone that his father heeded.

"And you've been staying with her?"

"Yes." Beck idly wondered if Jade was rubbing off on him, one-word answers were not normally his thing. Guilt stabbed at him as he saw the naked worry in his mother's eyes, the tension in his father's profile as he leaned against the doorframe.

"It was the easiest thing to do, we both slept better that way."

"You don't look like you've been sleeping son." Evan interjected, again his voice calm and neutral.

"I sleep but it's disrupted. Bad dreams." Beck offered by way of explanation, trying to match his dad's voice.

"About Jade?" His mother asked timidly, treating Beck as though he were a bomb that could spring at any moment.

"Yeah." Beck let out a long breath, he didn't want to talk but at the same time he was tired of bottling it all up.

"Sometimes it's fine but others I can just see her there, and-" He trailed off, worried he'd said too much.

Abigail couldn't stop herself from putting a hand on Beck's knee; it hurt to see her son so lost.

"I thought I was handling things but the last week it's just got out of my control, a little." For once, he wasn't trying to downplay his feelings, but he honestly had thought after the first chat with Lane that he would be fine.

"Have you spoken to Mr Lane about it?" His mother asked.

"It's just Lane mom and yeah he's given me some stuff I can do."

"I think you should see someone properly Beck." His father's tone was firm, but Beck still felt the need to argue.

"Lane can do it just fine."

"I'm not disputing that Lane is a qualified man, but he is already treating Jade and, given the seriousness of the situation, likely will be for some time to come. He suggested it might be best for you to find someone else."

Beck felt a sense of betrayal that Lane had told his parent's this before he told him. He now understood Jade's reaction to Dr Williamson as the thought of talking to someone he didn't know about something incredibly personal was almost disturbing.

"Are you sure this isn't just an attempt to get me away from Jade again?" Beck lashed out.

"Why would you even say that Beck?" Abigail was appalled her son even thought that was their motivation.

"You never liked her, either of you." He accused, pushing off his mother's hand as he stood to pace in agitation.

"I'll admit I wasn't her biggest fan, I didn't think she was right for you but that doesn't mean I want any harm to come to her."

Abigail picked her words carefully, not wanting to upset her son further. She had felt guilt since Beck had called her that Friday evening, guilt for the way she'd brushed off Jade's attitude as unpleasantness and never bothered to look any further. Between what Beck and Lane had passed on about her situation, Jade had been failed by many of the adults in her life and Abigail felt like in a small way she was one of them.

"We want to look out for both of you." Evan interjected, not wanting the situation to get out of control. "That's why we've been liaising with Lane and Principal Eikner to make sure we are all acting in both yours and Jade's best interests. You're not adults just yet Beck."

Suddenly it was as though all the fight went out of Beck and he collapsed back onto the couch, an apology falling from his lips.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have accused you." Abigail moved closer to her son, this time putting an arm around his broad shoulders – when had her son grown up so much?

"We will get through this Beck, all of us. Now, let's order some food and talk about something else for a while. Lane has suggested that part of the problem is that you've had no respite over the last two weeks, and that is enough to make anyone exhausted."

Beck wanted to protest but knew it would be of no use.

"Come on, you can help me unpack and I'll catch you up on the family gossip; you won't believe what your Aunt Clara has done this time."

Abigail Oliver pulled her son to his feet and thrust one of the bags at him, shooting a meaningful look at her husband which he correctly interpreted as his cue to order some food in for them. Beck left the room listening to his mother describe the latest situation his father's sister had ended up in, pausing only to make sure his phone was on vibrate and placed securely in his jacket pocket.

* * *

Jade almost collapsed into the chair in Cat's back yard, the exertions of the morning now catching up with her. Stashed by Cat's front door were two suitcases and a duffel bag containing mostly clothes but some other personal items she'd salvaged from her room. She hadn't been ready to go back to her father's house and Cat had been practically bubbling over when Jade suggested they go back to hers instead. Cat's house was quiet as her parents were out with her brother on yet another therapy retreat but Cat didn't seem to notice, too happy that her best friend wanted to spend time with her. Cat's back garden wasn't as serene as her fathers, the lawn was a little untidy and mis-matched flowerpots with varying levels of plant life bordered the edge; there was noise from the road as Cat lived in a small pocket on the outskirts of town, bordering the main road in. Still, Jade found herself calm and almost relaxed in Cat's presence as she talked her through the rehearsal gossip for the Spring Showcase.

"So Sinjin got really upset but Sikowitz wouldn't budge, he said that his teeth collection just wasn't in the spirit of the performance."

"And it's damn creepy." Jade said flatly, confused as to how Sinjin even functioned as a person half the time.

"Tori's song is sounding really good but Andre keeps changing the lyrics last minute and I think she's starting to get annoyed."

Jade let herself be amused by that thought for a moment, although there was no real maliciousness there.

"Are you going to come to the showcase?" Cat asked, her voice suddenly timid and Jade started; the thought hadn't even occurred to her.

"Probably not." She replied honestly, thinking it would be far too weird to watch something she usually participated in; a reminder of all she'd managed to lose.

"But I worked really hard on my song." Cat's eyes got bigger and Jade knew she was being intentionally guilted, but it didn't stop her from feeling bad. She knew it was always hit and miss as to whether Cat's parents made it, as they were often busy juggling work and her brother, and her Nona was often also engaged elsewhere.

"I'll think about it." Jade relented

"Yay!"

"I said think, Cat." Cat shut her mouth, but her wide smile remained, certain her friend would come through for her. The pair went quiet for a moment as Jade's thoughts started to wander and Cat became distracted by a butterfly landing on her leg.

"Are you going to live at your Dad's now forever?" Cat's curiosity finally got the better of her. Despite having been in her mother's house that morning, Jade had still not been forthcoming with details about her situation.

"Yeah, well the next few years I guess."

"What'll happen to the other house?"

"I don't really know, I think my Grandfather tied the house up until I was 21 but now, she's … dead, I don't know what happens with it."

"When Grandmama died, Dad had to sell her house to pay for the funeral. When is your mum's funeral?" The question was innocent enough, but it bought Jade crashing back to her most recent turmoil and the question on a never-ending loop in her head.

"I don't know if she's getting a funeral – apparently it's something I've got to decide."

This caught Cat's attention, noticing her friend's sudden change in tone and the way her expression had morphed into something tense.

"And you can't choose?"

Jade shook her head.

"I just can't work out any of it." Jade was playing with her cuff again, struggling to keep her thoughts from spilling out knowing she'd only end up back where she started.

"When we had my Grandmama's funeral, Nona said it was about saying goodbye to someone for the last time."

Jade pondered Cat's words, saying goodbye was an odd concept to her for someone who was already dead; it didn't make sense to her.

"I think I said goodbye to her a long time ago Cat." Jade muttered, thinking of the recent years when her mother had barely been that to her, thinking of the shut bedroom door from earlier that day.

"Then there's your answer." Cat stated plainly, and Jade jerked her head up to meet Cat's eyes. It suddenly seemed so simple; the way Cat had defined it. Would a funeral give her anything she didn't have at the moment? No, there was nothing to do now, her mother was dead and with her died any hopes of reconciliation or explanations or answers; it was time to shut the door.

"I think you're right Cat." Jade murmured and Cat gave a half smile. "When did you get to be so smart?"

* * *

**Well we are another chapter down, and I'll be honest I wasn't totally happy with last week's chapter so I hope this one reads well and you enjoyed Cat coming back into ****play. Things are really moving forward for Jade now, and the rest of the gang will be back shortly too. **

**Thanks to everyone who is still reading, feel free to share your thoughts in the box below. **


	36. Chapter 36

Jade sat quietly, staring out at the horizon but not really seeing it; her mind was occupied by other things. She knew it had been too much to hope for really, to think that after the quietly monumental day she'd had that it wouldn't have any effect on her. She'd eyed the sleeping pill with contempt for almost five minutes before she'd finally swallowed it. She'd managed an hour more than the few nights previous but apparently even a dime sized tablet of artificial chemicals wasn't enough to deter her brain from waking her up. She'd gone to bed several hours earlier than usual but it had seemed to have no effect. As it was, the strange dreams she'd fallen in and out of almost made her wish she hadn't had the extra hour. This time it didn't take a genius to figure out the meaning behind them as her father and mother had filtered through them, distorted words and faces before she finally found herself back on the same cliff; for the first time it had been dusk and the inky black ocean looked almost peaceful as it buffeted the rocks below.

Now she strained to make out the thin strip of ocean, clouds obscuring her view but still welcomed as they kept the air temperature mild. Her phone call with Beck had been shorter than she'd been expecting. He'd sounded more relaxed, at least to her, but he hadn't been able to keep the surprise out of his voice when she told him that she'd been back to her mother's house. She tried to drop it in nonchalantly, loathed to make a big deal out of it but, of course, there was nothing casual about returning to the scene of the crime. She gave Beck his due though, he hadn't asked much beyond what she was willing to tell although he had accepted her thanks at his efforts to restore order to her trashed bedroom. She'd pulled out her phone twice now, contemplating calling Beck but both times had returned her phone to her jacket pocket. She wasn't sure if she was seeking comfort, reassurance or maybe just plain old company but regardless, her brain just wouldn't let her.

Recently being alone with her thoughts had been her idea of hell, something that would make her stomach twist unpleasantly but now it seemed different somehow, peaceful again like it had been so many times before. The notebook on her lap was beckoning to her, the empty pages desperate for her to write something but she couldn't quite put her finger on it. The notebook had been salvaged from her room, it's only outward signs of damage being crumpled edges and a bent cover; nothing that couldn't be straightened out, she had decided as she'd stuffed it into her bag.

Jade sighed as she looked at the blank pages again, holding her pen lightly between her fingers as she considered the blank space. She knew inspiration usually didn't come if you forced it but, all of a sudden and without any real fanfare, she knew what she needed to write.

* * *

Tori ignored her phone as it buzzed for what must have been the fifth time in almost as many minutes. Andre was driving her up the wall, unable to stay on track with any version of lyrics for more than a few hours, and that was being generous. She wasn't really sure what his problem was, they weren't necessarily the greatest lyrics he'd ever written but they were still pretty awesome. In typical Andre style they wove themselves in-between the melody like a complex embroidery, never overpowering but never melting into the background. The only thing she had noticed was with each revision the meaning of the song seemed to shift, only in subtle ways but she wondered if Andre was no longer sure what he wanted it to be about. It was more power-ballad than his usual pop fair, a challenge from his song-writing teacher which he had originally been excited about, but now it seemed to be causing him more stress than good. It didn't stop Tori groaning as her phone switched to a long continuous buzz, indicating she had an incoming call.

"What now Andre?"

"Huh? It's not Andre, its Cat!" Cat's bubbly voice made Tori wince, and she forced her tone to brighten in an apology.

"Sorry Cat, Andre's been texting me non-stop and I thought it was him; he's driving me mad."

"It's okay, I know he's really worried about his song."

"I don't get it, his lyrics are decent and nothing anyone else suggests is good enough."

"He'll find it in the end." Cat seemed nonplussed by Andre's dilemma but it was only then Tori realised the time.

"It's quite late Cat, is everything okay?"

"Yes-y, just fancied a chat, I was watching the Celebrities under water marathon on Eight."

"Same! I totally lost track of time but now I wish I'd gone to bed! Did you do anything fun today?"

"I hung out with Jadey" From her tone, Tori immediately realised that this must have been the real reason for her late-night phone call; excitement overflowing from her words so much so that Tori could practically see her bouncing on the spot.

"You saw Jade? How was she?"

"Better, she was more normal, but she still does that thing where she's not really there even though she's talking."

Tori chewed the new information over, unsure what to make of Cat's assessment.

"What did you do?" Tori couldn't even imagine Jade leaving the house, not in the way she'd painted an image of post-accident Jade in her head.

"We hung out here and got some of her stuff from her mom's house." This surprised Tori, making her think that maybe Jade really was improving.

"Do you think I should text her?"

Cat went silent and Tori felt guilty, still struggling with the fact that she hadn't bothered so much with Jade after the break-up.

"Maybe leave it a bit longer, she's still really sad." Cat's childlike innocence behind the statement almost brought tears to Tori's eyes. She still couldn't imagine having to go through what Jade had in the past few weeks.

"You're right, I'm glad you got to see her though Cat."

"Me too." She could practically hear Cat's smile grow. "She said she might come to the Spring showcase though."

"That's great, if Andre ever manages to finish his song though."

"Andre needs to finish his song!" Cat repeated, much to Tori's confusion.

"I know Cat, that's what I was telling you about-"

"Gotta go, byeee."

Tori stared at her phone as Cat abruptly ended the call, none the wiser to the red head's motives. She hovered over her inbox, showing 13 unread messages from Andre before quickly turning her phone off. She'd deal with that in the morning she decided with a yawn.

* * *

Andre stared down at his phone, trying to decide if his conversation with Cat had been a reality or a caffeine-induced, sleep-deprived hallucination. Cat's words were ringing in his ears as she'd rang to tell him to call Jade, that she'd help him fix his song. He'd tried to protest but had been cheerfully shouted over before she hung up the phone, effectively ending all attempts at a response. It wasn't that he didn't want to call Jade, in fact under normal circumstances he would have thought Cat was onto something as Jade was a skilled lyricist, but he'd barely spoken to her since the accident. He'd never had a response to the text message he'd sent and, going off of the information Beck had filtered through, she wasn't in a great place right now.

Still, he toyed with the idea his desperation to finish the song clinging onto the fact that he knew Cat had spent all day with her. Surely if Cat and Jade had been hanging out, one text couldn't hurt. He pulled up her contact and began to type.

_Hey Jade, hope you're feeling a bit better – Cat said you guys had fun chilling out today. I was just wondering – and it's totally cool for you to say no – but I'm struggling to finish a song, and I really need a fresh perspective. Totally cool if you're not up for it but _

But what? He re-read the message cringing at the artificial nonchalance it was oozing. What did you say to a friend who had nearly died at the hands of her abusive mother, lost said mother and gone to live with her almost non-existent father? He sighed before scrubbing the last sentence entirely and hit send before he could question it further.

* * *

Jade felt relief when her phone buzzed. She'd been determined not to text Beck, but it was different if he texted her first, right? As a result, she felt totally blindsided when Andre's name greeted her as she tapped her phone to life. What was Andre still doing up at 1:30am? Curiosity getting the better of her, she opened the message, her brow furrowing as she read through it several times in an attempt to determine the true meaning behind it.

Andre had mentioned Cat – was this their attempt at dragging her back to the real world? Jade felt a flash of anger towards the red head, something she was not used to feeling towards her supposed best friend at all. Jade tried to tamp it down as quickly as it came, maybe Cat had though she was doing the right thing, she reasoned with herself.

She scanned the message again, as though it would provide her with some magical answer. It wasn't as though she'd never helped Andre write before, and the timing of the message did seem to suggest it could be genuine; she vaguely remembered Cat mentioning something about it earlier in the day. Jade swallowed, letting her breathing fall into the familiar rhythm as she started to formulate a reply. It took several attempts before her frustration won out and her familiar brusk manner reasserted itself.

_What's the song? _

She tried to kid herself that she wasn't waiting for a reply, that browsing the slap was something she'd been planning on doing all along; Even though she'd already been down the entire recent history earlier that evening. It was maybe her fourth scowl at Rex's blatant attempt at flirting with the Northridge senior girls swim team when her phone buzzed again.

_(1) New Message: Andre Harris_

_Awesome. Thanks Jade. It's a power ballad – strong and slow but with a big build-up towards the end. _

Jade found herself frowning, unable to link the idea to Andre's usual creations which, while often full of hidden complexity, tended to be more in the Top 40 genre. The information wasn't much to go on.

_What's it about?_

The wait for the response was even shorter now.

_(1) New Message: Andre Harris_

_That's the problem, I don't know anymore. I only did it as Mr Oakly challenged me. It started off being something romantic but now it doesn't fit. I'm stuck in a real funk. _

_(1) New Message: Andre Harris_

_It now feels like I'm supposed to be telling a story, I've listened to so much Celine Dion I think I'm starting to sing like her myself! I'll send the opening bars and the chorus. _

_(1) New Voice Note: Andre Harris. _

Jade could practically feel the stress coming from the successive text messages. She opened the voice note, taking care to keep the volume low.

The piano was strong accompanied by generic strings, simple chords with little decorative fluorishes laying out the beginning before Andre's smooth voice began to sing. The words slowly painted the story of someone who had lost a love, be it by death or break-up Jade wasn't sure. He cut in and out of the chorus, his unhappiness with the lyrics clearer than ever if he wasn't even willing to share them.

_Is he dead? The person she's singing about?_

_(1) New Message: Andre Harris_

_I wasn't sure – maybe? So, she's singing a love song to him. All dramatic and powerful. _

Jade frowned. It was a solid idea, but it wouldn't set it apart from any other power ballad out there.

_Isn't that a bit predictable? _

She could almost picture the frown that Andre would be wearing as he read her message, probably wondering if she was being argumentative for the sake of it or whether she had the point.

_(1) New Message: Andre Harris_

_What do you think then?_

_Incoming call: Andre Harris_

Jade stared at the phone, her finger hovering over the 'accept' button. It was odd, a few days ago she would have rejected the call without a second thought but now she hesitated, still not certain she wanted to answer it either. Deciding there was nothing to lose, Jade tamped the green button and moved the phone to her ear, not saying a word.

"Jade?"

There was a beat and then,

"Yeah?" Andre let out an audible sigh before also going quiet. The awkwardness down the line was almost tangible until,

"What did you mean predictable? Surely it makes for a great ballad, singing your soul to a lost love?" Andre was trying to keep his indignance to a minimum, but it was still obvious to Jade, who knew just how seriously Andre took his creations.

"Sure, and how's that working out for you?" Her usual sarcastic tone resurfacing effortlessly.

Andre went silent again, although this time for an entirely different reason as he realised Jade was right.

"So, what would you make it about?" Jade chewed her bottom lip, trying to think of the best way to phrase it.

"Maybe the woman is singing to herself as much as she's singing to whoever she lost?" She suggested quietly.

"So, something more introspective? Like, quietly powerful?"

"Yeah, something like that."

"I hadn't thought about it like that before." Andre pondered, his mind suddenly starting to race with new possibilities.

"This could change everything, the melody should be stripped down, yeah I can almost hear it."

Andre started to run away with the ideas, no longer talking to Jade any more than he was talking to himself.

"Themes, I need themes, something other than loss, what would she be saying to herself? Bravery?"  
"Courage." Jade found herself answering before she realised she'd opened her mouth. Andre barely missed a beat before he continued to brainstorm.

"Yeah, courage because she's moving on but has to let him go first. Jade this is brilliant." Jade felt her face stretch into a small smile at his compliment.

"Seriously, I wouldn't have been able to even think of this if it weren't for you."

Jade felt the smile drop.

"You're not just doing this because someone told you to?" Insecurity was a cruel mistress.

"What? No! Cat was the one who suggested I asked but I wanted to, you've always helped me out before when I needed it."

"Not recently." All of a sudden things were uncomfortable again as they were both reminded of the distance that had materialised between Jade and the group following the break-up.

"No, not recently." Andre agreed, his voice suddenly lower and lacking his usual bounce. "Jade I'm sorry."

Jade blinked, unsure as to why he was apologising to her. Andre did not interpret her silence as a good sign.

"I'm sorry I let you drift away when you and Beck split, I just assumed you'd be fine. I'm so sorry we never noticed what your mom was doing – it's inexcusable and-"

"Andre shut up." Jade couldn't take anymore of his apology, no matter how well intentioned.

"This wasn't your fault any more than it was Cat's or Becks, .. or Tori's"

Andre snorted at her inclusion of Tori's name but didn't interrupt.

"…. Or even mine." Jade admitted, and it had taken her a hell of a lot of thought to get to that place, a place where she could recognise that nothing, she could have done would have changed the outcome. Abusive people were not made abusive by others. Her mother chose drugs and her father chose to bury his head in the sand. At nine years old, she had neither of those options.

"Yes, but if we had just-"

"Look I didn't want anyone to know, not even Beck knew." Jade pointed out, her skin crawling slightly as a reminder that she still wasn't exactly comfortable with this conversation.

"So, stop apologising already." Her words could easily have been mistaken for anger, but Andre knew it was different now, although wisely he chose not to push any further. There was a moment of quiet again, both of them gathering their thoughts and Jade found herself scrabbling at her shirt sleeve. Andre cleared his throat.

"Cat said you might be coming to the showcase?"

"I'm thinking about it." She admitted and then, because she was Jade West after all, she continued. "Might see whether your song has been saved from turning into a total train wreck between you and Vega."

This time Andre did chuckle.

"Well I hope you decide to come either way, it would be nice to see you again."

"Thanks." Her response was short, still not comfortable with a conversation landing on the decidedly 'mushy' side of emotions.

"Well, I think we should both be getting to sleep, talk soon girl."

"Night Andre."

Jade considered the phone call for a while after he hung up, unsure how she really felt about it. There was a familiar anger and frustration at the fact he was clearly treating her differently now, that he never would have dared to talk to her before about personal stuff but a small part of her wondered if it was better. She believed he meant what he said, and Andre had always been someone who she held in slightly higher regard than half the idiots who went to their school if not for his talent alone but also his easy-going nature; a nature she was often envious of.

Jade didn't know all the ins and outs of the issues with his Grandmother but no matter what was happening with her, Andre seemed to cope easily and still wear a smile on his face. There were many times she'd been envious of his position, indeed in the same way she'd been envious of Tori's 'perfect' family, of Beck's chilled relationship with his parents and it had left her to create an invisible barrier around herself; a way to protect her from the rest of them. Jade found herself shaking her head at her own thoughts.

'_This is getting far too deep for this little sleep._' She thought as she broke into a yawn. Checking her phone one last time, Jade made her way inside and back to her bedroom hoping that this time, she would be able to sleep more easily.

* * *

Beck woke slowly from his sleep, as though he was surrounded by treacle and struggling to keep his eyes open. Several times he gave in and permitted himself to close both his eyes and sleep for just a little longer but time seemed to have no meaning; he wasn't sure if he'd been doxing for minutes or hours. By the time he was properly awake, light was streaming in through the blinds and his RV was rapidly approaching an uncomfortable temperature. He stumbled out of the bed and flung open the door, wincing in the even brighter sunlight as he rubbed the back of his neck, yawning widely.

He was surprised at the amount of sleep he had managed to get, and only one nightmare that had caused him to wake with a start in the small hours of the morning. He'd been halfway to calling Jade to check she was okay before Lane's advice had reappeared in his mind. He'd ended up sitting outside the RV in one of the deckchairs with a cup of tea instead, trying to calm his frayed nerves. He'd been on his second cup when his mother had come out and sat with him, having awoken to use the bathroom and spotted him from the window. They'd mostly sat in silence, but Beck had felt oddly reassured just by knowing there was someone there for him.

It was now mid-morning and his phone showed no new messages. He shot one off to Jade, firmly reassured that this time is wasn't motivated by panic.

_Morning. Hope you slept okay? I've just woken up. I was planning on coming by this afternoon?_

His parents had insisted that they would have lunch as a family today and that they would set up his first therapy appointment but agreed that he could see Jade that afternoon on the condition he was home before 11. Beck wasn't too thrilled as it meant another night away but, after the conversations of the previous day, he was feeling more understanding towards his parents' perspective on things. It helped that his first night away hadn't been as bad as he'd been expecting, not brilliant but at least he'd slept. He had barely got through the door to his bathroom when his phone buzzed.

_(1) New Message: Jade West._

_Slept alright. Been awake for a while now. Vera made omelettes. When?_

Beck shook his head at her abrupt style of texting, unsure if he trusted her assessment that she'd slept 'alright'.

_About 2, got to have lunch with the parents first. That okay?_

The response was instantaneous.

_(1) New Message: Jade West. _

_Sure. See you then. _

Beck frowned for a moment but then his phone buzzed a second time.

_(1) New Message: Jade West. _

_I missed you. _

Beck broke into a smile and tapped out his reply before starting to strip of his sleep clothes. He hadn't had many reasons recently to feel optimistic, but he felt like today might just be a good day.

* * *

Jade hadn't realised that Vera had followed her up the stairs until she commented on the suitcases stacked up by the bedroom door.

"Did you bring those back yesterday, love?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah." Jade felt her response was a little lame. As a rule she hated clutter but, when she'd returned the previous evening she hadn't had the energy to stow either the cases or the contents. Vera seemed to pick up on the details left unsaid and immediately moved towards the cases.

'Shall I give you hand putting them away? I always think unpacking is a miserable job." Not really giving Jade a chance to protest, Vera was already unzipping the top case and starting to pull out Jade's clothes; she refolded each item with care as it became apparent that the top layers had been hurriedly stuffed into the bag.

Jade pulled the second case towards her and started on emptying it, having already been into it a few times to retrieve her pad and pen. She couldn't say she was enjoying the experience as it suddenly seemed like too much of a reminder of what she had lost but Vera's easy and almost continuous background chatter gave her just enough distraction to stop her slipping over the edge.

"Oh, I do like this one, I've never seen such pretty green lace on a top. When I was younger, I had a red lace top, used to make all the young men stare and I'd feel a million dollars; my husband used to love seeing me in it."

"How long were you married?" Jade asked, almost as keen for a distraction as she was genuinely curious about the older woman who seemed to be so unfailingly kind to her without reason.

"Almost 45 years, we'd just had our 44th anniversary when he passed away. Cancer. It was a long battle but it got him in the end." Jade kicked herself as Vera's tone became decidedly misty.

"I'm sorry." She offered, awkwardly but still sincerely. Vera turned towards her and patted her outstretched ankle.

"It's no bother my dear, we were very lucky to have so many years of happiness together and I still have my sons."

With that, Vera was off telling Jade all about her sons, her grandchildren and her daughter's in law who she viewed as surrogate daughters, having always wanted a daughter as a third child. Jade was content just to listen, although the unpleasant yearning for a normal life seemed to ebb around the edges of her thoughts. It was as Vera walked some of the new toiletries to the bathroom that the reason why struck her and for a moment, she felt almost desperately angry that she hadn't been born into a family like Vera's, or even born into Vera's family. She knew it was illogical and she tried to tamp down on the feeling, but it made her heart ache at the thought she'd never have what Vera had. She didn't even know if she'd still be talking to her father in ten years, let alone reminiscing about fond memories. The very idea nearly made Jade snort out loud.

After Vera had left her alone, suitcases now unpacked and stored in the spare bedroom Jade found herself reaching for her notebook again in an attempt to understand what she was feeling. In half an hour she managed to fill over two and half pages with abstract thought, half-finished musings and isolated couplets; lines from poems or songs she had yet to write as for now it was just a feeling. She scanned the pages carefully, a little deflated when she realised the exercise hadn't given her any closure.

'_Maybe this is something I should talk to Lane about._' Jade thought, slightly amused that even the week before, the idea of keeping something aside to talk to Lane about would have been unpleasant. As she went through the pages again, she did realise that her thoughts were more organised now, less frantic and racing.

"Jade? Are you up there?" Johnathan West's voice startled her and she reflexively slammed the notebook shut, fighting the urge to stuff it under the lounger and out of site.

"Jade?" He called again.

"I'm out here."

Her father stepped into a view a moment later, looking oddly out of place even in his more casual weekend clothes. They looked at each other for a moment, neither one saying a word.

"Shouldn't you be wearing that?" He pointed to the sling pooled at the foot of the lounger.

"I can take it on and off as I need." Jade said shortly, unsure if he was reprimanding her or attempting an expression of concern.

"Have you come to a decision about your mother's funeral?" Jade was glad he had despatched with the small talk, neither of them were very good at it anyway. Still, something didn't sit right with her and the callous way he'd bring everything up.

"I'm not interested in a funeral. Just let them do what they normally do with overdose victims with no family."

"Are you sure?" Mr West's tone changed very slightly, softening the tiniest bit which didn't escape Jade's notice, but she paid it no heed.

"Yes." Jade wanted the conversation to be over but he appeared to be lingering, fixing her with a confused look. "I said goodbye to her long ago." She offered by way of explanation.

Mr West seemed to accept this, but the odd expression remained.

"Are you sure you won't regret this in a few years?"

Jade felt the familiar anger rising inside her; was he really trying to make her feel guilty over this? Did he really think she was so fucked up she didn't know her own mind? Taking a deep breath, she quelled the rising tide of annoyance and fixed her face into a practiced blankness.

"Positive."

She looked back down at her notebook, opening it to an empty page and pretending to be absorbed in it. This time, Mr West got the hint and made his way back inside. She waited until she was certain he was gone before setting the book back in her lap and taking several, steadying breaths.

_In for three, hold for three, out for four. _

_In for three, hold for three, out for four. _

She turned to the page where she'd copied across her initial feelings about her parents and added one to her father's page.

Clueless.

* * *

Vera had somehow sensed Jade's hesitation to return back downstairs after her father's unceremonious invasion of the upstairs space and took a small lunch up to her. Jade once again found herself oddly grateful, even more so when Vera stayed for a few minutes to chat before leaving her to her thoughts. Jade found herself pulling out her phone to text Beck, just wanting someone else to talk to but she didn't get a response. She tried Cat but got nothing either. Finally, Jade text Andre, enquiring about whether or not his song writing was going any better.

The message had barely sent when her phone started to buzz.

_Incoming call: Beck Oliver._

"Beck?"  
"Jade, good news! I got away from my parent's early!"

"So?"

"I'm outside and I bought a visito-"

"Jadeey! It's me." Cat's sunny voice cut across Beck, causing Jade to move the phone a little from her face.

"So, can you come let us in?" Beck asked, the smile obvious in his voice.

"Two secs."

Jade hung up the call and got up from the lounger, swiftly discarding the sling as she knew Cat would only want to hug her again. She was quietly excited that both of them were visiting, a new sensation for her given that she wasn't known for seeking out company in general. She reached the door with no interruption from her father and she was fairly certain Vera had now departed for the day.

"Jadey!" As she had expected, Cat flung herself at her best friend and engulfed her in a tight hug. Beck stood to one side, trying to at least pretend that he didn't want to do the exact same thing; albeit with slightly more dignity. Jade hugged Cat back for a good thirty seconds before Jade physically pulled away, the contact getting too much. It didn't stop her from accepting Beck's shorter but no less emotional hug as he gave her a tight squeeze before releasing her. They held each other's gaze for a moment before realising Cat was staring avidly at them. Beck looked slightly apologetic while Jade ignored her grin, stepping back through the open door.

The trio walked back upstairs, Cat chattering non-stop about the house on the way (I once was in a house with floors like this and it had a waterfall in the yard – does your Dad have a waterfall? I've always wanted to stand under a waterfall like a mermaid; my brother says I have hair like Ariel.). Beck was content to walk quietly next to Jade, taking the opportunity to brush their hands together on the stairs, pleased when Jade made no effort to move away.

Jade led them back out to the balcony, letting Beck settle into the double lounger before sitting next to him as Cat squealed at the view.

"Can we go in the pool later?"

"Maybe." Jade said non-committedly, she wasn't the biggest fan of water unless it was hot tub or some sort of jacuzzi; even those were only really fun when Beck was around to share them with her. Also, it would mean going down onto _his_ level, and Jade wasn't sure she was okay with that. Luckily, Beck picked up straightaway on the conflict and distracted Cat by asking about the showcase. As the two talked, it jerked Jade's memory and she reached for her phone.

_(1) New Message: Andre Harris._

_It's coming together so much better now. Still working out some of the lyrics but the concept makes it a lot stronger. Courage for the win! _

_(1) New Voice Note: Andre Harris. _

Before she could stop herself, Jade had hit play on the voice note and lifted the phone to her ear. The piano and strings mix had been replaced with the straight piano and the chords were a little uncertain and syncopated. This time Andre's voice was smoother as he started to weave the story, the very first line resonating within her completely accidentally.

_I would be lying if I said I'm fine. _

Jade was certain it was unintentional, but the applicability of the lyric was almost unnerving. The story told was not her story, it was definitely a letter to a lost love and the person left behind but as it moved into the chorus Jade felt her breath go shallow again.

_Courage, don't you dare fail me now. _

The song wasn't finished but it already sounded miles better than the admittedly decent song he'd started with. That was the thing about Andre's music, it wasn't just good, it was exceptional. All at once, Jade became aware that Beck and Cat were staring at her. She lowered her phone and fixed a glare.

"What?" She almost growled.

"You calling someone?" Beck enquired, ignoring the open hostility.

"I was listening to a voice message." Jade said shortly, the 'not that it's any of your business' was left implied.

"Anyone we know?" Beck questioned further, now quite amused at her sudden defensiveness.

"Was it Andre?" guessed Cat with a huge grin on her face. Jade rolled her eyes.

"Yes, it was Andre. I helped him out with a song last night."

Beck's eyebrows lifted in surprise.

"You never mentioned this to me?" He tried to mask the hurt, unsure if it was rational or not. He hadn't realised Andre would contact Jade off his own back, they weren't the closest of friends although he knew his friend respected Jade and her talent, even if he was terrified of her most of the time.

"It was late, he rang, apparently on Cat's suggestion and I helped. I haven't forgotten how to write songs Beck." Her tone was clipped, clearly unimpressed at Beck's attitude and he schooled it quickly.

"Was it his showcase song?"

Jade gave a terse nod and Cat squealed.

"Does that mean you'll come Jade?" Jade sighed, unsure now if Cat's suggestion to Andre had all been an elaborate ruse to get Jade to go to the performance.

"I told you I'd think about it."

Beck watched the two, impressed and even a little envious that Cat had managed to get Jade to consider it. He had assumed the answer would be a flat-out refusal so hadn't bothered to ask.

"I need to pee." Cat announced, suddenly switching tracks.

"Second door on the right." Jade replied blandly and the red head took off, hopping from one foot to the other.

The quiet between Beck and Jade was almost awkward as they avoided eye contact, Beck still trying to get his head around the revelation that since he'd been gone, apparently Cat and Andre had been dragging Jade out of her shell much more successfully than he did.

"Are you mad I didn't tell you about Andre?" Jade asked, half challenging, half genuinely questioning her boyfriend.

"I don't know." Beck's reply was honest. "I think I am a bit, not in that way obviously but I guess it's odd seeing others succeed where I haven't." His phrasing irritated Jade, suddenly scooting away from him to put the distance between them.

"I'm not your personal reclamation project Beck, I'm allowed to do things without you." She almost growled.

"No that's not what I mean either." He grabbed her hand, not letting her pull it away immediately. "Honestly. I'm so happy you were able to do that as week ago it would have been unthinkable; I just wish I could have done more to help you."

Jade looked at him as though he had grown a second head.

"You're kidding right?" At Beck's lack of response, Jade felt clarity dawning on her.

"Beck, you did more to help me than anyone else, especially in those first few weeks. I don't know if I'd be here now if you hadn't been there for me then." The chilling revelation sat uncomfortably in the air between them, a fact Jade had been aware of since the small hours of the morning.

"Now I want to start moving on, I'm sick of being the victim they made me into, I'm sick of not having control of my own body and my own brain doing what feels like trying to kill me." Jade was breathing heavily now, searching Beck's face for understanding as she tried to get the words out properly.

"It's shit, and it's always been shit but now I finally feel like I can try to change thing. I might not, I may be a panicky, exhausting wreck for the rest of my life but at least I can try."

Beck shuffled closer to her again, closing the distance between them as his own understanding dawned on him. He reached out a hand and tucked some stray hair behind her ear, an intimate gesture that never got old for Jade.

"I'm so proud of you." He murmured, enjoying the slight blush that dusted Jade's cheekbones before he closed the gap entirely to capture her lips in a kiss. Jade found herself smiling into it, caught unawares but thoroughly enjoying the feel of his lips against hers and the old butterflies in her stomach that began to circle, finally for all the right reasons.

"Ahhh are you guys kissing?"

The moment was ruined as Cat practically bounced back onto the balcony, beyond excited to see actual proof of what she'd been told about the pair's reunion. Beck swallowed his disappointment at the interruption while Jade held back a growl of frustration.

"Yes Cat, we were kissing."

"You know we're back together."

"Yeah but you guys are adorable." Cat's grin got even wider and Beck placed a placating hand in the small of Jade's back, preventing her from saying something very rude to Cat. In a bit to keep the peace, Beck moved the topic back to school and Sikowitz's latest assignment and Cat, to her credit, let herself be distracted.

As Jade relaxed against Beck's side, enjoying the warmth his hand was providing to her back, she felt a new feeling bubble up inside her that she couldn't quite identify. It was only as Beck's hand migrated to her waist and pulled her in slightly closer than she realised it was contentment. For the first time in what felt like the longest time, Jade felt content.

* * *

**The end - just kidding, we still have several chapters to go. So this wasn't big on action but Jade is starting to really grab the bull by the horns and fight for her future, also her and Beck are now much better at the whole 'communicating' lark. I've never incorporated a song before so I hope it works well. Incidentally it's not the song that gave me the idea for this story, but it is one of the one's I listen to a lot when I'm writing these chapters (especially those in the hospital.). I take absolutely no credit for it - if you want to listen the song is 'Courage' by Celine Dion. **

**If I can be soppy for a moment, thank you to all the reviews/followers/favouriters, I never expected to get such a following and I just hope that I can do the final part of the story justice and make it satisfying for you all. Like I said, we still have several to go but the end is in sight now. I can't give you an exact number as I haven't written them yet. **

**This note is now stupidly long, so as always all spelling and grammar mistakes are my own, feel free to leave your thoughts in the box below. **


	37. Chapter 37

Jade resisted the urge to shoot the man opposite her one of her patented death glares. Another night of poor sleep was rapidly pushing what would usually be general annoyance into homicidal territory. As it was, a scowl was darkening her face which Lane was persistently ignoring as he stared her down.

"I don't understand why you're making it into such a big deal." Jade ground out, trying hard to keep her temper in check.

"Am I making it into a big deal? Or are you and you're just trying to deflect it onto me?"

Jade's restraint failed and she practically growled at Lane, his statement frustrating her beyond belief. She hadn't even meant to mention the showcase to Lane, it had just slipped out when she had been recalling Cat's visit to him. The fact that the showcase seemed to have caught his attention more than her retrieving her belongings from her mother's house or spending two nights without Beck also managed to both bemuse and irritate her in equal measure. Realising Jade wasn't going to say anything further; Lane tried another tactic.

"What stopped you from saying yes straight away?"

"Well you seem to have all the answers, why don't you tell me?"

This time it was Lane's turn to narrow his eyes at his student.

"Jade." It was a quiet warning but a warning none the less, begrudgingly Jade found she respected him too much to ignore it completely.

"It still feels too weird."

"Because of how your friendship with them all became strained?"

Jade fought back another sarcastic response, knowing she would only prove his point further.

"I just didn't realise what was happening and now I don't know whether or not I should be pissed at them, or myself."

"Do you want to be angry with them?"

"I did." Jade admitted, biting her lip as she tried to wade through the mismatch of emotion swirling through her head.

"And now?" Lane prompted.

"Now, I don't know. I guess they cared more than I thought." Her late-night conversation with Andre flashed through her head. She still couldn't quite understand why he had tried to take the blame as while she did feel resentment for the way they'd chosen Beck, she knew she never would have let them close enough to see what was going on anyway.

"And I'm tired of feeling like I'm dying under the weight of all this crap." Lane gave her a sympathetic look which made Jade want to gouge her eyes out; receiving sympathy had never been her forte.

"It's understandable you just want it all to be over and to move on, and there is nothing wrong with letting yourself move on if you think you're ready."

"But it's awkward." Jade realised as she spoke just how childish she sounded but Lane paid it no attention.

"If you think about it, it's no more awkward for you than it is for them. Seems like a good place to move forward from if you ask me."

Jade considered his words, realising there was merit to his argument. The thought of going back to school was not a pleasant one, but the need for normality was beginning to win out. Even more so, she'd enjoyed working on Andre's song with him; she wanted to know what the finished article would sound like, even if it was for Tori to sing. Jade gave herself a mental shake, aware she was still being a little unfair to her given that she'd tried to make amends in her own way as well.

"Talking about school, we need to discuss your workload."

Jade snapped out of her thoughts; she'd been wondering how long it would be before her lack of participation would land her in trouble.

"Don't worry, you're not in trouble." Lane continued, as if he'd read her mind. "The faculty knew it would be a few weeks before you were able to start picking things up again, but we need to devise a plan to make sure you stay on target to complete the year."

Jade nodded firmly, the thought of having to repeat a year was not appealing in the slightest.

"You may remember what I said a few weeks ago? About online assignments and project work being set."

Jade nodded again, vaguely recalling the conversation although the details were lost on her; she'd been rather distracted at the time.

"Well, start looking at it this week and see how you get on. If it's too much or not suitable for home working, then we can take it to the teachers. We'll talk about integration back into school once you've got back into the habit of working again."

Lane was now adept at reading Jade's smaller cues and saw her jaw twitch almost imperceptibly at the mention of a proper return to school. He decided not to push the topic further for the day, changing tracks once again to focus on her sleep.

"You said you still are not sleeping well?"

"It's better than it was." Jade stated resolutely, it may have been a slight stretch of the truth but at least the little pills usually guaranteed her a few hours of uninterrupted sleep.

"But still not great?"

Jade shook her head, there was no point in lying after all the bags under her eyes tended to speak for themselves. Lane held back a sigh as he realised Jade was definitely not in the mood to share.

"Has it got any worse now you're going to bed on your own?"

"In a way." Jade admitted, hating herself a little bit with the admission. "It takes me longer to fall asleep and then to fall back to sleep each time I wake up."

She didn't like it, but she had grown used to sleeping next to a warm body. Actually, that was doing Beck a disservice he was far more than a warm body; he was a comforting bundle of warmth and familiar smells that made the silence of the night just slightly more bearable against the oppressive backdrop of the thoughts plaguing her mind.

"When I broke up with my partner one of the biggest problems I faced was having to learn to sleep in an empty bed."

Jade looked at Lane, torn between curiosity and a need to remind him that she and Beck had just reunited.

"Do you want to know how I coped?" Again, Jade bit down on a sarcastic reply, interested to see just how much Lane would reveal about his personal life.

"White noise. It's a decent distraction and somewhat a replacement to the sound of another person."

Jade frowned, unsure whether she should be upset he hadn't revealed anything more profound, although she supposed it was better than more suggestions for 'breathing exercises'.

"I'll think about it." And with that, Lane knew to change the conversation again.

* * *

Jade almost jerked as she came back to herself, realising she'd checked out without even noticing. She frowned as the overcast afternoon swum into place around her, realising more time had passed than she initially thought. She felt a stab of anxiety rear up inside her; she'd hoped that she would stop the whole 'disassociation' behaviour when she'd left the hospital but apparently not. The anxiety was suddenly hard to quell and even harder to ignore, rapidly threatening to turn into an all-out panic. She tried to breathe, not wanting to lose control and hating herself just that little bit more.

_In for three, hold for three, out for four. _

_In for three, hold for three, out for four. _

Her hands were shaky, but she still found herself clenching both of them into fists. She couldn't even remember where her mind had been and therefore what had made her feel this way. A terrifying thought flashed through her head.

_What if there wasn't anything making her feel this way?_

_What if this was just now what she was going to feel all the time?_

Dread washed over her like an icy bucket of cold water, clawing at her chest making breathing feel almost impossible.

'_No.' _She thought albeit shakily. '_I need to get a fucking grip.'_

Her resolve strengthened and her breathing became slightly easier. She flexed her fingers, then her good arm and carefully her bad arm. She rolled her neck from one side to the other, moving down to her shoulders in a mimic of some of the exercises her physio had given her. Slowly her breathing started to come under her control, the fog of panic started to clear and Jade felt in control once more.

Objectively, she had known that this would still happen; Lane had told her as much. She supposed she'd been lucky that she'd gone almost a week without and full on 'episode' but in that time she'd managed to forget the intensity with which they occurred, and how exhausted they made her. She fought a yawn, still annoyed even though she had the presence of mind now to know that, annoyance was also irrational. Sometimes she wished she could just hit a button and put her emotions on pause for a bit.

Pulling her Pearbook towards her, Jade logged onto the school server and downloaded her emails; she winced when it struggled to retrieve 30 different messages. A quick scan over the subjects indicated that all her teachers had stuck to their word and an assortment of work was waiting for her. She allowed herself a few seconds to feel overwhelmed before firmly pushing it to one side and blindly selecting an email to start with. As fate clearly had a twisted sense of humour, it was Sikowitz's acting class that she opened first.

_Jade, _

_I've enclosed details for some interesting research I'd like you to do in keeping with the class topics I'll be covering in the next few weeks. I've also 'assigned' you a scene-write, your choice for topic and length but the only criteria is it has to be dialogue __**only**__. Any questions then just let me know. _

_Also, I hope you are recovering well. Your chair awaits your return when you are ready. _

_Sikowitz _

_(Your favourite coconut enthusiast.)_

Jade had to read the email several times before it fully sank in. The tasks were easy and she had a feeling that was intentional. The note about her chair caught Jade by surprise, it seemed overly generous given the last time she had spoken to her teacher it had been when she'd stormed out of his room after he'd suggested she didn't try hard enough. Looking back, she was only a little bitter for his comment. She knew he didn't really mean it; he was probably trying to get some sort of reaction out of her but at the time it had been the tip of a very large iceberg. Still, there was something about the way he'd phrased the comment about her chair made her pause; it managed to somehow make her feel good and bad at the same time.

She clenched her fists again as she fought the rising frustration before pushing it to one side, trying to steel her resolve once more. Opening up a blank word document, she shut her eyes to visualise her assignment, a trick she'd learnt of Sikowitz himself, before letting her thoughts spill onto the keyboard.

* * *

Beck pulled into the parking lot, trying to ignore the apprehension growing in his stomach. It was a perfectly unassuming environment he realised as locked his truck, manicured beds of pretty flowers and desert-loving plants separating lines of recently re-painted parking bays. The whole thing set his teeth on edge. He still wasn't sure that talking to a therapist was going to help him at all, Jade was the one who had genuine issues whereas he was just reacting to what was going on. He'd slyly hoped that if he'd managed to act normal around his parents that they would let it drop for a bit, but his mother had pushed the appointment details into his hand before he'd left for school that morning.

He'd still been texting Jade throughout the day, hoping that it was as much for her benefit as it was for his, but she hadn't seemed to be in such a great mood. Saying goodbye to her the previous evening had been more difficult than he'd been anticipating; he wasn't sure who was clinging to who the tightest. He'd managed a more restful night but still woken with a feeling of dread that didn't quite make sense in the pit of his stomach.

"Beck Oliver?" A voice rang out across the parking lot and Beck's head snapped up to see a tall woman walking towards him. He supressed an inward groan.

"Yes, that's me."

"I thought it might be when you didn't come in, your appointment started five minutes ago."

_Crap. _

Beck genuinely hadn't realised that much time had elapsed since his arrival and, as he now realised, he looked like he was dodging therapy or afraid of it in some way. He followed the tall lady, who briefly introduced herself as Dr Jean Lucas although Beck already knew this from the card that had been hastily stuffed in his wallet that morning.

Her office was very typical, mostly calming and unobtrusive décor with two large chairs and a separate desk and chair. Beck awkwardly sat down, unsure as to how this would even play out.

"So, I believe it was your mother that made this appointment for you?"

Of all the ways Beck had thought the session would start, this wasn't one of them.

"Yeah, she wanted me to talk to someone."

"And I take it you don't want to talk to anyone?"

Beck paused, his confirmation on the tip of his tongue thinking his ticket out of here would be easier than he thought but something made him pause. Dr Lucas stared him down, half expectant and half intrigued at her latest patient.

"I think she thinks it's more serious than I do." He finally decided on the difference between him and his mom.

"And what is this 'thing' that you don't think is as serious as her?"

Beck shot her a look, not willing to fall into a therapist trap that he'd heard Jade rant about on multiple occasions.

"Didn't she tell you when she made my appointment?"

"Yes, but as an annoying therapist I like to get my patients to repeat things in their own words for my own amusement."

Beck had the decency to look slightly abashed as Dr Lucas's raised eyebrow accompanied her sarcasm.

"My girlfriend was involved in an accident, and I've been her support in the meantime and it's made me a little on edge." Beck was aware that it was a drastic oversimplification of the issues at hand, but it was the best he could offer at that moment. For all his reputation as an 'open book', there was definitely some self-preservation that stopped him from spilling the contents of the last few weeks to a complete stranger, even a highly qualified one.

"Okay, and what do you mean by 'on edge'?" Beck was surprised she'd skipped past the events completely and seemed to genuinely be questioning his meaning. Although he no longer thought he was being set-up, he wasn't quite sure how to answer her.

"I just got used to spending all my time with her so I get a bit tense when we aren't together for a long time, and sleeping is a bit rough as I get these dreams." He trailed off, still uncomfortable with the prospect of talking about it all to a stranger.

"I can see this isn't easy for you Beck so why don't we back up a bit, this is only your first session after all. Why don't you tell me about you and your girlfriend, or maybe your family and we'll work up to the other stuff?"

Beck scrutinised her seemingly earnest expression, feeling the slight tingle of relief that he wasn't going to be forced into providing tonnes of detail on painful and very personal topics in the first fifteen minutes.

"Well I met Jade back when we started school together…."

* * *

Beck left Jean Lucas's office feeling different to how he went in, although he couldn't have told anyone exactly what was different; it was almost as though he felt lighter somehow. He'd spent the majority of the session talking about either himself or Jade, his parents occasionally factoring in. He'd briefly described the accident, probably just enough for Dr Lucas to understand the type of issues he was dealing with as she had managed to make well placed comments and suggestions without ever talking down to him; for which, Beck was immeasurably grateful. He wasn't exactly looking forward to seeing her the following week, but he wasn't dreading it now as he had the first appointment.

As he drove back out of the parking lot, heading east towards Mr West's house, he found himself going over the different things' Dr Lucas had said.

Logical, stress response.

Situational anxiety.

Post-traumatic stress.

He'd bristled at the third comment as that was _Jade's_ diagnosis, but Dr Lucas had cut in almost straight away explaining the differences between PTS and PTSD. Where one was a normal reaction to an event or situation where symptoms would get better with time and usually with minimal intervention whereas the other was a mental illness that was characterised by a wider variety of symptoms that were difficult to control and drastically affect the ability of the sufferer to function in every day life. The description had seemed so clinical to Beck at the time but now he thought about it, it made his own struggles easier to understand. Of course, his brain was overreacting, what was it supposed to think given everything that had happened; people had been far more traumatised over far less as Dr Lucas had explained.

It gave him a stronger sense of accepting towards the anxious feeling that was still following him around, as though he finally understood a bit more why it was there. He only hoped the peace he'd managed to gain from the appointment lasted longer than a few hours, as he felt like he could focus more clearly than he had in a while. He suddenly indicated left, deciding he might as well turn up with some of Jade's favourite takeout in an attempt to cheer her up given her withdrawn demeanour earlier that day.

* * *

Beck found the door unlocked as Jade had promised and he found himself wiggling quietly through it with the sushi boxes balanced with his backpack, hoping he could surprise his girlfriend just a little. He gave a quick glance at the shut doors, confirming that Mr West was indeed out of the way before crossing to the stairs. He could hear the television, or was it talking? Perplexed he carried on and was surprised to find the television off and Jade outside on the balcony, still talking to someone but interspersed with piano.

"Jade?" He decided the surprise wasn't worth it if he caught Jade unaware. He watched her back perk up at his voice as she called him out to the balcony.

"I bought Sushi." He greeted as he stepped out onto the balcony "Oh, hey Andre!" The source of the voice and piano had suddenly become apparent as he saw Andre on the facetime on Jade's Pearbook.

"Hey man!" Andre greeted briefly before turning his attention straight back to the music at hand. "So, you think keep the climax as simple as before?"

"Subtle layering is more powerful than a full orchestra suddenly appearing out of nowhere, just make sure Vega works on her alto belt range and it'll sound decent."

"Decent?" Andre teased, knowing it was the closest Jade would get to paying Tori an actual compliment. Jade simply raised her eyebrow in response, a half scowl forming on her face.

"On that, I'm going to hers now to rehearse – want me to call you from there to carry on working on it?"

"Nope, I trust you with it from here." Now it was Jade's turn to tease, but Andre didn't pay her any bother and ended the call with a smile.

"Productive evening?" Beck asked as he passed her a carton of her favourite sushi, earning him a coveted Jade half-smile.

"Productive afternoon I think, I managed to start with some schoolwork for Sikowitz and Carter before Andre called to help him finish the song."

"Is it sounding good?"

"Of course, it is." Her harsh words were belied by the quiet sparkle in her eyes that Beck had sorely missed. They sat quietly for a few minutes, eating and trading cartons with no actual talking required. Jade realised she had missed this as much as Beck had, the level of familiarity they had shared which meant sometimes they could almost read each other's minds. She wasn't certain but Jade though Beck looked different to the day before, somewhat calmer and more put together; maybe he was sleeping better than she was. Her heart sank slightly as she remembered her least favourite part of the day was fast approaching; Beck noticed her change in demeanour.

"Hey, everything okay in there?" He asked softly.

Jade shook her head, playing with the rice between her chopsticks instead of eating it.

"Just tired."

"How was it with Lane today?"

Jade prickled but resisted snapping at him, reminding herself it was only because he cared, and he would probably accept whatever answer she gave.

"Same as normal, although he is now also onto me about the stupid showcase."

"Well I promised I won't ask you about it then." Beck teased gently, drawing a small smile from his girlfriend.

"How about you? Wasn't it your turn today?"

Beck had told her about therapy after Cat had left the previous evening and she'd been cautiously optimistic that it was the right decision. The caution came from Beck's obvious reluctance to attend but it seemed now as though it must have had a positive effect on him.

"Yeah it really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Dr Lucas was alright and not too annoying; she had this way of putting things which seemed to make everything a bit clearer." Beck stared off into space, a look of calm passing back over him; he missed Jade's slight frown as it flitted across her own face.

"That's good."

Beck nodded, again missing Jade's slightly strained tone.

"Hopefully I won't have to go too often, at least until my parents are satisfied that I'm sane."

This time he didn't miss the sudden tension in Jade's posture.

"Sorry – I didn't mean it like – I mean it was a really poor choice of words."

"Beck, it's fine." Jade cut him off, but she had put down the carton of food altogether.

"No, it's not, I wasn't thinking and-"

"Beck!" Jade wasn't in the mood for his apologies, the words had stung, but she knew he didn't mean them; it wasn't the words that were bothering her so much as his whole situation. It was irrational but she found she was jealous of him. Jealous of his parent's caring so much they set him up with a therapist, jealous of how he went to one appointment and already started to feel a bit better. How long had it taken for her to reach a similar place? How much more work was she still going to have to do to try and get a normal life again? It was enough to put off her food entirely.

Beck had also placed his own chopsticks down, now feeling guilty at Jade's sudden withdrawal. He moved both their cartons out the way and slid closer to her. She was tense for a moment before accepting his offer of an embrace.

It was much later in the evening when Beck laid awake long after Jade had fallen asleep, his comments from earlier in the evening still playing around in his head. He looked down at her sleeping form, a slight frown still gracing her face, and he resolved to do better tomorrow.

* * *

As another morning dawned, Jade was again awake to greet it; continuous sleep was becoming an increasingly elusive concept for her. She tried to feign sleep as Beck surfaced, in a double attempt to not worry him while also hoping to avoid awkward conversation carrying over from the previous evening. She wasn't sure he fell for it, but he didn't pester her all the same, instead keeping her tucked close into him while playing gently with her hair.

The peal of the alarm disturbed the peace as usual and Beck was pulled from the bed. The last few mornings Jade had been making an effort to get up earlier in a bid to help her body reset it's sleep clock but today the weariness in her limbs seemed a bit too much. Her decision was sealed when her phone buzzed with a message from Lane telling her he would be late that morning due to a mishap at school. She managed to ignore the worried look on Beck's face as he re-entered the room dressed for the day to find her still in bed.

"Are you not feeling so good?" His voice was timid, the worry glaringly obvious which only served to make Jade twinge with guilt.

"No." She replied honestly, and Beck's face managed to fall further.

"Anything I can do?"

"I don't think there's anything I can do." She stated quietly, the oppressive weight sitting on her chest had seemingly grown overnight. Beck checked his watch, knowing he was running perilously short on time but not wanting to leave Jade as she was. Deciding a few minutes late would be worth it, he crossed back over to the bed and enveloped Jade in a tight hug; the same type his mom had always given him when he needed comforting. He felt her hand clutch his shirt tightly in response before letting it go and giving him a gentle prod.

"You're going to be late for school."

"I can stay if you want?"

"No, you can't." Jade said softly "I'll be fine, I've got to learn how to deal with this, right?"

It wasn't that Beck didn't want to believe her but the words coming out of her mouth didn't quite match up with her tone or the blank expression on her face.

"Okay, but promise you'll call if it gets worse."

"Promise."

He believed her a little more that time and with a last kiss to her cheek, he left the room. As he hurried out the door, he nearly flattened Vera who was just arriving.

"Hello Beck, in a hurry, are we?"

"Yes, sorry! Jade's not having a great morning and I lost track of time."

Vera looked at him sympathetically.

"Now don't you worry; I'll keep an eye on her this morning."

Despite the rush he was in, Beck found himself oddly touched by Vera's words and he thanked her before jogging over to his truck. It was only as he was reversing down the driveway that he realised he was genuinely reassured by the housekeeper's promise, and that it just might be enough to settle the worst of his worries for the morning.

* * *

Vera waited a full twenty minutes after Jade's usual breakfast time before deciding to take matters into her own hands. Mr West had entered briefly and then left without even realising that his daughter wasn't occupying her usual seat out on the patio. She walked quietly upstairs, taking a moment to listen to ensure she wasn't encroaching on Jade's privacy but heard nothing. She resolved to just poke her head around the door, just to check that the young girl was okay and then she'd retreat but those thoughts left her mind when she saw that Jade wasn't asleep at all. She was lying on one side on the bed, gazing straight out into space almost unblinking and Vera found it disturbed her more than she cared to admit. No one that young, with their life in-front of them should ever look like that.

"Jade?" She kept her voice quiet, not wanting to startle her before edging into the room. Jade's eyes flickered in recognition, but she made no real effort to get up.

"Can I get you anything Jade? You didn't come down for breakfast."

Vera was level with the bed now and saw Jade shake her head.

"Do you want to get dressed? I could run you a nice bath if you want?"

"No thanks." Her voice was croaky and quiet, only serving to worry Vera more; she approached the bed.

"Are you just having an off day?"

Jade nodded slowly, still not making direct eye contact with Vera who found herself sinking onto the side of the bed, her knees not permitting her to stand at the odd angle for any longer.

"It's alright you know, to have off days." Vera stated quietly, "I don't know what you've been through, but you've been through more than most your age have I'd bet." She absentmindedly started gently patting Jade's leg that was buried under the covers, reminiscent of the comfort she'd provided to her boys when they were laid up with the flu.

"I think it does everyone the world of good to have an 'off' day once in a while, you need to recharge and just feel down before you can pick yourself back up again." Vera's musings were interrupted by a quiet sniff. She looked up, shocked to see tear marks tracking down Jade's face.

"Oh, my love." Her maternal instinct flooded her as she moved closer to the head of the bed, noting immediately that Jade made no effort to move herself away. She pulled her clean hankie from a pocket and wiped the stray tears away before holding out her arms and gathering Jade into a gentle hug. Any thoughts she'd had on the stairs about maintaining dignity and boundaries were swiftly chased from her head as she felt Jade cling onto her arms.

She rocked her very gently, trying to provide comfort that the girl so obviously needed but wasn't getting, and maybe hadn't had for many years. It didn't matter that she'd only known her a little over a week, to Vera she was someone in need of a helping hand, of love and support; something Vera knew she could help with it and she wanted to help with. She couldn't imagine having ever abandoned her sons the way Mr West (and apparently the late ex Mrs West) had done to Jade.

* * *

Jade wasn't sure what had been the final straw but when the tears had started to fall, she couldn't stop them. There was something in the way Vera was talking to her, the kindness and acceptance in her voice that made Jade yearn for more. It was ridiculous, or so she tried to tell herself, she barely knew the woman really but for some reason her presence was more comforting than she had ever imagined.

As Vera had wiped away her tears and wrapped her in an embrace, Jade realised she had been craving this type of interaction without even knowing she was. It was the way her mother used to make her feel when they had an ice-cream floor party after her and her dad had been arguing, a feeling she could only just remember feeling before. She found herself clinging onto the woman, letting the sweet smell of some generic floral perfume and fabric condition cocoon her in the hope it would chase away the demons in her head.

* * *

**So, this is a shorter one which is a bit slower in some ways, but I wanted to show that, like true love, the course of recovery never does run smooth. Jade is still fighting but it isn't plain sailing all the way and she still is discovering the things she lost out on over the years. I hope you enjoyed the slightly different take on things – feel free to drop me a review and let me know. **

**Big thank you to all you lovely people who reviewed the last chapter and to everyone still with me at this point in the journey. **


	38. Chapter 38

As Andre played the final chord, Tori felt a wave of satisfaction fall over her; the song was brilliant. She was in awe as to how quickly the changes had been made and yet still managed to make it so effective. It sounded like the reading of someone's diary, their innermost thoughts and had that sincerity that made it easily identifiable as one of Andre's creations.

"Andre this is going to be so good, everyone is going to love it."

"Yeah it is sounding pretty damn fine." His relief was palpable as he scanned over the music for what must have been the hundredth time. He was reasonably convinced it was as good as finished but he was always plagued by the urge to continuously tweak his work, chasing an impossible perfection that perhaps only existed in his head. He vaguely registered Tori was looking at him expectantly and snapped his mind back to the rehearsal room.

"Sorry Tori, what were you saying?"

"Where did the inspiration come from, this was a completely different song last week."

"I, uh, talked to Jade and she helped me out with it." His manner turned uncharacteristically awkward as he wondered again why he hadn't told Tori from the start that he'd been talking to Jade. The slightly hurt expression on her face reminded him pretty quickly of why.

"Jade was talking to you?"

"Well it was Cat's idea; I was really stuck, and Jade's helped me through those mental blocks in the past."

"Yeah, and don't you remember what happened last time?" Tori said pointedly, forgetting her momentary hurt at Jade's willingness to engage with Andre, who now rolled his eyes; unknowingly mirroring Jade's trademark expression.

"I know but I don't feel wonky, besides I'm pretty sure her and Beck have worked things out anyway."

Tori's eyes widened at this new information and she practically bounded around the piano to Andre.

"They're back together? No one told me this, why am I always the last to know?" Despite her exasperation at apparently being at the bottom of the gossip chain, Tori found herself buzzing over the latest development. It was odd how in just a few short weeks she'd gone from thinking Beck and Jade's relationship was better off buried to thinking it might be exactly what Beck was missing, and apparently Jade was missing it too.

"Well what with the accident and all, I think they've both probably got more on their minds than updating their slap statuses." Andre wore a well-meaning half-frown at the brunette's ability to swerve from topic to topic while actually missing out the main issue at hand.

"Yeah, you're right." Tori seemed to be calming down somewhat now, the solemn reminder of Jade's situation putting things back into perspective for her.

"I still haven't spoken to her."

"Don't rush it, you guys weren't close remember and-"

"And what?" Tori asked and Andre winced, trying to tread carefully as he tried to get through to his ultimately well-intentioned friend.

"And, you shouldn't be reacting just because you feel guilty about stuff, because it won't end well."

Tori wanted to retort but Andre had hit too close to home. Even after organising the hamper, she still felt bad about the way she'd welcomed the natural exclusion of Jade after the split.

"I just feel like I could have done more, that maybe if I hadn't been so quick to push her away then maybe this wouldn't have happened, or at least she would have told someone." Tori never for a moment imagined Jade would have opened up to her, but maybe Cat or even Andre.

"I know." Andre's tone became sympathetic as he recognised the same internal debate he'd experienced many times in the past few weeks. "I've thought the same more than once but Jade doesn't blame us."

"She actually said that?" Perhaps uncharitably, a small part of Tori had thought that Jade would get some sort of justification from apportioning blame to the group.

"Yeah, she did." Andre recalled their phone conversation and felt a sad half-smile take over his face. "It doesn't necessarily fix everything, but she said she never would have told anyone. She doesn't want to blame anyone."

With Andre's admission, Tori felt herself breathing a little easier. It seemed odd to be thinking of Jade in such a serious capacity, but nothing about the past few weeks had been normal. She briefly wondered how much the experience had changed the dark forever, would she be any happier now? Any nicer to people. Tori almost snorted as she tried to imagine a sunny, smiley Jade swiftly deciding that she would no longer be Jade if her personality had reversed overnight.

"Come on, we need to run through this again; I'm still not sure about the chord progression on the bridge."

Tori nodded, returning to her position in-front of the piano as she pushed the business with Jade to the back of her mind, quietly resolving that while she couldn't change the past, she could shape the future.

* * *

Jade realised pretty quickly that Vera was hanging closer to her than normal, finding chores and jobs to do that meant Jade was never far from her line of sight. Jade wanted to be annoyed but found her presence was more reassuring than she was prepared for. Her cheeks still burned as she thought of the events of the morning, of crying in Vera's arms like she hadn't cried before. To her credit Vera hadn't said anything, simply content to hold Jade like a small child until long after her tears had finally dried up. She'd quietly suggested Jade go and wash her face; when Jade had returned, a cup of fruit tea was waiting for her and her bed had been made. Jade had used the time drinking the tea to try and compose herself, she wanted to write in her book but retrieving it suddenly seemed like too much effort.

She'd ventured downstairs barely minutes before Lane had arrived out of breath and clearly stressed over the happenings at school. Vera had done her usual of preparing breakfast for the two of them and depositing it on the table, with an added glass of iced water for the counsellor, before retreating to the kitchen.

The counselling session had not been her best as Lane had immediately noticed her low mood. He'd done her best to guide her through it, unknowingly echoing Vera's sentiments that sometimes she would feel low, for no apparent reason (beyond the obvious). They'd talked, or rather Lane talked while Jade mostly listened, through some distraction techniques and ways to channel the emotions into something more productive. Everything Lane had suggested made perfect sense to Jade but she couldn't help but feel it didn't help when everything seemed like too much effort. It was the sort of comment that she previously would have held inside, but she had found herself pointing it out to the counsellor; whether it was from a genuine desire to understand or a selfish want to prove him wrong she wasn't sure.

Lane's response hadn't exactly been positive but there was something strangely encouraging about it.

"Those days are the toughest, you have to try and find it in you to do something no matter how small or how ineffective you think it will be. Even if you're only movement on those days is moving from the bed to the couch, you have to try to fight those feelings for control." Jade had been silent at this, but Lane had not finished.

"You're already doing it without knowing, I know you want to get through this."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Two weeks ago, you wouldn't have even considered asking me what you just have. You would have sat there in silence listening and resolving to probably ignore what I was saying, wanting nothing more than to go back to sleep or escape somewhere quiet. You're stronger than you think you are."

The words had echoed around her head long after Lane had departed, and she found herself torn between taking comfort that someone thought she could do this and feeling like an imposter. It was as though she couldn't work out who the 'real' Jade was, whether it was the dark, despondent individual who she'd woken up with this morning or the more determined, stubborn person from the other night on the balcony, the one who'd claimed she was sick of being a victim.

Jade let out a sigh and played with the edge of her sling, she wasn't sure who she wanted to be or whether the truth laid somewhere between the two. Still, like Lane said, try and find something to do. She got up slowly from the chair, twisting her muscles experimentally as she realised, she'd been sat in a less than comfortable angle for too long. She walked back into the kitchen, wordlessly passing Vera the breakfast tray as she held out her arms for it.

Due to Lane's lateness it was now past lunch time, but Jade wasn't hungry yet. She found herself sitting down at the central island and pulling out her phone. She briefly replied to a text from Beck, the faked nonchalance from the previous week had gone from his message as he simply stated that he hoped she was feeling better and he was there if she needed to talk. All too aware of how her boyfriend had his own needs, she sent him the most honest response she could muster, hoping it would be enough to stop his own worries.

Vera watched Jade carefully out the corner of her eye. It was a departure from the norm for her to remain downstairs after the appointment with her counsellor, but she seemed content enough to stay put for now, if somewhat vacant. Vera opened her mouth to suggest a late lunch when Jade frowned. Her phone was buzzing in her hand.

"Yeah." Her tone was clipped as she answered, the frown still firmly in-place.

"Okay." She watched as Jade fiddled with the loose edge of her sling, she'd noticed that she spent time both with and without it on now.

"I don't." Her tone was even shorter now, if that was possible. There was beat and then,

"Fine." She hung up without saying goodbye to the person on the other end of the phone, slamming her mobile down on the unit in front of her with a resounding thud.

Vera held back, no longer sure whether her intervention would be welcomed. The phone call seemed to have done more than anger Jade as now the young girl seemed to be shaking slightly, while staring angrily at the wall; her hand was clenched in her lap, nails digging into her thigh. Vera made a snap decision, changing her plans for the afternoon entirely.

* * *

"Jade, I've got to run to the shops now, do you want to come along for the ride?"

The question seemed innocent enough but managed to snap Jade out of her inner turmoil for long enough to dismiss it out of hand. Almost. As she looked back at Vera, she bit back her automatic rejection of the offer, her expression was one of earnest and caring. Lane's earlier words came back to her, about finding the one thing on the day's it felt impossible.

"Sure." There was obvious surprise in Vera's expression, but she masked it well, a smile gracing her features and capturing most of the well-worn lines on her face.

"I've got to get the last of my list together so you can go get some other clothes on."

Jade was still in the clothes she'd slept in and rose from the table as Vera pointedly moved her attention elsewhere, as though Jade's agreement was no big deal.

As she walked into the bedroom, she surveyed the clothing options somewhat disparagingly. Half her outfits were unsuitable as they required tights, a battle she was not willing to have with her still healing shoulder. She pulled out one of her surviving pairs of jeans, wanting something other than the leggings she'd been almost permanently stuck in since she left hospital. Getting into them required more focus but her blind stubbornness assured her success in the end, and the less said about the now wonky lampshade on her bedside lamp the better. She pulled out the drawer of shirts, feeling somewhat frustrated that she was low on choices. Some had been destroyed with her room and some were discounted purely on needing too much faff; she had never realised how many layers she normally wore until putting them on was a chore in itself. Settling on a simple tank and loose black jumper, Jade attempted to do battle with her hair.

She'd stopped looking at in the bathroom mirror only a few days after leaving the hospital as it tended to only sour her mood. It was still hanging lank and wispy in places, the darker brown colour still fighting the break-through of her natural brown and conspicuously absent of her usual colourful streaks. She pulled a brush through it in a half-hearted attempt to bring some order to the mess, it was on her fourth pull through that she belatedly realised it didn't hurt like it once did. She felt around for the scar from the surgery and found nothing but a thick tuft of hair growing in its place. She ran her fingers through it, allowing her natural parting to fall into place. She had a natural wave to her hair that she would usually curl into place with an iron, but for now it would have to do without. She eyed it critically, wondering if it would be worth trying to put it into a ponytail to disguise the dye re-growth before dismissing it as too much effort. She ran her hand through it again, deciding it could probably look worse and, really, it wasn't that important.

* * *

"But you ate all the pears? How could you, you know they were my favourite!"

"And scene." Sikowitz interrupted the pair on the small platform, calling an end to his themed improv demonstration.

"As you can see class, it is possible to take three random things and improv a convincing scene, as long as you think on your feet which is essential as an actor."

Beck listened slightly amused at the scene Robbie and Tori had managed to improvise using the prompts 'pears', 'socks' and 'renewable energy'. He was finding it a bit easier to focus in his more participation heavy classes but still struggling a bit in the more mainstream classes they still had to take; still, history never held his interest much anyway.

As usual the bell rang stopping Sikowitz in his tracks as the class departed for lunch. He listened to Robbie bemoan his mee-maw's latest intrusion into his life as they queued at the grub truck, Cat offering completely unhelpful suggestions to Robbie that all seemed to involve living a secret life as a fugitive.

"Have you got anything for the spring showcase Beck?" Tori's question almost caught him off guard, not realising that now they were at the table, Cat had finally run out of solutions to Robbie's problems.

"Na, not this time." He had a few ideas back before everything had happened with Jade but obviously that had not been a priority.

"Has Jadey decided if she's coming or not?"

"Not yet Cat." Beck gave a small smile. "She hasn't said she isn't though." Cat squealed and clapped her hands in response. Beck hoped he wasn't giving her false hope, but he considered it to be a very good sign that Jade hadn't already decided against it. Still, after the morning it brought it all back again that this wasn't a smooth road. His phone buzzed.

'_Talk of the devil'_ he thought wryly, although not without relief.

"Is that Jade?" Tori questioned, watching Beck's face morph into an expression of surprise and something else as he read the text.

"Yeah, we've been chatting most of the morning." He offered by way of explanation, not wanting to disclose exactly what they had been chatting about.

"What's she up to?" Cat questioned, slightly deflated that so far, her text messages for the day had gone unanswered.

"She's going into town with Vera."

"Who's Vera?" It was Robbie's turn to question him.

"Her father's housekeeper." Beck said shortly before realising how rude it sounded. "She's a nice lady."

"A housekeeper?" Robbie mouthed, only just realising how well-off Jade's father must be.

"Does she know when she'll be returning to school?"

Beck shook his head at Tori.

"She's doing loads better but she's not there yet. It's just when she thinks she is coping it seems to hit her around the face again." Beck tried to explain it as best he could and Tori seemed to understand, or at least that was what the expression on her face managed to convey. Tori's phone buzzed.

"Uggh Andre's summoning me for more rehearsal time." Tori complained although not seriously, Andre's dedication could be quite infectious. As she rose from the table, Cat turned her attention towards her.

"Do you want to hang out after school?"

"Sure, it'll give me a reason to slow Andre down anyway."

Cat smiled wide and waited for Tori to depart before tapping away excitedly on her phone. Beck frowned, suspecting the redhead was once again up to something.

"Cat?"  
"You can come too Beck!"

"Come where?"

"Shopping with Jadey."

"You've invited Tori to go shopping with you and Jade." Beck was incredulous. "Cat that won't end well, I don't know if Jade's even up to it, she didn't have a good morning today." He lowered his voice, trying to convey his concerns but they didn't seem to impact on her.

"I'm not forcing her to come. I've only just asked anyway." Cat wore a small frown, wondering if she should have mentioned it at all.

"Just tread carefully today Cat."

"I'm not doing this to upset her Beck." There was a tension in her voice that was very rarely heard coming from Cat. Beck backed down and Robbie, noticing the tension, began to talk about their afternoon class.

Cat only half-listened, trying not to be annoyed at Beck for suggesting that she was trying to force Jade to do things she didn't want. Sure, she hadn't told Jade that Tori would be there too, but she knew her best friend, and she seemed to want normality so wouldn't that include Tori? She bit her lip, half hoping that Jade wouldn't get her text or would just ignore it, no longer sure she'd made the right decision at all. The bell rang signalling the start of the final class and Cat jammed her phone back into her bag, hoping that if she ignored it, she wouldn't see a response either way.

* * *

Shopping with Vera had been relatively uneventful, the older woman having left Jade to her own devices in the large Walmart. Jade had found herself browsing through the clothes and cosmetics, picking up a few of the essentials she'd been missing the last few weeks, including a ridiculous pair of fuzzy socks which she hated but had chosen to combat the cool floor on her feet in the mornings. She'd joined Vera at the frozen food aisles where the older woman had chatted on blithely about this and that. Jade had found herself listening to some of it but not all, although Vera didn't seem to mind.

The earlier phone conversation rolled around in her head, unable to be pushed away for too long but just long enough for Jade to stay in the real world. As they got to the tills Jade broke off and queued further away, taking out the latest credit card her father had provided a few days previously; it had been left with a note on the kitchen island. She'd thought about turning it down, but she didn't really have any other option at that point.

Jade pulled out her phone, realising it had buzzed a while ago and she'd ignored it.

_(2) New messages: Beck Oliver, Cat Valentine. _

_Message: Beck Oliver._

_I hope shopping goes well, I'm glad you've managed to get out for a bit. I've got to do some stuff for my parents right after school but I can come over after? _

_Message: Cat Valentine. _

_Jadeeey, Beck says you're shopping so do you want to go to the mall after school? We could go get those ice cream milkshakes with the silver stars inside? _

As she waited for Vera to finish paying, Jade checked the time. It wasn't long until school finished, and she figured Vera wouldn't mind dropping her slightly further into town; she wasn't ready to go home and face reality just yet. Shooting of an agreement to Cat and Beck, asking Beck if he'd mind picking her up from the mall and wincing as she realised, she couldn't wait until she could drive again.

"Ready to go?" Vera had caught up with her.

"Yeah, I'm going to meet a friend after they finish school."

"Oh, that will be nice." Vera interrupted cheerfully. "Do you want me to drop you off anywhere?"

Jade blinked, slightly surprised that Vera had immediately offered. She mustered her own smile, one that she hoped was grateful enough as she told her where they were meeting.

Vera was quieter on the car ride over, her old rickety radio still going strong as it played out jazz hits from the 70s and 80s. Jade let the music wash over her, much of it familiar in one way or another, anything to stop her mind wandering to where she didn't want it to go.

Vera pulled into the parking bay and Jade got out, murmuring one last thanks which Vera smiled at. She watched as Jade stood on the side of the pavement, wondering why she hadn't moved yet.

As Jade stood, everything suddenly felt a little overwhelming. The noise was immense from the street behind her and the busy sidewalk in-front of her. There were so many people. It was making her head hurt. She stood still, aware of the tension flooding her body but unsure what to do about it.

"Jade, do you want to grab some lunch?" Vera's head was halfway out the open window. Jade found herself nodding before she was even certain of the answer.

* * *

The food court at the mall wasn't as busy as it was past the traditional lunch slot. At lack of any request from Jade, Vera steered them towards the Chinese and Pan-Asian counter, recalling the Chinese take-out containers she'd seen in the trash the week before.

As they slid into the seats Jade was aware the silence between them was about to get awkward as Vera had seemingly lost her ability to chatter the way she had in the supermarket.

'_Probably because she thinks I'm losing it for real now.' _

"Jade, do you sing?"

Vera's attempt to break the silence caught Jade by surprise, filling her with relief as she had been wracking her brains to try and do the same thing.

"Sometimes." She admitted, feeling somewhat wrong footed. "Why?"

"I overheard piano yesterday when you were upstairs and I thought you might be a singer, you look like you could be a singer."

"That was Andre. He was writing a song and he; he just wanted a fresh perspective." Jade stumbled slightly over her words.

"Your friend was writing a song? He must be a very talented young man. Do you also write songs then?"

"Yeah, sometimes." Jade still felt odd as Vera looked genuinely interested in what she was asking, not simply trying to fill the conversation with words.

"Does your Beck write songs to?"

"Not so much, he is more of an actor." Jade chewed on a fry, supressing an entirely childlike urge to giggle as Beck being referred to as 'her Beck'; she'd have to tell him that later.

"It sounds like you have some very creative friends, do you all go to a club then or something?"

"We go to a performing arts school, Hollywood Arts."

"How exciting, that's some achievement to attend a school like that." Again, there was no lack of sincerity in Vera's voice; she seemed genuinely impressed at Jade's school.

"Do you still do regular classes? My Andrew had a sports scholarship and he had to do all his sports as extra."

"It's sort of a mix." Jade said and then started to explain the class process and elective system at Hollywood Arts, all to feed Vera's curiosity. By the time she was finished, she'd almost forgotten about her food until Vera picked up the mantle with a story of her own son, Andrew, and his talent for basketball.

The conversation started to flow more easily, and Vera continued to question Jade about her life and school. There were some road bumps, some topics that garnered a shorter reply, but Vera easily navigated these by side-stepping to something else. Jade was more talkative than she ever would have realised from the past week and Vera wondered how often someone had sat her down and been genuinely interested in what she had to say. Her opinion of her employer was rapidly falling since Jade had started to live in his house. Before she'd assumed he was bit of a lost soul, someone who was the victim of his own decisions and possibly overlooked by others but now she was struggling to find the same empathy; he had a daughter who he apparently pretended didn't exist most of the time.

Jade had just finished explaining the audition process to Vera when there was a familiar squeal and the sound of feet hitting the floor in quick succession.

"Jadey!" Cat launched herself at Jade in her typical exuberant fashion, leaving Jade slightly stunned and gingerly patting the redheads back as her shoulder was squeezed uncomfortably.

"Cat, move." Jade tried not to snap but when Cat didn't show signs of relenting, the pain in her shoulder was beginning to get worse. Thankfully, Cat withdrew and then proceeded to bound around the other side of the table and hug Vera as well, stunning the other woman who still managed to return the hug despite not knowing the girl at all.

"You must be Vera, Beck said you were really nice."

Vera smiled.

"And that must make you Cat."

"Yes, like the animal, but not like the animal as I only have two legs not four!" Vera smiled again although slightly uncertain as to whether the bouncy teenager was being serious or not; Jade struggled not to roll her eyes.

Cat dropped down into the seat next to Jade, talking fast about her day at school and stealing some of Jade's left-over fries. Vera tried to keep up with her, asking her little questions about her day which only made Cat talk more; Jade kept quiet, content to let them steal the conversation for a while. It was only a few minutes later when Vera rose.

"I best leave you girls to it, I need to get my shopping home. Jade you'll be alright to get back?"

Jade nodded.

"I'll see you tomorrow then." Vera smiled warmly and Jade almost smiled back.

"Yeah and, uh, thanks for lunch." Vera nodded, knowing no more words were needed.

Jade watched the woman depart as Cat continued to chatter about school before something occurred to her.

"Cat how did you get here? I thought your mom was taking your brother to the retreat?"

Immediately Cat clammed up, looking guilty as a pout formed on her lips.

"Cat?" The warning was prominent in Jade's voice.

"Hey Jade." A nervous voice made Cat squeak and Jade wince; and she'd just thought this day might be looking a little better. Why on earth did Cat invite Tori?

"Vega." Jade didn't even bother to look up at her, still staring at Cat who was chewing on her lip.

"Tori gave me a lift, you know, cause she got her licence now"

"I can go." Tori interjected, not wanting Jade to go nuclear in a public place. Jade inwardly groaned. As much as she wanted to tell Tori to go, she knew it would be unfair. She didn't like her, not really but she was Cat's friend and they did use to hang out even if they didn't get on. Besides, after she organised that hamper of things, even Jade couldn't be that dismissive.

"It's fine." She ground out. "Let's just get this over with." She rose from the chair, barely looking at the tall brunette before grabbing her bag. Cat popped up from her own seat, taking Jade's acceptance of a sign that everything was back to normal. She linked an arm in Jade and an arm in a decidedly awkward Tori, now chattering away about all the things she wanted to buy.

Tori wasn't sure if she should just make up an excuse to leave, Jade clearly didn't want her here and Cat hadn't told her Jade would be there until they were in the car. She'd made a dash for the restroom on arrival hoping Cat would use it to tell Jade. As she looked at Jade now, the whole situation seemed a bit more real. Her hair was dull and unstyled, her face free from the usual dark eye liner and her clothes seemed to hang off of her body in a way they didn't before. Tori was beginning to understand more why Beck had been so affected by it as Jade usually looked bullet proof whereas now she looked as though she might break; except for the glare she was now giving Tori, having noticed her staring.

The first store Cat dragged them into made Jade seriously consider texting Beck to come and get her early, his parents be damned. It was pink and frilly, and everything they sold was pink and frilly; even Tori winced at some of the offerings on display. Cat bounced around the store picking up what seemed like armfuls from each rack before dashing into a changing cubicle. Jade scowled and dropped into a purple armchair while Tori stood awkwardly to her side. The tension between the two was palpable.

"If you want me to go I can, I didn't realise Cat didn't tell you." Tori gabbled, trying not to irritate the dark-haired girl any more than she apparently already had. To her surprise, Jade didn't scream at her but let out a heavy sigh instead.

"It's fine, Cat obviously wants us all to hang out so..."

There was more silence filled only with snippets of Cat's chatter as she changed in and out of outfits just down the corridor.

"How are you doing?" Tori had thought she was going to stay quiet but she couldn't help herself.

"I'd be doing better if everyone stopped asking me that." Jade snapped and Tori bit her lip, knowing it had been a mistake.

"Besides why do you care? We not even friends." Jade's acerbic tone only furthered Tori's guilt.

"I know but we did used to hang out."

"Yeah, used to." Jade pointed out, wishing she'd stop talking.

"I'm sorry we stopped hanging out, I can't help but think if I had more of an effort-" This time Jade did groan out loud, except it was almost a growl.

"Not you too, I've already had this from Beck and Andre, my issues are my own they've got nothing to do with you or anyone else for that matter."

"Sorry." Tori mumbled, realising she'd managed to do the opposite of what Andre had advised.

Jade rolled her eyes before looking away, now remembering why the brunette often managed to irritate her so much.

"Look, Tori." She tried not to sound like she was snapping but Jade's control was walking a thin line. "We don't naturally get on, we had some sort of understanding for a while but then Beck and I-" She broke off, suddenly not wanting to finish the sentence and go back to that place.

"Yeah, but I kind of didn't make things better when you guys did, you know." Tori said awkwardly before gathering herself to finish the rest of the sentence; it was now or never.

"I didn't go out of my way to include you after, I kind of encouraged the distance."

Jade blinked.

"Of course, you did." She stated as though trying to explain something to a small child. Tori was bewildered at Jade's total lack of reaction.

"Huh?"

"Tori, you kissed my boyfriend in-front of me on like your second day and then I spent a lot of the time trying to make your life as difficult as possible; why would you want to hang out with me? I didn't want to spend time with you."

Tori collapsed into the chair next to Jade, confused as to how the guilt she'd been carrying had suddenly seemed to disappear while the situation seemed far from resolved.

"But we did get on for a while." She pointed out.

"Sort of." Jade agreed grudgingly "But we weren't close, I don't blame you for not wanting to be around me."

'_I didn't want to be around me.' _The end of her sentence lay unspoken in Jade's head. She may not have held much affection for the girl next to her, but she wasn't about to blame her for something beyond her control. Jade had long since realised the pain at her exclusion from the trip to Karaoke Dokie was more her own problem than anyone else's.

"Are we friends now?" Tori asked hopefully.

"Don't push it." It was such a typical Jade response that Tori couldn't help the small smile that graced her face; Jade rolled her eyes and scowled.

Cat soon reappeared and dragged them to the till and then back out where Jade decided she was picking the next store. Cat chattered happily and Tori seemed to relax a bit more, allowing Cat to draw her into conversation. Even Jade found herself adding in a comment or two, even if they were mostly sarcastic. Even though they went slowly from store to store, it wasn't long before Jade found herself tiring and growing more irritable, despite the luck she'd had in getting some new clothes. Tori suggested they stop off the stationary outlet and Jade texted Beck an SOS, relieved when he responded he was already on his way.

"Jade?"

"What Vega?" Jade asked the tiredness making her voice snap.

"I just thought you might like this?" She was holding out a black, leather bound notebook. Jade took it from her, balancing it on the shelf to get a closer look at the embossed design and dark red stitching around the boundaries. Even she had to admit, it was a beautiful book.

"It's nice." Jade admitted and Tori beamed before quickly wiping the smile from her face in case Jade saw. It was ten minutes later when Tori was purchasing some more manuscript paper for her song writing class that she bumped into Jade at the till, buying the notebook. Tori resisted the urge to comment, finally beginning to feel like she knew how to interact with Jade a bit better than before.

Jade's phone buzzed to signal Beck's arrival and she briefly said goodbye to Cat, who still insisted on trying to squeeze her insides out.

"Cat, let go." She said finally, oxygen deprivation threatening to become a serious issue.

"You'll text me tomorrow? You still haven't said you're coming to the showcase."

"I'll text you." Jade confirmed, the less said about the showcase, the better.

"Bye Jade." Tori offered and, to her surprise, Jade looked right at her.

"Later Vega."

It wasn't much but Tori would take it.

* * *

Jade had barely cleared the doors when she heard Beck calling her name.

"You look like you had some fun."

"Don't." Jade passed him her bags and he chucked them into the trunk.

"So, Tori did come huh?"

"You knew about this?" Jade accused, unsure if she had enough energy left to get angry at him.

"It was a possibility, I tried to talk Cat out of it."

Jade gave him a light scowl.

"If I was more awake right now, I'd be shouting at you." She informed him.

"How about I remind you tomorrow, you can yell at me then." Beck suggested playfully as they pulled out into the traffic.

"How was your day otherwise?"

Jade was suddenly wide awake; the awful morning, the crappy therapy session and the phone call all rushing back to her. She swallowed.

"Jade?" Her sudden tense silence had not escaped Beck's notice.

"Shit." She answered shortly, willing her voice not to shake.

"I'm sorry."

Jade swallowed a sharp reply, trying to remember Beck was only trying to help. She kept her eyes fixed on the taillights of the car in-front, determined not to break now. Beck watched her out the corner of his eye before putting a hand across and covering hers. Jade focused on the warmth and slight sweatiness of his hands, before giving them a quick squeeze. In that moment, she wanted nothing more than to be tucked up in bed asleep, far away from the problems of the day but she'd take this in the meantime.

* * *

**And there is chapter 38 - I'm still surprised this has turned into something as long as it has. Jade's still hitting the road bumps but doing her best to get over them. Not so much of Beck in this one but he'll be back next time. **

**Thanks to those who are still reading and reviewing. I had an insane week so this is a little late, all SPAG mistakes are my own (and I did find ****so****me interesting misspellings of Tori's name so if I didn't get them all in the end, have fun laughing at them.). **

**Please feel free to let me know what you thought :)**


	39. Chapter 39

"Do you want to tell me what's been bugging you all evening?"

The words were whispered across Jade's bare shoulder as she reclined against Beck among the covers, her hastily thrown on woolly cardigan having fallen to expose the entirety of her good arm. His breath made goose bumps pucker her skin and she supressed a shiver at the feeling. She'd known that she wouldn't fool him for long, if at all; to be honest she hadn't tried that hard. Beck had given her space that evening, keeping up a steady patter of quiet chatter to offer a distraction if she wanted to take it. She'd tried several times but it wasn't enough to move her mind completely from the topic at hand. She'd worked so hard throughout the day to keep it at bay but it was fast becoming too much effort to keep up the façade for much longer. She found herself wondering yet again if she would ever manage to life her life without policing her thoughts.

"Jade?" He prompted quietly, not wanting to push her but unable to glean any information from her silence.

"My father called while he was at work; the state have made arrangements for the disposal for the body." She deliberately avoided attaching a personal pronoun to the body, too afraid of the feelings that would return if she did.

Beck watched Jade carefully, concerned by the lack of movement in her face; he held her tighter.

"So it's a state funeral type thing?"

"Apparently." Jade's voice could have been a million miles away. "They have a cremation for the people who are unclaimed, he had _her_ added to the list. There's a small service and the ashes are scattered at the grave yard."

"They go to the graveyard but don't bury them?" Beck was confused.

"Space and cost." Beck felt insensitive but Jade's demeanour didn't change. Her eyes had taken on a faraway quality as though she was only just staying in the room with him.

"When is this service?"

"Midday Friday."

The silence between them spoke volumes and Beck bit his lips against the unspoken question. Jade had already said she didn't want a funeral for her mother, that she had no interest in it and that her goodbyes were done but this was something neither she nor Lane had considered. It was as though the universe was determined to drag the issue out, not letting Jade move on properly.

"I don't." Jade answered the still unuttered question firmly, her jaw clenched.

"Okay." Beck's voice never wavered from the softness, despite the fact he actually wanted to say 'Are you sure?' as he wasn't certain she was. She stayed silent and Beck got the distinct feeling she was about to zone out on him. He reached out to the bedside table and retrieved their latest book. They no longer read every night they were together but he knew she needed something else right now, something that would distract her enough to find the peace to sleep.

* * *

He'd been reading for almost forty minutes and Jade still had barely moved from her position. He couldn't quite see her face but he could feel the tension in her body. He paused, letting his own gaze scan the opposite bedside table for one very particular item as his suspicions were aroused. The faint glint of the silver foil caught his eye just as he was about to turn away. Bingo.

He took a second to hug Jade close before extracting himself from behind her; she barely shifted in response, her eyes only crinkling in the slightest of confusion at his actions. Beck padded across the room, digging into his bag as he tried to supress the cringe at the change in temperature from the warm covers. He pulled out his water bottle from the day and brought it around to Jade's side of the bed before reaching out an popping to of the small white pills from the foil and holding them out to her with the water. Jade's eyes had narrowed slightly.

"Not tonight." Her tone was supposed to brook no argument but it sounded thoroughly too weary to have that much impact on him. Besides, Beck had a lot of practice in dealing with Jade's stubbornness and even her most fear-inducing scowls had lost their potency on him.

"Yes tonight, that's exactly what they were given to you for." His voice was quiet but held a firmness that hadn't appeared earlier in the evening. Jade didn't move an inch, trying to stare him down.

"What are you so afraid of?"

It wasn't quite how he wanted to phrase the question but he didn't understand how Jade had managed to get into the habit of taking them but was suddenly so reluctant when she had even more of a reason to than normal. He saw the anger flash across Jade's face at the implication but there was no immediate rebuttal.

Jade was angry and if she wasn't so tired she would have been yelling at Beck for the suggestion that she was a coward, over god damn sleeping pills of all things. Unfortunately for her ego, her anger was rapidly matched by the sense of shame that Beck was hitting too close to the truth. In her mind it was one thing to take the sleeping pills when she was having her usual trouble sleeping but taking them when something was specifically keeping her up was a slippery slope.

She refused to meet his eyes but Beck didn't waver.

"You're being ridiculous." He stated, letting the smallest amount of frustration bleed through into his voice. It wasn't that he wasn't sympathetic, but he didn't know how else to get through to her. He still didn't understand how she could constantly be taking two steps forward and then several back. It worried him when she didn't immediately snap back, simply scowling at the little tablets in his hand.

'_Time for the big guns_.' He thought, sending a quick prayer to whoever was listening that he was making the right decision.

"Fine then, suffer. See if I care." He tossed the pills, albeit carefully, back onto the table and stalked out of the room.

Jade sat stiff on the bed, unable to process what had just happened and the sudden chill that seemed to have invaded the room. Beck hadn't been like that with her in a long time. Maybe ever. It hurt, more than she wanted to admit. Half of her wanted to shout after him, to demand he return but the rest of her refused; she was her own person now and she wasn't going to let Beck guilt her into anything.

She glared at the pills, now balancing perilously close to falling off the table. How could two such unremarkable objects be causing her this much turmoil. She scooped them up, intent on crushing them or simply throwing them into the bin but paused just as her hands closed around them.

She still wasn't in control.

Jade growled under her breath, thoroughly fed-up of her brain's apparently ability to play endless games with her. Without giving herself any longer to think, she grabbed the water bottle, throwing the pills into her mouth followed swiftly by several large gulps of water. They might as well have been the size of tennis balls based on the difficulty she had swallowing them, draining almost half the bottle before she was convinced they had finally gone down. She replaced the bottle on the nightstand with a little more force than was necessary, still venting her feelings. She threw a look towards the door as Beck had yet to return. She tried not to let it bother her, in fact she was determined not to. She crawled back between the sheets and turned off the light; her eyes shut firmly, there would be no more mind games tonight.

* * *

Beck padded softly back into the bedroom, he'd seen the lights go out and figured it was safe to return. Despite the manner of his exit, he'd spent the time pacing the small bathroom trying to convince himself it was the right choice (and that Jade might know this and forgive him…. Eventually.). He could see her curled up outline under the covers, silhouetted by the moonlight streaming through the gap in the curtains.

"Jade?" He tried, softly.

No answer, she didn't even flinch. Her outline looked to tense to be asleep, and the lights had only just gone off before he returned. Clearly, she wasn't happy with him. He squinted towards the bedside table but couldn't make out the contents. For a moment he debated whether or not he should be sleeping on the sofa but decided if she wasn't talking to him, she wouldn't break it to kick him out the bed; besides sofas were not all that comfortable for sleeping on.

He gingerly slid between the sheets, trying not to jostle the bed too much as he got comfortable. He briefly entertained the idea of drawing her into their usual embrace but thought better of it. He could hear from the shallowness of her breathing that she wasn't yet asleep and the gesture would not be well received.

He took a few deep breaths of his own, trying to get himself to relax enough to go to sleep. He was just on the edge of drifting off when he could have sworn he heard her mutter.

"Ass."

An echo of a smirk flitted across his face as sleep engulfed him.

* * *

Wednesday had dawned unremarkable to most but Beck had felt just a tiny bit smug that Jade had migrated back into his arms over the course of the night. He had been aware on and off of her fidgeting but ultimately concluded she must have taken the pills as she did sleep for chunks of the night. She had still been a little cool with him in the morning but it hadn't stopped her from accepting and returning his farewell embrace before he left for school.

Beck felt cautiously optimistic for the first time in a while as he walked through the main doors. The usual chaos greeted him of noise and chattering of the exuberant student population. He sipped his coffee as he opened his locker, for the first time thinking about a new design for the front. The idea of transparency was original at the time, cool and outside of the box that quickly had given him status as both serious and mysterious at the same time; but for some reason it now struck him as performative. He was no longer sure he was the 'transparent' person he had been when he joined the school, even with the events of the last few weeks notwithstanding, a lot had happened to him since then.

He played with the door for a moment, trying to work out what he could change it to and what could represent him now; he wasn't even sure who he was anymore, just that he was changed. He shook his head, trying to end the stupor as he saw Andre and Tori approaching from his peripheral vision.

"Morning Beck!"

"What's up?"

Beck met their cheerful greetings with a small smile before offering his own.

"How's the song going?" Twin smiles lit up his friends faces.

"It's sound legit, we're totally ready for Saturday." Andre's instant affirmation cheered Tori to no end, knowing he was now truly happy with it was like a weight had been lifted.

"Has Jade decided if she's coming?" Andre prodded cautiously but Beck shook his head.

"I think she's still going back and forth, she's processing some more stuff at the moment but I think there's a chance."

Andre nodded understandingly, hoping that Jade would decide to come to the showcase; he wanted her to hear the song she'd helped create.

"Are you coming Beck?" Tori tried to move the conversation forward.

"I'll probably do whatever Jade does." He admitted somewhat sheepishly but Tori surprised him with a look of understanding.

"So have you finished the theatre history essay yet?"

Beck groaned and made a mental note to finish it at morning break as the bell sounded the start of the day.

* * *

Jade found herself buried in school work that afternoon, annoyed at the amount she seemingly had to complete while simultaneously refusing to consider that she might be held back a year. It was humiliating but thankfully enough to fuel her determination to finish it all. School had always been something she could do and she was convinced now would not be any different. It served a dual purpose as it took her mind off of the morning's therapy session and Lane's obsession with her mother's funeral that wasn't.

She would have felt guilty at the level of open rudeness she'd displayed towards the end but he just wouldn't let it rest. Normally he'd let her have some leeway, let her skirt round topics or talk about them just as much as she was comfortable but not this time.

"_Jade you need to deal with this, you can't just lock it up."_

"_I am dealing with it." She'd snapped back._

"_It's understandable that you're frightened, that you have all these emotions-"_

"_STOP talking to me like I'm a fucking child!"_

She couldn't understand why he wouldn't leave it alone. Hell, she'd been the one to bring it up in the first place; didn't that tell him that she was dealing with it. He'd been insistent that her nonchalance towards attending the service was some sort of protective front but Jade wasn't so sure. The night before the information had seemed like a giant weight had torn open a barely healing wound but somehow now it seemed less impactful, not so important. She had no wish to go but no wish not to go, and for some reason Lane didn't believe her. The session had turned into a tug of war of words to the point at which Jade had considered making something up just to get him off her back; it was either that or storming out. Now she furiously channelled her frustrations into the last of Sikowitz's assignment, determined to turn it in by the end of the afternoon.

She was so wrapped up in her work she didn't hear Vera walk out onto the balcony, laden with a tray full of snacks and two cups of Jade's fruit tea.

"Jade?"

Jade jumped without meaning too, looking up at Vera as she managed to keep her laptop from sliding off her lap.

"Aren't you meant to be wearing that sling?" She chided gently.

"On and off according to the doctor."

Vera nodded but didn't press any further, setting the tray down on the lounger next to Jade and passing her one of the mugs before taking up her own. Jade accepted the mug with a quiet 'thanks' and didn't bat an eyelid when Vera took her own and lowered herself into an adjacent lounger, sitting carefully on the edge.

"How's the schoolwork going?"

"Alright." Jade took a sip of the scorching tea, having to remind herself Vera wasn't Lane. "It's a good distraction."

"I never liked school, I wasn't any good at most of it, but I used to love dancing." Vera's eyes almost misted over as she recalled fond memories of tea dances and recitals from many years previous.

"I take a few dance classes." Jade offered quietly. "Salsa and tap."

"Oh I used to love to tap, I used to watch the Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers with my girlfriends on a Friday night at the old movie theatre in town; I always thought I'd grow up to be Ginger but I was never really that good."

Jade watched the ease with which Vera recalled her memories, the faint smile on her face as her eyes looked into the distance as though they were playing out before her eyes. Jade found herself facing a strange mix of fondness and jealousy towards the woman. The familiarity she was starting to have with Vera was unique to Jade, having never related to another adult quite like her before but the ugly jealousy at her happy childhood memories was both unsettling and prevalent. Jade found a stab of self-loathing as she realised she was only jealous because she couldn't imagine talking that happily of her childhood. Ice cream on the floor after her parent's screaming rows just didn't seem to cut it.

"Have you seen them?"

Vera's gentle question pulled Jade's attention back to the balcony and she shook her head.

"Just bits and pieces."

"I'll have to dig out my old videos, I still have a few of them." Vera watched Jade carefully again, unsure if she was pushing the boundary too far but Jade simply nodded.

"They were so glamorous you couldn't help but want to be them." Vera continued, her tone now wistful once again. "It seems like a different lifetime now I think about it."

A different lifetime sounded good to Jade right about now. Something with a fresh start and no awful baggage hanging on her every step just waiting for the moment she tripped up. She took a long gulp of her tea as Vera launched into a retelling of her favourite dances; if it was anyone else Jade would have tuned them out in the first few seconds but something about Vera made her listen quietly.

* * *

As Beck pulled his latest essay from the printer he stifled a yawn; he'd been so overrun with catching up with assignments Wednesday had blurred quickly into Thursday and the deadlines loomed. Now though, he was reasonably satisfied he had things back under control with this final history essay now ready to hand in. He checked his phone out of habit, trying to stifle the familiar stab of anxiety when no new messages showed. Jade had been quiet all day, communicating but the messages were short replies that strayed no further than what he had sent first. She'd been in an odd mood since Wednesday morning, although he was reasonably convinced it was no longer because of his attempt at a reverse psychology trick to get her to take the sleeping pill. She'd been only quietly restless the previous night but had made no effort to get up, or even seek comfort from him and it had put him a little on edge. He scolded himself at that, trying to remind himself to rationalise his thoughts as this was pure conjecture at this point, still it didn't stop him worrying. His next appointment with his therapist wasn't until Monday and, despite his initial reluctance, he now wondered if this was something he could talk about with her.

He forced a staple through the corner of the sheets and wandered over to the history classroom to turn it in before stopping of at Lane's office. He half hoped the counsellor wouldn't be in there but there was no such luck. He knocked before opening the door.

"Hey Lane, you got a minute?"

"Hey Beck, sure I do – come in!"

Beck walked awkwardly over to the sofas and Lane settled into the hanging chair, elbows on his knees as he assessed the teenager in-front of him. The was a moment of quiet.

"So, what can I do for you Beck?"

"You know what's happening tomorrow?"

"You mean Amanda West's cremation and scattering, yes I do know."

"And Jade's got her hospital check-up as well." Lane nodded, still waiting for Beck to make his way to the point of his visit.

"Well, I was just wondering-" he broke off, thinking for the hundredth time that day as to whether he was pushing his luck.

"I was wondering if I could have the day off to stay with her. I could take her to appointments and-"

Lane held up a hand to stop his rapidly increasing gabble that was so unlike the usually calm young man he was used to seeing.

"You know Jade has to learn to cope with these things on her own; she won't always have you as a support."

"I know, but tomorrow is going to be rough; I know she says she doesn't care but I think she just thinks she doesn't and-"

"I know Beck." Lane interrupted before Beck could get himself worked up. "Confidentially, and this must stay strictly between the two of us, I can't decide whether Jade really is unbothered or not. I tried to get her to talk about it this morning and yesterday but her answer remains unchanged."

He sighed, wondering if one student was enough to make him go prematurely grey; maybe he should look into cover-up dyes just in case.

"As a one off, I'm willing to grant you permission for one day and a lot of this is because all your teachers are reporting that you have been working extremely hard and have almost caught up with your work."

Beck dipped his head in relief, glad that all the stressing of the past 24 hours had paid off.

"As you know, I don't have another session with Jade until Monday but if things go downhill-" Beck nodded, trying to ignore the pang in his stomach at the thought of Jade falling apart again.

"Thanks Lane, you're the best."

"I am pretty good." Lane joked, rising from the chair to lead Beck towards the door.

* * *

Friday dawned overcast and unremarkable, not that the two in the plush bed seemed to notice. Both had been awake for a few hours although no words had yet been exchanged between the two. Beck was idly playing with the ends of Jade's hair while she patently ignored him, her head pillowed on his shoulder and gaze vacant and into the distance. She'd been zoning in and out since she'd woken with the strangest echo of ocean waves crashing against a rock shore in her ears. Beck idly wondered if anyone would notice if they spent all day in bed but the pre-set alarm ruined that notion completely.

Surprisingly, Jade was the first to move, extricating herself from Beck's arms and heading towards the bathroom before he was even really aware of it. He frowned and followed her, picking up the toothpaste mere seconds after she had put it back on the shelf. He pressed a kiss to her head before loading up his own toothbrush, holding out a small hope for a roll of the eyes which never came.

They proceeded with minimal chatter, even Vera couldn't manage to raise much of a response over a breakfast of toast and cereal which seemed mostly wasted on Jade. It was only as they were sitting in the predictable LA traffic that Jade uttered her first sentence that wasn't a response to something she'd been directly asked.

"This is really weird."

"What is?"

"I expected to feel so many things today but now all I feel is nothing. Just nothing." Her voice sounded lost and maybe a little angry.

"There isn't a rule book." He reminded her gently, somewhat reassured when a half-hearted scowl formed on her face.

"I know that but it's still weird."

Jade didn't say anything else and Beck was left to ponder it's meaning through the rest of the traffic and in the waiting room as Dr Griffiths led Jade into the side room. Was she really disinterested towards the whole thing or had she just gone numb, like some kind of delayed shock? He worried his lip between his teeth, wishing he had all the answers or at least a girlfriend who was easier to read.

Jade emerged not too much later clutching a new piece of paper in her hand. Dr Griffiths took her time with a goodbye, resting what looked like a supportive hand on Jade's good shoulder before disappearing off down the corridor.

"What was that about?"

"She was just saying goodbye." Jade said offhandedly.

"Good bye?"

"She said I don't have to see her again unless I need to, just the physio now."

Beck broke into a smile and saw a small one echo on Jade's face.

"Jade that's brilliant." His voice was earnest and he couldn't stop himself from drawing her into a hug that she couldn't help but return. "Physio still weekly?" He asked as he lent back.

"I think it'll be two weekly after this but I guess I'll find out." She nodded behind him as the man from the week before had stepping into the corridor, calling Jade's name.

As Jade sat in the second small room, she found herself as unbothered by her surroundings as she'd ever been as the physio stretched her joint out. It was stiff and uncomfortable as he went though the motions, always stopping before the pain became serious. Still, he seemed pleased with her progress and she was freed of the sling entirely, unless she felt she needed support. More exercises and a strict list of restricted movements but he was happy to wait two weeks to see her again. Jade felt an odd lightness in her chest as she left the appointment, something that seemed so at odds with everything she thought she would be feeling.

Beck was surprised to see the almost smile on her face as she emerged from the side room, sling dangling from her hand and a leaflet clutched in her other.

"No more sling. Thank fuck."

Beck snorted, knowing how much it had been irritating her over the last week. "More exercises though and a lorry list of stuff I still can't do."

"Yeah, it won't be long though." Beck felt like he was on a cloud, basking in Jade's good news and improved mood.

"Just need to get this filled." She pulled out the piece of paper from earlier and Beck realised it was a prescription.

"From Dr Griffiths?"

Jade nodded.

"Do I get to know what it is or is it a secret?" He was trying for playful but worry tinged his tone.

"It's a different sleep aid, she said it might agree with me more." As much as Beck had tried for humour, Jade tried for indifference. She had seriously debated bringing up the issues she had with the current pill and waking up four hours after like clockwork, assuming it was just how these things worked. She hated taking them anyway so why bother complaining? Still, something else had won the battle and Dr Griffiths had nodded understandingly before telling her it was a common issue and they could try another combination which Jade found herself oddly receptive to. Dr Griffiths had told her she could procure them from her GP going forward, if needed. They were safe for longer term use but both of them knew Jade had no intention of being on them for any longer than she had to.

The sun was just breaking through the clouds as they left the hospital nearly 45 minutes later, the queue at the pharmacy having been slow and long. It seemed luck was not on their side as they hit traffic which appeared to be the result of a hastily erected diversion around a burst watermain. Beck sighed as the signs led them through the whole downtown area, circling the entire hospital complex before turning down a series of roads he had barely been down before. They came to yet another standstill as the traffic backed up from too many cars using the small side roads and one person managing to gridlock an entire junction.

"Oh this is a conspiracy." Beck huffed out, his patience now at it's limit. "Still at least we will be hungry for lunch, we could go to the drive through on the way back Jade?" He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel before realising there had been no reply from the passenger seat.

"Jade?" He turned his head to look at her but her own head was turned and looking straight out the window, her frame rigid. It took Beck only a few seconds to work out why.

Looking past Jade he could see the carefully manicured lawns and flowerbeds of the memorial graveyard basking in the shadow of a small but ornate church, barely half a mile from the memorial hospital. However, you wouldn't have needed a map to make the connection to the hospital as an ambulance with the name emblazoned on the side stood in the courtyard, accompanied by a uniformed paramedic, two men in all black and a vicar whose lips were moving gently as he clasped his cross in his hands.

Without thinking Beck pulled over to the side of the road, aware he was parking semi-illegally but not caring in the slightest. He went to take Jade's hand but she was busy unbuckling her belt and opening the door. Alarmed, Beck sprung into action and yanked his keys from the ignition before racing around to join her. To his surprise, she wasn't racing up the path towards the small gathering but standing very still at the fenced boundary. He took his place next to her, cursing whatever higher power existed that this had to happen today of all days. He was about to suggest they left, to remind her she didn't have to stay when she grasped his hand, her gaze never wavering from the figures at the other end of the path. The words stilled on his lips and he simply squeezed her hand gently, rubbing his thumb over the back of her hand in comfort as he turned his own attention to the proceedings as the ashes were now being scattered.

There were several urns brought out and no way of knowing which was which, no way of knowing which one held the remains of Amanda West but Jade realised that wasn't important to her. When the car had stopped and she'd realised what was going on, her first instinct had been to run but it hadn't lased more than a few seconds. Maybe it was a morbid curiosity or maybe a final cry for a lost childhood and parental love, but Jade knew there must be some reason she was here; not that she really believed in crap like that but it seemed to coincidental to be a random event.

As she watched the final ashes leave the last urn, she felt the same feeling inside her that she'd felt the previous weekend as she'd shut the door to her mother's bedroom; only this time, it was stronger. The realisation that it really was over now was overwhelming, almost making her light-heated were it not for the warm hand in hers keeping her grounded in the moment. She watched silently as the paramedic and vicar shook hands, the two in black apparently public mourners who took their leave promptly as the scattering finished, heading up the path towards them. Jade exhaled a long breath, aware that Beck was poised beside her, waiting on her. She turned to him.

"Lunch?" It took only a few seconds for Beck to process the question she asked before he nodded mutely, evidently unsure as to how to gauge her reaction. He went to turn away but Jade still kept a hold of his hand, he paused and looked at her questioningly.

The words wouldn't seem to leave Jade's throat, it all seemed inadequate now; it wouldn't be exactly what she wanted to say to him. She settled instead for squeezing his hand tightly. Beck didn't hesitate to squeeze it back.

* * *

**Okay so I have to start with an apology as I didn't make my update last week – first time since I started the story but still I'm sorry. Unfortunately the fates conspired against me with the week(s) from hell which included a broken Macbook (and therefore loosing all my story notes as well), a nasty bicycle accident and a migraine. Believe it or not all three were unrelated. Half this chapter was typed on my phone (an experience I never want to repeat) and the other half was written on a very old laptop where all the keys are in the wrong place to what I'm used to – so there could be some interesting typos I missed. **

**ANYWAY, I'm bruised and knackered but here it is, hopefully you're not all too mad at me for missing the update and have enjoyed the chapter. Jade has come so far (and so has Beck) and we are very nearly at the end of this tale. Loved it? Hated it? Want to make a joke about bicycles? Please drop me a review so I know you are still reading :D **


	40. Chapter 40

Jade sat idly in the middle of the bed, one hand absentmindedly playing with the scrunched-up covers. It was the middle of the night but, this time, she wasn't angry about being awake; indeed, it almost seemed like she'd woken up naturally. Despite his offer, she had told Beck to go home after his mother called for the second time. She knew he was still worried but she wanted to prove she could handle this on her own, as much to him as to herself. The afternoon had been another quiet one, albeit a companionable quiet as they'd worked through their respective assignments for class. Jade had found her mind wandering easily back to the events at the graveyard but had been determined to channel it into her work, creating an interesting scene for her creative writing class involving a graveyard séance for 18th century ghosts. It felt good to turn her feelings into something productive.

The evening had been mostly uneventful, with her and Beck cuddled up on the couch watching The Scissoring for most of it. It would have been an evening like any other had it not been for her father putting in a surprise appearance after he arrived home from work. He hadn't announced his presence, the plush carpet and noise from the television disguising his approach. As such, neither Jade nor Beck made any attempt to disentangle themselves as he walked into the room; Jade quietly revelled in the instant tension in his body when his eyes fell upon them.

Beck had afforded him the courtesy of pausing the film but Jade had been content to simply stare at him, awaiting whatever it was he wanted to say. She'd felt Beck shift awkwardly underneath her as the silence dragged on for almost thirty seconds but she'd refused to yield. Her father attempted small talk but with Jade's minimal answers it had forced him to get to the point.

"The hospital called and updated me on your case. You only have physio now, every two weeks."

Jade hadn't been sure if it was a question or a statement so she simply nodded.

"How is your schoolwork coming along?"

"It's coming." Jade didn't appreciate the probing question, surely, he could just tap Lane for the answer if he was that bothered; after so many years of disinterest, she couldn't imagine why he was bothered now.

"Do they know if you will pass the year yet?"

And there it was, Jade realised.

"I can see about organising a tutor or something if you aren't keeping up."

Jade's eyes narrowed.

"I'm doing fine. They said I'll pass the year."

It was a lie, neither Lane nor any of her teachers had said anything of the sort but Jade was still determined. She was not going to repeat the year for anything.

Her father had opened his mouth and shut it again rapidly and Jade wondered if he was skirting around the issue of her mother's cremation. He'd then surprised by striking up an almost painful conversation with an equally bewildered but slightly more charitable Beck. It was superficial at best and completely pointless at worst but Beck answered politely, unsure of the man's motives. Her father had then clearly thought better of whatever else he had been considering saying and retreated back to the ground floor as Jade and Beck exchanged raised eyebrows over his odd behaviour.

Now Jade sat on the bed, looking at the hands of the small clock as it signalled half past three and she wondered if he'd been feeling somewhat sentimental. Afterall, he had been married to Amanda and had a child with her, even with the acrimonious divorce and his emotional constipation there was obviously some impact. Jade just saw it now as a chapter closing on her life and the next one starting, at least she tried to. It was an odd sensation to get used to, and the guilt for that way she thought about her mother was still a regular companion but her brain seemed to have gotten slightly better at rationalising it.

Her gaze flickered to the unopened pill packet next to the clock. She had decided after much debate to forgo the sleeping aid for just one night, realising that she didn't want to force herself to sleep before she was ready. Instead she'd taken up position with a book and notebook, her phone charger and the candle that had been in the hamper from the gang which was now flickering away on the nightstand, a gentle but pleasant smell filling the room. She'd fallen asleep several hours ago over her notebook, pen still in hand which only made her glad of the black colour of the sheets currently on her bed. It had been a fitful sleep with dreams of a turbulent ocean and distant memories of her parents screaming at each other but, upon waking, she felt a quiet acceptance; what else should she expect after the day she'd had?

Instead, she'd slipped out of bed to splash water on her face and lit the candle on her return, flicking open the book with a small disappointed yearning that Beck wasn't here to read to her. Her eyes were heavy and drooped several times but she couldn't quite let herself go back to sleep yet. A quick decision being made, Jade got out of the bed for the second time, pausing only briefly to extinguish the candle and grab a jacket as she padded out through the living area onto the balcony.

The warm night air hit her as she stepped out, a comforting breeze that was a reminder that summer was on its way and the warmth would soon turn to a less pleasant heat during the day. The sky was almost completely clear and Jade could see all the way to the horizon where the smallest section of ocean was made visible as it reflected the pale light streaming down from the moon. She fell into the comfortingly familiar pattern of breathing as she focused on the small path of ocean, the apparent calmness attracting her attention. She wasn't sure how long she stood on the balcony, only that suddenly she was aware of a small light out the corner of her eye that she hadn't noticed before. She looked down, squinting slightly before she could make out the silhouette of her father sitting in a chair propped up against one of the external walls; the light was coming from a cigarette held in his hand. Jade frowned; she hadn't realised her father smoked. She couldn't even remember him doing it as a child but here he was, intermittently moving it to his lips for a slow drag.

Like her own attention had been, her father seemed none the wiser to her presence above him his gaze fixed on some vague point in the dark garden, clearly distracted by his own thoughts. It dawned on Jade again that maybe he was dealing with the day in his own odd way, the cigarette part of some mostly obsolete coping mechanism which only reappeared when he had real need of it. Still, she had no intention to make her presence known. Of all her recent musings and inner arguments regarding both of her parents, she realised her relationship with her father would forever be distant. She had occasionally entertained the idea of a 'disney' ending, of them growing together and developing a real bond but Jade knew she wasn't going to be able to put the past behind her enough for that to ever happen. He'd never been that involved when she was little, that she could remember. She also didn't really think it was what he wanted, not really, as even since the accident he'd struggled to define a place in her life or hers in his. She was sure that eventually things would be less awkward but she was practically an adult, the time for proper parenting had been and gone.

She saw him stab out the cigarette and heard the clinking of ice as he raised a previously unseen tumbler to his lips before apparently thinking better of it and tossing the contents onto the grass beside him. She almost supressed a snort at the action which somehow managed to be both poignant and ridiculous at the same time. She moved back inside, taking care not to make noise and settled herself back into bed. The room smelt comforting she noticed, the effect of the candle still lingering as she drew the covers tightly over her. It wasn't too long before she fell back to sleep.

* * *

Cat stood on the stage, the wide smile on her face threatening to dim as she scanned the crowd for her best friend. Her song had gone down well, everyone was on their feet and cheering but Cat couldn't help but feel the disappointment that Jade hadn't showed up. She'd been so sure she would. She took another small curtsy and ran into the wings, allowing Tori and Robbie to take turns embracing her and passing out compliments on her performance.

"You should seriously sing more often Cat; you sound so good!" Tori gushed, her own performance only one act away. Cat smiled and let herself chatter excitedly in reply before feigning to watch the next performance, a freshman trio singing Frank Sinatra. She berated herself for being selfish for wanting Jade to be there when she clearly wasn't ready, but another part of her was berating Jade equally as hard for letting her down. She felt tears prick at her eyes and quickly excused herself, feeling ashamed and not wanting anyone to see her cry. She climbed down the steps to the stage, trying to get a hold of herself when a flash of dark hair and leather jacket caught her eye.

"You sounded pretty good out there Cat."

"JADEY! YOU CAME!" Cat exclaimed, throwing herself at her friend who materialised from the shadows between two trees. To her credit, only a small grunt escaped Jade at the impact to her shoulder and she hugged Cat back without complaint.

"I thought you didn't come."

"And miss everyone else embarrassing themselves on stage? How could I not?" Jade's familiar sarky reply made Cat's grin even wider, knowing that her real reasons were definitely the opposite.

"Yeah we thought we'd be cool and hang out in the background this time." Beck spoke up, also moving into the light from where he'd been perched on the back of his truck. Cat realised he's parked it deliberately in the shade where the bright stage light overspill didn't reach but you still had a pretty good side view of what was happening on stage.

"I knew you would come, no one else thought you would but I knew it!"

"Yeah, well." Jade offered by way of explanation. It had actually been up in the air until only a few hours before, unsure if she wanted to risk it with the majority of the student population being present. It had almost been enough for her to decide against it but Beck had made the suggestion of arriving late and parking up in the staff car park so they could be near the stage but with much less chance of being noticed. She knew it had been his plan all along when they'd arrived and he'd produced the picnic blankets, soda and snacks as he'd opened the tailgate for them to sit on.

Beck motioned for an all too excited Cat to join them on the now cramped tailgate as applause met the end of the trio on stage but Cat shook her head.

"I have to go find Robbie, Rex was making him really nervous about performing" She bit her lip for a moment, obvious disappointment flashing across her face. "You'll still be here later?"

Jade nodded briefly and then, "Wouldn't want to miss an opportunity to see Shapiro embarrass himself."

Cat was too happy to even admonish her friend for her comments, knowing there was really no heat behind them.

As Cat bounded off, Jade returned to the back of the truck the slight chill in the air penetrating her leather jacket, well, Beck's leather jacket. They turned their attention back to the stage as Andre and Tori were just settling into position. As Andre struck the now rather familiar chords, Jade reached over to grab Beck's arm and put it across her shoulders, dipping her head to she could rest it on his own shoulder. It was a well-practiced gesture that almost transported Beck back to every other time she'd done it in various classes and social settings in the past two years, although he was still mindful to ease the pressure on her broken side. Tori's strong voice washed over him as he found himself almost totally distracted by the softness of Jade's hair against his neck and the smell that was so uniquely her. He was so distracted, he almost forgot to try to listen to the song that his best friend and girlfriend had worked so hard on.

He found a small smile gracing his face as he heard the lyrics, the subtle but strong piano accompaniment and his mind revelled in the cheesiness of the fact the song's very essence reminded him of his girlfriend, small but strong; although Jade wasn't a fan of having her height mocked. As far as Beck was concerned, she was the perfect height as her head fit perfectly under his chin.

The quiet spell was broken as the pair winced as the stage lights spilled out to the side, blinding them both slightly. Beck felt a moment of panic, unsure if they were being lit up like a Christmas tree, but their sheltered location meant that they were still hidden from the main crowd.

Jade didn't find herself holding her breath, more resisting the urge to roll her eyes as the lights hit them. The lighting technicians had an innate ability to hang lights so they just about did their job but somehow managed to be wonky at the same time. Anyone in the crowd would just have been treated to a view of the first few feet of the wings although whether they noticed with the admittedly captivating performance on stage. It was nearly over with just the bridge to go when Andre happened to look up and over the piano, directly through the wings and making eye contact with a now visible Jade. She offered him a small smile and Andre returned it with an almost face splitting one of his own, his pleasure at seeing his friend there for the performance of something she'd had a hand in making unrestrained.

Andre practically floated through the bridge, turning his attention back to Tori as she finished the final phrases to enthusiastic applause, none the wiser as to the observers set back from the side of the stage. He stood up to acknowledge the audience before leading Tori off the stage. His instinct was to take her over to where Jade and Beck sat, now concealed again with the change in stage lighting but he hesitated, unsure if Jade would want that kind of attention. Instead he smiled genuinely as Tori gushed over the performance and accepted her offer to go and get punch, certain that out the corner of his eye he could see Beck kissing Jade on the cheek. He allowed himself a small smile; maybe things were getting back to normal after all.

* * *

They'd already stayed longer than she'd planned but Jade was beginning to struggle against the tiredness even propped up against Beck's side. If it weren't for the fact that Cat kept coming and going, she would have insisted to Beck that they left a good half hour ago but it was a relief when Cat came over saying her mom was on the way to pick her up. In some ways the evening had played out like so many of those they'd had before with cuddling and occasional lazy kisses as they watched the various goings on. There was still no denying things were different now though, but neither Jade nor Beck were sure it was necessarily a bad thing.

As Beck started up the truck and headed towards the hills, Jade found herself in an oddly reflective mood with much less of the emotional turmoil she was used to feeling alongside it. To be honest, she was getting a little tired of the constant self-reflection recently.

"Do you think it's always going to be like this?" She uttered quietly as they pulled into the drive.

"Like what?"

"Different to before."

"Yeah, I think so."

Jade frowned, unsure that was the response she wanted.

"I don't think it will always be exactly like tonight, things are going to settle down more as-" Beck paused, trying chose his words carefully "As your recovery continues but I don't think we will ever go back to how it was before all of this."

Jade didn't frown harder at his choice of words; as irritating as the idea of continued recovery was, she knew she wasn't at the end of the process yet.

"Doesn't that bother you?" Jade questioned, a familiar stab of anxiety asserting itself.

"No." His reply was instant and she didn't doubt his honesty, although she didn't understand his answer either.

"Before, I thought I was so in love with you, I thought I knew everything about you and we were going to be together for many years to come. When things started to go wrong, it kind of tore me up that it was ending but then it moved beyond that, and I was almost apathetic by the end." He ran a hand through his hair, still holding Jade's gaze.

"When we were separated, I was moping not just because I missed you but because I couldn't imagine a way in which we'd get back together, I thought it was the end and we just weren't meant to be." He admitted, hoping the Jade would understand him.

"And now?" Jade's voice was barely above a whisper as she'd absorbed his words, hoping that she hadn't been drastically misreading the situation for the past few weeks.

"Now it's better than before, even with our respective issues." Jade snorted at that; the tension from before dissipating almost immediately.

"This time it feels like I am dating the real you, not that I noticed before but this time it feels more final, like we got here despite everything and it means so much more."

"I think I get what you mean." It wasn't that things had been bad before when Beck had been her escape; she'd loved that and held onto it with both hands. Now though, she felt no need to hide anything from him, she could be honest and she knew he was being honest back; the good, the bad and the ugly. She felt a rush of affection for the brown eyes she was staring into, a genuine smile on her face as she lifted a hand to his neck and pulled him closer in a loving embrace. It didn't take long for the kisses to turn from sweet to passionate and Beck withdrew slightly, raising an eyebrow in an obvious question. Jade shot a meaningful look at the front door before giving a light tug on his shirt, where her hand had come to rest. Beck's eyes darkened ever so slightly and they scrambled from the truck; Beck decided he'd clean it out in the morning as he took her hand and pulled her inside.

* * *

It was much later when they were cuddled up in bed, Beck slightly sweaty but clinging to each other none the less that Jade realised that she felt almost completely calm. She was under no illusion that her problems had been magically fixed by one evening out but for once, the feelings weren't threatening to overwhelm her. She stretched out in an almost cat-like fashion, much to Beck's amusement, before settling her head on his chest to peer at the night sky through the small gap in the blinds. The breeze wafting through the wi ndow smelt clean and fresh as Beck's heartbeat thudded steadily under her ear; a gentle tugging on her hair indicated Beck was twiddling the ends between his fingers. For the second time since they'd returned to the house that evening, Jade found herself smiling of her own accord.

"We should go somewhere tomorrow."

"Hmm?" Beck's sleepy voice was soft and warm.

"Just to get out, for a drive or a walk or something." Broad scenes of cliffs, blue sky and a calm sea flitted through her mind.

"Sure." Beck murmured, his arm tightening slightly around her as he drifted off to sleep. Jade allowed herself a small eye if fond eye roll before settling herself and allowing her eyes to flutter shut. Without even realising it, her breathing found its familiar pattern; calm and repetitive.

Her last thought before she dozed off was that it felt good to be able to breathe again.

* * *

**Wow, I can't believe we are actually at the end. I never thought when I had a random idea in February that come October I'd still be writing it! I hope you liked the ending, it felt like the right place to leave it even though this chapter is a little shorter than my standard.**

**I'll be honest, the people who have reviewed have really kept me fuelled and enthusiastic for the story so my biggest thank you goes to them and everyone who has even clicked on the story. If you haven't said hello before now, it's never too late to let me know what you think if you fancy. **

**On the whole, without getting too mushy, I've had a lot of stuff to deal with since February and some weeks I didn't think I'd get a chapter out but knowing people were reading kept me going every time so thanks. I hope you've enjoyed the story. **


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